Mothering Forums - Reply to Topic

Thread: Worst things said to you during or after your loss Reply to Thread
Title:
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Trackback:
Send Trackbacks to (Separate multiple URLs with spaces) :
Post Icons
You may choose an icon for your message from the following list:
 

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



  Additional Options
Miscellaneous Options

  Topic Review (Newest First)
03-15-2014 04:35 PM
Redmom

1.  "I hope you're not too upset".

 

2.  "Maybe it was for the best, this way you'll have more time to prepare for a baby"

 

3.  The nurse doing the pre Op for my D&C - "I'll need a urine sample" - Me "Why" - Nurse "So we can do a pregnancy test"......WTF....(I refused - she bullied me saying then they would need to take blood from me which would delay the procedure for an hour - I told her I didn't consent to that either.  No one bothered me about blood or urine after that).

 

4.  "I'm sorry about your miscarriage.  (Followed perkily by) So - are you going to try again (punching her fist in the air mimicking the "good old college try" gesture)."

06-23-2013 06:50 PM
mamamayhem To all those who lost a baby whether by choice or circumstance, it is a horrible ordeal and I hope that you found healing and peace in light of your terrible, priceless loss.
06-23-2013 06:50 PM
mamamayhem To all those who lost a baby whether by choice or circumstance, it is a horrible ordeal and I hope that you found healing and peace in light of your terrible, priceless loss.
06-23-2013 06:43 PM
mamamayhem Lost a baby over a year ago and dh family was completely dimissive. His bro in law said, "we dont give a shit about your dead baby" which completely baffled me at the time because they just gave birth to week old infant at the time. Dh mom and twin sisters informed me that I needed to get over my feelings. So needless to say I was completely crushed. Hope was not lost as I did get preggo again but when mil asked about hospital arrangements like I was extending an invitation I remained mum about my whereabouts. The only people there will be dh and I.
06-08-2013 09:53 AM
Sourire Jennyanydots - holy crap!!!!! That is one of the worst ones I've ever heard.
06-08-2013 09:40 AM
mamacatsbaby
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jennyanydots View Post

From the ER doctor, in response to my question about how long before I would be examined, as I lay in a pool of my own blood, hemorrhaging, having already had my bedding and pads changed three times in the almost two hours since I'd arrived by ambulance: "You're not the only patient in this hospital, you know. The OB is busy delivering someone else's baby. You just got here a half hour ago- you'll just have to wait."
Holy hell! jaw.gif Omfg, that truly had me on the verge of puke.gif . Great day in the morning, ugh!
06-07-2013 10:04 PM
Jennyanydots From the ER doctor, in response to my question about how long before I would be examined, as I lay in a pool of my own blood, hemorrhaging, having already had my bedding and pads changed three times in the almost two hours since I'd arrived by ambulance: "You're not the only patient in this hospital, you know. The OB is busy delivering someone else's baby. You just got here a half hour ago- you'll just have to wait."
06-07-2013 08:30 PM
morningtide

Worse thing from the nurse practitioner: "Are you sure you were pregnant?"

05-13-2013 08:45 PM
LLQ1011
Quote:
Originally Posted by J and Js mommy View Post

Shiloh Im glad u kicked her out!

Dang llq aren't moms the worst? Like they hate us half the time or something... I'm so glad I've been given boys. I never want to treat a daughter the way my mom has done me. Twisted I know. Just seems like having boys will be completely different


Me too!! Hopefully we can treat our daughter inlaws well too. Im hoping its just a generational thing and not an "I turned 49 so now I hate my children" thing.

05-13-2013 07:58 PM
j and js mommy Shiloh Im glad u kicked her out!

Dang llq aren't moms the worst? Like they hate us half the time or something... I'm so glad I've been given boys. I never want to treat a daughter the way my mom has done me. Twisted I know. Just seems like having boys will be completely different
05-13-2013 02:29 AM
Shiloh I think people who lack empathy simply don't care. My mom asked me if after I gave birth I'd be relieved not to be fat anymore - as I'm fat now - because no one shows at 17 weeks. She went on to tell me she was chubby and pleasantly plump when she was younger - and a size f'ing six. A size 6 is fat to her. I'm 60 pounds heavier than her fattest and a only a size 12, which she can't figure out why dp actually finds me still attractive. Family holidays just another reminder how dysfunctional people can be and how they can't shut their mouths even on special days. I'm eloping now.
05-12-2013 09:44 PM
LLQ1011
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh View Post

Mothers day.
My adult daughter home from college decides to make fun of my mc and me. I'm expecting again so "its okay" now. It was all funny funny at my expense. I called her out on it. She did appologise eventually realising she had gone to far. No one told her to stop. I tried 3x.
Then I left her at grandmas telling her to get a job and find an apartment as I'm not paying to be abused. She saw me lie in bed for two weeks so depressed I lost 15 pounds then. Putting the F in family.
And its mother's day.

What is wrong with people?
Why is this okay? Because its not a "real" person? I'm a real person and I was once 11 weeks, etc. Because people have abortions all the time and they don't ever feel anything negative. Because they knew someone who had a mc but it didn't affect them (because they weren't honest) Same bs that says a d&c "cleans" everything..


That is terrible. I pray she never has to deal with a miscarriage and know what it is like. I am so sorry. I don;t even know what I would do if my child acted that way. I am so sorry.

05-12-2013 07:54 PM
Shiloh Mothers day.
My adult daughter home from college decides to make fun of my mc and me. I'm expecting again so "its okay" now. It was all funny funny at my expense. I called her out on it. She did appologise eventually realising she had gone to far. No one told her to stop. I tried 3x.
Then I left her at grandmas telling her to get a job and find an apartment as I'm not paying to be abused. She saw me lie in bed for two weeks so depressed I lost 15 pounds then. Putting the F in family.
And its mother's day.

What is wrong with people?
Why is this okay? Because its not a "real" person? I'm a real person and I was once 11 weeks, etc. Because people have abortions all the time and they don't ever feel anything negative. Because they knew someone who had a mc but it didn't affect them (because they weren't honest) Same bs that says a d&c "cleans" everything..
05-11-2013 08:13 PM
LLQ1011
Quote:
Originally Posted by J and Js mommy View Post

Sourire I think the most hurtful things have/will come from family. They forget it's their relative(baby) that passed and we'd expect them to think of it that way but they don't. Sorry about your struggles w pregnancy. I'll never forget how my mom was dancing around and laughing the night of my sons funeral.


OMFG! I would have gotten violent.

 

I will never forget how my mom told me I killed my baby because I went to hospital. After 2 days of broken water and a a massive uterine infection at 18 weeks. I had to be in the hsopital for 5 days and my temp was 104. Then the second time she told me "You suffer the consequenses of you choices"

 

If I could adopt you ladies I would.

05-11-2013 04:42 PM
unuselyriver

i feel so so sorry for the moms on hear that have lost there babies and there family where total unsensitive at least i can say that my dad and my husband that i have now get just as upset as i did when i would loss a baby my last husband cry when we lost are first born dd but did not want to talk about after her funeral but i think it was cause he was hurting but it hurt me cause no one would talk about her

05-11-2013 12:31 PM
j and js mommy Sourire I think the most hurtful things have/will come from family. They forget it's their relative(baby) that passed and we'd expect them to think of it that way but they don't. Sorry about your struggles w pregnancy. I'll never forget how my mom was dancing around and laughing the night of my sons funeral.
05-11-2013 12:29 PM
LLQ1011
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sourire View Post

I recently got pregnant for the first time via IVF after almost 3 years of TTC. At 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding heavily and my doctor told me there was only a very small chance that my pregnancy was viable. At 6 weeks pregnant the doctor confirmed that it was over.

Here are some of the comments that hurt me the most:

From my mom - "Is that even considered a miscarriage? Most people don't even know they're pregnant at this point."

From my dad, after I told him that I couldn't face going to work right now and was hoping to get a doctor's note so I could have some time off - "that would have to be a pretty incompetent doctor to write you a note for that. A miscarriage is not a good reason to miss work." (That comment upset me so much that I cried for the rest of the day after hearing it).

From my husband, after I complained to him about what my dad said to me - "stop being so sensitive".

Omg! I am so sorry! Family sucks.
05-11-2013 10:43 AM
Sourire I recently got pregnant for the first time via IVF after almost 3 years of TTC. At 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding heavily and my doctor told me there was only a very small chance that my pregnancy was viable. At 6 weeks pregnant the doctor confirmed that it was over.

Here are some of the comments that hurt me the most:

From my mom - "Is that even considered a miscarriage? Most people don't even know they're pregnant at this point."

From my dad, after I told him that I couldn't face going to work right now and was hoping to get a doctor's note so I could have some time off - "that would have to be a pretty incompetent doctor to write you a note for that. A miscarriage is not a good reason to miss work." (That comment upset me so much that I cried for the rest of the day after hearing it).

From my husband, after I complained to him about what my dad said to me - "stop being so sensitive".
05-07-2013 11:30 AM
aoifesmiles

naturelle, sounds like you handled everything very well. 

05-07-2013 11:29 AM
aoifesmiles
Quote:
Originally Posted by japonica View Post

 

Just wanted to say that I could have written a lot of your post too. I just wish that people wouldn't use this time to throw religious sentiment around without, first, any consideration if the parents are actually observant for a start and second, a bit of sense as to how their words sound to a newly grieving parent.

 

I heard it all: 

 

There's a reason for it.

It wasn't meant to be.

God wanted her.

Jesus wanted her.

God had some higher purpose for her.

It's part of God's plan and you just need faith.

Now you have an angel (oh, lucky me).

 

Do people not just sit back and hear how these words sound to someone who has just buried their child? I mean, it's been almost ten years and while talking to two missionaries at my door today, I brought up her death and got the angel spiel from them and I cringed. Do people tell someone who has lost a spouse or a parent that they are so fortunate now because they have an angel? Really?

 

Oh and ten years on, my peace is that I know she exists because my love for her never falters. It's a constant, something that I will carry with me until the end of my days. But the larger, grandiose insight into whatever the PLAN was? Nope, I don't have it. Oh well.

Exactly, it's actually quite rude for people to assume that you hold the same religious beliefs at them when trying to comfort them after a loss. In my opinion, they are saying it for their own comfort, because nobody can make sense of why babies die. People need meaning for it.  I don't need meaning, it's nature, it doesn't have to make sense.  It's unfair, but it doesn't need to actually mean anything. I carry the memory of my sons in my heart, they live on in our lives as a family in our day to day chats. We always include them in our family count. I really think the best things that any of my friends have said to me was nothing at all. It was the ones who cried with me, who just sat their feeling my pain with me for that one moment. The ones who brought food around, or just texted to say hi and that they were thinking of me.  Thankfully there were way more of those than the others. 

05-07-2013 01:15 AM
japonica
Quote:
Originally Posted by aoifesmiles View Post

I can't stand any comments about fate, god, or heaven. Comments like "all things happen for a reason" really get my back up. Calling it god's will, or telling me my baby is now an angel. All annoying. My grandmother said it was probably god's way of saying I have enough children. I just lost my son at 20 weeks pregnant less than a week ago. I also lost my first baby at 24 weeks, so I'm not too sure what god's message was then according to my grandmother's logic. My most least favourite comment was sent to me in an email saying that maybe my baby missed his heaven home and god, maybe he was homesick and wanted to go back. BARF!!

 

Just wanted to say that I could have written a lot of your post too. I just wish that people wouldn't use this time to throw religious sentiment around without, first, any consideration if the parents are actually observant for a start and second, a bit of sense as to how their words sound to a newly grieving parent.

 

I heard it all: 

 

There's a reason for it.

It wasn't meant to be.

God wanted her.

Jesus wanted her.

God had some higher purpose for her.

It's part of God's plan and you just need faith.

Now you have an angel (oh, lucky me).

 

Do people not just sit back and hear how these words sound to someone who has just buried their child? I mean, it's been almost ten years and while talking to two missionaries at my door today, I brought up her death and got the angel spiel from them and I cringed. Do people tell someone who has lost a spouse or a parent that they are so fortunate now because they have an angel? Really?

 

Oh and ten years on, my peace is that I know she exists because my love for her never falters. It's a constant, something that I will carry with me until the end of my days. But the larger, grandiose insight into whatever the PLAN was? Nope, I don't have it. Oh well.

05-05-2013 10:21 AM
naturelle

When I reached out she said (via her husband) that she was grateful, she's just not ready to talk yet.  I told her I would understand if she wanted me to give her space for a little while.

 

I wish I lived closer so I could go and take her some food, but she moved to another country just as she fell pregnant, and so she naturally has a weaker support network over there too.

 

Sorry for your loss aoifesmiles, and that you've had unwelcome comments made.  I think LLQ summed it up pretty well when she said that it can be lonely when the whole world doesn't know what to say to you.  I guess it's best to just keep it simple and be there.  People feel the need to say something that they think will make you feel better but really nothing makes you feel better in that situation apart from time, and even that won't do it completely.

05-04-2013 06:43 AM
aoifesmiles I can't stand any comments about fate, god, or heaven. Comments like "all things happen for a reason" really get my back up. Calling it god's will, or telling me my baby is now an angel. All annoying. My grandmother said it was probably god's way of saying I have enough children. I just lost my son at 20 weeks pregnant less than a week ago. I also lost my first baby at 24 weeks, so I'm not too sure what god's message was then according to my grandmother's logic. My most least favourite comment was sent to me in an email saying that maybe my baby missed his heaven home and god, maybe he was homesick and wanted to go back. BARF!!
05-02-2013 07:28 PM
j and js mommy And that bs line, God needed another angel, that really irritated me. And I'm religious.
05-02-2013 06:30 PM
maos211 From someone who had a couple of miscarriages and the loss of aa newborn in the NICU, please don't tell her cliche things like " all will be fine", "everything happens for a reason, "god knows what he is found" etc etc just be there. Treat her normal.
05-02-2013 02:12 PM
SunandRain
Quote:
Originally Posted by naturelle View Post

I have just found a thread started by LLQ about the best things said to you after a loss.  Would still be grateful for any replies on how to handle this in the most gentle and sensitive way.
Just say I'm sorry. Let her cry. Dont be afraid to talk about HER baby. Bring over meals. Ask if she is OK with seeing you....I had a pregnant friend stop by unexpectedly, and I held it together while she was over but cried all day after she left. I'm sure she will want to stop by again sometime with the baby; I hope she asks first.
05-02-2013 12:23 PM
lilmom Naturelle, I agree with sending flowers and just reaching out. My dear friend made a full meal and brought it to my house and offered to watch my son during my second loss last year. It was so wonderful. She never tried to justify my loss somehow the way others have during all my losses. She just tried to help me. And that meant the world to me. She asked what I needed. Also, I had a friend who was pregnant with me too, and I have not seen her baby in person since she lives several hours away, and I know when I do it will be hard. But I also have been able to move past it enough that I would be happy and excited to see her baby. She basically stayed quiet and didn't talk to us early on. And that was ok, because I couldn't take any talk of pregnancy, but at the same time, some acknowledgement of our loss wouldve been nice. I think it's great you are there for your friend, and congrats on your baby.
05-01-2013 03:55 PM
naturelle

Thank you both for your advice.  I know I will not forget the baby's name but I have made a note of the date so that I can give her support when the 1 year anniversary comes around.

 

She is not taking any calls at the moment but said she would return my call when she's ready.  She needs time and space.  I definitely wouldn't say anything about my pregnancy.  I just want to give her a big hug and cry with her.  She lives in Brazil so I will have to look up where to get an edible arrangement sent from, that's a lovely idea, and fruits would be an easy thing for her to stomach.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by J and Js mommy View Post

And SHAME on those doctors for letting her go that overdue! Damn them.

I can't help thinking that if her c section had been scheduled a few days earlier, this could have all been avoided... Obviously that is not a good thing to say to a grieving mother, but it's what I am thinking.

 

Thanks again for the responses and I'm sorry for your own losses, so heart-breaking.

05-01-2013 02:29 PM
j and js mommy I second the don't talk about your pregnancy but call her. With us it seemed like no one would just call us or just stop by. We were supposed to reach out to others-he'll no we were too depressed to do that. An edible arrangement was really nice of an attorney I worked with. U could order her one. I'm sure she doesn't want to eat now but coming from u it would get her eating I bet. And SHAME on those doctors for letting her go that overdue! Damn them.
05-01-2013 10:03 AM
LLQ1011

No don't back off. I would cal her and let her talk it out. Dont talk about your pregnancy and so on. But still reach out. If she wants space she just wont answer. Send her flowers. The biggest deal is to remember. Its so common that everyone forgets or moves on and on the mother and father are left to be the only ones who remember.

 

My whole life growing up my mother set Lilies to her friend who lost her son at birth on his birthday. I always thought how wonderful ti was she did that. (too bad she doesn't remember or aknowledge my daughter and sons birthdays but oh well)

 

I find myself just wishing someone else would remember. So though you might not be able to do much for her right now the opportunity to help her and her family in this terrible situation never ends. My friend does a march of dimes walk every year and we always donate. He friends and family walk with her every year (its been 5) just wait for her cues. She will hint and so on. Remember the babies name and so on. I HATE when my sister or someone asks me what I named them for the 100th time.

 

I am so sorry for you friend. It is the hardest pain and grief to lose a child. It can be so lonely at times when the whole world doesn't know what to say.

This thread has more than 30 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off