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#61 of 263 Old 09-09-2010, 03:58 PM
 
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Hey guys.. haven't posted on one of these threads in awhile but I could use some support! DH is deploying soon (his first real deployment) and it is causing some pretty big issues for us. We had decided I would come home during deployment to pay off debt and because we have 3 kids under 3 and he may deploy before the baby is born. But he had like a MAJOR freak out last month and asked for a separation and a bunch of other crap. We do have our share of issues but this deployment is just throwing everything into overdrive. We have since worked things out a bit (no more separation talk or anything) andI have started going to counseling. Anyway, I have heard that it is pretty normal for couples to have problems before the guys leave and that withdrawing emotionally is pretty common. Not sure what I am looking for... just some people who have BTDT maybe...

Rachel, proud Army wife to my superhero.gif and SAHM to my crazy boys jumpers.gif... Trevor 4/08, Trenton 6/09 and Travis 10/10
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#62 of 263 Old 09-09-2010, 04:08 PM
 
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Anyway, I have heard that it is pretty normal for couples to have problems before the guys leave and that withdrawing emotionally is pretty common. Not sure what I am looking for... just some people who have BTDT maybe...
Yes, that is very common. My dh and I used to fight something awful right before he would deploy. For us it would even happen before he'd leave for a short field op. I think my dh stresses a lot about getting everything ready to leave while worrying about being away from his family. He's not good at expressing any of that so he just acts like a jerk.

What helped us was to recognize what it was and why it was happening and put everything out in the open. Now whenever stuff starts to come up I try to gentle remind him that he seems to be stressing.

The other thing I have learned to do is completely leave him alone when he is preparing for a field op or a deployment. I don't bug him about doing anything for me. I don't worry about him staying up until 3 am. Well, except this last time when I tried to help him fold his bug net tent. I looked the instructions up and YouTube and proceeded to follow along. The tent folded and then the supposedly unbreakable bendy poles snapped apart.

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#63 of 263 Old 09-09-2010, 04:44 PM
 
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I have to admit I am not so good at just leaving him alone... which is something I know I need to work on. I have been a bit better about it though so hopefully he will feel less stress on that end of things? I wish I was there to help him more but with his deployment dates so up in the air it wasn't really possible for me to stay down there much longer...

Rachel, proud Army wife to my superhero.gif and SAHM to my crazy boys jumpers.gif... Trevor 4/08, Trenton 6/09 and Travis 10/10
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#64 of 263 Old 09-09-2010, 05:22 PM
 
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I have to admit I am not so good at just leaving him alone... which is something I know I need to work on. I have been a bit better about it though so hopefully he will feel less stress on that end of things? I wish I was there to help him more but with his deployment dates so up in the air it wasn't really possible for me to stay down there much longer...
Sometimes I'm better at leaving my dh alone than others. Recently, I've been getting annoyed with him for setting all of his stuff up in the living room and then getting mad at the kids when they come barreling through. Um...if you don't want your stuff trampled, don't put it in the middle of the living room floor. I notice I am better at leaving him alone if he lets me know ahead of time that he's going to be busy one night or one weekend. I get really upset if I think we're going to be able to hang out and he goes off by himself to make sure he has all of his gear.

I didn't realize you were already gone. Maybe that will make things easier for him. He knows that you are safe and settled now so he can totally focus on the mission at hand.

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#65 of 263 Old 09-09-2010, 06:05 PM
 
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Sometimes I'm better at leaving my dh alone than others. Recently, I've been getting annoyed with him for setting all of his stuff up in the living room and then getting mad at the kids when they come barreling through. Um...if you don't want your stuff trampled, don't put it in the middle of the living room floor. I notice I am better at leaving him alone if he lets me know ahead of time that he's going to be busy one night or one weekend. I get really upset if I think we're going to be able to hang out and he goes off by himself to make sure he has all of his gear.

I didn't realize you were already gone. Maybe that will make things easier for him. He knows that you are safe and settled now so he can totally focus on the mission at hand.
I hope it will make things easier for him... though I think in some ways it is harder because he has to like, feed himself and do his own laundry!! Oh well, I know we can work through this. My DH does the same thing with his gear though, puts it in the middle of the living room floor then gets annoyed when the kids touch it! They are 1 and 2... I am not sure what he thinks is going to happen!! Anyway, I am going to counseling and a few books have been recommended to me so hopefully it helps!!

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#66 of 263 Old 09-09-2010, 06:31 PM
 
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Sometimes I swear the military has cameras set up in our house to see the special nights when DH can NOT be late from work without upsetting me... and make those the nights he stays late.

Yesterday would have been fine. Tonight? I made him lemon poppyseed muffins (his fav) to make up for all the sleep hes been missing out on when I wake up with contractions (I try not to wake him but hes so worried he is sleeping on alert lately) and I was hoping he would get home while they were still warm. Then, as soon as I pull them out, he texts me that hes going to be late tonight!

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#67 of 263 Old 09-09-2010, 11:40 PM
 
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Rachel.... I could have written your post to some degree a few months ago. I definitely think being near the end of pregnancy makes it much, much worse as well (I was days away from giving birth when DH left for training) I was completely neurotic at times

We also fought a LOT before he left. I remember thinking how crazy we must be for fighting, until others admitted they do it to. It's pretty normal during the withdrawal process.

Kourtney, happily married to my soldier and raising ds 7/08 .... dd 7/10..... and ds 11/11

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#68 of 263 Old 09-10-2010, 03:52 PM
 
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Woo burst of energy

And the thought that a 9/11 baby would be so suiting for her daddy...

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#69 of 263 Old 09-10-2010, 03:54 PM
 
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Rachel.... I could have written your post to some degree a few months ago. I definitely think being near the end of pregnancy makes it much, much worse as well (I was days away from giving birth when DH left for training) I was completely neurotic at times

We also fought a LOT before he left. I remember thinking how crazy we must be for fighting, until others admitted they do it to. It's pretty normal during the withdrawal process.
I'm glad it isn't just us... I REALLY hope his command approves a week of leave for him this month so we can see him again before he deploys... otherwise we won't see him till RnR!!

Rachel, proud Army wife to my superhero.gif and SAHM to my crazy boys jumpers.gif... Trevor 4/08, Trenton 6/09 and Travis 10/10
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#70 of 263 Old 09-11-2010, 01:10 AM
 
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All right, ladies!!!

As of tomorrow morning.... I will be on my way driving 18 hours with both kids (Lord, help me!) to visit my soldier!

Going to completely surprise him actually

I wish it were under better circumstances, but whatever... a chance to see him is a chance to see him.

Please just keep us in your thoughts!!! I am crossing my fingers for things to go smoothly, and for things to work out on his end.

Kourtney, happily married to my soldier and raising ds 7/08 .... dd 7/10..... and ds 11/11

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#71 of 263 Old 09-11-2010, 08:08 AM
 
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Good luck with your trip!

Claire, mommy to Robbie (8/23/08) and Brena (4-22-11) and wifey to Joe
 
 
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#72 of 263 Old 09-11-2010, 08:31 AM
 
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Kourtney ~ Good luck and have a safe trip.

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#73 of 263 Old 09-11-2010, 10:24 AM
 
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Going to completely surprise him actually

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#74 of 263 Old 09-11-2010, 02:00 PM
 
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All right, ladies!!!

As of tomorrow morning.... I will be on my way driving 18 hours with both kids (Lord, help me!) to visit my soldier!

Going to completely surprise him actually

I wish it were under better circumstances, but whatever... a chance to see him is a chance to see him.

Please just keep us in your thoughts!!! I am crossing my fingers for things to go smoothly, and for things to work out on his end.
Good luck and safe travels! Do you have a military i.d. for yourself yet? If not, I suggest you go to the ID card office on post on Monday and get one - it will make life easier for all of you.

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#75 of 263 Old 09-11-2010, 02:01 PM
 
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Woo burst of energy

And the thought that a 9/11 baby would be so suiting for her daddy...
The day is young, Mae . I'll be thinking of you.

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#76 of 263 Old 09-11-2010, 02:57 PM
 
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All right, ladies!!!

As of tomorrow morning.... I will be on my way driving 18 hours with both kids (Lord, help me!) to visit my soldier!

Going to completely surprise him actually

I wish it were under better circumstances, but whatever... a chance to see him is a chance to see him.

Please just keep us in your thoughts!!! I am crossing my fingers for things to go smoothly, and for things to work out on his end.
You're in my prayers.

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#77 of 263 Old 09-11-2010, 04:20 PM
 
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Today we went to the Beirut/Vietnam memorial... they have a WTC beam there. Brought back a lot of memories of the day...

DH and I then explained 9/11, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan (and why DH and BIL had to go over there, and my brother will be going next year), the Beirut bombing and the Vietnam war to the kids.

And for the first time, the kids were told about how DH had been shot at in Iraq...

They handled it very well... and were very respectful the entire time at the memorial. I'm so proud of them.

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#78 of 263 Old 09-12-2010, 05:47 PM
 
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Hey guys.. haven't posted on one of these threads in awhile but I could use some support! DH is deploying soon (his first real deployment) and it is causing some pretty big issues for us. We had decided I would come home during deployment to pay off debt and because we have 3 kids under 3 and he may deploy before the baby is born. But he had like a MAJOR freak out last month and asked for a separation and a bunch of other crap. We do have our share of issues but this deployment is just throwing everything into overdrive. We have since worked things out a bit (no more separation talk or anything) andI have started going to counseling. Anyway, I have heard that it is pretty normal for couples to have problems before the guys leave and that withdrawing emotionally is pretty common. Not sure what I am looking for... just some people who have BTDT maybe...
Rachel, I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to come hang out with us more often!

Anyway, I'm just checking in and subbing. For some reason, I never get the notifications from my subscribed threads at this forum, so I forget about them.

I have been so busy lately and I'm happy to say, that our homecoming is close. Very close!! I can't believe it's almost been a year. I can't believe I survived another one.

: Mom to a wonderful teen girl, a happy little boy and a cute baby girl
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#79 of 263 Old 09-12-2010, 09:25 PM
 
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Rachel, I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to come hang out with us more often!

Anyway, I'm just checking in and subbing. For some reason, I never get the notifications from my subscribed threads at this forum, so I forget about them.

I have been so busy lately and I'm happy to say, that our homecoming is close. Very close!! I can't believe it's almost been a year. I can't believe I survived another one.
I know I need to come see you guys more I am hoping to come to the diaper part Wednesday but I need to see if my mom can watch the kids since its bedtime and all...

I don't know what is going on again. He is back to being not sure what he wants, apparently I expect too much of him because I want him to call us more than once or twice a week. Whatever, if he wants to be left alone I will leave him alone. I just hope he realizes what he is going to lose before he actually loses it.

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#80 of 263 Old 09-12-2010, 10:11 PM
 
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DH finally, tonight, found out the plan for the field op. Thanks people, Im nearly 40 weeks pregnant, waiting until now to decide has TOTALLY helped me.

Anyway, they are making him go out to the field tomorrow to help set everything up, but will be bringing him back tomorrow night so he can come home... then he will be back at his normal job all week until Friday. If hes still around Friday he will be helping clean up and come back... but otherwise he will NOT be gone 24/7 this week.

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#81 of 263 Old 09-12-2010, 10:24 PM
 
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Mae ~ That's great news!

Rachel ~ I'm curious. Why are you the one who needs counseling? Or are you both going to get counseling, just separately since you are going to be separated?

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#82 of 263 Old 09-12-2010, 11:33 PM
 
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Rachel ~ I'm curious. Why are you the one who needs counseling? Or are you both going to get counseling, just separately since you are going to be separated?
Well, with him deploying we can't go to counseling together... though when he gets back I think we need to provided he decides to pull his head out of his butt. But there are also a lot of issues that are MY issues that are affecting our relationship... things thatI know I need to work on regardless. Plus, I think counseling will help me work through everything that is going on.

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#83 of 263 Old 09-12-2010, 11:41 PM
 
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So we made it safely to Ft. Sill... of course, it was quite the adventure, but honestly went much smoother then I thought it would.

I have my military id... I remember how annoying it was when DH was in before, and we were dating. Trying to get me on base was always a PITA since we weren't married! Glad we are now! ha.

Rachel- I hope things work out for you!! Counseling can be sooo helpful, even if it is just you going right now. It takes a special person to admit they have issues to work on and not always blaming their spouse... I am sure it will all work out in the end!!

Mae- that's great the kids took everything so well. Sounds like you guys had a great family day at the memorial. My brother and his fiance took off to the plane crash site in PA to visit. They said it was flooded with people all throuhgout the day.

Kourtney, happily married to my soldier and raising ds 7/08 .... dd 7/10..... and ds 11/11

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#84 of 263 Old 09-13-2010, 12:00 AM
 
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Glad you made it ok Kourt!

And thanks for the encouragement I am hoping that by me taking steps to work on MY issues he will see that I am seriously trying to change things... ya know?

Rachel, proud Army wife to my superhero.gif and SAHM to my crazy boys jumpers.gif... Trevor 4/08, Trenton 6/09 and Travis 10/10
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#85 of 263 Old 09-13-2010, 10:03 AM
 
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Well, with him deploying we can't go to counseling together... though when he gets back I think we need to provided he decides to pull his head out of his butt. But there are also a lot of issues that are MY issues that are affecting our relationship... things thatI know I need to work on regardless. Plus, I think counseling will help me work through everything that is going on.
Ok, I just didn't want you to be the one being blamed for everything. I go to counseling on my own because I have my own issues. Individual counseling is definitely helpful regardless of what the other partner does. My dh came a handful of times when he could. It was difficult because he was gone so much. However, I got fed up with his excuses when he was home that he couldn't get away from work. I think it's a bunch of BS that over the course of several weeks he never had 2 minutes to make a phone call. If needed, he could have excused himself to the bathroom and sneaked off somewhere.

In order to try to get him to understand how serious the situation is, I told him last week that if he didn't call the counseling center on base to arrange for marriage counseling for us, I was leaving. I needed him to show me that our marriage and family is at least as important to him as his career advancement. Amazingly, after that he didn't seem to have any trouble finding the time to make that call. He's supposed to go to the counseling center today to make that appointment.

Kourtney ~ Glad you made it and the trip wasn't bad. Have you been to Ft. Sill before? That's where my dh was from January-July this year. We also lived there for 2 or 3 months while he was doing his artillery MOS training.

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#86 of 263 Old 09-13-2010, 10:59 AM
 
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I know I need to come see you guys more I am hoping to come to the diaper part Wednesday but I need to see if my mom can watch the kids since its bedtime and all...

I don't know what is going on again. He is back to being not sure what he wants, apparently I expect too much of him because I want him to call us more than once or twice a week. Whatever, if he wants to be left alone I will leave him alone. I just hope he realizes what he is going to lose before he actually loses it.
I am so glad you're coming!

Hopefully your husband comes around. This is his first deployment, right? I can't remember. Maybe he is really worried about going over. Think he could be pushing you away due to being scared? I've heard of that happening.

: Mom to a wonderful teen girl, a happy little boy and a cute baby girl
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#87 of 263 Old 09-13-2010, 12:39 PM
 
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I am so glad you're coming!

Hopefully your husband comes around. This is his first deployment, right? I can't remember. Maybe he is really worried about going over. Think he could be pushing you away due to being scared? I've heard of that happening.
I'm glad I'm coming too! This is his first "real" deployment.. the last one he was only gone for 2.5 months and was in the S3 shop the whole time. I hope that is the main cause of this... that seems to be the general opinion of most of my friends husbands who are also military. He knows that I love him and want to be with him and that I'm not going anywhere so hopefully he comes around.

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#88 of 263 Old 09-13-2010, 12:59 PM
 
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My dh becomes very detached when he's getting ready for a deployment. I think it's something that they have to do mentally so that they can leave without losing it. I know that I could not leave my family/children to go somewhere that I might die and never see them again. I'd go AWOL first. But, then, that's why I'm not the ADM. I think I do it, too, to a certain extent. I don't usually have an emotional reaction to dh leaving until about 3 days after he's gone. Denial or detachment or something happens to me in the beginning.

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#89 of 263 Old 09-13-2010, 10:22 PM
 
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Can you ladies help point me to maternity leave info for my Army DH for when our babies come? How much time does he get off? Does the FMLA apply to military? Someone mentioned to us a few days ago he will get only 10 days total, not even 10 work days, this sounds crazy? I know he can take extra leave as well, but I just want to make sure we get every once ofctime we deserve.

partners.gif 2twins.gif  So what if I don't fit cleanly into a defined parenting style, my kids don't fit into a personality archetype either!

 
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#90 of 263 Old 09-14-2010, 08:34 AM
 
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10 days is all my dh got with both of our boys.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

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