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  Topic Review (Newest First)
01-09-2013 08:07 AM
MarineWife January thread: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1371874/january-2013-rockstar-mamas

Hm, Kat, I don't know if you look bigger. Your belly does look a little different, maybe more pointy rather than rounded out over your whole belly. I don't see your belly lower. Actually, it kind of looks to me like N was lower at 33w. shrug.gif
01-09-2013 04:15 AM
akind1

Plain old handwashing is the best defense against nasty germs. Unless you are in situations that require it (like healthcare or childcare)  I think a few times a day - if that - should be plenty. Our kids' hands get washed around mealtimes and baths, and whenever they might get sticky.

 

I have a couple beefs with hand sanitizer 1) it's overused - seriously 2)most are alcohol based, and dry out your skin, used during a particularly dry time of year, your hands are likely to get dry and cracked which the cracks are open sores for germs. 3) not all germs are bad.

 

In handwashing class they teach the 3 main ingredients of a good wash are friction, soap, and warm water. Believe it or not, the most important part is friction.that's what gets rid of most of the bad guys. you really don't need special antibacterial soap.

 

this is a pretty mainstream article, but still, I think a decent one: http://thestir.cafemom.com/healthy_living/128285/hand_washing_101_tips_you

 

And even in their list of things, most of those kids won't be doing (raw chicken, contacts, etc)

 

No matter how well someone knows us, I think it helps immeasurabley to have whatever we are saying reinforced by a 3rd party. It's like hearing it for the first time. Why, I don't know, but it's true. I really hope you can manage to continue to go.

 

Annie - glad Ava's feeling more herself.

 

I'm fine - 32 weeks today! - time is flying, I need to work on a budget as soon as I figure out what my paycheck is going to look like this year. I've increased my FSA, and then taxes are going up 2%. joy. Need to pay for the baby stuff!  I really, really, want some NB AIO (8-10 I think) for out and about. buying used, I think I can do that for under $100. And I will easily recoup all the money spent. And they are cute. But I have to have the $$ up front. Or I could just spend (or we may be given) 20-40 on disposables for out and about. No money recouped, but less up front. DH is letting me decide. yay.

 

DH remarked last night how big I am. I honestly don't think I was this big with Norah at this point. need to do some comparison pics. I also feel like he's lower. I am really hoping he comes a little sooner than 41+6 this time.

 

ETA: comparison shot (31 weeks with N, 32 weeks (today) with T, 33 weeks with N)

01-08-2013 08:28 PM
MarineWife
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

I totally get that. I really do. And I'm happy that we're here to hold that space with you so that you know that you are being heard and that your frustration is a real thing. I think we all know that you do love your DH just as he loves you and the boys. We've met him, remember? Unless he's the world's greatest actor, he's a devoted and caring father, albeit not the most observant. winky.gif Vent away.

Thank you for that. You don't know how good it makes feel for someone else to say that they see how Sean cares for us. Sometimes I get so caught up in the little things that I don't see that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

I called DH on my dinner break and Ava was totally fine except she was pissed that I was interrupting the start of  "BUBBLE", her new word for bath. So she doesn't appear to be in pain. She has her 18 month WBV next Friday so unless she's totally acting out of sorts, I'll just have her regular pedi give her ears the once over when we are there for that.

Talk to me about hand washing and hand sanitizer. I see people on FB and in real life washing the crap out of their hands and their kids' hands as well as using hand sanitizer. This may sound super gross but a lot of days, the only time Ava's hands get washed are when she's in the bathtub, even when we are out shopping, etc. I have a half-baked idea that excessive handwashing and hand sanitizing can actually make people sick. Am I totally off base here? Ava is hardly sick compared to my nieces or other kids I know here locally. Is it just chance?

Glad Ava seems to be doing better. I love that she got mad that you interrupted her bubble bath. I would me bad, too. winky.gif

I only wash Dylan's hands when he gets something on them like ketchup or ranch dressing. I do wipe them periodically when I change him if he sticks his fingers in his butt. We never use hand sanitizer. I refuse. I wash my hands after using the bathroom and other times when I feel like they are dirty, like when cooking or after doing laundry if I feel like I got detergent on them. I tell Ethan and Kellen to wash their hands after using the toilet and before eating or handling food. I think Ethan is pretty good about that, at least the bathroom thing. Kellen, not so much.

I do think hand washing is important but not a gazillion times a day. Only when hands are dirty. I think using hand sanitizer is completely unnecessary and may actually be harmful.
01-08-2013 08:14 PM
AnnieA
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

I know I've been complaining about him a lot. I'm really not complaining so much as just trying to get things off my chest. I feel like I need to be completely honest and tell someone what I'm really thinking and feeling. If I can get it out of my head, it seems to dissipate faster. If I keep it inside because I don't want to sound like I'm always bitching about my husband or whatever, it festers. I do appreciate you all letting me put all of this out there.

A friend of mine on Facebook posted a link to a blog post about how someone had had a good marriage for 15 years or something like that. She had a list of 10 things to do or not do to keep your marriage good. I didn't agree with everything but there was one thing about having a husband pact with girlfriends that I really liked. The idea was to have at least one girlfriend to whom you could complain about your husband without her judging or trying to fix things and her understanding a week later when you are back to all love and giggles with the same man you were ready to kill before. I loved that. smile.gif

I totally get that. I really do. And I'm happy that we're here to hold that space with you so that you know that you are being heard and that your frustration is a real thing. I think we all know that you do love your DH just as he loves you and the boys. We've met him, remember? Unless he's the world's greatest actor, he's a devoted and caring father, albeit not the most observant. winky.gif Vent away.

 

I called DH on my dinner break and Ava was totally fine except she was pissed that I was interrupting the start of  "BUBBLE", her new word for bath. So she doesn't appear to be in pain. She has her 18 month WBV next Friday so unless she's totally acting out of sorts, I'll just have her regular pedi give her ears the once over when we are there for that.

 

Talk to me about hand washing and hand sanitizer. I see people on FB and in real life washing the crap out of their hands and their kids' hands as well as using hand sanitizer. This may sound super gross but a lot of days, the only time Ava's hands get washed are when she's in the bathtub, even when we are out shopping, etc. I have a half-baked idea that excessive handwashing and hand sanitizing can actually make people sick. Am I totally off base here? Ava is hardly sick compared to my nieces or other kids I know here locally. Is it just chance?

01-08-2013 07:41 PM
MarineWife
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

Ethan's birthday sounds fun! I tried to do a lego cake for DSS 12's birthday one year but I couldn't figure out how to do the raised pieces. I ended up just stacking cake pieces and I bought a Lego Star Wars kit and put it together to put on the cake. The 8 yr old boys all loved it. Have you guys ever done a party at Jump In Jax? One of my friends just had her little boy's birthday party there last weekend and she posted pics on her FB. It looks like a lot of fun. They have a toddler area and then an area for older kids. The age range at his b-day party was 2 to teen and everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves. May be an option if you've never tried it.

I have been to Jump In Jax. I'm not a fan. I don't think it's very well supervised. The last time we were there Kellen smashed his mouth into Ethan's head because he went down a slide too soon after Ethan went down and bounced up and they bonked. That wouldn't concern me too much because stuff happens except that when I looked around I noticed there was no one who worked there watching any of the bouncers or supervising when kids could go on things. While I think that a lot of that should be the parents' responsibility, the place has some liability in that and should provide a safe environment in the same way that lifeguards at the pool man the slides and diving boards. It was impossible for me to keep track of everyone in there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

I don't know whether Ava's issues right now are teeth or the abx aren't helping her ear. Ugh. She keeps her hand in her mouth pretty much the whole day. I called the nurse last night because even after she had had ibuprofen, she was still screaming for DH. He got her settled and to bed so the nurse said wait to see how she was this morning. She was happy and smiley until about lunchtime then started getting crabby. Ugh. I don't know. And this waking at 3 or 4 AM and wanting to play crap is going to drive me bonkers. But she's WIDE awake. I just don't get it. She was totally happy as long as I wasn't trying to keep her in bed.

Poor little thing. I would think, if it was teething, the ibuprofen would help. You could try some warm olive oil in her ears. That is supposed to be soothing. Warm olive oil with garlic is even better. Most of the time, ear infections don't require abx. The abx may be making her feel bad, too. I got sick from abx the last time I took them and had to stop before I finished.

It is funny in way how others interpret what we say. However, when you've been with someone for 13 years it seems to me they should have figured out that no interpretation is needed. eyesroll.gif As I've been thinking about things I've been having not getting really annoyed at all the things that he still does not get. I am really shocked that he would say he finally knows how I feel. I'm not one to hide or disguise how I feel or expect the other person to read my mind. I am very open and honest and blunt about it, maybe too much so. I think he's stuck in the idea that women don't say straight out what they really want or feel and it's up to the man to try to figure it out and isn't thinking of me as the person and individual. I am not like that. Anyway...

I know I've been complaining about him a lot. I'm really not complaining so much as just trying to get things off my chest. I feel like I need to be completely honest and tell someone what I'm really thinking and feeling. If I can get it out of my head, it seems to dissipate faster. If I keep it inside because I don't want to sound like I'm always bitching about my husband or whatever, it festers. I do appreciate you all letting me put all of this out there.

A friend of mine on Facebook posted a link to a blog post about how someone had had a good marriage for 15 years or something like that. She had a list of 10 things to do or not do to keep your marriage good. I didn't agree with everything but there was one thing about having a husband pact with girlfriends that I really liked. The idea was to have at least one girlfriend to whom you could complain about your husband without her judging or trying to fix things and her understanding a week later when you are back to all love and giggles with the same man you were ready to kill before. I loved that. smile.gif
01-08-2013 02:46 PM
AnnieA

It is always funny how we hear and interpret things our partners say. We put our own internal spin on things, even when it doesn't need to be there. I'm glad you guys had a good experience.

 

Ethan's birthday sounds fun! I tried to do a lego cake for DSS 12's birthday one year but I couldn't figure out how to do the raised pieces. I ended up just stacking cake pieces and I bought a Lego Star Wars kit and put it together to put on the cake. The 8 yr old boys all loved it. Have you guys ever done a party at Jump In Jax? One of my friends just had her little boy's birthday party there last weekend and she posted pics on her FB. It looks like a lot of fun. They have a toddler area and then an area for older kids. The age range at his b-day party was 2 to teen and everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves. May be an option if you've never tried it.

 

I don't know whether Ava's issues right now are teeth or the abx aren't helping her ear. Ugh. She keeps her hand in her mouth pretty much the whole day. I called the nurse last night because even after she had had ibuprofen, she was still screaming for DH. He got her settled and to bed so the nurse said wait to see how she was this morning. She was happy and smiley until about lunchtime then started getting crabby. Ugh. I don't know. And this waking at 3 or 4 AM and wanting to play crap is going to drive me bonkers. But she's WIDE awake. I just don't get it. She was totally happy as long as I wasn't trying to keep her in bed.

01-08-2013 05:46 AM
MarineWife Carrie ~ If you are sick, rest! The more you rest the sooner you'll get really better. Can't Chris help with your chores while you are down?

Kat ~ I hear you on this month flying by. It's already almost Ethan's birthday this Sunday! Do you need any boy stuff? I have a ton! (hmm...I've been trying to get this stuff out of my house forever. Maybe I'll just send it all to you and let you deal with. Mwahahaha winky.gif)

As usual, it has sneaked up on me even though I've been reminding myself of it since before Christmas. There is nothing to do in this town in the winter, nowhere to have a cool party for a 9 year old. My friend came up with the idea of a Lego party so we are going with that. She found some pics of some really cool cakes. I posted the one Ethan wants on my Facebook so I would remember and could show it to bakers on my phone. No one in this lame town does fondant! How can you bake specialty cakes and not do fondant? They also don't do specially shaped cakes or tiered cakes. WTH?! But, we may be saved. I forgot that Sean worked in a bakery for several years as a teenager. We're going to try to make it ourselves. Eeek! He came up with the idea of making a rectangular cake and putting a bunch of upside down cupcake bottoms around the cake like the pegs on a lego block. So easy! I found out you can buy sheets of already made and colored fondant at Michael's Craft Store. The only problem is that it doesn't taste very good. But, Sean looked some things up yesterday and said you are supposed to put buttercream frosting on the cake before putting the fondant on, so that should make it taste ok.

I still need to get to TRU and the party supply store to see if I can find Lego plates, cups, decorations and a pinata. I'm excited about it all now. Yesterday, I was upset that I had, again, waited too long and couldn't find anywhere to have a party. If this goes well, maybe most of our parties will be at home from now on. smile.gif

Kellen has been really hyper at night the past 3 or 4 nights, too. I don't know what that's about. He's always full of energy but these past few days he has been out of control. I was awake at 7:30 this morning because he peed on me in his sleep! He has peed in his pants several times in the past couple of days because he's been so busy playing that he didn't want to stop to go to the bathroom. He peed in his pants at the bakery yesterday even though there was a bathroom right there. When I asked him why he didn't tell me he had to go he just shrugged. Sean said he's becoming more and more like Ryan and that is so true. Ryan wet the bed sometimes until he was 9 or 10 years old.

Yes, we are seeing the counselor again Monday and then Tuesday of the following week because she's not working on MLK, Jr. day. After that we will, hopefully, see her every Monday night regularly. I've seen her before. She's the counselor I went to a few times right after having Dylan. I think we'll be ok with her. She did give me a funny look when I told her the story about not going to the Marine Corps Ball because Dylan was/is still nursing. But, all she said about that was to ask if I never pumped and gave a bottle, to which I said I don't. If she asks more, I'll just explain how it works to her. winky.gif

I think it was really good for Sean to hear from a 3rd party who sees a lot of single and married Marines that our issues are normal for the Marine Corps. and having to go through multiple deployments, especially longer ones like he has had to do. I've been telling him that since he came home after Kellen was born but he wouldn't accept it. He always took it as me attacking the Marine Corps. He still doesn't understand me much, which is really frustrating because I'm not a wishy-washy, guess what I'm thinking kind of person. I tell it like it is but he seems to not believe that. He thinks he has to interpret some hidden message but there isn't one.

It was kind of funny on the drive home because I asked what he thought of it. He said he thought it was a good start. He said one of the main things he got out of it was to learn how I really felt. Um, I've been telling him how I really feel for years now, but ok. So, what new thing did he learn about how I feel? He said that I think of myself as solely a mother because I said that is who I am. Again, um, no, I never said that. What I said was that being a mother is a very big part of who I am right now. That's a perfect example of him trying to interpret what I've said and making it something that it's not. Maybe it's because I said that it's my job and him refusing to do something with the kids the way I do it is like me going to his office and doing his job and telling him to piss off when he tells me that they don't do things that way but they do them this way instead. His job, his title, is who he is. He doesn't work for the Marine Corps. He is a Marine. So maybe the work analogy that I used made him think that I thought of myself as only what I do for my "work".

Also, I've been telling him stuff like that forever. I have always said if I am ever put in a situation where I have to chose what's best for my kids or something, I will choose my kids every time. It started with him becoming Ryan's stepfather. I told him straight up that if he ever put me in a position where I felt I had to choose between the two of them, I would choose Ryan. I told him that was about abuse situations but he took that to me for any little thing. Again, him trying to interpret what I mean instead of just taking my words at face value.

So, the last thing I told him is that maybe he should take whatever he thinks I have meant and tell himself that it's wrong and throw that idea out the window and then think about what's left. lol.gif Kind of like me deciding right before I met him that since I always seemed to choose idiot men that I would run the opposite direction from any man that I was immediately attracted to and go for the guy who seemed nice but didn't necessarily get my motor running right away. My first choice was obviously not the best one so I needed to throw those out.
01-08-2013 04:23 AM
akind1

MW: I'm glad to hear good news! I hope it can become a regular thing, and that the counselor and you clicked.

 

I am so tired. I need to talk to DH  . . . nothing big, but since his vasectomy, he's been letting me fall asleep with Gabe, and I would still like some grown up time. He used to make sure I'd wake up so we could maybe DTD before bed. He's still in recoup mode, so I don't know if he's just tired himself, or sees no point? I haven't watched grown up TV or eaten icecream since his surgery, bc I can't stay awake. Granted, I've also been down with this damn bug, so maybe I'll be able to wake my own self up. Gabe was soooo restless last night! he was bouncing, and usually he's not THAT wired at bedtime.

 

I tell you, this month is screaming by. I need to figure out a timeline to get things done before this baby is born. I keep putting it off, assuming I have time, and that's just not true. Two IRL friends had babies this weekend, and one is scheduled for induction tomorrow. Her pregnancy has been HELL. major hyper emesis - she's STILL on a Zofran pump - GD with insulin. It's her second pregnancy, and likely her last. I think they might adopt in the future. I am so eager to meet her little one, and I know she's eager to move on from pregnancy. One friend had a quick, easy VBAC, the other had an emergency c-section due to abruptrion, but baby seems to be doing well in NICU. Just shows the gamut of stuff that *can* happen. good and bad. Anyway . . . Yeah. I need to wash clothes, organize kids rooms, fold existing laundry, put out an ISO of the remaining clothes I need, I want some NB AIO diapers, I found a WAHM brand I like that's really reasonable. I need to finish paying my doula, pay for my maternity pictures .. .*sigh* I'm not stressed, but maybe I should be.

 

Carrie: Are you feeling any better?

 

JJ: how's Tenley doing? still leaps and bounds?

 

EuroMama - havent' heard from you in a while.

 

Annie? Laurie? . . . .

01-07-2013 08:45 PM
AnnieA
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

Kat ~ That made me laugh, too. That's a great way of describing it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who had issues with that. Makes me feel like it's not too big of a deal. KWIM?
counseling went well, I think. I did more laughing than com plaining and felt lighter when we left. the counselor said we had very common problems, especially with military couples. whew! she said they are fixable. I liked that she asked us what the other could do to make us feel supported. I felt like that was a step toward actually doing something rather than just talking about it. I spent four years or so talking about stuff with a marriage therapist and never got anywhere. she never asked me what would make me feel better or worse. anyway, happy about that.
Carrie, I think to asked what I do about childcare. a friend watched my kids. I didn't tell her it was for counseling. I used the refi as an excuse. If this becomes regular, I will probably have to tell her the truth. If we can keep Monday night's, Ryan might be able to babysit a lot.


SO glad it went well! Do you guys have plans to go back again soon?

01-07-2013 08:11 PM
onetwoten
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

counseling went well, I think. I did more laughing than com plaining and felt lighter when we left. the counselor said we had very common problems, especially with military couples. whew! she said they are fixable. I liked that she asked us what the other could do to make us feel supported. I felt like that was a step toward actually doing something rather than just talking about it. I spent four years or so talking about stuff with a marriage therapist and never got anywhere. she never asked me what would make me feel better or worse. anyway, happy about that.

I'm glad it went well for you guys! Keep thinking positive. You guys can do this. 

01-07-2013 06:57 PM
MarineWife Kat ~ That made me laugh, too. That's a great way of describing it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who had issues with that. Makes me feel like it's not too big of a deal. KWIM?

counseling went well, I think. I did more laughing than com plaining and felt lighter when we left. the counselor said we had very common problems, especially with military couples. whew! she said they are fixable. I liked that she asked us what the other could do to make us feel supported. I felt like that was a step toward actually doing something rather than just talking about it. I spent four years or so talking about stuff with a marriage therapist and never got anywhere. she never asked me what would make me feel better or worse. anyway, happy about that.

Carrie, I think to asked what I do about childcare. a friend watched my kids. I didn't tell her it was for counseling. I used the refi as an excuse. If this becomes regular, I will probably have to tell her the truth. If we can keep Monday night's, Ryan might be able to babysit a lot.
01-07-2013 05:02 PM
AnnieA
Quote:
Originally Posted by akind1 View Post
I think that's why husbands are told to love their wives (because they tend to be selfish creatures who forget), and women are told to respect their husbands (not because we are really meant to be subordinate, submissive nimwits) - but because men really are that stupid in some areas that respect is what comes hard. It's easy to love them. Respect is harder, and it's what they crave more than love.

ROTFLMAO.gifI think that is the best explanation of that verse I've ever seen. And so totally true.

 

A friend from church just announced that she's pregnant and I'm having serious baby-envy. And I'm in my LP so I know it's not pre-O hormones...yikes!
 

01-07-2013 11:00 AM
Baby_Cakes

I wish I could take a sick day!!  Ugh, this cold is AWFUL!!!  

 

Diapers are drying, towels are washing, sheets are next.  I feel like I still need to keep my routine at least a bit.  I hate being sick!!  I'm willing to let the toy mess pile up but I can't skip over my weekly chores.  Otherwise playing catch up will kill me next week!  I still have to wipe down the bathroom and at least fold a bin of clean laundry.

01-07-2013 10:21 AM
akind1

Yes, thank God, we are feeling better. Kids are still cranky and clingy.

 

I couldn't PIAC at the OB this morning. Oh well. A friend had a successful VBAC this weekend - so happy for her! she taught a CD class in the morning, and had the baby 3 hours later. Thrilled. I need to get on the ball and get this baby's stuff together. I don't feel prepared. I need time. was going to do some this weekend, but sickness derailed us. oh well.

 

This baby is so active - a good thing, but exhausting.

 

talking to DH's. . . . I don't think I'm every downright nasty. Sarcastic? yeah . . . but generally not mean. But I'm not mean to anybody (to their face. I admit to saying some very unkind things about my sister. But I think generally they are honest things, LOL). I think when it comes to our spouses sometimes, they are the one person we don't censor ourselves with, which can be both good and bad.

 

Stupid people - yes, they are hard to deal with. it's one thing for them to be peripheral  - like Sunshine  - her stupidity likely doesn't directly affect you and yours. Sean's though? whether it's intellectual or emotional stupidity - it's hard having to live with that - it DOES affect you and the boys. You want to be able to respect your husband. I know you are not a religious person, but I think that's why husbands are told to love their wives (because they tend to be selfish creatures who forget), and women are told to respect their husbands (not because we are really meant to be subordinate, submissive nimwits) - but because men really are that stupid in some areas that respect is what comes hard. It's easy to love them. Respect is harder, and it's what they crave more than love.

 

I have less than 2 weeks until my maternity pictures! and a mama baby blessing! I am excited about both.

01-07-2013 09:39 AM
MarineWife Kat ~ Glad everyone is feeling better. Sickness is never any fun.

JJ ~ It's amazing how they grow in leaps and bounds. I've been wondering at how grown up Dylan seems lately.

I asked dh yesterday why he's resistant about talking with a Chaplain. He said because they all talk to each other. It's supposed to be confidential unless someone is a danger to himself or others. We were told when dh first joined the Marine Corps that the Chaplain was the only person who was completely confidential. I guess they have their religious/confession type rules as well as legal rules about confidentiality. I told dh that even if they do talk to each other, they should never identify anyone. He kind of shrugged. I understand his trepidation but, like you said Annie, they've heard all kinds of things and we don't have anything really serious going on. It's not like we have illegal activity or abuse or child neglect issues. I think it's pretty normal relationship problems.

I must have missed a post somewhere because I didn't see the one from Annie about how we talk to each other. I am guilty of being nasty to dh. I know it and I want to change it but it's like my mouth has a mind of it's own sometimes. I can't deal with stupid very well. I can understand making a mistake once but if you've been shown, asked and then told how to do it differently many, many times and you continue to do the same stupid thing over and over and then act like you don't understand what the problem is, I lose it. eyesroll.gif

Like my girl, Sunshine, having a baby at 18/19 and single with no real way to support herself much less the baby. I can understand making that mistake once. Shoot, I did it myself. But she's now 7 months pregnant, again, single, again, and is still working only one minimum wage job. WTH? She's not stupid but then she is. It's not that hard to prevent a pregnancy, people! Only one person has to make an effort.

An example from my dh, last night I was brushing my teeth for bed. Kellen was getting hyper as he always does right at bedtime. Sean was standing in the middle of the room just telling him to stop, stop, STOP!, but not actually doing anything except getting more and more aggravated. He had the TV on ESPN. I didn't say anything. When I finished brushing my teeth, I scooped Kellen up, carried him into the other room and talked to him about how he has to be considerate of the rest of us at bedtime or he won't be able to sleep with us. It took maybe 5 minutes. Then we went back in the other room, settled down pretty well, and went to sleep, no more major issues.

I've done that numerous times in front of dh. I've told him I don't know how many times that he has to get up, go to Kellen, get and hold his attention and stay with him until he actually does whatever it is. You can't ask Kellen to get dressed or brush his teeth and then walk away and expect it to be done. He gets distracted too easily. I asked Kellen the other day why he gets so distracted and why he's so squirmy/hyper. He said, "I'm five. What do you think?" lol.gif DH never gets it and we're working on kid #4 here. Fine, you're not going to get it. Then don't get all pissy when I tell you that you don't get it. eyesroll.gif
01-07-2013 04:38 AM
akind1

Been following along, mostly mobile, so I doubt I'll remember everything.

 

I hope everyone's marriages gets back in a good place, with counseling, or whatever. MW: you have an appointment this afternoon evening? Carrie - hope you and Chris find a solution that works.

 

JJ: the developmentental spurts are amazing aren't they? and challenging!

 

We have been struck by the tummy bug this weekend, except for DH, but he's recovering from his vasectomy, so none of us is 100%. The kids seem fine except for diarrhea. I'm ok, I think, except for the same. Have my rescheduled appt this morning, woot.  Nothing much else is new. I hate when we are all sick. I hate when any of us are sick. It needs to go away!

01-06-2013 07:03 PM
onetwoten
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

But he pointed out to me one time that the way I was speaking to him was not a way I would talk to the kids and certainly wasn't a way I wanted them to speak to each other or us so I really needed to work on that. And he's right. Even if he does stuff that I think is stupid, he's still a human, he's still the kids' dad and I need to afford him a certain level of respect, especially when speaking to him in front of the kids.

So true. We talk a lot as parents about how our children deserve our respect, and how their people too, and need to be treated well, but then we treat our spouses like crap. We would -flip- if someone talked to our children that way, but see it as ok to use those words/tones to speak to our husbands, and yes, often in front of our kids. It disrupts their relationship with the kids and undermines them, and shows them that we think of them as less than people, especially when we make such a big deal out of how people talk to our children, and that everyone should be equals. 

 

 

Busy weekend here, but good. Went shopping this morning for groceries and took the tree down. Instead of moving the furniture back in, we're going to use the corner as a toy corner. It's nice because it's half tucked away behind the couch, so I think the room will look cleaner and less cluttered. 

 

Ten has had such an explosion of language and development lately. It's crazy watching her change everyday. She's expressing herself so much, she's picked up a handful of new words and signs the past week, and has been acting more like a little girl. It's so weird!  She's also been trying to put herself to bed most nights- she'll nurse and then reach for the bed, and smile when I lay her down and kiss her cheek. I stay in the room while she falls asleep, and it's so cute to watch her lift her head up every few minutes to watch for me, see me, and then grin sleepily and put her head back down and close her eyes. I love it. 

01-06-2013 04:06 PM
Baby_Cakes

Hmm, maybe it's a case of not wanting to shit where he eats.  Maybe he is angry about some stuff that goes on within the marines and doesn't want to confess that to someone involved?  Idk, I'm reaching.  It does seem odd.

 

Lauri - so true about watching our tone.  I catch myself talking to DH in such a nasty way sometimes!  I have to remember that it goes all ways - I have to at least give my relationship with my DH the same amount of effort I put into the relationships with my kids. 

AFM - I'm so sick and I just want to be alone!!!  Ugh.  I'm going away for a week so nobody can bother me. winky.gif  Other than that nothing new.  

01-06-2013 01:35 PM
AnnieA
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post


That's why I've been trying to encourage my dh to talk to a Chaplain. Not only is it a man but also a man who knows how the Marine Corps works and has experienced deployments and possibly war first-hand. I think a Chaplain could understand any issues Sean has with that more than anyone else. He seems very reluctant to do that but he is willing to see a civilian counselor.


Wonder why he's reluctant. My DH's favorite priest to talk to is a former Navy Chaplain that spent 30 yrs dealing with Marines. There's literally nothing you can say that would shock him. Nothing. Maybe he's concerned that it wouldn't be totally private? Do Chaplains have to report things if told to them in confidence?

01-06-2013 01:28 PM
MarineWife
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

I totally agree and this is one of the big reasons why I love going to talk to a priest w/DH. He listens better to men. eyesroll.gif

That's why I've been trying to encourage my dh to talk to a Chaplain. Not only is it a man but also a man who knows how the Marine Corps works and has experienced deployments and possibly war first-hand. I think a Chaplain could understand any issues Sean has with that more than anyone else. He seems very reluctant to do that but he is willing to see a civilian counselor.
01-06-2013 01:27 PM
AnnieA
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post
I think you guys are at a make it or break it point. IMO, you need to decide if you want to stay married to him. If you do, then in the words of my Marine DH "you gotta stop picking the fly shit out of the pepper". I'm saying this with a lot of love. You either need to let the little things roll off your back or if the little things have piled up so much that you can't ignore them, then one of you needs to leave.
 

I have a little bit more time now so I thought I would elaborate on this. About a year ago, DH and I made the decision that short of physical abuse or homicide, we weren't getting a divorce. And the funny this is that we stopped bickering about a lot of small things. It's just not worth it. We're grownups, we're kind of set in our ways and short of us doing something that is physically hurting each other or seriously damaging the kids, we really just need to learn to deal with it. It was really freeing in a way. We still have our moments and I have to work really hard to watch how I talk to DH. When the big kids are home, I go in to "management" mode which you kind of have to do with so many kids and I lump DH in to that. And then I get frustrated when he does something "stupid". But he pointed out to me one time that the way I was speaking to him was not a way I would talk to the kids and certainly wasn't a way I wanted them to speak to each other or us so I really needed to work on that. And he's right. Even if he does stuff that I think is stupid, he's still a human, he's still the kids' dad and I need to afford him a certain level of respect, especially when speaking to him in front of the kids.

01-06-2013 12:54 PM
AnnieA
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

Sometimes, especially men, need someone else, another man, to tell them what they are doing wrong and how they need to change for them to get it. It's kind of sad but that seems to be how it is. One of the things the author in that last marriage book I read spent an entire section on was talking to men about how they need to let their wives influence them. It's not enough for them to just let their wives talk. It's not enough to nod and smile and say, "Yes, Dear." They have to really listen to, think about and sometimes go with what their wives have said.

I totally agree and this is one of the big reasons why I love going to talk to a priest w/DH. He listens better to men. eyesroll.gif

01-06-2013 12:37 PM
MarineWife
Quote:
Originally Posted by onetwoten View Post

Maybe he just heard you say that you wanted the one with the blinds and was trying to be nice and get that one for you, even if it was going to cost more, so that you would be happy with it?

Absolutely, and I get that. But, why wouldn't he also tell me about the other options? That just doesn't make any sense to me, especially when I had already said that it didn't make sense that we would have a door that's some special size that no store in the area, including Lowe's and Home Depot, carries. Door sizes are standard unless you get something specially made.

If I say to you, "That's too much. There must be another option." Would you then, at least, tell me we can get a door without the blinds in it? I honestly do not understand why he didn't tell me that from the get go.
01-06-2013 12:32 PM
AnnieA

Honestly, I probably would have appreciated if my DH didn't color outside the lines if I had specifically instructed him to get a certain thing at the store. We try really hard to not make substitutions even on small things without consulting with the other person if we were asked to do something specific. I got frustrated with DH when I sent him to the store on Christmas Eve because I specifically wrote on his list to get a very small chunk of ham. He came home with a 10 lb ham with the excuse that it was only a few dollars more and a better deal. It took longer to cook and it's not a better deal if we end up throwing most of it away because not everyone eats the ham. It would have been better if he bought no ham IMO.

 

I think you guys are at a make it or break it point. IMO, you need to decide if you want to stay married to him. If you do, then in the words of my Marine DH "you gotta stop picking the fly shit out of the pepper". I'm saying this with a lot of love. You either need to let the little things roll off your back or if the little things have piled up so much that you can't ignore them, then one of you needs to leave.

 

Vacation stuff: Fall is good for me. I don't care if we are right on the beach so long as there is a pool close by. I think it would be nice if we could find a place for all of us to stay together if not, then something like we had in Williamsburg where everyone can wander back and forth.

 

Ava is finally feeling better and getting back to her regular sleep pattern. She went to bed at 7:30 PM last night and her first wake-up for milk wasn't until 1:30 AM. So awesome! Oh, I was going to say for those that only nurse 4-5 times a day, that's pretty much how often I'm pumping these days as well. But when you guys go all day without nursing, are you dying by the time the baby actually nurses? I can't go more than 5-6 hours during the day without pumping. I can go 7-9 hrs overnight without pumping but only if I'm asleep.
 

01-06-2013 09:39 AM
onetwoten Maybe he just heard you say that you wanted the one with the blinds and was trying to be nice and get that one for you, even if it was going to cost more, so that you would be happy with it?

Typing on phone in the car. Blah. Bbl
01-06-2013 07:26 AM
MarineWife Sometimes, especially men, need someone else, another man, to tell them what they are doing wrong and how they need to change for them to get it. It's kind of sad but that seems to be how it is. One of the things the author in that last marriage book I read spent an entire section on was talking to men about how they need to let their wives influence them. It's not enough for them to just let their wives talk. It's not enough to nod and smile and say, "Yes, Dear." They have to really listen to, think about and sometimes go with what their wives have said.

I think I mentioned here before about how Sean had read in that, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book that men should just act like they are listening while women ramble and the women would be happy. Not so much when you come back later to talk about something again and the man has no idea what you are talking about or if you are telling him to do something a certain way and he goes off and does it a completely different way after all that talking.

We went looking for a new back door yesterday because the frame of ours is rotting on one side and that will affect the appraisal for the refi. The door we have now has a full glass window in it so we have a roman shade hanging on it to cover the window for privacy. I told Sean that I'd like to get one just like it but that has the blinds inside the glass. We really only need to replace the frame but that would cost around $200 and it would only be another couple hundred to replace the entire door, so why not, right? We found a door with the blinds in it at a building supplier store for $300. Perfect! I asked Sean before he got the door out to take up to the register if he had measured them. He said he had. We got home and the door doesn't fit. It's too big. So, turns out, he didn't really measure the door. He remembered the measurement of the front door and assumed they were the same size. Well, anyone who knows anything about houses knows that the front door is almost always bigger than a single back door. It's a design thing. eyesroll.gif

So, he goes back out to return the door we got and try to find another one that fits. He comes home and says the only way to get the door we want is to special order it for $800. I said that just doesn't sound right. The builders didn't put any special sized door in our house. It's tract house just like all the others in this neighborhood. They got the cheapest supplies they could get from the local suppliers. After going around and around he finally tells me that he could get a door just like ours, without the blinds inside, for around $300. Well, duh! Then get that!

I had to spell out for him that the whole point was to repair the things in the house that would lower the appraisal without spending a ton of money. I mean, since we are keeping the house (for now) I do want to make improvements and not skimp on repairs but I also don't want to spend a ton for extra things that aren't necessary. So, um, if the door with the blinds in it is $800 and the door without the blinds is only $300, get the one without. Then the door will be repaired and be the same. Especially since we can eventually buy a new window insert that has the blinds in it for another $100.

Why do I have to explain all of that to him? He can't figure it out himself? It doesn't occur to him to tell from the get-go about the options? He got so stuck on the window with the blinds in it that he wasn't going to tell me about anything else until I kept questioning him and pushing him until he got pissy about it. I think that's some sort of Marine Corps thing. He is given orders, told to do something a certain way. The end result has to be this. He can't make a decision party way through that it's better or makes more sense another way. He just has to do what he's told no matter what. It drives me crazy!
01-05-2013 07:50 PM
Baby_Cakes

That's a really good point.  Really.  I do feel like if I say anything it's a slap in the face to him.  So that makes it truly hard.  An impartial 3rd party would make that easier for sure.

 

Ok so DH and I talked.  If we skip a big vacation this spring, we could put that money toward moving.  I think that's a bigger issue and more important.  I need a new kitchen more than I need a tan.  winky.gif  Our biggest stressor right now is moving.  UGH I just want to find a house and GO.  It's so hard being stuffed in a house that's too small.  It's like we can't move fwd with anything.

01-05-2013 05:57 PM
MarineWife Don't they say we all marry our mothers in some form or another? lol.gif I can see a lot of my mother's behaviors in Sean and I do not have a good relationship with her. I have no idea how I'm like Sean's mother. It seems we are complete opposites. shrug.gif

It sounds like counseling could help you both a lot. Maybe having someone else tell Chris how his behavior toward you is sometimes not ok will make him stop and think. And, also you feeling like you are in a safe place to tell him exactly how you feel about how he rescued you and how grateful you are for that and you love him for it and don't want to leave him or his family but that doesn't mean that he can treat you however he wants or that you will just take it.
01-05-2013 05:40 PM
Baby_Cakes

It's hard to explain.  At the time I was really young and my family was a huge stress.  When I would explain how Chris would talk to me, etc, she said he sounded a lot like my mother, and did I really want that sort of relationship or was I just encouraging the past to repeat itself?  All the things Chris would dismiss as stupid, how he would shut down and not talk to me, etc.  it was too much truth for me to handle at that time, for sure.  I couldn't accept that I was in love with someone so similar to someone I couldn't stand.  So.  I stopped going. greensad.gif  I needed him.  I needed him more than I ever needed anything else -- especially to escape my family and get away from how horrible they were.  I couldn't imagine going forward w/o him in my life b/c, in every sense of the word, he rescued me.

I do feel indebted to him for a lot of things.  I mean, when I didn't have a car b/c my sister would take it, he would drive me to work.  When I got sick at college, he would pick me up and take me to the dr.  My family completely abandoned me and didn't care.  He was always there for me.  Always.  Emotionally, maybe not so much.  But he was honestly there for me every step of the way and really pulled me out of a bad situation.

 

And especially now that I have NO family and he's all I have (him and his mom and dad and brothers) I can't logically just say it's over.  It can never be.  I have nobody and nothing else.

01-05-2013 09:13 AM
MarineWife Carrie ~ I think a counselor will tell you that you might be better of without someone but the reasons may depend. Did she say that because she really thought Chris was not the guy for you or did she that because she thought that you wouldn't be able to deal with things? Two completely different reasons, ya know? I have never had a counselor tell me that Sean wasn't for me but we were already married. I would hope that would make a difference. I would think that any counselor worth anything would understand that, short of abuse, the most important thing is to try to salvage the marriage if at all possible, especially if children are involved.

If you go to someone for marriage counseling, they will probably met with you both together and then with each of you separately. You can certainly go on your own, too, but if you are really going to couples counseling, I think you should take Chris if he's willing. If he's not willing, go on your own anyway.

Early fall will probably be warm enough in SC for the beach but not for swimming (for me, anyway). I'm not a fan of swimming so that's not an issue for me. I'm perfectly happy to sit on the beach in the warm sun playing in the sand.

I went back and reread what I wrote. I put it in quotes but that's not exactly what I said to Sean. I can't remember exactly now. It was something along the lines of, "Why were you moving so slowly? Didn't you realize Ethan was throwing up?" I'm pretty sure I said it after I had already gotten out of the car and dealt with it because he was still walking slowly around the front. I would have gotten out first, but Sean was already out of the car. I do try to ask him in a calm, matter-of-fact tone what he was thinking. He doesn't usually give me any answer unless I really push him and then it's just angry crap. I honestly think he does not think. He knows he didn't think and doesn't want to admit it so he just grunts and shrugs and tries to ignore me. Sean is definitely a stick your head in the sand kind of person and hope the problem just goes away. He doesn't like to face or confront things.

I've totally lost my train of thought because Kellen has interrupted me umpteen times and Dylan is screaming and pushing at me and trying to get into my lap. If I remember what else I was going to say, I'll come back later and post it.
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