Is there a tribe for people who tend to alienate others? - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 144 Old 06-11-2010, 12:39 AM
 
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I'm surprised to see a thread full of people like this. I too live a life in exile for one reason or another. My husband is pretty much the same except he is still able to be slightly more social than I am. I've been burned a lot so it kind of killed my ability to have an exuberant spirit when we are around others. It doesn't matter whether I am outgoing or silent because either way people are usually put off. I am just me and 97% of the time that isn't good enough.

"I like...I like me"

I have a lot more I could share, but I'm nakin'. Anyone want to IM? My IM list has been a ghost town these days what with facebook and all. *sigh*

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#122 of 144 Old 06-21-2010, 03:21 AM
 
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Too bad this isn't the "thread killer" thread. I'd be a winner! : D

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#123 of 144 Old 06-21-2010, 03:58 AM
 
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Ah, so I'm a rare gem! :

Did anyone else exhibit libran tendencies toward that personality test. There were only four or five clear cut answers for me. The rest I wanted to answer with "it depends" and a short dissertation or I wanted to click somewhere on a spectrum line. For instance, a party where everyone is chit-chatting on inane topics makes me insane, whereas I have no trouble giving a long lecture to a crowd and fielding questions.

Dh and I took our kids to a friend of our dd's birthday party Saturday. It was so painful. We are able to fit in well enough, but it's so frustrating that no one has anything real to talk about. Do people just generally seem empty to gyou?
I took the test and felt the same exact way. Many of the answers really depended on more information. So I just did it best I could and got INFP. First time I got that one I think. I have done the big test before, think I have a book somewhere.
This is my tribe. I have been out west for 8.5 years now and I have no IRL friends. I speak to exdh and my children and my old friends in NC on the phone and FB some of them. It is ridiculous. Back home I had male friends (the ones I mentioned that i still call) at least, and they would come over and hang out to play backgammon and watch movies and discuss philosophy. I am so happy now dd1 is old enough to play board games with me. I crave to hang out with other people, yet in the same breath, I don't see the point. I have met a few people over the years and i think I just overwhelm them. After not having anyone to talk to for this many years, I start spouting off rapid fire TMI about myself I think. I have made MDC my home because I feel I may be understood here at least.
I haven't read the whole thread, but an early poster mentioned Sheldon on the Big Bang Theory- YES I get him and have tendencies that are similar. The other one was Third Rock From the Sun. I really saw myself in those characters too. That was pre- children though, not sure it would apply now. But just how other humans are. I just do not get it. I may be judgmental too though I try hard not to be. But it seems to me that most people are really thinking about such inconsequential things. But we are all here for some reason so maybe it is to pick the best wallpaper/ paint combo in this lifetime. I don't feel like typing. I made a concerted effort to put in paragraph breaks as i have been told my posts are too confusing without them. I write in stream of consciousness I have been told, but maybe it is hard to read. I hope to actually read all the posts, and i will try so hard not to hit quote reply me too to all of them....
We could try to do a matchmaking from this. To match up us misfits to agree to be friends or acquaintances no matter what, for the result of having our children socialize and a person to call in an emergency. But in all likelihood, we are too spread out geographically. I am in Spokane WA. Anyone near me that feels this way, pm me or something.

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#124 of 144 Old 06-21-2010, 11:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by expecting-joy View Post
Do people just generally seem empty to gyou?
yes. it is rare to find someone who actually wants to have a quality conversation. most just seem content to quietly zone out in front of the tube...even if the point of the get-together was to visit with each other.

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#125 of 144 Old 06-27-2010, 07:47 AM
 
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yes. it is rare to find someone who actually wants to have a quality conversation. most just seem content to quietly zone out in front of the tube...even if the point of the get-together was to visit with each other.
oh oh oh, so happy to have found this thread!!! YAY!!!
I too, am heartily sick of people who "visit" and have the TV on... what the HECK is up with that??? It's soooo disconcerting, to say the least! I can't imagine! IF our tv is on when someone drops by, I immediately turn it off, just naturally... I mean, how can you have a conversation with the blasted thing ON?

I have probs finding non-empty people to share, converse and LIVE with. I truly do not CARE what the season's fashion is. I mean, I enjoy window shopping occasionally, granted, now, I mostly do that via the computer, much much easier, but I do not LIVE for the season's newest shoes found on sale at the mall. I just DONT CARE. And apparently that makes me really weird around here.
I do care about books, really truly good tv programming, living self-sufficiently, growing things, making things, creating things.
I've tried explaining my aversion to some people by describing people thusly...
Some people are shallow puddles. You can see all the way to the bottom of them in a glance or two. That's all there is. The puddle is just so deep and that's the end. Some people are deep wells and you could spend a lifetime plumbing the depths of them and never tire of the adventure and discovery. THESE are the kinds of people I long to meet more of.
I think there are many different depths, of course... some deeper puddles, some more shallow wells... and of course, I believe all of them have their worth, as fellow human beings. I just have trouble connecting to the shallow puddles.....
Do I sound like a jerk? I certainly don't mean to be... it's just how I see people sometimes.....
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#126 of 144 Old 06-27-2010, 09:02 AM
 
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I can relate. I don't have many friends... I have a few people that I see about once a month, but it's more for the chit chat. They don't really know the real me. I guess I'm just too different to most. I am a deep thinker. I love music, mainly classical and tend to revel in that. I know most people don't like Bach etc`...
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#127 of 144 Old 06-29-2010, 02:18 PM
 
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I'm so glad to see this thread

I too have better/more friendships with men. I think it's because they don't analyze everything I say too much!

I too am highly intellegent - I'm a writer - and often don't want to engage with others, because as a pp said, they seem empty.

Let's keep this thread going

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#128 of 144 Old 07-03-2010, 11:03 PM
 
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Me! Me! Me! Can I join?...

...I long for the day I meet another mom who doesn't assume my knowledge on any subject isn't a judgment against their choices.
Me, me, me!

Cape Cod, MA here; anyone near me that feels this way PLEASE pm me or something.
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#129 of 144 Old 07-04-2010, 06:31 PM
 
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I long for the day I meet another mom who doesn't assume my knowledge on any subject isn't a judgment against their choices
..quote..

Thanks for putting words to this! I've never been able to understand the automatic jump to assume that because I share what I know that it's a judgement on how someone else did something or chose something. It's frustrating to say the least!

I think TV has a large part in why so many people today only seem to think in soundbites and short phrases. I see a lot of really poor spellers and grammatical nightmares too, and I think it's because so many people don't read. I try really hard not to say anything when people make these mistakes. It doesn't reflect well on them, though, and I wonder why some don't try a little harder to spell things correctly. But saying anything doesn't engender warm fuzzy feelings obviously.

- Jen
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#130 of 144 Old 07-05-2010, 01:32 PM
 
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Well, I guess I must belong here. I've never been able to figure out why I feel so alone in this world surrounded by so many people, many of whom know and love me.

It's really strange to find so many people who seem to be so very much like me. I thought I was just a complete freak of nature! I'm finally growing beyond the tendency to feel bad about this. Even if most people can't understand me, I like me.

I took that personality test a few months back on facebook. Can't remember exactly what I got, IN somthing somthing. But I relate to the feeling of not being able to give completely truthful anwers because there weren't enough choices, or any opportunity to expand upon my answers.

I've lost so many potential friends because of my introvertedness. They just seem to expect much more of me than I can give them. I really need my alone time. And if I want companionship, I want to have a deep philosophical discussion, not a gossip fest.

It seems like there a many fellow writers here. That makes sense. It seems like so many of the most famous intellectuals have been considered eccentric in some way. It's just not at all common for people to be a deep thinkers. And because people tend to be afraid of what they don't understand, they have a tendency to either shy away from or ridicule those of us who are.

I have a question that hasn't been asked yet, how many here are into the kind of music that nobody else around them listens to? I'm always listening to something new and different, so I find it very difficult to have a good musical conversation with someone. I could really care less about the latest country pop group or R&B singer. I like music with complexity and depth from many different genres, and there are so few people who appreciate that.

It sounds from what I've said that I'm a completely anti-social hermit. But I'm not at all. I'm in a helping profession and I work with people every day. I care more deeply about them than they probabably realize. But I have to carve out lots of alone time because all that caring is exhausting. And though I care deeply about people, I only let a few of them get very close to me. I guess I'm a study in contradictions.
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#131 of 144 Old 07-06-2010, 06:57 PM
 
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this is so weird, finding all you folks. i never thought there were other americans out there like me. but you all have to be few and far between cause in my 11 years of living in the States, i had very few 'real' friends. but the ones i did have, i loved and still love dearly.

you all have to come join me in Europe! it's way more accepted to be this way. i'm in sweden, and while it's a bit rigid here, on the mainland it seems it's the norm to argue/debate with no one taking offense.

i visited Porugal recently (where my father is from) and was surprised at how direct people are there. i've spent my entire adult life (not that long, i'm only 32, but still) in the States, and so i'm still used to the general attitude there. one man, the boyfriend of the woman i rented a cottage from, bluntly asked me why on earth i would choose to homeschool my kid. and this was before he had even introduced himself, or said anything to me at all. i was a bit shy and overly polite when really i should have just thrown myself into a debate!

when i first came to america, i really hated it, i hated how people acted, like there was some code to crack. i hated that it wasn't ok just to say what you wanted, but you also had to have the 'correct' tone of voice, body language etc. i just got a book about swedish mentality (a little weird but informative) and i have the answer--sweden is a low-context culture, which means among other things, people say what they mean and rely less on communicative tools other than speech. when i came back and started interacting with swedish people again, especially outside of Stockholm, it was with a huge sigh of relief.
i don't know how many people in the States that I have 'put off' for no apparent reason whatsoever. i've considered the possibility that i'm just too transparent for people's comfort level. i suppose that in a culture like in the US, interactions are shaped by the mixing of so many different attitudes, traditions, and even languages (with their own specific thought patterns/expressions). maybe in order to survive like that, people had to be more careful about what they said. either that, or there's a higher intake of flouride compared to Europe. i think it's the combination.

well, anyhow it sure was nice reading all these comments, i don't feel so lonely and weird anymore.

i was wondering if we all have similarities in our birth charts. i know my critical nature is very virgoan (virgo ascendant), and i think my bluntness is symbolized by my mercury in aires. logical thinking is very taurean (taurus sun). and then there are houses 8-12. 8th house especially, where one is compelled to dig deep under the surface of things.
if you don't know your chart you can get it for free at www.astro.com.
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#132 of 144 Old 07-06-2010, 09:49 PM
 
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That's so funny because I took a personality test that was supposed to determine which nationality you most resemble, and I got Swedish. I think I do have a lot of Scandinavian ancestors. Go figure.
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#133 of 144 Old 07-08-2010, 08:18 AM
 
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cool!
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#134 of 144 Old 07-10-2010, 11:16 PM
 
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My Mom and Sisters just asked me who I wanted to invite for my 40th birthday? There is NO ONE! I have zillions of acquaintances, but no one close enough to share my BIG B-day with.

I am a good person, high standards, and I expect people to put their best foot forward. No one is perfect and I accept that. Oh, and I am brutally honest. I guess that's it. Don't ask if you want me to lie.
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#135 of 144 Old 07-11-2010, 10:01 PM
 
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I have a question that hasn't been asked yet, how many here are into the kind of music that nobody else around them listens to? I'm always listening to something new and different, so I find it very difficult to have a good musical conversation with someone. I could really care less about the latest country pop group or R&B singer. I like music with complexity and depth from many different genres, and there are so few people who appreciate that.
YES. Most of what I listen to stems from indie circles. I love creative, unusual music - Danielson Famile, Flogging Molly. And also music with deep, intriguing lyrics - The Smiths, Joy Division. I could go on and on...seriously.


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Oh, and I am brutally honest. I guess that's it. Don't ask if you want me to lie.
Yes, this was me. I've toned it down in recent years because I was weary of being hated on, but lo and behold I am still hated.

I've decided that I am just going to be me.

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#136 of 144 Old 11-10-2010, 01:13 PM
 
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Hmm...I think I may have found my tribe.  I've just had a pretty awkward falling out with my two best friends and I'm realizing there's a bit of a pattern.  I have friends, but I only have a couple REALLY close friends who I talk about everything with, these two I just fell out with in particular.  I don't really care for confrontation, so I internalize a lot of things.  I made the mistake trying to tell one of my friends how I felt and that totally blew up and she took the other friend with her.  So...the pattern.  Because I internalize everything, out of fear of confrontation, it just builds up until I boil over.  Then when I FINALLY say something, it ends the friendship.  I don't know how to avoid that, though.  I can't just wake up one day NOT internalizing everything, right?  My husband doesn't think it's a huge deal and says that I'll just make new friends.  But I'm having a really hard time meeting like-minded women around here who have the same hobbies I do or are close enough in age to understand what I'm going through.  I think that would be a start to a friendship working out for me- having similar philosophies, especially as parents.  This bothers me to the point of depression, though.  I crave that social interaction with close friends.  It's nice to see, though, that I'm not the only one like this.

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#137 of 144 Old 12-25-2010, 08:27 PM
 
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Alien here :wave

 

I've come to realize that I just need to do what I want... that usually leads to long periods of isolation from others for no reason, just because I feel like it. OK, so maybe not "no reason" but def because I feel like it. LOL My emotions are complex and in the process of continually trying to navigate this human existance and wade through potential enlightenment, I find that it's better to not ignore those emotions. Often times they lead to feeling similarly to many of you here. Relationships seem empty, fall short of being intellectually/philisophically stimulating and sometimes become obligatory rather than blissfull.

 

(Breaking up those paragraphs!!!! LOL Me too, mama)

 

Sometimes it's not others - it's me. I can't force others to be where I happen to be at those times and therefore, if it doesn't fit - I just do what does. Often times I fall off the face of the earth without warning and pop back without warning. I'm ok with that these days but I realize that not everyone else in the world is. It's just how I tick. I love people, but I can't stand them. LOL and so... in the ultimate spirit of self realization, loving me, letting go of attachments and continually striving to be here now, I'm learning to love myself enough  to manifest the surroundings I need or want guiltlessly but not at the expense of others.

 

I could go on and on with the "me too's" in this thread. For most of my life I have been bewildered by my ability to attract so many people yet have it drive me crazy.Often times it has resulted in the burning of bridges or me running hard in the other direction at the drop of a pin but feeling soooooooo guilty because I just seem like a heartless unthinking jerk when I don't mean to. I  have also continued in many relationships void of substance, out of feeling like a terrible person for just being annoyed with personality incompatibility, interests that didn't match up or MY incapacity to act totally as myself for fear of offending. The whole, finding people who don't assume my knowledge on any subject is a judgment against their choices and having it ruin any chance for a sound and mutually beneficial friendship, thing.


  Determination - being my absolute self is imperitive in all situations. I'm trying to be as honest with ME as I can because that means I can be honest with you. Trying to view others in human form as my mirror, an opportunity for me to see different aspects of myself. There are some parts of 'me" that I'd rather spend less time with ;)

 

I can count my friends on 2 hands... and there's room left :wink Some days I feel great about this... others not so much. Ah, the duality of this life. I'm thankful for a DP who is right on the same page.


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#138 of 144 Old 12-30-2010, 08:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, it's so lovely to see this thread is still alive after 2 years of my first posting. 

 

I took a break from the boards for a while because this year I turned 40.  I visited my real father after 29 years - it was a great train journey my husband, daughters and I have had to go meet him in Colorado.

 

Anyway...this is the year I have been working on some personal growth and threw myself into a lot of my writing and photography.  I have had two significant internet pen-pals this year, but managed to alienate one of them...since we were both writers/creative types and I was getting irritated with some differences of opinion regarding the work I was asked to edit.  It wasn't that the concept was bad, but the writing was confusing and parts were left out.  Apparently my going over it with a fine tooth comb ruffled his feathers too much.  So I decided to take a three month hiatus from replying to his last email.  When I finally explained my position, I never heard from him again.  At least I feel like my conscious is clear.

 

The other pen-pal I had embarked on a literary journey with me.  We read about 10 or so books together, watched movies and talked about them, analyzed episodes of House, together.

I actually was so moved by some of the dialogue I wrote a post on it.

 

http://thesprightlywriter.wordpress.com/2010/12/30/i-see-myself-in-the-episodes-of-house/

 

As far as real life friendships go...I have seldom left my house to socialize with people, though I spent a LOT of time at Borders writing when the girls are in school, and at Potbelly having lunch and watching an older guy playing the blues.  I wrote about him too.

 

I have enjoyed reading the letters of famous writers and artists.  So far, I read a few of Jack Keroauc's letters and Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet.  I also came across an article about Mark Twain in the books issue of Newsweek magazine while I waited for a therapy appointment.  For a while, the therapist was the only 'socialization' I did outside my husband and daughters.  I miss my sessions. 

 

For fun...I've been reading Anais Nin and DH Lawrence, two literary "erotic" writers and tonight, I've been reading a biography on Anais. 

 

Interesting stuff...and I don't just mean about the controversial content...but in understanding the traumatized girl in her behind the controversy...and what made her what she was. 

 

And DH Lawrence...he was not just writing books worthy of being banned, but also provided an interesting and rather harsh social commentary of 'modern industrial society'.  If anyone was interested in reading a online free book of Lady Chatterley's Lover they can find it on Project Gutenberg Australia.  It's totally tame by today's standards, but it was a banned book in England, and Penguin books was taken to trial before it was ruled that it had literary merit. 

 

http://gutenberg.net.au/  (it's right on the front page as one of their most popular ebooks).

 

It doesn't bother me so much that I have alienated people in real life anymore.  I have my writing and my reading.  I just am really wishing that I could find a literary circle to join - either for writing or literature discussion.  Maybe I ought to go back and take a class or two at my old university.  I long to have literary friends to meet up with and chat with about literature.

 

My plans are to blog more about the books I loved reading with my friend.

 

Like Hermann Hesse's Demian

 

"People like you and me are quite lonely, really, but we still have each other, we have the secret satisfaction of being different, of rebelling, of desiring the unusual."

 

"My heart swelled ecstatically at this opportunity to luxuriate in the release of a long pent-up need for talk and communication. When he called me a damned clever bastard, the world ran like sweet wine in my soul. The world glowed in new colors, thoughts gushed out of a hundred audacious springs. The fire of enthusiasm flared up within me."

 

"Just then I found a strange refuge – “by chance”, as they say – though I believe there is no such thing. If you need something desperately and find it, this is not an accident; your own craving and compulsion led you to it."

 

 

 


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#139 of 144 Old 01-09-2011, 02:29 PM
 
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I'm just a jerk.  No excuses.  I guess that's why I'm on this thread instead of hanging out with a playgroup or even talking on the phone with a friend! 

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#140 of 144 Old 01-12-2011, 05:58 PM
 
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Oh wow, i totally belong here.  I'm out of contact with all my old friends from school (unless you count facebook) and i've only made one new friend in the last decade (mostly because our kids got along well)--and she just moved away.  So yeah, it's just me and my husband and kids.  I get along well with my parents, but that's about all.  I can't even keep internet friends LOL in fact, i just got kicked out of a community (gaming group) yesterday because my 'play style was different' from theirs.  That's code for 'you stir things up and we can't cope.'

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#141 of 144 Old 01-21-2011, 03:29 PM
 
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This is me too. Not many will say it to my face, but apparently I'm a B$&*h because I say what I think, have a quick wit, excellent memory, and halfway decent vocabulary, and because I don't really care to hear people gripe about things they could change. My DH, thankfully, says that he loves me because I'm a B$&*h, since that is the sign of a strong woman. Knew there was a reason I married that man!

I took that personality quiz posted earlier and got INTP, which might explain some of my quirks.

I can't seem to keep friends either. Biggest issue, or so I've been told, is that I don't need them. Since I'm unlikely to call on a random Tuesday evening to process the distressing fact that my pasta was over cooked, or some other frivolous issue of modern living, than I'm not a "true friend". I'm happy to listen to your woes for hours, but unlikely to call with mine. Apparently to most people, esp. women, this means we are not friends. The fact that I don't believe talking about my woes helps me is irrelevant to most people. If I am dealing with a major issue, than my response is to find a quiet space to sit, process, research, plan, and act. I do not reach for a phone and a list of people to call.

It is sad because I enjoy people, and I would like to have more friends. But I am not going to pretend to be something I'm not in order to keep them. Sigh.

CD'ing, homebirthing, milk making school teacher. Supporting my family on my income and trying to get out of debt in 2013!
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#142 of 144 Old 01-21-2011, 10:53 PM
 
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I could go on and on with the "me too's" in this thread. For most of my life I have been bewildered by my ability to attract so many people yet have it drive me crazy.Often times it has resulted in the burning of bridges or me running hard in the other direction at the drop of a pin but feeling soooooooo guilty because I just seem like a heartless unthinking jerk when I don't mean to. I  have also continued in many relationships void of substance, out of feeling like a terrible person for just being annoyed with personality incompatibility, interests that didn't match up or MY incapacity to act totally as myself for fear of offending. The whole, finding people who don't assume my knowledge on any subject is a judgment against their choices and having it ruin any chance for a sound and mutually beneficial friendship, thing.


oh wow. these words are really perfect for the way i'm feeling, especially right now. i've pushed away pretty much all of my friends at this point because we're just not compatible. the closest friends i have have all up and moved across the country or across the world. i have a telephone phobia so we can only really keep in touch through facebook and chatting sometimes. the people i have left here, i've just outgrown.

 

i feel really lonely, and i want so badly to have friends but i'm just completely done with having friends for the sake of having friends. i want to be around people who inspire me, encourage me, support me, and open up my mind to possibilities i never would have considered. i just don't want to have to wade through the bad to get to the good.


photosmile2.gifcavale treehugger.gif*wannabe radical doula*
*plotting with sammodifiedartist.gif until we have our own little ones*
planning to TTC in May '11 (just in time for my birthday!)
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#143 of 144 Old 01-24-2011, 08:22 PM
 
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I have a phone phobia too--i wonder if that's common among 'people like us' haha.  I hate making smalltalk and being on the phone is like...making smalltalk but you can't make excuses to get away without it sounding like an excuse to get away!

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#144 of 144 Old 01-26-2011, 12:41 PM
 
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I love being alone. Except this alone with baby thing is driving me crazy because I don`t have time to be creative which is my oulet, my way of "talking". I am a writer as well. Pre-new baby I was an Educational Assistant, but DH thinks I should stay home at the end of maternity leave. I`m better at writing than talking this my preference for online forums.


I was off to save the world, but I got distracted by something shiny.
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