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  Topic Review (Newest First)
04-14-2012 04:20 PM
purplerose

push it waaaay down! lol i am kidding...you just have to hurt and get over it with time. i know it must be ripping out your heart :( i am a tobacco smoker, which helps me deal with things(i don't condone or encourage smoking...just stating a fact). i stopped hurting myself years ago. it was a decision and hard to stick to, but i did it. i am so lucky my best friend is a counselor and my other best friend majored in psych.

04-13-2012 04:13 PM
Mom31

just found out that going to school in lousiana is not the only reason he is moving- there is a woman there.  One he has worked with and known for years- they are pretty serious already it seems- pictures on facebook- she drove 9 hours to be with him last weekend and his dd.  She is very cute and trendy and I am heartbroke- how do you handle these things?

04-13-2012 03:25 PM
mi_amor Hi everyone, I just wanted to join this thread too, as I think I may have BPD or something. I have not be diagnosed yet because I was afraid to ask my doctor to see a phychiatrist, but I made an appt for next week.

I was an intense introvert as a child, very moody as a teen and still am. My parents were super strict, I was a perfectionist and still am about some things. I also grew up in a super fundamental religion and believed that reality up until 2 years ago. I realized my whole life had kind of been a lie, and that I don't even know what is true or what isn't anymore.

After I had my first child I had PPD, and after my last child I had crazy anxiety and rage. I would freak out at DH over little things and have a difficult time controlling my anger. We spiraled into a crazy mess and finally went to counseling a few months ago.

Staying home for the past 4 years, I've felt trapped inside my head, and zone out by going on the computer. I feel like I can't be a good Mother and give my children the attention I would like to. I have difficulty functioning, cleaning the house, making meals, etc. my youngest will start preschool in the fall, and I hope I can get him ready and there on time! I functioned way better before I had children, and had a routine.

One of the things that made me wonder if I had BPD is my love/hate relationship with people. Even for family members, I feel like I love them, or I don't, and those feelings swing from one to the other...there is no happy medium. I also fear abandonment and sometimes reject or hurt people before they hurt me. There are very few people I let into my world. During one of our last fights I screamed at DH to get out, and when he started to leave I begged him to stay and felt like I was having an out of body experience which was really weird.

Not sure if any of this might sound like BPD or not, but I just wanted to share. My marriage counselor recommended a book for my called The High Conflict Couple, I think it is DBT. I started doing the exercises, but stopped. My goal is to look into it again.

04-13-2012 03:07 PM
mi_amor
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

Well- my boyfriend and I broke up- he is moving to Louisiana and man- this sucks.   it had nothing to do with me- but I am going back on my meds- I feel like the world is crumbling around me.

Its terrible.  I can't function very well and I am tired of life not working well.  I have a friend coming over and helping some- but ugh.


I'm sorry you must be going through a difficult time right now. I hope you are feeling well soon, and take things a day at a time.
04-13-2012 03:02 PM
mi_amor
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gator-mom View Post

To anyone..

 

Looking back on your life, when do you think some of your "odd" behaviors started?

 

I am realizing that i had some strange associations with pain early on.  For instance, when I would get a loose tooth, I would push and push on it until it would tear out.  I would go from barely loose to out of my mouth in 24 hours.  I don't think I've ever felt pain the same as other people...


This is interesting. I liked the pain in my mouth when I had braces having braces, and would purposely bite my teeth to make it hurt. The other day I also noticed I keep sticking my fingernail in my gum that is sore because I like the feeling. Maybe I should bring that up with my therapist!
04-09-2012 08:04 AM
Mom31

Well- my boyfriend and I broke up- he is moving to Louisiana and man- this sucks.   it had nothing to do with me- but I am going back on my meds- I feel like the world is crumbling around me.

Its terrible.  I can't function very well and I am tired of life not working well.  I have a friend coming over and helping some- but ugh.

02-13-2012 05:27 PM
Gator-mom

Lets see...daily stress.  As weird as it sounds, when I'm busy, I feel less stressed.  I get more worked up when I have time to think.  Right now I'm in my last semester of nursing school, so my life is just basically jumping from one thing to the next.  I barely sit down to rest and then I just collapse in bed and fall into unconsciousness..lol.  I think routines help, like doing the same every night before bed or in the morning when I get up.  I journal occassionally and use a lot of distraction techniques.  So getting into a good book helps and watching funny movies.  Exercise helps when I have time.  I like cardio stuff, where I can zone out and burn off energy at the same time.

 

The finger labyrinths I have just googled them and found some free printables.  When I'm in a crisis, I like to trace the lines with a marker.  It gives my hands something to do while my mind can chill out.  

 

I'm not on any benzo's right now.  I do pretty well with an SSRI or even St. Johns Wort goes a long way with me. I find that maintenance management really minimizes my acute anxiety.  I think that benzo's are helpful to have around for acute anxiety attacks, but they can be very addictive, which is why a lot of prescribers shy away I think.  Something that has helped take the edge off when I had no insurance was Kava root.  I got a tincture and just but a dropper full under my toungue.  Tastes terrible, but it can help me catch a breath sometimes.

 

I hope that helps a little.  I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time.  Maybe sit down and make a list of things you enjoy.  Or think about some affirmations.  I have made positive message bracelets and written things on my mirror, like "gratitude" to help me remeber the positives in my life.  Try to find something that gives you happiness and focus on that as much as you can.  Find a positive outlet for your energy and emotions.  Sometimes a different perspective on life can go a long way.  This Jan, I made a vision board with a lot of messages that lean towards letting anger go and allowing peace into my life.  I put it by my bed and look at it every day.  

 

((hugs)) Mama

 

02-13-2012 05:52 AM
Mom31

Oh and do you take a benzo? I have extreme anxiety and my psychiatrist does not give them to anyone- at all. -  I quit seeing her and going to just get my meds thru my dr so I think I am going to see about getting them from him or going to another psychiatrist.  It's a vicious cycle- I can't go to the dr cause my anxiety is so bad- dr won't give me anything for my anxiety- I feel I was not being properly treated.

What are you feelings about them?

02-13-2012 05:49 AM
Mom31

Please talk to me about your coping skills how you handle stress on a daily basis.... mine are not working for me. I try self talk and basically I just shut down and escape which is not working for me....

I feel like I really need to work on a new skill to be able to function properly.

02-12-2012 06:29 PM
Mom31

Right now I am freaking out about my house being a disaster- the kids make such messes I just can't keep up- I had a friend coming in to help me once a week but she is not feeling well- she is disabled and unable to help. I am barking orders at dd now to clean up her own mess or go to bed but I am just getting arguments- and ready to lose it.  I can't handle the chaos...I am not doing well. My mom was going to come but then I felt a little better and she asked if she could just come later in the month- wish I had said no now... anyhow-

To soothe- I lock myself in my room- I stay detached most of the time- I smoke too many ciggerettes- I take a bath sometimes- but mostly I just use avoidance and turtleing...( DBT skill) to deal with anything remotely stressful. I feel like I am at the end of a very frayed rope right now.....

02-12-2012 04:34 PM
Gator-mom

How are you doing now Mom31?  What are some things that work as self-soothing for you?

 

This is maybe a good question for everyone..I'm wondering what other BPD's do for self soothing for both moderate anxieties and crisis?

 

The only things I've found that work for me is occassionally a funny show or movie or a good book for moderate anxiety

For a crisis, finger labrynths can help a little, but I usually feel at a loss for what to do with all that rage.

02-08-2012 10:17 PM
Mom31

I am adopted... this is my adoptive mom I am referring to.  Yes she is one of my main triggers- but I need her right now.

I am doing better tonight... and she is not going to come for a few weeks now.

 

02-08-2012 06:56 PM
Gator-mom

Is your mom one of your abandonment triggers?

02-08-2012 05:59 AM
Mom31

MY mom is coming to help... I feel like everything is unraveling.  I have been asking her to come for over a month but she just kept puttin it off... this was our agreement when I got my kids- that they would come once a month- they have not been here since christmas.  this always happens when they do not come... I know I should be an adult and be able to handle this all but I can't. I am a single mom with a son with issues himself... I feel like I am about to lose everything.

02-07-2012 07:11 PM
Gator-mom

Sorry, Mama :(.  I don't really have any great advice for you.  Sometimes, just sitting out those impulses helps me.  If I remember they are going to pass most likely, then it can calm down.  If it doesn't, then I'll do something about it!  Or maybe, sit down and make a plan to get back on your meds and exercise.  My DH likes to plan stuff like that out, and it seems to help him out a lot.  It at least makes him feel like he's doing something proactive.

02-06-2012 01:26 PM
Mom31

I am not having a good day. I went to clean a house and could not even finish it. So I filled out some job applications online- impulsive much?

UGH... I don't know where to turn or what to do.  I don't see how I can work a real job anymore- I did it back in the fall and I did well at it- but the hours were to hard with the kids.  I am scared to try scared not to try... scared we will end up in the housing if I don't get my shit together.  Which is totally irrational my child support pays basic bills I just need to work for gas, and supplies and extras...

My parents want to maybe buy me a house so my payment is lower each month and I don't want to have to move again- so I am trying to find a p/t job..

Maybe doing something productive will help me?

I am so tired of being so limited due to my mental health issues.... I am very smart and a great people person... I could work- if I did not have add and bpd and anxiety and panic attacks and depression.

I could prob feel better if i would take my medicine and exercise.

HELP ME.

01-29-2012 07:45 AM
Gator-mom

"dramatic and introverted"  I never really thought about it, but I'd say that described my personality as well...lol.  I'm not really sure if my friends thought I was odd for sure or not, but the kids pretty much all avoided or made fun of me from about age 10 to graduation.

01-29-2012 03:08 AM
Mom31

lol- I was born that way really I think- I was very dramatic and introverted at the same time.  I would say I was definently recognized as different by puberty by my friends. I was nicnamed things like Spazz.  I never learned to regulate my emotions.

01-28-2012 08:58 PM
Gator-mom

To anyone..

 

Looking back on your life, when do you think some of your "odd" behaviors started?

 

I am realizing that i had some strange associations with pain early on.  For instance, when I would get a loose tooth, I would push and push on it until it would tear out.  I would go from barely loose to out of my mouth in 24 hours.  I don't think I've ever felt pain the same as other people...

01-26-2012 04:03 AM
Mom31

LOL!!!! 

01-25-2012 07:45 PM
Gator-mom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

I think you meant ds will be 5 in March lol.

 



Oh yes I did...lol.  Freudian? 

01-24-2012 08:03 PM
Mom31

I think you meant ds will be 5 in March lol.

 

01-23-2012 09:00 AM
Gator-mom

1. 30

2. DH will be 5 in March

3. I feel like BPD doesn't get too much in the way of my parenting.  It's way more of an issue in my marriage than anything.  The only times I find myself losing patience with Ds is when I am way over-tired/stressed and he is too and being totally unreasonable.  It totally interferes with my relationship to DH, however.  I fly off the handle at him over really stupid things and then get hung up on things.  I have to be really careful with not trying to control what he does and who he hangs out with.  I also find that I disassociate when we argue and I end up saying things that don't make sense because what is going on in my head/heart isn't coming out accurately from my mouth...and then the rage hits and I do stupid things like self harm, threaten suicide or threaten divorce if he doesn't do XYZ.

 

Mom31: That really sucks having your family so far away from you!  We have DH's family who I don't know how I'd do the whole school thing without.  They get DS out of the house when DH and I need a break and when I know that I am not being a good parent.  Have you looked into getting a massage at the local college?  We can do that here for like $25 (though I know that can even seem like a lot).  Or maybe your boyfriend would just give you one himself?  I can only imagine what living with chronic pain would do to your mood..I have some mild pain issues, but it doesn't usually persist.  I do know lots of people with it, however, and it really seems to interfere in their lives.

01-23-2012 06:31 AM
Mom31

INteresting how a lot of us did not accept it until we were in our thirties.

1.How old are you all now?

2.How old are your kids?

3.How do you feel BPD effects your parenting ability?

 

1.  I am 31.

2.  My kids are 6 and 8.

3.  Where do I begin?  I can't handle stress, I have mood instability- ( luckily medicated and much better but man) I am easily distracted- or use distractions to cope and that leaves me unattentive and distant, easily angered or easily blocking everything out( ie kids fighting - ignore it instead of stepping in) forget things like picking up school supplies etc.

Some of this may be from my ADHD.... and lack of proper nutrition.  I am working on both of those things now

The hardest part is I am a single mom six hours from any family- I need help and I don't have any. I have a new boyfriend who is starting to come over around bed time to help me get my kids to bed- ie just being present in the house makes them listen to me.

Anyhow- today I just feel like a failure.... totally overwhelmed by my house and my kids and my simple life. I have simplified everything way past what it reasonable and still I can't cope.

 

I lived in Chronic pain for 2 years and thought I was getting better- well it is creeping back, I need to get a massage i think... where to get the money tho- maybe boyfriend will gift it to me.... he always asks if I need anything.

01-16-2012 08:16 AM
harrietsmama

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom31 View Post

To get some conversation going on here- I have a few questions....

 

1... what were you like as children and teens?

2... when did you first get counseling, see a psych, etc

3. ...did you always know something was wrong?  if not when did you "know"



1.  I was very strange and depressed as a child.  I had external events happening though.  Bounced back & forth, sexual abuse, verbal & emotional abuse.

 

2.  at ten.

 

3. I always felt as if I were an outsider, but I didn't accept my dx until I was about 32ish.  Looking back I had episodes as young as 15.

01-15-2012 09:07 PM
Gator-mom

congrats milk_maker!!  I hope this pg goes smoothly the rest of the way!  I want to have another (I only have 1 so far), but with all the stress I'm having with school and worrying about finding a job after graduation, DH and I decided to put that plan on hold a few more months..

01-15-2012 11:47 AM
milk_maker

Yeah I'm done too and have (had) a paragard IUD but I got a quick exam at my clinic when I called and told them I was pregnant with an IUD and they confirmed that it isn't there anymore so apparently it decided to beat feet at some point.

01-15-2012 10:49 AM
Mom31

CONGRATS MM!  I am done having kids and going to get my tubes tied.

01-15-2012 10:48 AM
milk_maker

So I just found out I'm pregnant the other day and I'm really glad my pdoc started me on latuda because he specifically mentioned that it's safe for pregnancy (well L2).  I looked up my antidepressant and it seems to be okay too.  I have an appointment on Tuesday so I'll talk to him then.  I'm really scared because I go CAH-RAY-ZEE when I'm pregnant.  When I got pregnant with DD I didn't know but I had an episode where I was trying to park in a spot and the lot attendant told me to park somewhere else.  I FREAKED out, flipped her The Bird, and burned rubber out of the parking lot.  I immediately went and got a pregnancy test and had a positive.

 

So far I'm stable (I wasn't medicated during my other pregnancies) and I'm really surprised because by this point I was raging and freaking out (I'm about 6 weeks).

01-15-2012 07:49 AM
Mom31

Right now being off my meds is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. This is the healthiest relationship I have ever had. Mama's over at my private dating thread know I am off my meds and being a great great support but I am so worried I am going to mess things up.

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