Im kind of bringing my response to another thread into a new one...
anyone have second thoughts about agreeing to transfer to hospital?
Part of me feels like, why am I dwelling on this? but part of me also feels like next time I want to be a lot more prepared and know more about what I want to do , and when and why... so I need to make sure I fully process my transfer and how I feel about it.
I transferred but I know I had to. So I am not dealing with questioning my decision. But it sucked really hard.
I had to transfer - but I do regret it. I keep going over it in my head, mad that it didn't go like I wanted it to. I agreed to go to the hospital and keep thinking I should have tried to hold out, but the midwifes told me that they were only giving me 45 more minutes and if I didn't progress, I was going anyhow. Even after I went to the hospital, I didn't progress at all in the next 10 hours. So the likelyhood of not going - nil. but I still feel like I did something wrong. I have tried to tell myself that I was going natural because it was the best for my baby and if we had stayed at home, it wouldn't have been the best for her at that point - but I don't seem to be convencing myself of that. In addition, I am unable to feed her on the breast, so I am pumping - it all makes me feel like I have failed at the female side of life, so to speak.
Ok this may sound bad but I think it's good, to an extent, that we obsess over what didn't go our way. I have too many friends that just accepted and did whatever the doctor told them and didn't think about it for a second, or after for that matter, I've asked them and they really didn't care, as long as the doctor suggested it it was all good. I hate that, I have to think for myself, I have to do the research and know my options. So IMO the fact that we obsess about what did or didn't go our way shows that we've taken an active role in our labor and delivery, like scottishmommy said, too many look at it as a medical procedure. Most of the moms on here don't, most know that we're not broken, our bodies are meant to do this and usually medical intervention isn't necessary.
That being said, I've obsessed over both of my deliveries. DS was a scheduled c-section, I sobbed every day before and after for about 2 weeks. I obsessed over how much was out of my control, and the what if's, if I had waited to go into labor would he have turned, would my OB have been on call (he was the only one in the city that would deliver breech), did I do enough to try to turn him, even though I had two very painful ECVs. This time I had the birth I wanted, but now I'm obsessing over how I handled it, could I have dealt with transition a lot better, could I have breathed through the really intense contractions better, could I have pushed better, more efficiently and prevented some of the tearing. Now all I want is a chance to do it again, see if I can do better! LOL
Thank you mamas for your responses.
alindsay~ your situations with your reason for transferring sounds similar to mine, I didn't progress hardly at all (once my mw arrived) for about 7 hours, and thats when she brought up transfer. I don't think she would have forced me to transfer, but I think there is a point where a mw can sign off care in the home. has anyone heard of this? I started pushing about two hours after I left my house though... Wow, 10 hours of laboring at the hospital, I can't imagine... WOW! Amazing job making it through that! And please don't feel like a failure about the nursing. Im sure your baby loves you more than anything in the world whether you are able to nurse or not! Its great that you are pumping and still giving breastmilk, thats awesome! Have you been able to talk to your mws about your feelings? I haven't yet ....
Smurfy~ thanks for your input... I totally agree! And its interesting to hear how you are obsessing over how things went even without a transfer. I wondered about preventing my tearing too, but I was able to talk to my mw (who was my doula at the hospital) and she was able to assure me that I listened to her direction and did everything she said. Part of me also feels like if I had been at home, just with mws, possibly not on my back things would have been different. Maybe you could talk to your mw about that. It made me feel a lot better to hear that I had followed her instructions (cause I couldn't remember !) on breathing and holding back during pushing... sometimes you just tear I guess!
I'm a little slow posting this, but I read the responses many weeks ago and just now got around to posting. Your comments help a lot! I haven't been real open with others because I prefer not to talk about what i perceive as a failure. But being able to open up here and your comments helped me through it. I'm doing a little better. It's starting to fade and having a health baby is replacing the feelings (and probably a lack of PP hormones).
alindsay, glad you are feeling better, I am feeling much better too... like you said, the sad feelings about transferring are fading as baby grows and is so perfect and wonderful. I also was able to meet with a local doula, and go over my thoughts about my care at home by my mws and my transfer... she helped me understand some things, and helped me feel confident that I was correct that I wasn't offered all the options I should have been to help me stay home. After this, I wrote a long letter to both my mws telling them my feelings of dissapointment, and also my feelings of gratitude for other parts of my care throughout my pregnancy. It was VERY helpful with letting a lot of feelings go. I haven't heard back from either of them, but I told myself I wouldn't have any expectations of that... that the expression is the process.
Hey, just wanted to say I'm an EP too and we are not failures! We're busting our asses to provide our babies with breast milk. We didn't take the easy road and just give up and give them formula. They're getting all the same health and wellness benefits of breast milk that they need. In my book, that's great mothering. :-)
I was going to have a homebirth, but we transferred because of infection concerns. (I'll not post the story here, it is not pleasant.) I wanted to post here a long time ago, but like someone else mentioned....PP hormones made it impossible.
I do run the event through my head & work it out if we had stayed home, had done this, had done that....and it's just too hard. We are hugely pregnant & we want what's best for our baby. When you are in that stage of "TIME TO COME OUT BABY" thinking is not what is is normally. Our brains need to let our bodies work. We are in birthing mode.
Everyday I have to fight the "what ifs" but the bottom line is we love our babies and we were just trying to get them out healthy. And if subsequent pregnancies are in the future those birth's will be informed by the knowledge we have already gained birthing.
As to hormones I'm in the hair loss stage. Sweep, sweep, sweep.
I hope you are all well & enjoying the Christmas festivities.