Mom's without Mom's part 5 - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 298 Old 05-07-2008, 09:16 PM
 
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First, congrats on the pregnancy, papschmitty. I hope it is a peaceful one for you.

OK, I seldom post on here, but I am compelled to do so tonight. I'm having all of those horrible feelings that resurface whenever mother's day is approaching. Last year was my first as a mom, and it was mostly a good one. I don't know if I was just excited about my first mother's day or what, but it wasn't so hard last year. But this one's killing me. I don't know why this is so hard for me to admit but I am F---ING pissed that my mom died. It has been almost 12 years and I am surprised to find myself feeling so angry again (still?). I want so badly to make sense of losing her. I don't know that I can ever get over how unfair it feels.

Mother's day is a cruel reminder in so many ways. I find myself reflecting on the ways I mother my own DD and how could memories of my own mom not be part of that? And I'm reminded of how much time has passed, how much of my life my mom has not been a part of. It's too much sometimes. And don't even get me started on having to wish my MIL a happy mother's day. That is completely painful for me. I mean, it's seriously, seriously difficult.

Anyway, I'm rambling w/ no real point. I know that I'm not the only one that hates this time of year. to all of you that are also struggling.
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#92 of 298 Old 05-07-2008, 09:23 PM
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Back for the annual Mother's Day blues... last year (or the year before?) I emailed the lyrics to Eric Clapton's "Motherless Children" to my sister on Mother's Day.

This Mother's Day, my dad and his new wife are coming out to visit Rain and me in Kansas... they arrive Saturday and leave Monday. The timing is not so great... New Wife is also a mother, and we (my sibs, Rain, and I) are not all that fond of her. My dad hasn't come to visit me since I moved here, though, over 3 years ago. My dad has left his mother, who is 95 and in assisted living in Arizona, all alone for Mother's Day... unless my sister goes to visit, which she might. My brother is in Iraq.

My mom died in December of 2001, so maybe I should be over it... but I'm not. I keep thinking that this would all not be happening... my dad wouldn't have drifted away from his kids (and my bro and sis miss him), my grandma wouldn't be alone, my daughter would have a grandma... it just sucks.

I told Rain I didn't want anything for Mother's Day.

Dar

 
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#93 of 298 Old 05-07-2008, 09:25 PM
 
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Oh earthgirl, many hugs to you! I think I posted a long time ago here.
My mom died 8 years ago. It is unfair. I was just thinking the other day, that though I try my best, have a good life and love my family, that there will always be this underlying sadness in me. My heart is broken. I'm in a weird place right now where I feel like I'm really drifting from her.. maybe to not feel the pain? I need to bring her brightness back into my life. I need to talk w/ her more, put up more photos of her and me, and tell more stories about her to my kids, and hear more stories from my grandmother and uncle and her friends about her. I just feel like she is now really slipping away, as my life moves on and I dont take the time I need to reflect on her.
Happy Mothers day to all the mamas and to OUR moms.

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#94 of 298 Old 05-07-2008, 09:29 PM
 
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Dar I hear what you are saying about the family drifting apart. That has happened to me too. She really was the glue in our family and now, we really barely keep in touch.


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#95 of 298 Old 05-07-2008, 10:15 PM
 
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This will be my first mothers day without my mama and i am nervous, but my sister reminded me of a very important thing yesterday.


Our mother lost her mother when she was only 13 years old and she grieved that loss her whole life. I think mothers day must have been the hardest day for her because she had a very hard time enjoying the appreciation we would try to bestow upon her, she was sad and grieved for her mother.

so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.

thats all

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
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#96 of 298 Old 05-07-2008, 10:42 PM
 
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so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.

thats all
Wow. Nicely put.

That's all.
For now. I reserve the right to change my mind as I have much on my mind. OK...I guess that wasn't all.

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#97 of 298 Old 05-07-2008, 11:05 PM
 
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This will be my first mothers day without my mama and i am nervous, but my sister reminded me of a very important thing yesterday.
<snip>
so from my "child" point of view I would like to remind all of us:

please mama's let your kids have their mothers day too, let them celebrate you.

thats all
This is my first without my mom too... and the thing that has been killer is seeing all the Mother's Day stuff in stores, the stupid Zales commerical, etc. It hurt so much more i think because, the last time my children saw my mom alive, was mother's day weekend last year when she spent the weekend with us. She was in the hospital 2 weeks later.

I'll try to keep that "let my kids have their mothers day" idea in my head... but i imagine it will be much like my 30th birthday was in March... no one will notice or care

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#98 of 298 Old 05-08-2008, 01:00 AM
 
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I am letting my kids have their mothers day, shoot, I need all the special admiration and attention I can get! I work hard at being a mom and I deserve it! And you all deserve it, too!

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#99 of 298 Old 05-08-2008, 07:37 AM
 
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Hey, sunanthem! I keep bumping onto you.

If you can't take the heat get out of the Kitchen.
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#100 of 298 Old 05-08-2008, 09:00 AM
 
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OK, ladies, I think I am ready for my perspective.

I've been through a lot of motherless Mother's Days now...this is the 15th. And I have been a mother for 15 years, too. The very first one we scattered her ashes in the Red River Gorge. It was a great hike and a beautiful day. And it was so new I hadn't realized the scope of the pain I was going to be going through. The next ones were hard. Really hard. I felt so cheated. And angry. And everything the rest of you feel or felt. And I have had some Mother's Days that were just plain awful. One in particular that I remember I had just had a miscarriage, the anniversary of my mom's death had just happened, I was sad and hormonal and confused, my husband and kids (2 at the time) did NOTHING for me. And I was VERY angry. I was really tired of it all and had little hope of ever being happy again.

But I have other Mother's Days that were beautiful and peaceful. At my old farm I started a tradition of planting something in the Mother's Day garden every year. It started out as a garden of plants I got from her garden. I feel very fortunate to have these (had, actually, I need to go back and dig some of them up and transplant them here).

I can't remember who said it now, but one of you were talking about finding the perfect gifts for your mother now when you couldn't before. There was a lot of that. Not so much now, but every now and then it happens. And when it happens again I think I am going to buy it for myself; I think this must be a gift from my mom, otherwise it would not evoke such an emotion. That sounds hoaky...I know. But why not? If it makes me think of the woman I cherished most in my life, and I would have bought if for her if she were alive, then I think that it must be something I am supposed to have. Yeah, I know. I'm a nut job.

At my mom's wake my dad's sister gave me a writing about the passing of 2 children's mother. I haven't read it for years now, but oddly, it made me feel kind of good. I believe I know where it is and I am going to post it on Mother's Day. I am not a religious person, and this is a bit...but I found it to be quite comforting.

Wishing you all peace, love and healing!
Paige

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#101 of 298 Old 05-08-2008, 10:01 AM
 
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Hey, sunanthem! I keep bumping onto you.
HI!

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#102 of 298 Old 05-08-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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I think Mother's Day is going to be a bust for me this year. DH has yet to ask me what I'd like for myself. The only thing he has done is volunteer us to host brunch on Saturday for his mom and sister, who is flying in as a surprise from out of state. He has yet to confirm where his sister is staying. I don't want her at my house given the emotional state I'll be in but of course, in classic DH fashion, he's just avoided the issue with her thus far. Sunday, my sister and I are going to spend the day at my dad's house. We know he's going to have a pretty hard time and he's all but asked for the company. It's a mixed bag for me. I want to be there for him but I really don't like him right now. He's still having is affair with the married woman. She's broken up with him at least 3 more times since I last posted but they always get back together. I alternate between feeling really sorry for him and being really angry/disappointed that he's doing this. Hopefully, Mother's Day will be a sorry day instead of an angry one.

I was filling out paperwork for the midwife the other day and the fact that I was going to have a baby without my mom hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been crying off and on almost every day since. Thanks pregnancy hormones! My mom was with me for almost my entire labor with DD. When I delivered, the room was filled with DH, my mom, sister, and my dad. My dad even cut the cord because DH was too grossed out by it! This time, I won't have my mom and I don't really want my dad anywhere near me. We did decide that if we have a girl, her middle name will be my sister's. DD's middle name was my mom's. It only seems fitting to have my next child honor the other most important woman in my life. Crud, I'm crying at work yet again...

Paige, I'm looking forward to reading the writing you plan to share.

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#103 of 298 Old 05-08-2008, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am so sorry that you are going through this papschmitty without your mom. I understand wanting to share your pregnancy with your mom. Are you and your dad still doing counseling?

I am not sure what mother's day is going to be like for us.
It has been a rough few days around here. I cried the morning of my daughter's first birthday last Friday. I miss my mom so much and she missed out on her birthday. She also missed out on the fact that my brother and dad went shopping for a baby girl and bought Maggie a dress. Something that they never done in the history of time. It still makes me giggle thinking about it. I know my mom is laughing in Heaven over it too. Just wish I could share the laugh with her.

This week has been rough. We are 99% sure Maggie has juvenile arthritis. Her blood work has come back to indicate it. She has been having a few health problems on top of her reflux. It makes me miss my mom even more. I do not have anyone to share what I am feeling etc. like I did with my mom.

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#104 of 298 Old 05-10-2008, 10:54 PM
 
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“The young mother set her foot on the path of life. “Is the way long?" she asked. And her guide said, “Yes, and the way is hard. And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning." But the young mother was happy and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children and gathered flowers for them along the way and bathed with them in the clear streams; and the sun shown on them and life was good, and the young mother cried, 'Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.'

Then night came, and storm, and the path was dark and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle and the children said, 'O mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come, and the mother said, 'This is better than the brightness of day, for I have taught my children courage.'

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary; but at all times she said to the children, 'A little patience and we are there.' So the children climbed and when they reached the top, they said, 'We could
not have done it without you, mother.' And the mother when she lay down that night, looked up at the stars and said, 'This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage, today I have given them strength.'

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth ~ clouds of war and hate and evil ~ and the children groped and stumbled and the mother said, 'Look up. Lift your eyes to the light.' And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them and brought them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said, 'This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God!'

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months' and the years, and the mother grew old, and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong and walked with courage. And when the way was rough they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And the mother said, ‘I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them.' And the children said, 'You will always walk with us, mother, even when you have gone through the gates.' And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her. And they said, 'We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living Presence.'"


Thinking of you all and wishing you love, hope, and healing.

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#105 of 298 Old 05-11-2008, 04:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wanted to say Happy Mother's Day. For me it is a bittersweet day.

Heidi
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#106 of 298 Old 05-11-2008, 07:56 PM
 
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Thankyou, MG! What a touching story.

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#107 of 298 Old 05-20-2008, 02:27 PM
 
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I dunno if I qualify here since my mom is still alive....

My mom has mental health issues, she always has, and refuses to get help. Basically 2 years ago, I told her I didnt want my kids going to her house anymore, because it is unhealthy (not just messy...we're talking dead rats in her bathtub, cat feces all over, maggots in her food...yeah). She flipped out on me, which resulted in me telling her how friggin abdnormal her house is and her whole outbursts (she acts like a kid half the time, having temper tantrums, getting mad out of the blue and then forgetting she ever did, etc) and that she really needed to get help. Since then, I've gotten one phone call yelling at me and thats the extent of her contact with me and my kids.

Its sad, but I never really felt like I had a mom, mostly I connected with other friends parents and would avoid my house as much as possible. I feel bad still though, but at the same time, my own life has improved so much since she stopped having contact with me. I never realised how much she was still dragging me down . Anyway, like I said, I dont know if I belong here but it still feels good talking about it!

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#108 of 298 Old 05-21-2008, 03:03 PM
 
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Anyway, like I said, I don't know if I belong here but it still feels good talking about it!
I don't know either ... but I am glad you did ... your mom sounds like she has pretty severe mental illness... has anybody every been able to get help for her? perhaps institutionalized?

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#109 of 298 Old 05-22-2008, 07:17 AM
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It´s been a long time since I posted, but just wanted to pop in and say hi.
Today is 2 years since my mom died and I miss her so much.


Lighting a candle for all moms today!
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#110 of 298 Old 05-22-2008, 07:39 AM
 
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It´s been a long time since I posted, but just wanted to pop in and say hi.
Today is 2 years since my mom died and I miss her so much.


Lighting a candle for all moms today!
I'll light one, too.


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#111 of 298 Old 05-22-2008, 11:56 AM
 
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#112 of 298 Old 05-22-2008, 12:03 PM
 
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I think I belong here too. I lost my mom when I was 11. (Breast Cancer) I've been struggling with this since Mother's Day, which, as someone said was bittersweet.

I think I'll lurk a bit.

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#113 of 298 Old 05-22-2008, 12:13 PM
 
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I think I belong here too. I lost my mom when I was 11. (Breast Cancer) I've been struggling with this since Mother's Day, which, as someone said was bittersweet.

I think I'll lurk a bit.
Lurk away. Talk whenever you like.


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#114 of 298 Old 06-01-2008, 12:47 PM
 
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I am almost a member of this "Club" and I do not want to be. I am caring for my mom in the last stages of cancer. It is awful. She can do less and less for herself everyday. We start hospice next week. I feel like I am going to die with her - or at least the me I have always known. I will never be the same person. It makes me so sad that I will have to live with the pain of missing her for the rest of my life. The only comfort I have is in our reunion in heaven someday.

Any ideas how to make her last months better? I feel like I should do something special. Instead we just sit and watch HGTV together and don't talk about the future. It is sad. She does not want to talk about what is happening.

Anyway, coming here helps me see that others have survived this even if it is painful. Thanks for the thread. I hope it is okay if i post once in a while. I don't want to be a painful reminder of the past for anyone so I won't invade often.

Thanks for listening...
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#115 of 298 Old 06-01-2008, 01:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Welcome to our sad little group.

I was in your shoes last year. My mom died of pancreatic cancer July 5th.

I am not sure if you really need to talk about what is happening as long as you know what her wishes are. I think just being with your mom is enough. I always made sure when I left my mom knew I loved her. We would talk about things going on in the world and our life not necessarily death. We watched a lot food network and we laughed. My mom did not want to die and she fought it hard. In the end she finally accepted it. It definitely has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, not only having my mom die but living without her. I still cry. I miss her so much. She was my rock. My comfort is I know she is watching over us from heaven.

BTW hospice rocks. They are a special kind of angel.

Heidi
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#116 of 298 Old 06-01-2008, 03:00 PM
 
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Yes, welcome.

Please do not hesitate to post, if we didn't want to talk about it, we wouldn't be here. If we can help you get through this just a teensy bit better, then that actually helps me and I am sure many of the others feel the same way.

If she doesn't want to talk about it, then she's just simply not ready. Maybe she never will be be. All you can do is what she wishes. I hope you have someone else to talk to...my husband was great when my mom was dying. Sadly, though it was only over the phone as I came home to be with mom. But you will need a support system and your mom probably won't want to be that person. I talked with my own mom a few times about dying, but generally when she was well enough to talk we talked about regular things...THAT made her happy. Like about the huge thunderstorm that was approaching, or my stupid aunt giving my 9 month old frosted cheerios or letting him eat the dog food. When we talked about what the future would be like without her it was hard on everyone.

Hospice does rock. I loved our nurse. She helped everyone so much. If I have one regret it is that I did not accept her help for myself. I was the strong one, or so everyone told me, so that is the role I played. That hurt me even years down the road, I suffered from severe depression, but I couldn't tell anyone because that would be disappointing. I didn't allow myself to grieve until it was too late.

I have many thoughts darting in and out of my head right now. If you want please feel free to pm me. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I won't lie, my mom dying was the hardest thing to have ever happened in my life thus far. Not many days have gone by in the 15 years since her passing that I have not thought about her. But now when I think of her, I think of the good stuff, not the bad. This will be hard, but you will survive it. Pain and all.

Paige

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#117 of 298 Old 06-01-2008, 03:37 PM
 
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Thanks for the support Paige. I know that this is my biggest challenge yet. My mom is my best friend and watching her slowing slip away is soo hard. I always thought she would just have a quick heart attack and die at home. Now she is living with me and I am caring for her - I am not a good caregiver and I hate it but I do it because I love her. I never want to be a caregiver again.

On a side note. Does anyone know what happens to medical debt after the person dies? My mom owes over $8000 to the oncologist office - we pay $100 a month currently. Most of it is stuff that was not covered before she got on Medicare at age 65. Now everything is covered 100%. She has no real asset except for her house that my sister lives in. Will we be responsible for this debt? I am afraid to ask at the oncology office.
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#118 of 298 Old 06-01-2008, 04:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by TexasSuz View Post
Thanks for the support Paige. I know that this is my biggest challenge yet. My mom is my best friend and watching her slowing slip away is soo hard. I always thought she would just have a quick heart attack and die at home. Now she is living with me and I am caring for her - I am not a good caregiver and I hate it but I do it because I love her. I never want to be a caregiver again.

On a side note. Does anyone know what happens to medical debt after the person dies? My mom owes over $8000 to the oncologist office - we pay $100 a month currently. Most of it is stuff that was not covered before she got on Medicare at age 65. Now everything is covered 100%. She has no real asset except for her house that my sister lives in. Will we be responsible for this debt? I am afraid to ask at the oncology office.
My mom signed her house over to my brother and I...otherwise she wouldn't have qualified for any medical benefits. When she died there was no one "responsible" to pay off the debt. There is no way we could have afforded her all her bills. I'd speak to a lawyer if I were you b/c they can take her house to pay the debt. I know it is an awful lot to think about, but if this is your sister's home and then she would have no where to go, this needs to be discussed. Mom sold us her house for $1.

Theoretically, yes, you will be responsible. You mother does need to get her affairs in order ASAP so that will be one less burden on you. Sending some : your way. Not an easy conversation to have.

Also...I am remembering writing a lot of letters after her passing to credit card companies, doctors, etc. letting them know that there was no money and that she had passed. Some of the companies we never heard from again...other kept sending us notices for a year or so, but in the long run we never did pay much off. Once they got a copy of the death certificate that pretty much did it. It was a huge headache. I just really hated that part and wanted all those idiots to leave me alone.

If you can't take the heat get out of the Kitchen.
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#119 of 298 Old 06-01-2008, 08:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by TexasSuz View Post
On a side note. Does anyone know what happens to medical debt after the person dies? My mom owes over $8000 to the oncologist office - we pay $100 a month currently. Most of it is stuff that was not covered before she got on Medicare at age 65. Now everything is covered 100%. She has no real asset except for her house that my sister lives in. Will we be responsible for this debt? I am afraid to ask at the oncology office.
Any assets your mother has to be applied to the bills she has.

The laws have really changed in the last 5 years or so. You cannot sell an asset below the value to avoid paying a debt. I am hoping your mom has a Will. That will make life a lot easier. Depending on the value of the house you might not even have to probate the estate.

Heidi
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#120 of 298 Old 06-02-2008, 09:57 AM
 
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Welcome TexasSuz. I'm so sorry for your family's suffering. I, too, was by my mom's side until the very end. It was SO hard; especially in the final days when she was no longer conscious but hadn't passed away yet. Those days felt like years. As time has passed, I am so grateful that I was there despite how hard it was. I wanted my mom to write a love letter to each of her grandchildren; they were everything to her. But the end came much quicker than any of us could have imagined so we never got the chance. That's my biggest regret. Knowing that my DD and future child never got to know their amazing grandma is even harder than me losing my mom. Please post any time, this is an amazing group of women!
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