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  Topic Review (Newest First)
08-29-2013 07:03 PM
Virginia Mom

Our first was born in November......and we moved 3 weeks later. Doctor told me 'no way no how' was I to get on a plane with the baby during cold and flu season! Drove from east coast to west coast over 7 days.......not fun...and looking back, not sure if it was less for the germ factor..........But with a plane ride, you are looking at international .....lots of people, extra germs,etc.....

08-29-2013 06:40 PM
sillysapling
Quote:
Originally Posted by YoginiMomma View Post

I don't even want to get into the whole christmas debate yet. We are NOT celebrating christmas. It's disgusting the way his family does it- super traditional, tons of presents for the kids, gorging on food all day, they didn't even go to church when we went for christmas this last winter-- so what is the point??? I don't want that tradition in MY family, I moved away from the east coast to live an independent life on my terms, and I'm not going to be dissuaded by my husband's family's guilt trip. My compromise for christmas is that we visit for 3 days, we don't lie about Santa, and we give one gift each and when she's old enough she chooses a charity to give to and/ or we volunteer somewhere together. If it were up to me we would just pretend the day didn't exist. I'm not AGAINST gift giving, birthdays will be awesome! it's not like she'll be a jehovah's witness of anything- It's just that we are NOT CHRISTIAN so why would we celebrate a christian holiday??? I want to celebrate natural cycles of the earth~ yule is one of them obviously-- but I want to pay attention to nature- full moons, new moons, solstices, equinoxes, rather than the scaffolding society has put in place. You can say that there's no way around christmas because "all her friends" will be celebrating it-- but we live in a very liberal town and I know for a fact MANY if not MOST of my peers with children do a similar compromise for christmas- either visiting family for a short while and really limiting the gift giving, or celebrating on their own in their own way and giving to charity. 

I want to comment on this part, because I agree with Linda on the move that you are NOT being fair to your husband.

 

Family traditions have a great deal of meaning to most people. My partner was not raised Christian, neither was I, but we both did Christmas. I'm not attached to doing Christmas, but my partner is. Yes, Christmas has 'christ' in it- which is why I'm not attached to it- but for a lot of people, Christmas is about spending time with family and carrying on deeply meaningful traditions, not Christ.

 

 

Until my partner sat down and talked to me about WHY Christmas mattered so much, I had a similar viewpoint- we're not Christian, why celebrate it? But Christmas isn't about Christ or Christianity for my partner, it's about family. It's about family traditions that meant a lot to my partner growing up that they want to share with our children.

My partner cares more about celebrating nature than I do, too. Full moons have a deep spiritual meaning to my partner (that LO appears to appreciate as well, came 2 weeks early just to be born on the full moon!) and they have a specific way of celebrating that I respect and encourage the same way that I respect and encourage Christmas.

 

You can celebrate nature AND Christmas.

 

How much of your "compromise" about Christmas actually allows your husband to get what he wants out of Christmas compared to how much you're getting out of the holiday? It doesn't sound like much of a compromise. You'll be able to celebrate the whole year the way you want to- your husband gets 3 days?

 

You shouldn't travel with a newborn, especially not during winter- I agree whole heartedly about that. I don't even want to travel for Christmas with an 8 month old, and if it weren't for the fact that my partner hasn't seen their home country or family for 2 years and this may be the last chance for another 3 I wouldn't even be considering it. That's clearly not the situation for your husband, and traveling with a newborn is far more dangerous than traveling with an 8 month old.

 

But you can still let your husband establish beloved traditions from his childhood with the family that BOTH of you are building together as well as build new ones. There are many, many families that celebrate more than one set of holidays. There's nothing wrong with celebrating your way and also celebrating with your husband in his way.

08-27-2013 05:44 PM
vc2013
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

2. I think your DH and his mom need to cut the cord already. The whole situation you describe with your spouse and travel is nuts. You don't want to go, so it's fine to not go. Your DH needs to switch is thinking from believing that being in Mass. is being with his family. That isn't true anymore. Being wherever you and your new baby are is being with his family. Make him change his language get this straight, because this is the real problem. He hasn't realized he is his own family now, and those other people all get demoted to "extended family:"

I second this.
Glad you've decided not to go. I'm expecting my first at the end of Sep and there are expectations to visit DF's family for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm going to play it by ear, if we feel up to it we might go, if not, people will understand.
08-26-2013 10:54 PM
Linda on the move

I see red flags all over your posts for serious problems in your marriage. Neither you nor your husband care what the other one wants or how they feel.

 

There isn't a right and wrong answer to the "how to celebrate a holiday" question. However, your relationship isn't on a solid foundation because you two aren't trying to figure out how to build a life together. This is where your energy should be. You have serious relationship problems that you are about to bring a baby into.

 

Your whole vent about Christmas didn't mention your spouse. It's just about you and what you want.

 

I highly recommend relationship counseling. You and your husband need to figure out how to get on the same team. 

08-26-2013 02:38 PM
loveandgarbage

Good for you, mama!

08-26-2013 01:13 PM
LeelasMama
Quote:
Originally Posted by loveandgarbage View Post

You are the mom and you are the boss. I know not everyone feels this way, but compromise is out of the question especially when you are a first time mom. Your partner should know that and get used to it (and so should his family). Your gut is telling you not to go, and that should be enough. There will be many many holidays in the future that you can spend with his family. If they really want to meet the baby right away, they can come to you. 

thanks for the support everyone... I am NOT going. No way in hell. We had such a miserable time when we went this summer, after my husband insisted we go for three weeks in a heat wave while pregnant,... both his sisters are going through divorces and it's 24/7 drama with everyone and we had no personal space at all.  It's not happening. I told him we might not even go next summer with the baby because we put in our time this summer. They live on the east coast, and they complain about not having money, but honestly it's US who doesn't have the money to fly out there, miss work (for me-- in the summer I typically teach 10 classes a week with all the subbing I do which equates to almost 2K/month), etc. His mom and 2 sisters could easily fly out here with their older children (especially since they are divorced now it's just them, or the kids could stay with dad). So it comes down to flying 2 adults with a newborn baby to the east coast of hell in the winter or flying 3 adults to the west coast without a baby to a temperate climate.... they should come to us.

 

I don't even want to get into the whole christmas debate yet. We are NOT celebrating christmas. It's disgusting the way his family does it- super traditional, tons of presents for the kids, gorging on food all day, they didn't even go to church when we went for christmas this last winter-- so what is the point??? I don't want that tradition in MY family, I moved away from the east coast to live an independent life on my terms, and I'm not going to be dissuaded by my husband's family's guilt trip. My compromise for christmas is that we visit for 3 days, we don't lie about Santa, and we give one gift each and when she's old enough she chooses a charity to give to and/ or we volunteer somewhere together. If it were up to me we would just pretend the day didn't exist. I'm not AGAINST gift giving, birthdays will be awesome! it's not like she'll be a jehovah's witness of anything- It's just that we are NOT CHRISTIAN so why would we celebrate a christian holiday??? I want to celebrate natural cycles of the earth~ yule is one of them obviously-- but I want to pay attention to nature- full moons, new moons, solstices, equinoxes, rather than the scaffolding society has put in place. You can say that there's no way around christmas because "all her friends" will be celebrating it-- but we live in a very liberal town and I know for a fact MANY if not MOST of my peers with children do a similar compromise for christmas- either visiting family for a short while and really limiting the gift giving, or celebrating on their own in their own way and giving to charity. 

 

it's a really triggering issue for me as well because when I was younger my relatives never came to visit us, we always had to go visit them. Then my parents moved us even farther away to florida- and NO ONE from my dad's side even bothered to try to keep in contact. Visiting family should be balanced-- it is NOT fair for them to expect that we do a 7 hour flight twice a year and stay for such an extended time. My mom lives in florida and she comes out to visit me 2x a year with my sister, and I go back maybe once a year-- because she's the one who has the flexibility and financial resources to come visit more often!

 

so yeah- not traveling with an infant in a germ infested plane and going to stay with inlaws over a holiday that I don't celebrate. 

08-26-2013 12:17 PM
loveandgarbage

You are the mom and you are the boss. I know not everyone feels this way, but compromise is out of the question especially when you are a first time mom. Your partner should know that and get used to it (and so should his family). Your gut is telling you not to go, and that should be enough. There will be many many holidays in the future that you can spend with his family. If they really want to meet the baby right away, they can come to you. 

08-07-2013 10:47 PM
LLQ1011 I cannot believe how supportive the people here are about you going on this trip.

Breastfeeding does not come naturally to all women and for me was considerably hard, upsetting, time consuming and people around seemed to make it so much wors until about 12 weeks. I bled for 11 weeks. He would NEVER sit in a sling, ergo, moby or bjorn. Plus it is peak "Disease" season to be traveling with such a new baby. Also unless you know how MIL is with your kids (say this is your third one and you know what to expect) I would not subject myself to that learning curve with such a small baby in a foreign environment while trying to find my legs in this whole mothering thing. My MIL was nuts with my baby and judging by how forceful she is being that you plan, , spend, travel all while recovering from birth tells you just how concerned about you she really is.
08-07-2013 07:36 PM
wrenmoon I traveled for christmas with a 10 week old late October baby and came home with rsv. My inlaws played pass the baby while I was in the bathroom even though I expressly said I didn't want anyone else to hold her.
We spent a week in the pediatric ICU on the edge of life with her.

There were 11 other babies in the icu and 14 more in the pediatric wing with rsv, and the nurses I talked to said its like that every year from thanksgiving on because its the visiting/holiday season.

No way would I take that chance again. Even if it makes me look paranoid, crazy, mean, inflexible...whatever. I knew we shouldn't have gone and I caved into pressure from DH and my mother inlaw.

Id rather look bad to them and do what I am comfortable with than go against my intuition..airport/airplanes/big family gathering in December? No freakin way.

Plane ride in July? I'd consider it.
08-07-2013 06:24 PM
MichelleZB

You obviously don't want to go. So don't. I wonder whether you and your inlaws don't get along very well, and seeing them would be an added stress?

 

Also, it does rather seem like, since you're the one with the baby, they should be visiting you. That makes sense to me.

 

But the reason why your inlaws probably don't believe your excuses is because, well, they've had kids themselves. So they know that you can, in fact, still do stuff when you have a baby, even though it is harder.

 

You are overstating the difficulty of taking care of a 8-week old baby by quite a lot. It's hard enough as it is without all of the added complications you've added.

 

Cloth diapers? Yeah, the breasmilk poop doesn't even smell that much. You just take one of those wet bags on the plane and put the diapers in them. Then you wash them at your destination. No big deal. CRUSHED IT

 

2-month-olds? Are the easiest. They basically sleep and then when they cry you shove your boob in their faces. They're too little to be that wiggly and they don't get bored by just sitting there. You do not have to bring approx 29348502394857 colouring books on the plane for them. It is awesome.

 

Bleeding? It is uncommon to still be bleeding at 8 weeks. But if you are, it is likely to be pretty light, like if you had your period. Would you delay a planned vacation because you were on your period? Of course you wouldn't.

 

Sleep deprivation? Well, you'll get that anywhere so there's nothing really you can do about that.

 

Handing off the baby? Are your in-laws unsupportive of breastfeeding? Because that can indeed be stressful. But my inlaws and parents were all on board with the breastfeeding thing, so they would hand me the baby as soon as he cried so I could feed him. For the tiny windows of time when he wasn't eating (and believe me, they were tiny windows of time), I actually DID like having someone to hand the baby off to. It got a bit intense just the two of us, and I was so happy to take a shower by MYSELF.

 

Recovering your pelvic floor? What, you can't do squats and kegels and transverse squeezes or whatever at your inlaws' house?

 

I had my baby on December 15, and my inlaws and parents did visit for Christmas to see the baby. But my husband and I flew to the other side of the country when the baby was 6 weeks old to show him to my husband's grandfather, who was 98 and too old to travel. It was important to us that he get to meet his great-grandfather. Honestly, it was totally fine, cloth diapers and all.

 

If your husband is very close to his family, I can believe that they feel very offended by this argument and feel shut out. Perhaps you should reconsider your stance?

08-06-2013 07:01 AM
mtiger

I flew with both of mine at roughly that age (and with the second, a toddler). Both times on my own. It really was very easy. Even better with a partner, IMO. But if you don't want to go, then don't. Expect some blowback, though. 

08-05-2013 03:35 PM
Linda on the move
Quote:

Originally Posted by YoginiMomma View Post

 

My husband is VERY close with his family... so close that I am suffering through a 3 week extended car-less visit in suburban massachusetts during a heat wave 6 months pregnant FOR HIM... he is convinced that it's completely fine to take our newborn baby to the east coast (we live on the west coast, so 7-8 hours travel time) over christmas to spend with his family.

 

...... His mom and sisters can come visit US in California (only his mom has ever come out to see him and he's lived out here for 16 years with a solid job) if they want to see her newborn, otherwise they can wait, until we come NEXT summer when she is 7-8 months old for ONE week.

 

 

1. I don't think it is a big deal to fly with a newborn. My DD was born in October, and we flew to Ireland for Christmas. It was a wonderful trip, and I'm very glad we made the trip. You are seriously overstating the problems. We flew on Christmas day (because it is a lot less expensive) and the plane was pretty empty. (having done that trip later with two toddlers, flying with one infant is a piece of cake).

 

2. I think your DH and his mom need to cut the cord already. The whole situation you describe with your spouse and travel is nuts. You don't want to go, so it's fine to not go. Your DH needs to switch is thinking from believing that being in Mass. is being with his family. That isn't true anymore. Being wherever you and your new baby are is being with his family. Make him change his language get this straight, because this is the real problem. He hasn't realized he is his own family now, and those other people all get demoted to "extended family:"

 

It's time for your DH to wake up and realize that what his mom wants doesn't matter, but that keeping you happy and feeling safe and secure is his job.

08-05-2013 03:07 PM
JudiAU

Don't go. Use the "bleeding lady bits" excuse if needed.

 

And repeat.

08-03-2013 09:24 PM
demeter888

OK, so there are two issues.  One, you feel like they should come visit you.  Two, you feel concerned whether travel is a good idea.

 

Regarding issue two: I think if you are breastfeeding and babywearing that travel like you describe should not be incredibly hard at 5-6 weeks pp.  I would be more concerned about the long visit with people you're not exactly over the moon for.  Which leads me back to issue one:  I think that they should come visit you and the fact that they haven't offered to come help apparently says that they are not people I would want to stay with if I was you.  They may have their reasons, but the reasons don't matter. It's their grandchild.  They should have made an effort to take care of you and it sounds like your relationship is so distant that they don't even know what's what.

 

And as for handing off the baby to somebody else; I couldn't imagine even wanting to do that with such a small baby unless the people helping were generous and good communicators.

08-03-2013 08:33 PM
Snapdragon

you are totally right!!! when my son was a newborn I just waned to cave up for actually a few months.  No way I would have taken him on a cross country trip.

08-03-2013 08:09 PM
InLove2009 I think I would do it. My baby is two and a half weeks old, and I think now is the easiest to take him places. My parents stayed with us the lest three weeks, and my husband and I have been able to go on a date after baby because of it. I breastfeed, I just pumped a bottle. He ended up sleeping the entire time we were gone.

Also, I had an infection with my stitches, and I have already recovered smile.gif I am surprised how soon I stopped bleeding as well, I don't even need to wear a liner anymore and I feel like myself again.

However, if you don't want to go, don't feel pressured to go. While I think you would be just fine traveling, you not wanting to go is enough reason not to. Or you not feeling comfortable traveling that soon. Everyone is different with what they feel comfortable with. You husband could go by himself if he really wanted to, but not over the holiday. He shouldn't miss the first christmas with you guys.
some posters suggested having his parents come to you- I also would not do that over the holiday. I would not want the pressure of providing a holiday meal and entertaining people that soon. That would stress me out more than traveling personally.

Good luck!
07-18-2013 10:07 AM
BabySmurf

I'm another vote for not planning on it.  I can see that you wrote this while you were visiting and it's apparent that there is a lack of personal space for you there, which causes stress, even now, never mind with a newborn.  I don't think it's weird that they invited and want you to come though - new babies bring joy to families and it's only natural that they want to partake in that joy.  That being said, I don't think it's weird if you don't go either.  We got plenty of invitations to evens at or near when we were expecting our kids, and it's okay to say no thank you.  

 

I also totally understand your apprehensions and reasons, but I agree with the others that you want to word your reasons carefully when speaking with your DH and his family.  You have some very valid concerns, and it's best to stick with those instead of trying to cover every possible angle.  Yes some newborns are going to be easy to travel with and others aren't.  But what's more important than how portable your baby is, is how comfortable you are beginning your parenting journey in someone else's space.  There are a lot of things that I was still getting used to at that time, and a lot of things DH was getting used to as well.

.  

You could always say that if things go smoothly that you can always buy a last minute ticket.  It gives you control that will make you more comfortable, while still not shutting out your DH's family completely.  

 

Good Luck!

07-17-2013 05:44 PM
erigeron

I would probably do it or at least seriously consider it. I agree with MeepyCat about a lot of your reasons not necessarily ending up being big issues. However, I adore my in-laws. If yours stress you out, best to pass, because you really don't need that. 

07-17-2013 11:14 AM
McGucks YES to Asiago's sling idea. I cannot stand the "pass the baby" expectation, and I could not use a sling comfortably until DS2 was a much older child (c-section). Newborns do not need to be passed around like an appetizer tray.
07-17-2013 05:01 AM
Asiago I would not. When my son was born, same time in the fall, my Ped,said "if you want to keep him healthy, keep him away from groups and small children the first 8 weeks. Allow only healthy individuals to visit you at your home."
Therefore Christmas was our big outing, like you. We are in the Northeast, so cold weather, sick people. He was almost 8 weeks to the day. We only had to travel an hour by car. It was a house full of people, one adult was sick hacking and wiping his nose....there were likely others sick too but his illness was most obvious. Everyone wanted to hold the baby, but we did not allow them to. We stayed in one room with my son in the sling most of the time. It was also during the Swine flu outbreak. My family could not comprehend why I was so concerned. To this day my husband thinks it was nuts that we went. He didn't tell me so at the time, but now he is open and says that it was a bad decision. Baby did not contract anything but I agree we should not have gone. Oh and the car ride was frightful, baby screaming in the car seat and needing to be nursed. To go back in time I would have stayed home that Christmas.
07-16-2013 06:09 PM
McGucks This would be a "hell, no" for me. A lot of my post-partum comfort revolved around being around very familiar places and people. I am also not very comfortable traveling in general, so I would not even have considered it.

One quick thought on your husband's behalf...is your mom going to be staying in your home with you for the entire month? You might want to think carefully about that one. DH learned a whole lot about being a father and husband because he had to learn it as we went. If I had a mom around, it might not have worked out like that.

I did not know what kinds of help I would need until the baby actually came.

My MIL's "helping" was not helpful. It wasn't her fault, it was just that I was not able to rest, emotionally or physically, when she was there. Our house was also too small for her to be unobtrusive, and I did not want to nurse in front of her, so I wound up hiding in the bedroom.

Good luck with negotiating your own needs, your child's, your husband's, and everyone else's. It can be tricky, for sure. Also a huge PITA.
07-16-2013 12:05 AM
LLQ1011

the biggest issue for me was the battle. I am exhausted . sleep deprived, recovering mom. I did not like having to fight my inlaws about everything. Breastfeeding, napping, schedules, cosleeping. they had so many opinions not to mention they were super weird about the baby. Our first two visits to see them left such a bad taste in my mouth and has permanently damaged our relationship. If they want to see the baby that early they need to come see you. It is too early in my opinion. Also exposing such a young baby to winter germs on a packed plane its just not a good idea. They are being selfish. I would talk about your reservations to your pediatrician he might be able to talk some sense into your husband about how a recovering new mom and a very small baby with an under developed immune system should not travel like that.
 

07-15-2013 09:19 PM
cali2tx I agree with other posters that in practice travelling with an infant fairly simple, but the anxiety of it will cause you before hand is not what you need as a hormonal new mom. I also wouldn't feel comfortable taking such a young infant on a plane ride.

Your in-laws want you to come visit but I bet they've forgotten what life with a newborn is like. My daughter was the first grandchild on my husbands side & his folks we're very out of touch with the reality of it when she arrived (wanting us to take a 3 week old out to dinner in the city at 7pm on a Saturday night, , showing up unexpected for a visit & being disappointed that the baby napped through their visit, etc). Consider planning a visit to the inlaws in March or April when the New England winter begins to pass or offering to pay for the inlaws to fly to you for Christmas or early in the New Year.

You should allow.your husband to visit his parents alone but not over the Christmas holiday. A family man will want to spend time with his family (wife & child). Stay home & enjoy your first Christmas together. Don't give in to pressure from any of the grandparents - you, hubby & baby are a family now and are entitled to make your own choices and/or start new traditions. Its not a bad idea to set the precedent that you will celebrate Christmas and travel in a way that suits you 3 best.
07-15-2013 09:02 PM
NiteNicole

I didn't get one of those magical sleeping/eating/pooping and that's all babies so in my (admittedly, limited) experience - heck no.  At that point, I was still randomly crying for no good reason, bleeding, and covered in vomit on most days.  I realize that the baby phase is often easy, dare I say even pleasant for many people - but it sure as heck wasn't for me.

 

Also?  I just wouldn't want to drag myself and my new baby across the country to stay with people I don't really like for a long time.  So for me, that's enough reason to say no.  Nope, sorry, no, it's just not going to happen.  If you'd like to see the baby, here is a list of lovely hotels in the area.  See you when we see you.

07-15-2013 08:51 PM
Lazurii

I forgot to add that every time I've taken the plane with my kids their ears are in horrible pain.  Even nursing during take off and landing didn't help.

07-15-2013 08:10 PM
marsupial-mom I don't really agree with you on all your reasons but that doesn't matter. Bottom line is you don't want to. That is enough reason! Tell the in-laws to come visit you instead.
07-15-2013 07:01 PM
sere234 Yeah, I'd initially skip the trip. Traveling with a newborn might be easier than with a toddler but its still not easy. My babies tend to eat over tired when new and in wires places with lots of people, which means lots of screaming and frustration.

My DS2 was born November 19 and we told everyone in advance that we'd be staying home for holidays. Why stress yourself out traveling, being in a strange place, all while acclimating to being a brand new parents? The first 1-2 months can be tough so I'd just simply tell your hubby you would prefer to stay home and would like to have anyone visit you. That still won't be a walk in the park but perhaps easier!

Good luck!
07-15-2013 03:14 PM
erinmattsmom88

My 2cents.gif...

 

No way, not in a million years. Your husband needs to be home with you also. It is not OK if he were to leave you there alone during this time either. BTDT. Tell the family see ya next Christmas. They can always come to you. Consider this trip your Christmas visit. They should not expect nor guilt trip you into going. You are absolutely correct. Too bad for them.

07-15-2013 03:02 PM
Lazurii

Here's my BTDT advice.  My first was born the first week of December, we were expecting him mid-November.  We had told all our family we weren't going anywhere for Christmas, but then The Hubby's brother decided to get married on the 27th and The Hubby was the best man.  Since I wasn't willing to take my 2 week old on a plane we ended up on a train for 16 hours. 

 

My son didn't sleep on the train how he should have, he dozed in 20 minute stretches and it was horrible trying to get him to sleep.  It involved a lot of odd nursing, 30 minutes of him switching from side to side while only sucking for ~10 seconds on each side.  I walked him for hours and he was wired the whole time.

 

Once I was there with family I was expected to pitch in for the wedding.  So here I am, still trying to establish breastfeeding and feeling obligated to help, standing on my feet all day while bleeding heavily.

 

Anyways, my advice to you is DON'T GO.  Stay home, there's always next Christmas, and send your husband (without making him feel guilty!) if he needs to visit his family.

07-15-2013 02:21 PM
Katie8681 I second working the cold/flu exposure angle. They just can't really argue with that. Plane travel with a newborn/young baby is quite easy, but you'd definitely still be in that settling in period and it's easiest to do that in your own home. One thought though, house guests at that time would be a total nightmare!
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