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  Topic Review (Newest First)
03-08-2014 01:49 AM
lizmen60 I know that the original post was back in 2011 but I have been searching the Internet and this is the only thing I have found that is somewhat similar to my situation. I lost my healthy mum last month, she was 53 and just died in her sleep. The autopsy found nothing and her death certificate had unknown cause of death. I just don't understand how this could have happened. I'm still in shock and I don't know if knowing how my mum died will help me in any way. I'm telling myself that it will as we are currently waiting on blood test's to cone back but they take 10-12 WEEKS. I just thought I'd share as it is comforting (not the right word to use but I can't think) to know I'm not alone in losing my mum like this. all the other things I have found have been cancer forums. thanks
02-20-2014 10:44 AM
Sheepdoc It does not get better. The better days/moments slowly start to become more frequent but this loss and all it's sadness is forever.
You may benefit from either herbal or pharmaceutical medication as a crutch for a short time, especially as you have a small child who needs you.
One idea is to put a number on your calendar every night rating the day 1-4. After several weeks it may help to look back and see how the bad days get less frequent over time.

There are stages to grief and everyone needs to work through them in their own time. That said, children are sensitive to the emotions around them and need son cushioning from such overwhelming grief as you describe. A professional counselor might help.

Sorry for your loss.
09-22-2012 12:31 PM
mar123

It has been a year since the OP, and I want to say that I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mother 6 and half years ago. While she had health problems, it was still a shock. She went to sleep one night, and she did not wake up. She lost her home in Hurricane Katrina, rebuilt, moved in January of 2006 and died two months later. It was the first time in her life she had all new, nice things. I still think it was the stress of the storm that hastened her death. almost seven years later, and I still pick up the phone to call her. I was her only child, so everything fell to me to deal with, all the decisions to make, etc. My parents were divorced when I was a year old, so my dad wasn't interested in my grieving. He didn't even come to the service, which upset me because I see services as for the living as much as for the deceased. It breaks my heart that my kids won't have the same memories of her that I have of my grandmothers, who are so special to me.

 

It gets easier, but it never gets easy. Hugs to all who are suffering with loss.

09-21-2012 10:37 AM
DancinTulip

I am very sorry for anyone's loss of their mother who was also their best friend. I am in the same situation only I lost my mom and her best friend(my second mom) 9 months ago in a car accident. 

 

The feelings of it not being real are still very strong for me. My mom and her best friend were huge travellers and I often think they are just on a long trip somewhere. 

 

I did not meet my grandmother as she choked to death when my mom was younger. I cannot believe that my children will not meet the most amazing woman in my life. She was my best friend too. 

 

I find that the hardest part of my day is falling asleep as this is the time when my mind reflects and goes through everything and of course so many things remind me of my mom, are linked to her, someone mentioned her, I sat and looked at pictures for a bit etc. It all comes to ahead at night and sometimes I cry myself to sleep. 

 

Having key support people has been good, but dealing with the pain and emotions myself at my own speed has really helped. We are hoping to become pregnant soon and I want to make sure I am not going to be a hormonal basketcase so I am seeking counselling so I dont confuse the emotions and then have heavy post partum. 

 

"No one can tell you HOW to grieve or how LONG you can grieve for." - Best advice I have received.

 

I will grieve for the rest of my life because of this loss. M\y dad has other ideas and thought I should have been moving on in March. Glad he doesnt live near me. That could have been a disaster. 

 

Take care, we are all here together. I am so glad to have found this community. 

 

Hugs

09-07-2012 04:27 PM
Paul Jones

It broke my heart to read your post...I lost my mum 3 months ago we were not very close but some times that makes it worse. I would give anything for one more day......I should have gone up to see her the day she died suddenly....but was tired.  My mum was a very young 73....What Im trying to say is she will always be with you...I am the same age as your mum and have a daughter your age...I would be devastated if she felt as you do.if anything happened to me, your child will know her just look for the signs.Make her proud you will see her smile and hear her laugh in you and your children. The pain will ease and one day you will think of her and smile. she didn't want to leave you her body was weak..keep talking to her in your mind and let her give you strength.......this life is hard but one day we will be with our loved ones again. Look after yourself and the children thats what she would want..xx.

09-07-2012 04:18 PM
Paul Jones

It broke my heart to read your post...I lost my mum 3 months ago we were not very close but some times that makes it worse. I would give anything for one more day......I should have gone up to see her the day she died suddenly....but was tired.  My mum was a very young 73....What Im trying to say is she will always be with you...I am the same age as your mum and have a daughter your age...I would be devastated if she felt as you do.if anything happened to me, your child will know her just look for the signs.Make her proud you will see her smile and hear her laugh in you and your children. The pain will ease and one day you will think of her and smile. she didn't want to leave you her body was weak..keep talking to her in your mind and let her give you strength.......this life is hard but one day we will be with our loved ones again. Look after yourself and the children thats what she would want..xx.

09-03-2012 12:11 PM
kerrieberry I'm so sorry for your loss. Im 35 years old and my Mam aged 58 died suddenly in march of a brain hemerrage. Its deverstating.....my mam was very fit and extremely healthy which makes it seem so much more unfair. In time you learn to live with pain but its extremely difficult.
08-14-2012 10:57 AM
closedaccount15 I am very sorry for your loss. My father died from a "heart attack at the age of 59. I was 23. That was 17 years ago. My mother choose not to do a full autopsy for religious reasons so if there was a hereditary issie we will never know what it was. My best friend lost her mom the same way. She was on vacaction like my dad was too and said she felt dizzy and died within minutes. They said heart attack too. She was a little older but still in good health. This is a lot to deal with... but it does get not as painful. I did go to free Hospice grief support groups which helped. Please feel free to contact me. I know the pain...I know for the first few years I was numb...the first few months I retreated into video games and barely left the house. Give yourself plenty of time.
08-11-2012 11:32 PM
prayersformymom

I am so sorry for your loss.  I too lost my mother last November very suddenly so I know the shock and disbelief of it all.  She was 68 but was very vibrant, working and young at heart.  It's been nearly a year after my mom's passing but there is not a day that I don't think about her.  I am better able to control my emotions now but it is still very hard for me to comprehend that I will not see her during this lifetime and that I won't see her enjoy my young children (and my children, in turn, will not experience the all encompassing love of my mom).   My mom was my greatest fan and she believed in me more than anyone on earth.  She was the only person around who I can be completely me without fear of judgement.  It still crushes me when I think of how I failed her these past few years by not being very present in her life.  I do believe (and know in my heart) that she is with me in spirit and that I will see her in heaven.

01-15-2012 08:36 PM
lmandulak

i am so sorry for your loss. i too just lost my mom on 12-20-11 so sudden, so unexpected. a perfectly healthy woman. one minute there, the next gone. i can't handle the pain. i am unable to accept what has happened. i too lost not only my mom but must best friend. i feel so desperate, i am trapped in a nightmare and i don't know how to move on.

11-26-2011 04:46 PM
becoming I just wanted to say I am so incredibly sorry. This is a tragedy. You will be in my prayers. hug.gif
10-17-2011 07:03 PM
tremama

1sttimemama,

 

Hope things are getting better for you. I too lost my mother unexpectedly- on January 9th of this year (massive heart attack). I lost my grandmother, uncle, and mother (in that order)  in an 18 month period- basically the entire maternal side of my family is gone. I feel an empty void within me, and today while my child was home sick, I realized how much I missed my mom and really wanted to pick up the phone to call her. I wish I could say it "gets easier" but in truth, it doesn't.  As time moves on you will learn to adjust to the "new normal", but in the end she will always be in your memories. I still think about my mom at least once a day- sometimes I laugh, other times I cry- but everything you are feeling is normal.  Thank you for sharing, and don't forget to lean on your supports!! Hugs to you  (((  )))

10-10-2011 09:00 PM
1stTimeMama4-4-10

Thank you for your words BellaDream, and I am so so sorry for your loss. I have to say that the pain I feel after losing my mother is manageable now.  If I lost my 18 month old, I don't know how I would go on living. 

10-10-2011 08:24 PM
xxBellaDreamxx

I am truly sorry for your loss. I didn't lose my mother but I lost my two year old son unexpectedly in february so I understand the pain that it causes especially when there is no logical explanation to be seen. I hope the medical examiner can find an answer for you, so atleast you can recieve some kind of peace and accept the loss  as difficult as it is..

10-06-2011 05:07 PM
Shakti77

so sorry for your loss!! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

10-04-2011 05:38 PM
DaughterOfKali

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent hurts so badly.  How are you doing?  

10-03-2011 12:36 PM
ananas I just wanted to say I am so sorry. My mother passed away very suddenly, with absolutely no warning, 4 years ago at age 55. She had asthma, also, but hadn't ever known because it hadn't given her any trouble.

Anyway, I just couldn't read this and not post...I know what it's like to lose a mom. It still affects me every day. I'm not going to say it gets easier, but it does get easier to handle the sad times. I hope you have a lot of love and support around you right now. *hugs*
09-29-2011 07:44 PM
CI Mama

Thank you for checking in with us.

 

Yes, nights are really hard. I remember that from after my mom's death. During the day there are chores and tasks that carry you along and pull you through. But when that's done...nights are hard.

 

The only time I ever took medications to help me sleep were in the months following my mom's death. My partner & I separated for awhile during that period, so there were many things going on. But I really needed to know that I could turn my brain off through sleep, and I needed help with that. Valerien worked well for me, but you have to be careful with it because it can be harmful to use it for awhile and then suddenly stop using it.

 

I just want to send you more hugs, mama. What you are dealing with is so very hard. hug2.gif

09-29-2011 07:20 PM
Funny Face

I'm so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. greensad.gif

09-29-2011 05:32 PM
Olives I am so very sorry. I too lost my mother at theage of 47 to a long fight with cancer. I was 26 when she passed. It was so very hard and still is at times. As hard as it was watching her slowlynlose her life, I'm thankful I had time to prepare myself on some level. I can't imagin your situation...

I remember some telling me it would get easier with time and back then I wanted ton punch them in the face. Now I understand what they meant... It will never be easy but in time you will learn to live your life with the cloud of grief on your shoulders a bit better but, it will never go away.

I'm thin inking of you and will remember you in my prayers, if that is ok.

09-29-2011 03:06 PM
1stTimeMama4-4-10

I'm ok.  My family flew in from all over the whole country and stayed here with me until Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.  It was VERY hard to see them all leave because it felt like they were all going back to their normal lives, while I never will again. It was also VERY hard to watch my aunt and her daughters together because I just cannot believe that I won't ever be able to just BE with my mom ever again.  My brother is here but he is leaving tonight or tomorrow to return to his life.  My mind is doing weird things that I have no control over like coming up with alternative explanations for why my mother isn't here - like she went for a trip around the world, or she retired to Mexico, or was abducted by aliens.  Every night I go to sleep hoping that it is all a dream and that when I wake up in the morning, it is last week again and none of this ever happened. Sometimes it feels like it all happened to another person and I am just helping my friend through a hard time.  It seems to be better during the day but by the time night rolls around I feel my insides twist and I struggle just to hold myself together and not run around breaking things and screaming like a crazy person.  Everything I see and hear makes me think of her, things she liked, things we did together.  Things I won't ever be able to do with her again. 

 

So yea. I'm ok, but I have a very long road ahead of me.  I will probably seek out some professional grief counseling and/or an individual therapist this week or next.  Thank you for your replies.  

 

Oh, and no word from the medical examiner yet. 

09-28-2011 10:58 AM
CI Mama

How are you doing, OP? Just checking in to see.

09-26-2011 02:26 AM
babygirlie

I feel  your pain. I also lost my mother and it's nothing like csi or some medical show whatever. They only do autopsy if there is blatant evidence of foul play else wise they don't care. I would have had to pay for the autopsy which was over a grand and I knew I didn't have a dime. Her stupid disgusting doctor wrote she died of being fat basically. uh HOW insulting. It makes me ILL to know that is on her death certificate. promise you he never checked her out once. He said Since she was fat she had fatty liver disease and that's why she died suddenly for no reason? She was warm and went to sit out in the front yard where it was cool and just died for NO reason at all. Yes she did have a HEREDITARY liver disease. She never smoked nor drank. Wouldn't even take advil since it can harm the liver and she never did again after dx. While she was chubby she was by no means obese. She had been the same weight for 40 years under 200. Her last liver biopsy was awesome and looked great. She did NOT die from being overweight nor from her liver. That jerk just wrote a whatever explanation. he didn't give a rat's behind about her. I became pregnant a month later. I will never have that motherly advice.. she will never meet my child. I have no one to talk to now when I am at my wit's end like now. I have no real help. I need my mom more than I need air. I was also 32 at the time. It's been over 2 years and it hurts just as bad as it ever did. I don't think you ever get over something like this.. especially when you need someone so bad. And then people try to commiserate.. my aunt whined she lost her mom too. uh your mom died at 95.. your kids were 50. NO you have NO fcking idea what it's like to be me. your mom's GREAT grandkids are now pregnant. So yes she will miss out on her great great grandkids and that's tragic but nothing compared to how I feel.

09-25-2011 09:19 PM
isisreturning

I am so sorry for your loss. My beloved mother-in-law died the same way earlier this summer. She simply fell over dead in her front yard and the autopsy provided no answers. We will never know why she died, and like you said, it almost doesn't matter. She's gone and we miss her like crazy and no answer would take away the pain of her absence. She was the backbone of our family, in all the best ways. We are coping, we are managing, we are moving forward. But we miss her. So very much.

 

I can relate to that feeling of pretending that it isn't true, and pushing away the reality when it comes too close. 

 

It's just a very sorrowful time, and will continue to be.

09-23-2011 05:00 PM
shayinme

hug2.gif I am so sorry for your loss.

09-23-2011 10:32 AM
Caneel

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4-4-10 View Post

Thank you for your replies.  I actually have a really supportive group of wonderful friends that I am SO SO SO thankful for right now.  Things still haven't really sunken in yet.  Sometimes it feels real then it flits away again and it seems like it is happening to someone else and that I am not the one who lost their mom. When reality gets too close I want to run away and throw up. We took care of the funeral arrangements today and then I had a massive fight with my stepfather whom I have not seen or spoken to in 7 years because he was abusive when I was a teenager and then fell back into his pattern when I was an adult and I had to set boundaries. Doing better now, but I am so sick over this I don't know how it will ever get better.


Friends of ours experienced a similar loss, the wife (young, healthly) passed away while the kids were at school.  The husband says he is experiencing short-term memory loss and at times, feels like he is functioning in some sort of alternative life where his wife is still alive. 

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  My dad passed away in January and I lurk here from time to time.
 

 

09-22-2011 06:54 PM
1stTimeMama4-4-10

Thank you for your replies.  I actually have a really supportive group of wonderful friends that I am SO SO SO thankful for right now.  Things still haven't really sunken in yet.  Sometimes it feels real then it flits away again and it seems like it is happening to someone else and that I am not the one who lost their mom. When reality gets too close I want to run away and throw up. We took care of the funeral arrangements today and then I had a massive fight with my stepfather whom I have not seen or spoken to in 7 years because he was abusive when I was a teenager and then fell back into his pattern when I was an adult and I had to set boundaries. Doing better now, but I am so sick over this I don't know how it will ever get better.

09-22-2011 01:22 PM
Carson

I'm so sorry for your loss.

09-22-2011 01:02 PM
CI Mama

I am so sorry. greensad.gif

 

My mom died at the age of 52 after a long battle with cancer. It is not easy to lose a mom, no matter what age you are or how she goes. But I think the sudden nature of your mom's death is really hard. Good for you for pushing for an autopsy. Better understanding of what happened will be an important part of integrating this new reality into your life.

 

Be kind to yourself. It is hard to face such a sudden loss of someone so dear to you. My heart breaks for you & your LO that a grandmother is lost...and I totally relate. Every day I wish my mom were here to enjoy my DD.

 

Do you have a support network that you can tap into to help you cope? A spiritual community, a therapist, a close network of friends, siblings that you trust? As reality sinks in, you have some rough days ahead of you. Please don't face them alone. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

grouphug.gif

09-22-2011 11:56 AM
applecider hug.gif

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
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