Thanks EVERYONE for your beautiful responses. They were just absolutely what I needed to hear. I've been thinking about this the past two days and I think at least part of my guilt stems from my own need to control the circumstances - I spent so much time in my pregnancy working to get past the issues we were dealing with (malposition etc), and then to have everything go exactly opposite from what I had hoped - it was definitely a huge loss of control, and I think part of me feels like I "should" have been able to fix it. But I am working on recognizing that guilt and letting it gently go. Rationally speaking, I DO know that everyone involved (me, care providers etc.) did all possible, and that this outcome was just how this birth had to happen. It is certainly teaching me!
Veganyogamam and sunshinelove - thank you, your words are beautiful and helping me to see things in a bit of a different light! Whatever else is the case, it's certainly true that this little girl didn't want to budge from where she was. And as I was thinking about it the other day and feeling guilt about her coming into the world in a relatively traumatic manner, I had to remind myself that she is a wise little spirit... and I have a feeling that she probably understands and accepts the way things happened. Not sure if that makes sense or not. ;) And my husband says she was beautifully calm, sweet, and alert right from the beginning, which makes me feel good.
Thanks EVERYONE for your love and reassurance! It has been just what I've needed to read as I've discovered and begun sifting through these feelings. I do feel very blessed that, like I said originally, for a bad situation everything went as well as it possibly could. In the entire hospital stay, there was literally only one L&D nurse who I didn't like and she was only with me for maybe the first hour, tops! Everyone else was so loving, compassionate, and working so very hard to help us have the birth we'd hoped for. I am really REALLY grateful for that. I still feel frustrated with a feeling of "why did things have to happen the way they did," but I don't feel like I was manhandled or disrespected by the people involved, which is really wonderful.
I was just reminded of something that my son told me about 6 months or so ago when we were talking about babies and birth. I told him that "you didn't want to come out, so that doctors had to go in and get you!" and he told me: "It's ok, mom, I don't remember that!"
That was so redeeming! Haha, to hear my own c/s child tell me: "it's ok, I don't remember" helped me a lot with any guilt feelings!
Chapsie, I love it!
Oh, and I forgot to mention - actually since the day of the birth I've tentatively planned on seeing a counselor once things settle down and I'm a little more mobile, etc. I tend to need to talk a lot to process through things, so I figure that will be helpful. ;)
I love that, Chapsie!
I had a lot of guilt with my first cesarean. I was angry. I felt cheated and poorly used and, while I adored my daughter intensely, I felt distanced from her because of the difficulties processing her birth and what led to it. And then I spent a lot of time feeling guilty, because I allowed the experience to drive that wedge between us for the first year or two of her life. There are still days when that anger rears it's ugly head (especially when processing my repeat cesarean.)
I am glad that you were held with such compassion in your birth. I suspect that may have made all the difference with my first birth as this one has been much easier to process and accept and I hope that it helps you.
Just fyi, though, "midwife" and "OB" really are just titles. My midwife (my first birth) was terrible and by-the-book, while my OB was amazing, compassionate, and allowed me to lead in this pregnancy, rather than telling me what "had" to be done.
I can't comment on csections because I've never had one...but I still have guilt over my first birth. It's been 4.5 years and I still wonder if I caused his autism. I know I did somehow. Either the MMR I got before I knew I was pregnant, the morphine drip I was on for several days at 32 weeks, agreeing to AROM which locked him into a bad position leading to 2 hours of pushing and trauma to his little head/face. So much guilt.
I'm sorry things were so different for you than you planned, but it sounds like you made good choices all around and had a very compassionate OB. Grieve the birth you planned if you need to but try not to feel . <3
I feel immense guilt. Could something have been done had baby been born in the hospital? The pediatrician says, no, but how much of her response was to make me feel better?