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Thread: Anyone have those friends who have no business being parents?? Reply to Thread
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  Topic Review (Newest First)
04-27-2013 01:25 PM
Imakcerka
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

I totally agree.

Your parenting decisions are your own, and so are theirs. IMO, it is super rude to say "this person should never have kids". They love their kid, the  arent abusing him, Im assuming he isnt FTT (which if he really "wasnt eating" he would be FTT).

 

~

The mom who passes her kid off at parties to random strangers, holds them like a football under my arm, and heats bottles up in the microwave. 

 

 

04-27-2013 01:10 PM
Adaline'sMama
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

Escaping it sounds like two different parenting ideals.  Yours and theirs.  You think yours is better which is fine because lots of people are that way.  However it's counterproductive as a whole.  Maybe you should stop judging these people.  Because honestly you've really said nothing about them that brings up any red flags. 

I totally agree.

Your parenting decisions are your own, and so are theirs. IMO, it is super rude to say "this person should never have kids". They love their kid, the  arent abusing him, Im assuming he isnt FTT (which if he really "wasnt eating" he would be FTT).

 

~

The mom who passes her kid off at parties to random strangers, holds them like a football under my arm, and heats bottles up in the microwave. 

04-25-2013 02:49 PM
Polliwog I've gotten lots of baby sitting jobs through the internet and through classified jobs in the pre-internet days.
04-25-2013 02:26 PM
kitteh Ha, I just mention it because it's possible to use a "random person off craigslist" and not necessarily be a horrible parent. Not trying to stir up arguments over semantics.
04-25-2013 02:16 PM
kathymuggle
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

 

At one point the Op said they left their baby with someone they found on the interent.  I don't know what this means, exactly (like a babysitter with references they found on the internet or some random person through Craigslist? ) but really, depending on details, this might be CPS worthy.  I have seen threads where people urge others to call CPS for less.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitteh View Post

I have used a babysitter that I found on craigslist. We took photocopies of her drivers license, contacted her references, and met with her beforehand. To think that would be cps worthy is laughable.

Well, it sounds like you fell into the "babysitter with references" category - which is quite different from the random person on the internet category (to me random person implies someone who is not checked out by the parents, but I am not going to bother arguing word choice.)

 

A lot of this thread feels quite Twilight zonish to me.

04-25-2013 01:38 PM
kitteh I have used a babysitter that I found on craigslist. We took photocopies of her drivers license, contacted her references, and met with her beforehand. To think that would be cps worthy is laughable.
04-25-2013 09:23 AM
kathymuggle
Quote:
Originally Posted by Polliwog View Post

But the second part of your title was "who have no business being parents." I know lots of those people. Many no longer have custody of their children or have lost their parental rights. Your examples aren't even close.

I think it was just an over the top ranty title - and not to be taken literally (shrug).

 

That being said - some of the stuff the OP described is not Okay.

 

At one point the Op said they left their baby with someone they found on the interent.  I don't know what this means, exactly (like a babysitter with references they found on the internet or some random person through Craigslist? ) but really, depending on details, this might be CPS worthy.  I have seen threads where people urge others to call CPS for less.

 

What I think happened in this thread is the OP complained about some stuff that was not problematic (such as holding the baby like a football.  Who cares?) but I think there were some serious issues in there that were overlooked due to being mixed in with trivial issues.  

04-25-2013 09:08 AM
Polliwog But the second part of your title was "who have no business being parents." I know lots of those people. Many no longer have custody of their children or have lost their parental rights. Your examples aren't even close.
04-25-2013 07:16 AM
Escaping
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

 

I don't only think writing on a message board needs to be about getting alternate opinions - sometimes it is for seeking an "I understand" from someone - particularly when you cannot really talk about it in real life. 

yeahthat.gif

 

The post wasn't really meant as an expectation of a dogpile, I was mostly expecting people to post about similar experiences (the first part did say "Anyone have those friends...blush.gif)... my responses just seemed to snowball lol

 

I wasn't trying to say I'm a better parent or a worse parent (I don't really care about comparing my parenting to others anyway), just needed a place to write down all the things that bug me.

 

I understand the frustrations of people who really have special needs kids and others don't understand, but this child is truly not special needs. I think it's more about their need to look for problems and solve them. 

04-17-2013 02:56 PM
prettysymmetry If you truly consider yourself deep down to be the mom's friend, next time you're alone with her ask her "how she's doing?" rather than letting the focus be on the child. She seems like she's truly suffering ..
If these are your hubby's friends, then maybe he can approach the husband in said couple by asking him how he is doing..?
just athought to help gain insight.
04-17-2013 10:36 AM
Imakcerka
Quote:
Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post

We must be  different astrological signs.

 

I am not sure I have been on a thread with you in months, so I am a little lost.

 

There were a few people jumping on the Op - you write fairly clearly, so perhaps I tend to highlight what you say to respond to it.  .

 

For my part, I occasionally have people who always seem to disagree with me.  I do sometimes find it annoying, so I will try and check myself before posting after you, and see if I can make a more general post, instead of quoting you.

 

_______________

 

As per whether it is a dogpile, that is in the eye of the beholder.  It is not the worst I have seen.

 

I don't only think writing on a message board needs to be about getting alternate opinions - sometimes it is for seeking an "I understand" from someone - particularly when you cannot really talk about it in real life. 

 

 

Actually I was being ridic.  I just thought the OP shouldn't get herself too worked up over a difference in parenting that's all.

04-17-2013 10:20 AM
TCMoulton
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

Yes, that was how I understood it.  

Gotcha :-)
04-17-2013 09:53 AM
kathymuggle

nm

04-17-2013 09:44 AM
kathymuggle
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I was responding to KM.  She always disagrees with me, it's our thing I guess.

We must be  different astrological signs.

 

I am not sure I have been on a thread with you in months, so I am a little lost.

 

There were a few people jumping on the Op - you write fairly clearly, so perhaps I tend to highlight what you say to respond to it.  .

 

For my part, I occasionally have people who always seem to disagree with me.  I do sometimes find it annoying, so I will try and check myself before posting after you, and see if I can make a more general post, instead of quoting you.

 

_______________

 

As per whether it is a dogpile, that is in the eye of the beholder.  It is not the worst I have seen.

 

I don't only think writing on a message board needs to be about getting alternate opinions - sometimes it is for seeking an "I understand" from someone - particularly when you cannot really talk about it in real life. 

04-17-2013 08:36 AM
Imakcerka

I was responding to KM.  She always disagrees with me, it's our thing I guess.

04-17-2013 08:11 AM
IdentityCrisisMama
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post


In my post that you quoted I was referencing people dogpiling on the mom the OP was discussing.

Yes, that was how I understood it.  

04-17-2013 08:02 AM
TCMoulton
Quote:
Originally Posted by IdentityCrisisMama View Post

Here is the original use...Rainbow.gif

In my post that you quoted I was referencing people dogpiling on the mom the OP was discussing.
04-17-2013 07:33 AM
IdentityCrisisMama
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post

I understand the need to vent but its the expected dogpile on the guilty awful friends that is so dangerous. 

Here is the original use...Rainbow.gif

04-17-2013 07:23 AM
IdentityCrisisMama
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

How is it dogpiling?  How bout letting her know that while she's venting and it's certainly fine to do, she may or may not have it wrong.  Honestly a sounding board is a good place to check yourself.  Unless you want everyone to agree with you which really leads where?  I could complain that I THINK someone is doing parenting wrong, list all the things I THINK are wrong and someone could tell me I have it wrong and maybe I shouldn't get so upset.  I'll put on my big girl panties, think about it for a minute and consider that maybe, just maybe I'm putting too much into concerning myself with other people.  Otherwise what's the point of a forum?  Really let me know my pm box is always open.

 

 

And I did NOT dogpile.  THIS IS NOT A DOG PILE! 

I'm DEFINITELY not saying your're dog piling. I may not even understand the term, actually, or how it was originally used here on this thread. redface.gif I thought the original use of the term was to say that the "dog pile" (agreeing with the person doing the venting) was a bad thing. That it's one thing for an individual to vent but that when lots of people pile on, it becomes uncomfortable. 

 

Where I was discussing your point of view and the point of view of some others who wanted to discuss some of the negatives that come out of a post like this, is that I think (depending on how it's done) that criticism of the person doing the venting can feel quite a lot like what you're rallying against. 

 

I don't mean that to be critical - just more of an observation. Some of the words and implications directed to the OP were somewhat harsh, IMO, and not especially forgiving or understanding. So, if we're saying this OP needs to do better with how she judges another parent and how much she is concerned with another parent, we can look to ourselves as well. 

 

But, in all honestly, some of this perspective is about personal growth for myself. There was a time where I was very "judgmental about judgmental-ness".  As time went on and I processed some of those feelings, FOR ME, it was helpful to apply some of those same principals that allowed me to accept/process some negative parenting choices towards those parents I felt were all high and mighty. Because, really, when a person is in that place (not saying the OP is!) they are struggling too. A high and mighty parent full of condemnation and judgement for fellow mothers IS a parent struggling just as much as a parent struggling with other hurdles. It may be slightly more difficult to take and relate to (as I expressed in my first post on this thread and as can be attested to by the OP) but I think we do ourselves better in the "mommy wars" if we identify that and come to them with compassion. 

04-17-2013 06:26 AM
Imakcerka

How is it dogpiling?  How bout letting her know that while she's venting and it's certainly fine to do, she may or may not have it wrong.  Honestly a sounding board is a good place to check yourself.  Unless you want everyone to agree with you which really leads where?  I could complain that I THINK someone is doing parenting wrong, list all the things I THINK are wrong and someone could tell me I have it wrong and maybe I shouldn't get so upset.  I'll put on my big girl panties, think about it for a minute and consider that maybe, just maybe I'm putting too much into concerning myself with other people.  Otherwise what's the point of a forum?  Really let me know my pm box is always open.

 

 

And I did NOT dogpile.  THIS IS NOT A DOG PILE! 

04-15-2013 01:10 PM
fizgig

Not that I don't think you can vent, but I will say again that it seems very possible to me that you don't have a full picture of what is going on with that family.

 

It is a rare doctor that will order multiple MRIs without some serious cause for concern considering you have to sedate children for them, so I strongly suspect you simply have no clue what they are dealing with and are judging them based on an incomplete picture.  If you actually consider these people your friends, I would suggest that you find out more about their child's problems before dismissing them as paranoid or somehow overwrought which is how you paint them here. 

04-14-2013 03:12 PM
IdentityCrisisMama
Quote:

It would be nice if we could vent online - it beats just denying our negative feelings - or moving too hastily before we have had time to process what (if anything) to do about our negative feelings.    

 

I also think that many of us are problem solvers - and we tend  to want to jump to the inevitable conclusion rather than giving people space to sort it out.   The inevitable conclusion here is Escaping will either learn to accept their parent style and continue the friendship, or she will not be able to accept the way they parent for one reason or another, and will distance herself - either temporarily or permanently, depending on how things go.  

 

yeahthat.gif

04-14-2013 01:43 PM
kathymuggle
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I really do not like the part where ones parenting is questioned in such a manner that one feels they shouldn't be allowed to be parents when really they've done nothing I'd call CPS over. 

 The title of the Op was over the top, but not a big deal.  It is pretty clear to me she was just blowing off steam.

 

There is a big chasm between behaviour we find questionable and calling CPS on someone.  I am not okay with some of the behaviour Escaping described -  such as dropping the baby to induce a fear response, getting a sitter off the Internet, the car seat size and some of the sleep issues.  It would be nice if we could vent online - it beats just denying our negative feelings - or moving too hastily before we have had time to process what (if anything) to do about our negative feelings.    

 

I also think that many of us are problem solvers - and we tend  to want to jump to the inevitable conclusion rather than giving people space to sort it out.   The inevitable conclusion here is Escaping will either learn to accept their parent style and continue the friendship, or she will not be able to accept the way they parent for one reason or another, and will distance herself - either temporarily or permanently, depending on how things go.  

 

Escaping - I do not vent on MDC anymore on anything other than very trivial matters.  It usually leads to a dogpile, and I don't think it is worth it.  

04-14-2013 01:43 PM
erigeron

Mom at church using force to keep her two small children from leaving the nursery area when she left to rejoin the service. (The nursery is staffed by paid sitters during the service.) She left the nursery and basically physically pried her kids off her body. And this was her action of first resort. It wasn't like she told them "Okay, I am going to go back in and I will see you soon" or "Please let go of my leg because I need to go" and they continued to protest and cling. It was more she stood up, they followed her to the door, and she then turned around and started pushing them back. At least one of the two would likely respond fine to one of the above statements or something similar, just based on my other interactions with the child. 

 

I've seen a few other things from this family that make me raise an eyebrow, but as was said upthread, you only see a slice of anyone's family life, could be a reason, today could be an exception to what they usually do, etc. But this does make me sad to watch, and this isn't the first time I've seen something similar happen either. I just don't think this is very fair to the kids. (Also, if she did this in front of other adults, would she do worse in private?)

04-14-2013 11:23 AM
IdentityCrisisMama

I can really relate to this comment: 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

AND I think it really makes AP parents look like their holier than thou and as an AP parent myself it bothers me. 

 

 

Ever since I joined MDC, I have been on the side of "motherhood" when we discuss other parents. I'm not sure if it's the tone of Escaping's posts, or that I can really relate to some of her frustrations, or if I have mellowed a bit in how I judge a parent's need to vent, but I don't read this thread as being a condemnation of doing things differently.  And she certainly doesn't come off as holier than thou. 

 

My read is Escaping struggling with a family that is a bit "know it all-ish" who are struggling with parenting in a way that manifests in some parenting choices that are difficult to watch. I don't think we are participating in the mommy-wars if we identify and sympathize with Escaping's need to vent about that.

 

This is not to say that I am the expert on the intent of Escaping's posts on this thread. But, if the intentions are to tone down the mommy wars, I think we can start with how we approach Escaping here on this thread.  The same exact process that allows us to evaluate a parent doing things vastly differently from us and come to a level of respect for that parent, can be applied to Escaping's need to vent. 

04-14-2013 08:12 AM
Imakcerka

She's not discussing why.  Which is why I said it was counter productive.  And AP doesn't mean "I'M A BETTER PARENT"  It means we've chosen a different parenting path, one we feel is best for OUR children.  It's not good to look at a perfectly fine family and pick them apart because they don't do it how you do it.  AND I think it really makes AP parents look like their holier than thou and as an AP parent myself it bothers me.  That is all.

 

I was responding to Erigeron but I had quoting fail.

04-14-2013 08:08 AM
Imakcerka

Well the initial vent was what I would consider meh, yeah I get it.  BUT as it continued it was more or less that she really just doesn't like these people.  Vent about the issues, if you don't like the people you can find lots of things about them you don't like.  And hey that's cool and fine but I really do not like the part where ones parenting is questioned in such a manner that one feels they shouldn't be allowed to be parents when really they've done nothing I'd call CPS over. 

04-14-2013 05:19 AM
IdentityCrisisMama

I think many of us - being peace loving "AP" parents keep a lot of negative feelings at bay as we try to model positive living for our kids. So, when we have vent threads here at MDC  there is both the "dog pile" and also the temptation to take some anxiety over the "mommy wars" out on the mother doing the venting.  wink1.gif

 

It's been a while since I felt the need to vent about another parent but one thing Escaping and I have in common is that I often only feel the need to vent or "judge" if it is about a parent who I have felt judged by myself. Different parenting philosophies are one thing but opinions from people without children and/or from people who haven't BTDT are especially frustrating. So, I can relate to your vent!  I have also found that those parents who are not considerate of the fact that all families have different values for childcare/playdate swaps are sometimes the ones who tend to think there is only one way to parent.  

 

Also relating to the idea that while venting is valuable, there are other productive things that can be done...

 

I feel like I know some people similar to your friends. My instincts about how to relate to them would be to really model humility. I think sometimes parents feel like they have to be super sure of everything. I'd also open up to the things that are disappointing or challenging because I agree that it sounds like maybe infant parenting was maybe not exactly what they expected. Maybe they don't have a good friend to open up to. 

04-13-2013 05:44 PM
erigeron

I thought it was pretty obvious the thread title was hyperbole, but w/e. 

04-13-2013 04:24 PM
kitteh
Quote:
Originally Posted by erigeron View Post

eta: I take the point about not perpetuating the mommy wars, but I do think that discussing "why do people do x or y?" doesn't necessarily have to mean one is perpetuating the mommy wars. 

Sure, but when the title of the thread asserts that these people "have no business being parents" I do think that escalates this beyond an innocent, frustrated vent.
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