Lonely/no friend mamas - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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Finding Your Tribe > Lonely/no friend mamas
irinam's Avatar irinam 06:44 PM 09-07-2005
Originally Posted by MomBirthmomStepmom
hehe I'm in Ca... Although, it's a LARGE state...lol

I used to live in Jersey, and yes, when you live there, you're within 2 hours of ANYONE else in the state...lol I don't know if I can even say that about my county here in CA though :LOL
You are right :LOL , I am in San Fran Bay Area, that should put us more then 2 hours apart...

Pookietooth's Avatar Pookietooth 07:26 PM 09-07-2005
Can I join? I have no family in the area, and haven't really had a close freind that lived nearby since 1994, long before I was a mama. I'm tired of it! It would be so nice to be able to have an adult to talk to regularly!
kindacrunchy's Avatar kindacrunchy 07:37 PM 09-07-2005
Here's my life story. I'm an only child and every friendship I had was the most important thing to me. Kind of like they were my siblings. My nearest and dearest friends I have had since I was 9, but, we live far from each other. Two other close friends I met in college, but, we live far apart. I'm picky about my friends. I want a deep, close friendship, not a superficial one.
Anyway, I met a group of moms while taking a mommy and baby yoga class when my ds was 12 wks old. We all hit it off and have been hanging out at least once a week ever since. But I'm still lonely. Although we have spent so much time together, I've been struggling. I go through phases where I'm very secure and comfortable and then next thing I know I am insecure and uncomfortable. The crazy thing is, I'm the one who got us all together. I like these people. They are good people. I just don't feel like I can really get down to that level of friendship that I crave. I feel that the only thing we have in common is our kids. They only know me as a mom, not who I am as a whole.
Anyway, just got back from a playgroup and was still feeling lonely.
frowningfrog's Avatar frowningfrog 11:39 PM 09-07-2005
MomBirthmomStepmom :
thats great that you found your old friend...
I hope that you 2 can continue to talk often. Its always so great to talk to someone you havent spoken in a long time...

My fathers family recently we all got together, I have 2 cousins that my eldest brother and I were very close with as kids and then their mom (my dads sister) passed away and for reasons unknown to us we lost touch,..,
so it was so great to reunight(sp).

good luck on staying in touch

frowningfrog's Avatar frowningfrog 08:23 PM 09-08-2005

Well if anyone lives in the wakefield Mass. area or close to it and would like to go for a walk sometime or hang out by the lake side ..I have a plan to meet up with some women that I do not yet know to go walking ..
Its my attempt to meet new people....
Its a mom and baby walk, or mom and kid walk if your child is over stroller age...
I do not like the heat so its getting to be not so hot anymore so Its time for me to get out there,,,

my name is Christine btw if I havent said so before..

fairylotus's Avatar fairylotus 04:25 AM 09-09-2005

noorjahan's Avatar noorjahan 01:42 AM 09-10-2005

Pookietooth's Avatar Pookietooth 03:04 AM 09-10-2005
Irinam, too bad I don't still live there, I used to live in Richmond, CA but we moved north to escape the crowds (not that it's never crowded here, just less so).
Fairylotus, maybe you could manifest for a return call? I do hate it when others don't call back, although I'm such a flake myself sometimes.
fairylotus's Avatar fairylotus 03:25 AM 09-10-2005

sunanthem's Avatar sunanthem 02:46 PM 09-10-2005
Hi Ladies. wow I just read this whole thread. I have had friends in the past and have friends all over the country, but we moved across the country a year ago and lost our community that was so close. Now its just us. I live in the country and my house is so isolated and we moved to a conservative religious town that is so not me. I know a few folks, I've started school, and am trying to find mom groups but meanwhile I get so lonely... sometimes I cry to my hubby; "I just wish I had some friends" he says I know hunny, they'll come.
I know what its like too to have a baby and have NO support system. It sucks! I had a little girl, she'll be a month old tomorrow and mostly the only folks that visited after the birth were MIL and the midwives! And MIL had to travel 16 hrs. so she was only here 4 days.
Ok, I don't want to get too upset now, but it is so hard not being ab le to share the beauty and joy of my new baby! It makes me sad. And I also hate
that my 2 yo son has no kid friends to play with.
But I'm working on it. I plan to go to many mom groups but most are an hour away in the city.
I've thought of starting my own locally. I've also thought of going to the unitarian church I think that's a great place to meet people. I'm not religious, but very spiritual, and church is for community.
Well i gotta get off and stop rambling.
just wanted to say I hear ya sisters!

sweetpeasmom's Avatar sweetpeasmom 07:35 PM 09-11-2005
Sad to say this is a tribe for me. I've had so many good close friends over the year but they always seem to move away! starting to feel like I smell or something It's like I'm afraid to get a good friend again and bang they are half way across country. I do have quite a few good online buddies but thats not the same. I already know Aviva! (well we never meet) too bad we are on opposite ends of the state.
Christine, I signed up for your group. Wish I lived near Wakefield but I don't.
Chinese bus co who charge only $15.00 I think for roundtrip from NYC to Boston!!!! Can you beleive that???
I wonder if thats the same busline that had problems with fires? I know there was 2 of them that went up in flames, yikes! I know it was a chinese name one.
hippiemom2's Avatar hippiemom2 10:50 PM 09-11-2005
Hello other mamas. I didn't read the entire thread but thought that I would offer some of my advice.

I have moved at least a half dozen times and each of those moves was over 2,000 miles. I know what it is like to come into a brand new town and know no one. It does take time to find others to connect with. I would suggest trying to get a playgroup together. It is an easy way to try and meet some new people. Also, the UU church is a wonderful way of meeting others and they usually have a lot of kid-friendly activities. Also, if they do offer activities that is just for adults they usually offer some sort of childcare. I would highly suggest it. I loved my UU church in Bellingham and am so sad there isn't one very close to the place we just moved in Ohio. I did find one that was only 45 minutes away and will have to check it out.

I would also try hooking up with others via MDC and the tribal areas. I have had great success with this. It is a good way to start a playgroup. I would suggest meeting in a mutual public destination the first time in case they are crazy or something. If you aren't getting much of a response then try posting a flyer in a library, community food co-op, natural foods store, etc. to advertise your playgroup. Hang your flyers in areas that you like to be in and chances are you will find others who like to be there too and at least you will have that in common.

I would also suggest getting involved in some volunteer work WITHOUT the children if possible. Focus in on something that you are passionate about. It could open the doorway for others to see you as something other than mommy and be able to utilize your passions to find others who share it.

I would try and go to the library for story time, the park, or other places in your town where mothers/babies congregate and actually talk to the other mothers. I am not shy and will try and strike up a conversation with any of the other mamas. I have noticed that many other mamas do not speak up. Many are really shy and are just waiting for someone to introduce themselves. Most of the time it will be a positive experience and if you happen to run into a b*tch then you can use that to break the ice with another mama. Or you can just stick your tongue out at her and call her a name like "Pumpkin butt breath" :LOL

I noticed that I had a much harder time finding friends once I became a mama. Plus, it depends upon the region. In California, the people seemed much more approachable and pleasanter than say in Washington (probably because of the amount of sunshine or something :LOL ). The midwest is just awful when you are a dreadhead hippie freak that doesn't shave her pits or legs. I have to wait until people get past how I look and realize that I am just a person underneath the freaky exterior. :LOL But, I am still trying and I know there has to be other freaks out there as well. In fact, I just met someone online today who just moved here from Seattle through MDC and we will try and meet up soon. It takes time, patience, and a lot of getting through the fear of rejection. If you can overcome that fear then you will find that you can be much more open with others and then others will slowly start coming into your lives.

When my daughter was only a year old and my son was three it was almost impossible to find time and energy to be able to meet others. I found myself consumed by the mothering of those two children and no time to actually do something about my loneliness. There were times when I would feel so lonely that it was almost a physical hurt and felt as though it might consume me. I would bemoan my situation thinking why did I have to move so far away again but inevitably it would work itself out. It is all about trust and faith in yourself to be worthy enough to have others like you.

But, as my children have gotten older and become more involved in school/ preschool and other social activities it has become easier. I have had much more exposure to other mommies and I have been much more forward and it has definitely helped.

I bid all of you lonely mamas much luck. Get out there and find yourselves some friends. YOU CAN DO IT YOU ARE A MOTHER AFTER ALL AND MAMAS CAN DO ANYTHING!!!!!!

slacker_mom's Avatar slacker_mom 12:26 AM 09-12-2005
That was a nice post, Shelbi. Thanks.
MomBirthmomStepmom's Avatar MomBirthmomStepmom 03:30 PM 09-12-2005
While I appreciate the advice of those who were once in my predicament (or our? I don't wanna sound like I'm talking for everyone!!), it's not as easy as 'go to the park or library', 'go to church', 'volunteer without the kids' etc... Not for me anyway.

I don't drive, and the only thing within walking distance is like a grocery store etc... And that's when it isn't 100+ degrees out...

I'm not religious, athesit in fact, so church is a no-go for me. And well, there just aren't enough hours in the day for SO to watch the kids so I can run off and volunteer or do much of ANYthing without the kids...

I would love those oppurtunities, and am looking for a way to make those somewhat of a reality for me... But for right now, none of those are possible...

Kind of a hopeless feeling sometimes actually...
lovemyT's Avatar lovemyT 01:45 PM 09-14-2005
Feeling pretty lonely these days.

I am an introverted mama to a 20 month old DD. I am terrified that DD will be shy like me, so I "force" myself to get out there and mingle. We have been going to music classes and story time for a few months now, but so far no luck getting past the casual chit chat stage. It seems like everyone already knows each other and we are the odd gals out. Sometimes I think it's because I give off the wrong signals...I am shy but I think I come off as *itchy! Trying to work on that. Nice to know I'm not alone.
hippiemom2's Avatar hippiemom2 04:08 PM 09-14-2005
I didn't want to come off as preachy just trying to offer advice for a predicament that many of us face. Another thing that I found to help especially when I couldn't get out of the house was to do a research project. I am a perpetual student and love to learn so I would assign myself "homework" :LOL

I did projects on sustainable housing, midwifery, tried to research and figure out why communes didn't work in the sixties and why some of the sustainable communities are working today (still working on that one though) etc. Whatever crossed my fancy. I even completed the entire Dulouz legend by Jack Kerouac and tried to understand why "On the Road" was such a significant voice in American Literature. These activities helped me to feel stimulated like I was working with my gray matter and it wasn't just wasting away. Perhaps if you aren't very close to other people you can bring the outside world in by diving into some great books.

Good luck ladies. I hope you find someone to make your journey a little less lonely.

slacker_mom's Avatar slacker_mom 01:53 AM 09-15-2005
Originally Posted by lovemyT
Feeling pretty lonely these days.

I am an introverted mama to a 20 month old DD. I am terrified that DD will be shy like me, so I "force" myself to get out there and mingle. We have been going to music classes and story time for a few months now, but so far no luck getting past the casual chit chat stage. It seems like everyone already knows each other and we are the odd gals out. Sometimes I think it's because I give off the wrong signals...I am shy but I think I come off as *itchy! Trying to work on that. Nice to know I'm not alone.
I often feel this way, but lately I've come to terms with myself a little more, and I've begun thinking that I'd rather set an example of being comfortable with who I am (pretty shy and very introverted) instead of trying to be something I'm not.

My DD shows no signs of introversion... in fact, she's pretty much the opposite, which is a bit of a strain on me!
aolinsmama's Avatar aolinsmama 09:08 PM 09-15-2005
another lonely mama here. i have never actually felt i belonged in a tribe until this! i have also mutually drifted apart from the one or two friends that i had here. (one used me for childcare a lot, then i couldn't do it, she drifted away (?)) then another friend moved 2 hrs away, we visit but i wish she was back here. i am way far from family, they are in the southeast u.s. and i am in the pacific nw. that is tough. i feel lots of people here are very "closed" or maybe that is just my perception. when i am back home, everyone says hello how are you doing etc. even if they don't know you.
i push myself into playgroups etc. like the previous posters suggested but it is mostly for my children, the mamas never seem to want to connect-or again maybe it is my perception.
frowningfrog's Avatar frowningfrog 03:38 PM 09-16-2005
where I live is about 15 minutes away from boston. so im not so much near the city but a reasonable distance if you wanna visit the city.lol..
Ya I dont think a bus that costs 15.00 sounds to safe better to wait till you can afford that 60 dollar tab...boston is worth it very historical.

Im glad that you joined my group i hope that you like it there. there is all different type of lifestyle moms there and they are a fun group so far.there has been few from MDC that have joined up also.

sorry i didnt get back to you sooner i had surgery this past saturday and i am recovering.Just had some gyno issues fixed no big thing,,,
peace all
marybethorama's Avatar marybethorama 04:03 PM 09-16-2005
Originally Posted by hippiemom2
I didn't want to come off as preachy just trying to offer advice for a predicament that many of us face. Another thing that I found to help especially when I couldn't get out of the house was to do a research project. I am a perpetual student and love to learn so I would assign myself "homework" :LOL

I do that too. I've been following up on my pre-kid academic interests. I did find it necessary to get out of the house eventually though (just because of the area I'm working in)
Luckily for me my dh was able to take over while I went to the library.

When I'm home I do a lot of decorating, crafting, and of course, reading and computer time. Someday I may take up gardening and try to grow something besides weeds. If the weeds are any indication, I have a green thumb.
hippiemom2's Avatar hippiemom2 05:44 PM 09-16-2005
I recently did a research project on different types of homes that can be built for cheap and easy to do oneself. I came across a great website wth many cool links. If anyone is interested it is www.ecoaxis.net. It has a great set of links that are organized well about the alternative housing structures.

I had to get out of the house by myself at least once a day. I still feel the need when I am not working to be out of the house a little bit each day by myself. I need time to be me and not just someone's mom. I usually take a nice long walk. It helps me put things in a perspective that made it easier to handle and helps me to walk out the stress and frustration that comes along with the territory.

I can tell that I am not as patient when I don't get to have some time to myself. I try not to be but it just happens. I am only a human being with my own set of limitations.

I feel much empathy towards those mamas who are already extremely shy. I am not shy (obviously) and tend to be an extrovert. Even with my boisterous habits it is still difficult to find people who we feel safe enough with to let into our inner compounds and to truly be part of our lives. I have lived all over the country and there is only a handful of people that I have kept in contact with over the years. I have known hundreds and called them "friends" but really they were just mere acquaintances who filled a specific purpose or common space. It is much more difficult with children. I have moved to an area with family around for the first time since my son was born. It has been a bit weird having family around. I thought I wouldn't battle loneliness here but even with the addition of family the loneliness still comes around every once and awhile.

Good luck to all the mamas, may the goddess bless you with some companionship to make your motherhood journey a little bit less lonely.


frowningfrog's Avatar frowningfrog 11:56 PM 09-16-2005
thank you Shelbi for your kind words and advice..its not to often i find that in people...

its unfortunate for me that i have social phobias but am trying my best to come out of it..its not fair to my children for me to bottle up in my home.

To the group:
I offered before for anyone that would like to meet up to walk or sit in the park...
just wanted to let you know that I will be trying to start that the week after next week, as i just had surgery and cannot do anything till after next week if i am up to it....
sooooooooo..........if you think you live near me or would like to try to gather just let me know ..i will be meeting my aunt to walk with the kids in Wakefeild Mass. at the big lake they have ...she has a almost 4 mo old and my youngest that wil be with me is 1 (well 14 mo to be exact)
hope someone can come...

peace all
Pookietooth's Avatar Pookietooth 06:43 AM 09-17-2005
Sigh, so little time, so much to say. It's the middle of the night and I should be sleeping. Anyone read the recent article in Mothering by the mama who takes her kids hiking every morning from 9 am til noon? My though was, besides having no time left to shop for food or do laundry, how about having friendships, both for herself and her kids? I know I haven't managed to make any friends going to playgrounds and organized classes, but at least I am around other adults! Maybe she has friends from pre-parenthood who she can talk to in the evening or something. Silly me, always comparing myself to others.
Sustainer's Avatar Sustainer 11:55 AM 09-17-2005
I loved that article! It sounded like a great way to be happy and healthy. It would make you more efficient for the rest of the day, and you could socialize in the evening (and you'd be in a better mood for it too!). I am totally planning to follow that mama's example as soon as I move to the country (hopefully next summer).
frowningfrog's Avatar frowningfrog 11:25 PM 09-20-2005
where are all you mamas?
Feeling lonely here. I havent left my house in a week due to recovering from surgery, and i feel like im gonna burst..
well hope to hear from someone in here soon..
hope all are well

noorjahan's Avatar noorjahan 11:33 PM 09-20-2005

sweetpeasmom's Avatar sweetpeasmom 11:34 AM 09-21-2005
I'm here. Just been busy. Baby has been getting into everything! I wish I lived closer to Wakefield but I don't. I also get out to library, playgrounds and such it's just the moms just don't quite jive with me. I like my AP playgroup but we are all so spread out, it's hard to meet up regulary. It's seems as this area just isn't too crunchy. I get the stares whenever I wear Megan :LOL I mean I can talk w/the "mainstream" type moms but I just know that I could never really be friends with them, kwim? I actually told one that I wasn't afraid of the chicken pox and the look she gave me, oiy!
noorjahan's Avatar noorjahan 11:07 PM 09-21-2005

frowningfrog's Avatar frowningfrog 11:56 PM 09-21-2005
I had to have a D & C done , also i have abnormal cell growth that could turn into cancer so i had that peice removed (just a wee one), and just some poking round by my doc to be sure that there is nothing else questionable in there. I had a serious complication after birthing Aimee my 1 yr old and havent been right gynocologically since.

I am doing well. Feeling much better now. I am still not allowed to pick up the baby for a few more days. its killing me that I cant pick her up, I usually hold her a lot. But we are getting along well.

I havent any clue as to why anyone is afraid of the chicken pox....seriously they are a little extreme on this subject..hehe!!!
I had the chic pox all my bros had them as well we are fine and my 9 yr old daughter had them when she was 4 and shes fine ...my gosh. people need to stop worrying so much about little things ...
I laugh at women who think im nuts for worrying about it ...haha!!...they say arent you worried about the affects of the chic pox later in life ..I say no Im more worried about the vax for them hurting my child then the pox....then ya get the eye roll....hehehe!!!

well talk to ya all later

take care ...and be safe if your in the area threatened by this new hurricane...
MomBirthmomStepmom's Avatar MomBirthmomStepmom 05:37 PM 09-22-2005
Hello ladies!!

I was wondering if maybe any of us would like to exchange emails or something... It's nice getting an e-card here and there, and just a thoughful note as well, to know someone's thinking of you... PM anyone, or email if you'd like to write

Nothing terribly new in my neck of the woods. This past weekend we went on a small family vacation to Laughlin Nevada. It was beautiful!! The drive through the desert, although long and sometimes boring, was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life... I could've stared at those mountains forever....

Laughlin itself was nice too. Our hotel was right on the Colorado River, and just breath-taking. We did some gambling (lost some, won some... Ended up with more 'fun money' in the end though, so it was worth it )

SO's entire family was there. He's got a sister 6 months older than me, and a bunch of cousins around my age (SO is 8 years my senior). He keeps saying I should hang out with them, but I'm always so scared to... Honestly, just afraid of something happening, and losing yet another family in my life (estranged from my own, and divorced the ex-h... how many more can I lose? )

So, we spent some time with them, and I've really grown closer to his one sister. I love all of his sisters, but I feel much closer to the one my age now... I can't explain it, but I'm really hoping to try to build a friendship with her... Working on it...

frowningfrog, I hope you're doing better!!

I believe I'm on the verge of a cold Oh well! I'll survive...hehe
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