Mom's without Mom's part 5 - Page 9 - Mothering Forums
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Finding Your Tribe > Mom's without Mom's part 5
wendyland's Avatar wendyland 02:45 PM 07-04-2009
Hi! Today is the 1 year anniversary of my mom's death. It feels weird. I don't really feel more sad today than I did a week ago. But, everyone keeps saying that they'll be thinking about me today. It's nice of them to say, but she's just as dead today as she has been all year. I guess today just doesn't feel different to me.

In a way, it feels like it just happened. At the same time, it feels like it's been SO LONG since I've seen her. It's a weird feeling. I try to picture everything about her so that I don't forget. I think that's my biggest worry. I (hopefully) have so many years without her. I can't imagine being 60 and thinking that it's been 30 years since I've seen my mom. It makes me so sad.

I have had some great lucid dreams where I think she visited me. I had one last week, the night before I was to go to see psychic medium John Edward. She was sitting at a table & I was asking her questions about being dead. I asked if she could talk to me in my dreams then why didn't she do it more often. She said that she really wanted to but just couldn't & she couldn't tell me why. I also asked if she could read my mind of if I had to speak out loud what I had to say to her. So, I thought of something *dirty* because she would think that was funny & she started laughing.

So, I didn't get a reading with the medium, but I was ok with it. It was still amazing to watch. The people that got readings needed it more than I did.

I hope all of you are doing well!

trinity6232000's Avatar trinity6232000 03:04 PM 07-04-2009
Wendy I relate to your post so much. Down to wanting to go visit with John Edward, and not getting a reading. I actually have thought this to myself. I feel my Mother is great peace, so I'm a great peace with my Mom's passing. I am slightly jealous of your dreams. I felt my Mother quite heavy the day she was burried.
My brother is ALWAYS late to everything. We joke that you have to lie to him and tell him to show up an hour early and then maybe he'll be on time. The morning of my Mom's funeral, my brother busts into the house, and I'm sitting there calm. He's all hurried, and saying we're all late. All his clocks in his house, and also his car clock turned a hour early, so he thought he was late. Later when he went to get in his car, the clock was correct, and same with all his house clocks.
I kept laughing and telling him it was Mom making sure he'd be on time. Then I said "Next we'll all be finding pennies". Not even a minute later I heard my dd in the other room say "Hey look, a penny". It sent shivers down my spine.
I wanted to be alone during the processinal from the church to the cemetary. In the car I hit the scan button. The radio station it hit first was playing a song my Mom liked. The next two were her favorite songs of all time (True Colors and Dancing Queen).

I never have felt my Mother again. I feel she is totally done with her earthly life, and has better things to do some where else. I miss her, but I'm not in pain. I know things worked out to be how they ought to be. When the first anniversary came around I thought about her a lot, but it was really another day. Now Mothers day is hard for me, I miss her a lot on that day. I want to celebrate with her.
wendyland's Avatar wendyland 11:32 PM 07-04-2009
Janna - That's cool that you saw John Edward, too. So, many of those weird coincidences happened in my family when she passed. I know we could have been looking for those things, but there were way too many for it to be coincidence to me.

I also feel mostly at peace with her passing. It was so sudden and she was only 45. That's what bothers me most. I guess she learned what she was here to learn. She did do a lot in 45 years. Her birthday was probably the saddest day for me this past year. She was really a birthday person.
LoBleusMama's Avatar LoBleusMama 12:53 AM 07-07-2009
Hi there, wow I am seeking some healing here...

I have a mother, but she and I do not talk. She has never been close with me my whole life, and for the time I did live with her she was abusive, and her husband was physically abusive. She literally would not tell me that she loved me and I remember trying to kiss her and hug her and she would always turn her head and push me away. I never had a mom to explain sex, love, periods, raising kids or anything. Sometimes it is really hard and I feel like a missed out a lot and it freaks me out that in some way I will neglect my children. I consider my dd such a blessing and an opportunity to have a mother and daughter bond that I never had. The only problem is that she is sooo close to my dh, she hardly even addresses me... Sometimes it breaks my heart, I feel disconnected from her sometimes, it's weird. (I never make her feel weird about it though or bring it up) I don't even have hardly any female friendships. It has been hard trying to heal and overcome the things that hurt so much to become a better mother and woman.

Ugh:: sorry I processed some heavy stuff here, I had to do it!
KJoslyn78's Avatar KJoslyn78 12:53 AM 07-07-2009
Today has been 2 years since my mom died... i always think its the 5th (which is the date on the termination of life support papers), but then realize it was after midnight when she officially passed.

she waan't the best mom, not even a mom really... but i miss her :cry:
Pookietooth's Avatar Pookietooth 05:22 PM 07-07-2009
to you LoBleusMama. It's a different sort of loss when you didn't get a mama who was a mama to you. My mom was not the greatest mom (she was emotionally distant and probably suffered from depression at the very least), and I grieved that loss before I lost her. It's similar in some ways, because it's just as permanent -- yet death is so much more easy to understand in its finality. Unless of course you have those experiences of beyond the grave communication as some folks do.
The 13th anniversary of my mom's death passed recently, and while I did think about her, I wouldn't say it was more than most days (although I did dream of her more often in the days leading up to it).
ee_lime's Avatar ee_lime 04:27 AM 10-22-2009
I can't sleep- missing my mom tonight
Mommy2Austin's Avatar Mommy2Austin 11:53 AM 10-22-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by ee_lime View Post
I can't sleep- missing my mom tonight
*hugs* I keep going through that. I haven't had my anxiety meds for a few days while waiting on a new prescription and I managed to have a panic attack at work. I don't know when or if I'll ever get over this... I feel like pregnancy makes it magnified. I'm worried about whats gonna happen to me during labor.
Pookietooth's Avatar Pookietooth 06:05 PM 10-22-2009
to you. I have been dreaming about my mom a lot lately and missing her. Being pregnant always does that to me. I hope you both feel better soon.
Mommabean's Avatar Mommabean 08:33 PM 10-23-2009
Hello all!
I was around in a tribe like this one about 2 years ago, but I wasn't online much for awhile after my surgery.

My momma has been gone 7 years now, this time of year is hardest, she passed in Sept 2 weeks before my 22nd birthday from metastasized breast cancer. My son was born the following year on Oct 1st. So bittersweet times.

To top it all off this year in September we found out we are expecting a surprise baby. So again I am having some mom issues. It is the hardest because you can't just pick up the phone and scream Mom I'm having a baby. Nope I had to get excited for the MIL and dh's family instead.


So HUGS to us all. and
ee_lime's Avatar ee_lime 01:04 AM 10-24-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mommabean View Post
Hello all!
I was around in a tribe like this one about 2 years ago, but I wasn't online much for awhile after my surgery.

My momma has been gone 7 years now, this time of year is hardest, she passed in Sept 2 weeks before my 22nd birthday from metastasized breast cancer. My son was born the following year on Oct 1st. So bittersweet times.

To top it all off this year in September we found out we are expecting a surprise baby. So again I am having some mom issues. It is the hardest because you can't just pick up the phone and scream Mom I'm having a baby. Nope I had to get excited for the MIL and dh's family
I can relate- I wish more than anything that I could share my kids, her grandkids with her, that she could have held them just once before she passed away
hugs to all of you
Pookietooth's Avatar Pookietooth 05:34 PM 10-24-2009
Yes, Emilee, I sure wish my mom could have met ds, and could meet the new baby due any day now. It's hard especially when you see other kids with their grandmothers. All babies deserve to be spoiled by grandma and it sucks when they can't. to you all.
stayinghome's Avatar stayinghome 10:31 PM 10-24-2009
My Mom died June 2nd of this year, from colon cancer that had metastasized. Today was my middle daughter's bday, and my oldest dd's, first homecoming. Every first without my mom hurts so much. I had some pictures framed for her memorial service, and just got the guts to hang them up for the party we had today. Felt like i should do it for some reason. But the pics make me sad when i walk by them. but it's important to have them up, right?

Every day, every event, every everything, is so hard.
ee_lime's Avatar ee_lime 02:49 AM 10-25-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeatherE View Post
My Mom died June 2nd of this year, from colon cancer that had metastasized. Today was my middle daughter's bday, and my oldest dd's, first homecoming. Every first without my mom hurts so much. I had some pictures framed for her memorial service, and just got the guts to hang them up for the party we had today. Felt like i should do it for some reason. But the pics make me sad when i walk by them. but it's important to have them up, right?

Every day, every event, every everything, is so hard.
I lost my mom 6 years ago, when I was 18, after the first year you really do start to have more good days than bad. I think in the first year I had to get a good cry in once a week- now maybe two or three times a year I have a little cry while fallilng asleep at night.
The first year I had very clear dreams of my mom, unfortunatly[sp?] most of them were not good dreams, I broke my heart to dream of my mom in such a negative way- I never ever felt the way about her as I did in my dreams.
wendyland's Avatar wendyland 02:44 PM 11-11-2009
I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this. My mom passed a year ago July. I'm tired of feeling so much pain about it. I want to be able to remember my mom and think about her without feeling my chest tighten and feeling how unfair it seems. I want remembering her to feel happy. It's almost like I make myself pain or otherwise it means that I don't care enough. Does this makes sense to anyone?
ee_lime's Avatar ee_lime 12:55 AM 11-13-2009
Wendyland- I still feel short of breath, six years later, everytime I think of my mom. So, no advice from me, but I agree that it would be nice to feel good when remembering her. And that sounds bad because there was nothing bad about it- but the loss overwhelms the happy thoughts
sosurreal09's Avatar sosurreal09 12:47 AM 11-20-2009
i wanna join this tribe i lost my mom when i was 15 yo due to suicide. im 22 now and have a 8 week old DD.
sosurreal09's Avatar sosurreal09 12:58 AM 11-20-2009
im at almost 7 years since my mom died and it is just as painful as ever. my whole pregnancy i was miserable b/c i needed my mom and now that i have my daughter i cry all the time. i think about my mom so much. i know how badly she would want to be in my DD life and it breaks my heart that shes not here to help me and to love her. my mom used to always sing you are my sunshine to me so i tell my daughter when the sun rises its babcha (grandma in polish) saying good morning and when it sets shes saying good nite. i really want to incorporate my mother into her life even though she will never meet her. its so hard to deal with loosing a mother especially at a young age. i remember in high school the school nurse who was in her 60s mother died and i told her i was sorry and i know how she felt and she proceeded to tell me i had no idea how she felt because she loved her mother longer than i did and she had more memories. needles to say i was ripshit lol i told her to f off but neways i think its harder to not have had enough time with your mother. all the memories and years we were jipped out of. my mother never got to see my prom dress or me graduating. she wont be at my wedding and she wasnt at my daughters birthing. it can make you feel empty inside like you are really loosing something constantly. everyday my mother is out of my life i miss her more and long for the days when i could just hear her voice. id like to say it gets easier but for me it never did... i still cry whenever i think of her or hear certain songs. sometimes i will cry when im so happy and realize she can not share that with me...
sosurreal09's Avatar sosurreal09 01:04 AM 11-20-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by ee_lime View Post
I lost my mom 6 years ago, when I was 18, after the first year you really do start to have more good days than bad. I think in the first year I had to get a good cry in once a week- now maybe two or three times a year I have a little cry while fallilng asleep at night.
The first year I had very clear dreams of my mom, unfortunatly[sp?] most of them were not good dreams, I broke my heart to dream of my mom in such a negative way- I never ever felt the way about her as I did in my dreams.
i had horrible nightmares about my mom for the first few years after she died. she had committed suicide and i found her...still alive. she died in my arms when i was only 15. she had overdosed and she looked very scary, she spewed blood all over me during a seizure. its very hard to forget. but i felt very badly as well having such negative scary visions of my mother. i would wake up screaming and scared - your not supposed to be afraid of your mother. i dont have them anymore thank god i hope yours have faded as well. just remember she wouldnt want you to remember her like that. or imagine her however you were.
sosurreal09's Avatar sosurreal09 01:14 AM 11-20-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by LoBleusMama View Post
Hi there, wow I am seeking some healing here...

I have a mother, but she and I do not talk. She has never been close with me my whole life, and for the time I did live with her she was abusive, and her husband was physically abusive. She literally would not tell me that she loved me and I remember trying to kiss her and hug her and she would always turn her head and push me away. I never had a mom to explain sex, love, periods, raising kids or anything. Sometimes it is really hard and I feel like a missed out a lot and it freaks me out that in some way I will neglect my children. I consider my dd such a blessing and an opportunity to have a mother and daughter bond that I never had. The only problem is that she is sooo close to my dh, she hardly even addresses me... Sometimes it breaks my heart, I feel disconnected from her sometimes, it's weird. (I never make her feel weird about it though or bring it up) I don't even have hardly any female friendships. It has been hard trying to heal and overcome the things that hurt so much to become a better mother and woman.

Ugh:: sorry I processed some heavy stuff here, I had to do it!
my father physically abused me my whole childhood after my mom died he gave me up to the state and threw me in a foster home. it really screwed me up...anyways when i was pregnant my sister (who was 18 when mom died so she didnt have to be given up tot the state she was just sent out on her own) convinced me to call him and tell him i was pregnant. we have been healing our relationship...its not perfect and i still can not except a lot of things and its hard to forgive someone who has broken your jaw and nose several times and beaten you with weight belts everyday for years on end...but not having any type of relationship hurt too. but idk if its different b/c my father was like 2 different people one side was kind and funny and the other side was a monster, but maybe it would help to try to talk to your mom...sometimes the constant rejection screws us up more than we think and need to have some sort of acceptance... good luck and remember girls are usually daddys girls lol your dd loves you and you love her dont worry about youre relationship as long as you are a good mom you will be fine.
KJoslyn78's Avatar KJoslyn78 01:30 AM 11-20-2009
I never saw this the first time - we both posted at the same time that night

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoBleusMama View Post
Hi there, wow I am seeking some healing here...

I have a mother, but she and I do not talk. She has never been close with me my whole life, and for the time I did live with her she was abusive, and her husband was physically abusive. She literally would not tell me that she loved me and I remember trying to kiss her and hug her and she would always turn her head and push me away. I never had a mom to explain sex, love, periods, raising kids or anything. Sometimes it is really hard and I feel like a missed out a lot and it freaks me out that in some way I will neglect my children. I consider my dd such a blessing and an opportunity to have a mother and daughter bond that I never had. The only problem is that she is sooo close to my dh, she hardly even addresses me... Sometimes it breaks my heart, I feel disconnected from her sometimes, it's weird. (I never make her feel weird about it though or bring it up) I don't even have hardly any female friendships. It has been hard trying to heal and overcome the things that hurt so much to become a better mother and woman.

Ugh:: sorry I processed some heavy stuff here, I had to do it!
I could have written this post. My dad won custody of my brothers and I when i was 9... after fighting the courts for 3 years. As a young child, all i remember about my mom was her shuttling us form baby sitter to baby sitter, and that she had many a boyfriends, and would drink, a LOT. She always tried to "re-establish" that close mother-daughter relationship once i hit my teen years, but by then it was too late - i had so much distrust in her and her lies and her addictions, etc - i always kept her at arms length so not to be re-hurt when she would screw things up yet again. By contrast - my father and i were very, very close and it was his death (he died 4 years before she did) that rocked me to my core. I very much feel like i lost her years, decades, before her physical death. I have a LOT of guilt from our relationship and her death. And i do worry about how that has made and effected me as a mother to my own children, i only hope i that i can do better then the example she set for me.

i am so sorry - i hope you are able to find some peace
marimara's Avatar marimara 11:23 AM 11-20-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by anielasmommy09 View Post
i wanna join this tribe i lost my mom when i was 15 yo due to suicide. im 22 now and have a 8 week old DD.
Hi there, I'm not active much on this thread but I wanted to tell you I also lost my mom to suicide almost 3 years ago. I started a Suicide Survivors Thread here as well. You might find some solace there too.


ETA: I don't know wtf is going on every time I cut and paste it's messed up. so in the GRIEF and LOSS subforum is a thread titled Suicide Survivors.

try this OK I just checked it and it works, so idk what the heck is going before. I tried it and checked it 3 times and then came back and it was still going to some other link.
sosurreal09's Avatar sosurreal09 11:33 AM 11-20-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by marimara View Post
Hi there, I'm not active much on this thread but I wanted to tell you I also lost my mom to suicide almost 3 years ago. I started a Suicide Survivors Thread here as well. You might find some solace there too.
thanks marimara but the link seems to lead to some acne promotion...
marimara's Avatar marimara 12:37 PM 11-20-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by anielasmommy09 View Post
thanks marimara but the link seems to lead to some acne promotion...
sorry, I don't know how that happened, I fixed the link.
ee_lime's Avatar ee_lime 08:46 PM 11-20-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by anielasmommy09 View Post
thanks marimara but the link seems to lead to some acne promotion...
Same for me
marimara's Avatar marimara 10:23 PM 11-20-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by ee_lime View Post
Same for me
I think its fixed now. Click on Try this in my original post. something is up either with my computer or with MDC. Anyhoo, it's under the grief and loss forum called Suicide Survivors.
Mommabean's Avatar Mommabean 11:08 PM 11-29-2009
Here comes Christmas...


*sigh*
Pookietooth's Avatar Pookietooth 01:35 AM 12-01-2009
everyone; the holidays can be rough. I dreamed about my mom again last night.
sarahsmiles's Avatar sarahsmiles 02:35 PM 12-29-2009
Hey everyone. I haven't been keeping up with this tribe, but had a revelation last night I thought y'all could relate to.

My mom was frugal. Penny pinching frugal. I really struggled with this growing up, but I do now respect that she made a little money go very far. I didn't get "nice" clothes, we didn't eat out, I had to reuse paper bags for lunches, etc. I thought I had made my peace with all this until the other day when DD (3) discovered the box of Batman band-aids and wanted to open all the them. At once!

I was really irritated. She wasn't making a mess--she was putting the wrappers in the trash. I realized I just had some instinctual "don't waste the band-aids" response. Like we were "saving" them for something. Now luckily a $2 box of band-aids is not going to break us, and it kept her busy so I could do a few other things, and brought her so much happiness.

I just wish Mom hadn't always been saving *things* for something, and that we had occasionally been able to splurge on a wacky treat, or do something goofy just for fun even if it made a mess. I remember eating stale cookies because they were rationed, and jars of fancy lotion that separated because we weren't allowed to use them on a daily basis.

I guess if she were alive right now I'd probably be criticizing her, and that's not what I mean. I just mean I wish the great memories I have of her weren't clouded by this sadness, that somehow we missed out on the chance to have more fun together and be happier sometimes.
wendyland's Avatar wendyland 02:45 PM 12-29-2009
Thanks for your message, Beth. I used to be frugal with bandaids. Now, I let them have one anytime they want. Your message was a good reminder to me to let go and have fun more.

I also don't remember having much fun with my mom. She'd color with my sometimes. That's about it. I was an only child and she treated me mostly like an adult.
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