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#721 of 792 Old 11-12-2010, 10:46 AM
 
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I am getting nervous about performing tomorrow. It's not necessarily an introvert thing, though. Just a nervous about doing complete improvisation to music by a band I've never heard before. Nothing quite like going in completely cold. Ack! 

 

The good news is that I got my latest costume piece done. Although another piece broke so I have to get new elastic and fix it.

 

I was going to do a lot of errand, dance practice and costuming yesterday while DD was at her wilderness class all day long. Unfortunately, DD's issues got in the way and she didn't make it to class so my day ended up being completely rerouted. So much for my alone time this week. We have a meeting with the staff on Monday to see if we can get things to work out for DD at this program. When she goes, she has so much fun and I get a 5 hour break! We all really want it to work out for her. If she ends up not doing this program, I am going to have to find another way to get some time to myself during the week.

 

We wake up at the same time, we go to bed with her (she has extreme anxiety) and we homeschool. I love DD so much but sometimes I just need some time off!

 

Gotta help DD with something. Hope everyone has a great weekend!


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#722 of 792 Old 11-12-2010, 01:30 PM
 
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Good luck tomorrow. I'm sure you will do great!


Michelle , 20+ years with a wonderful DH
Mama to two boys, 12 and 10

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#723 of 792 Old 11-14-2010, 11:13 AM
 
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Thanks!

 

I survived belly dancing last night to live music I had never heard before by a band I'd never heard before. And I did OK. I felt very out of sorts for the first two songs. I felt good about the second two songs. The drum solo was a lot of fun! In the long view of the evening, things went pretty well. I got to see some friends I hadn't seen for a long time, and I met some new folks. I wasn't worried about the social stuff because I was so focused on the performance part of things. My new costume worked out well and looked good. And I finally got to see my instructor perform which was wonderful. Now I am just hoping she thought I did well enough to ask me to do it again!

 


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#724 of 792 Old 11-17-2010, 08:29 PM
 
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STarflower-congrats on your performance! Sounds like you had a positive performance.

 

I have been giving myself more time for reflection and am grateful to have a positive outlook on being an introvert. All my life I have felt a stigma attached to being quiet. I am quiet because I like to listen to what is going on around me, I love observing.  When I talk I want to say something meaningful and if I talk a lot I feel like I am spewing a trashy novel.

 

I have completely changed my attitude at work. Most people try to be buddy-buddy and I tried to do it for several years, but I was very unhappy. I was emotional in a place where emotions are not highly regarded. So now I am being professional, doing my preparations at home as best as I can and when I go in I get my work done with a positive attitude. People at work bond over complaining and I have removed myself from it, when I hear sarcasm I walk away. I still complain in my head, but I don't open my mouth and the negative thoughts leave faster when I don't dwell on them. One strange thing I feel at work is that people project their emotions onto me (or onto each other.) For example, DD slept poorly when she was young and people would come up to me with pity all over their face and say,"you must be exhausted! I'm so sorry." It made me feel pitiful and boxed in to their description of me.

 

I know that I have alienated some friends, and eventually I would like to reconnect with some of them, but I'm not sure how to do it in a healthy way for me.

 


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#725 of 792 Old 11-18-2010, 03:53 PM
 
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Good for you, finding a way to be yourself in a work environment can be hard. I have had too much of certain people in the past and distanced myself. But after a time, when we would run into each other I could find a better way to interact with them. I bet you will be able to find a new way to be with them. One that is good for you, and kind to them also.

 

Starflower, thanks for the update. Glad to hear it went well!


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#726 of 792 Old 11-24-2010, 05:53 PM
 
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I don't know if I'll ever get used to feeling awkward in some conversations. I guess maybe it's progress if I don't second guess myself multiples times and try to redo the conversation in my head. This time I was able to just leave it at "well, that was somewhat awkward" and not judge myself further.

 

I hope all the introverts here who celebrate the American Thanksgiving are making it through OK. We are on our own, so I am just cooking game hens. Some other introverted friends are coming over later for dessert and the kids will play. We would've gone to a potluck with other friends that is usually pretty fun and low-key (and has wine) but they didn't have anyone else coming under age 14. Last year, DD was bored and felt left out. So we're just gonna keep it simple at home.

 

And I am preparing to go visit my family of origin in December, but not over actual Christmas. I'm actually relieved about being home for the holiday itself and for new year's. I have told my mom that I am visiting some friends and not many relatives. I also don't want to drive anywhere. We went out there this summer briefly and drove all over the place. It was exhausting. When I don't get my downtime and then have to go to social events, I end up sounding really stupid or really crabby or boring. Or all of the above. Trying to do this more on my terms. Of course it will be easier since DH's parents are going to be out of the country.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#727 of 792 Old 11-26-2010, 07:26 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mich View Post

Hello everyone!

Starflower, I'm so impressed you can perform in front of a group! I wanted to take a belly dancing class and was too shy. I did buy a dvd and wow, what a work out!

I was out with friends last week and I had one of those nights where I talked a lot and later thought "why did I say all that???" For me most of the time I can talk and chat, but speak consciously, and not have regrets later. I think it is one of those things that gets better with practice and confidence. If you can do a belly dance performance, you can do chit chat!

Xantho, congrats on your up coming wedding!

Fallenofthack Starting a new job is hard, congratulations. I am curious, you mentioned depression, are you doing something to overcome it, or is it just lessening? I have been struggling with it this year and have recently started extra vitamins.

LaFlace, my dh had a vas after we had 2 children also. I felt the same as you mentioned. They are much older now and I still think it was the right decision for us. I do sometimes crave another baby and probably always will, but I am very happy with our small family!

Also knitting is my favorite coping tool at family functions! When the boys were younger watching them was helpful in keeping me busy. Now I just seem to sit by myself and feel awkward. I love knitting, someone can speak to me if they want, but I don't appear to be just sitting alone if I am busy with a hobby. I still feel a little weird when I first take it out. People will ask questions, or funny looks, but then I can just relax and knit.

Sustainer, thank you for your post. The funny thing is, I think I posted the quiz a while back! I am very HSP and do see that possibility in my son. Part of me wants to diagnose, create a label. But what I should do is just relax and accept him as he is, stop worrying about identifying his personality. He's still a kid, and will grow and change in time.

Thanks to everyone who keeps this thread alive and running. It is a wonderful safe place to visit, read, and post.


How did everyone do with the Thanksgiving Holiday?  Our wedding was fantastic, overwhelming, no doubt!

 

I am interested in learning how to knit, any thoughts on where to start?


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#728 of 792 Old 11-26-2010, 08:23 AM
 
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Thanksgiving was good here. I hosted, but it was a small bunch this year, just 3 guests and us. Then after dinner we went and visited DH's family then stopped bye some of my extended family. We went visiting a little later so there were not as many people there, so that was nice.

 

Xantho, a friend taught me to knit years ago, I started on small dish cloths.

 

http://majorknitter.typepad.com/photos/patterns/dishrag_and_magazine_photo.html

 

Then after a while moved up to scarfs, then cabled scarfs, then hats, and now I'm hooked on knitting socks.

 

This website, http://www.knittinghelp.com/ has a lot of videos and tips. There are also a ton on youtube. Also, if you need irl help, stop bye a local knitting store, or find a local knitting group. Most knitters love to help a new knitter learn!


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Mama to two boys, 12 and 10

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#729 of 792 Old 11-27-2010, 08:08 AM
 
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Thanksgiving went fine for me and my family.  It was me, my boyfriend, our daughter, and my boyfriend's father.  The only other person was a coworker, who was originally just going to stay at home and eat alone.  When I heard that he was going to be alone, due to not getting along with his family, I decided to invite him over to my place, since there was going to be more than enough food to go around. It's funny, because I don't even really talk to this coworker, since we work in different areas of the workplace, but we had been acquaintances and due to his personality, I felt comfortable inviting him.  The only thing I didn't like about the day, was that the roasted chicken I made, did not turn out to my liking. I got the recipe from an online search, and it came out tasting bland.  Thank goodness I had also decided to prepare a ham, which made up for the flavorless chicken.

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#730 of 792 Old 11-27-2010, 09:51 AM
 
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I was interested to read the original post.  I do think I'm an introvert, but not shy at all.  My husband is an extrovert.  We often have mini-battles over the amount of time spent with other people.  For example, I am happy to go to a friend's party for an hour or two every other week or so, but then I feel in need of a recharge and I want to go home.  My husband could stay for 6 hours, feeding off the energy and socializing, at 3-4 parties a week (not that we're usually invited to that many parties in a row, but I think he has the stamina!).  Sometimes (especially if he's tipsy and I'm sober), I get embarrassed by his small talk because it feels inane and draining to me just to listen to it, even if I'm not participating in it!  :)  I do wonder how this will affect my/our parenting when we have our first child this Spring.  As a kid, though I played with friends in the neighborhood often, I loved playing alone in my room and reading.  What will I do if my child, like my good friend's daughter, needs constant attention from me?!  I'm hoping for a independent and introverted kid I can relate to, but not expecting one!

 

Thanksgiving was hard for me (edited to add: but not overly so) because it was with my inlaws.  They are LOVELY people, but I am definitely in the spotlight when they're around, especially now that I am pregnant.  I really felt uncomfortable and like I needed a "time out" several times.  I just don't want that much attention!  I fear this will get more pronounced when we have a newborn.  There were 15 people at dinner.  Four of us were immediate family, three were slightly distant relatives, and the rest were invited guests.  It was too big a crowd for me, though if they'd all been people I'm close to I would have felt more relaxed.

 

p.s. I brought out my knitting and knitted during dessert! It made me feel more comfortable, but still a part of the group.  We had left the table and things were more informal by that point.  ;)


First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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#731 of 792 Old 11-27-2010, 07:54 PM
 
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Welcome, Neuromancer :wave Glad you found us. Sorry to hear Thanksgiving was hard for you.

 

I had a wonderful social day yesterday with some new friends. We seem to have a fair amount in common with them, all the family members got along and the kids even play together well so DD has some new playmates. We all had a great time. But man, am I a grouch today. Part of it is pain but a lot of it because I just haven't had any time to myself. I've had extra time with DD this week and while I love her immensely, she is very intense. And even though I was pretty good for most of the event yesterday - we just played funny card games - I feel like I have been "on" for a long time now. I am so ready for a break.

 

However, tomorrow morning we're getting up early to have breakfast with some friends in town from Hawaii. They leave town tomorrow so we can't postpone. I just hope I am not so cranky by then, because I do want to see them. I will likely let them do most of the talking, but I am definitely going to ask DH to take DD somewhere for awhile tomorrow so I can have some quiet time to myself.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#732 of 792 Old 12-14-2010, 12:37 PM
 
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mich- thank you for the links!  I am excited to get started!

 

Everyone ready for the next holiday?  I am not...  lots of outside family issues that will no doubt be interesting this year.  Our little fam is fantastic though!

 

How is everyone holding up?  We have some friends coming over tomorrow night that have never been to my home.  This couple has a 2 month old and were old roommates of DH years ago.  I get so nervous when someone comes to my house that I haven't seen theirs for some reason.  I don't care what people think for the most part...  guess when it comes to my home I do.  Scared of judgment for some reason.  We live very simply and love it.  We are in the process of selling all our BIG furniture and sold our old futon and entertainment center this past weekend leaving our living room with 2 chairs and a desk among all DS play stations. 

 

I have never really been an entertainer...  well.... food and beverages are always there...  I mean in the sense of matching plates, glasses, etc...  my Mom and G-ma always were...  maybe that is where the anxiety comes from even though I don't feel I need to be that way...  programmed from childhood and or society?  .. sigh.  Who knows.....  If you don't dig it, don't come back I guess :)

 

Starting Bikram Yoga on Thursday... looking forward to it but a little nervous.  Broke my neck (C6 and C7) a month before DS was conceived and I am hurting pretty good by the end of the day. DH and I were in a nasty car accident that was just horrible while visiting my folks. 

 

Have a good day all!


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#733 of 792 Old 12-16-2010, 12:22 PM
 
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I'm new to the thread.  I identified with a lot of the description on the very first post (and I'll admit, I can't read 38 pages worth, so I'm just going ahead and posting!)  I definitely can feel drained by the company of others, especially if it's in my home or if I can't escape them.  


I feel a lot of my introversion is due to my job.  As a high school teacher, I have to deal with people all day long....really demanding people and it's exhausting sometimes!!  My bf (who is also a teacher) is super social and I often have to say "I really need to do nothing."  I've often wondered about how my introversion will affect my daughter in the long run.  I ask myself if I'm doing a bad job mothering because I'm not out and about and with the people all the time, but then I remind myself that if I want to be a good mother, I have to take care of myself.  And I need quiet time!  

 

Very glad to find this thread and interested to keep reading!


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#734 of 792 Old 01-03-2011, 08:38 PM
 
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Xantho - congrats on your wedding! (belated)

 

I had a good visit back home for the first time ever. We limited the time my brother could be at the house because the dynamic changes for the worse. He decided to leave one day early which was good for everyone. (It's complicated.) The main reason I had such a great time was because I got to see 3 old friends! One I hadn't seen in almost 15 years! (Egad, I can hardly believe I am old enough to even say that! lol)

 

I did opt out of visiting my DH's friend but he took DD since his pal has a daughter too. They had fun and I got some quiet. It was good.

 

We didn't do anything but light some sparklers with DD for New Year's, which was fine.

 

Now we are trying to get into the groove of homeschooling again. DD's wilderness class starts up this week if she's well enough to go. She caught a cold and now I seem to be getting it too. I agreed to belly dance again to another unknown "side project" band's live music in two weeks. It will be a mix of Middle Eastern and Celtic so we'll see how that goes.

 

We've made some new friends here too which is good. They have 3 kids and also homeschool. They're a lot of fun and like to play games. We went over there on Thursday which was fun, but I opted out of the games. I just didn't feel like it, but they didn't mind.

 

I spent yesterday on my own but out and about. I ate Thai food a restaurant I like. They are used to me coming in alone, though sometimes I bring a friend or my DH.

 

So other than the colds over here, we are doing pretty well.

 

I saw a PP said she likes to go to the movies alone and sit in the front. I like to go to the movies alone sometimes, but I usually sit in the back. Of course, I usually never go until the movie is almost done with it's run so the theater is tiny anyway. lol

 

I've also noticed DD is getting more extroverted again now that her depression has lifted. She does well with mixed introverted and extroverted activities and I think I am learning both of our limits a bit so it's getting easier to meet both of our needs.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#735 of 792 Old 01-16-2011, 07:09 PM
 
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I hope everyone is well in the new year.

 

It has already been a tough month. I had a friend from work pass away from cancer. She wasn't much older than me, it really made me stop and think about my own life and how important my kids and husband are to me. She had a large family that she was close to and it was so beautiful to see how close knit they are.

 

DH has been in a good mood lately and so he is doing more social things. He came home yesterday with an invite to go to the beach next summer for a week with 4 other families in one of those huge houses. yikes2.gif sounds like a horrible idea. I'm hoping that my work schedule conflicts so that it will be easier to say no. I don't even know three of the families. DH is an extrovert btw...


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#736 of 792 Old 01-17-2011, 02:40 PM
 
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Kaby - I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

 


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#737 of 792 Old 01-24-2011, 06:06 AM
 
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I was so amazed when I started reading this thread. I suppose I've always realized I'm a bit of an introvert, but I never knew the exact definition, nor was aware of how much it encompasses who I am.

 

I grew up in a family of noisy extroverts and it was pretty torturous since it was always them against me--and obviously something had to be wrong with me, the odd one out, right? Even when I was little, I used to hide in my closet (closet door ajar, bedroom door open wink1.gif) to get away from my mom and her constant talking.

 

As a child, my parents called me a cold fish and antisocial all the time--I believe they were hurt and lashing out because I needed alone time and they thought it was because I didn't enjoy spending every waking moment with them.

 

The weird thing though is that I have battled loneliness all my life, and I don't know if it has anything to do with my introverted personality. It's so hard to find someone I can be myself around and open up with. And my life has moved me around the world, so it's so hard to hold onto the few good friendships I've made over the years, when those relationships are all long-distance.

 

Does anyone else also find that even when you do find someone who you feel you can talk to, the other person rarely seems to reciprocate? I am often puzzled and a bit hurt when I try to nurture a new friendship and the person instead withdraws. As a SAHM with a young toddler and a husband I rarely see, I really long for just one really good friend, who I can talk to, but friendship seems like such an elusive thing for me. 

 

Well, thank you so much to all of you for sharing your own experiences. I, too, have a very demanding toddler who says "mama, mama, mama" all day long and it drives me absolutely bonkers. And I am also petrified of having a second child because I couldn't imagine having TWO little people demanding I talk and sing and play with them all day long--argh!

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#738 of 792 Old 01-24-2011, 06:24 AM
 
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Subbing privateeyes.gif

 

I was surprised to see this one come up today, I've never heard the definition at the start of this thread but it really does explain alot.  I am lucky enough to be from a family with several introverts so I wasn't ever pushed one way or the other but my husband is a complete extrovert and it took him a really long time (probably 10 years) to understand how I worked and felt comfortable because he comes from a family of pretty much only extroverts.


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#739 of 792 Old 01-24-2011, 08:01 AM
 
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Hello all

 

I would like to chat with some other introverts. How do you go about making friends? I find it extremely difficult. I hope this thread gets revived.


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#740 of 792 Old 01-24-2011, 06:01 PM
 
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I have probably replied to this a long time ago. Nice to see it pop up again. Im not a shy person . I have no problem talking to peoplebut after being around a lot of people or in a crowded area with lots of noises and such I need time to recharge. It just drains me. Im also quite a hermit. If givin a choice to go out to a party or school event I would much rather stay at home. I was thinking about this today. There is no where that I would rather be than home.

There's no place like home orngtongue.gif

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#741 of 792 Old 01-24-2011, 07:27 PM
 
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I haven't posted on here in a while.  I was definitely feeling the downside of being an introvert with my kids tonight.  My husband works long hours and is rarely home before the kids go to bed.  I've got an intoverted 8 year old who loves to read and play video games.  I can sit and quietly read or just be with him.  Then I have a LOUD, constantly talking, contrary and demanding 5 year old.  And, last but not least, a special needs 23 month old, who is in an attachment phase and knows a few signs and very few words, and so often cries and screams.  I was just done tonight.  Done with crying, done with fighting brothers, done with my 5 year old making everything difficult, done with demands and done with my three children needing so much from me.  Not a good feeling.  After they all went to bed, I have read, done yoga and taken a shower and am beginning to feel better.  Of course, I'm going to end up staying up way too late, since I need to clean up a bit before my daughter's therapy session tomorrow morning and take the garbage out still.  Going out in the cold will be sure to wake me up.  And then I will be awoken a 5am by my daughter without having had enough sleep...

On the bright side, my two closest friends are meeting me in New Orleans on Friday for a long weekend.  They live on the other side of the country and I rarely see them.  We went to New Orleans 10 years (and 8 kids) ago and were overdue for a girls weekend.  My husband is taking some vacation days to be with the kids and I will be with two people that I feel comfortable and relaxed with.  Just what I need right now.  I love my children dearly, but I do need some time to just be me and to just be. 


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#742 of 792 Old 01-25-2011, 09:22 PM
 
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Disaster! I was so excited to learn more about myself as an introvert that I naively decided to be open with my mom about why I get so stressed out when she and my dad (both very talkative extroverts) come to stay in our tiny apartment for weeks-long visits. Is it impossible for an extrovert to empathize with an introvert? Because my mom took everything I said very personally and has started writing very hurt, accusatory things. She also thinks there is something psychologically wrong with me and now is writing about how she is worried for me and for my daughter--I think she fears I'm raising my daughter in some sort of isolated, unhealthy environment. Which is totally untrue. I've actually never gone out so much in my life and met up so frequently with other people until I had DD.

 

So now I feel anxious and disappointed and a bit resentful, and I seem to have managed to semi-alienate a good portion of my family with my latest disclosure. (They all pretty much think I don't want to see them any more.) 

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#743 of 792 Old 01-26-2011, 01:33 PM
 
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sobamom - Sorry to hear your family is trying to use your disclosure as an introvert against you. Have you read "The Introvert Advantage" or "Introvert Power?"

 

I would suggest reading them and then passing on "The Introvert Advantage" to your parents. ("Introvert Power" is good but a little more "in your face" about it.) In the meantime (or if they wouldn't read a book about introversion), find some good introvert articles you like online and share them. Maybe having some "proof in print" will help them understand what you are trying to say. Frame it as you want to help them understand you better so you all can benefit for a more satisfying relationship with one another. Also, if you can brainstorm some ways to help meet their needs to see you without making you feel so overstimulated, that might help. Maybe during visits, you can arrange for them to spend time with your DD without you. Then you can get some downtime while they get to feel like they're getting special time with their grandchild. This would work especially well if your DD is extroverted as well.

Hi to all the other new people on this thread. wave.gif

 

 


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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I had an annoying experience at the doctor's office today. I take allergy shots and after a shot, I have to wait in the office for 30 minutes to be monitored just in case of an adverse reaction. That's fine. I like to read or do crossword puzzles or surf the internet on their wifi. But today there was another patient who was just loud and annoying. It started at the front desk. She was being pushy IMO. They accommodated her to get her to shut up. Fine.

 

But then while I was waiting after I had my shot, she was talking so loudly I could hear bit of her conversation with the shots nurse through the open window. Then after she came back out to the waiting area, she kept trying to chat with him about movies and blah-blah-blah - even after he had to call up another patient. I was not the only one in the waiting area that noticed her. I finally got up and moved to the other side of the waiting area. It was quieter after that, but I still could have make out her every word. It was hard to concentrate on my magazine. She moved to my previous seat, right next to the nurse station, but she eventually got out a laptop and stopped talking. I imagine the nurse was glad to be able to get some work done since he had seemed to be trying to get out of the conversation.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#745 of 792 Old 01-27-2011, 09:26 AM
 
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Sobamom, I'm having a similar experience, except it's with my in-laws. They visit two or three times a year and have stayed as long as three weeks. They never ask if the timing of the visit is okay with me (they announce they're coming), and they have never once told me how long they plan to stay. I have just had enough. My husband, in trying to "appease" me, apparently told them not to stay with us at all the last time they were here, but in a hotel. (Every time I try to talk about it he changes the subject, so I don't even know what he has told them.) So the last time they were here, I saw them twice, and they were not very friendly. All I want is shorter visits and not the two to three week killer marathon visits!!!!

 

I have gotten ZERO understanding. It's like they think saying I'm an introvert and that they need to limit their visits is the same thing as saying, "I hate you." My husband insists I'm not introverted, I'm depressed - so to the poster who said it took her husband 10 years to get it, good for you - - I've been married for 25 years and my husband and his family think I have psychological issues because I like my privacy and don't want to entertain guests while going about my usual daily routine. My husband works long hours and is not even home most of the time his parents are here, and I resent having to do all the prep work (clean the house and guest room, sweep the porch, plan, shop for, and cook the meals). I've stopped suggesting outings with them because all they want to do is putter around the house and read the stack of books they brought with them. And chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook. And do my laundry, which some people would probably like, but I feel it's an invasion of privacy. (Why does my mother-in-law need to wash and fold my underwear?) It's just too much togetherness. I DO NOT subscribe to the "mi casa es su casa" school of thought. I've seen his parents more in the last five years than I've seen my own in the last 25. More than he's seen them, too .....

 

Because I've offended them so, they acted very cold to me at Thanksgiving, so I cancelled our annual trip to their house after Christmas. It's like they either have to have free rein over my life and house at their discretion, or no relationship at all.

 

But I had a really nice, drama-free Christmas. I think I'll do it that way next year, too.

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#746 of 792 Old 01-30-2011, 03:13 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starflower View Post

sobamom - Sorry to hear your family is trying to use your disclosure as an introvert against you. Have you read "The Introvert Advantage" or "Introvert Power?"

 

I would suggest reading them and then passing on "The Introvert Advantage" to your parents. ("Introvert Power" is good but a little more "in your face" about it.) In the meantime (or if they wouldn't read a book about introversion), find some good introvert articles you like online and share them. Maybe having some "proof in print" will help them understand what you are trying to say. Frame it as you want to help them understand you better so you all can benefit for a more satisfying relationship with one another. Also, if you can brainstorm some ways to help meet their needs to see you without making you feel so overstimulated, that might help. Maybe during visits, you can arrange for them to spend time with your DD without you. Then you can get some downtime while they get to feel like they're getting special time with their grandchild. This would work especially well if your DD is extroverted as well.

Hi Starflower, thanks so much for the comments and advice. I was really down about it because I've always felt like something of an outsider in my family and now they think they have confirmation that I'm a big weirdo. Sigh.

 

I tried searching for some good online articles, but unfortunately, most of the articles I've found are written by introverts and there is definitely an "us vs them" tone that I think, unfortunately, would alienate a lot of extroverts. Also, my mom seems to now be in a place of denial and simply doesn't want to hear anything more on the subject.
 

As for your last suggestion, unfortunately, my daughter is extremely dependent on me, to the point of even rejecting my husband. She won't tolerate other people unless I'm within clinging distance. Another sigh. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by agreenbough View Post

Sobamom, I'm having a similar experience, except it's with my in-laws. They visit two or three times a year and have stayed as long as three weeks. They never ask if the timing of the visit is okay with me (they announce they're coming), and they have never once told me how long they plan to stay. I have just had enough. My husband, in trying to "appease" me, apparently told them not to stay with us at all the last time they were here, but in a hotel. (Every time I try to talk about it he changes the subject, so I don't even know what he has told them.) So the last time they were here, I saw them twice, and they were not very friendly. All I want is shorter visits and not the two to three week killer marathon visits!!!!

 

I have gotten ZERO understanding. It's like they think saying I'm an introvert and that they need to limit their visits is the same thing as saying, "I hate you." My husband insists I'm not introverted, I'm depressed - so to the poster who said it took her husband 10 years to get it, good for you - - I've been married for 25 years and my husband and his family think I have psychological issues because I like my privacy and don't want to entertain guests while going about my usual daily routine. My husband works long hours and is not even home most of the time his parents are here, and I resent having to do all the prep work (clean the house and guest room, sweep the porch, plan, shop for, and cook the meals). I've stopped suggesting outings with them because all they want to do is putter around the house and read the stack of books they brought with them. And chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook and chit chat and cook. And do my laundry, which some people would probably like, but I feel it's an invasion of privacy. (Why does my mother-in-law need to wash and fold my underwear?) It's just too much togetherness. I DO NOT subscribe to the "mi casa es su casa" school of thought. I've seen his parents more in the last five years than I've seen my own in the last 25. More than he's seen them, too .....

 

Because I've offended them so, they acted very cold to me at Thanksgiving, so I cancelled our annual trip to their house after Christmas. It's like they either have to have free rein over my life and house at their discretion, or no relationship at all.

 

But I had a really nice, drama-free Christmas. I think I'll do it that way next year, too.


Agreenbough, I'm sorry to hear we're going through really similar experiences. I can clearly picture your stiffly offended in-laws' faces! They sound a lot like my parents--just endless chit-chat, from the moment I get up (total hell, since I'm not a morning person) till I pretend to go to bed...early. Like you, though, the upside is that they realize now that I'm not happy when they drop by without asking--though you can't exactly say, "No, don't come," can you?--and staying for weeks.

 

The most unfortunate thing is that your husband isn't more understanding. That must be hard, but he should know and accept you, since I'm sure you haven't changed that must in terms of your introvertedness from when the two of you first met, have you?

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#747 of 792 Old 01-30-2011, 11:59 AM
 
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I haven't changed over the years in respect to my introvertedness, but I have changed in the respect that I'm no longer willing to go along with some things I'm uncomfortable with in order to keep the peace. I come from a family of introverts, so we're all really good at giving each other space and  don't see the need to be alone sometimes as weird. We respect each others' boundaries. We're all on good terms, but don't really talk all that often. Once a month, maybe.

 

My ILs, on the other hand, seem to have MUCH looser boundaries. They're always going the extra mile to "help" even when no help was requested. I'm not really used to "help" and it often comes across as intrusiveness to me. For instance, I can't begin to imagine being a guest in someone's home and cleaning their microwave and cleaning out their refrigerator. I can't imagine being asked to do those things if I was a guest in someone else's home, either. My MIL actually got upset once because my clueless husband told her to clean out the refrigerator, and then I told her that's not the kind of thing a guest should do, and to not do it. (I worded it more politely than that.) I mean, she wouldn't know what needed to be kept, and would likely throw out things I had intended to keep. But she was actually upset, to the point that I felt like saying, hey, if you want to clean out a refrigerator, go home and do your own!

 

I was visiting her once with my husband, and he was out somewhere. I really needed some alone time, so I told her I was going to go out to a local restaurant for a while. So she went and invited my BIL to go with me, without even asking me if I wanted company. Like she simply can't fathom anyone enjoying being alone.

 

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#748 of 792 Old 01-30-2011, 04:49 PM
 
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sobamom - my parents thiink I'm weird and have told me this forever. I don't think it's from the introversion though- I just think very differently from them. I am positive that I am the only INFP in our family. I had my mom take the abbreviated Meyers-Briggs while she was here. She ended up something like mixed for extrovert and introvert pretty evenly. In fact everything on hers was fairly close - except the Judging vs. Perceiving. She was heavy on the J and I am very heavy on the P. I think this difference is what causes most of our problems. We actually get along pretty well most of the time. I don't know what my dad's problem is. lol

 

My family is extremely intrusive though. And patronizing. gag. They call all the time. It's rare to go a week without hearing from them. They're all up in everyone's business trying to "fix" everything. Very co-dependent. Drives me nuts. I have to be very careful about sharing anything with my family because they will try to fix it (even if it "ain't broke") and/or tell everyone else in the family. I think much of this is my dad. He will call me and say my mom wants to talk to me when she may or may not really want to talk. He says she wants to talk but doesn't want to call. I think he's just nosy.

 

DH's family is pretty much non-communicative and the total opposite. I think many of them are extroverts, but they are also very out of sight, out of mind type people and they just don't call or anything. And if you do tell them something, they don't try to take the info and do something with it like my family.

 

agreenbough - it's nuts that your MIL invited your BIL to your dinner out alone. I think for some extroverts the idea of dining alone must be terrifying. Kind of like me thinking about having dinner at DH's office party in loud, noisy room at huge tables full of strangers and chit chat. (AAAACK!) I doubt she'll ever get it. Next time maybe you could tell her you're going to the library or something?


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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#749 of 792 Old 01-31-2011, 10:12 AM
 
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The problem I have now is that I've built up so much resentment over the years that I just can't seem to shake it. Every time it crosses my mind I get angry. I know I shouldn't allow someone to have that much control, but I don't know how to let it go.

I think it's because there has been no closure, and none is in sight. I guess I'm just waiting for the next announcement of a visit to stand up and say, "No more."

It's really hard to get people to understand when they seem to have no grasp of psychology/personality. It's like they have a simple, basic way of thinking about what acceptable behavior is, and any deviation from their script is wrong. Or weird. Or both.

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#750 of 792 Old 02-03-2011, 10:38 PM
 
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That sounds really frustrating and stressful, agreenbough.

 

 

I have been super busy lately. Too busy. DD's extroversion is back now that she's no longer depressed (which is good but is something I have to strive for balance with). So we have been very active and getting out and seeing people a lot. (I would like more drop off play dates!) Strangely enough, I went to a party last Friday, just me, because we had no sitter. I almost didn't go but DH convinced to go for a bit at least. I mostly went for networking. Sounds weird, but I think that's how extroverts kind of work it, so I went mostly to be "seen." I ended up staying a long time and had an OK time. I chatted with one person and watched some other belly dancers. I did not mingle though. Just said hi to the familiar people and ended up chatting with a couple new people I met who were at the same table. The dance community here is very friendly and accepting so it was easier than most parties/social things I have been to in the past.

 

It seems like I have been driving all over and seeing all kinds of people lately between stuff for DD's homeschooling and my belly dance stuff. This week, I had no break at all because it was parent day at wilderness class. I went hiking with the kids and didn't have to talk to people too much. But I have had so little down time, I am wondering if that's part of why I feel slightly on the edge of a minor depression. There's been a lot going on for me internally but I haven't had much time to process it.

 

Tomorrow night we are going to a family game night / Chinese New Year gathering with a group of friends. Most of our activities are for DD. The people are pretty cool so it should be OK. But I am planning on just checking out over the weekend. My goal is to make it through Friday and then just lay low, possibly through Monday.


I am a 40 year old unschooling, belly dancing, artist-mama of one almost 8 year old. I just had brain surgery and blogging.jpg about it a bit because it's just so surreal.
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