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Thread: ((((Jerome John Hellman)))) Beloved Papa. Reply to Thread
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  Topic Review (Newest First)
01-11-2006 03:39 AM
rachelle-a-tron It's been almost a year, just 2 weeks away & I feel the anger & the pain coming on. I miss you so much Papa. I feel broke & twisted & useless...

I You Papa.
10-21-2005 01:22 AM
loved Yep me too, with my mother. Sometimes I look at her pictures and I simply can't believe it all over again, that I won't ever see her again. It hurts like hell.
I miss her more than words can say.
I hear you fully.

That's death for ya'. We just don't know how to grasp it.
10-20-2005 11:53 AM
rachelle-a-tron Thanks usual you make my heart smile.

It gets a little better everyday, I have moments where I think to myself... "Oh, I gotta tell Papa that," or similar thoughts & it's awful feeling, to realize I can't tell him a damn thing, that I can't call him up & hear him blow me a kiss & tell me, Love you Shell. Ugh.

I love you Papa!
09-29-2005 02:42 PM
shershine Hope you're doing okay today, mama. The nights really are the worst, aren't they? I am in the throes of grief too, and sometimes it really does feel good to just bang on something really hard. I've been there.
09-10-2005 01:55 AM
AutumnMama Huge hugs to you mama, your Papa sounds like a wonderful man. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I will be praying that God gives your heart peace tonight and every night
09-09-2005 11:42 AM
rachelle-a-tron As usual, my grief overwhelms me at night. I start to get hysterical, I hold it inside so I don't scare my Son or Husband, I feel like I will throw up & like I need to punch myself or bang my head on the wall so that pain will override the pain in my heart. Please don't think Im nuts when I say that... right after my Son Carson died, I banged my head on the wall & hit myself to try & make the pain go away. It didn't work (Obviously) & my Doc put me on tranquilizers. I wont hurt myself, I promise but It would feel better to have a different kind of pain.

Thanks for reading my 6 pages of ramblings...

Love - R
08-19-2005 10:23 AM
orangefoot Thank you.
08-17-2005 02:34 PM
rachelle-a-tron ((((Orangefoot))))

Sending you all my love & strength... (it's not much but I'll share what I got.)
08-17-2005 12:20 PM
orangefoot Hugs to you Rachel. I am feeling something of the same. It doesn't get better or easier. I had a bad week last week and ended up driving out to the country in the dead of night on Thursday so no-one could hear me wailing. I feel bad for my dh because he knows he can't help me. But I feel worse for myself which I sometimes feel is selfish and indulgent but I can't help it.

Thinking of you
Rachel too.
08-13-2005 08:21 PM
rachelle-a-tron ((((Loved))))

Im so sorry you lost your Mama.

I swear it never seems to get better... I had a horrible night a few days ago, I cried until my eyes were swollen shut, I had snot running out my nose, I was shaking uncontrollably. I think I may be about to have a nervous breakdown.
07-27-2005 11:18 PM
loved Yes to you. I miss my mother all the time. Life is so, so hard sometimes but we have to keep living it like we mean it - regardless.

You can get through this.
I can too.

We have to just keep going. That's all.

07-26-2005 10:40 PM
rachelle-a-tron Thank you ladies... I feel blessed to have your good thoughts. You make my heart smile.
07-25-2005 08:51 PM
I miss him so much. I have never went this long in my entire life without talking to him.

I don't even know you at all, and yet I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, searching for words. I'm sad for your sorrow but profoundly moved by the love that you have for your Papa and for all that he means to you.
07-25-2005 02:54 AM
BumbleBena Rachelle,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Papa. I lost my own Papa exactly a year ago today. I'm so sorry you have to be without him. You are in my prayers, and I hope you find peace soon. You and your family are in my thoughts.
07-25-2005 02:40 AM
applejuice I lost my Father the day before the 2000 election. We always sparred amicably about politics; I felt as if he should call me and give me his two cents on the matter, but of course, he did not.

I had set up an answering machine with his voice on it. I called it many times to just hear his voice. So comforting. He was so happy I helped him learn how to use that new "contraption".

Silently, I have missed him at Thanksgiving and July 4th celebrations. My children were able to have a relationship with him, which I felt was nice.

Your heart will always have a place for him; nurture his memory with love.
07-25-2005 02:21 AM
rachelle-a-tron I spent my first birthday in 32 years without my Papa. When will my heart quit aching?

I love you Papa.
06-10-2005 02:24 AM
rachelle-a-tron Thanks Shershine. I am terribly sorry that you lost your Dad.

Day after tomarrow is his birthday & I think I am going to freak out. I miss him so much.

**Happy Birthday Papa!!**
05-22-2005 03:57 AM
I do this all the time too, it is so hard to remember that my dad is gone. About a month ago I almost called him to ask for directions, he was always the one I called when I got lost since he's in real estate and knows his way around everywhere. And then the other day I was telling my mom about something new dd2 was doing and I expected her to say, "Wait until I tell dad, he'll get a kick out of that." Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
05-22-2005 02:39 AM
rachelle-a-tron I was talking on the phone with my Grandma last night & the tv was on in the background at her house & I thought I heard my Papas voice...
I almost said, "Tell Papa goodnight & I love him." I caught myself at the moment my mouth opened & burst into tears.

I miss you Papa! I love you so much!
04-25-2005 05:03 PM
rachelle-a-tron The trip was so tough... everywhere we went I had memories of my Papa. My Gram is having a horrible time right now & I can't talk to her because when she starts crying, I cry & then she cries harder. How are my Gram, Mom, Sister & I supposed to help each other when we all just cry?

I miss my Papa so much, I need his guidance right now.

I love you Papa!
04-01-2005 09:47 PM
rachelle-a-tron Thanks Mama... I am hoping in the car in about 10 minutes to get out of here, You also have a good week.
04-01-2005 08:31 PM
yurika47 Rachelle,
I know the trip will be tough but you don't have to hold it together. Although pulling over to the side of the road might be a good strategy to keep in mind. I'm assuming that you're going on the trip in rememberance of him and if its ok if makes you sad sometimes to miss him. The memories are a blessing and a curse. Would you be who you are today if you hadn't experienced all those times with your Papa? But, the memories are also what hurts or at least the fact that no more will be made. It's funny though I'm sure while you're on your trip you'll have moments when you'll realize that your papa is with you on the road, at the truck stop, the cafe, Park City, Wall Drug, because you wouldn't be making that trip if it wasn't for him. And maybe in the end, the trip will be what you've needed these last few months to see that he never really left you and will always be with you.

I'm assuming that you've left already so this post may be late... just so you know, I'll be thinking of you this weekend.

Also, it does help "talking" it out to people is therapeutic, isn't it?
03-31-2005 02:08 PM
rachelle-a-tron Thanks for listening to me, this thread is like my therapy. I can't talk to my Mom because the instant I say 'Papa' she bursts into tears, I can't talk to my Gram because I don't want to upset her... she takes along time to let it out. She just been so busy that she hasn't had time to let it sink in.

I thank you all.

03-31-2005 02:04 PM
rachelle-a-tron Thank you so much yurika47, you make my heart smile. Your Dad sounds wonderful also!

I am getting ready to head to Iowa tomarrow, where my Grandfather grew up, where I grew up, we are taking the route back home that we always went in his semi, we will be stopping at the truck stop he used to own in Murdo South Dakota, I'll be having dinner in the house he grew up in... I feel so scared. What if I can't hold it together? I need to because Im driving from washington state to Iowa in a van with my Mom, Gram, Sister & Son. How am I gonna do it, the entire trip will make me think of him, how we used to stop at this weird little cafe in Broadus Montana & get bacon sandwiches, how we'd laugh about my Gram falling asleep driving the semi going down chamberlin hill, Laughing about Snake sandwiches in Park City Montana, stopping in wall drug to see the dinosaur... Why do I have to have all these memories? I miss him so much. I want my Papa back damn it.
03-24-2005 04:53 PM
yurika47 Rachelle,
I understand how you feel. When I was 16 my dad passed away...the most amazing man I have ever met (your papa sounds a lot like him).
Grief has to be the worst feeling in the world and it's unfortunate but only those who have experienced it intensely can sympathize. But grief is also an amazing thing... imagine what it would say about your papa if you weren't so upset by his passing. I'm sure that you're grandfather is truely an amazing man and he misses you just as much and wants you to be happy and cheerful when you think of him. Think of how blessed you are to have known him and been so important to him... meanwhile the rest of us can only imagine what he was like.
I'll be honest: This is one of the more difficult times... when everyone else seems to move on but you still need time and aren't getting as much support from others. But this is also when most of your healing will occur.
I had a hard time grieving... I kept most of it in for years... and I admit it's still hard, some days some moments are worse than others. But whenever I remember him I smile. He really was an amazing man and although I miss him, it saddens me most that no one else will ever get a chance to meet him, to laugh with him, to get teased by him (except of course, when i use one of his jokes). But overall I'm lucky that I was able to experience all of that and hopefully you'll reach that point too... to realize how blessed you are despite the pain you feel from losing someone you love.
03-22-2005 05:42 PM
rachelle-a-tron Thanks Mama!

I am a damn wreck... I took my Grandma out some dinner last night & she had sold his truck earlier that morning... it was just a little junker he threw his boat on top of so he could go out fishing, anyway clipped to the sun viser was his registration, insurance papers, fishing license & on top of it all was a picture of my Son when he was 6 months old, my Papa didn't have the truck when my Son was that age so he obviously picked that out to put in there... no pictures of anyone else, just my Baby. It tears me up because my Son Chase, whos almost 6 doesn't remember a time when my Papa wasn't sick, he just remembers that Papa was really crabby & tired alot. Oh my heart is breaking.
03-19-2005 12:20 AM
Mom4tot 's Rachel....
03-18-2005 11:03 PM
rachelle-a-tron Im so angry... everytime I see a little old man I rage inside, I burst into tears & think... 'Why not you? Why my Papa?' I physically get ill, I throw up, etc. I think Im nuts. In my mind I know these Men are wonderful Papas, just like mine, but I still loathe them. I miss my Papa so much.

I love you Papa Jerry!
03-15-2005 10:22 PM
rachelle-a-tron Thanks Shershine! Im having another rough few days & I swear I may lose my mind.

On the plus side I have been excersing 5 days a week at Curves so physically I am feeling better, now to find a 'curves' for my heart...

03-10-2005 10:46 AM
Mom4tot Rachelle, 's. Dreams like that are very normal. I still have the occassional dream like that about my Dad, 14 years later. They are oddly comforting though, after all this helps me remember small things. I just wanted to say that you aren't going crazy, and you will be ok. Your body and psyche are working through this terrible loss.

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