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07-17-2013 04:46 PM

As far as being "emotionally ready" goes, there are a great many things in life for which we may not be "emotionally ready," if by that we mean "can't possibly be hurt by at all." I wasn't "emotionally ready" to graduate from college and get a grown up job (and I was late 30s). To some extent, I believe that we become "emotionally ready" through experience and perserverance rather than for waiting for a moment of perfection that may never come.


Are we not ready for sex because of age/maturity, or because we've been led to believe that it means things that it doesn't have to?

07-17-2013 04:30 PM

I appreciate this thread for a couple of reasons.


I can't away from the moral/judgment aspect of the word "promiscuous." I just realized that beyond nonconsent/coercive sexual situations, I just don't have much judgment or "should" about it from an absolutist/moral perspective. Some choices are more likely than other to result in personal harm, but I don't see that as much different than choices in other realms of life (finances, cleaning the house, etc.)


I did make some choices sexually that were harmful to me. I don't regret anything at this point. It's all part of the discovery of life and has contributed to whom I've become, and I like me.


I am at a point now as a middle-aged, single woman with two teenagers where I'm really figuring out what I believe about sexual activity and what it means to me, what values I do hold, what lines I believe to be appropriate and acceptable. I don't think that people who don't have the same lines are necessarily wrong. (Again, nonconsent and coercion are never okay. Hard line on that!) But it's not what I was taught it is, it's not what I feared it might be, and it's not what I've made it into.


I want for my children: I want them to enjoy sexual activity for it being sexual activity as soon as possible (in their sexual experience, not as soon as possible in their lives!), without it being about pleasing others, about hoping for a relationship, about acquiring experience or social status (whether in their own heads or with others). I want them to be able to know what they want, how to ask for it, and to avoid partners who aren't willing to play that way. I want my son to see sex not as something that he gets from someone, but something that he shares with someone -- and now that we're to this point, I am wondering how to frame it this way because I know what message he's getting from his father. I want my daughter to see herself as an active participant and sex as something that is about her pleasure. I want them both to recognize the greater emotional and social pieces that sexual activity sparks. If we tell them anything, we tell them about reproduction. We don't (as a culture) go much into the vast emotional landscape, and how it affects relationships.


So thanks for this thread. It gave me a good space to think about what I really think and feel.

07-14-2013 05:25 AM

I guess I would say I was promiscuous as a teen but I do not regret it at all.  I think it has made me who I am today and I do think it's made me a better lover to my dh.  My 16 year old SD became sexually active last year at 15 with her boyfriend.  She trusted me enough to come and talk to me and tell me that they were thinking about it and she wanted to go on bc.  We had a long discussion about it, what was good about it and what the risks were.  I told her I wasn't going to encourage her to have sex but if she felt she was ready I would completely accept it and support her decision.  This happened last summer and her and her bf are still together and in a very loving committed relationship.  Sex is a part of their relationship but it is not what their relationship is based on.  And my sd and I talk alot and she knows she can come to me with any questions or advice. 

07-12-2013 04:15 AM
Katobi Sorry for posting on a zombie threat! Shemphoward revived it...

I lost my virginity my senior year in high school (I was 17, barely) to a guy I had a crush on. The next day his best friend screamed it through the halls. I was mortified and labeled a slut, but he was slapped on the back and given high fives. I never had sex with any other person in high school and didn't for a long time until after I moved away. I regret that experience (the way I lost my virginity). I wish I had one like my husband: he and his first "love" dated and stayed together for a long time.

I think that even as a teen, if you have a good experience with someone you Iove and trust you'll have a healthier outlook on sex as an adult, but this belief is due to my background. I went through a time when one could say I slept around, I was 18-19 away form we're I grew up and on my own. For all intents and purposes I was an adult, but given my age as a teenager ill say, I don't regret it at all. Everyone has a different threshold for what they think is promiscuous. I don't think I was promiscuous as a teen, but someone else may judge me to have been.

I hope that when this baby arrives and the day comes that I have to have "the talk" with he or she (I never got the Talk) I can let them know my story so hopefully they can learn from it. But, that won be happening for about 15 years so who knows what I'll actually do or say.

Interesting question.
07-12-2013 02:44 AM
shemphoward312 Hello, I hope it's not too late to post here! I wonder if you would accept some input from a guy.
I was not only NOT promiscuous, I was such an outsider and a momma's boy that I didn't even know anyone was having sex. I wonder where all these girls are/were who competed, kept lists (# of guys in a night? WOW! Where was I?). I feel like all of that happened in a galaxy I was not allowed to visit. I missed the secret memo.
I didn't know there were parties, didn't go away to college-- in fact, no girl ever said two words to me all through HS. This whole process of having experiences, finding out who you are and what works for you, what YOU want out of life and out of relationships, never happened. I was expected to be responsible for my parents--since they did not get along--and that is exactly what I did, at the expense of my own social and psychological development and long-term well-being. I learned to be
ashamed of my sexuality and of my desire for independence.
And I ABSOLUTELY regret and resent having been left out and ignored. You better believe it!
04-25-2006 07:25 PM
MamaTaraX Attached Mama -- that made me smile

Since i just discovered this forum ten minutes ago, I'll asnwer this but no tthe poll because I'mnot sure how to.
I have only slept with one guy willingly and that'smy husband. We began having sex a few months after we committed ourselves to each other. I say that I lost my virginity to him. Technicaly, however, my virginity was taken from me in in the least happy of wayswhen I was 15 and I continued that abusive relationship for a while. So while I was sexually active as a teen, it was with my husband. Myfirst son was born when I was 18, a month after our 2nd anniversary

For my kids, I want them to have sexually healthy lives at whatever age. I want them to kno w and enjoy sex in healthy,loving relationships. Committed relationships preferably. I am not against experimentation and whatnot and I think it can be healthy. My oldest is 7 and I already shudder to think that in as many years, sex will be on his mind, even if only a blip on the radar. I think I would be disappointed tofind my children sleeping around and engaging in risky behaviours and unhealthy relationships. The best I can do though is to hope and pray and model a happy relationship to them.

Namaste, Tara
04-25-2006 05:42 PM
Attached Mama I got married when I was 27 adn DH was 30 and it was the 1st time for us both and we were both so happy it was that way for us.
04-25-2006 05:33 PM
Moon Faerie I said I was sexually active as a teen and don't regret it. Depending on your def. of teen, not sexually active might be more accurate. I was 18, so technically a teen but an adult teen.
04-25-2006 03:36 PM
papayapetunia I was not sexually active as a teen, and I regret it tremendously.
04-25-2006 03:15 PM
Storm Bride Oh, my - I just realized how old this thread is! I guess my response was kind of pointless.
04-25-2006 03:02 PM
Storm Bride
Originally Posted by gentlestrengths
In my opinion, no teen is emotionally ready for sex outside of a marriage relationship.
How do you know how sex with multiple partners will affect your child? Just because multiple partners doesn't affect you - doesn't mean it won't affect your child.
This interests me. In the first part that I quoted, you say no teen is emotionally ready. In the second part, you talk about the difference in how sex with multiple partners affects one person, and how it will affect another. So, in the second, you acknowledge that people are all different, but in the first, you make it sound as though all teens are the same.

Girls want to have sex to please boys, and boys want to have sex because they're hormonal.

I was as hormonal as any guy I knew when I was younger - and more so than some of them. I'm not sure I can identify a single moment from age 12 to age 18 that I wasn't horny. Sure, there were other factors at play, but there were other factors at play for the boys, too. This kind of stereotype is a bit ridiculous.

Within a marriage relationship, both partners can trust eachother with their deepest most intimate self - and only then.
That's what I have now, and I don't want anything else. But, when I was younger, I wasn't so much into that. I did marry the man that I got together with at 16 (he was 15). We stayed together until just after he turned 30. The last several years were absolute hell. I couldn't trust him with anything at all. Honestly, I'm glad that I'd had a couple of sexual partners before I met him, because "giving up" my virginity in an exercise of mutual horniness was much easier on me than knowing that I'd "saved" it for a worthless jerk like my ex!

Anyway....I voted "sexually active, and don't regret it". I definitely regret that my ex was such an accomplished liar, and that I didn't realize what he was really all about until we were married, with a son. I regret that we didn't live together before we got married, because if I'd lived with him, I'd have known what he was all about. On the other hand...I have my wonderful, talented, creative, kind, loving, intelligent ds1. So - no regrets.

And, I don't regret any of my sexual experiences before I met my ex - except the ones that weren't consensual, and those were before I was a teenager, anyway...
04-25-2006 01:17 PM
nextcommercial As a teen, I had sex with only two boys. Both were "serious" relationships.

In college, I was too promiscuous. I do regret it. One day, I ran across my old phone book from college/early adulthood. I had a hard time finding men's names in there that were men I did NOT sleep with. I was at one point all excited when I would run across a man's name that I can honestly say I didn't sleep with. (The music minister from church LOL) YAY me!

It wasn't an approval thing...I just liked sex. I would gladly go back to those years and NOT *do* most of those guys.

I hope my daughter finds a partner and has a long healthy relationship with him. I hope she never does the "trolling for men" things that I did.
04-25-2006 11:28 AM
rozzie'sma I was promiscous and REGRET IT BIG TIME.
I was looking for approval and love I didn't find at home. My firsy bf, who I was with for 2 years, was A LOT older than me. Even though my parents were married and my dad was physically there he was emotionally absent. This guy cared. It was kind of twisted, but if I bombed a test it was my bf who would be upset not my dad. Thanks to bf, I graduated at the top of my class and never got into drugs. Not saying our relationship was right, it wasn't, but it could have been worse.
04-25-2006 11:21 AM
Shakita I was sexually active, I hope I had waited a little bit more.
04-25-2006 10:43 AM
Tanibani 2Sweeties1angel, I did not loose my virginity till I was 23. I also did not have a father growing up (he died when he was 4) but my need to feel safe went the extreme... I did not trust people easily (would they protect me?) So that's why I waited so long.

By 23, I was desperate it would never happen, so I slept with someone who became my first real boyfriend.

I do not regret being sexually active as a teen (I feel the opposite feelings that you do, let me explain).

I dated "stupid" for a year. He was handsome, GREAT in bed, but a loser. He was a musician, but had emotional issues. He was verbally abusive to his mother (his mom divorced his dad when he was little). He smoked weed from time to time. He didn't want to work, he was a super at his father's apartment building. I moved in (a thief trashed my apartment and I was too spooked to go back). After a few months, he started ignoring me and just hung out with his friends. I was very withdrawn and just kept to myself. By one year, we broke up. It was very good thing too. I shudder to think what our life would have been like together if we married and had children. (I really thank God we never got pg and ended up tied to the hip for 18 years.) I was a completely different person then.

Then I started dating the person who I married. He was pretty opposite of stupid in every way, but kind, loving, was really into ME!, compassionate, very successful, yada, yada, yada.

I do not regret having "more lovers."

I regret having the one I did. I know that sounds weird to some.

When I was at my midwive's office, she had some ancient (80s ) birth book with stories of women. One homebirth mama was determined to wait to have sex until she found the man who would father her children. WOW. I was blown away. That sounded so pure to me. I wish I had read that story when I was a teenager.

I had a lot of amazing sex with "stupid." I don't spend time dwelling on it or yearning for it or remember that year in my life fondly. I don't wish for him again. UGH!!!! Sex without love sucks (to me).

He also gave me an STD (chlamydia) we had unprotected sex once in awhile (he was curious to see what it felt like). That's the risk you take when you sleep with someone who has slept with more than 10 people! Arghhh! What an idiot I was!

There is some Tara Reid movie (don't remember the title) about college students? and she goes off on some guy because her friend claims that he raped her. There is a very telling scene where he has sex with her on top of a parked car. Yuck. I'm sure some people imagine all sorts of things, but when it's really happening (sex without love) really isn't all that it's cracked up to me. That movie "Unfaithful" also had a lot of "hot" passionate sex scenes, but I have the same reaction. Ugh. The only movie with a hot passionate sex scene that I really enjoy is "The Big Easy" because there was real chemistry/passion between the characters (at end of the movie they end up married.)

I wish you peace. Having this issue torment your thoughts is rough.

I swear, prayer helps! Try it. See if it helps you. It can't hurt.
04-25-2006 01:15 AM
Shann 2Sweeties, I know exactly what you mean: I have a friend who was not at all sexually active as a teen and very much regrets not having been. She basically says the same thing you do about it. I was just the opposite (as I mentioned above): I was quite the little promiscuous vixen and no, I did not, and still do not regret it, nor do I make apologies for it. It helped me know what I wanted. Was I what could have been defined as a "slut"? Probably, but it never bothered me then and, looking back on it now, still doesn't bother me.
04-25-2006 12:50 AM
2Sweeties1Angel I was not at all sexually active as a teen and I regret it. I had 1 boyfriend for about 3 months when I was 14 and that was it until I was 18. I lost my virginity at 18 (yeah, still a teen but I was out of high school), then married the next guy I slept with. I love DH, I really do, but I wish I'd experienced more before settling down. I have dreams about having sex with other guys and have fantasies about cheating because I would love to know what it's like to be with a lot of different men. I won't cheat and I wish the fantasies would go away.
04-15-2006 11:55 AM
momfirst I was pretty much a slut! Wow, how easy that is to say in the anonyminity of cyberspace!!! I do regret it now. Part of why I was promiscuous was due to my home life...drunk, abusive mom....emotionally distant dad. Also, there were so many rumors floating around about me, I thought why not!? They all think I do anyway! I was tall (5'9"), skinny (118 lbs), long blonde hair and huge boobs (DD). There were always rumors going around about how I had sex with certain teachers (which I didn't) and how I had an abortion (again, not that time I was still a virgin). I also started using drugs for pretty much the same reasons.

Anyway, I do regret just giving myself to guys because that's what they wanted! I valued myself so little that I thought that was all I could offer.

Do I want better for my dd?! YES! I do want her to wait to have sex...maybe not for marriage, but certainly for a commited relationship...more than just teen aged puppy love. I want her to value herself and know that she has more to offer someone than sex!

BTW, my dd tells me everything ...I am not looking forward to the day when she comes home to tell me, in detail, about her first sexual experience...and she will!
04-13-2006 12:56 AM
charmander Hard to answer the poll. I had one sexual partner from the time I was 19 (still technically a teen) to age 24 when we broke up. I don't regret it at all.
04-13-2006 12:41 AM
natrowmum Promiscuous as a teen, and do NOT regret it. is what i picked as being most applicable and the most accurate answer to what i thought you were asking

i think most people would consider me promiscuous, but i never considered myself to be so. i do regret some of my partner choices. i hope my DC enter the realm of the sexual active with more taste. if only for the jokes at family get-togethers later.

besides 1st time was awful (not his fault or mine, just wished someone had known what they were doing), i would hate for that to have been my DH. i certainly would not want my DD to be married to someone she had the sort of experience with and i will probably tell her so, especially if she asks.
03-17-2006 09:16 PM
sandim I lost my virginity @ 14yrs old and i regret it. I also regret the amount of people i slept with which was about 10 people in highschool.

I never knew my dad, and looking back i so longed for a man/boys attention and affection.

Being a mother now, makes me regret it even more. I pray that my daughter never has to feel so alone.
03-17-2006 09:04 PM
mommy68 I agree with "mama two" I had a long term boyfriend that I started dating in my teen years. We began having sex when I was 15. I do regret doing it that early on. I wish I would have focused more on school and other things up until the age of 18.
03-11-2006 10:35 PM
momsincmay was i promiscuous throughout my teen years-no, but at some point during my teen years-yes(13-14).Looking back at my actions i can honestly say to some degree my lack of affection from my mother may have played a part but at the time I saw it as a way, my way of fitting. i didn't fit in with anybody which made me feel like a nobody- not the athletes, not the band, not the cheerleaders, not the "nerds", nor the class clowns or any other social group. so what could i do about it? get noticed. i thought being easy would make me "cool" ( i really didnt think things through...for that matter i really didnt think at all) Lack of nurturing may play a part in promiscuity but i honestly believe even in the most loving, open, nurturing home there's room for error. In my case looking for love, looking for acceptance, looking for validation all in the wrong places in the wrong way.
03-11-2006 02:26 AM
Bartock I had lot of boyfriends, lots of fooling around, but no sex untill I was 17 he was my first(well that's obvious LOL) and he is now the father of my 2 ds, been almost 12 years!!!
03-11-2006 02:21 AM
Shann I have to admit, I was very promiscuous as a preteen/teen and I do NOT regret it! To be honest, i would probably be just as promiscuous if I could go back to those years as I was the first time.
03-03-2006 03:19 AM
CorasMama I was very promiscuous as a teen (several dozen partners btwn 17&20 yrs old), and I absolutely regret it! I have abandonement issues, guilt issues, trust issues, and a LOT of "exes"! Not to mention, an abortion, two miscarriages, and a child before I was 24! And then there's the lifelong pain in the ass (literally) of herpes, though that came from a date rape.

I came from a very progressive family, and I have literally no idea where my sex issues come from. My parents did everything right when it came to educating me and modeling healthy attitudes about sex. That scares the crap out of me, because that means I can't necessarily control that outcome with dd.
02-22-2006 12:51 PM
Pynki I was sexually active, but didn't and don't consider myself promiscuous. By the time I'd married (at 23) I'd had around 20 partners. And I don't think that's alot. I'm sure some people do. I had sex when I wanted to have sex. I have/had a high sex drive.

So, I didn't vote. I don't regret almost all of my sexual life before marraige, and I certainly don't regret it after.
02-22-2006 12:10 PM
Teenytoona Well, I hope I can drag this back up. I clicked not sexually active as a teen (truth was I didn't do squat as a teen or young adult - no smooching, nada). But I'd also like to let it be known that I've got a bit of regret about that, truth be told, I was too shy, thought I was too fat, and of course didn't want to even think about pregnancy. But I really wish I had experimented even a little so as to know a few things about myself, and sexuality. I think sexuality is something that's healthy, natural and should be explored, so long as there is ample information about sex given to a teen or young adult. Also the importance of a respectful relationship should also be taught wrt sex ed.
01-18-2006 02:37 AM
hellyaellen i voted not sexually active as a teen. even though my first time was when i was 19.

i did go through several phases of promiscuity after that though. i've also had one self chosen dry spell of about 3 or 4 years since becoming sexually active. sometimes i've slept with boyfriends (and sometimes not) and sometimes friends or aquaintences, a few times with strangers.

since i've skirted stds and unwanted pregnancy. i can't say i have any regrets. but then the only thing i can think of that i really regret is never getting a mohawk. (and since i'm 30 i don't guess i'll ever fix that one) seriously though my past has brought me to my present and i am so happy with where i am now that i would not risk changing anything that brought me here.

as for my children i would love for them to wait for marrige. but that is an ideal and we humans are not likely to lead ideal lives. we're not perfect. and considering the average age of marrige keeps going up and up...

i would like for them to know that i love them and god loves them no matter what they do. that their bodies are their own. that sex is beatiful and natural and fun. i would like for them to wait until marrige but i would also like for them to marry their "soul-mates". if they find the "one" early in life i do think that would be a blessing but i would hope a long engagemen was planned if they were under say 20. if they can't won't or just don't wait till marrige i would like for them to at least wait for a special, loving, long-term, mutual, wonderful, beautiful partner and experience. i would like for them to fully understand and accept the mechanics of sex including the possible physical and emotional results. i would like for them to be at a place in their life where they will continue any resulting pregnancies.

i think that sums it up for me.
01-18-2006 01:43 AM
Originally Posted by momo7
I don't know....I want very much to teach my daughters the value of virginity. I think it is the most special thing you can give to the one that you love...and it shouldn't be thrown away lightly. If I could take back mine...I would in a heart-beat. I wish I'd never, never even laid eyes on that guy. It was such a slippery slope on a downward path. I married my husband (a military man, BTW) when I was 18...we've been together for 16 years. I love him SO much and I wish I would have saved that special part of me to give to him.

I couldnt agree more. I feel like I cheated myself that experience.Saving it, waiting it out, sharing it for the first time on that speical night. Maybe its old fashioned or corny but I really wish I had that chance.
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