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#601 of 806 Old 04-08-2010, 01:59 PM
 
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My husband is the way you described your boyfriend - he gets upset if I have anything negative to say. So I often just don't say anything. And then he gets mad that I don't talk. I'm quiet anyway, and I don't feel like I compalin very much. Sometimes if I bring up something that's bothering me, he responds with, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" And he has a very unsympathetic tone. (And I don't want him to do anything other than listen.) To be honest, I don't think he's aware of his tone, because he often sounds abrasive when I don't think he means to. My children have noticed this as well. He recently told me my feelings on a particular situation were "wrong" and that has made me want to clam up even more.

I really do think a big part of my problem is that I tried very hard for many years to act more like an extrovert, and now people don't understand why I've "changed", that I'm really just acting more like who I really am. Apparently they don't like who I really am. It's making me feel very alone, but I guess I have only myself to blame for not being true to myself to begin with. There's just so much pressure (perceived and real) to be outgoing and gregarious. And I'm just not. I'm tired of faking it, and getting even more tired of having to justify and apologize for my perplexing behavior. It makes me sad to think that, even though I've tried to explain introversion, nobody seems to get it. They act like they do, and then continue to ask, "Are you mad? Are you okay? Why don't you talk more? Why don't you go out more?"
To agreenbough, once again, I can empathize with you. Like in your case with your husband, my boyfriend will also get upset if I just don't say anything, even though he also tends to come across as unsympathetic when I do say something. I also don't feel as though I complain a lot. But when I do say something, I would appreciate it, if he would atleast try to hear me out. The other day I ended up telling him something along the lines of "well, my problems are my problems and from now on, I won't say anything to you, since it seems that you really don't care". After I said that, he changed his attitude really quick and decided to take a more caring approach.

The reason I even said that to begin with was because he and I had gotten into an argument over him lying to me. It seemed like something trivial but his behavior was just indicative of what he always does. The whole problem was that he had gone out shopping with his dad and I had stayed home. So while he was out shopping, I called him on his cellphone and asked him if he could get me a chocolate bar that I wanted. He happened to be in a store that sold candy and other goods like that, so when I asked him to get me the chocolate bar, he said sure and made it seem like he was searching for the one I wanted and that he had found it and was going to get it for me. So when he got home a bit later, I searched through the bags for the chocolate and couldn't find it. So I asked him where the chocolate was, and he said that he didn't get it, because when I called him to request it, he was already in the checkout line about to pay for his items. So I got annoyed and told him that he should have just said that in the first place, instead of trying to make it seem like he had gotten the candy, only to then come home without it. And I also told him that this was the kind of behavior that he always did. He has a tendancy to either forget to pick up any item that I specifically request or if he does get something, he gets a completely different item than what I wanted. He is the one that does most of the grocery shopping and shopping, in general, so it is annoying when he continually forgets to get things that I specifically request. So when I said all of this to him, he got annoyed and didn't want to hear what I had to say.

I agree with you that often times people don't realize that they may have a curt/abrupt tone of voice and it really makes them sound unsympathetic. It's the kind of tone that makes people feel brushed aside. Then when you say something about how they sound, they don't want to hear it. Then they also wonder why nobody ever comes to them directly to discuss problems.

I also just want to say that I don't think that you should be too hard on yourself. A lot of introverts try to act extroverted and do all of the behaviors that they see other extroverts doing, and they later realize that it just doesn't work for them because by acting like extroverts they are fighting who they really are and it is draining to always put on an act. So it is better late than never to show who you really are and to explain to people that you feel happier expressing your real personality/temperament traits.
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#602 of 806 Old 04-08-2010, 10:16 PM
 
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My husband is the way you described your boyfriend - he gets upset if I have anything negative to say. So I often just don't say anything. And then he gets mad that I don't talk. I'm quiet anyway, and I don't feel like I compalin very much. Sometimes if I bring up something that's bothering me, he responds with, "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" And he has a very unsympathetic tone. (And I don't want him to do anything other than listen.) To be honest, I don't think he's aware of his tone, because he often sounds abrasive when I don't think he means to. My children have noticed this as well. He recently told me my feelings on a particular situation were "wrong" and that has made me want to clam up even more.

I really do think a big part of my problem is that I tried very hard for many years to act more like an extrovert, and now people don't understand why I've "changed", that I'm really just acting more like who I really am. Apparently they don't like who I really am. It's making me feel very alone, but I guess I have only myself to blame for not being true to myself to begin with. There's just so much pressure (perceived and real) to be outgoing and gregarious. And I'm just not. I'm tired of faking it, and getting even more tired of having to justify and apologize for my perplexing behavior. It makes me sad to think that, even though I've tried to explain introversion, nobody seems to get it. They act like they do, and then continue to ask, "Are you mad? Are you okay? Why don't you talk more? Why don't you go out more?"
I'm sorry you're having a tough time lately. I totally get not wanting to fake it anymore. I am trying to be me and just not worry about everyone else. I'm doing OK with the introversion part mostly, but I have some other stuff I am dealing with that's been pretty tough for me.

When I was reading about your DH, agreenbough, I was wondering what are his Meyers-Briggs results? Didn't you say you were an INFP? (I am too tired to check so please correct me if you are not.) I was just thinking that if he is a "T" rather than an "F" type personality that could explain some of his attitude toward feelings. Don't know if that would make things easier. When I read "Parents, Kids and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, I finally understood the difference between "T" and "F" people and how they view the world differently. There are supposed to be some good books for Meyers-Briggs and relationships but I don't know what they are. (If anyone can recommend titles, please share them with me - thx.)

I keep wanting my DH to take the Meyers-Briggs. We get along pretty well most of the time, but I am very curious what type he'd get on the tests.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#603 of 806 Old 04-09-2010, 11:49 AM
 
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Nak... Haven't posted in a while... under a lot of life stress lately and I'm completely peopled out. But to catch up...
1. I too love going to movies alone and eating out alone. I think it's rude when people give me weird or pitying looks.
2. I hate Facebook... I might post something once every 3 or 4 months, but there's not much I have to say that I want to share with tons of people... it seems fake and pointless for me. I only keep FB because my knitting group keeps in touch about meetings through FB.
3. I think I'm assertive in my way, but it often seems to be misinterpreted.

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But I have to be aggressive because ppl won't listen to me if I'm just being "assertive." And then when I get angry I'm all of a sudden tthe person with the problem.
Ditto!

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I barely ever speak up for myself, so when I do have a problem with what someone is doing, I rarely say anything. And even in the rare occasions when I do try to say something, I have found that I am not taken seriously. It's sort of like a vicious cycle.
Ditto too... and to add, it takes me a LONG time before I can interpret a situation and figure out how to respond... so dealing assertively with a situation right away, isn't usually an option.

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Wow! I could have written your post. Actually, I'm an ISTJ as well. Maybe that has something to do with it.
Yay, BaBaBa... another ISTJ!

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I am also scared to have my daugher attend public school because I really just don't trust having my daughter in the care of others. At least when she is home, I know what is going on and how she is being treated. I am going to have to do some serious research before I make a decision.
Yes, me exactly. I also distrust my dd (25 months) with others and plan to homeschool (for this and other reasons). Would love to talk more about this ... I don't know of others who feel this way.

Has anyone read Hold On To Your Kids by Neufeld and Mate? It talks about the over-importance of friendships in childhood and peer culture. I just finished it, and it supported so much of my parenting approach. And it really appealed to me as an introvert... I haven't completely digested it yet, and am interested in other introvert perspectives.
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#604 of 806 Old 04-09-2010, 01:58 PM
 
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When I was reading about your DH, agreenbough, I was wondering what are his Meyers-Briggs results? Didn't you say you were an INFP? (I am too tired to check so please correct me if you are not.) I was just thinking that if he is a "T" rather than an "F" type personality that could explain some of his attitude toward feelings. Don't know if that would make things easier. When I read "Parents, Kids and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, I finally understood the difference between "T" and "F" people and how they view the world differently. There are supposed to be some good books for Meyers-Briggs and relationships but I don't know what they are. (If anyone can recommend titles, please share them with me - thx.)

I keep wanting my DH to take the Meyers-Briggs. We get along pretty well most of the time, but I am very curious what type he'd get on the tests.
Hello everyone. I joined a long while back and have found myself lurking here a bit lately. I guess I am the typical shy introvert who felt she didn't have anything that important to say or that someone else could just say it better. This time I thought I would chime in and say that I read "Just Your Type" by Tieger & Barron-Tieger on personality types. DH & I took Meyers-Briggs before we got married 15 years ago, but having this book would have really helped us a long time ago. He ended up being ISFJ and I was ISTJ although we were both border line on the F/T factor. You'd think 2 introverts with nearly the same personality type would be a perfect match, but there are definitely some challenges and pitfalls that this book opened my eyes to. Anyway, I found this book used on Amazon last year and really liked the sections on couple combinations with all the personality types. It is geared for romantic couples, but I took a stab at guessing some other personality types for friends & family members and gained some insight on those relationships of mine as well. Hope that helps.
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#605 of 806 Old 04-09-2010, 03:33 PM
 
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Ditto too... and to add, it takes me a LONG time before I can interpret a situation and figure out how to respond... so dealing assertively with a situation right away, isn't usually an option.
Hi, treehugz. This is definitely me, as well. Like you, it takes me quite a while to really figure out exactly what it is that I have a problem with. Sometimes there are multiple issues that I have with another person and in a few cases when I really thought about it, I realize that I just didn't like the person, usually because of extreme personality differences. And I absolutely DO NOT like having to deal with extreme extroverts and usually end up haivng extreme personality differences with them. One big issue that I tend to have with them is that the ones I have encountered don't have discretion and if you tell them something, either trivial or meaningful, they are more prone to running off at the mouth to anyone who happens to be close by.

I had to deal with this issue with an extremely extroverted coworker and I really couldn't put my finger on what I didn't like about her, but then when I sat down and thought about her whole personality, I realized that her need to tell everyone everything and be in everyone's business were big turn offs for me, since I tend to be more of a private person and I like it when people are a bit more close mouthed about things. At first I had thought that it was just the fact that she was a bit bossy, but it was a lot more than that, and I realized that I just didn't like her, but it took me a while to come to that conclusion. It also didn't help that she thought she was something special and to be admired by coworkers. But at that time it would have been extremely hard for me to say something to her because I didn't know how to approach the situation. If I was dealing with the same issue now, I would still need time to think and sort stuff out, but I would definitely know how to handle the over all situation.
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#606 of 806 Old 04-09-2010, 03:34 PM
 
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Thanks, CinderSnoop. I'll look for that book at the library.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#607 of 806 Old 04-09-2010, 05:51 PM
 
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Hi All,

I have been reading through this thread off and on since January, and I finally got caught up, so now to introduce myself.

I am an introvert, but not as extreme as many of you, about 60% introverted. But like many of you, I hate crouds, small talk, and the telephone! I'm also not a mama yet, but we are planning to start TTC next cycle, so hopefully soon!

I resonate with so many things that have been said in this thread. I'm married to another introvert, and we get along pretty well so far. I am somewhat concerned about getting my alone time once I have kids, but I will deal with that when the time comes.

Something I relate to that has been in the recent posts: I also have difficulty with assertiveness and being passive aggressive/bottling things up until I explode. I am having particular trouble dealing with my MIL on this front. She is quite extroverted. She lives across the country but still wants to be in constant contact with me and DH. For example, this winter she was sending us e-mails every few days, with just chit-chatty small talk. It got so bad I blocked her e-mail address and asked her to only send me letters! They are still all small talk, but at least they are less frequent.

I can do small talk in small doses with people I also have meaningful conversations with, but I have never yet had a meaningful conversation with my MIL. Every time I try to steer the conversation towards deeper issues, she either goes silent or changes the subject. And she has no discretion about personal issues and privacy. I have to spell out what is private and not to be shared.

O.k. sorry for the rant. I needed to vent.

I'm also an empath, like some people were talking about earlier. I can sense when someone is in denial about certain feelings/issues, even if they are acting happy. hijack over.

I'm trying these days to embrace my introversion and not over commit myself, but it can be hard. I have so appreciated reading about other people who are like me, and I hope to be more of a participant now that I am "caught up" on what is going on.

Oh! and I read Introvert Power and loved it. I looked through Introvert Advantage, but I also found the formatting annoying. It really bugged me that all the text was blue instead of black. And after reading in Introvert Power about how introverts make up at least half the population, it was discouraging and frustrating to read a book perpetuating the idea that we are only 1/4 to 1/3 of the population.

One more thing: I'm worried about being pregnant and having strangers coming up to me to offer advice, ask nosy questions, or touch my belly. I can be a very private person, and I prefer to volunteer personal info, rather than being asked about it. Plus I have a really large "personal space bubble" compared to a lot of other people. I think it comes partly from being an empath. I just need more "breathing room" than most people thing I should.

Any tips on how to keep people from bugging me? I'm thinking of going goth, or wearing a really aggressive top that says something like, "Hands off the Belly!" or "Private Gestation, NO Questions, NO Advice." or "No, I don't want to hear your birth story." or how about: "Let's pretend I'm NOT pregnant, how would you treat me then?" What do you think?

Ru , wife to DH . Astin (4/26/10) & Ember (5/19/10).
I have lost my dreams--Dar Williams
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#608 of 806 Old 04-10-2010, 08:26 AM
 
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#609 of 806 Old 04-13-2010, 02:33 PM
 
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Oh my, the MIL problem..... My MIL also lives in a different state, and issues with her visits were the original reason I joined here. She is very extroverted and pathologically HAPPY!!!! When she and my FIL visit, they stay for weeks. She's nice, but she thinks there's something wrong with me for not being elated about having houseguests. And for not being HAPPY and seeing the silver lining in every situation. Just because she loves cooking for and chatting with a house full of people means I should, too. (The bad part of that idea is that my husband apparently agrees with her.)

As mentioned in a previous post, I'm an INFP, and my husband is an ESTJ. We only just recently found this out. I feel steam-rolled a lot of the time, and I guess that explains it, at least partially.

When my in-laws are here, I often feel that I'm walking a tight rope trying to avoid a total mental breakdown. They're good natured, but very religious and straight laced. They make comments about me attending church (I consider myself a spiritual person, but I don't go to church because it seems more like a social club than worship) and I think that's out of line. It really isn't any of their business. My MIL can be rather condescending about my side of the family, because we are less educated and (gasp!!!!) occassionally have a drink. The ILs really have a "holier than thou" attitude, though I'm sure they'd be shocked to hear that. Their visits are the biggest issue my husband and I fight about. Bottling it up has just about killed me, but he won't talk to them about it. I feel at times that their feelings are more important to him than mine. But since they're all extroverts, maybe that's not really intentional - perhaps he just understands where they're coming from, and doesn't get where I'm coming from. Still hurts, though.
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#610 of 806 Old 04-13-2010, 06:45 PM
 
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Oh my, the MIL problem..... My MIL also lives in a different state, and issues with her visits were the original reason I joined here. She is very extroverted and pathologically HAPPY!!!! When she and my FIL visit, they stay for weeks. She's nice, but she thinks there's something wrong with me for not being elated about having houseguests. And for not being HAPPY and seeing the silver lining in every situation. Just because she loves cooking for and chatting with a house full of people means I should, too. (The bad part of that idea is that my husband apparently agrees with her.)

As mentioned in a previous post, I'm an INFP, and my husband is an ESTJ. We only just recently found this out. I feel steam-rolled a lot of the time, and I guess that explains it, at least partially.

When my in-laws are here, I often feel that I'm walking a tight rope trying to avoid a total mental breakdown. They're good natured, but very religious and straight laced. They make comments about me attending church (I consider myself a spiritual person, but I don't go to church because it seems more like a social club than worship) and I think that's out of line. It really isn't any of their business. My MIL can be rather condescending about my side of the family, because we are less educated and (gasp!!!!) occassionally have a drink. The ILs really have a "holier than thou" attitude, though I'm sure they'd be shocked to hear that. Their visits are the biggest issue my husband and I fight about. Bottling it up has just about killed me, but he won't talk to them about it. I feel at times that their feelings are more important to him than mine. But since they're all extroverts, maybe that's not really intentional - perhaps he just understands where they're coming from, and doesn't get where I'm coming from. Still hurts, though.
Hi, agreenbough. I can kind of relate to you, not in your situation with your in-laws, but with the fact that you're an INFP. I'm an INFP, as well. I also recently took a couple of personality tests to confirm this, and I have also done some reading up on the INFP personality and from everything that I have read, I can totally understand why you would feel steam rolled, alot, especially if your husband is ESTJ. INFP's tend to be more openminded and try to understand where other people are coming from and value connections and harmonious relationships with other people, so to not feel understood is probably very difficult for INFPs. Also, from what I have read, is that INFPs do tend to bottle up their feelings.

In terms of your relationship with your MIL, I think that you need to tell her flat out that you don't appreciate the comments that she makes. You have your preferences and she has hers, and she needs to try to accept that and let things rest, instead of nagging you about your preferences. Also, from what I have experienced with some extroverts, they love to put their two cents in, and don't realize how that can affect other people.
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#611 of 806 Old 04-13-2010, 07:09 PM
 
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(I consider myself a spiritual person, but I don't go to church because it seems more like a social club than worship)


And I'm INFP, too.

Ru , wife to DH . Astin (4/26/10) & Ember (5/19/10).
I have lost my dreams--Dar Williams
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#612 of 806 Old 04-14-2010, 10:44 AM
 
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Mother Cake, I wish I had some advice for you about strangers touching you when you get pregnant. Maybe you'll just be lucky, like I was. I have two children, and while I get creeped out when strangers touch me, I really didn't have a problem with it when I was pregnant. I can't recall a single instance of it happening to me. (whew!!) Maybe I emit some kind of "stay away ray" - haha.
I think my biggest problem being a mother was feeling like I was supposed to socialize with other moms when my kids were small. I had a very difficult time with that. The whole birthday party thing was a major stressor for me, too, whether I was giving the party or just a guest.
My older child is very introverted, possibly even more so than me, but he's a very smart and reasonably well-adjusted person. My younger child is more in the middle of the I/E spectrum.
FallenofTrack, I appreciate your kind words. Having harmonious relationships is really important to me, and I think that's the root of my problem with bottling up my feelings. I've gone along with things I really didn't want to, just so everybody else was happy. I'm finally learning that that really isn't a good way to do things. I guess this is my mid-life crisis - making that effort to be true to myself in the face of reisitance from people who thought they knew me. I thought they knew me, too, so we're ALL confused!!!
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#613 of 806 Old 04-14-2010, 02:15 PM
 
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You know, I don't think anyone touched my belly when I was pregnant either. If they did, they asked permission first and were a friend. Otherwise, I am sure I'd remember.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#614 of 806 Old 04-14-2010, 08:49 PM
 
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When I was pregnant the first time I had a lot of touchers...it was really weird. This second time I don't think anyone touched me. Maybe I was giving off a vibe, lol.

SAHM to DS 12/29/07 and DD 9/15/10 smile.gif
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#615 of 806 Old 04-14-2010, 09:36 PM
 
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Well, it's good to know that it's possible to get through pregnancy without being touched too much. I'll try to work on that vibe.

Ru , wife to DH . Astin (4/26/10) & Ember (5/19/10).
I have lost my dreams--Dar Williams
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#616 of 806 Old 04-15-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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Hello. I am INFP. I feel like I posted on an introvert thread before, but it must have been a different one. I have skimmed over some of this thread and can relate to a lot of it. I have a 7 year old, a 4 1/2 year old and a 14 month old. It seems to be getting harder to figure out friend stuff for the kids these days. I just don't feel comfortable having other kids in my house and am often a bit overwhelmed with the noise and chaos that my own kids create. We don't really have playdates. I try to limit them to the park. Meeting kids at the park and having all of the parents be there works better for me. I also don't trust all of my first graders friends' parents and don't want him going to their houses (not to mention that my 4 1/2 year old would want to go to and it would either be a huge, awful battle with him not to go or me feeling like I'm imposing by having him go).
I need to see if my husband will take the meyers-briggs. We have some communication issues that definitely come back to our personality types. He is an executive chef and works long hours in a crazy environment. He expects quick and precise answers at work and sometimes that happens at home, too. As you may relate to, I am not one to give quick and precise answers. I often just freeze and need to process things for longer than average and that drives him a bit crazy.
I could ramble on forever, but I won't. My work, by the way, is two days a week for four hours each. I am in a Natural History museum library that is not open to the public. It is quite and extremely low stress and I rarely have to deal with people. It doesn't pay much, but it is really good for my sanity. I also read A LOT and have been doing jigsaw puzzles as ways to relax and get myself together after deal with the constant talking and demands of my children.

Marie-Mom to two boys and a girl.
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#617 of 806 Old 04-15-2010, 02:10 PM
 
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marieangela, I do jigsaw puzzles, too - I like that I can just let my mind wander. For that reason alone, it's very relaxing. (I can do a 1000 piece puzzle in two days.)

When my kids were smaller, having their friends over was very stressful for me, too. Mostly from having to deal with their parents (and the phone calls involved). I didn't really feel like I was in a position to discipline other people's kids, even if they were at my house. Now that the kids are older it's a bit better, mainly because they are better able to do their own thing and entertain themselves - and make their own phone calls to make arrangements. Luckily my kids are both pretty low-key, and their friends tend to be that way, too. I personally even found the park to be stressful - I wantd the kids to interact with other kids, but I had ZERO desire to chat with the other mothers.

I've known my MBTI type for years, but only recently had my husband take the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, which is a much shorter test. You can probably find it online. (I found it in the book "Please Understand Me".) Your husband may be more likely to do it since it's a shorter test. My husband seems to be skeptical of the whole thing, and I think he would have lost interest before he got all the way through the MBTI.

Like you, I work part time in a quiet environment. It is enough. My husband is also a person who wants quick answers now, and this difference in our styles has caused and is causing a lot of grief. I tried to explain how being pressured to give quick answers makes my mind go blank and he doesn't get it - he thinks I'm being deliberately difficult. Even though we've been married a long time, he suddenly seems to think my quiet nature and need for alone time are a rejection of him. I guess it's more glaring now that I'm making an effort to understand myself and stand up for my needs. Having never done this in the past (always taking care of the needs of others first and doing what they needed or wanted me to do), maybe he feels like he's a victim of the old "bait and switch". It's a very hard time right now, trying to fight to just be who I am when he only sees it as rejection. And I feel hurt because i thought he understood me, and he obviously doesn't. I usually read a lot, but I've been so distracted by our poor communication issues that I can't keep my mind on a book.
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#618 of 806 Old 04-16-2010, 02:01 AM
 
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marieangela

Whew! I have had a weird day. Was going to sign up DD for a nature based homeschool program for next year. Instead, I got text messages that my bank account was overdrawn. Someone stole our account number somehow and tried to use a fake ID to take out a large sum of money. (Which was only there because we just got our taxes back.)

Ends up they didn't actually get the money out, but the account got flagged and I had to go close it and open up a new one. Now I have to untangle all the mess of the automatic payments on everything. Yeesh. DH has to go in tomorrow to sign papers so he can be on the new account since it was our joint account.

There was also a lot of police activity in our area (very unusual) and I still haven't figured out what all the speeding cop cars were doing. Kind of freaky.

Tonight I went to a belly dance class. I have been dancing for a long time, but I am very rusty so it's a "performance" class, just to get into the swing of things. People seemed nice, but I felt nervous and out of place. Mostly just the usual introvert in a new situation thing, I think. My legs will likely be sore tomorrow. I need to start working out again now that everyone is done being sick.

I feel very scattered today. And kind of nervous. Hopefully I can get some stuff sorted out tomorrow and get things back on track.

This weekend we are set to have a babysitter and DH and I are going to a concert in the city. It's a smaller venue which is nice - a historic theater. (I hate arena concerts.) We rarely ever go on dates so this will be nice, but kind of a "big deal" since it's across the bridge.

The next day DD has her play performance in the morning, earlier than the usual class - we're all night people and DD won't go to sleep with a sitter, so Monday morning should be fun. That was not planned - everything just kind of ended up scheduled back to back. I am trying to not get too much else going on this weekend so I don't get peopled out.

This is as close as I can come to "frazzled" smiley

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#619 of 806 Old 04-17-2010, 02:47 PM
 
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Update: The person who stole our account number did get away with the money. It was their second attempt that didn't work. Still trying to untangle the mess. Yeesh!

Weirdness with friend:

Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend I see about once a week. Lunch went well. We talked about stuff that mattered and she offered to help me out by going to a gyno with me as a support person/second brain so I can finally get some health stuff sorted out. I am grateful for this since sometimes I feel like I can ask all the questions I need of a doc, and sometimes I just can't seem to communicate with them. I really need some good answers before trying any procedures and I feel like I haven't got them yet. My friend is an extrovert and is very good verbally and at negotiations. So she will help me here.

What got weird was when she was dropping me off. I mentioned that DD and I had some mosquito larvae in jars which we were observing and we joked that DD will probably end up being a scientist or something. My friend is going to school now to become a teacher. She works as a para-educator right now with a really good altenrative public school program. She thinks DD would do well in that program. I am mildly interested but we have already decided to homeschool. I thought she knew this, but now she seems to be trying to sell me the program.

I can't think well "on my feet" verbally - especially when I feel upset or flustered. She asked me why I was being defensive because she says she's not trying to tell me what to do, but just wants to make sure I know all my options.

I figured out later that evening why it bugged me so much. If I had said I was going to try PS would she make sure I had checked out all the other options of private schools and homeschooling? I think not. I am not sure if I am explaining this well, but it just seems like if I had signed up with a private school or decided to enroll DD in public school, I wouldn't be getting educational advice. I don't think my friend sees this part of it.

I don't think this is a make or break moment for our friendship (hope not anyway) but I am annoyed with her. Now I have to decide if I want to try to explain why I am annoyed and feeling defensive and see if she will even understand. I don't think I could do this effectively verbally. I could send her an email to clarify - if I could figure out what to say. It's also possible that since I don't always declare things decisively, she thought there was an "in" or that I was unsure of my options. I will probably approach it from this angle and just start making sure that I describe my decisions about things more confidently.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#620 of 806 Old 04-17-2010, 03:57 PM
 
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When people say that they want to make sure you're aware of your options, what they really mean is that they want to make sure you're aware of the option that *they* champion. Obviously you wouldn't need to be made aware of the option that you're already going with. And obviously if the option that a friend advocated and the option that you had chosen were the same option, then they would see no need to preach to the choir. Unless she stays on your case about it or keeps pushing her own educational program on you, I would let it go. If she brings it up again, just smile and say "thank you for your interest, but I've definitely decided to stick with homeschooling. I've done my research and I feel that this is the best option for us." Then change the subject.

I wouldn't strain a relationship with someone who's about to go to the gyn with me.

-Alice, SAHM to dd (2001) and ds (2004) each of whom was a homebirth.jpg, who each self-weaned at 4.5 years bfolderchild.gif, who both fambedsingle2.gif'd, who were bothcd.gif, and both: novaxnocirc.gif.   Also, gd.gif, and goorganic.jpg!

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#621 of 806 Old 04-18-2010, 05:07 AM
 
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When people say that they want to make sure you're aware of your options, what they really mean is that they want to make sure you're aware of the option that *they* champion. Obviously you wouldn't need to be made aware of the option that you're already going with. And obviously if the option that a friend advocated and the option that you had chosen were the same option, then they would see no need to preach to the choir. Unless she stays on your case about it or keeps pushing her own educational program on you, I would let it go. If she brings it up again, just smile say "thank you for your interest, but I've definitely decided to stick with homeschooling. I've done my research and I feel that this is the best option for us." Then change the subject.

I wouldn't strain a relationship with someone who's about to go to the gyn with me.
You stated all of this much better than I did. And yes, I agree. I'm not looking for a fight with her. I guess I was just surprised because we'd been through this before two years ago. Knowing her, my friend probably did think I was unsure on my position and she was likely feeling very enthusiastic about her latest projects/school stuff. If it comes up again, I'll let her know we're firm on our decision. She backed off last time, though I did have to be quite direct with her. I often times have difficulty being direct with people. But I am working on it.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#622 of 806 Old 04-18-2010, 06:38 PM
 
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Look what I found at Cafe Press! Perfect for a pregnant introvert.

Starflower: I hear you about having trouble being direct. I have a similar issue--I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).

Good luck working things out with your friend in a way that is comforatble for both of you.

Ru , wife to DH . Astin (4/26/10) & Ember (5/19/10).
I have lost my dreams--Dar Williams
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#623 of 806 Old 04-20-2010, 01:41 AM
 
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Cool shirt, Mother Cake!

I got a phone message from my friend today. She got in touch with her gyno for me. I'm not too worried about the school stuff. Usually I can just bean dip people about it and not get too flustered. I think I was just feeling really sensitive after going through the mess with the stolen bank account number. Sigh. We're still untangling that mess.

But at least I have a ref for a doctor from someone who knows what I am looking for in a doc - and someone to go with me as an advocate.

I've been pretty social lately, I guess. This morning DH and I watched DD in a play for the end of her homeschool drama class. Then I spent several hours with an old friend I hadn't seen since September. She's had one of the procedures that was recommended to me. And gave me the name of a doctor to avoid. Mostly we just caught up with one another, went thrift shopping and had dinner. It was fun and I'm so glad I got to spend a lot of time with her.

But I think tomorrow will probably be a good day for keeping to myself.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#624 of 806 Old 04-22-2010, 12:28 AM
 
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OK. I think I was too social over the weekend and on Monday. I've been having major anxiety all day today. Argh! Luckily, DH took DD to the Y tonight for some swimming so I get an hour or two on my own.

I am seriously fantasizing about having a hotel getaway just for me.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#625 of 806 Old 04-22-2010, 11:48 AM
 
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**I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).**

This is part of my houseguest frustration - they don't understand body language, facial expression, tone of voice - so they feel blindsided when I get short with them and go hide in my room. (They invite themselves, DH won't tell them no, I have my space invaded for weeks by people who talk nonstop and take over my house, and then they're ASTONISHED that I'm moody!!!!)

What planet are these people from anyway??!!
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#626 of 806 Old 04-22-2010, 06:22 PM
 
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**I'll be indirect for a while, but if people don't get it, I'll get fed up and then be too direct, and leave them wondering WTF? Because they really didn't get my hints, and so my irritation seems uncalled for (to them).**

This is part of my houseguest frustration - they don't understand body language, facial expression, tone of voice - so they feel blindsided when I get short with them and go hide in my room. (They invite themselves, DH won't tell them no, I have my space invaded for weeks by people who talk nonstop and take over my house, and then they're ASTONISHED that I'm moody!!!!)

What planet are these people from anyway??!!
I'm sorry your DH isn't being helpful.

They sound like they are from the old 1978 SNL skit, an "ad" for a movie called "The Thing That Wouldn't Leave," starring John Belushi, Jane Curtain and Bill Murray where Belushi plays a house guest who just doesn't get the hint. It's hilarious, but unfortunately, I couldn't find any video for it online. (I'm a Belushi fan - it's on the Best of Belushi DVD.)

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#627 of 806 Old 04-22-2010, 06:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yikes I wouldn't have the patience for that. No way would they get to stay that long. My MIL and FIL aren't even 'invited' for more than a couple of days.
I got my limits. It's better for all of us... lol
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#628 of 806 Old 04-22-2010, 09:40 PM
 
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Oh I wish I had time to read 627 posts, but I just found you all and am having a crisis of introvert mom with extrovert, spirited, gifted DS (3). I'm going crazy!!

We don't do any TV/videos or electronic toys AND aren't planning preschool (planning to homeschool), so its basically me and only me. I am (like many of you) not big on playdates, though I don't hate them. DS needs much more than I can handle. I am always amazed after a busy social day how vibrant and energized he is while I feel like I am going to collapse!

I am so tired of talking and being talked to all day I want to scream. Okay, I have screamed today (in front of but not at all at DS) and I feel terrible about it!

So we are thinking of a part-time preschool for the fall to give him the social time he needs and give me the quiet time I need!!!
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#629 of 806 Old 04-27-2010, 02:06 AM
 
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Holiztic

Welcome to the introvert thread. I've been typing responses to other threads tonight and then deleting them instead of posting. But I will respond to your post.

My biggest challenge as a homeschooler is getting DD enough social activity while I get enough of a break. It's gotten better since she's turned into a bookworm. She is definitely spirited (big time) and though she is less introverted than me, I no longer see her as a true extrovert. We talk about how we have differing social needs. And while she used to talk non-stop all the time, she is beginning to show more introverted traits now.

However, now I believe DD is more of a kinetic learner than I once thought so I am looking for an outlet for her to be more physical (I'm thinking aikido). She wants to "play fight" all the time like warrior cats and wrestle with me and DH. I don't mind some, but she's also always in my face and climbing on me. She nursed all the time when she was younger, and didn't quit until she was almost 6, so I think this is some of where the physical space stuff comes in - she is looking for a replacement for that closeness. I love snuggling with her but I need to have some space and she's just getting to big to be jumping on me and climbing on me all the time.

DD is an only child and is extremely intense, sensitive, persistent and intelligent, so we have a very intense relationship. And yeah, like you, it's just her and me most of the time.

Hang in there.

I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#630 of 806 Old 04-27-2010, 04:10 AM
 
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Oh I wish I had time to read 627 posts, but I just found you all and am having a crisis of introvert mom with extrovert, spirited, gifted DS (3). I'm going crazy!!

We don't do any TV/videos or electronic toys AND aren't planning preschool (planning to homeschool), so its basically me and only me. I am (like many of you) not big on playdates, though I don't hate them. DS needs much more than I can handle. I am always amazed after a busy social day how vibrant and energized he is while I feel like I am going to collapse!

I am so tired of talking and being talked to all day I want to scream. Okay, I have screamed today (in front of but not at all at DS) and I feel terrible about it!

So we are thinking of a part-time preschool for the fall to give him the social time he needs and give me the quiet time I need!!!
My son is spirited, active, extroverted, and gifted too. I limit his media to 1/2 hr TV and 1hr computer/day...if I didn't, he'd use it 24/7. If I'm not actively engaging him, he pretty much follows me around and waits for me to be ready to interact with him again, or begs for TV etc. He is nearly incapable of playing by himself despite huge efforts on my part to help him learn.

I couldn't survive without DS being in preschool. We found a lovely co-op nearby. He thrives on the social contact and attention from other adults, and I get enough of a break that I'm not angry at him all the time. As soon as he's away from me for like an hour, I start missing him; that's all it takes. And when I pick him up we both are refreshed. I'd definitely recommend looking into it.

SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

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