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  Topic Review (Newest First)
06-14-2014 07:43 AM
Autumnlaughing I think that *is* a brilliant idea for post-partum!

I wouldn't have thought of it either, but I agree that a bare-bones list might be less intimidating than the whole folder. As a first-timer, I don't have a ton that's on that list, but I do get irritated when DH insists that we need more coffee cups - we have about 10. If they're all dirty, someone needs to wash them! He's only here part time, and I do worry that he'll never figure it out...
06-14-2014 02:56 AM
Usually Curious
Quote:
Originally Posted by delightedbutterfly View Post
DDC Crashing...

Not to add to your todo's... But it sounds like he needs guidance moreso than it being a case of him not wanting to help.

YES, he should be able to look around and just know what to do. YES, he should be able to ask what he can do to help. BUT he doesn't and it sounds more like a case of needing the guidance to know.

Can you write a few different lists for him.

-A bare bones MUST DO list for what needs to happen Morning and Night each day. And I'm talking BARE BONES. Not what you would get done or want to get done, but what would keep the house in minimum working order if you were in bed for two days.

-A list that takes into account a few more things. Things that really need to be done each day but can go a couple days before they really become more work and more trouble. The kind of things that if you were in the hospital for csection recovery for a week would need to get done.

-A list of all the things you do broken down into Daily, Semi-Daily, Weekly, Monthly and every so often. Show him these lists. Keep them laminated or filed somewhere super accessible. And if he tells you to go lay down (or you state your needs and tell him you are going to lay down) remind him about the Lists and say something like "Thank you for realizing I need this time, the lists are on the counter, the fence can wait and the kids would love some stories."

Make it easy on him and fail proof so that it's easier on you to relax and get back into things when you feel better. It's not going to change overnight. And you shouldn't have to tell him what to do. However if it makes things easier on you in the long run then it may be worth a shot!
This is an excellent idea! And you can approach it like you are preparing for PP care ...
06-11-2014 02:49 PM
MaryLang Thank you all so much for the replies! I really hate feeling this tense all the time about this and your comments really really are helping pull me out of this funk. He does have good intentions. And my mom tells me all the time "He needs lists!!!" and I say I have a control notebook (re flylady) with all my lists in it, he can just look in there! But delightedbutterfly I have never thought of breaking it down like that! That is brilliant!! I will absolutely do this! Wish me luck!
We really do need to work together better as a team and I keep expecting him to just know. Instead of me saying "Do you live here?" this might be a bit more constructive
06-11-2014 12:49 PM
delightedbutterfly DDC Crashing...

Not to add to your todo's... But it sounds like he needs guidance moreso than it being a case of him not wanting to help.

YES, he should be able to look around and just know what to do. YES, he should be able to ask what he can do to help. BUT he doesn't and it sounds more like a case of needing the guidance to know.

Can you write a few different lists for him.

-A bare bones MUST DO list for what needs to happen Morning and Night each day. And I'm talking BARE BONES. Not what you would get done or want to get done, but what would keep the house in minimum working order if you were in bed for two days.

-A list that takes into account a few more things. Things that really need to be done each day but can go a couple days before they really become more work and more trouble. The kind of things that if you were in the hospital for csection recovery for a week would need to get done.

-A list of all the things you do broken down into Daily, Semi-Daily, Weekly, Monthly and every so often. Show him these lists. Keep them laminated or filed somewhere super accessible. And if he tells you to go lay down (or you state your needs and tell him you are going to lay down) remind him about the Lists and say something like "Thank you for realizing I need this time, the lists are on the counter, the fence can wait and the kids would love some stories."

Make it easy on him and fail proof so that it's easier on you to relax and get back into things when you feel better. It's not going to change overnight. And you shouldn't have to tell him what to do. However if it makes things easier on you in the long run then it may be worth a shot!
06-11-2014 12:29 PM
alk209 It sounds like your husband has good intentions - maybe he doesn't realize what you need. After my first (I know, I'm a total rookie compared to you!), I complained tearfully to my mom that my husband just didn't get it and she said "Why should he? And how could he? He doesn't have anything going on like you do." And she's totally right - he doesn't have the physical or emotional intensity built in to his experience of fatherhood. And that doesn't mean he can't be helpful - it may just mean that he needs more direction and explanation from you. I really appreciated my mom saying that, because it helped me to stop judging him, and start helping him to understand better. Good luck!
06-11-2014 12:21 PM
MaryLang I just don't know how to "not let him get away with it". His mom tells me that I spoiled him and that's why he's like this. Yesterday was a good example, I was throwing up all evening and he tells me "You need to go lay down", and then proceeds to go outside and finish his project of putting a fence up. Which is good and we need it (even though he took 2 1/2 hrs putting two panels up). But priorities, if your wife is that sick and is quickly dehydrating maybe forgo the fence today and help with the house, because I didn't actually get to rest until about 11pm. Maybe take care of the dog for me before you go to bed. He put a small load of dishes in the dishwasher before work and I'm sure he will be very proud of that accomplishment for the evening - even though I do no less then two dishwasher runs a day plus the pots and pans for 3 homemade meals a day. Sometimes I feel like I need to leave for a week just to help him "get it". He really doesn't think.
06-10-2014 09:21 PM
Usually Curious
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaryLang View Post
Yes, believe me he got a piece of my mind! And the pp time is mostly what I'm worried about, so interesting you bring that up. I have c/s's and I already push myself to do too much after them, but also I think I'd heal a lot better if he did step up. My oldest is 10 and does what she can to help as do the others. He grew up in a family were I don't think his dad had much respect for his mother and in fact I see still that his dad moans and complains about every little thing. That is no excuse once you're a big boy you can't blame your upbringing for everything! I mean this is always something I have an issue with during pregnany, he.just.doesn't.get.it.at.all. He's been a bit better this last week. We will see. And yes mine also provides very well and works very hard, but unlike your dh does not really notice the raising and the meals from scratch and the homeschooling, yard work, ect...ugh!
My dh has not always been one to notice. I don't know when things changed, maybe around #5 or #6 he started to notice more and do more to help.

Maybe your dh doesn't realize how much his father's attitude toward his mother affects him?

I have morphed from being a patriarchal homeschool mom to a Christian feminist over the past few years. My husband and I are equal partners in this life. We are equal in the eyes of God, too. That's why there are just some things I won't let him get away with and vice versa!

I'm sorry! I really am! Marriage dynamics can be so hard ...
06-10-2014 09:40 AM
MaryLang Yes, believe me he got a piece of my mind! And the pp time is mostly what I'm worried about, so interesting you bring that up. I have c/s's and I already push myself to do too much after them, but also I think I'd heal a lot better if he did step up. My oldest is 10 and does what she can to help as do the others. He grew up in a family were I don't think his dad had much respect for his mother and in fact I see still that his dad moans and complains about every little thing. That is no excuse once you're a big boy you can't blame your upbringing for everything! I mean this is always something I have an issue with during pregnany, he.just.doesn't.get.it.at.all. He's been a bit better this last week. We will see. And yes mine also provides very well and works very hard, but unlike your dh does not really notice the raising and the meals from scratch and the homeschooling, yard work, ect...ugh!
06-07-2014 04:59 PM
Usually Curious When I came off the progesterone supps I started to feel much better.

You'll have to excuse me for saying so, but it sounds like your dh needs a 'come to Jesus' meeting. I know people are different, and marital dynamics are all different, but if my dh acted like that (we are pg with our 8th), he would definitely get a piece of my mind. If you do the majority of the child care and house work, he can certainly step up once or twice a week. In fact, it would worry me that your pp recovery will be endangered because of his attitude.

My dh works very hard to provide for us and I give him lots and lots of respect and praise for doing so, but he also acknowledges my contribution to the family. When either one of us falters, the other steps in.

Most of all, I'm sorry you're having difficulty. Do you have an older child that can step in to help? I've called on my 17yo to supervise the littles when I need a nap.
06-03-2014 07:19 PM
lydiacaitlin oh mama, it's so important to allow yourself to rest when you need it! my suggestion would be to make a point of resting regularly (and obviously) every single evening so your husband just gets used to it. you DEFINITELY deserve a break in the evening, and any other time of day you feel you need it. take care of yourself!!
06-03-2014 06:57 PM
MaryLang
I can not get my DH to believe/respect when I'm not feeling good...

Ok, I am at my wits end here. You would think he would get it, this being my 7th baby. But by the end of the day, when I'm tired and nauseous and if I sit down for even a half hour he gets so tense and agitated that it makes me sooooo mad I start cursing like a sailor! I freakin' deserve a break by the end of the night, and if I can't keep up with my usual non-pregnant self, well duh! And I've had a fairly good (at least symptom wise) pregnancy, I'm on extra progesterone and that seems to sort of exasperate symptoms a bit, but overall good time, in fact I just mowed the lawn and did all kinds of crazy yardwork Saturday. Why can't he just suck it up and move along? Why do I feel all this pressure. It's not often, but once a week or so I will start feeling very nauseous in the evening and thats when he can't handle it. Thanks for the vent! Ugh!

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