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12-11-2010 07:00 PM
pearl2

OP have you been back?

 

I am nearly incredulous to the point where I keep thinking this HAS to be fake. Who would allow this to happen? <--that's my current mindset; I know people are different, but really?? While you can't control his actions, you sure can stand up for yourself!

12-08-2010 09:20 AM
heatherdeg

WAY too much even for multi-quote here, so I'm just going to add:

 

Yes--get some therapy together.  Not just so that he can learn to respect you and your needs, but so that he can understand his complete lack of connection to his children.  This is less about what you need vs. the fact that you are struggling and he is happy to drug you into shutting up about whatever it is instead of caring about it and trying to help/comfort you.  :(

 

My husband comes from a family where the culture was so mom-does-all-"female"-things that when she once ran out to the store for 15 minutes and his older brother got poop EVERYwhere with a poopy explosion that FIL called HIS MIL from next door to clean it because he had no idea what to do and was too proud to do it "wrong" (aka "like a man").  In fact, MIL was so do-it-all that dh left living with them and being mothered to living with me and having me (unintentionally) pick up where she left off.  We've been together 13-1/2 years, married 11-1/2, have a almost 7yo & 2yo plus did foster care.  He works full-time and cooks ALL of our meals and does all baths.  I have had to leave for up to 4 days at a time and he is fully capable of handling it.  It can be done.  We did, of course, have plenty of therapy and my inlaws believe that I'm a worthless ingrate and lessor woman who should kiss the ground dh walks on for all he does.  :)

 

Even with a willing husband, IT. IS. HARD. for me to get any alone time or breaks.  What has finally worked for us is a morning routine that allows me 10 full minutes EVERY morning of being left completely alone to lay in my bed.  Sometimes I have to set the alarm clock so I don't go over.  I then have another 10 minutes to brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed and whatever.  Since we implemented this, it's made a monumental difference in my ability to function during the day.

12-07-2010 09:03 AM
limabean

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamalisa View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

I don't understand why a person would have children if they don't want to spend any time with them. If all he sees them as is some chore that he'd rather not attend to, that's terrible. 



The irony is she's supposed to want to spend every second with the kids and for him it's perfectly acceptable not to want to spend any time alone with them.  Insane.  



Exactly. OP, the next time he belittles you for needing a break, I'd say, "I'm glad you think it's so easy. The next couple of hours should be a cakewalk for you then. Bye, enjoy your evening relaxing with the baby!" 

12-07-2010 06:36 AM
mamalisa

Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

I don't understand why a person would have children if they don't want to spend any time with them. If all he sees them as is some chore that he'd rather not attend to, that's terrible. 



The irony is she's supposed to want to spend every second with the kids and for him it's perfectly acceptable not to want to spend any time alone with them.  Insane.  

12-06-2010 06:29 PM
CrystalCloud

Things like this can really lead to resentment and more issues in your marraige. You're not crazy for wanting (and needing) a few minutes alone. If he thinks you need a therapist then do it so he can get that third party confirmation that you need time to clear your mind. He should be more involved with the kids. Make him, don't ask him to do something like feed the kids, take them a bath, change their clothes. Go outside for a minute and leave him inside with the kids. He'll have to figure it out.

 

12-06-2010 08:08 AM
limabean

I don't understand why a person would have children if they don't want to spend any time with them. If all he sees them as is some chore that he'd rather not attend to, that's terrible. 

12-05-2010 07:38 PM
dalia if you are crazy then I must be a complete psycho! I am a sahm, I have a cleaning person AND a mommy's helper several times a week! you need a break!
12-05-2010 03:34 AM
sdm1024

Just joining the consensus and adding another voice saying you def. need a break. We have an agreement in our house that everyone gets a bit of alone time each day, no matter what.

 

When my children were younger, I did use the childcare room at my Y - members had 90min/day to use the facilities. Granted, you can't leave the facility, but at least I could walk the track, swim, use the shower (unlimited hot water and no interruptions), sauna/hot tub/steam room. During the time DH was working long hours and traveling frequently for work and helped as much as he could, but the children were young and tha 90 min break a few times a week was a godsend.

 

Your DH's stance needs to change...but in the meantime I would find ways to give yourself some time/space that you need.

11-28-2010 07:32 PM
sailorscout

this is exactly my marriage i do everything 100% all of the time and he thinks im being dramatic or lazy when i want like help or to go to the store alone, i feel ya

11-28-2010 04:50 PM
tjlucca

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelly1101 View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by lilylumos View Post

Oh my good lord. My husband works 14 hours a day in a physical labor job and he GLADLY comes home and finishes baths and pajamas, homework, all of it. There's no way I could do it without him and stay sane. 

 


This.  He's never even changed a diaper or given a bath!?!?!?!  THAT is what is crazy!  And I'm not even one of the more 50/50 division of labor SAHMs... I do all the housework, etc.  But when my husband is home, he's being a PARENT.  That includes caring for the children.  To expect you to do everything for his children, and him do nothing, is completely ridiculous.  You already spend ALL DAY doing everything for the kids.  The least he can do is help you out in the evenings.

I agree, take him up on the "go see a doctor"-- go see one.  I guarantee they aren't going to tell you that you are crazy :lol but they can help you work through your feelings about your marriage and how to fix the relationship, if that's what you want to do.

Is he going to watch the kids while you are off "seeing a doctor"?
his

 

 

 

THIS!!!! Wow, get into therapy together ASAP. Don't believe for a second that you are crazy or selfish or any other derogatory sentiment that he wheels against you. Asserting your needs is a healthy, self respecting behavior. You absolutely need time off. Everyone needs time to themselves no matter what their job!! So sorry this is happening to you Mama. Don't give up on taking care of yourself, whether you have his support or not. hug.gif
 

11-24-2010 10:18 AM
wondermama

Call his bluff -- go see a doctor, therapist, some professional -- describe your daily life and what your responsibilities are, and see what the "diagnosis" is.  Have the professional write it down, come home, and hand it to your husband.  (I am a therapist, and I know *exactly* what I would prescribe in this situation: Daily breaks, no exceptions, for general sanity).  Sheesh.

11-22-2010 10:04 PM
pearl2

So...

 

any update? 

11-22-2010 09:07 PM
newbymom05

That is so wrong. My DH is helpful, my kids are easy and one is in school all day and I still need many breaks and I still lose it on occasion. You're not crazy.

11-22-2010 09:05 PM
JamieB

Quote:
Originally Posted by Addie View Post

I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus that is saying you're NOT crazy. You know what's crazy? This -
 



:eekI only have one child, a one-year-old, but i can tell you in no uncertain terms that I would have lost my damn mind by now if this were the situation in my household. You are a stronger woman than I for holding it together this long. Please do whatever it takes to get yourself the time/space you need.



The bolded part is really important.  Do it for your kidshug.gif

11-22-2010 05:40 PM
Juvysen

Quote:
Originally Posted by Makaylamama View Post

I understand where you are coming from ElliesMomma—My husband and I had the same issue. He could not understand that I needed a break—just 10 minutes. He too asked me to talk to a Dr, which I did. The Dr. Comfirmed that it was normal to want some alone time—but my husband did not take this very seriously and actually asked me not to go back to that Dr. Again. I do all the housework, errands, childcare, cooking—you name it. Granted he does work 50-60 hours a week. It became too much of a fight, so I gave up. Meanwhile, my husband has a cocktail hour after work regularly with friends, and goes to the gym 5-6 times a week. He was completely flabbergasted when I asked him if he could watch our daughter  for an hour so I could go swimming on Saturdays. I dont get the double standard, that I am always responsible for our daughter and he always has the freedom to do what he wants, and for me to want some alone time is actually ‘crazy’. Anyways, I feel  your pain mama.  I dont think any of us are crazy or selfish for wanting some alone time! I hope you figure something out. I have considered hiring a secret babysitter or housecleaner to give myself a breakJ

 sure, so he works 50-60 hrs per week and you work... 168... hours... per week.  Yeah, that sounds close to fair...  

*sigh* I so don't get how some people can be so... unable to wrap their head around the fact that when a SAHM is home alone with kids it's not the same as being just HOME ALONE. 

11-22-2010 05:06 PM
Addie I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus that is saying you're NOT crazy.

You know what's crazy? This -


Quote:
Originally Posted by ElliesMomma View Post


he has never done a single bath, diaper, dinner, or overnight duty. 




yikes.gif
I only have one child, a one-year-old, but i can tell you in no uncertain terms that I would have lost my damn mind by now if this were the situation in my household. You are a stronger woman than I for holding it together this long. Please do whatever it takes to get yourself the time/space you need.

11-22-2010 03:17 PM
Makaylamama

I understand where you are coming from ElliesMomma—My husband and I had the same issue. He could not understand that I needed a break—just 10 minutes. He too asked me to talk to a Dr, which I did. The Dr. Comfirmed that it was normal to want some alone time—but my husband did not take this very seriously and actually asked me not to go back to that Dr. Again. I do all the housework, errands, childcare, cooking—you name it. Granted he does work 50-60 hours a week. It became too much of a fight, so I gave up. Meanwhile, my husband has a cocktail hour after work regularly with friends, and goes to the gym 5-6 times a week. He was completely flabbergasted when I asked him if he could watch our daughter  for an hour so I could go swimming on Saturdays. I dont get the double standard, that I am always responsible for our daughter and he always has the freedom to do what he wants, and for me to want some alone time is actually ‘crazy’. Anyways, I feel  your pain mama.  I dont think any of us are crazy or selfish for wanting some alone time! I hope you figure something out. I have considered hiring a secret babysitter or housecleaner to give myself a breakJ

11-22-2010 01:02 PM
AbbieB

Your are not crazy. You do not need medications. You do not need a doctor. Your feelings are all normal and justifiable.

 

 

11-22-2010 10:40 AM
peainthepod Wow, that would not fly around my house! No, you are not crazy for needing a break. Your DH needs a serious reality check though.

If you believe the children will be safe and their needs will be provided for while you're gone, definitely leave him alone with them for a few hours (or a whole day, depending on how mad you are lol.gif ). If you genuinely don't think he's capable or that he'll be passive aggressive and let the children go neglected all day, then hire a sitter and let him know you'll be back in a few hours. But do something for yourself, mama. You deserve a life too.

He sounds very disrespectful of your role as a mother and wife, and of your right to have time to yourself. If he's not willing to be a father to his children, he'd better be willing to pay for someone to come and relieve you once in awhile. But he doesn't get to tell you that you have to do it all, and he definitely doesn't get to tell you you're crazy for needing a break. The next time he says something that insensitive and awful, point out that he's being emotionally abusive. Because he is. irked.gif
11-22-2010 09:32 AM
BetsyS

I tend to do most of the housework and childcare work around here, and that is fine with me.  HOWEVER....if my dh had the attitude that yours had, that would so not be okay with me.

 

I agree with the other folks.  Leave and get yourself a break.  Your children will be fine.  Your dh will cope.  And that hour alone grocery shopping or drinking coffee or just driving around will do wonders for your sanity. 

 

11-22-2010 09:09 AM
Jenivere

I would be crazy if I never had any alone time or help with our children. I have a hard time picturing a man un-interested in even holding his own baby. Counceling is definitely in order because his expectations are not realistic. 

11-22-2010 07:33 AM
Twinklefae


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelly1101 View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by lilylumos View Post

Oh my good lord. My husband works 14 hours a day in a physical labor job and he GLADLY comes home and finishes baths and pajamas, homework, all of it. There's no way I could do it without him and stay sane. 

 


This.  He's never even changed a diaper or given a bath!?!?!?!  THAT is what is crazy!  And I'm not even one of the more 50/50 division of labor SAHMs... I do all the housework, etc.  But when my husband is home, he's being a PARENT.  That includes caring for the children.  To expect you to do everything for his children, and him do nothing, is completely ridiculous.  You already spend ALL DAY doing everything for the kids.  The least he can do is help you out in the evenings.

I agree, take him up on the "go see a doctor"-- go see one.  I guarantee they aren't going to tell you that you are crazy :lol but they can help you work through your feelings about your marriage and how to fix the relationship, if that's what you want to do.

Is he going to watch the kids while you are off "seeing a doctor"?
his


 Honestly, it's even less about you needing a break to me, you could simply start hiring a sitter if you really needed one.  But what kind of relationship does he have with the children when he's never left to care for them and build that trust? 

 

Did you talk about what you SAH was going to look like before you had kids?  Did he participate in a parenting classes or something before your first was born?

11-22-2010 06:45 AM
AFWife

Just jumping in because I don't have long (toddler in my lap)

 

Do counseling...but make it couples counseling (If you can get a therapist that will "see  you" and then "request a meeting with your DH" you'll be golden...and some will do it that way if you explain the dynamics) Maybe having a professional say "She is worked to her limit. She needs your help" will open his eyes?

11-22-2010 06:20 AM
waiting2bemommy

Tell him ok and that you're going to be getting the help that you need 3 times a week from 7-9 PM. Then three times a week from 7-9PM let him watch the kids while you go shopping/work out/whatever. He doesn't have to know where you're going.

11-22-2010 01:33 AM
Imogen

You are definitely not mentally unstable because you desire a break!  It's terrible that he would suggest such a thing.  From what you've posted and a lot of the comments agree, your partner should be offering more support and help with the children.

 

Good luck hug.gif

11-21-2010 01:12 PM
Kelly1101

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilylumos View Post

Oh my good lord. My husband works 14 hours a day in a physical labor job and he GLADLY comes home and finishes baths and pajamas, homework, all of it. There's no way I could do it without him and stay sane. 

 


This.  He's never even changed a diaper or given a bath!?!?!?!  THAT is what is crazy!  And I'm not even one of the more 50/50 division of labor SAHMs... I do all the housework, etc.  But when my husband is home, he's being a PARENT.  That includes caring for the children.  To expect you to do everything for his children, and him do nothing, is completely ridiculous.  You already spend ALL DAY doing everything for the kids.  The least he can do is help you out in the evenings.

I agree, take him up on the "go see a doctor"-- go see one.  I guarantee they aren't going to tell you that you are crazy :lol but they can help you work through your feelings about your marriage and how to fix the relationship, if that's what you want to do.

Is he going to watch the kids while you are off "seeing a doctor"?
his

11-21-2010 09:58 AM
hopefulfaith

Are you going to be able to just jump right in and say "Please give ds a bath" and start from there, or do you have to start with the foundations of his beliefs/why he apparently believes that it's all up to you and he is only supposed to go to work/come home?

 

I'm not being snarky when I say that.  Every man is different, and I know that when my parents were married, this was the way my father was - my mother never could have started saying "Do XYZ" or he would have been "Are you crazy?  _I've_ worked all day." and given her the SAH=eating bonbons defense.  They were better off divorced, but I guess what I'm saying is that you might have to address your relationship issue/parenting imbalance before you can just cavalierly hand him a child and tell him to get to it.

 

You mentioned your mom.  Would she be able to watch your kids every Monday (or whatever) so that you and dh could go to couples therapy?  Would he even be willing to go?

 

 

I see this as more than a SAHP issue -- I think this is a partnering issue.

 

Good luck, mama.  It's exhausting enough being an at-home mom without having to do every part of parenting all by yourself.

I really liked the Home Depot analogy, too, mamalisa.  :)  I sort of want to copy and paste that to make a FB status update.  I won't, but it is sort of brilliant.  :)

11-20-2010 09:44 PM
CherryBombMama

my dh grew up in a family where in father did nothing and his mom took care of every single household duty. i tell myself that its not my dhs fault he is wire the way he is. i am trying to help him relearn what it means to be a father and dh. you need to do that with your dh. counseling is always good, but showing him what he needs to do is just as good.

 

what would he do if you just said one night, "ds needs a bath. make sure to shampoo his hair." ? ive done it. the look on my dhs face was priceless.

 

teach him how to be a good dh. he wont like it, because what he is doing right now is easy and great for him, but you need to do it for your marriage. i am finally learning this and its making me feel so empowered.

11-20-2010 05:37 PM
Emmeline II


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by Smithie View Post

 

Couples therapy is probably a good idea, because sometimes people just need to hear it from a third party before it sinks in. Hiring a sitter is always nice when you can afford it. 


 

This.  I was going to say it sounds like you do need therapy - couple's therapy.  No, it's not crazy to need a break from the constant shirt pulling.  It *IS* crazy to think that no one should need that break.


thumb.gif

 

Perhaps you should have him go with you to a psychiatrist so that she/he can tell him that what you really need is a supportive husband! then do the relationship counseling.

11-20-2010 08:22 AM
lookatreestar

if he is not willing to help you take "you time" then you need to take you time. my dh is totally not good about giving me alone time so i force myself to take it. on his day off i get a day off too. do some errands, shopping, anything i feel like without little ones thumb.gif

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