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Thread: do you talk about the father? Reply to Thread
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  Topic Review (Newest First)
08-23-2014 07:34 PM
SunshineRocket I did want to add that after the seperation and during the divorce, I did talk to the oldest son about what was happening. He wanted to know why we had to leave our home so suddenly, I explained that because ex hurt me (he witnessed it, so understood) and we weren't safe living with him. He seemed fine with it and was fine with the adjustment. Ex was extremely controling and abusive and once I left, my son started to bloom. I was able to buy him toys and take him on outtings, which he didn't really get with EX.. so I think he saw the benefit of us leaving.

During the divorce, I let him know what was happening in ways he could understand. When I found out that ex moved here (turned out to be a lie) I prepared him for the supervised visits, that ex never showed up to- and I explained that he was never to blame for ex not showing up for the visits! I was and am amazed at how unscathed my oldest son is by all of this and think of what he would be going through if we'd stayed with his father.
08-23-2014 07:28 PM
SunshineRocket I left my ex in May 2010 due to domestic violence. My eldest son was 2 years and five months old.. and I was three months pregnant. He was in jail for several months (DV that my son witnessed) and during that time, I moved out of state to be closer to family when I delivered. Due to these extreme circumstances, he didn't get visitations and started threatening me and my family. Anyway, he hasn't seen my boys since then (never saw the little one, who is nearly four now) and that, unfortunately, is for the best. I filed for divorce two years ago and he showed up in court and was given the opportunity for supervised visitations- he told the judge he moved here and had a job, etc- but because he wasn't given 50/50, he refused to see or talk to the kids.

I will bring up things (positive) about my ex and his family. I lived abroad with ex during the majority of our marriage, so a lot of the interesting life experiences I have involve him in some way- mostly his family who I was very close to during our time abroad, which was two years. So, he comes up maybe once a week in funny or interesting stories but I refer to him by his first name, not as "daddy"- my oldest son insisted he never, ever had a dad even though he had memories of us living with EX. I think this is because we didn't call his dad "dad" but rather Abu, which his dad in his fathers language and also because he did zero parenting, like not even wiping his child's face after a meal or playing with him.

My kids know that this man is their biological father, that I was married to him and he is the man who put the "baby seed" in mommy so they were born. At this point, they never bring him up except sometimes when they're playing together one might say "We don't have a dad" and the other will say "Yes we do! ----- is our dad!"

I think on some level my oldest son remembers the hard times we had when we left ex- including the divorce because at one point he was forced to speak to ex on the phone every two weeks and it was very hard on him.. and that keeps him from asking questions.

It makes me that we had zero contact with ex or his family- I have tried to reach out to his sisters who I was close to before the divorce but they don't respond. I hope my children don't feel a void in their life due to this loss of not only a father but a huge extended family and a beautiful culture and language that I am not able to expose them to in our locale.
08-22-2014 03:02 PM
beedub Agree with pp, let her bring it up. I am in a situation where its easier, my dd's bio-father hasn't seen her since she was 5 months old, nor ihave I spoken to him since then. She doensnt have a daddy and she's been okay with that. I figure when she gets a bit older (she's already 6!) She'll realize it takes a man and a woman to MAKE a baby, but I've always told her she chose me to be her mom, and she likes that..I think she'll accept that that man helped me create her, but she chose at the source that she just needed a mom and that's fine.
08-19-2014 08:48 PM
JordanKX
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlspn View Post
When I asked her about it, she didn't want to say any more.
I question the same thing about my 5yr old DS who hasn't seen nor heard from his father in nearly a year. He always plays "Daddy" in roles and brings up the human that is supposed to be a "Daddy", but if someone brings up HIS daddy, he doesn't want to talk about it. There is anger there, I'm sure, because something is keeping him silent, but he doesn't want to talk about it.
And I don't either! I don't want to bring up his dad and then land in a conversation about.. I'd like to talk to him, and then I have no answer.
I'd answer questions if they came up, but they don't. He knows he has a dad, has pictures of his dad. But overall, we ignore. It's very sad (to me).
08-14-2014 08:35 PM
girlspn My dd hasn't brought up her father in two months. Two days ago, out of the blue, she said she wanted to go back and bring him here. Yesterday, she was playing with a kitchen mitt and punching the sofa cushions, and said she wanted to punch her papa. I was quite startled at that, and didn't know how to respond. When I asked her about it, she didn't want to say any more.
07-27-2014 08:19 PM
kblackstone444 If she brings it up, talk to her about it. If not, then let it go.

My 3 year old's father started out seeing him every two weeks, then it faded to once a month, once every couple of months, now it's down to it's been 5 months and he's recently asked to set up a visit with my son "sometime next month". My son never talks about his father at all, even when he was seeing him once a month. I don't push it. His father really has no bearing in his life at all, and on the rare occasions he does see him, my son tells me he doesn't want to go, he'd rather stay home and play. You can't force a relationship.
07-27-2014 06:14 AM
smartmama My ex and I have been divorced for over 10 years, and it's been about that long since he saw my kids.

I let them bring it up if they want. If they ask me questions, or if something comes up that requires mentioning him (a doctor asks if their father has ADHD like they do, for example), I will talk about him. But I do not bring him up to them, because I'm not going to shove him in their face. They know they can ask me anything, and they have asked me questions in the past.

I would let her bring him up when/if she wants. If she doesn't, she doesn't. Make sure that she knows she can talk to you about absolutely anything, but other than that, just leave it alone.
07-24-2014 08:40 PM
Mylie I agree with pp...Let her do the talking...I have custody of my granddaughter who is six now...I let her bring it up...
07-24-2014 07:11 PM
spruce Having been in a situation similar to this, I would just leave it up to her to bring the subject up. As long as you don't snarl when his name is mentioned, she will feel free to ask or request or bring up the subject as she likes. Pushing the topic on her makes it more obvious that he's being an absent parent, which is not something you want to bring up if it's not bothering her. Good luck, mama.
07-24-2014 07:02 PM
girlspn
do you talk about the father?

My ex and I divorced in January, and he moved to another country the following month. We have a 3 year old daughter, of whom I have full custody. At first, he would call/video chat with dd almost daily, then every other day, then once a week, once month..

Now, I haven't heard from him in over a month, and my dd no longer talks about him since we moved closer to my family.

I don't talk about him, nor do I want to initiate contact, even though we parted amicably. I answer my dd's questions about him when she asks, but she hasn't done so in a couple of months. Her aunt (my sister) even claims she doesn't recognize him in photos anymore.

I'm not sure what would be in the best interest of my dd in regards to her father? Should I talk about him?

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