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Women of Color #13

56K views 852 replies 47 participants last post by  tracyamber 
#1 ·
Welcome to the new thread everyone!
 
#453 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sorin View Post
Well, ladies, this is unbelievable---

I'm pregnant.

We really did not think that it would happen this soon (first month trying). But a 36 year old egg hooked up with 39 year old sperm and BAM! Due April 20th.

My parents and the ILs are going to be thrilled (*especially* the ILs).

The timing is not so bad. I'll be able to almost get through the spring semester, and finding subs should be easy. I'm only 4 weeks now, so I'm cautiously optimistic, and I have an appointment with a midwife on Sept 11. So far, I only have cramps--persisting, unrelenting cramps--and I'm so so so so tired. Fortunately, those symptoms are not enough to keep me from getting done what I need to get done, and I can still fake on the job that I'm not preg because I'd like to wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone.

The only new hurdle I have to overcome is the scheduling for next semester. Once I found out, I knew that when the time comes to put in our teaching preferences, I am going to request 4 sections of the same class (Freshman comp). The class is easy for me to teach and easy to find a sub for. Here's the catch--last semester, I had agreed to teach a more complicated research writing class with a particular emphasis that would be cross-linked with other classes in the college. Since I will have to bow out of the semester early, I don't think it would be fair to the students if I got involved in such a sophisticated course. (Nor do I really anticipate wanting to expend the tremendous amount of energy needed to plan/teach this course.) I was initially thinking that I will be able to wait until 12 weeks have passed to choose my schedule; that way, I can easily say, "Sorry, can't do the complicated course. Pregnant. Due in April. Can't finish the semester." I go in to the office today, and guess what is in my mailbox . . . the sheet requesting our course choices for the spring! And it is due Aug 17th!!! *sigh* So now, I have to figure out a way to say, "Sorry, can't do the complicated course because . . . um . . .health issues?" I don't know what to say! Help, ladies! I am going to post this over at the WOHM board, but if you have any suggestions, I'd appreciate it!
Wooohoo
: Congratulations
I have no advice either but I am certain it will all work out.
 
#454 ·
SorinCONGRATULATIONS
:
:
:

I don't have any advice, but do you have to give them a reason for not being able to do the class?

eilonwy
, hope you find some relief soon. Maybe try some homeopathic remedies?

I find it fascinating that Oyin and Purplegirl have that connection
. Now that I'm on FB I see how real 6 degrees of separation can be.
 
#455 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jannah6 View Post
SorinCONGRATULATIONS
:
:
:

I don't have any advice, but do you have to give them a reason for not being able to do the class?

eilonwy
, hope you find some relief soon. Maybe try some homeopathic remedies?

I find it fascinating that Oyin and Purplegirl have that connection
. Now that I'm on FB I see how real 6 degrees of separation can be.



This always amazes me too. I am still freaked out about how my cousins were talking about going to this store and here it is Oyinmama's place. Moreover, I found it totally hilarious to be going through my cousin's pictures only to see her husband! Too cool!
 
#456 ·
Congratulations Sorin!!!!!!!

Hello Oyinmama, long time no see! Your son is adorbale, and I can't believe that he is 16 months old!!

As for college costs, I just pray that I am done with school and able to afford to pay his tuition year by year. I hope that I would have had at least 7 to 8 years to work and save, but if not I will just have to cover what scholarships don't.
 
#458 ·
Thanks, ladies! I do not have to give them a reason, so I won't. I think I"m going to just send an email that simply says that I'll be unable to teach the course in the spring, but I'm interested in teaching it in the future. Sometimes straightforward is best!
 
#459 ·
sorin i think that's a great way to go. CONGRATULATIONS!!! i just about reached the point in the thread where you first mentioned you were TTC and were deciding to let go of your grand plan. as someone who was originally TTC for an aquarius child, (LOL!!) i could definitely feel you. ;o)

many wishes for a smooth pregnancy and safe happy delivery.
 
#460 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sorin View Post
Thanks, ladies! I do not have to give them a reason, so I won't. I think I"m going to just send an email that simply says that I'll be unable to teach the course in the spring, but I'm interested in teaching it in the future. Sometimes straightforward is best!
Yes, I agree. Plus you don't want folks too much in your business.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!!
:
 
#461 ·
I've been quiet lately trying to squeeze the most out of summer. Summer is exhausting! LoL.

Here's the predicament: I'm 27 years old and DH just turned 35. He is done having children and wants to just raise the 2 we have. I'm not so sure. I could see wanting another in 3 or 4 years. I think the issue is that DH feels that he has already built up to where he is now and wants to just coast. I feel like I'm still building and I have the energy. Anyway, DH is looking into a vasectomy so that there are no accidents. I just don't know how I will sign those papers agreeing to it. Right now I know I've got my hands full but what about in a few years? And then what makes it more complex is my desire to be a SAHM at least during these younger years to all my children. DH thinks that's just unfathomable especially with another child. At the same time, I'm eager to find a way to make money for the household that would also allow me to homeschool the children therefore it would need to be flexible. I've thought about being an adjunct but honestly, I'm not qualified (no experience, no connections). Do I go back to school? And then where does a new baby fit into all this? And then I realize that I'm only uncomfortable as a SAHM because DH expects me to WOH as soon as the children are school-age (he's not gung-ho about homeschool-take or leave it). I could do the SAHM/homeschool thing (which involves a lot of frugality and sacrifice) while building up a side hustle (tutoring/teaching crochet, writing etc) but DH is looking for that consistent, bi-weekly pay check. And then I just wonder how two married folks have such different ideas and goals and how is this supposed to work?

Sorry for the complex ramble. Needed to get it out.
 
#462 ·
RD, even though I don't share your frustrations, I understand. I also understand your husbands desire for steady pay. With two children, unless they attend public school, is it even worth it to look for a job. If tuition is the same there as it is here, you would have to make at least $60K to break even, and is that possible with limited experience? Does your husband truly understand just how much tuition costs, or does he assume that they will attend public school? Perhaps I am wrong, but I thought that you said in a previous post that public school is not an option.

Are you willing to use mirena or norplant to prevent pregnancy in order to delay a vasectomy. I don't like hormone birth control, but a vasectomy is so final.
 
#463 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by rootzdawta View Post
I've been quiet lately trying to squeeze the most out of summer. Summer is exhausting! LoL.

Here's the predicament: I'm 27 years old and DH just turned 35. He is done having children and wants to just raise the 2 we have. I'm not so sure. I could see wanting another in 3 or 4 years. I think the issue is that DH feels that he has already built up to where he is now and wants to just coast. I feel like I'm still building and I have the energy. Anyway, DH is looking into a vasectomy so that there are no accidents. I just don't know how I will sign those papers agreeing to it. Right now I know I've got my hands full but what about in a few years? And then what makes it more complex is my desire to be a SAHM at least during these younger years to all my children. DH thinks that's just unfathomable especially with another child. At the same time, I'm eager to find a way to make money for the household that would also allow me to homeschool the children therefore it would need to be flexible. I've thought about being an adjunct but honestly, I'm not qualified (no experience, no connections). Do I go back to school? And then where does a new baby fit into all this? And then I realize that I'm only uncomfortable as a SAHM because DH expects me to WOH as soon as the children are school-age (he's not gung-ho about homeschool-take or leave it). I could do the SAHM/homeschool thing (which involves a lot of frugality and sacrifice) while building up a side hustle (tutoring/teaching crochet, writing etc) but DH is looking for that consistent, bi-weekly pay check. And then I just wonder how two married folks have such different ideas and goals and how is this supposed to work?
Sorry for the complex ramble. Needed to get it out.
As someone who has been married a while and a few more years on you
(you know I mean that in love) this is a case IMO where someone will most likely have to compromise in a large way. The way I see if you will either need to get him to see things your way or compromise ie. you have another baby but you will work, if that makes any sense.

You have a masters right? Yes, its possible to get an adjunct position but they are hard to get (been there done that) with a masters because so many Ph.D's can't find work and generally the first years you get lousy selections as far as offerings. Every class I was ever offered was something I did not want at a time I definitely didn't want and having been an adjunct is a lot more work that you think. (time preparing for class, grading and talking to students) So what seems like good pay ends up being real chump change unless you are teaching IMO at least 3 classes.

I am older than your husband so I can relate to his sense of being done yet at 27 I was like you, I knew I wanted another kid just not at 27. I agree with AM that maybe you can look at options as far as BC...what about an IUD? Its my understanding they are safe now and they last a long time.

Shay
 
#464 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by shayinme View Post
As someone who has been married a while and a few more years on you
(you know I mean that in love) this is a case IMO where someone will most likely have to compromise in a large way. The way I see if you will either need to get him to see things your way or compromise ie. you have another baby but you will work, if that makes any sense.

You have a masters right? Yes, its possible to get an adjunct position but they are hard to get (been there done that) with a masters because so many Ph.D's can't find work and generally the first years you get lousy selections as far as offerings. Every class I was ever offered was something I did not want at a time I definitely didn't want and having been an adjunct is a lot more work that you think. (time preparing for class, grading and talking to students) So what seems like good pay ends up being real chump change unless you are teaching IMO at least 3 classes.

I am older than your husband so I can relate to his sense of being done yet at 27 I was like you, I knew I wanted another kid just not at 27. I agree with AM that maybe you can look at options as far as BC...what about an IUD? Its my understanding they are safe now and they last a long time.

Shay
I have to agree with Shay on this one, and I say this as a person who has been with her DP for over 15 years--ya gotta compromise. The past month or so has been very interesting for me as we went from deciding to have a baby to trying to becoming pregnant in such a short period of time. Do you know what the first thing out of DH's mouth was when I showed him the word "Pregnant" on the digital?

"Oh, no!"

And this is coming from a man who a few days earlier had said that he wanted to have a baby!


He said "Oh, no!" because his first and immediate thought was being able to provide for the kid. Now, DH has a great job, as do I (knock on wood for the both of us), but men are really really really concerned about providing, more so than we might think. So while you are saying, "Oh, I'll just be frugal and that'll be fine," *he's* probably thinking, "How can I provide for more than two?" He may also be feeling the stress of being the sole provider, and in his head, he sees your eventual return to work as helping to reduce some of that stress.

In order to get through this hump right now, I suggest that neither one of you make any permanent decisions. Shay's suggestions of an IUD is a good one. Talk to your DH and get him to agree to adopt a non-permanent but reliable method of BC; then you can promise to re-evaluate the thrid kid/homeschool/SAHM/WOHM in six months. The important thing is that neither of you dig in your heels or make ultimatums. That will only cause problems and may harm the relationship. Talk to each other. Set up a six month plan. If after six months, neither of you have changed your positions, give yourself another six months. You are young. You have the time! He may find that over time, he does want another baby. You may find that you do want to get a paying job. You just don't know. Talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more. The most important thing is to be flexible and not to make any permanent moves right now.

Good luck!
 
#468 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by AndrewsMother View Post
RD, even though I don't share your frustrations, I understand. I also understand your husbands desire for steady pay. With two children, unless they attend public school, is it even worth it to look for a job. If tuition is the same there as it is here, you would have to make at least $60K to break even, and is that possible with limited experience? Does your husband truly understand just how much tuition costs, or does he assume that they will attend public school? Perhaps I am wrong, but I thought that you said in a previous post that public school is not an option.

Are you willing to use mirena or norplant to prevent pregnancy in order to delay a vasectomy. I don't like hormone birth control, but a vasectomy is so final.
DH's solution to the public school conundrum is to make the best of the situation, i.e. plug the holes in the education at home. Because there's no way we could afford private school--not even parochial school. I'm completely against public school in the town I live in now especially after 5th grade. He would be willing to move then.

I had the paraguard and it came out (it was a whole fiasco). I'm willing to do hormonal bc now as an alternative to the vasectomy even though I really don't like the idea of it. It's definitely not as final, I completely agree.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shayinme View Post
As someone who has been married a while and a few more years on you
(you know I mean that in love) this is a case IMO where someone will most likely have to compromise in a large way. The way I see if you will either need to get him to see things your way or compromise ie. you have another baby but you will work, if that makes any sense.

You have a masters right? Yes, its possible to get an adjunct position but they are hard to get (been there done that) with a masters because so many Ph.D's can't find work and generally the first years you get lousy selections as far as offerings. Every class I was ever offered was something I did not want at a time I definitely didn't want and having been an adjunct is a lot more work that you think. (time preparing for class, grading and talking to students) So what seems like good pay ends up being real chump change unless you are teaching IMO at least 3 classes.

I am older than your husband so I can relate to his sense of being done yet at 27 I was like you, I knew I wanted another kid just not at 27. I agree with AM that maybe you can look at options as far as BC...what about an IUD? Its my understanding they are safe now and they last a long time.

Shay
Shay, you're like the big sister I never had.
I realized the other day that this is one of those situations where it's even hard to say it's a compromise because a child is either/or. Either you have one or you don't. And I certainly don't want to bring an unwanted child into the world so as it stands now, I'd rather just stay with the two than force him to have another. His stance is that he could "stomach" having another one if I went to work which is way different than he would want another one if I went back to work outside the home.

I'm actually meeting with some former professors of mine in the upcoming weeks to talk about the feasibility/practicality of being an adjunct. My father was an adjunct for many years and it was not pretty--the politics and struggles trying to get classes to teach and erratic schedules, etc. I can't say I'm ready for that. I would like to go for my Ph.D. when the kids are a bit older but I'm still paying off student loans (although as my friend pointed out, I have way less loans then average--still). Even if we stay with two children, I'd like to work out of the home at least part time--something flexible and fulfilling like maybe an after-school program or something because I really do enjoy teaching.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sorin View Post
I have to agree with Shay on this one, and I say this as a person who has been with her DP for over 15 years--ya gotta compromise. The past month or so has been very interesting for me as we went from deciding to have a baby to trying to becoming pregnant in such a short period of time. Do you know what the first thing out of DH's mouth was when I showed him the word "Pregnant" on the digital?

"Oh, no!"

And this is coming from a man who a few days earlier had said that he wanted to have a baby!


He said "Oh, no!" because his first and immediate thought was being able to provide for the kid. Now, DH has a great job, as do I (knock on wood for the both of us), but men are really really really concerned about providing, more so than we might think. So while you are saying, "Oh, I'll just be frugal and that'll be fine," *he's* probably thinking, "How can I provide for more than two?" He may also be feeling the stress of being the sole provider, and in his head, he sees your eventual return to work as helping to reduce some of that stress.

In order to get through this hump right now, I suggest that neither one of you make any permanent decisions. Shay's suggestions of an IUD is a good one. Talk to your DH and get him to agree to adopt a non-permanent but reliable method of BC; then you can promise to re-evaluate the thrid kid/homeschool/SAHM/WOHM in six months. The important thing is that neither of you dig in your heels or make ultimatums. That will only cause problems and may harm the relationship. Talk to each other. Set up a six month plan. If after six months, neither of you have changed your positions, give yourself another six months. You are young. You have the time! He may find that over time, he does want another baby. You may find that you do want to get a paying job. You just don't know. Talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more. The most important thing is to be flexible and not to make any permanent moves right now.

Good luck!
I'm slowly coming to see how so differently men think than we do. He definitely sees my return to work as a relief and that actually makes me feel guilty a lot that I am a SAHM even though we agreed to it. Me being a SAHM was not the original plan and while I was able to get with the new plan (me being a SAHM), he's antsy. But you're right . . . flexibility is key right now. Since the IUD didn't work, I'm going to talk to dh about hormonal bc and 6 month plans. That actually seems like the best move right now. T

Quote:

Originally Posted by purplegirl View Post
I totally agree with pp's that compromising is optimal to the happiness and longevity of any relationship. OF course the compromising has to be done equitably or one partner is likely to feel resentful.
Very true!

Wow . . . thanks so much for your input. I can't tell you ladies how much you've helped me.
 
#470 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jannah6 View Post
rootzdawta, whatever is decided I hope that things work out for you all, children included.

An online friend sent me this http://www.africanamericanimages.com...tissetclae.htm, what do you all think?

Looks interesting - but I wish they provided more details on what the curriculum actually contains.
 
#472 ·
Hi everyone! I have been MIA for the last few weeks. Just now catching up with the thread. Congrats on the bfps, welcome to the new members and Jannah, good luck with homeschooling.

This is something that we have been exploring for us as well. My kids are still young though so we do have time to decide still. I grew up in the NYC Public School system and have lots of reservations especially in the area where we live.

We def have been enjoying our summer...a few events here and there and today we are going to Brooklyn Bridge Park for a lil tour of the cove. Can't wait. But it has been hot as crazy and my preggo self is not liking that too much. haha
 
#474 ·
Hi Ladies. I'm popping in to say hello and to bump us up!
I watching the summer slowly slip away as I am gearing up to return to my work in the schools. I had a fairly decent summer,though I experienced major stress in many areas of my life. I am pulling out it but have one more hurdle to cross.
On a positive note, my contract was increased with one of the local school districts
:. I am thrilled and looking to hire at least one other therapist to work for me. So I will be working in two middle schools and two elementary schools. I am still seeing folks in my private office so needless to say, I am going to be one busy sista!

I hope you all are doing fabulously and enjoying the remaining days of summer!!
 
#475 ·
Not really suppossed to be here
, my FB friends know what I mean. Just droping by to say hello.

: Purplegirl, CONGRATULATION

Thanks, Sheila. I hope it works out well for me, and you if yo decide on HS. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but my 8 yr old DD has ADHD/ODD and she is a real challenge.

Welcome back BKmami, you've been on my mind. I'm in Bed-Stuy, so I know what you mean.
 
#476 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jannah6 View Post
Not really suppossed to be here
, my FB friends know what I mean. Just droping by to say hello.

: Purplegirl, CONGRATULATION

Thanks, Sheila. I hope it works out well for me, and you if yo decide on HS. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but my 8 yr old DD has ADHD/ODD and she is a real challenge.

Welcome back BKmami, you've been on my mind. I'm in Bed-Stuy, so I know what you mean.

Hey mamita. Don't hesitate to contact me if you need some strategies for for helping your dd with the ADHD and ODD.
 
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