I need to vent.... then, I will respond to the moving to AIT questions tomorrow when my head is a little clearer.
So ds has been having major issues behavior wise. I simply don't know how to help him. I know having DH gone, and then a new baby in a matter of two weeks HAS to be hard. Plus, he turned two in that time, so that brings on it's own set of challenges I am sure.
Then, add in newborn dd. She has colic. Every day has been a little worse then the day before.
Now, I'm also in college full time online, and I am stressed to a max with an outside circumstance that should be over with completely next week. (Hoping!!)
Today I finally snapped. ds threw a car at my head, and I barely ducked in time. I yelled, then I put my hand on his stomach (I was sitting on the floor in front of him nursing dd... he was standing) and kinda shoved him backwards a step. He didn't fall or anything, and he definitely wasn't physically hurt, but his face showed me how hurt he was emotionally
we never yell, and we definitely never get physical in our house. I felt horrible... and it scared me as well.
I immediately apologized, and I talked to him and told him that maybe a change of scenery would help us all. He asked for a car ride to see trains. So I agreed, and we all loaded up and the rest of the night went much better. However, my guilt over it is insane. I will never let myself get to that point again, I will try to change scenery before it ever gets close to that...especially because it obviously worked.
Now, because of the guilt, I told my mom about what happened on the phone. She freaks out on me and tells me she is coming over to take the newborn for a few hours. Now, I am EBF... and she is severe colic... how is this going to help me? I told my mom I was not comfortable with that, especially with how young dd is. She told me "well, she is obviously just going to cry either way so why does it matter if she is with you where you can offer her a boob or not?" I just started crying and told her no thanks. She told me "well when you kill your kids tonight because you cant handle yourself, and the police call me to tell me you are in jail, just remember I offered and it could have been prevented!"
Really!?!? This is my "support" here? I'm so frustrated and hurt. And of course, I am slapped in the face with missing DH that much more. I would give anything to have his reassuring words tonight, his hugs, and his help... help that I trust and can count on for positive influence. Of course, if he calls... I also know I cant tell him about tonight... he will be so worried
He has enough on his plate right now I am sure, he doesn't need to be worried about us here at home too.
I am constantly awake with one of the kids, I am exhausted. I am stressed. I am lonely. I'm not depressed, because seriously, most days go better than today. However, it's just all the stuff that's been going on. It's just been all this week and more next week. I know all the stuff that is stressing me out will get better, and it's not permanent ... so that keeps me going. I just feel horrible about my actions though.