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#1 of 45 Old 09-14-2011, 08:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I may be moving to Vegas in 3 weeks! I am 55 and I live with my son, pregnant DIL, and 3 year old grandson. My DIL was just offered a promotion and she could go from working full time outside the home to woking mostly at home and only having to work a few hours that she gets to choose outside the home. She will also get a big pay raise. We currently live in Tucson.

 

I don't think the climate is way different than Tucson so that won't be a big deal. We will be looking for a 2 bedroom non-smolking apartment or great deal house to rent. We all really have health problems with smoking. We would like a birth center birth.

 

For those who live in Vegas do you like it? Hate it? What are the good things? The bad?


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#2 of 45 Old 09-14-2011, 11:14 AM
 
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Wow what an exciting adventure.

If DiL is workIng from home aren't you going to need more space? She will need anquiet place to work away from the kids, pets, and other household members.

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#3 of 45 Old 09-14-2011, 11:45 AM
 
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In many communities, a landlord will not be legally allowed to rent a 2-bedroom apartment to a family of 3 adults and 2 children.   Or if it's legally allowed, the lease will disallow it.    

 

ALso, as the PP said, where will your DIL do her work from home?   To have a formal telecommuting agreement, my employer requires you provide evidence of childcare for any children and a separate workspace away from the childcare area.


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#4 of 45 Old 09-14-2011, 04:34 PM
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I hate to over-shadow your new adventure, but will you be re-homing your dog?  His history of nipping your grandson could so easily lead to disaster as the pressures of the move and the new sibling crowd in on your grandson in a new, small space. 

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#5 of 45 Old 09-14-2011, 05:53 PM
 
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How does your DIL feel about this?  And I agree that 5 people in a 2 bedroom apartment with one person working from home is not going to work.


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#6 of 45 Old 09-14-2011, 11:25 PM
 
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Did they invite you to come along or are you just assuming? This might be a good time to have a frank discussion about who's going to be living where. If they're looking for a 2-bedroom house, when they will have 2 parents and 2 kids in their family, it sounds like they're not planning on you joining them.

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#7 of 45 Old 09-15-2011, 11:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was asking about Vegas not our living situation.

 

I am from Indiana where it is unusual for multigenerational families to live together especially in apartments. In Arizona where we live now with it's high number of families of Mexican heritage it is very common. Before I moved in with my son and his family I called CPS to make sure there were no rules about the number of people in a househould. They were surprised someone actually asked and when I told me that I was asking about only 3 adults in an apartment (how silly of me, they thought I was calling about 10 adults or something) they said there was no problem. I called Nevada CPS and they said they had no rules about the number of adults living in an apartment. I do not anticipate any problems finding an apartment.

 

We looked at at least 20 apartment complexes in Tucson trying to find the perfect one (layout, flooring, washer & dryer in unit, ect) and not one had a problem with with 3 adults and a child in a 2 bedroom. My son's bedroom is huge and there is room for their queen bed and a twin bed my grandson uses when the family bed gets too crowded. There would be room for the Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper if we were staying here. Their room is much like a hotel room with a sink in the room and a bathroom. It is about the size of a hotel room. I have a room almost as large with my own bathroom and a walk-in closet. We will be looking for a large, nice apartment not a small apartment with 8 x 8 bedrooms and one bathroom.

 

They need me more than I need them. If I don't go they can't do it. I will be taking care of the children most of the time. They won't leave their children with anyone other than me. My grandson has a rare genetic disease and shouldn't be around other kids. He is sick almost all the time. She would rather work. With our bad genetic luck the baby will probably have the same disease. My DIL has been gone for days at a time, she is gone this week. She may leave in a week and go stay in a hotel in Vegas, not see her toddler son for 2 weeks, and I quess leave moving up to me and my son. My son works unusual hours and is sometimes gone overnight. They may both gone on the same night. She has done the job that she will be doing when they have needed her and all she needs is her laptop and she props herself up in bed. She doesn't need room for her job.

 

I said a two bedroom apartment because three bedroom apartments are hard to find, we want it to be non-smoking and we have other things about an apartment that are important to us. Three bedroom apartments are hard to find and the bedrooms are usually smaller and they have bad layouts.  I said a great deal house not a two bedroom house.

 

The year my grandson was an infant we had recently to Tucson and all three of my adult sons, my DIL, and I lived together. Five adults and a very fussy baby (eczema related to a genetic disease) lived in a 3 bedroom house and it worked great. One son worked days and and one nights at the hospital (RN and phlebotomist) and we only had 2 cars. There were five adults to hold the fussy baby. We only moved because our house sitting time was up. We are used to living together when it makes economic or practical sense. I went through grad school (masters and doctoral) living in a tiny family housing two bedroom apartment (700 square feet), I had 3 sons and we homeschooled. They would only give the 3 bedroom family housing apartments to couples with 4 or more children. I am in luxury with my own bedroom and bathroom.

 

I'm not an idiot. I'm have a lot of life experience. Why do people say things like 3 adults can't rent a two bedroom apartment or that 5 people can't get along in a 2 bedroom apartment?

 

 If someone asked about info about places I have lived I could give them them all kinds of info about housing, schools, activities for kids, doctors, restraunts, parks, ect. That is what I was looking for about Vegas.


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#8 of 45 Old 09-15-2011, 11:54 AM
 
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Crowding rules are municipal code, not a CPS issue. Municipalities may set a maximum number of people per room o a minimum square footage rule to prevent overcrowding and slum conditions.

I have had multiple landlords with a 2 person per bedroom clause in the lease--including my current one.

DD 01/2007, DS 09/2011

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#9 of 45 Old 09-15-2011, 12:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans View Post

I was asking about Vegas not our living situation.

 

I am from Indiana where it is unusual for multigenerational families to live together especially in apartments. In Arizona where we live now with it's high number of families of Mexican heritage it is very common. Before I moved in with my son and his family I called CPS to make sure there were no rules about the number of people in a househould. They were surprised someone actually asked and when I told me that I was asking about only 3 adults in an apartment (how silly of me, they thought I was calling about 10 adults or something) they said there was no problem. I called Nevada CPS and they said they had no rules about the number of adults living in an apartment. I do not anticipate any problems finding an apartment.

 

 

I lived in Indiana for 15 years and never heard of anyone doing it so I don't think it's as common as you think.

 

Zoning laws = different from CPS rules.  I'd check into that.  And that still doesn't address the fact that you DIL is going to be working from home with no separate work space.

 


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#10 of 45 Old 09-15-2011, 12:58 PM
 
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I don't know much about Vegas, but it might help others if you provided a little more information about housing requirements. Budget, for example, would help weed out overly pricey areas and avoid more undesirable, but cheaper, areas. What is your DIL looking for in a birth centre? What about health insurance? Is it an issue when it comes to choosing a birthing centre/midwife/OB? And how about your son? Will he be looking for RN work when he arrives and therefore is proximity to a major hospital important? How about proximity to doctors? Do your grandchildren need to be near a medical facility? 

 

I have lived in Central America, so I get what you are talking about with how much square footage you need. It is indeed *possible* to fit many people into a small space. Even so, I can completely understand people's reaction to 3 adults, 2 children (who presumably can't get out and play much due to health issues) and a dog in a 800 - 1000 sq ft apartment (which is about average, IME, for a 2 bedroom). Then add into the mix that one of the adults is going to be doing her work from home and will need a decent space in which to deliver quality work. I don't know what your DIL does, but it's hard to focus in a small space when people are moving about, playing, preparing food, etc. Just me personally, I don't think I could work day after day propped up in bed with a laptop on my knees. Just from a healthy back/ergonomic standpoint, it doesn't sound tenable in the long term. Maybe she's made of tougher stuff than me though...what does she say about this? 

 

Anyway, sorry I can't help more with the Vegas details, but maybe if you were very specific about what you were looking for, some Vegas residents could help?

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#11 of 45 Old 09-15-2011, 01:00 PM
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I recently moved out of AZ where multi-generational living situations are more common.  Usually, economic necessity is the driver, rather than cultural preference - there's a bit of a bias towards having an abuela living at home, but not much enthusiasm for having, for example, grandparents, parents, and adult children with spouses and children of their own in a single dwelling (and, as others have noted, you can do it if you own, but it violates zoning laws and housing codes for rentals in many areas).  Or having parents and in-laws who resent each other in the same space.  

 

Foreverinbluejeans, from your posts it's quite evident that you and your DIL don't get along very well.  It sounds like some additional space might help ease the tension, not to mention saving your family the need for a second, expensive move when the baby outgrows the co-sleeper (and there is no guarantee that the master bedroom in the new space will be generous enough for a queen bed, a co-sleeper, and a twin bed).  You also need to carve out some safe space for your dog - animals that have difficulty with toddlers usually also have difficulty with infants when they start to grab.  Vegas looks to be a little more expensive than Tucson, but Craigslist shows a number of three and four bedroom apartments and some houses for rent in the area in a fairly typical price range for the southwest.  You note that they need you more than you need them.  If the family dynamics are getting too intense you might consider renting a studio or a one-bedroom for yourself - Vegas has a lot of availability.  

 

WIth your DIL working mostly from home, working in bed will not work - in the long term it causes horrible back problems.  But, it sounds like with her reduced travel schedule, you will also get a chance to take a break from childcare.  Getting yourself out of the house for some R&R might help ease your resentment towards your DIL.  Its obvious from your posts that the tension really bothers you.  

 

A few years ago, I heard that it could be very difficult to find OB care in Nevada.  When I google, I see a couple birth centers in Vegas, mostly associated with hospitals, but one or two appear to be freestanding.  I'm sure that your DIL will take time on her upcoming trip to Vegas to look for the care she wants, since she will be in town.   

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#12 of 45 Old 09-15-2011, 02:59 PM
 
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When I was in an apartment in Missouri, our across the hall neighbors were a couple, his mother, and their baby.  


When their second baby was born, I saw a note from the management on their door regarding them now being in violation of both local codes and the lease.

 

This is why I mentioned it -- you might find the landlord suddenly objecting when they realize a baby has been born, and making your DIL have to move shortly after having given birth sounds like it wouldn't be fun at all.


savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).

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#13 of 45 Old 09-16-2011, 12:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I read the code and called and asked code people and 5 people (even adults) can live in a 2 bedroom apartment in Las Vegas. I called an apartment complex and they said 5 people is no problems. I don't know what is wrong with people on Mothering. I got a pm telling me to go to another site where they were "totally making fun of me" because I need to let my children get a life. Mothering is supposed to be a place where all forms of families should feel safe posting.

 

I just wanted info and support about Vegas. I know it's not just me because I have seen other posters have problems with people ganging up on them and getting off topic or trying to make the poster feel bad.  


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#14 of 45 Old 09-16-2011, 01:19 PM
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Why would you put 5 people in a 2 bedroom apartment if at least 3 of them are severely immuno-compromised? Also, if your grandson, your child and yourself have "boy in the bubble"  (which is actually called SCID),disease, like you stated here:

 

 

Quote (Click to show)

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Today at 12:32 pm
Mothering is supposed to be supportive of all families. I looked at your profile and you are new to Mothering and perhaps this is not the right environment for you. Read the guidelines.

I don't know anything about this other site and I am not signing up to it to see people totally making fun of me. I have seen other women being attacked on Mothering lately so I know I am not the only one being singled out. How is it in the interest of fairness to tell someone that they are being totally made fun of on another site. I guess I am not letting my son live his own life because I live with him and DIL to take care of my grandson because both of their jobs require overnight travel. 

I don't know what your problem is. They want me to live with them, need me to live with them. I did mention that my grandson has special needs. What I didn't reveal is that he only has a little over a 50% chance of survival. Since all three of my sons had the same disease and they all have survived my son believes I am the best bet for his son surviving. We are the only family in the country with a mother and all children having the disease. My grandson was diagnosed with the disease at around 12 months. 

I hope you have fun making fun of a family with a child with a life threatening disease that could die at any time. He could get an infection and die in a matter of hours. We will spend a lot of time in ERs and hospitals. My son has horrible memories of raging infecions, pneumonia, cellulitis, ear infections, IVs, waiting in the childrens hospital for hours several times a week, ERs, blood tests, asthma treatments, inpatient stays, my inpatient stays, my IVs every 3 weeks and other treatments, his brothers inpatient stays, weight checks 3 times a week at the peds office, horrible diarrhea all the time, dirhhea that would run down his legs and fill his shoes, never being well, not being able to be around other kids, not being able to go to school, not being able to go to the movies, not being able to go anywhere where there are people, shopping at 5 am or 11 pm when stores are empty, not knowing if you mother is going to die. This was my son's life. Treatment is a little better now and we want to make my grandson's life as easy and fun as possible.

I hope you have fun making fun of a family with 3 generations of people having the "boy in the bubble" disease.

 

 

 why would you be asking about restaurant and park recommendations? The only treatments for SCID are bone marrow transplants from an unaffected family member, gene therapy, or, you know, bubbles. 

 

Which one did you and your three kids have?

 

Also, if your daughter in law is expecting another child at risk for SCID, she should probably labor in a hospital with a NICU. 

 

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#15 of 45 Old 09-16-2011, 01:54 PM
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I remembered that you, your son, and your grandson all had immune difficulties, but when you stated that a dog bite would not be a serious issue to your grandson I assumed they were not severe.

 

ForeverinBlueJeans, I respect that in your day-to-day life, you are a kind, caring, well-intentioned human being.  On this board, your statements about your DIL have often bordered on cruel.  Despite this, you seem to have a high degree of investment/involvement in your DIL's most personal affairs - for example, at the beginning of this thread, you state that "We would like a birth center birth."  I think that, with due respect to everyone's best intentions, the combination of a statement of mutual preference about your DIL's birth care, with later statements in which you denigrate her parenting and her need for work and personal space, may be triggering some posters' latent feelings about difficult relationships in their own lives.  I know that when I first read this thread, my reaction was to feel defensive on your DIL's behalf, because I fear that my MIL feels free to interfere in what I consider my most private matters and may not respect me much as a parent.  

 

It was my hope when I posted earlier that this thread might offer some suggestions that could help you steer your relationship with your DIL to a more comfortable place while you navigate the transition from Tucson to Las Vegas.  I know that's not what you were looking for, but it's what I wished for you.  I'm sorry the tone here has taken a negative turn.  

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#16 of 45 Old 09-16-2011, 03:08 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stik View Post

I remembered that you, your son, and your grandson all had immune difficulties, but when you stated that a dog bite would not be a serious issue to your grandson I assumed they were not severe.

 

ForeverinBlueJeans, I respect that in your day-to-day life, you are a kind, caring, well-intentioned human being.  On this board, your statements about your DIL have often bordered on cruel.  Despite this, you seem to have a high degree of investment/involvement in your DIL's most personal affairs - for example, at the beginning of this thread, you state that "We would like a birth center birth."  I think that, with due respect to everyone's best intentions, the combination of a statement of mutual preference about your DIL's birth care, with later statements in which you denigrate her parenting and her need for work and personal space, may be triggering some posters' latent feelings about difficult relationships in their own lives.  I know that when I first read this thread, my reaction was to feel defensive on your DIL's behalf, because I fear that my MIL feels free to interfere in what I consider my most private matters and may not respect me much as a parent.  

 

Yes, totally agree with all this. FIBJ, please don't feel ganged up upon, because seriously what I've seen in this thread is mostly questions; not indictments against you. You kwim? If your grandson has such a serious immune disease, do you think it would be safe to have you all live in such small quarters, with dogs who have been known to bite kids? This is the kind of thing people are wondering about. I assure you that if anyone posted these same circumstances, the responses would be similar. Questions, that's all.

 

Also, aside from the health issues and zoning laws, etc....have you or your son and DiL considered looking for a 3- bedroom apt that would suit your needs? You'd all be so much more comfortable! And maybe they are few and far between, but it wouldn't hurt to just look, you know? In any case, I wish you all good luck.
 

 


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#17 of 45 Old 09-16-2011, 03:24 PM
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Quote:
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Also, aside from the health issues and zoning laws, etc....have you or your son and DiL considered looking for a 3- bedroom apt that would suit your needs? You'd all be so much more comfortable! And maybe they are few and far between, but it wouldn't hurt to just look, you know? 
 

 


And I did look!  Craigslist Las Vegas lists a bunch of three bedroom apartments and houses!  I don't know what's affordable for FIBJ's family or what specific amenities they may need, but there is quite a bit of 3-4 bedroom availability out there in various forms.  

 

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#18 of 45 Old 09-18-2011, 11:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I called and talked to the municipal code people and they said 5 people can live in a 2 bedroom apartments. There are 2 bedrooom apartments and houses that are more then 1000 sq ft and 3 bedroom apartments and houses that are less than 1000 sq ft. If we get a 2 bedroom apartment it won't be forever.

 

Our dogs have never bit anyone, I don't know where any one got that idea. Kids exposed to two dogs at a very young age are less likely to become allergic. 

 

Three of us have immune deficiencies, I'm the worst. We have been living with it for over 20 years and I don't think size of apartment or house has ever had any impact. Things like air quality, floor coverings, type of heat, AC, ect. are important. If there isn't much storage we rent a storage unit, better than a 3rd bedroom!

 

 


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#19 of 45 Old 09-18-2011, 03:46 PM
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Quote:
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Our dogs have never bit anyone, I don't know where any one got that idea. Kids exposed to two dogs at a very young age are less likely to become allergic. 

 



I got that idea from the Kids and Dogs thread where you said your chihuahua had repeatedly nipped your grandson, and implied that the worst possible consequence of your dog biting the child would be a scar.  Specifically, you stated:

 

Quote:

 have been able to teach the dog and my grandson that a growl means stop. The dog has nipped a couple of times when my grandson knew he deserved it. We all know if my grandson gets bit it is because my grandson was tormenting the dog. The dog only weights 3 pounds and his teeth aren't very sharp. We can't rehome my grandson (just kidding). We hope for the best and if he gets bit by the itty bitty Chihuahua - boys like scars.  

 

IMO, nipping and biting are really the same behavior - teeth close on skin, skin can break, infections can spread from the dog's mouth to ANY child, but especially to one who is immune-compromised.  

 

I am absolutely in agreement that using bedrooms for storage space is a bad idea.  From the sounds of things, it sounds like the tension between the five people involved, the arrival of an additional person into the family, one family member's need for work-at-home space, and the dog's behavior issues all warrant a third bedroom.   Or, honestly, a fourth.  In case your DIL and your son ever want some privacy.  It sounds like your DIL's need for privacy is fairly intense - like I said before, I feel defensive on her behalf.  If I was sharing a two-bedroom apartment with my dh, my young child, and my MIL (plus nippy dog) I might find myself needing to travel a lot too.  My mental state would be dramatically worse if I not only lived in such a small space with all those people, but I worked from home.  I would feel like I never got a break.  That two week "vacation" in Vegas?  Is cheap compared to the therapy my kids would need if they were exposed to me after 3 weeks in those conditions.  It might be nice if your DIL could have some private space at home.  She could recharge herself locally and then be much more available to her dh and children.  You mentioned that you have consulted a couple agencies about occupancy limits in rentals in Las Vegas.  Have you consulted your son and DIL about their preferences? 

 

It sounds like the two-bedroom apartment situation you have now has been great for you.  According to your description, you have a huge bedroom and a bathroom all to yourself.  On the other hand, it sounds like your DIL is doing everything she can to flee the situation short of actually moving out.  Since her income is absolutely vital to your family (it sounds like she is the only one of you who works full-time on a regular basis, and thus is probably the source of not only a significant chunk of family income, but also of group health insurance for your medically fragile son and grandchildren), it makes sense to try to consider her comfort in choosing an apartment. 

 

More than occupancy limits, I think this is the issue that is causing so many posters to ask if two bedrooms is really a good idea.  

 

As I pointed out before, Vegas has some three and four bedroom rentals available.  

 

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#20 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 11:34 AM
 
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**shock and awe**

children never deserve to get "bit" by animals. If a dog cannot control his temper around a child, the dog doesnt need to be in a home with children.

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Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

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#21 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 01:26 PM
 
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Quote:

It sounds like the two-bedroom apartment situation you have now has been great for you.  According to your description, you have a huge bedroom and a bathroom all to yourself.  On the other hand, it sounds like your DIL is doing everything she can to flee the situation short of actually moving out. 

 

Your DIL should be recommended for Sainthood. Patron Saint of DIL's Suffering Under Oppressive MIL's.

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#22 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 01:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a different definition of nip. I mean biting motion at the air nowhere near the skin (coulld be feet away from anyone). A dog could nip at the air in joy as he is playing with a toy. Our dog only does it when he is poked at repeatedly and his low growls have been ignored repeatedly. The dog is not a problem, he is not a nippy dog (if you mean a little dog that bites people). He is a very friendly dog that likes every one. Getting bit can be either the animal or the child's fault or both and child can be taught how to behave around an animal to make the animal happy and minimize the risk of getting bit. I was kidding about boys liking scars (but it is true).

 

What would you do if you were repeatedly poked , you said stop and the person didn't stop. You weren't allowed to move. You would esculate your behavior. You might try being scary (growl more, nip at the air). It is good that dogs show behaviors that let you know to stop rather than going to just  biting behavior. Kids can learn that a growl and esculating growls with nips in the air means you are doing something the dog doesn't like and get back.

 

I have been a foster for several different rescue organizations and have had as many as 5 dogs in our home when my 3 kids were young and we lived in 2 bedroom apartments or houses. The rescue organizations never had a problem with it.  They liked our family because I was good with socializing dogs with kids.

 

You don't need to feel sorry for my DIL She gets anything and everything she wants. She chooses to work. She decided to get pregnant. She decided to work after she has the baby. She didn't tell me I was going to have to take care of a newborn when they talked me into coming to live with them. She decided we are moving from Tucson to Vegas. She picked the 2 bedroom apartment we are living in now. She will pick where we live in Vegas. She makes ALL decisions. She decides at the last minute what will be done on holidays. She doesn't tell anyone her plans, you have to be available to do what she wants when she wants. She never shows gratitude or says thank you to anyone. My son makes no decisions yet is responsible for everything. She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes. My son is so discouraged and worn out. He works full time as a phlebotomist for the Red Cross. He works irregular hours, travels all over AZ, and is sometimes gone overnight.Usually I am invisible when she is around. I do what she asks even if it is unreasonable.

 

The only thing they have to do for me is make sure one of them has Tuesday off every once every 3 weeks so one of them can drive me to the infusion center to get my gamma globulin IVs for immune deficiencies and pick me up 8 hours later. I've been going to this infusion center 4 years and my nurses are my friends. I'm usually the only patient because of my risk of infection. We order out for lunch and have a good time. I'm not supposed to drive and someone has to take care of my grandson while I am at the infusion center. I usually feel bad tin the evening and for a couple of days - headache and flu-like symptoms but I can function.

 

What I bring to our family is vital - free child care, a car, and my disability income. They only have one car. Babycenter says the average for home day care is $650 a month. I take care of my grandson at least 60 hours a week so even if you didn't add extra for overtime that would be $925 plus my disability would be $1699 and they use my Jeep, they would have to buy another car if I wasn't here. That's $20,000 a year and a free car!

 


: Grandmother , 3 Adult Sons

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#23 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 02:06 PM
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You are a narcissist. Get help. 

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#24 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 02:11 PM
 
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Please try to understand that your last post is so incredibly offensive to so many women that there is no way you are going to get any positive responses after that. I think you need to move on with your life and stop dwelling on the decisions your DIL is making. Get a hobby that doesnt include her.

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#25 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 04:19 PM
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Quote:

I have a different definition of nip. I mean biting motion at the air nowhere near the skin (coulld be feet away from anyone). A dog could nip at the air in joy as he is playing with a toy. Our dog only does it when he is poked at repeatedly and his low growls have been ignored repeatedly. The dog is not a problem, he is not a nippy dog (if you mean a little dog that bites people). He is a very friendly dog that likes every one. Getting bit can be either the animal or the child's fault or both and child can be taught how to behave around an animal to make the animal happy and minimize the risk of getting bit. I was kidding about boys liking scars (but it is true).

 

What would you do if you were repeatedly poked , you said stop and the person didn't stop. You weren't allowed to move. You would esculate your behavior. You might try being scary (growl more, nip at the air). It is good that dogs show behaviors that let you know to stop rather than going to just  biting behavior. Kids can learn that a growl and esculating growls with nips in the air means you are doing something the dog doesn't like and get back.

 

 

Or, you could step in when the child is tormenting the dog to remove one or both of them from the situation, thus eliminating a great deal of the risk of injury.  Kids CAN learn to correctly interpret the dog's cues, but I wouldn't trust them to work it out at age three.  

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans View Post
 

 

You don't need to feel sorry for my DIL She gets anything and everything she wants. She chooses to work. I choose to work too.  Partly because I like my job and think my work makes an important contribution to improving the world, but also because I like eating and putting a roof over my kids' heads.  Like your son, my dh has chronic medical issues that interfere with his work.  If we're going to be guaranteed an income (and the accompanying groceries and shelter, and medical care for his health concerns and for my kids' allergies and asthma), I have to work.  My choice.  And I'm happy with my choice.  You know what I'm not happy with?  People who assert that because people like me make choices like mine we've got it made and are living out perfect privileged lives.  In mean, yay!  I have an income!  But seriously, what would my family do without it?  I choose to work and I love it and in this economy I'm lucky to have it, but what other choice do I, or any other woman in my situation, have?  Hmm?  Stay home until we get evicted and starve?  She decided to get pregnant. All by herself?  She decided to work after she has the baby. She didn't tell me I was going to have to take care of a newborn when they talked me into coming to live with them. Well then, don't.  She decided we are moving from Tucson to Vegas. For her work, which sustains her family economically and which will pay more in the new location.  I really can't see this as a selfish decision.  She picked the 2 bedroom apartment we are living in now. She will pick where we live in Vegas. You have no idea how much of a relief this is.  She makes ALL decisions. She decides at the last minute what will be done on holidays. I do the same thing - it's hard to plan in advance when you're busy all the time.  She doesn't tell anyone her plans, you have to be available to do what she wants when she wants. No you don't.  You're a free agent.  You can do what you want.  Maybe you could change this habit in your thinking - the dog doesn't have to sit there and be tormented and neither do you.  She never shows gratitude or says thank you to anyone. She sounds super-stressed.  I'm sorry her social skills are suffering.  My son makes no decisions yet is responsible for everything. She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes. And nurse babies, and work from home to earn a salary that supports her family.  My son is so discouraged and worn out. Maybe the tight quarters are getting to him too.  Maybe the move will give him a break.  He works full time as a phlebotomist for the Red Cross. He works irregular hours, travels all over AZ, and is sometimes gone overnight.Usually I am invisible when she is around. I do what she asks even if it is unreasonable.  

 

What I bring to our family is vital - free child care, a car, and my disability income. They only have one car. Are they going to need more than one car when she's working from home?  Babycenter says the average for home day care is $650 a month. I take care of my grandson at least 60 hours a week again, if it bugs you, set some limits.  so even if you didn't add extra for overtime that would be $925 plus my disability would be $1699 and they use my Jeep, they would have to buy another car if I wasn't here. That's $20,000 a year and a free car!

 

And they are providing you with free rent and groceries.  Calculating a low rent for 1 bedroom in the Tucson area, and a modest grocery budget, plus transportation to and from medical appointments that's $8400/year, plus not having to sell your car!  Less that $20K, but almost as much as your disability income!  For which you get the privilege of inhabiting an entire huge bedroom with a private bath while the rest of the family jams itself into a single bedroom!  


This conversation would be so much more friendly and interesting if we could all start from a point at which we agree that both you and your DIL are unique and wonderful human beings with inherent value and dignity.  And then maybe you could stop insulting her and denigrating her (really quite substantial) contributions to your family.  I'm sure you're worth way more that $20K per year, and I'm sure she is too.  

 

Like your DIL is doing now, I recently completed a long-distance move with my family for higher pay.  My MIL was a big help - she flew across the country with my kids and helped pack.  But you know what else?  She also violated my boundaries by poking around in my private space (she knows exactly what I keep in my bedside table now), risked her health and safety by climbing my kitchen counters (and refusing to get down when I asked her to) and allowing my 4yo to keep her up until all hours (despite my attempts to maintain a consistent bedtime routine), and then nagged me about driving across the country too fast (so I could get to where she was before she let the baby make her sick from exhaustion as she has in the past, or fell off a kitchen counter and traumatized my children - evidently, potential injury was not a concern).  When I finally got to our new home and caught up with her and the kids in the new state, she tried to rescue my child from me when she cried at bedtime (I was with her trying to comfort her - we're not talking about CIO here).  I'm sure she has an interesting description of my behavior as well.  I think she's a nice person, but right now she and I have a rift that will take years to mend.  She lives 3000 miles away and we're still working hard to avoid each other.  Christmas is going to be hell.    

 

So hey, if you can, spare yourself.  Tone all this down, try to have some empathy for your DIL, and make sure that both of you get the space you need.  

 

 

 

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#26 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 05:16 PM
 
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I was asking about Vegas not our living situation.

 

 

 

 

Then why do you keep telling ( and telling and telling and telling ) us about your living situation?

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#27 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 06:28 PM
 
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You don't need to feel sorry for my DIL She gets anything and everything she wants. She chooses to work. She decided to get pregnant. She decided to work after she has the baby. She didn't tell me I was going to have to take care of a newborn when they talked me into coming to live with them. She decided we are moving from Tucson to Vegas. She picked the 2 bedroom apartment we are living in now. She will pick where we live in Vegas. She makes ALL decisions. She decides at the last minute what will be done on holidays. She doesn't tell anyone her plans, you have to be available to do what she wants when she wants. She never shows gratitude or says thank you to anyone. My son makes no decisions yet is responsible for everything. She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes. My son is so discouraged and worn out. He works full time as a phlebotomist for the Red Cross. He works irregular hours, travels all over AZ, and is sometimes gone overnight.Usually I am invisible when she is around. I do what she asks even if it is unreasonable.

 

She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes, breastfeed, and work full time supporting a family of four (soon to be five).

 

Fixed that for you.

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#28 of 45 Old 09-19-2011, 09:36 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans View Post


The only thing they have to do for me is make sure one of them has Tuesday off every once every 3 weeks so one of them can drive me to the infusion center to get my gamma globulin IVs for immune deficiencies and pick me up 8 hours later. I've been going to this infusion center 4 years and my nurses are my friends. I'm usually the only patient because of my risk of infection. We order out for lunch and have a good time. I'm not supposed to drive and someone has to take care of my grandson while I am at the infusion center. I usually feel bad tin the evening and for a couple of days - headache and flu-like symptoms but I can function.

 

What I bring to our family is vital - free child care, a car, and my disability income. They only have one car. Babycenter says the average for home day care is $650 a month. I take care of my grandson at least 60 hours a week so even if you didn't add extra for overtime that would be $925 plus my disability would be $1699 and they use my Jeep, they would have to buy another car if I wasn't here. That's $20,000 a year and a free car!

 



Well, making sure you get a ride to your doctor every third Tuesday isn't ALL that they have to do for you. Theya re also providing you with free room and board, correct? Or are you paying rent? If you're not (and I think that it's perfectly fine if you aren't), then your childcare isn't exactly free, is it? They're getting childcare and you're getting room and board. Lots of people live that way and it works out great.

 

Since you evidently have so much hostility and very little (if any) respect for your DiL, I don't understand why you don't seem open at all to the prospect of getting a larger apartment so everyone will get a little more MUCH-NEEDED space? Stik already did some research for you and it seems likely that there are some 3 or more bedroom apartments, somewhere, that don't necessarily have teensy little bedrooms. And as far as being non-smoking and having a washer and dryer unit, those things are by no means confined to 2 bedroom apartments only. Make sense? It's just some friendly advice. If you go into this situation the way you're describing it, can you imagine all the drama and frustration that you and your DiL (not to mention everyone else) are going to have to go through? I simply think that it's worth looking into. And frankly, I think you'd be a fool not to.


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#29 of 45 Old 09-20-2011, 06:55 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans View Post

 

Getting bit can be either the animal or the child's fault or both and child can be taught how to behave around an animal to make the animal happy and minimize the risk of getting bit. I was kidding about boys liking scars (but it is true).

 

 

You don't need to feel sorry for my DIL She gets anything and everything she wants. She chooses to work. She decided to get pregnant. She decided to work after she has the baby. She didn't tell me I was going to have to take care of a newborn when they talked me into coming to live with them. She decided we are moving from Tucson to Vegas. She picked the 2 bedroom apartment we are living in now. She will pick where we live in Vegas. She makes ALL decisions. She decides at the last minute what will be done on holidays. She doesn't tell anyone her plans, you have to be available to do what she wants when she wants. She never shows gratitude or says thank you to anyone. My son makes no decisions yet is responsible for everything. She doesn't do anything around the house except make messes. My son is so discouraged and worn out. He works full time as a phlebotomist for the Red Cross. He works irregular hours, travels all over AZ, and is sometimes gone overnight.Usually I am invisible when she is around. I do what she asks even if it is unreasonable.

 

First:  The child isn't the only one that needs to be trained.   "the child has to learn how to behave around the animal," sure -- but it's not all on the child to make sure they don't get bitten.

 

And I strongly STRONGLY disagree with you about boys liking scars.  The men and boys I know with facial scars from dog bites are NOT proud of them and do their best to cover/hide them with hair or facial hair.   Disfigurement is NOT something that wins some kind of macho points.

 

So, your DIL is the major breadwinner for a family of soon-to-be 5 people?  

 

Funny, what you describe sounds like common behavior among people with fulltime jobs supporting a family of 5.   If your son were your daughter and your DIL was your daughter's husband, I bet you wouldn't be complaining about those behaviors at all.

 

The woman is working full time.   She's supporting not only her husband and child, but her husband's chronically ill mother and her animals.   What is it you expect from her?  Work full time to put food on the table and pay for her family's healthcare and housing, and then come home and wait on you and your son hand and foot?  


savithny, 42 year old moderate mom to DS Primo (age 12) and DD Secunda (age 9).

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My son works! She is not the major breadwinner. She has always gotten whatever she wants long before she worked. He is giving up his job because she made the decision to move. I had a place to live, a much better place. I lived in a newly remodled house with a pool. I can't move back there because someone else has moved in.  

 

It doesn't matter what I expect of her. I just wanted info about Vegas. I can show my son the info online and then if she asks him anything about Vegas he can show her some web sites. I have found information other ways.


: Grandmother , 3 Adult Sons

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