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#91 of 263 Old 09-14-2010, 10:13 AM
 
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Its all my DH is getting.

Luckily they changed it sometime in the last few years that it does not count against the leave he already has built up though... so by Christmas we may be able to get back home! If they charged him the 10 days... we would have no hope of that... since he had to take 17 days for our wedding and move (DH says more than 14 is nearly unheard of but luckily they approved it since it was for both wedding and moving cross country)

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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#92 of 263 Old 09-14-2010, 10:16 AM
 
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Do you guys know anything about the new Military & Family Life Consultant Program? It was given to my dh as one of our options for marriage counseling but I don't know about it. I don't need, nor do I want, a life consultant. The pamphlet says it provides short-term, situational counseling. The other option is the marriage/family counseling offered at the counseling center on the base. That seems more like what we need but I don't really know. How do you tell if problems are short-term and situational vs. something more?

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#93 of 263 Old 09-14-2010, 10:22 AM
 
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All right, Mae, time to start those squats and jumping jacks.

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#94 of 263 Old 09-14-2010, 11:20 AM
 
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How do you tell if problems are short-term and situational vs. something more?
uh... try the short term and if it brings up that its something more then its not short term? ... I have NO clue but that is what I would do... just in case its due to the whole being separated for so long...

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#95 of 263 Old 09-14-2010, 11:28 AM
 
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MW - The main attraction of the MFLC program is that it is completely "off the books" - no record of your visits is kept. I would try it out as Mae suggests - could be that your issues are worked out with short term counseling, or it could be that you will need something more intensive. Either way, good luck with this, and kudos to both of you for taking action.

ETA - DH came home last night. He's already made breakfast and coffee, and is currently fashioning a marble maze for the two little guys. Life is good .

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#96 of 263 Old 09-14-2010, 12:56 PM
 
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Hi everybody. Following along but not much to say here.

Yesterday we got the list of billets/assignments that will be open for Huz to make his dream sheet. Not sure if this is the proper terminology, but given the program he's in, there are like 14 jobs, one of which he'll end up in. About half of them will be filled in jan/feb and the other half will be filled in may (when Huz will be assigned). The choices SUCK. Ugh.

Enough of that!

Mae, happy, speedy birthing vibes coming your way!

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#97 of 263 Old 09-15-2010, 04:20 AM
 
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It was given to my dh as one of our options for marriage counseling but I don't know about it. I don't need, nor do I want, a life consultant. The pamphlet says it provides short-term, situational counseling. The other option is the marriage/family counseling offered at the counseling center on the base. That seems more like what we need but I don't really know. How do you tell if problems are short-term and situational vs. something more?
They aren't life consultants in that way. THey are basically family counselors.

They are a temporary solution, but I think they are a great START especially because they don't even take your names. So your DH can go in with 100% confidence that this will not show up ANYWHERE. He doesn't have to take his ID with him into the room if he doesn't want. You know? For me, because of my relationship with DH, and because I don't want squabbles or divorce to show up on my medical record as "mental health problems" (even if I do have them... nobody's business LOL!), it was my first choice.

And it's just so great to talk to someone.

So I highly recommend it. Plus they rotate so that they don't get to know anyone too well. I luuuurve that. I think it's a great program.

They can then tell you, as professionals, if you need something more and you can decide what to do, without your DH worrying about having that on his medical record.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#98 of 263 Old 09-15-2010, 08:36 AM
 
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I don't think my dh is worried about anything being on his medical record. He hasn't said anything about that but I will ask him. I'm the one who's more worried about people in his unit knowing about our problems but that's because (contrary to how it seems on here ) I'm a very private person not because I'm worried about it going on anyone's permanent record.

I don't think going to the counseling center automatically goes on anyone's medical record, does it? They just keep general records and maybe report to command if they think there is a serious problem. If having things go on anyone's permanent record is that much of an issue, we can always go to a civilian provider with me as the primary patient. TC Standard does not disclose my medical records to anyone in the military. I would much prefer seeing someone we could establish a relationship with rather than seeing random people here and there.

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#99 of 263 Old 09-15-2010, 06:18 PM
 
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Lurking, subbing, thinking of joining the Navy...

Nina Wife to DH
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#100 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 09:21 AM
 
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Nina. I'm running into you everywhere on here.

For those who may be interested, I called the counseling services office here and was told that both they and the MFLC offer the same types of counseling services. The only difference is that, like has been said, the MFLC is short-term and they do not keep any records. The turn-around for counselors is every 45 days. That means you'd see a new person every 45 days and have to start all over. I guess they assume no one would use that program that long.

While the counseling center keeps records it's for their own puposes. They do not report anything to anyone or give their records to anyone. Those records do not go into anyone's medical or personnel file. They are, like anyone else, mandatory reporters of abuse or homicidal/suicidal risks.

On another note, I really don't understand why the military operates the way it does. I do understand why various people need to keep track of certain aspects of the ADMs personal lives as they pertain to their jobs. But, I really don't understand why they are expected to get involved with really personal issues that have nothing to do with anyone's service, especially when it's nothing but accusation and innuendo. It's all very strange to me.

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#101 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 11:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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The breaking news of the day is that Andrew has been transfered. We'll no longer be going to Syracuse, we don't really know why yet. This new unit is in Albany. He finally spoke to someone on Monday from the Syracuse unit who said they couldn't give him orders until next summer and they would only last for three months, he flat out told them that wouldn't work. This new unit is an aviation unit, so similar to what he does now, I think that may have something to do with the switch because they must have had a slot open for him. I'm still waiting to hear more about it.

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#102 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 11:51 AM
 
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Lurking, subbing, thinking of joining the Navy...
Do you realize how much sailors are away from home and family? It's a lot more than the regular 6 month deployments that happen every 2 years or whatever it is. You will be gone more than you will be home.

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#103 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 12:13 PM
 
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It looks like we won't be going overseas next year, which is a big relief to me. Yesterday was apparently the last day for overseas assignments to be given out, and dh didn't get one. Honestly, I am soo, sooooo glad. I don't feel like it would have been a good move for us right now. Now if they would just tell us where we'll be moving stateside.
dh has been on remedial PT for 2 months now, and they've finally scheduled his test for next week. We feel pretty confident that he will pass. He'd be looking at a general discharge if he failed. He's done really well changing his diet and he's had to go to PT 6 days a week (it has really killed our weekends). He had failed the tape measure and the running time. He passed his practice test last weekend by a pretty good margin. Maybe he'll finally be able to take some time off after this. We were supposed to take a vacation when he got home from his training in TX back in June, but weren't able to because of one thing or another at work, then the PT failure. We haven't gone anywhere as a family since Christmas, that was also the last time he got to take any leave. We're both desperate to take some time off.

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#104 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 12:38 PM
 
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Nina. I'm running into you everywhere on here.
I promise that I'm not stalking you

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Do you realize how much sailors are away from home and family? It's a lot more than the regular 6 month deployments that happen every 2 years or whatever it is. You will be gone more than you will be home.
Other than deployments, it can't be any worse than the 12 hour days I was gone while working in research. I got to see my kids for an hour a day, sometimes. My youngest will be 2 when/if I sign up and it will be as an officer. DH and I have been talking a lot and I am just the better breadwinner and he is the better homemaker. I know our family dynamics are unusual.

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#105 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 01:19 PM
 
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Katie, I hope you have more info soon. It must be really stressful not knowing what is coming next.

Anyone have any thoughts on/experiences in Yorktown, VA, Everett, WA, or Alameda, CA? Or Kodiak, AK...DH says it's considered an OCONUS move and a critical housing area for BAH (possible geo-bachelor) purposes. Are there any benefits to that?

As you can tell I'm getting anxious for an assignment, even though it probably won't come until after Christmas. My understanding is that the Army and other branches get their assigments a little further ahead of their moves than the CG. Is that right? We'll get an assignment in January (probably) and be moving in May.

Nina, I worked with a bunch of Navy DCOs for a while, and while their lives/schedules seemed more normal than some that I've seen, there was some pressure to seek out deployments for advancement/experience/respect purposes, especially if you had no prior military experience. Are you thinking OCS or direct-commission?

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#106 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 01:21 PM
 
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Other than deployments, it can't be any worse than the 12 hour days I was gone while working in research. I got to see my kids for an hour a day, sometimes. My youngest will be 2 when/if I sign up and it will be as an officer. DH and I have been talking a lot and I am just the better breadwinner and he is the better homemaker. I know our family dynamics are unusual.
Don't be too sure. It's not the same as just working long hours but being able to come home at night and kiss your babies goodnight and being home on weekends. It's being completely gone, away, out of touch for a week here, a month there, continuously.

For example, most recently my dh was deployed from May-December 2009. He was home for exactly 4 weeks part of December 2009 and January 2010. He then went to a different state that's a 4 day drive away from mid-January to mid-July. He was home for about a month and as soon as he checked in with his new unit he had to go on a field op for 2 weeks. He was home for a week and then in the field again for 4 days. He's home now for about 4 weeks then he'll be gone again for 2 weeks. When he comes home from that in mid-October, he'll be home again for maybe another month and then gone for a month mid-November to mid-December.

That's the Marine Coprs, not the Navy, but I told my dh he could join any branch except the Navy because they are gone the most. It may not be exactly the same in the Navy but it's very similar. I knew a lot of sailors when I lived in VA Beach and I saw how often they had to go out. I also see some sailors within the Marine Corps and it's the same thing. Of course, it does also depend somewhat on your military occupation and your current unit but that's the general gist of it.

Believe me when I tell you that until you live it, you can't possibly have any idea how much time you will actually be gone or what it's like. There is no comparison. You don't have a choice. You can't just quit if you don't feel like leaving again or working another long day. And being an officer doesn't make much difference with that. My dh is an officer and while he does get some perks, he works much longer hours most days than most of his enlisted guys.

Although it probably sounds like it, I am really not trying to discourage you. I'm just trying to give you a realistic idea of what the life is like. I think it's hard enough for fathers to leave their children time and time again. I know my dh, who loves being a Marine, struggles daily now with the amount of time he's been away from his kids. I can't even begin to imagine how mothers do it. That's just my perspective, though. There are some ADM moms on here. Maybe they'll offer up a different perspective.

ETA: I don't think there's anything strange with you being the primary or sole breadwinner and your dh being the SAHP. I'd say the same thing to a father thinking of joining the military (Navy especially), especially in a time of war. I don't think it matters who works and who doesn't. I do think that, in general, it can be much more difficult for the family when the mother is gone, out of touch, away for a majority of the time.

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#107 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 02:23 PM
 
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Lurking, subbing, thinking of joining the Navy...
Quote:
Other than deployments, it can't be any worse than the 12 hour days I was gone while working in research.
Oh gosh.

Yes it can. Imagine your sergeant or whatever they have in the Navy calling you at eight p.m. on a Saturday at the very moment you're tucking your babies in (you have the phone on because you have to--that's your job) and telling you you need to be there Sunday morning.

And you had promised the kids the zoo.

They even picked out outfits for it.

Your kids waiting, waiting, waiting for you as you sit there while some blabbermouth talks on and on or punishes you all for something you didn't do... and for whatever reason, DH can't pick them up, and you can't either.

As in, cannot. You'll be AWOL. You just can. not. Someone else has to.

And this happens not once a year, not twice, but monthly or more.

Even if you're an officer.

My friend's husband is a sergeant. He's had duty every four day weekend this year. EVERY. Four day weekend. As well as every weekend.

True, that's the army, but it's also the military.

My husband chose to join rather than face a harsh job environment in 2008 and possible homelessness or me leaving our new baby at home. It has been so hard.

Quote:
It's a lot more than the regular 6 month deployments that happen every 2 years or whatever it is.
Army is every other year for at least one year. Plus, in my husband's unit, 30% of "at home" time is spent training for two weeks or more completely away from family (different town, etc.).

Quote:
DH and I have been talking a lot and I am just the better breadwinner and he is the better homemaker.
If your DH will SAH, then I think it's possible. But be ready to have your entire life changed 100%. I've done a lot in my life and nothing's been as pervasive in my life as this has, and I'm not even the soldier.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#108 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 02:34 PM
 
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when my fil was in the Navy, my mil told me they went months without contact, without even knowing where he was when he was at sea. Fil was on a submarine. Same with my grandfather, he was on an icebreaker in the antarctic and was gone for months and months at a time with almost no contact back home (granted that was in the 50's).

Claire, mommy to Robbie (8/23/08) and Brena (4-22-11) and wifey to Joe
 
 
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#109 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 02:59 PM
 
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Thanks for all the advice. I'm giving myself about 6 months to figure it out. I need some time to think and get in shape. I'm going to research some more of the things you all have mentioned and I'm looking for those moms working in the military.

ETA: I'd be looking into either physician/nurse or becoming a pilot. I know they're two extremes, but I have a B.S. in Biology, finishing my masters in public health, and I'm finding that I'm not that interested in the health field after all of that. That's why I am considering such a drastic change. I can't make ends meet in the civil world and I hate the work anyway. Something has to change for us to even stand a chance.

Nina Wife to DH
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#110 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 03:09 PM
 
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Thanks for all the advice. I'm giving myself about 6 months to figure it out. I need some time to think and get in shape. I'm going to research some more of the things you all have mentioned and I'm looking for those moms working in the military.

ETA: I'd be looking into either physician/nurse or becoming a pilot. I know they're two extremes, but I have a B.S. in Biology, finishing my masters in public health, and I'm finding that I'm not that interested in the health field after all of that. That's why I am considering such a drastic change. I can't make ends meet in the civil world and I hate the work anyway. Something has to change for us to even stand a chance.
How about a flight nurse? Or Public Health Service--Huz has worked with PHS folks--basically, they wear the uniform of whatever branch they are assigned to work with.

You also might consider the Coast Guard. It's DHS rather than Dept. o'Defense, but you get most of the perks the military has to offer, but with somewhat fewer deployments.

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#111 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 03:35 PM
 
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Hey, yeah, the military has a lot of overseas assignments, they'll relocate you, for civilians in medicine.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#112 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 03:55 PM
 
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I second Coast Guard!

DHs family is all military as is mine and the one who is Coast Guard seems to have it best by way of how often he is home to see the kids. Still moreso than a tough full-time job... but not anywhere near as bad as DH and my goodness, his cousin who is in the Navy... forget about it! He just saw his son and wife for the first time in over a year and half last week.

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#113 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 04:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Back to limbo land. This new unit doesn't want him because they're "building a team" and he's an outsider I guess? He's technically not in any unit now, but will still go back to Syracuse I think. I can't remember what they're calling his situation but all I can say is that it sucks.

Claire - Good luck to your DH on his PT test!

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#114 of 263 Old 09-16-2010, 06:52 PM
 
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I just found this thread today and wanted to comment on the poster that is thinking of joining the military.

My DH is Navy. Aviation. He works anywhere from a normal 12 hour day to 18 hour days. And the ship that his command is attached to goes out for 7-9 months every year the last 4 years and is going out again next year. (We'll be shore duty and won't be going with the ship that time.) But has been gone since the ship has come home. Our command has been gone for a month back for 2 weeks. Gone now for 4 weeks back for 2. Leaves again for another 30 days and will be back for the holidays and then goes out with the ship next year for their 9 month deployment. Thank GOD he'll be shore duty by then. But we'll still have the long hours. A 12 hour day is a good day for us.

Married to a Navy man of 12 yrs.

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#115 of 263 Old 09-17-2010, 02:13 AM
 
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Thanks for all the advice. I'm giving myself about 6 months to figure it out. I need some time to think and get in shape. I'm going to research some more of the things you all have mentioned and I'm looking for those moms working in the military.

ETA: I'd be looking into either physician/nurse or becoming a pilot. I know they're two extremes, but I have a B.S. in Biology, finishing my masters in public health, and I'm finding that I'm not that interested in the health field after all of that. That's why I am considering such a drastic change. I can't make ends meet in the civil world and I hate the work anyway. Something has to change for us to even stand a chance.
We enjoy the Navy and everything it has brought us. Do I like when he deploys? No. But the trade-off is the medical, the travel, the way of life. I've been a Navy wife for over 15 yrs and have lived in some pretty awesome places (Italy, Hawaii, Maine, Florida,etc) At least now technology is such that you can email/call/skype more often and stay in touch that way.

DH is a career counselor for enlisted and he loves his job.

DH has gone on 6 6-7 mo deployments plus the work-ups inbetween. But at least in the Navy you generally do shore/sea rotations, so after a few years (3-5) of sea you rotate to shore where you are normally home or on shift work. We are on a shore duty billet now here in HI and it is great. He works a regular day (which about a 10 hr day), only has duty once a month and weekends off.

Good luck in your decision! My DH retires in a few years...and then at the end is the retirement pay.

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#116 of 263 Old 09-17-2010, 01:14 PM
 
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Cant help but think Maes waiting on her military orders.

Explains why shes still not here.


ETA told DH that so he posted on facebook

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At this point, Mae is probably waiting for us to give her birth deployment orders. She's really taking "Hurry up and wait" to heart.

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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#117 of 263 Old 09-18-2010, 12:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like we've received more information this week than we have over months and months of trying to get answers out of people.

DH got in contact with somebody new not associated with either of his units. He was given information on how to get out of the NG and go on active duty instead. We both think that he's at a key point for his NG unit to release him because he's in limbo and not taking up a position with them anymore. He also has the opportunity to take up a captain's slot with his unit here should he stay for the next deployment, and he would get promoted on schedule this winter instead of having to wait with the NG.

So I think that he's going to complete the paperwork requesting to go active duty, and hopefully they will let him go. I think it's the best option at this point. He's asking his branch manager what slots are open elsewhere for him, and given his job, he can go pretty much anywhere. He may still choose to stay here and then move after this next deployment.

So if you can cross your fingers and send positive thoughts, I would appreciate it

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#118 of 263 Old 09-18-2010, 09:31 AM
 
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I hope it works out Katie. All the maybes and not knowing are always stressful for me, hopefully you all will be able to get out of the limbo soon!

Claire, mommy to Robbie (8/23/08) and Brena (4-22-11) and wifey to Joe
 
 
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#119 of 263 Old 09-18-2010, 09:52 AM
 
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Katie ~ I hope it works out for you guys. Dealing with the NG (or at least that one unit) sounds like a mess. AD sounds like it would at least be more consistent and stable.

Mae. After all that anticipation that she might come early and there she is still hanging out all comfy and cozy. Psyche! I hope you're not having too hard of a time with it.

I hadn't sat down and figured out how many hours a day my dh worked until we started discussing it here. He's away from home at work for about 12-13 hours every day. He's basically home long enough to eat, sleep and get ready for the next day. It's been causing a lot of problems for us lately. I know it's not his fault but I feel totally neglected and ignored and discounted. I've always been able to count on him to take care of me and he's just not home enough to do that anymore.

Since he's a CO now he doesn't have duty (that I know of) but he is on call all the time. He has to have his phone on and with him 24/7/365. He has gotten after-hours calls on average 3 or 4 times a week. Luckily, he hasn't had to go back to work yet but I'm sure he will eventually. He got a crazy call from a spouse the other night right after he got home and just as we were trying to head out to dinner. No matter what he said she would not let him off the phone until she heard our youngest screaming in the background even though there was nothing he could do for her at 7:30 at night.

We actually discussed him getting out and doing something else last night. I know he won't and I wouldn't really ask him to, but he was trying to use his job as a reason to not have another baby. I told him that if being away from the kids was that difficult for and that important to him and the only reason for not wanting another baby, then he would/should get out. He has a choice. If he chooses to stay in, then he just has to deal with the hardships. Isn't that what we spouses are told all the time? It sucks but you gotta suck it up and deal.

On a good note, 3yo ds is getting more consistent about using the potty.

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#120 of 263 Old 09-18-2010, 10:15 AM
 
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Woo hoo Katie good luck and hope you guys are completely out of limbo soon, glad you are finally catching a glimpse of the other side!

Yeah, my DH works 10 hours on days he gets off early... and 12+ most days (sometimes even over 16, on late days)

He also gets calls at all times of the day but hes in charge of some guys that I would have to say are not the... I'm not sure the best way to say it so I guess Ill just say... are not the best guys to be in charge of. For various reasons. Including because one thinks 4am on a Sunday morning is an appropriate time to call and ask what time they have to be in on Monday. Dude... seriously...

Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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