Mothering Forums - Reply to Topic

Thread: dating a "sensitive" man Reply to Thread
Title:
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Trackback:
Send Trackbacks to (Separate multiple URLs with spaces) :
Post Icons
You may choose an icon for your message from the following list:
 

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



  Additional Options
Miscellaneous Options

  Topic Review (Newest First)
04-25-2011 02:47 PM
mimim
Quote:
Originally Posted by number572 View Post

I don't think calling someone a victim is helpful either, really.


I agree with this. I think we throw around the words "victim" and "abuser" much too easily. It grossly oversimplifies the matter. Flippantly calling anyone "psycho" isn't really acceptable either, but I think it's much more descriptive of this situation. This guy is clearly dangerous, manipulative, and, well, psycho, and has been for a long time. The OP is making bad choices in whom she allows in her life. Those two things are pretty different in severity.

I experienced something remarkably similar to the OP of this thread. I don't see myself as a victim, or him as my abuser. I was a willing participant and that is psycho. However, having someone call me psycho would not have been remotely helpful to me in extricating myself from the situation. It would have just convinced me even more that he was right about what he slowly convinced me to believe - that I was basically worthless and did nothing but cause problems and ruin things for everyone. So don't call me a victim, but don't call me a psycho either, although both are true on many levels.





But you can call him a psycho all you want. orngbiggrin.gif

04-25-2011 11:24 AM
AttunedMama

Quote:
Originally Posted by number572 View Post

I don't think calling someone a victim is helpful either, really.  It can make some people feel weaker than they are already feeling.  I see what Attuned is saying.  I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a while once.  And I didn't see it for what it was for most of the relationship, simply b'c it was everything I was told about myself while growing up in an emotionally and verbally abusive household.  "Everything wrong must be my fault right? b'c I'm so flawed, I know this b'c this is how I've always been treated." was my loop.

 

Getting to the point of being able to see that going within when things are just too frustrating, sad, or dangerous, in order to make the connection that it IS possible to build the courage and self worth to finally leave the relationship may take one person longer than another, but neither is psych or a victim.  Just someone who hasn't yet realized that they are worth a better situation.  And that they are strong enough to get out.  I'm not addressing someone who is with an extreme psychotic and is threatening your life if you leave.  I'm addressing people in abusive relationships and keep getting emotionally beat down but stay.  If someone is in a life threatening situation, I don't have direct experience with that, so I can't claim that I know how that feels.

 

Thank you. This is not the Warsaw Ghetto, she's not HIS victim. She has a role to play, which is taking care of herself. She is profoundly confused, so much so that she's risking her minor childrens' connection to life (their mother) to keep playing the game. That is her choice. I think 'psycho' is flippant, but fitting. And again, I don't have a problem to self-apply it either. I have talked here extensively about the Abuser in my past. I knew that I had to fix me. I didn't just go 'Oh, well, I guess I keep taking him on. I don't know what to do!!!!'. Well, I knew, like many here have told Darcy, exactly what to do: Cut contact, get to a therapist, read up on abuse. It really is that simple, as a starting place. And even if someone does just ONE of those three things, it's a start. The OP does not indicate interest in going to counseling, reading up, or cutting contact. Therefore, something wrong beyond this turd-dude's abusive tendencies is at play. The only person she has control of is herself, and she would rather spend time analyzing him, proving something to him, figuring out what wrong with HIM instead of what's wrong withIN. Writing three paragraphs about how jealous he is, how much he sucks, never saying 'Gosh, what do I need to do to fix me so I don't get hung up on this crap again?'

 

Probably, words like 'psycho' and 'victim' are both in need of constant review.
 

 

04-25-2011 11:07 AM
number572

I don't think calling someone a victim is helpful either, really.  It can make some people feel weaker than they are already feeling.  I see what Attuned is saying.  I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a while once.  And I didn't see it for what it was for most of the relationship, simply b'c it was everything I was told about myself while growing up in an emotionally and verbally abusive household.  "Everything wrong must be my fault right? b'c I'm so flawed, I know this b'c this is how I've always been treated." was my loop.

 

Getting to the point of being able to see that going within when things are just too frustrating, sad, or dangerous, in order to make the connection that it IS possible to build the courage and self worth to finally leave the relationship may take one person longer than another, but neither is psych or a victim.  Just someone who hasn't yet realized that they are worth a better situation.  And that they are strong enough to get out.  I'm not addressing someone who is with an extreme psychotic and is threatening your life if you leave.  I'm addressing people in abusive relationships and keep getting emotionally beat down but stay.  If someone is in a life threatening situation, I don't have direct experience with that, so I can't claim that I know how that feels.

04-25-2011 09:59 AM
AttunedMama


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


 


 

At this point, I say 'both'. If psycho is as psycho does, and  *IF* the OP is systematically unable/willing to take charge of her own life (even with support and others doing free therapy for her), then.....I may be going UAV in this, but I've got to call a spade a spade.

 

 

(ETA the ever-important word "if", which I did not mean to leave out in the first place).




You've never been involved with someone like this have you?

I have. It does make you crazy. I'm incredibly ashamed of how I allowed myself to be treated, for continuing with this person for as long as I did, for repeatedly allowing myself to be manipulated into reconciliations, and for being capable of caring about somebody with so little respect for me, but he is the one who created the situation. I failed to protect myself from it and participated in it with him, but I didn't instigate it. If you go back to the beginning of this thread, you will see that it's the same story for the OP, who needs support and not name calling.
 


Yes, I have, I talk about it a lot on this thread. I don't consider it 'name calling' to acknowledge a psychotic break. I don't think I could be misconstrued as stating that her changing her behavior could change him, make him sane. She does have a choice to remain within the psychosis, the crazy, the madness, whatever you want to call it. She does have the power to get to work on figuring out what is wrong within, what vulnerabilities she posesses (probably none of which are her 'fault'). That is how to actually heal, to reinforce and redefine life so that being roadkill to dudes like this is no longer an option.

 

I don't think endless divisions ("He's psycho, She's not") are necessarily serviceable.They are both seriously messed up, in different ways that create a mega-fused coin of double-sided crazy coin.  I don't need to convince any of y'all to agree, I see what I see and it's just one way of interpreting the events that have been described. I don't involve some bad-girl stamp in this; I've been psycho for psycho-puffs too, and I still love myself anyway.

 

04-24-2011 08:04 PM
enjoythesilence

Quote:
Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post




 

 

One of the biggest reasons women never ask for help is because they are ashamed, and they fear the judgments cast when they make known whats happening. To be judged as weak or wrong for someone else's behavior is simply intolerable.  It's no different than blaming the rape victim for wearing a skirt or being out after dark. It is not now and never will be, her fault that this man is behaving badly. 

 



This. The abuser wants the victim to feel ashamed, and that it is all somehow her fault.  That is one of the main reasons I stuck around with my abuser for as long as I did. I felt some responsibility for his craziness and rages. It took a while, but for the most part, I know better now. I wish the OP well, and hope that she is safe. 

 

04-24-2011 06:43 PM
Super~Single~Mama

Quote:
Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post


It's very complicated to try to understand how women end up in these situations.  I know that from the outside looking in, you can't fathom why someone would stay and keep being drawn back in, but it happens to savvy, intelligent, strong women  every. single. day.  It isn't because they are desperate, and it isn't because they have done something wrong.  We can not further victimize people like this, we need to place the blame firmly where it lies, and that is solely in the hands of the abuser.

 

 

 

To the bolded - SO RIGHT!  Domestic violence is the ONE thing that spans ALL socio-economic classes, ALL races, ALL cultures, ALL education levels, ALL professions - every single woman out there is at risk for domestic violence.  ALL of them.  I was in law school, dating a law student, when I was abused.  Of all people, of all places.  It happens to people in every type of situation.
 

 

04-24-2011 06:38 PM
mimim
Quote:
Originally Posted by insidevoice View Post

to blame the victim simply supports the abuser's statements that if the victim was only different/better, he wouldn't have to be this way.  

The whole post is great, but I want this repeated.
04-24-2011 05:53 PM
insidevoice

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


 


 

At this point, I say 'both'. If psycho is as psycho does, and  *IF* the OP is systematically unable/willing to take charge of her own life (even with support and others doing free therapy for her), then.....I may be going UAV in this, but I've got to call a spade a spade.

 

 

(ETA the ever-important word "if", which I did not mean to leave out in the first place).




You've never been involved with someone like this have you?

I have. It does make you crazy. I'm incredibly ashamed of how I allowed myself to be treated, for continuing with this person for as long as I did, for repeatedly allowing myself to be manipulated into reconciliations, and for being capable of caring about somebody with so little respect for me, but he is the one who created the situation. I failed to protect myself from it and participated in it with him, but I didn't instigate it. If you go back to the beginning of this thread, you will see that it's the same story for the OP, who needs support and not name calling.
 


It's very complicated to try to understand how women end up in these situations.  I know that from the outside looking in, you can't fathom why someone would stay and keep being drawn back in, but it happens to savvy, intelligent, strong women  every. single. day.  It isn't because they are desperate, and it isn't because they have done something wrong.  We can not further victimize people like this, we need to place the blame firmly where it lies, and that is solely in the hands of the abuser.

 

It takes time to realize that the pattern IS a pattern, you keep seeing the good person- and you know we all have a bad day here or there.  Abusers manipulate everything, they undermine any strength a victim has, they are crazy-making.  Fir anyone to blame the victim simply supports the abuser's statements that if the victim was only different/better, he wouldn't have to be this way. 

 

For people so completely disempowered, it is just as bad when the people wanting to help tell her they know her life better than she does.  We can tell her what we see, and we can tell her we will be here when she is ready to make decisions, but to judge her for this situation is completely unacceptable. 

 

One of the biggest reasons women never ask for help is because they are ashamed, and they fear the judgments cast when they make known whats happening. To be judged as weak or wrong for someone else's behavior is simply intolerable.  It's no different than blaming the rape victim for wearing a skirt or being out after dark. It is not now and never will be, her fault that this man is behaving badly. 

 

04-24-2011 05:45 PM
Super~Single~Mama

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post


You've never been involved with someone like this have you?

I have. It does make you crazy.


Oh man, it made me so crazy I didn't know which was up let alone down!  It's a cycle thats incredibly hard to break, and on average it takes a woman 7 TIMES to leave an abusive relationship permanently.  7.  Thats ALOT of times, and really is indicative of how crazy making the cycle is I think.  It's really hard to see someone go through it, and not blame them, b/c on the outside its so obvious - but when you're in the middle of it everything is so unclear.  It's so hard to see whats going on, and so hard to understand why abusers act the way they do - b/c it doesn't make sense!  It's as though they are completely inhuman. 

 

I don't blame the OP though - she is not the one creating the abusive cycle, its her (hopefully) ex boyfriend.  Blaming the victim is also one way that society unintentionally perpetuates the cycle of abuse.  Instead of getting angry with the abuser, people get angry with the victim for putting up with his crap.  It's a pretty human response, but the more human response would be to get angry with the abuser so that they know they can't get away with what they're doing. 

04-24-2011 05:28 PM
mimim
Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post


 


 

At this point, I say 'both'. If psycho is as psycho does, and  *IF* the OP is systematically unable/willing to take charge of her own life (even with support and others doing free therapy for her), then.....I may be going UAV in this, but I've got to call a spade a spade.

 

 

(ETA the ever-important word "if", which I did not mean to leave out in the first place).


You've never been involved with someone like this have you?

I have. It does make you crazy. I'm incredibly ashamed of how I allowed myself to be treated, for continuing with this person for as long as I did, for repeatedly allowing myself to be manipulated into reconciliations, and for being capable of caring about somebody with so little respect for me, but he is the one who created the situation. I failed to protect myself from it and participated in it with him, but I didn't instigate it. If you go back to the beginning of this thread, you will see that it's the same story for the OP, who needs support and not name calling.

04-24-2011 02:12 PM
AttunedMama


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by lmorin01 View Post

?? You mean him or her or both?




Him. Him. He's the psycho.

Or at least I think so based on only having heard her side of the story.


 

At this point, I say 'both'. If psycho is as psycho does, and  *IF* the OP is systematically unable/willing to take charge of her own life (even with support and others doing free therapy for her), then.....I may be going UAV in this, but I've got to call a spade a spade.

 

 

(ETA the ever-important word "if", which I did not mean to leave out in the first place).

04-22-2011 07:20 AM
mimim
Quote:
Originally Posted by lmorin01 View Post

?? You mean him or her or both?


Him. Him. He's the psycho.

Or at least I think so based on only having heard her side of the story.
04-22-2011 06:18 AM
lmorin01

?? You mean him or her or both?

04-21-2011 04:39 AM
GranoLLLy-girl

Psycho is as psycho does.  Amen.

04-20-2011 11:57 AM
DanishMom

Me too! I keep looking for an update. OP, I hope you and your kids are safe.

04-20-2011 10:40 AM
lmorin01

Still no word? Hmmmm, very worried.

04-15-2011 09:41 AM
Lucy Alden

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spring Lily View Post

even if you're back with him or things have gotten worse. We are here for you either way.
 


This is so important.  Abusers want us to feel ashamed and cut off from support.  We are here and will remain here.  We have your back.

04-15-2011 09:29 AM
Phoenix~Mama

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post





I know. Me too. :( I hope she's okay.

 

We really should make this thread a sticky for others to find who are dealing with the same kind of situation.




We should, because it's all too common.


I'm afraid that I know very well (from experience) why she's not updating us. greensad.gif


I sadly have to agree...  I'm worried too... and yeah... I know when I would get wishy washy with my situation with ex... I wouldn't always post, because in the back of my mind, I knew.  I knew the whole situation was messed up... and yes, I was totally embarassed to have stayed and made excuses for so long. 

 

If you are still reading Darcy... please know there is NO SHAME!  We are here to support you and help uncloud your mind.  So many of us have gone through what you have.

 

*hugs*  Hope you are doing okay. 
 

 

04-15-2011 09:26 AM
Spring Lily
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy Alden View Post

Darcytrue, just know we are here rooting for you.  Come back when you can.  There is no shame here, just loving concern.

Just thought this deserves repeating.

Darcy, I hope you don't feel ashamed or embarrassed, even if you're back with him or things have gotten worse. We are here for you either way.

04-15-2011 09:18 AM
Petronella

Quote:
Originally Posted by AttunedMama View Post



 

I agree with all of that...I just feel that Darcytrue needs to say it's ok first.
 

 

 

This is a public message board.  Darcytrue doesn't own the thread, and she's totally anonymous anyway.  I agree with the PP that the discussion in this thread contains very important info, and should be read, in its present order, by as many women as possible.
 

 

04-15-2011 05:32 AM
AttunedMama

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy Alden View Post




Especially since this thread so clearly shows the pattern of abuse and manipulation that women encounter.  Its just so textbook :(

 

Darcytrue, just know we are here rooting for you.  Come back when you can.  There is no shame here, just loving concern.

 

I agree with all of that...I just feel that Darcytrue needs to say it's ok first.
 

 

04-14-2011 12:29 PM
Lucy Alden

Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post

I think reading this thread has more impact than just reading organized info. JMO


Especially since this thread so clearly shows the pattern of abuse and manipulation that women encounter.  Its just so textbook :(

 

Darcytrue, just know we are here rooting for you.  Come back when you can.  There is no shame here, just loving concern.

04-14-2011 12:14 PM
bananabee

I think reading this thread has more impact than just reading organized info. JMO

04-14-2011 10:54 AM
AttunedMama

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimim View Post



Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post





I know. Me too. :( I hope she's okay.

 

We really should make this thread a sticky for others to find who are dealing with the same kind of situation.




We should, because it's all too common.


I'm afraid that I know very well (from experience) why she's not updating us. greensad.gif

I vote we start a brand new thread with the same info, non-specific to any individual.

 

04-14-2011 05:59 AM
mimim
Quote:
Originally Posted by bananabee View Post





I know. Me too. :( I hope she's okay.

 

We really should make this thread a sticky for others to find who are dealing with the same kind of situation.


We should, because it's all too common.


I'm afraid that I know very well (from experience) why she's not updating us. greensad.gif
04-13-2011 03:28 PM
bananabee

I just looked at her posts, and she wrote some on 4/2/11, so hopefully she just forgot to update us.

04-13-2011 03:25 PM
bananabee

Quote:
Originally Posted by lmorin01 View Post

I'm worried :(



I know. Me too. :( I hope she's okay.

 

We really should make this thread a sticky for others to find who are dealing with the same kind of situation.

04-13-2011 11:28 AM
lmorin01

I'm worried :(

04-13-2011 08:29 AM
AttunedMama

Hope Darcy is OK and too busy enjoying a happy, healthy spring to deal with the internet.

04-11-2011 01:06 AM
NannyMcPhee

Any word?

This thread has more than 30 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off