Mothering Forums - Reply to Topic

Thread: I feel like I missed the most important moment of my life... *pictures added* Reply to Thread
Title:
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Trackback:
Send Trackbacks to (Separate multiple URLs with spaces) :
Post Icons
You may choose an icon for your message from the following list:
 

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



  Additional Options
Miscellaneous Options

  Topic Review (Newest First)
04-09-2012 05:15 AM
ChitownTracy

/

04-08-2012 09:45 PM
VBACmama4

I'm sure what you went through felt as hard to you as my situation did to me. It's all experiences, the harder you have it sometimes the stronger you are in the end. Being a single mom was hard, but ultimately easier than being the ball and chain to a person who didn't want us to begin with - and I understand the financial difficulty, boy do I!! I was able to get to know my kids and be a part of every moment of their lives, and they know now more than ever that they really are my reason for living. They know no matter who comes and goes, we are all constant in each others' lives'. It's been hard but more worth it than anything I've ever done. And I co-sleep too, so sometimes my husband would wake up with little heels digging at his back, but he loved it. One day yours will too, but you are going to be fine until then. Enjoy your girl time :)

 

I'm sure you will meet the right person when the time is right for you, and he'll love your beautiful little sweetheart as much as you do. It's great having my husband now, but what's even better is that he knows I did everything on my own before he showed up (and I tease him that he was late lol) and I can handle ANYTHING. I hope the next time you have a calm, peaceful, intimate birth experience that brings you the feelings you missed the first time. If you ever need any info, I'm a militant VBAC-er, so don't hesitate to ask - I'll probably be able to at least point you in a good direction! ;)

04-08-2012 09:23 PM
Shanon Mellan

Quote:
Originally Posted by VBACmama4 View Post


 

Shanon, I can relate in so many ways.. I had my first two boys while "married". I use that term loosely because my "husband" was never committed to us, cheated constantly, left us over 20 times in a 3 year period, and was never supportive of me at all. While he was still there and I wasn't totally single, it would have been better for me and for my kids if he had just left and stayed gone. Finally when my kids were 16 months and 2 months old, he did - for a girl he met during an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting while I was in labor for 4 days with our second child. He called me on the phone (at the time texting was a few years in the future) and told me he didn't want to be a father or a husband and he had made a mistake. I let him go, and we were happier without him even if things were really scary and very hard, for about 10 years. I met a man in 2009 who asked me to marry him after we'd dated a while. He was the first I'd introduced to my kids in their entire lives. I let him stay overnight at our house, meet my parents, the whole nine yards. I found out I was pregnant in Nov 2009 with complete shock and something like panic, I hadn't had a child in almost ten years and was unmarried! It really freaked me out, and his response was textbook jerk. He basically told me he didn't want another baby, he had 2 from a previous marriage, and he thought I should have an abortion. I don't believe in abortion, I would never have been able to live with myself (I know some women view it as an option, but it isn't for me). I denied and he flipped. He called me from work crying repeatedly, begging me to get rid of "it". He was deployed to Afghanistan 2 months later and while he was there he stopped returning my calls, emails and texts completely. I thought something had happened to him and was terrified only to find out in an email 2 weeks after Valentine's Day that he was rekindling an old relationship while overseas. I got the email on my phone while almost 5 months pregnant, sitting in a doctor's office with my 2nd child who had strep. He dumped me in that email, telling me if I felt I needed to put the baby up for adoption he would support that decision. I never spoke to him again. 

 

I went through the rest of my pregnancy feeling scared and alone, but had to pretend things were great for the sake of my older kids because they were excited about having a new baby and I didn't want to scare them or take that excitement from them. A month and a half before my baby was due, I very accidentally met a man who asked me if we could possibly date, and I thought he was crazy. I spent 10 years alone, got dumped while pregnant, and this guy wants to date?? Yeah right, I thought lol. So after refusing, shooting him down, telling him I wasn't ready, he finally offered to be there for me when the baby was born. I felt sure that if I agreed he would go away because no one had ever stuck around, especially people who had made promises. But he did. He called me, visited me every day, bought a box of diapers or wipes or whatever we needed to get ready for the baby, and when I finally went into labor he was at my house in 15 minutes kneeling on the floor rubbing my back. It was surreal, but amazing. He was there when my baby was born, the first to hold him, and he had tears in his eyes when he brought him to me. We've been married for 2 years, and our 4th child is due on April 18th. So, while I know how scary your situation feels, you are not alone. You are strong - you have to be, you're the single most important person to your daughter - and even though you need your strength having people to talk to is so important. I know as well as anyone that that is true. 

 

My first birth was a csection for no good reason, my doctor also told me some women weren't made for child birth. I posted that experience here in an earlier response, but you know what? Turns out my body is phenomenal in labor!! I take a long time, my shortest labor was 7 hours but my longest was 4 days, and after that first nightmare my 2 VBAC's were totally awesome. I am expecting my 3rd VBAC to be just as great and will be having another water birth, which is incredibly helpful for me. A word of advice - education and preparation are extremely important for a woman attempting VBAC. If you choose to have another child, I would suggest the Bradley Method of Childbirth, contacting the ICAN chapter in your area, getting a doula, having people you trust present at your birth experience and shopping around for a doctor or midwife who supports you. Even though you had a true emergency in your first birth, that doesn't mean they will all end the same way, each birth is different. It is possible to deliver naturally after a traumatic experience, sometimes it can even be very healing, and even if it ends with another csection, at least you got to try. I wish you all the luck in the world!!
 

 


 

Wow. You're story just totally blew me out of the water.

I am so touched by what you had to go through - it makes me feel incredibly grateful that I never had to deal with anything that extreme, at least in the relationship department.

And thank you for your advice, and your hopeful words. Maybe one day the right man will show up for me, but that's not even really something I'm looking for at this point. I enjoy being a single mother for the most part - except for the constant financial strain, but that's an entirely DIFFERENT story lol. Besides that I co-sleep - so where would I put a boyfriend? ;D

But I do have hope that one day I will be able to have a baby with the right person. I can't imagine how different it would be to have a supportive partner there for every step of the journey. As much as I enjoy being a single mother there are days even now that I am exhausted - my daughter is EXTREMELY busy and very go-go-go, and she's walking already too! But I hold out hope that one day I will be able to deliver vaginally, and I have every intention of using a doula next time around. The hospital staff were terrible where I was - seriously terrible - and I need to have somebody there who supports and cares about me next time around.

 

04-08-2012 06:58 PM
VBACmama4


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shanon Mellan View Post

As sad as it is, even reading tha makes me feel jealous. I have no husband or SO - I have been single since I found out I was pregnant and the father decided he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Funny story - he was in bed with his "best friend" 2 days after leaving me (through text message to boot) and is still with her to this day...
 
As I am still single, I don't know if I will even get to have another baby, let alone a vbac. I intend to try, but after such a traumatic experience and discovering that, as my doctor put it, my body just wasn't taking well to labor, I am scared I will end up with another emergency c-section and miss it all again.

I'm scared that if I TRY to have a VBAC by the time they realize it's not possible I will be too far in, and then something will happen again and I'll have to be put under because apparently epidurals don't work well with me =/
 

 

Shanon, I can relate in so many ways.. I had my first two boys while "married". I use that term loosely because my "husband" was never committed to us, cheated constantly, left us over 20 times in a 3 year period, and was never supportive of me at all. While he was still there and I wasn't totally single, it would have been better for me and for my kids if he had just left and stayed gone. Finally when my kids were 16 months and 2 months old, he did - for a girl he met during an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting while I was in labor for 4 days with our second child. He called me on the phone (at the time texting was a few years in the future) and told me he didn't want to be a father or a husband and he had made a mistake. I let him go, and we were happier without him even if things were really scary and very hard, for about 10 years. I met a man in 2009 who asked me to marry him after we'd dated a while. He was the first I'd introduced to my kids in their entire lives. I let him stay overnight at our house, meet my parents, the whole nine yards. I found out I was pregnant in Nov 2009 with complete shock and something like panic, I hadn't had a child in almost ten years and was unmarried! It really freaked me out, and his response was textbook jerk. He basically told me he didn't want another baby, he had 2 from a previous marriage, and he thought I should have an abortion. I don't believe in abortion, I would never have been able to live with myself (I know some women view it as an option, but it isn't for me). I denied and he flipped. He called me from work crying repeatedly, begging me to get rid of "it". He was deployed to Afghanistan 2 months later and while he was there he stopped returning my calls, emails and texts completely. I thought something had happened to him and was terrified only to find out in an email 2 weeks after Valentine's Day that he was rekindling an old relationship while overseas. I got the email on my phone while almost 5 months pregnant, sitting in a doctor's office with my 2nd child who had strep. He dumped me in that email, telling me if I felt I needed to put the baby up for adoption he would support that decision. I never spoke to him again. 

 

I went through the rest of my pregnancy feeling scared and alone, but had to pretend things were great for the sake of my older kids because they were excited about having a new baby and I didn't want to scare them or take that excitement from them. A month and a half before my baby was due, I very accidentally met a man who asked me if we could possibly date, and I thought he was crazy. I spent 10 years alone, got dumped while pregnant, and this guy wants to date?? Yeah right, I thought lol. So after refusing, shooting him down, telling him I wasn't ready, he finally offered to be there for me when the baby was born. I felt sure that if I agreed he would go away because no one had ever stuck around, especially people who had made promises. But he did. He called me, visited me every day, bought a box of diapers or wipes or whatever we needed to get ready for the baby, and when I finally went into labor he was at my house in 15 minutes kneeling on the floor rubbing my back. It was surreal, but amazing. He was there when my baby was born, the first to hold him, and he had tears in his eyes when he brought him to me. We've been married for 2 years, and our 4th child is due on April 18th. So, while I know how scary your situation feels, you are not alone. You are strong - you have to be, you're the single most important person to your daughter - and even though you need your strength having people to talk to is so important. I know as well as anyone that that is true. 

 

My first birth was a csection for no good reason, my doctor also told me some women weren't made for child birth. I posted that experience here in an earlier response, but you know what? Turns out my body is phenomenal in labor!! I take a long time, my shortest labor was 7 hours but my longest was 4 days, and after that first nightmare my 2 VBAC's were totally awesome. I am expecting my 3rd VBAC to be just as great and will be having another water birth, which is incredibly helpful for me. A word of advice - education and preparation are extremely important for a woman attempting VBAC. If you choose to have another child, I would suggest the Bradley Method of Childbirth, contacting the ICAN chapter in your area, getting a doula, having people you trust present at your birth experience and shopping around for a doctor or midwife who supports you. Even though you had a true emergency in your first birth, that doesn't mean they will all end the same way, each birth is different. It is possible to deliver naturally after a traumatic experience, sometimes it can even be very healing, and even if it ends with another csection, at least you got to try. I wish you all the luck in the world!!
 

 

04-08-2012 05:12 PM
Shanon Mellan

I haven't been able to come back here for a few days, so to return and see so many positive posts is overwhelming. once again you've all reduced me to tears, but that is not a bad thing. It is helpful to hear that so many other woman faced similar situations. It's really hard to relate to my friends in real life because I don't know a SINGLE one who had to have a c-section. Let alone one who had to have a c-section and be put under general. Not to mention being single and having no husband to support them. All of these things equal a unique experience and I've yet to find anybody to really relate to. Somebody who I can call or talk to when I am feeling especially low or sad. I do have my mother - thankfully - but it's nice to hear support from others. My mom's experience with me was very similar - general c-section and single at the time - but there is still the sense of knowing that she has to support me no matter what - she is my mother!

 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheDivineMrsM View Post

 

A few things helped me: 

My DH. I'm lucky and am married to an amazingly wonderful, supportive man. 

Breastfeeding. The ability to BF literally saved my sanity. 

ICAN. I found the group on FB, and showed up at a meeting. It's a huge relief to walk into a room and have everyone just "get it." 

VBAC. The second question I asked in recovery, after "Is the baby ok?" was "Can I have a VBAC for #2?" The answer from everyone was a resounding yes, and I cling to that like a lifeline. There are no do-overs for my daughter's birth, but I'll get another chance when we have another baby. 

 

 

As sad as it is, even reading tha tmakes me feel jealous. I have no husband or SO - I have been single since I found out I was pregnant and the father decided he wasn't ready for that level of commitment. Funny story - he was in bed with his "best friend" 2 days after leaving me (through text message to boot) and is still with her to this day...
 
I also was unable to breastfeed. A combination of flat nipples and a receeding chin made it very very frustrating for both she and I, though I tried for months and pumped until she was 6 months old.

As I am still single, I don't know if I will even get to have another baby, let alone a vbac. I intend to try, but after such a traumatic experience and discovering that, as my doctor put it, my body just wasn't taking well to labor, I am scared I will end up with another emergency c-section and miss it all again.

I'm scared that if I TRY to have a VBAC by the time they realize it's not possible I will be too far in, and then something will happen again and I'll have to be put under because apparently epidurals don't work well with me =/
 

 

04-03-2012 11:01 AM
Snapdragon

oh she is beautiful! Sorry you had such a traumatic and scary birth experience. I also had a surprise emergency c section, plus my baby had to go in the nicu after birth for a while- so I do know how you feel! I guess I processed it differently than you did- as we all have our own experiences. I urge you to forgive yourself, you have nothing to feel guilty for! While your birth was traumatic, you made the right choices to save your baby. birth is so life changing- as is parenting. I think we have every moment of our children's lives to be there for them and it sounds like you absolutely are there for your daughter. Birht is important, but before I had my son, I had a high level of expectation that my birth had to be a certain way. It was so different than that- and my baby is fine- as yours probably is too. I know you are saying you are the one suffering for it- but perhaps if you look at it differently you can forgive yourself and ease and heal some of the trauma. Every moment is a chance to be there for our children. the birth is just one of the many experiences of parenting. I hope you can find some healing with this. I know for me I didn't know too many people who had had c sectins- most of my freinds had had home births- so coming here to MDC helped a lot when I was processing some of the grief. To see that so many other women who are natural attachment parenting minded also had c sections and it is no way made them worse of a mother. For me I came around to see that my birth was just this huge change in my life- huge change in my body(2 yrs later I am just starting to rebuild my core only recently) and it really exemplified how huge a change becoming a mom was for me. My whole entire life changed, as we all know from being parents. anyway- just trying to say that I totally get how you feel traumatized but I hope you can go easy on yourself and not let the guilt or trauma create feelings of low self worht or whatever. While a c section is not ideal, it is still an honest and noble way to bring a child into ths world. hugs and peace to you.

04-03-2012 11:00 AM
TheDivineMrsM

Oh, mama. I know how you feel. I had a "crash" csection under general anesthesia, and whenever I see pics of just-born babies and their smiling parents, I cry. When people ask me about my daughter's birth and I tell the story, and they respond with, "Oh well. All that matters is a healthy baby!" it's a struggle not to punch the offender in the head. (Partaria: I like your analogy. I describe it as going to sleep one night as a HS sophomore and waking up at 19. On one hand, I'm grateful for the experience of starting high school. But I missed getting a yearbook and prom and graduation - everything that transitions you from adolescence to adulthood. It's possible to grow up w/o these things, but it's infinitely harder). 

 

A few things helped me: 

My DH. I'm lucky and am married to an amazingly wonderful, supportive man. 

Breastfeeding. The ability to BF literally saved my sanity. 

ICAN. I found the group on FB, and showed up at a meeting. It's a huge relief to walk into a room and have everyone just "get it." 

VBAC. The second question I asked in recovery, after "Is the baby ok?" was "Can I have a VBAC for #2?" The answer from everyone was a resounding yes, and I cling to that like a lifeline. There are no do-overs for my daughter's birth, but I'll get another chance when we have another baby. 

 

Find a support group or a private therapist. What's your partner like? Does he understand? Talking to someone helps. Write. Create art. Do something to give the emotion an outlet. 

 

sending a hug!

04-03-2012 09:47 AM
ChitownTracy

.

04-03-2012 07:32 AM
Partaria

When people tell a mother that she should be happy that her baby is healthy and that's "all that matters," they usually mean no harm. But, what that statement insinuates, IMO, is that a woman is like a Volkswagon in a crash test. As long as the passenger inside survived safely, who cares if the car's all banged up? 

 

A woman is more than a car or a human incubator on legs. We have our own emotions and feelings and needs. Of course we are relieved when our babes are healthy. But that is NOT the only thing that matters. Our hearts and our experiences matter too. You can simultaneously celebrate a healthy baby and mourn losing the birth experience you longed for. The two are not mutually exclusive.

04-02-2012 09:21 PM
VBACmama4

No one wants to look back at the birth of their child and remember pain and separation. It's so hard to feel like you weren't their first and most important person in this world, like you weren't there when she needed you, but even though you may not have been the first person to hold her, she knew you too, immediately, and looking at the picture of her tiny, beautiful little self dozing on your chest, she knew you well. 

 

That said, I completely understand the pain that your birth experience causes you. My oldest was my only C/S in 2001. I was young, we were both healthy, and I allowed my OB to scare me into induction for the sake of sparing risks and complications that I didn't even have. She made me feel like if something were to happen to him, it was my fault, even during my painful and terrifying induction. I couldn't move because it caused blips on the monitor, I couldn't eat or drink, she broke my water without explaining that there are all sorts of risks involved with that, she basically insisted on an epidural so I could "relax", and then after I had endured pain and fear for hours on end, she called me on my room phone to tell me she had to "take" my baby because my labor lasted too long. My then husband was about as supportive as a chair in my room, he stood aside and let her belittle me, and I resented him for it. When I was taken in for the procedure, they gave me narcotics because I could also feel them testing my skin for signs of feeling, and I was not able to see, could not feel my body, but could hear much of what was happening. I heard my husband tell me he was feeling dizzy and he had to step out, so here I was alone, blinded, unable to move, as they took my son from my body crying for me. They paused in front of my face with him, and all I could see was a blurry white outline at the very edges of my vision, I didn't even know what color his hair was. I couldn't speak, couldn't touch him. I woke up hours later to a nurse holding him at my bedside, asking if I wanted to try to nurse. How do you nurse a baby when you can't move? She held him near me for a minute or two then put him in his plastic crib and whisked him away. When I finally held him, it was the next day and he had been subjected to repeated heel stick testing because he was so "big" - 8.8lbs - only to find out that their equipment was faulty and he was fine. They gave him a bottle, which made nursing hard for us too, although we eventually got the hang of it. The only evidence I had of the whole thing was a baby I felt wouldn't know me and a scar that looked like Frankenstein when I was finally able to get to the bathroom and see myself. I felt so angry and robbed of the birth of my child, I felt guilty because I felt other people had taken the place of my importance for him because I wasn't there. I know what you are feeling when you say you missed your daughters birth. It's something I still feel even to this day, 11 years later, and because of it I have fought long and hard to ensure that the rest of my children were VBAC births. I used the anger I felt toward that experience to get me through days of labor and pain. 

 

Your feelings are real, and it's important that you do everything you can to vent them, and try to heal as much as possible. Easier said than done, but it really is possible to begin to heal. My first VBAC brought emotions for me that were so much more than just "I did it", so much more than just being the first to hold my baby. Even though I feel the way I do about my first birth experience, after 11 years I can honestly tell you that I've had more than enough opportunity to show my son that I'm here for him. We've talked about his birth and how different it was from his brothers (he has 2, with the 3rd coming in April) as he has watched me plan their births, and I can also tell you that he knows how special and important he is to me no matter how he was born. Your daughter will learn more everyday just how much she means to you and how much she can count on her Mommy. A few hours won't matter to her after years of love, but I know they will matter to you, and I hope you find the outlet you need to recover as much as possible. *hugs*

04-02-2012 08:46 PM
azzeps

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shanon Mellan View Post

 it's hard because I know I should just be happy that she is alive and healthy.
 


Hi Shanon,

 

I'm so sorry for what you lost, what you missed out on.  I totally get it.  I didn't have to be put under, but I felt like I missed out on a lot because of my c-section...  my daughter had to spend 4 hours in the NICU and I couldn't be with her.  It's really hard when you expect your birth to go one way, and it goes completely the other way.

 

I highlighted what you said above because I wanted you to know that this is what people will tell you - that you should be happy you are both alive and well.  But you feel how you feel about it, and there is no wrong way to feel.  You don't have to "get over it."  I don't think I will ever "get over" what I lost.  Of course, now with four years distance, and counseling, and attending ICAN meetings, and having a VBAC, I can look at the experience differently... I don't cry every time I think about it or talk about it.  But I still wish it had happened differently. 

 

Be aware that the first birthday is sometimes difficult... because it brings back all those memories.  So be kind and gentle to yourself. 

 

Also, if you feel like you are ready, go to your local ICAN meeting.  I know you'll find open arms and lots of women who have been where you've been, and who will totally understand how you feel and will be able to encourage you.  You can look up your local chapter at www.ican-online.org.  If you don't have an ICAN chapter near you, there is a Yahoo Group, if you go to the "Groups" page on yahoo.com you can search for it.  Just another way to get support and understanding.

 

Take care, and be good to yourself.  Your daughter is lovely!

03-31-2012 08:29 PM
MaryLang

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have not had a c/s where I was put out. I have had a lot of c/s's, failed birth center birth, failed vbac, ect... But I know you're probably feeling something unique to a general anesthetic birth, and the disconnect that would go along with it. It's so hard when even though we have gone through so much preparation and all the work carrying our babes all these months, it's the way they are born that can cause so much pain. And I know that it's because we spend all that time imagining all the firsts and what he/she will look like ect, and it's all hinging on their first huge transition-our baby emerging and taking that first breath. My son's birth (the failed vbac) was especially hard for me to deal with and my time in the hospital was hard as well. I developed an air pocket in my chest after the surgery that was sooooo painful and I had to have a ct scan which required me to pump and dump and there was a time one night I had to send him to the nursery for a few hours because I was in so much pain. I felt so guilty for so long about how things went. He was born roughly, and then I wasn't there the way I wanted to be to comfort him afterwards. I used to whisper into his ear at night that I was sorry for the way things went, it's not the way I wanted and that he was the world to me. That was actually a small healing thing for me to do.

I hope you're able to find peace and healing. Lots of hugs.

03-31-2012 12:43 PM
Storm Bride

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shanon Mellan View Post

Thank you, all of you, for your kind words and support. I have read through all of the replies to this thread numerous times and have both laughed and cried. I am very grateful to hear confirmation that my feelings are valid - it's hard because I know I should just be happy that she is alive and healthy.

Also none of my friends had to have emergency c/s let alone be put under,, so I don't have that relatable support in real life either. Getting it here is important to me, so thank you all <3



To the bold: No. No. No. That discounts what you went through. The idea that it doesn't matter if a mom goes through hell, because her baby is okay makes no sense. Yes - of course we, as moms, are happy that our babies are okay. That doesn't mean it's the only thing that matters, or that we "should" just be happy. There is nothing wrong with having conflicting feelings, or being happy that your baby is alive and healthy, but also sad and/or disappointed about your own experiences.

 

When people say that other people "should" feel a certain way, it makes me nuts. Feelings are what they are. You can work through them - I think you are working through them - but you can't just make them go away. And, having feelings invalidated by stupidity such as "you should feel X, instead of Y", doesn't help anyone work through anything.

03-30-2012 04:53 PM
Shanon Mellan

Thank you, all of you, for your kind words and support. I have read through all of the replies to this thread numerous times and have both laughed and cried. I am very grateful to hear confirmation that my feelings are valid - it's hard because I know I should just be happy that she is alive and healthy.

Also none of my friends had to have emergency c/s let alone be put under,, so I don't have that relatable support in real life either. Getting it here is important to me, so thank you all <3

03-30-2012 03:24 PM
JoyFilled

What beautiful pictures!

Thanks for sharing your incredibly sad story.  I think as more people like you share your story the easier it will be for others in similar situation to process and heal from their birth experience.

03-30-2012 11:46 AM
CI Mama

Thank you for sharing your story and the beautiful pictures.

 

You are not alone. There is a "social group" on MDC to support women who've had unplanned c-sections following a long/difficult labor. Here's more info on the group:

http://www.mothering.com/community/groups/show/25/unplanned-c-section-after-long-labor-support-group

 

You may find that a helpful place to connect.

 

I have found that my LO's birthday is a time when I reflect on her birth and all that it meant for me. That was especially true for her first birthday. I hope you can find support and great gentleness towards yourself!

03-30-2012 11:35 AM
Partaria

PS those pics of you and the wee one are absolutely beautiful.

03-30-2012 11:34 AM
Partaria

I'm so glad you posted here, mama. I don't have much else to add, but I really do wish you lots of light and healing. I didn't have an emergency c, but I had one I hadn't planned on, and it devastated me. These things really linger and get a real hold on our psyches. It is so true that how we give birth matters. What happens to a woman when she has a child stays with her forever, for better or for worse.

 

I know you miss those first moments. I'm so sorry for the loss and pain surrounding that. You had a very difficult experience. But mama, be gentle with yourself. You did SO MUCH for that little child. You went through your worst fear and a terrible experience, all so she could be safe and healthy. Wow. There is much to honor in that.

 

 

03-30-2012 05:49 AM
baglady I was also put under general for my first c/s due to failed epidural. I totally understand your sadness. I really spent a lot of time crying over not being there, not hearing his first cries, and everything else one misses in such a situation. I have a video of me holding him shortly after the procedure. I'm totally drugged (read: cross eyed). I actually don't remember that event at all. I only have one memory of meeting him for the first time several ours later when they moved me to my room. I remember thinking, "why is everyone being so casual? I haven't even held my baby!". Of course I actually had without remembering it. I talked it over with my OB afterward and found out that she ripped the anesthesiologist a new one for not being able to get the epi.

I can honestly say that I am at peace with it now. My son is now three and I realized that, yes the birth is important, but he was born. He's here and he's mine. There are so many other days of his life, I had to let go of that one. Personally, I had to let go of my own guilt that I carried around for not birthing the way I envisioned. I think it took me a good year and a half to feel better. My second birth (Another c/s) with a working spinal,my husband by my side, and an amazing team of nurses who heard my story and were super supportive was also really healing for me. Mostly because I realized that their entries were different, but the instant bond and love were the same.

If you are really struggling, I would consider counseling. Your feelings are valid.

03-30-2012 04:49 AM
Youngfrankenstein

I have not had a section.  I am offering my support so I hope it will be seen that way.  That hospital did the wrong thing, not you.  You did what needed to be done and sacrificed for your baby.  I get the hurt.  It is horrible how babies can be treated like "stuff" rather than a little person.  I know there were medical concerns but they should have treated your baby with love and respect.  That isn't your fault.  Shame on them.

 

I am a believer that the loving mother you are from pregnancy though today, will completely overshadow the ugliness that happened to your sweet baby that day.  As much as I believe in treating newborns with TLC, I don't think they remember and know it was that way.  

 

I wish I knew how to help you get over the pain.  I have parenting regrets that aren't related to birth that I chose to do at the time and I look back and feel terrible about them.  

03-30-2012 04:19 AM
BroodyWoodsgal

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shanon Mellan View Post

<snip>
It was HOURS after she was born that I got to hold her, and even then it was only for a short time, 30 minutes at most. Then they had to take her back to the nursery, as she was on IV antibiotics for the next three days. During that time I barely got to hold her, as every couple of hours they had to take her back to the nursery to have her antibiotics.

On top of it all, she had a receeding chin and I had flat nipples, so we were never able to latch. We tried in the hospital until she and I were both screaming and crying - myself exhausted from a lack of sleep and lingering drugs - before giving in to the bottle. When she was finally off the IV we had high hopes that she would nurse, but still no luck. The doctors and nurses threatened me that  if she did not drink 60mls every 3 hours, they would put a tube in her stomach. This made me so scared and fearful - the last thing I wanted was  MORE pain and discomfort for my baby. So I was pumping for an HOUR every 3 hours in order to get enough milk to feed her - I did not want to have to use formula. Then I would get to see her for maybe an hour, and in the remaining hour I would have to try and sleep/eat/use the bathroom/walk/shower/etc...

It was hell.

<snip>

 

Honey, no wonder you are in such bad shape...this sounds like a nightmare. I'm so sorry all this happened to you. Again, I'm glad that your baby girl is healthy and with you..but I think anyone can agree if they are being honest, that what you went through is not what it's "supposed" to be like. Saying that another way would have been better doesn't discount at all that modern science possibly saved your daughters life....it just speaks to the validity of your feeling that things went really wrong. It speaks to the validity of whatever you are feeling, whatever sense of loss weighs on you.

 

GL, I truly hope that you will find some amazing book, or bump into some amazing mama or something that will help you shift your perspective and help you heal from this. It breaks my heart that such a strong mama is feeling so horrible inside and I send you all my best wishes for clarity and depth in your processing all that has happened.

03-30-2012 03:04 AM
Edna236

http://www.infoocean.info/avatar3.jpgt is a regret I will have for the rest of my life.

03-30-2012 12:28 AM
mamaofthree

i am so sorry for your loss, it is completely ok to be upset about what happened and still love and cherish your beautiful baby girl. maybe there is someone you can talk to who can get where you are coming from and won't belittle your emotions. 

 

(((hug)))

03-29-2012 11:14 PM
Storm Bride

OP: I just want to say that my first baby turned 19 last week. Sometimes, I **** feel a little pang over the 14 hours we were apart after my c-section (I saw him for about 5 seconds while still under morphine - not sure exactly how long after the surgery that was). I had all the rest by c-section, but was awake for them. While I prefer the general for myself (I can't describe how much I hate spinal anesthesia), the one plus to that was that I saw my babies sooooo much more quickly (although there was over an hour separation again with dd1 - at least I got to see her and hold her first!). It's hard. And, it is a really important moment as a mother.

 

hug.gif

03-29-2012 11:07 PM
Plummeting

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post
I highly recommend that yous top triggering yourself with "Rainbow and unicorn filled, amazing homerbtih, I had an orgasms, angels sung" stories.


Why would you even say that? She wasn't planning a home birth, and didn't mention them. Why would you say she's "triggering [herself]"? Like she wakes up every day and does whatever she can to make herself feel bad. You don't know anything at all about the situation, other than that she feels sadness over missing her daughter's first few hours. It is a bad feeling. I didn't have a c-section, but I only got 45 minutes with my dd before they took her for 5 hours. It was horrible. I felt bad about it for years (she's 7 now). I still feel bad about it. There's no reason a mother shouldn't be sad about that sort of thing. I've seen you involved in conversations about how traumatizing natural birth can be for some women. It's quite an amazing double standard to accept that a painful, long, natural birth can be traumatic, but a birth that involves unexpected or unwanted interventions can't be. Sure they saved her baby's life, and the OP is quite clear from the very first post how happy she is about that. That doesn't change the fact that she is hurting over what she missed.

03-29-2012 07:00 PM
OSUvet

I just want to send my love, support, and understanding. My experience was not as difficult as yours, and I don't want to go into my own story right now. I just want to say I completely understand the feeling. I hope you can find healing and are able to enjoy mothering your beautiful angel!

03-29-2012 05:58 PM
BroodyWoodsgal

Quote:
Originally Posted by slmommy View Post

Quote:

hug2.gif I don't really have much to add, I like what some of the pps have said. (Happy Birthday to you by the way!)
 

This part of your story makes me tear up. I don't know if this is really appropriate to say, and probably all depends on your religion/spirituality/ideas... but I wonder if some part of you, subconscious, spirit, energy, whatever, *was* there when she was born. Your love was there even if your consciousness wasn't. Not trying to minimize the situation in anyway... I just find it really striking that those were your first words. Hope you find the healing you need.

 


I'm so glad you also think this. I was struck so very very heavily with that part of the OPs post...it got me so choked up.

 

03-29-2012 05:04 PM
mama2soren

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post

There is no "most important moment" in parenting. This is horrible fallacy that ruins lives of many mothers.

 

Even what was an important moment a year ago is not longer important as moment today, and tomorrow, or 5 years from now.

 

You are alive and so is your child. I am sorry your birth did not go the way you planned, but the most important goal of birth is outcome of an alive mother and alive healthy child.

Thing often do not go well in life. Yes, there is certain amount of grief when thing do not go the way we plan but then one needs to move on and live the life to the fullest with joy. There is not other way.

 

What was done was a right decision at that moment a year ago.   There is no point in dissecting it and thinking how things could have been.  People often assume that thing could have been better if they took different action. for some reason we forget that things could have been worse as well.

 

I highly recommend that yous top triggering yourself with "Rainbow and unicorn filled, amazing homerbtih, I had an orgasms, angels sung" stories.

 

You are not alone in what happened. Many mothers have emergencies during their labors. C-section is there for a reason.

 

If you read some blogs form India and Africa you can see what happen when medical help is not available.

 

You missed a moment for a lifetime of mothering a and Love. I hope you will be eventually able to see it.

 

Please, contact a professional therapist who can help you to move on.  You are a wonderfull mother because you sacrificed your own idea of perfect birthing experience for a well being of your child. That is what mothers do.


This might be a statement better suited to a separate post, but seriously, Alenushka, this woman is coming here for support and encouragement.  No one is forcing you to offer that to her.  If you do not wish to, then just butt out.

 

To the OP, I am sorry for the loss you feel.  I have felt a similar loss when my son was taken to the NICU right after his birth.  You wanted to be present during your baby's first hours, cuddling, kissing, rocking, nursing, being the first to get to know her, keeping her warm and safe.  Those would have been precious memories, and it is a loss not to have them.  Trying to confront those feelings of loss and sadness is the best way to start healing, so I hope you find a supportive community, either here on MDC or with in-person friends.  There will never be the chance to get those moments back.  But, with time, that sadness will diminish, the pain will heal.  We both have scars, physical and emotional, that will always remind us of the hopes we had that weren't realized, but we can heal.  You will heal.

 

It can be a good thing to give yourself permission to go ahead and feel all the way down to the depths of your grief.  Journal it, cry, talk with a caring friend, do what you need to do to leave no hurt "covered up" or stifled.  Sometimes, especially with disappointments involving birth, women are hesitant to acknowledge the depth of their pain.  We are told to be happy about our babies, we are dismissed, we are told to just buck up and move on.  If the pain is not acknowledged and worked through, though, it just stays there under the surface.  Grieve it fully so that you can let it go with time.  Then be kind to yourself.  Try to calm those thoughts that try to convince you that you did something wrong, or that you didn't make all of the best choices, etc.  Treat yourself with love and respect.  You gave your baby your best.  You went through a very painful ordeal to ensure her safety and health.  You are so strong (3.5 days of labor on top of recovering from a C/S plus all of that pumping!  that's amazing!).  You are loving.  With time, and with kindness to yourself, you will heal from this.

 

If you find that things continue to get worse for you, or if the thoughts of grief and disappointment start interfering more and more with your enjoyment of your daughter and your life, then yes, that would be a sign to consider finding a supportive professional to help you work through this stage.   But I didn't gather that that was your situation.

03-29-2012 04:23 PM
Shanon Mellan

Quote:
Originally Posted by slmommy View Post

Quote:

hug2.gif I don't really have much to add, I like what some of the pps have said. (Happy Birthday to you by the way!)
 

This part of your story makes me tear up. I don't know if this is really appropriate to say, and probably all depends on your religion/spirituality/ideas... but I wonder if some part of you, subconscious, spirit, energy, whatever, *was* there when she was born. Your love was there even if your consciousness wasn't. Not trying to minimize the situation in anyway... I just find it really striking that those were your first words. Hope you find the healing you need.

 



Thank you, this touched me. I never really thought of it that way, but it makes me feel a little more... reassured. <3

03-29-2012 04:21 PM
Shanon Mellan

Thank you to all of you who are being supportive.

To Alenushka - you have obviously never had a c-section, let alone one where you had to be put under general.

I assure you, I am happy that my baby and I are alive. I am happy that we live in a country where medical services are available. I am grateful every single day for every breath that she takes and every moment I have with her.
 

That does NOT take away the profound sense of loss that I still feel - and, according to my mother who had the same experience, likely always will. I carried her for nearly 10 months. Through all my fears and worries SHE was there, reminding me that it would be okay, that we would make it through together. Reminding me that my life was no longer just about me, but that I would have the eternal love of my child. And then when she first came out screaming I was not there. Yes, I have been there for her in every single way that I can from every day since, but that will never take away the fact that I MISSED her BIRTH. her BIRTH. The one thing that mothers are not meant to miss! The one thing that we are made to do, that our bodies are made to do, and I couldn't do it.

No, I don't feel like less of a woman, or less of a mother. However I do feel guilty.

I don't watch or read, as you put it: "Rainbow and unicorn filled, amazing homerbtih, I had an orgasms, angels sung" stories. The very sight of a woman giving birth, whether it be naturally nor through a c-section, sets me off. I am even envious of women who at least were AWAKE for their caeasareans. After my daugther was born the very first thing I remember was waking up to my friend's face over mine - he is a nurse - when I was in recovery. He told me I had a beautiful baby girl and later told me that I said "Oh good, so she is a girl.." before asking when I could see her.

It was HOURS after she was born that I got to hold her, and even then it was only for a short time, 30 minutes at most. Then they had to take her back to the nursery, as she was on IV antibiotics for the next three days. During that time I barely got to hold her, as every couple of hours they had to take her back to the nursery to have her antibiotics.

On top of it all, she had a receeding chin and I had flat nipples, so we were never able to latch. We tried in the hospital until she and I were both screaming and crying - myself exhausted from a lack of sleep and lingering drugs - before giving in to the bottle. When she was finally off the IV we had high hopes that she would nurse, but still no luck. The doctors and nurses threatened me that  if she did not drink 60mls every 3 hours, they would put a tube in her stomach. This made me so scared and fearful - the last thing I wanted was  MORE pain and discomfort for my baby. So I was pumping for an HOUR every 3 hours in order to get enough milk to feed her - I did not want to have to use formula. Then I would get to see her for maybe an hour, and in the remaining hour I would have to try and sleep/eat/use the bathroom/walk/shower/etc...

It was hell.

BroodyWoodsgal your words touched me and made me want to cry - thank you! It was like a hug through the computer screen.

Thank you to those that are supportive - I appreciate your kind words. <3

 

Some pictures =)

Our first snuggle:

DSC03523.JPG

 

11 days old:

 

IMG_2255-1.jpg

 

IMG_2394-1.jpgIMG_2397-1.jpg

 

 

My baby girl now, at 10 months! <3

 

sillywabbitsmall.jpg

 

IMG_5772.JPG

This thread has more than 30 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off