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  Topic Review (Newest First)
04-08-2013 02:33 PM
journeymom
Quote:
 My husband and I are in a push-up competition that both daughters have said no to.

 

 

I love this competition with your husband! Sounds fun.  But don't be concerned that your daughters don't care to join. You're still making a great healthy impression on them, that's going to stick with them for years to come.  They're learning that being physically active normal and fun.  But it generally it's more effective when it's their own idea. 

 

Quote:
I am continually surprised at her apparent ignorance about all of this and have to remind myself that she is just 13. But I look at her and she is my height, with a body that would knock your socks off, and she is so smart. But yet she knows nothing about taking care of her body this way.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean.  Actually I'm not sure exactly what you're referring to.  But I'm surprised when my kids don't know some of the things about foods and weight and physical activity that I think are common knowledge. Then I remember that they don't read up on these things and turn the radio up when there's news about these things, like I do.

04-05-2013 01:51 PM
kareneb

Thanks for the support. It's probably time for an update to this thread anyway.

 

So I think I wrote that we went to the ped for her annual well child check-up and the ped noted that her BMI is at the 90th percentile. So that's technically overweight. The ped talked to her about growing into her womanly body and learning to eat healthy. My daughter asked questions about how to get a faster metabolism and the ped responded with a comment on how kids with fast metabolisms often grow up to be heavy adults because they don't learn important lessons about limiting intake and making healthy choices until it's too late. My daughter and I have talked about this more - I think she's at a perfect moment in her life to do some experimenting with her food choices and see where they lead.

 

In the weeks since that meeting she has seemed to become much more aware of her body and what she puts in it. She is actively asking me about what foods are "fattening" and what are not (I always answer that there are all kinds of foods and she has to know that the best eating is balanced and from a variety of sources). Yesterday she tried to get a handle on how many jumping-jacks she needs to do to get her legs thinner - I answered, again, that fitness is not based on the number of jumping jacks but being active every day, for maybe an hour or so, always. I have not said one word to her about her body since January.  We have had to buy new bras again, though, and new school skirts and new jeans because everything she had from our last shopping trip in November was too small. This is a lot of data for her, and she is definitely processing it.

 

Last night, after the jumping jacks conversation, I sat with her privately and asked her what her goal is regarding all of these questions. She wants a flat tummy and legs that aren't fat. I know that she wanted to go shopping for bathing suits a while ago and hasn't mentioned it since the DR visit...I think she is holding out for a smaller body. I told her that it took her several months to get all this extra padding and it's going to take several months for it to go away, and again that she can make good choices regarding food and exercise and she will be fine. She is a beautiful girl no matter what and will always be. She seemed to appreciate this convo.

 

I am continually surprised at her apparent ignorance about all of this and have to remind myself that she is just 13. But I look at her and she is my height, with a body that would knock your socks off, and she is so smart. But yet she knows nothing about taking care of her body this way.

 

Look, about family fitness - we are pretty active people. I take a spin class twice a week and do yoga. I walk the dog. My husband jogs and rides his bike and does exercise videos at home. I always invite my kids to do things outside with me. My husband invites her to join him in a jog or video work-out. My husband and I are in a push-up competition that both daughters have said no to. I have asked my daughter time and again what kind of sports camp she'd like to do this summer, whether she wants to take a class aftere school, why doesn't she ride her bike, walk to the store...the opportunities are there but she has yet to take advantage of them. We are getting closer, though - she arranged to play volleyball this summer with friends and plans to join the volleyball team at school in the fall. Small steps.

04-05-2013 12:23 PM
lab

Kareneb - you are doing a superb job!  

 

I love love love your honesty about your feelings and how to convey to your daughter how you feel without traumatizing her. 

 

The fact that you are concerned is right where you should be.   More parents should have these talks with their sons and daughters.  More parents should educate themselves on what they are eating.  

 

A teenager shouldn't have a gut.  As long as they aren't preparing for a growth spurt.  Most of my kids grew out before they grew up.  But on the whole - teenagers should NOT have a gut.  

 

I think it is wonderful that you are educating her.   And Beanma is on the money with the fitness advice.  

 

edited to add:

 

I do not buy shorts for her that stop at her panty line.  Her shorts come down onto her thigh.  She's 17

03-08-2013 09:40 AM
seaheroine

Lots of great discussion and advice on this thread.  Thanks for being so open about your feelings with us, OP. 
 

02-24-2013 07:30 PM
mtiger
nevermind.
02-24-2013 04:56 PM
beanma

I think the best way to approach this is from a fitness standpoint. Forget about trying to control her portions and forget about what her belly or her breasts look like and for heaven's sake don't say anything about her appearance unless it's something positive or something easily fixable ("hey, let me tuck your tag in").

 

Focus on fitness. You said she won't exercise. Well, walk with her. Sign her up for yoga. See if you can get her and her friends into a Zumba class. Focus on fitness for HEALTH and food for HEALTH — completely forget about weight and shape. That is not important at all. If she's eating healthy foods and exercising that's all that is important. There are plenty of big women out there who are very healthy like the olympic swimmer Leisel Jones from Australia who was called fat in the media (she won a Gold). You can't get much healthier than an Olympic swimmer!! Certainly she's more fit than the stick models that advertising agencies would tell us we need to emulate.

 

Your daughter needs to hear from you that the media portrayal of women is screwed up and that being healthy is what she needs to be concerned about. It sounds like she's doing a great job ignoring the voices out there that torment so many girls and women and tell them they're not good enough, not skinny enough, etc. She definitely does need to hear positive messages about healthy eating habits and healthy exercise. You can help by exercising with her and only buying sweets and junk food like chips and cheetos and sodas occasionally. I don't think you need to eliminate junk food altogether, but don't have it in the house all the time either. Save it for a special occasion.

 

As far as the too short-shorts and too sexy clothes you might want to talk to her about the media's portrayal of women. I would not let my kids buy short shorts with "juicy" across the butt, but they wouldn't want to anyway. You might look into some resources for talking to your dd about feeling good about herself (sounds like she's got this one down, which is awesome); being fit and making healthy choices (only gets more important as she gets older and drugs and alcohol are out there); and the way women are portrayed in the media (often too sexy, too airbrushed, too skinny, too b!tchy, too demeaning). If you and she haven't seen the Dove Real Beauty Campaign video of how fake the cover girl look is that's a great place to start from. Dove has a good kit for talking to your daughter about these kinds of issues, too. As an adult you might be interested in http://www.missrepresentation.orghttp://dayofthegirl.orghttp://thebravediscussion.comhttp://www.webmd.com/healthy-beauty/features/helping-girls-with-body-imagehttp://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report.aspx and I know there are many more resources out there too.

 

I have NEVER talked to my kids about their weight in anything but a positive way and I have never talked about my weight much at all, but I have had hundreds of conversations about good food and healthy habits and getting plenty of exercise and not being a couch potato over the years. That's what you need to talk about and you can't talk about her w/o talking about yourself, so be sure to practice what you preach.

 

There are so many great ways to exercise. My dd1 is into rock climbing lately. Walking, bike-riding, hiking, geo-caching, Wii, Zumba, dance, ultimate frisbee, canoeing, swimming, etc, are all great activities to build fitness levels. Maybe you want to sign up for a couch to 5K program as a family. 

 

I know you want her to not be overweight and unhealthy, but you're focusing on her shape and weight when you should be focusing on everyone in your family getting fit. Your discussion needs to be framed around getting healthy and you probably need to do it yourself, too. Maybe you can use yourself as an excuse and ask her to be your workout buddy.

 

 

Good luck!!

02-24-2013 08:17 AM
RiverSky

This thread has me livid.  kareneb, I think that everything you have said in this thread and the things you say to your daughter, are just awful.  I think that instead of taking her to her psychiatrist, you should get one and deal with your extreme body-controlling, eating disorder issues.  Focusing on your daughter's body parts is way more dangerous than some 13 year old belly chunk (which most of the time goes away, she is not even close to full grown yet).  You are at great risk to turn her into an anorexic or bulimic.  Perhaps that is the only way you will feel happy and proud of her body though.  At least that is what it sounds like.  Focus on your own self and leave her alone.  

02-24-2013 05:32 AM
mtiger

ITA with those who say that you need to just back off. Model healthy eating and behavior. As for the candy, cookies, etc.? I found it better to encourage a "moderation in everything" outlook was better than banning any single type of food. I've found that the latter tends to encourage binging on the forbidden food, whereas (in most cases) allowing it to a reasonable degree led to more reasoned consumption. (Note - there are, of course, people who simply cannot control themselves - my ex is one of them). 

 

As for your daughter... Stop stressing over her weight/body. It sounds as though it bothers you more than it does her. ]As for the clothes she wants? Eh... don't sweat it - as a pp stated, 13 is a time when you wear stuff that will embarrass you in years to come. If she is confident in herself, she'll pull it off. Or she will learn what looks better on her. There are some beautiful clothes for larger women. It's really a matter of having a sense of style. I don't. My daughter does. LOL SHE takes ME shopping. 

02-23-2013 10:55 PM
mnj77
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

Yes, you are all right, I need to get off the large breast issue. It's hard to rock my 32Ds and look good and also look appropriate in my professional setting. I had a friend many years ago who was quite petite and was huge on top and I so so so admired her ability to dress beautifully and always look like a queen. I am in sore need of the budget and sense to do the same! This year we've bought dresses and then had them altered so they looked good, but there's not a lot of $$ to spend on this kind of approach. It is what it is, I guess.

 

 

 

I think this is the key!  I know skinny ladies who don't look great or particularly healthy, and I know larger ladies who glow with life and beauty and always look great!  I wear a 34 DD bra and work in a professional job, and to be honest I never think about how to best accommodate my boobs.  Maybe everyone else thinks I look ridiculous, but no one's ever said anything and I feel comfortable in my womanly body.  When you feel comfortable in your own skin, everything else falls into place.  You can put your daughter on that path.  I, like many pps, think the best way is to stop talking about it, including trying to teach her about how to eat.  Go shopping together and cheerily buy her some low rise jeans - wearing things that embarrass us later is what being 13 is all about!

02-21-2013 07:22 PM
chickabiddy

Bravissimo is not cheap, but carries clothes that are designed for very curvy women: http://www.bravissimo.com/

 

Many swimsuit manufacturers make swimsuit tops that are bra-sized and offer the support of a well-made bra: http://www.barenecessities.com/Bra-Sized-Swimwear-Swimwear_catalog_nxs,121,style,37636.htm

02-21-2013 01:51 PM
kareneb
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

There are a couple of brick and motor stores that sell swimsuits in cup sizes in my city, but most aren't chains so the names won't help you. Try specialty bra and swim suit stores. Use the internet, Yellow pages, and phone before taking your dd out.

Once we found some at Sears.

Btw, my experience is that clothes shopping with a 13 year old girl isn't fun for mother or dd, regardless of breast size. This improves in a year or 2. ;-)

I hope so, because frankly my anxiety over this issue is always heightened by the shopping experience. My daughter loves shopping and I generally hate it, so that's an additional feature.

 

Thanks for your help. I've done some googling to see what curvy girl bathing suits are out there and I've found some hopeful items. We might end up at Forever 21 this wknd - they apparently offer curvy girl styles so we'll see what happens there in terms of shorts.

02-21-2013 01:47 PM
Linda on the move There are a couple of brick and motor stores that sell swimsuits in cup sizes in my city, but most aren't chains so the names won't help you. Try specialty bra and swim suit stores. Use the internet, Yellow pages, and phone before taking your dd out.

Once we found some at Sears.

Btw, my experience is that clothes shopping with a 13 year old girl isn't fun for mother or dd, regardless of breast size. This improves in a year or 2. ;-)
02-21-2013 09:25 AM
kareneb
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

Lands End do swimsuits with up to a DDD cup.

Yes. I have Lands End suits, and Athleta, too. I love them. Last time I showed those catalogs to my daughter she made sounds of disgust and ran out of the room. These are the trials of having a busty teen.

 

I'm wondering if there are actual brick & mortar stores that carry suits like these.

02-21-2013 09:23 AM
choli
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

Yes, you are all right, I need to get off the large breast issue. It's hard to rock my 32Ds and look good and also look appropriate in my professional setting. I had a friend many years ago who was quite petite and was huge on top and I so so so admired her ability to dress beautifully and always look like a queen. I am in sore need of the budget and sense to do the same! This year we've bought dresses and then had them altered so they looked good, but there's not a lot of $$ to spend on this kind of approach. It is what it is, I guess.

 

My daughter and I had her ped visit today. She is right on her growth curve for height and is in the 90th percentile for BMI. The ped and she talked about how to stay fit and trim, how to keep your metabolism moving, how to grow into your womanly body. My daughter and I talked on the way to school and she agreed that I have been pushing too hard on her food choices, but she also told me that of course she is beautiful and she knows that I find her beautiful.

 

We agreed that it is very challenging to find flattering clothes when you have a very curvy body. Last night we shopped for a while at Target. She found a great dress that flatters her. She also tried on jeans and shorts that made my skin crawl. This is just how it's going to be for a while until she figures out that the low risers with the straight cut are just not going to work on her body. Do you ladies buy your daughters shorts that stop at the panty line? This is nuts IMO, but it appears to be the fashion of the moment.

 

We're going to go bathing suit shopping soon. I buy mine online now because no where have I found a place that will sell a bathing suit to hold my breasts. Seriously, all the retail stores are selling suits that are made for B or C cups, or even have padding. Do you, Linda on the move, have any recs for where to shop?

Lands End do swimsuits with up to a DDD cup.

02-21-2013 08:34 AM
kareneb

Yes, you are all right, I need to get off the large breast issue. It's hard to rock my 32Ds and look good and also look appropriate in my professional setting. I had a friend many years ago who was quite petite and was huge on top and I so so so admired her ability to dress beautifully and always look like a queen. I am in sore need of the budget and sense to do the same! This year we've bought dresses and then had them altered so they looked good, but there's not a lot of $$ to spend on this kind of approach. It is what it is, I guess.

 

My daughter and I had her ped visit today. She is right on her growth curve for height and is in the 90th percentile for BMI. The ped and she talked about how to stay fit and trim, how to keep your metabolism moving, how to grow into your womanly body. My daughter and I talked on the way to school and she agreed that I have been pushing too hard on her food choices, but she also told me that of course she is beautiful and she knows that I find her beautiful.

 

We agreed that it is very challenging to find flattering clothes when you have a very curvy body. Last night we shopped for a while at Target. She found a great dress that flatters her. She also tried on jeans and shorts that made my skin crawl. This is just how it's going to be for a while until she figures out that the low risers with the straight cut are just not going to work on her body. Do you ladies buy your daughters shorts that stop at the panty line? This is nuts IMO, but it appears to be the fashion of the moment.

 

We're going to go bathing suit shopping soon. I buy mine online now because no where have I found a place that will sell a bathing suit to hold my breasts. Seriously, all the retail stores are selling suits that are made for B or C cups, or even have padding. Do you, Linda on the move, have any recs for where to shop?

02-21-2013 05:16 AM
Polliwog
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I have a DD who is quite large busted, so I've had conversations about bras, swimsuits, etc. I have NEVER said anything like this:


I think what you said was completely and totally out of line.  For most women with large breasts, reduction surgery is the only way to make them smaller. I think it is part of our job as moms to help our DDs learn to accept themselves exactly how they are, not tell them their bodies are wrong. They can get that message from plenty of other people as well as the media.

Yes, teach your DD how to eat well and help her find forms of activity she enjoys, but stop with all this nonsense about her boobs and belly. That's personal. Those are the comments that will erode her sense of self and her relationship with you.

Get over the fact your DD has breasts. Shes turning into a woman. It's OK. She may have bigger boobs than you. That's just how it is.

You sound unhappy with yourself, and you need to address that. We cannot give our children what we do not have. As long as you are hung up on your body, then you can only pass your hung ups on to her. Get a therapist or a personal trainer or whatever it is YOU need.

Also, get the junk food and sugar and crap out of your house. It isn't good for any of you, and its a completely mixed message. The reason to have healthy habits is so we can be healthy, not so our offspring will have a certain body type.

I agree. Especially since you don't KNOW that her breasts will get significantly smaller if she loses weight. What if she loses weight and still has large breasts? Then what?
02-20-2013 08:15 PM
meemee
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

I am struggling with this last comment, a lot. It is true that I wish she had kept her slim body from a year ago. I think life is so much easier when you can find clothes easily. Beyond that, I think all of us struggle with body image and I wish my daughter didn't have to struggle with her body more than I did/do. I think my breasts are too large and there are lots of clothes I won't wear because I'll end up looking pregnant. She will have the same problem, much worse than me.

 

aargh i missed this. the bolded part. no mama no. i can definitely tell you that. 

 

i am fat. my dd was fat till she hit puberty. i've had to do a LOT of damage control over the bullying she dealt with even from close family members. and we are both comfortable in our bodies. yeah i should lose some weight. i am slowly working on that. when my dd heard me say oh i need to lose a few more pounds she got mad. she says ma why do you have to parrot society. you look beautiful as you are. being fat is not a synonym for being ugly. lol i had to explain i am doing that as a preventative measure. for health reasons since my inheritance from my ancestors suck. 

 

as i grow older i watch myself. that is not equal to struggle with body image. my dd does not have an issue with her body image. actually she did at 5 because of the ridiculous things that were happening to her... but once we had the talk - all her issues went out the window. 

 

nowhere do i see your dd struggling with body image. i see you struggling with it. she just wants to wear more revealing clothes. so normal. 

 

you need to look at obese people around you. seriously. some of the best dressed people i see on the road are obese people. say 300 pounds rather than 400 pounds. my friend is the best dressed out of all of my friends and she sure takes care to wear good clothes. she walks with pride and it shows in her attitude. 

 

i was teased so much as a kid over my breasts that i wished i had smaller ones. my size - 34A. THAT was ridiculous. 

 

big breasts are glorious things. lol another of my friends has bowling balls and boy does she dress them well. she looks GREAT!!!!

 

so no. not everyone has a body image issue. 

02-20-2013 07:57 PM
Linda on the move
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

In the context of health, I think it is alright to talk about belly fat. Most of the long term health issues related to weight are correlated to belly fat. I get my waist measured every year at my annual physical because waist measurements higher than 31" for women correlate closely to heart disease.

 

So yeah.

 

And my daughter and I talked about her breasts because she is unsure how to manage them, what bra to wear, how to choose clothing. It's a big challenge to be big breasted. I think she is worried about it.

 

I have a DD who is quite large busted, so I've had conversations about bras, swimsuits, etc. I have NEVER said anything like this:

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

I said "You know, you don't have to have these large breasts [We tried on size L dresses yesterday at a store and they are too small now. In September she was wearing a S - these are adult sizes, just to be clear]. You can make different choices about what you eat and your clothes might fit better."

 

I think what you said was completely and totally out of line.  For most women with large breasts, reduction surgery is the only way to make them smaller. I think it is part of our job as moms to help our DDs learn to accept themselves exactly how they are, not tell them their bodies are wrong. They can get that message from plenty of other people as well as the media.

 

Yes, teach your DD how to eat well and help her find forms of activity she enjoys, but stop with all this nonsense about her boobs and belly. That's personal. Those are the comments that will erode her sense of self and her relationship with you.

 

Get over the fact your DD has breasts. Shes turning into a woman. It's OK. She may have bigger boobs than you. That's just how it is.

 

You sound unhappy with yourself, and you need to address that. We cannot give our children what we do not have. As long as you are hung up on your body, then you can only pass your hung ups on to her. Get a therapist or a personal trainer or whatever it is YOU need.

 

Also, get the junk food and sugar and crap out of your house. It isn't good for any of you, and its a completely mixed message. The reason to have healthy habits is so we can be healthy, not so our offspring will have a certain body type.

02-20-2013 02:03 PM
kareneb
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

Oh kareneb i LOVE your dd. wow what a powerful girl she is. OMG you dont have to worry about her. at 13 she wears a two piece and doesnt care about her belly showing!!!! that is way too AWESOME!!!!

 

mama i think you need to go inwards. and you need to learn stuff from your dd. for a girl who doesnt care of society ideas of who wears a two piece. i think you underestimate your dd a little perhaps. go on a stroll and find out what she things. what lies inside her. you might be surprised. 

 

and you need to calm down. i dont know what it takes. but at this point of time if you dont slow down, perhaps what you fear WILL come true because you werent there when your dd needed you. 

thank you meemee. you are awesome.

02-20-2013 02:02 PM
kareneb
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

You don't talk about weight but you talk about breasts and belly being too big. You think that is somehow better?

In the context of health, I think it is alright to talk about belly fat. Most of the long term health issues related to weight are correlated to belly fat. I get my waist measured every year at my annual physical because waist measurements higher than 31" for women correlate closely to heart disease.

 

So yeah.

 

And my daughter and I talked about her breasts because she is unsure how to manage them, what bra to wear, how to choose clothing. It's a big challenge to be big breasted. I think she is worried about it. I'm not really, except in the challenge of having to spend $100+ monthly to buy new bras, finding clothes that fit, etc. etc. Yesterday when she talked she didn't know that her breasts might stop growing one day, because honestly for the last year they've grown non stop. I imagine in her mind she probably had a flickering worry that they would never stop. I do think that controlling your weight helps in keeping your breasts from growing, but ultimately this is going to be determined by genetics, as someone above on this thread said.

02-20-2013 01:59 PM
meemee
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

But truly, really honestly - I don't want my daughter to struggle with the health issues that belly fat brings. My [overweight] mom had breast cancer x2. My husband's family is riddled with heart disease, also correlated to belly fat. I think she has an opportunity now to learn some good habits and I am anxious about her learning them.

sweet mama. i have tears reading this paragraph. you bare your soul so openly (in all your writings). i envy that. i hear you. i totally understand you. it is the same in my family. but your dd is her own person. why are you assuming she will be that way. she is JUST 13. are you reading all those articles online. STOP. dont freak yourself out. i KNOW the media is FULL of doom and gloom. Why are you falling for that. i just went online to check up on teen belly fat and OMG - all doom and gloom about why it is so bad. nowhere in 4 pages did i find any development information about why belly fat is normal and part of growing up in teens. if you want to talk to your dd - dont tell her what to do. bare your soul to her. dont tell her she has a huge belly. tell her when you see her belly you think of your mother and you are so scared that dd will be overweight and she will get cancer too. btw i KNOW you know this but not all overweight people get cancer. dont let your love for your child 'kill' her, but instead let it help her grow and shine. 

 

you CAN do this mama. i believe in you. just stop what you are doing now - coz it might lead to you killing your child and making her live a living dead life. sounds harsh. yes. i have too many friends living a living dead life. it all started in their teens.  

 

On the other other hand, I have a hard time seeing my beautiful baby in a two-piece with her belly hanging over the waist band. It's not what I pictured when envisioned her as a grown up. Call me bad, because I probably am, to be so rigid about the definition of beauty.

Oh kareneb i LOVE your dd. wow what a powerful girl she is. OMG you dont have to worry about her. at 13 she wears a two piece and doesnt care about her belly showing!!!! that is way too AWESOME!!!!

 

mama i think you need to go inwards. and you need to learn stuff from your dd. for a girl who doesnt care of society ideas of who wears a two piece. i think you underestimate your dd a little perhaps. go on a stroll and find out what she things. what lies inside her. you might be surprised. 

 

and you need to calm down. i dont know what it takes. but at this point of time if you dont slow down, perhaps what you fear WILL come true because you werent there when your dd needed you. 

02-20-2013 01:57 PM
choli

You don't talk about weight but you talk about breasts and belly being too big. You think that is somehow better?

02-20-2013 01:55 PM
kareneb
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

 

YOU are the one struggling with your daughter's body image, not your daughter. It seems to disturb you that she is comfortable with her body.

 

" She seems completely unaware of her body and her shape.  Many of her friends are on the heavy side and I think she feels comfortable with them and perceives herself as normal.  I understand this is fine and I'm glad she feels good about herself.  Unfortunately I do not think she is seeing what I see."

 

Wow, so she is happy and comfortable with her body. You want her to be as unhappy about her body as you are about yours. She sees what you see alright, and she doesn't think it makes her ugly, greedy or a bad person. She has a mirror.

 

Go deal with your own over large breasts and leave your daughter alone. She has a much more mentally healthy attitude than you do. Maybe you could learn from her.

Maybe, I am trying.

02-20-2013 01:54 PM
kareneb

.

02-20-2013 01:53 PM
kareneb

Well, I'm not sure what my daughter knows or doesn't know. I'm certain you don't know, meemee. She surprised me the other day by telling a story from when she was 11. She had to have an upper endoscopy. We explained to her exactly every step of the process. At the hospital, when we got to the point of the pre-op where the nurse starts the IV, she freaked out, totally and completely. Hysterical, screaming, kicking. At the time, my husband and I did our best to calm her down and ultimately it went fine. When she told the story last week, she reported that she thought, at that moment, that as soon as the nurse inserted the needle she would be unconscious, and she wasn't ready.

 

I don't know how I didn't know this earlier, what did I miss when I tried to explain to her exactly how the process would go? At the hospital she figured it out for herself and calmed herself down.

 

So this weekend I rethought how our conversations have gone around nutrition and food. I don't know that we've actually ever linked calorie intake to body fat. We have been REALLY CAREFUL about using language about fat bodies at home. Maybe too careful? I never talk about my weight. My husband sometimes talks about needing to lose weight because of knee problems. We don't count calories. We have recently started talking about portion sizes and what is the right amount (remember she is pretty impulsive about eating). We don't restrict access to any food in our house. We have cookies and candy and chips.

 

I am trying really hard to find the right balance at home. I get it that many of you find this convo difficult and you think I'm wrong. That's ok. I am sure I am making mistakes here and I appreciate your help in pointing them out.

02-20-2013 01:52 PM
choli
Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

I am struggling with this last comment, a lot. It is true that I wish she had kept her slim body from a year ago. I think life is so much easier when you can find clothes easily. Beyond that, I think all of us struggle with body image and I wish my daughter didn't have to struggle with her body more than I did/do. I think my breasts are too large and there are lots of clothes I won't wear because I'll end up looking pregnant. She will have the same problem, much worse than me.

 

But truly, really honestly - I don't want my daughter to struggle with the health issues that belly fat brings. My [overweight] mom had breast cancer x2. My husband's family is riddled with heart disease, also correlated to belly fat. I think she has an opportunity now to learn some good habits and I am anxious about her learning them.

 

On the other other hand, I have a hard time seeing my beautiful baby in a two-piece with her belly hanging over the waist band. It's not what I pictured when envisioned her as a grown up. Call me bad, because I probably am, to be so rigid about the definition of beauty.

 

YOU are the one struggling with your daughter's body image, not your daughter. It seems to disturb you that she is comfortable with her body.

 

" She seems completely unaware of her body and her shape.  Many of her friends are on the heavy side and I think she feels comfortable with them and perceives herself as normal.  I understand this is fine and I'm glad she feels good about herself.  Unfortunately I do not think she is seeing what I see."

 

Wow, so she is happy and comfortable with her body. You want her to be as unhappy about her body as you are about yours. She sees what you see alright, and she doesn't think it makes her ugly, greedy or a bad person. She has a mirror.

 

Go deal with your own over large breasts and leave your daughter alone. She has a much more mentally healthy attitude than you do. Maybe you could learn from her.

02-20-2013 01:43 PM
kareneb

I am struggling with this last comment, a lot. It is true that I wish she had kept her slim body from a year ago. I think life is so much easier when you can find clothes easily. Beyond that, I think all of us struggle with body image and I wish my daughter didn't have to struggle with her body more than I did/do. I think my breasts are too large and there are lots of clothes I won't wear because I'll end up looking pregnant. She will have the same problem, much worse than me.

 

But truly, really honestly - I don't want my daughter to struggle with the health issues that belly fat brings. My [overweight] mom had breast cancer x2. My husband's family is riddled with heart disease, also correlated to belly fat. I think she has an opportunity now to learn some good habits and I am anxious about her learning them.

 

On the other other hand, I have a hard time seeing my beautiful baby in a two-piece with her belly hanging over the waist band. It's not what I pictured when envisioned her as a grown up. Call me bad, because I probably am, to be so rigid about the definition of beauty.

02-20-2013 01:34 PM
choli
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

honestly kareneb  please know i come here with intentions to support. but my words might sound harsh. 

 

please leave your dd alone. you dont have to give her all the answers. let her find them herself. 

 

instead work on yourself and see what is up with you that you feel so bent out of shape when even her ped is saying she is a little girl - mature perhaps - but still a little girl. 

 

3 heaped teaspoons of sugar is wigging you out. THAT is crazy. its still healthier than an already sweetened youghurt. teens have a tendency to eat high carbs and sugar. it makes total sense to me since they are growing so fast - esp. at 13. even though her periods have kinda slowed it down a bit.   

 

look around you at the teens you've known since they were young. arent they all a bit chubby these days? dont they all have a more pear like figure? i see that with my dd's friends (not all). i remember having that as a teen myself when growing up where junk food was healthy food and still is. 

 

sorry i am being so harsh. but you need to let. this. go. the conversation you had. if i was your dd i would want to punch you in the face. so so so not appropriate when your dd is dealing with society. 

 

"You know, you don't have to have these large breasts [We tried on size L dresses yesterday at a store and they are too small now. In September she was wearing a S - these are adult sizes, just to be clear]. You can make different choices about what you eat and your clothes might fit better."

this is so condescending. first of all large breasts? why are YOU along with everyone putting the pressure on her? dont you think she already knows "You can make different choices about what you eat and your clothes might fit better." 

 

leave. her. alone. mama before you do more damage. she already has a hard life dealing with ADHD.

 

your job is to inform. just inform. no persuation. if you think she does not have a good idea about nutrition inform her. better still do it hands on. go to a cooking class together. go to a nutrition talk. go visit a farm. let her hear it from all sources. but do not talk to her or push her into going for walks because you think its healthy for her.

 

absolutely go for a walk - not for exercise - but for the chance to have some fun connecting time together. to enjoy spring. 

 

remember one thing. what she gets at home has the BIGGEST impact on her. no matter what the outside world says. she can handle that with support behind her. but if her own world agrees with the outside world how is she going to cope. where is she going to turn. 

 

you wrote in your last post you havent replied in a while. its only been a month. 

 

if you do want her to get healthy - leave her alone and YOU get healthy. it isnt automatic that thin people are healthy. without exercise a thin person could be unhealthier than a fat person. without getting involved in her life, if you are not doing it yourself, start doing it. 

 

why am i so upset? because i see this ALL the time. teens have SO MUCH pressure on them these days (i feel way more than before) that they rebel in horrible ways that hurts them themselves. and then in adult hood they dont like themselves very much and yet they cant get out of the cycle they are in. and then there is eating disorders. 

 

one other thing - you are gluten intolerant. how is she with that? are you guys a gluten free house? sometimes a big belly is also called a wheat belly. 

I 100% agree with this. Really, what the hell business is it of yours what size bust your daughter has? I am 100% sure she was pulling your leg when she pretended not to know that calories in /energy out has an affect on weight.

 

If you had that conversation with me when I was that age, it would be the last time I took you seriously. Really, really, do you think your daughter does not know she is fat without you pointing it out? My mother used to do this to my sister all the time. Apparently, she thought my sister was too stupid to interpret what she saw in the mirror, so she felt the need to let her know "nicely" that she was overweight.

 

Get over your need to control a body that does not belong to you.

 

Wow, this really touched a nerve with me.

02-20-2013 01:23 PM
meemee

hey how about some camisoles? can that solve the problems of breasts hanging out? how about a small cute lacy jacket that goes upto the bra line. i am having the same problem with a TEN year old. thankfully she is more into boy stuff so i dont have to worry too much. for her school family dance her friends dressed her. in a strapless dress with a bright cute short jacket on top. whew!!!!

 

cut out the gluten to see if her belly is due to wheat. 

 

by the way her yoghurt is lot less sugar than yoplait. so lets say she ate 5 spoons of sugar. that 20gms of sugar. 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kareneb View Post

My daughter is beautiful and she knows I think she is beautiful. I think it is hard for her to have such a curvy body and be in a culture where girls dress so provocatively when her mom tells her no, she cannot have her breasts falling out of her dress. She wants to wear the same dresses her size 1 friends are wearing, LOL. On the other hand she has a lot of friends who are on the heavier side of normal, but they're also 8 inches shorter than her, so dress length isn't as much of a challenge for them. She is having a hard time finding clothes that are appropriate. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to find clothes that fit her.

 

i have another point of view that my dd has helped me with. 

 

i will say you dont think your dd is beautiful. you are worried about her big breasts and big belly. you have even told her her breasts are too big. you want to change something. why do you want to change something that is beautiful. it will be beautiful but its  not beautiful now. perhaps what you mean is that your dd is a beautiful person trapped in a not beautiful body. 

 

there is a huge difference and kids pick up on that. when i dont walk the talk, dd points it out totally. 

02-20-2013 12:59 PM
kareneb

Thanks, your words are fine. I realize a lot of this is in my own head.

 

My daughter is beautiful and she knows I think she is beautiful. I think it is hard for her to have such a curvy body and be in a culture where girls dress so provocatively when her mom tells her no, she cannot have her breasts falling out of her dress. She wants to wear the same dresses her size 1 friends are wearing, LOL. On the other hand she has a lot of friends who are on the heavier side of normal, but they're also 8 inches shorter than her, so dress length isn't as much of a challenge for them. She is having a hard time finding clothes that are appropriate. I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to find clothes that fit her.

 

About gluten intolerance - we are not a gluten free family. She has had some digestive problems (probably reflux) that resolved as she got through the onset of menses. It's possible that she will end up with a gluten intolerance, but her belly is really just fat. Trust me.

 

Oh! I should add that a lot of the appearance issue is totally developmental, as she is not yet automatically "standing up straight" and supporting her body with her core muscles. When she does that a lot of the belly disappears. I remember learning this kind of posture around age 10 and it is still an issue, frankly. My daughter and I have a bit of a swayish back and our bellies are going to be sticking out unless we are minding our posture.

 

About the yogurt - we started buying plain yogurt because I just can't stand it that a product like Yoplait has 28 g of sugar in 6 oz of yogurt. What my daughter did at home was essentially replicate the Yoplait. I guess it's not the crime of the century but it kind of boggled my mind.

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