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11-21-2012 06:04 PM
abbylotus

This is all very interesting. I am dating a man, the first after the loss of my husband, and am finding it difficult to find a balance. The kids haven't met him yet, but will soon, and I'm terrified to mingle the two parts of my life. Relationships are scary business....but also exciting. He's a great guy and I'm totally into him but I still have my reservations. It just feels weird. 

11-01-2012 03:07 PM
zoeyzoo

Hope you like the site.

 

In my experience if a guy can only text you they are either wanting something casual or are not emotionally available. The guys who have really wanted to get to know me made plans with me and called me to actually talk to me.

11-01-2012 02:13 PM
anon_abroad

I'll definitely have a look at the website, i need all the advice I can get about healthy relationships.

It's great insight to know that if a guy just texts without anything else he's only into attention,sex, casual whatever...I SO lack intution like that. I am a terrible judge of character.

The guy I mentioned in my last post in this thread, who I went on 4 dates with and who I felt was not getting in touch often enough, did text 1 / day, always replied to texts, and also made plans to see me, but...in the end....I wasn't into him :-(

It's all part of learning, right?

11-01-2012 01:59 PM
zoeyzoo

Anon - I really like the website baggagereclaim.co.uk

 

It's taught me so much about what healthy relationships look like and there are tons (literally hundreds) of free articles. She has a few books too but the articles are really helpful themselves.

 

What I've pieced together is if a guys just texts without anything else (such as calls, plans, etc.) to get to know you better, he's just looking for attention, sex, or some causal.

10-31-2012 12:32 PM
jewel1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

Hmmm.  Maybe I am just old, but I can remember relationships before texting.  There was no expectation of hearing from someone throughout the day, maybe just a phone call at night if you didn't have plans.  I'm wondering how the technology has influenced our expectations, and whether it fuels co-dependent tendencies in us.  I'm not saying that anon_abroad shouldn't dump the guy who is not actively pursuing her....I'm just wondering, in an abstract sense, about how this technology influences potential partner interactions. 
 

This a good point. While I remember the days before cell phones, all of my relationships occurred with the use of cell phones and even text messages. Crazy to think about, really. It's definitely not my preferred way of communicating with a guy I'm getting to know. I think a lot of things can be lost in translation/lack of tone and therefore are not at all the most efficient way to pursue a woman. For all a woman knows, the guy could be texting several women! Not to categorize them all in that manner, but it's true. I think authentic pursuit outside or in addition to texting is far more intentional and quality than texting. Of course, it feels good to know he's thinking of you and he should find ways of showing you that. However, I'd much prefer something cliche, like flowers specially delivered or a hand written note send my way or even an email that's personal. I rarely get emails like that or even mail. 

10-08-2012 12:17 AM
anon_abroad
Quote:
and figure out whether or not you really like HIM vs the attention.

Words for thought! May be the case here.

I don't quite understand what the book "Why Men Marry B****es" by Sherry Argov talks about, can you explain more?
 

10-07-2012 03:04 PM
DCMama01

Others might not agree with me, as some people think it's just playing games, but I recommend a book like "Why Men Marry B****es" by Sherry Argov. Particularly, if you think you might be needy. I think women do themselves a disservice putting the ball in a guy's court and overthinking whether or not he might be interested and what this or that means. Date and have fun, value yourself, and figure out whether or not you really like HIM vs the attention.

10-05-2012 05:52 AM
anon_abroad

Provocativa's definitely got a point, I'm old enough to remember pre-cell phone days too! :-) It's something to take into consideration, that's for sure.

10-05-2012 05:32 AM
provocativa

Hmmm.  Maybe I am just old, but I can remember relationships before texting.  There was no expectation of hearing from someone throughout the day, maybe just a phone call at night if you didn't have plans.  I'm wondering how the technology has influenced our expectations, and whether it fuels co-dependent tendencies in us.  I'm not saying that anon_abroad shouldn't dump the guy who is not actively pursuing her....I'm just wondering, in an abstract sense, about how this technology influences potential partner interactions. 
 

10-04-2012 06:15 AM
anon_abroad

I've decided to follow my own personal expectations and give up on this guy. If I want attention from a guy then that's what I want, no excuses/explanations needed, no following "rules". I'm not happy with a text or two /day, I'm worth more than that!

10-02-2012 09:03 PM
anon_abroad
Quote:
Anon - I may be mis-reading this but it was 2 dates in 4 months? If so, he is not into you if he can wait that long.

Yeah I wasn't clear: date 1 was with another guy months ago. Date 2 was just last weekend with this 'new' guy. I wanted to provide my dating history, or lack thereof! orngtongue.gif

 

I will keep the 'yellow' flag in mind. I agree, men often see normal expectations as 'neediness' (or in my XH's opinion, me being a total nag).

 

Thanks for your input!

10-02-2012 03:29 PM
zoeyzoo

Anon - I may be mis-reading this but it was 2 dates in 4 months? If so, he is not into you if he can wait that long.

 

I have found that what a guy calls "neediness" what usually just that the ex had standards, boundaries, and other things that are good for healthy relationships. I wouldn't be afraid to share your expectations and if he steps up to court you know he's not it. I understand guy may be getting to know you after the first few dates but after that they should know they are into you and want to explore something if they really want a relationship. Otherwise they will may exit plans, go hot/cold, etc. because they are not emotionally available for a relationship.

 

I actually don't want to demonize him, but calling an ex too needy and the fear it's instilling in you not to want to appear needy to keep him around is at least a yellow flag; possibly a red flag.

10-02-2012 01:43 PM
anon_abroad

No, I haven't done it, to avoid the possibility of scaring him off, which may happen regardless. I can see his texts are sort of gradually less 'sweet'.

I know that his last 'relationship' ended quikcly because the girl was too needy.

Not that I want to avoid to per se, I may very well be a needy type, but I get the feeling that he's keeping it very non-commital.

What I don't know is that if this is healthy or standoffish, as i have NO gauge of what's good/healthy/normal.
 

10-02-2012 01:24 PM
rubelin
Quote:
Originally Posted by anon_abroad View Post

Basically what I'm trying to say in this muddle of thoughts: I am conflicted between needing/wanting to learn how to develop a healthy relationship with a man at a healthy pace, and my personal desire to do things in a much more passional and spontaneous way, and having more frequent communication throughout the day. Maybe since I can't really do that without scaring this guy off means it isn't meant to be?
 

 

Do you mean that you have done that and it's scared him off or you THINK he'll be scared off?? I am all about speaking your mind and being clear about what you need in a relationship. And, yes, if that scares someone off, then you've done your job well by getting rid of someone who's wrong for you =)  BUT, I can also say that being really straight with guys in the past has resulted in some really amazing relationships for me, which totally makes up for the crappy guys who've disappeared!

10-02-2012 12:20 PM
anon_abroad

I was recently 'asked out' by a man I have known for many years as an acquaintance. This was my second date in over two years of 'singledom'. My first date experience about 4 months ago seemed pleasant enough at the time and left me feeling very flattered - there was nothing intimate, just dinner. But I was NOT physically attracted to date number one AT ALL and couldn't get past it. Just as well, I say. Now I've had date number two with this acquaintance of mine, and we're in touch daily through text messages (1 or 2 /day).

I'm beginning to feel conflicted: I would like to have a healthy relationship with a man after my disasterous relationship with my ex, but at the same time I think I may not be capable of it! I would like this person to be in touch more often, I want to feel wanted, I want to feel missed....but this guy is sooo patient, and laid back, calm....maybe he's not that into me?

It's like I need a course in dating 101 or something!

Basically what I'm trying to say in this muddle of thoughts: I am conflicted between needing/wanting to learn how to develop a healthy relationship with a man at a healthy pace, and my personal desire to do things in a much more passional and spontaneous way, and having more frequent communication throughout the day. Maybe since I can't really do that without scaring this guy off means it isn't meant to be?
 

08-11-2012 01:03 PM
DCMama01

Well, kudos to you mom for trusting your instincts! So many women don't.

08-08-2012 02:52 PM
jewel1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post


You are way off base and the toddler won't be little forever.

So true. And that's what I thought about. Really, it can happen at any age. 

08-08-2012 02:50 PM
jewel1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post

Yeah as a victim of sexual abuse as a child i TOTALLY disagree with you.  Not every child abuser is a "true" paedophile, and toddlers grow up into teenagers.  She didn't accuse him of anything, she just trusted her gut when it told her something is wrong with this picture.  That is the right thing to do.  I wish to god my parents had done that, rather than telling me, 20 years later "oh we WONDERED about him!". Cold, cold comfort.

Although I didn't experience sexual abuse as a child, I did experience it as an adult in a relationship. I later learned that my mom never had a good feeling about this person that I dated, nor did my siblings, OR friends. The problem is no one told me their thoughts until I had experienced the abuse-both physically, sexually, and emotionally. I was heartbroken in about every sense of the word and its definition because I had asked for thoughts and opinions and everyone just seemed okay with him. No one ever mentioned their concerns until the damage was done and I was trying to safely leave the relationship. 

 

I could not more wholly echo that when they told me their opinions about how they didn't think he was the good guy they acted like they thought he was; it was just as you described, a cold comfort. :-/

08-08-2012 02:41 PM
jewel1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

 

It's totally fine that you don't want to date him because something doesn't feel right about his relationship with this young girl. The texts probably were a little inappropriate. I wish you luck in your friendship with him, and possibly in a future romance with someone else.

 

But... it's a huge leap to not trusting him not to sexually harm your child. Isn't your child a toddler? Pedophilia is just... a really serious thing to accuse someone of, and it's also a really specific kink. As I said before, pedophiles are attracted to children who have yet to go through puberty. Like, children. I mean, I don't know him and I didn't talk to him, but unless he went on and on about how hot this girl was as a 7-year-old, I'll have to say that the fear he just might diddle your TODDLER seems a bit misquided.

I definitely feel happy and at peace with my decision with zero regrets. Honestly, I don't know if the texts were innocent or inappropriate... I never saw the them and I'm certainly not suggesting that they were or that they weren't. I simply don't know. Thanks for your well wishes. :) 

 

I agree...it is a big leap to even suggest that he may be a pedophile. With that said, I usually have a pretty good intuition about people's character, usually, and even when we were only friends, something just felt off about him. Until I learned about the text messages to the younger girl, I never had any evidence that caused me to feel the way I did, but when that occurred, I immediately decided it wasn't a risk I was willing to take. Truly, I don't think pedophiles go on and on to anyone about their attraction to someone much younger. If anything, I think the inner struggle and perversion is more often than not a secret and even hidden...sometimes for years. Therefore, because I think it's something that could be easily kept a secret and my gut was telling me something wasn't right, I think I did what was safe for myself and my child. Ultimately, I may never know if my intuition was right or wrong, but I'm okay with that.

07-18-2012 03:44 PM
philomom
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

It's totally fine that you don't want to date him because something doesn't feel right about his relationship with this young girl. The texts probably were a little inappropriate. I wish you luck in your friendship with him, and possibly in a future romance with someone else.

But... it's a huge leap to not trusting him not to sexually harm your child. Isn't your child a toddler? Pedophilia is just... a really serious thing to accuse someone of, and it's also a really specific kink. As I said before, pedophiles are attracted to children who have yet to go through puberty. Like, children. I mean, I don't know him and I didn't talk to him, but unless he went on and on about how hot this girl was as a 7-year-old, I'll have to say that the fear he just might diddle your TODDLER seems a bit misquided.


You are way off base and the toddler won't be little forever.
07-18-2012 02:51 PM
GoBecGo
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

 

It's totally fine that you don't want to date him because something doesn't feel right about his relationship with this young girl. The texts probably were a little inappropriate. I wish you luck in your friendship with him, and possibly in a future romance with someone else.

 

But... it's a huge leap to not trusting him not to sexually harm your child. Isn't your child a toddler? Pedophilia is just... a really serious thing to accuse someone of, and it's also a really specific kink. As I said before, pedophiles are attracted to children who have yet to go through puberty. Like, children. I mean, I don't know him and I didn't talk to him, but unless he went on and on about how hot this girl was as a 7-year-old, I'll have to say that the fear he just might diddle your TODDLER seems a bit misquided.

Yeah as a victim of sexual abuse as a child i TOTALLY disagree with you.  Not every child abuser is a "true" paedophile, and toddlers grow up into teenagers.  She didn't accuse him of anything, she just trusted her gut when it told her something is wrong with this picture.  That is the right thing to do.  I wish to god my parents had done that, rather than telling me, 20 years later "oh we WONDERED about him!". Cold, cold comfort.

07-18-2012 07:27 AM
MichelleZB
Quote:
Originally Posted by jewel1288 View Post

We have since talked more about what happened. My friend has been super apologetic, and while I can agree with you that he may have seen it as harmless, I can't move beyond the reasonable doubt that I have. She is the only one he texts from the other country, I asked to confirm. One friend of his knows he texts her, but even still, I just think it's so strange. Upon talking with him about, he already had decided to stop texting her because he said he didn't want it to look bad. 

 

Ha, yes, I do wish I would have googled it first. I wouldn't have a problem asking for a screen shot though, if I saw a future with him. I just don't now. I mean, how can a relationship even exist after such a misstep?! Deleting a text without permission or even asking...it's weird.

 

Having worked with teenagers in my own line of work, I cannot agree that a 15 year old is biologically an adult. Some young girls are more developed physically and emotionally, but not all are. This young girl, whom I have seen a photo, looks quite a bit younger than 15. Additionally, our brains are not fully developed until the age of 25, which my friend and I are both beyond the age of. So that again causes me concern because I think he should be more capable of seeing without my input or anyone else's input, that texting a young so much younger is alarming and doesn't look innocent. 

 

I've moved on from the idea that a relationship will bloom, but we are still chatting a bit. As has been said, I don't want to vilify him immediately. I can't reckon in my mind that he may really be the upstanding guy I thought he was and I don't want to date someone I can't trust isn't going to sexually harm my child or anyone's child.

 

It's totally fine that you don't want to date him because something doesn't feel right about his relationship with this young girl. The texts probably were a little inappropriate. I wish you luck in your friendship with him, and possibly in a future romance with someone else.

 

But... it's a huge leap to not trusting him not to sexually harm your child. Isn't your child a toddler? Pedophilia is just... a really serious thing to accuse someone of, and it's also a really specific kink. As I said before, pedophiles are attracted to children who have yet to go through puberty. Like, children. I mean, I don't know him and I didn't talk to him, but unless he went on and on about how hot this girl was as a 7-year-old, I'll have to say that the fear he just might diddle your TODDLER seems a bit misquided.

07-16-2012 09:12 PM
jewel1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

 

Okay, this is definite cause to be cautious, but I don't want to run to vilify this man right away. Maybe he really did just think it wasn't a big deal and you didn't need the text, so deleted it, not thinking that would bother you. If he works in mission work, it is possibly legit that he communicates with a lot of people.

 

I bet you're regretting not google translating the text when you got it!

 

I also want to contest what your friend said. This is not a red light for a pedophile. Even if he was sending totally inappropriate sexts to a teenaged girl, being attracted to a teenager is NOT pedophile behaviour. Teenagers are biologically fully adults; pedophiles are attracted to pre-pubescent children. An affair with a teenager may be illegal, but is not sexually deviant.

We have since talked more about what happened. My friend has been super apologetic, and while I can agree with you that he may have seen it as harmless, I can't move beyond the reasonable doubt that I have. She is the only one he texts from the other country, I asked to confirm. One friend of his knows he texts her, but even still, I just think it's so strange. Upon talking with him about, he already had decided to stop texting her because he said he didn't want it to look bad. 

 

Ha, yes, I do wish I would have googled it first. I wouldn't have a problem asking for a screen shot though, if I saw a future with him. I just don't now. I mean, how can a relationship even exist after such a misstep?! Deleting a text without permission or even asking...it's weird.

 

Having worked with teenagers in my own line of work, I cannot agree that a 15 year old is biologically an adult. Some young girls are more developed physically and emotionally, but not all are. This young girl, whom I have seen a photo, looks quite a bit younger than 15. Additionally, our brains are not fully developed until the age of 25, which my friend and I are both beyond the age of. So that again causes me concern because I think he should be more capable of seeing without my input or anyone else's input, that texting a young so much younger is alarming and doesn't look innocent. 

 

I've moved on from the idea that a relationship will bloom, but we are still chatting a bit. As has been said, I don't want to vilify him immediately. I can't reckon in my mind that he may really be the upstanding guy I thought he was and I don't want to date someone I can't trust isn't going to sexually harm my child or anyone's child.

07-16-2012 09:03 PM
jewel1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post

To me the feeling that it's weird would be enough.  I mean, i'm a mama bear, i don't need PROOF of wrongdoing to come out in protection of my cubs, just look at me wrong and if my gut believes you're trouble then you're in for it!

 

I totally thing i'd have done what you did, and run for the hills.

Right, that's how I feel. I haven't even asked for a screen shot because I don't think I need to know in order to end the idea of a relationship. Nothing is worth the risk of myself or my child!

07-15-2012 08:02 AM
GoBecGo

To me the feeling that it's weird would be enough.  I mean, i'm a mama bear, i don't need PROOF of wrongdoing to come out in protection of my cubs, just look at me wrong and if my gut believes you're trouble then you're in for it!

 

I totally thing i'd have done what you did, and run for the hills.

07-14-2012 10:32 PM
jewel1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by chel View Post

Wow, I would run. Never would I think to delete a text on someone else's phone. Also no desire to be with someone texting teen girls.

Exactly! What kind of normal guy texts teen girls? I can't shake the feeling that it's weird. 

07-14-2012 08:07 PM
rocky

He is hiding something.  Run.

If he told you the truth about the translation he would not have deleted it. 

So he has something to hide AND lied to you.  Generally speaking people who lie will continue to do so.   Or put another way one lie begets another - they get tangled up in it.  It is also very weird to delete someone's messages.  imposing, weird, icky, creepy.  If you're having a hard time getting away think those words.

Be strong, forget him and move on.   

07-14-2012 07:44 AM
MichelleZB
Quote:
Originally Posted by jewel1288 View Post

I had finally decided I was comfortable beginning a relationship with my friend. I felt like even though the distance was a concern, that I was willing to take the risk. I was nervous, but figured any relationship is a risk. A few days later, before we began dating, he accidentally sent me a text message in another language intended for someone else. I didn't think anything of it. Mostly because some of my friends are fluent in other languages and will sometimes send other fluent friends texts in a different language than English. My friend, whom I had decided to begin a relationship with, and I had plans to meet up later so I showed him the text and asked what it said because I don't speak any second languages. He told me what it meant and that he uses a translator app to communicate with said friend, who also happens to be a young girl...in another country...who is a teenager. Granted, he works in mission work and has known the girl for a while and also said she is the one who asked for his number and that they rarely communicate....I'm still very concerned because when I handed him my phone he deleted the text message without mentioning anything about it. I didn't notice it until later on. I asked him if he deleted it and he said yes, that he figured I didn't need it. I feel quite differently, that it was not his to delete. I also think it raises even more concern because if it was the harmless text me friend claims it to be, then why delete it. Thus far, he's been apologetic and even sent me what he said the text was, but it's not what I remember seeing. If I cared enough about the relationship, I'd ask for a screen shot, not just a copy and paste. 

 

The women in my life agree with me, it's a cause for concern and a red light for a pedophile. 

The men in my life think maybe not because he has known the young girl for years, but to me, that's even more cause for concern. 

 

Anyway, I have no plans to continue communicating with him because it's too big a risk for myself and my son. I'd still love some weigh in of opinions.

 

Okay, this is definite cause to be cautious, but I don't want to run to vilify this man right away. Maybe he really did just think it wasn't a big deal and you didn't need the text, so deleted it, not thinking that would bother you. If he works in mission work, it is possibly legit that he communicates with a lot of people.

 

I bet you're regretting not google translating the text when you got it!

 

I also want to contest what your friend said. This is not a red light for a pedophile. Even if he was sending totally inappropriate sexts to a teenaged girl, being attracted to a teenager is NOT pedophile behaviour. Teenagers are biologically fully adults; pedophiles are attracted to pre-pubescent children. An affair with a teenager may be illegal, but is not sexually deviant.

07-13-2012 07:38 AM
tayndrewsmama

Uh, I agree with chel 100%.  Run and run fast.  So sorry something like that happened, but I would consider it a blessing in disguise.

07-13-2012 06:07 AM
chel Wow, I would run. Never would I think to delete a text on someone else's phone. Also no desire to be with someone texting teen girls
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