|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|03-14-2005 12:14 PM|
i chose to birth my twins at home and my son, Soren, was a footling and came out blue and not breathing. there was a long 8 minutes where a lot went wrong and one midwife panicked greatly. in that time, i just kept asking God, "What are you going to do? Is he going to live?" I was calm, peaceful...not about whether he lived or not but about the reality that birth is out of our hands no matter where or when it occurs. I had had a dream, at about 30 weeks, that the second baby was born not breathing and then I woke up. I decided to homebirth anyway, to trust my instincts and GOd, (I have a relationship with Christ), that home is where I need to be regardless of the outcome. I do not think that is where all mamas need to be but it was a very personal one.
i want to UC my next and after reading your story i am moved and thoughtful. thank you for posting it. thank you for your courage. thank you for birthing, loving, and honoring Ronan. I believe he is somewhere so beautiful, so brilliant, that he is so free in dance....a place that all our souls LONG to be.
|03-13-2005 09:43 PM|
|thismama||I am one of the 1500 who has lurked on this thread. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story about your birth and your son Ronan. I am sending you energy mama...|
|03-13-2005 09:38 PM|
Thank you for sharing your story with us. to you and your family.
|03-02-2005 02:46 PM|
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I too read your story and thought that there was nothing different that could have been done anywhere else, attended by anyone else.
"it's a lot easier to forgive yourself, IMO, than to forgive a "professional" for doing something that you might feel made things worse or whatever."
I agree. I also feel that it's easier to be angry at yourself, and at your decisions (*not* that the OP made any bad decisions, but I sure did in labor), than to be angry at some other person who interfered. The other person will NEVER care as much as you, and will never hear you or hear all you are saying. Ultimately, when someone is angry at self, they will hear themselves and be more OK than trying and trying to explain your feelings to another person.
So again, decisions made 100% by ones self are easier to live with than decisions made for you.
|03-02-2005 02:09 AM|
You're a very brave woman, and I admire you. I had my own partner tell me how angry he would be with me if I had my child at home unassisted and it died. I can't imagine how hard was to come to peace with yourself when there are others who blame you because they don't understand. Peace and love to you!
|03-01-2005 08:58 PM|
|mehndi mama||Yep, I agree - it's a lot easier to forgive yourself, IMO, than to forgive a "professional" for doing something that you might feel made things worse or whatever. My DH carried around a HUGE hatred of hospital/ambulance staff for a good 8 years after our baby died, because of the things done to the baby that appeared to DH to have made things worse. He just kept it all bottled up inside, and had a real hard time letting that go & forgiving them for their protocol. For me, I knew I had done everything that I could, and that the medical teams had done all that they were supposed to do. But it definitely was easier to forgive myself than it was to forgive the harsh treatment at the hospital.|
|03-01-2005 08:05 PM|
Blue Violet... I was responding to OP when she said "I am living with my decision and I still think it was the right one."
It seems that it is easier to live with decisions that you make for yourself rather than when someone else makes all the decisions for you.
|03-01-2005 07:45 PM|
"When you UC you live with the results of your own decisions, which are easier to live with."
I wonder if you would elaborate on how this seems so to you?
|03-01-2005 03:40 PM|
Thank you for sharing your story. It's an important one to be told.
You said it perfectly when you spoke of the responsibility it takes to UC. No matter where you give birth you have to live with the outcome of the decisions that are made. When you UC you live with the results of your own decisions, which are easier to live with.
CLR was right on about listening to your own instincts! The mom is always right!
Again, thank you!
|03-01-2005 05:44 AM|
Jen, My heart goes out to you and your family. What devastation you must have felt after losing your baby. You are so strong to have come and posted your story. I know it had to have been so hard for you to accept, and the guilt must have been maddening.
I just wanted to post and tell you that I, myself, almost died right after being born at home. I had the cord around my neck twice, and they didn't know until my head came out. If we had been at a hospital, they would have noticed the monitors going haywire and given my mom a c-section. Then apparently there were problems with the midwife who was there...she insisted that everything was ok, and did her best to unwrap me and to help deliver me (she was really there only to "be there" and take pics and stuff, my parents did all the work). Well someone called 911 and I was rushed by ambulence to the hospital, and then was airlifted to a childrens hospital in Fresno (200 miles away). I spent a couple of weeks in the NICU, but came out just fine, with no lasting effects. My fate could have been the same as your little angel's, and was very close to being so. There were so many "ifs", my mom told me. She did say that she herself had a feeling something wasn't right, but my dad and the midwife told her I was just fine. With this being said, this is the exaxt reason why all women should listen to their intuition. Intuition is a gift that should be used as much as possible. I know that your little angel was brought into your life for that short time to teach you something....there are reasons for everything. The higher power works in strange ways. Knowing this, I will consider having UC when I have another child. Thank you for sharing your story.
|02-24-2005 02:32 PM|
|Aurora||Thank you for sharing your story and sweet Ronan with us. Peace be with you.|
|02-24-2005 01:01 PM|
|Mom4tot||I am so sorry.|
|02-24-2005 12:57 PM|
Just wanted to post to say how healing it is for me to read that over 1,500 people have viewed this thread! I never imagined getting the support and heart-warming responses I have received, but I am so grateful for them! My intention was just to make sure that others were aware that the risks of UC are very real, not to get support, but again, it has been such a blessing and so healing to my soul. I don't know why I never expected it; it only seems logical since this is the Mothering site and all of our beautiful nurturing souls are on here sharing and learning and supporting each other.
I try to get on and check this thread at least once a day. I love to see the views # go up knowing that each one is another person who will be touched in some way by my story, even if they don't post anything. It's such a beautiful memorial to Ronan's memory to spread the story of his life and death and the meaning I have found in it to others. Sometimes reading the posts full of love, support and empathy just brings me to tears and I can smile thinking about all you lovely mamas out there holding me up with your thoughts. THANK YOU!!!
Tomorrow it will be 5 weeks since Ronan's death. It seems just yesterday and a lifetime ago at the same time. Life is moving on and I am starting to be directed down a different path for my future. I am opening myself and surrendering to the will of the universe(God); just trying to be receptive to all the subtle energies and catch the clues, IYKWIM. I believe that as long as I continue to learn from my experience and let it shape my future in a positive way, I will be doing exactly what Ronan wanted. He was a Divine messenger for me and I still feel his spirit surrounding me every day. I pray that he is watching and waiting for me to "get" everything so that I can move to a higher place in my life and maybe then he can come back to me. He has taught me through love and compassion to be a better person and a better mother and I know that is just the tip of the iceberg, really.
Much love to all of you and blessings on your paths,
|02-24-2005 12:29 PM|
Hugs to you and your family.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
love and blessings
|02-24-2005 12:13 PM|
|cottonwood||Jen, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story with us. It is so important to hear and talk about in the UC community. All your points are important and I agree. I'm not sure what else to say right now except that I appreciate your words so much, and thank you again.|
|02-23-2005 09:29 PM|
its ok to say some days that it was (is) too much to handle. it is bound to feel like that. if you're out of bed caring for your family you are doing more than ok. and if you need to stay in bed (or do whatever) to grieve you're also entitled to do that too. being strong is doing what you feel comes naturally i think.
|02-23-2005 04:43 AM|
|Chandar||peace for you and yours mama.|
|02-23-2005 01:34 AM|
|Lucky Charm||I am so very sorry|
|02-23-2005 01:28 AM|
|JodiM||I am so sorry for your loss.|
|02-21-2005 07:21 PM|
|Lucysmama||Thank you for sharing with us.|
|02-21-2005 02:55 PM|
I'm so sorry for your loss! You and your family are in my thoughts! - Laura
|02-20-2005 11:17 PM|
|02-20-2005 10:42 PM|
You are so incredibly strong! I know you wondered aloud about that in an earlier post, but surviving losing Ronan took strength... some people never make it past mere survival. But to survive... and to keep loving, to sort through it all, to learn from your heartbreak, to feel joy and gratefulness for what you were given, to share your memories of your son with others (some of us not much more than strangers!) and give us the chance to love him, mourn him, comfort you, learn from you and your son, and all of us the better for it... You can't tell ME that's not *STRENGTH*.
Jen, you and Ronan are truly inspirational. and lots of prayers!!
|02-20-2005 12:41 AM|
|rainbowmoon||Thank you for sharing your story|
|02-19-2005 04:51 PM|
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and beautiful supportive posts. I think of each one as a hug and a prayer and another memorial to my son's life and death and it makes me feel very happy to share that with all of you.
I have had friends and family tell me how Ronan's death has taught them lessons and made them realize things about their own lives and relationships and it is such a blessing to hear that! I know what a gift it has been for me, but to know that others are learning things and experiencing their lives from an altered perspective because of it makes it even more bearable. I find it beautifully poignant that positivity can be found even in the most heartbreaking tragedy. It gives me so much hope and helps me to understand the purpose behind his life and death on a very deep level.
The thought came to me, and I know that I have posted it in other places, but it's something that I feel that I must say again: It truly is a blessing to give birth to an angel!
One grateful mama,
|02-19-2005 01:46 PM|
oh Jen...I don't know what to say- I wish you peace and comfort- you truly are an amazing woman- I don't think I would be able to surrender to the will of the Universe so quickly and beautifully.
I saw your post on a thread that I started about the souls of our babies coming back and I have been thinking about you for some time now- I feel for you so much- always remember love finds a way back one way or another.
Bless you mama
|02-19-2005 01:29 PM|
OH MY - Mama Jen
I'm so sorry for your loss of baby Ronan
My heartfelt condolences.
The Angels & higher powers are now walking with him
Again, I'm so sorry & sending you & your family much love
|02-19-2005 01:17 PM|
|2boys2girls||Please accept a big hug and sincere condolensces on your loss. You are a wise and loving mother. Your child was created by One higher than yourself, and his birth was in the hands of the almighty. His life, however short, had a purpose. I send love and prayers for healing in your heart.|
|02-19-2005 12:57 PM|
I'm so sorry, mama, for the loss of Ronan. Thank you for sharing his story with us and your thoughts of reflection & healing. I wish you and your whole family peace.
|02-19-2005 12:05 PM|
sending you love.
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