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Thread: EXACTLY what to expect with a m/c~~Please tell your stories~~what do you see? Reply to Thread
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  Topic Review (Newest First)
09-19-2014 05:34 PM
scruffy too Thursday (10.5 weeks) – started spotting around supper time. Didn’t think much of it, despite having never spotted before. I’d been hiking with my 27 lb 17 month old on my back in the ergo most of the day. I assumed I had overdone it. Spotting was only on TP when I wiped. Had turned brown by midnight.

Friday – no spotting during day. Started up again around supper time. Once again, I assumed I was overdoing it. Very light spotting throughout the night, again, only when I wiped.

Saturday – very light spotting during the day, heavier and redder around supper time.

Sunday – called the nurses help line. Since I had no cramping, and only very mild bleeding, and lots of oxidized blood (brown, not red), no real concern. Was told to see a doctor soon, but not an emergency. Called midwife – she reassured me that without cramping it was probably nothing. Told me to rest. Stayed home and rested. Spotted all day long. Put a pad on, but not much blood was getting on pad, still just when I wiped…

Monday (Holiday, Labour Day) – spotted all day long. No increase in volume. No cramping.Monday night – started bleeding, almost like peeing, but blood. Tried not to panic. Passed a plum sized blood clot. Was up from 3am on, making trips to the bathroom every half hour to pass more blood. Getting on pad now, but not soaking through or anything. Seemed most of it passed while I was sitting on the toilet. Extremely mild cramping for about 1 hour. In between trips to the bathroom, read this forum on what to expect. Was very sad to read the stories, but I found strength in knowing so many women had gone before me in this journey.

Tuesday AM – with heavy heart called doctor’s office. Was given an appointment for the mid-afternoon. Went to appointment in tears. Had an internal which showed that my cervix was open (not a good sign). Was basically dripping blood onto the pad I was sitting on… Doctor was extremely nice, reassured me this was not my fault, nor was it an indication of how my next pregnancy would go. Was told to go home and wait for the cramps to ramp up and an increase in bleeding. Told to take Gravol or Tylenol for pain. Offered me her cell phone number in case I had questions – I declined.Tuesday PM – not much bleeding at all. Only when I wiped.

Wednesday – light bleeding in the AM. Went for an ultrasound. Nothing was found, but the tech wasn’t very forthcoming with information. Passed a sac-type looking thing (5 inches long, width of my finger.) No cramping, no heavy bleeding.

Thursday – moderate bleeding throughout day. No cramping. One mild 30 second cramp and I passed something 4 inches long, 3 fingers wide, very firm. I put it in the sink and stared at it for a few minutes. I will bury it later. A bit more mild bleeding.

That’s it. No more spotting. No cramping. No longer pregnant.

I used home-made pads for most of it. I used about 8 "real" pads total. There wasn't as much blood as I would have thought (or maybe I passed most of it during the night?) I'm still surprised I didn't have much cramping.
06-13-2014 05:46 PM
My story <\3

I know ill probably get in trouble for resurrecting an old thread but since ive read everyones stories and felt such an intense sorrow at them all i just couldn't possibly go without sharing mine...:\

My 2nd pregnancy was totally unplanned, so it came as quite a surprise to me at the beginning of January '14 when i missed my period and tested positive..According to my dates we'd conceived over christmas '13..Our condom had split and I wasn't on any other form of birth control!

I immediately told my fiance the news, he was skeptical as financially we we're just getting by with our son but we we're both prepared to make sacrifices so we could afford the baby. From what i worked out i was around 4/5 weeks at the time, so off we went to the doctors and he went ahead and confirmed it for me, I met my midwife..She got me booked in and ordered up an early scan as id had previous bleeding with my son so she wanted to 'put my mind at ease' and i was fine with that

At the time of the scan i should of been almost 8 weeks, the sonographer then placed the probe on my stomach and kept moving it around at different points on my stomach before saying 'oh' From then i knew it was bad news..He then proceeded to tell me I was only measuring 6+3 and that there was no heartbeat present..He proceeded to apologise for my loss which made me feel worse if anything..I saw the doctor afterwards who told me that the baby would pass by itself..If not id have to come back and have Misoprostil (I think it was called) to give me a helping hand..True enough my body refused to let go of the pregnancy..So off i went!

After taking it I felt fine for a few hours and was able to carry on with everything..I wanted to avoid any surgery if possible as we had our son at home and no one knew I was pregnant in my extended family, i was planning to keep it a surprise until the 12th week and then send everyone scan pictures to announce our good news.

After a while i started to get period like cramps, some we're bearable but then as soon as it got closer I had to lay down and hum during them!..A while past of these pains and eventually i felt something 'pop' out...I went to check, lots of bloody clots and there my baby was..A small see through sac..Call me heartless but i just couldn't look at it..But i did preserve it, even though it was no longer living i thought it deserved the dignity of a human being, so we saved whatever I passed and placed it into a little box..The box now resides in our back garden near the flowers!..He/she will always be close to me and that brings me great comfort!

There are some days ill venture out into the garden and sit by the burial site for a while and tell it all my problems or whatever's gone on through the day..That also brings me great comfort
05-02-2014 02:14 AM

So… just to describe my own experience thus far and hoping it might help someone else. Cross-posted this in a thread about natural m/c, here:


I am 42, one healthy child, this was a surprise pregnancy. No complications, I am in good health and all of my initial prenatal testing came back with flying colors. I had one TV ultrasound to date the pregnancy at 6.5 weeks and everything looked normal and healthy, a singleton. 


At about eight or nine weeks into the pregnancy, I remember remarking to my DH that, despite my nausea and exhaustion, there were definitely times where I "didn't feel pregnant" over the last few days. I could sense a sort of vitality missing from my uterus, and I felt oddly detached from my baby. I would try to talk to my little bean, and there was no response, in the sense that there wasn't the feeling that there was a being there. And there had been, before. It wasn't the same absolute definitive feeling that I've had with knowing I had become pregnant, but it was different. I had been preoccupied with health insurance coverage problems and having to switch providers, so I chalked it up to tiredness and worry.


At 10 weeks into the pregnancy, on the day that my menstrual flow would normally have started if I were not pregnant, I began spotting in the morning. It was barely noticeable, light brown to pink, but continued throughout the day with a couple of small clots. I felt sad and panicked but also resigned to whatever process was going to happen.


That evening, when I stood up from the dinner table, I had a severe cramp in my mid-upper outer thigh. It felt like a bone-deep pulled muscle. It was very odd, and I did not think it was related to the spotting. Along with the pain in my leg came a sense of dread and mortality, and a lot of hypochondriac thoughts that I was dying or had cancer or had a fatal blood clot in my leg.


The second day, I felt two bouts of lightheadedness in the morning and cancelled my work plans. The strong cramp feeling in my thigh was severe enough that I went to urgent care, where a physician who knows my medical history reassured me that it was nothing serious. I twice passed a few small clots and a little bit of bright red blood, perhaps a quarter teaspoon each time. I prayed that it was some kind of minor hematoma and not the end of the pregnancy.


By dinner time that evening, I had developed "period" cramps in my lower back, glutes and perineal area that eventually became severe enough that I could not eat dinner. Some of the cramping could only be relieved through labor type meditation on the sensation. My DH gave me some labor type massaging and that helped. I also took a 10 minute walk outside, and that helped me to stay calm and relieved some of the stronger sensations. I had a sense of resignation. I struggled to find a comfortable position, often curled up in child's pose with back rounded and a pillow under my belly.


After an hour or so, essentially there was a mini contraction and it felt like water breaking. I spent the next several hours - basically the entire night - in the bathroom with more mild contractions, and expelled over several hours probably about 1 to 2 cups of bright red fluids, and tissue that looked much like my placenta from my 1st birth. It did not smell offensive, but the volume was incredible. It would come in waves at pretty regular intervals of several minutes, and then slow down. I didn't think to time it. At some points I tried moving the process along by bearing down and pushing a little bit, and would pass more tissue.


Eventually I brought a garbage bag into the bathroom, a roll of paper towels, and went through at least three rolls of toilet paper and five or six maxipads through the process. 


I tried occasionally to read, to keep myself distracted from very painful cramping, but it was extremely difficult to concentrate. I had a sense that I was in "laborland" mentally.


It occurred to me a couple of times through the night that it might be helpful to try and pass the tissue into a collection bowl rather than the toilet, to be able to inspect it more carefully, but I didn't have the energy. I did, as others have mentioned, occasionally scoop some of the solid tissue out of the toilet by hand to inspect it. The placenta-like material was very firm and seemed to have a thick rounded lip on it. One particularly firm and large piece seem to have the shape of the fetus inside it. It was about an inch long with a longer tail-like strip along the back of it. I found myself marveling at the health of all this material. It felt like such a waste, my body had grown this huge healthy organ and it was being shed. I had vague thoughts of examining the material and the fetus-like mass further or trying to save it to bury, but I didn't feel the attachment strongly enough and didn't have the energy to figure it out logistically. I gave it my respect and my acknowledgment, we forgave each other, and I let it go.


I took periodic breaks when the flow seemed to cessate a little, and found that stretching out my hips on a yoga mat was really helpful at relieving the cramping. At one point, when I thought I was safely between contractions, I tried moving around the bathroom for a few minutes without a maxipad in place to get in the shower and clean up, and it was an absolute horror movie mess. Other than the appearance, the blood spatter on the floor caused a strong smell of blood.


I became extremely fatigued about halfway through the process, around 2am, when I tried cleaning up the sticky, scary mess on the floor. Bending down, combined with the now powerful smell of blood, caused me to feel nauseous and lightheaded. I took a break and drank some electrolytes, finished cleaning and got some sleep on the yoga mat. 


I got up at 4:30 PM, needing to pee, and passed a very small additional amount of tissue. At that point, it seemed to me that it was finished. I felt an urge to "work" and "finish" the miscarriage.


Throughout the third day I experienced moderate bleeding (bright red fluid), much like a period, with more cramping that was uncomfortable but milder than many of my periods, which tend to be very heavy and severe. I probably went through 3 maxi pads. I tried to limit my activity, but still had to drive the car and run a few errands. Being on my feet was particularly exhausting. But the bone deep pain in my thigh that had preceded the m/c had completely resolved.


I contacted the very few people who knew about the pregnancy and let them know that it had ended. When they responded with kindness and sympathy it made me cry. It was as if I needed the confirmation of others to admit the pregnancy was over and grieve. I could feel my "happy" pregnancy hormones waning and my heart felt very heavy. At the same time, I felt so grateful that my body was rejecting what surely must have been an unviable fetus, and I felt a sense of connection to other women who have lost a pregnancy. This mix of upward release and downward loss, combined with needing to put a brave face on for most of the rest of the world, including my 1st grader, and employees and visiting family stopping in and out of my space, made it really hard to truly process or grieve, or express the deep and conflicted feelings. I actually curled up for a good cry a few times and like clockwork someone would show up other than my DH and I would have to put a brave face on things. Due to my age, and the early stage of the pregnancy, we had told few people about it, and particularly not some of our more gossipy friends, employees and relatives who had consistently expressed judgmental views to us about older women having "deformed babies" etc. 


The following evening at around the same time, more severe cramps began again. I was awoken by a contraction in the wee hours of the morning and passed a bit more placental tissue, perhaps a tablespoon or two worth. Some of the contractions also yielded a clear slippery mucus.


The fourth day was easier, but I still felt quite sore with the need to rest. I could feel that my uterine and lower back muscles were exhausted. I spent most of the day sitting sort of balled up on the couch catching up with visiting family members, and occasionally passed a bit more tissue with frequent trips to the bathroom. The tissue was becoming less and less "alive" looking, instead they were 2-4" strips of brownish red tissue that appeared more broken down. Each time, there would be a sudden rush of flow that would send me running to the bathroom. I was at the end of the box of maxi pads, using about three but not 'filling' them. The flow was still bright red, with some small dark purple clots and some more clear mucus.


Later in the day, while running the afternoon errands, the opportunity finally arose for me to tell the visiting family what had happened, to explain my unusual lack of activity and ability to carry heavy items. They were kind and sympathetic. This brought a sense of a bit more emotional relief, but not release. 


On the fourth evening, I experienced cramps higher up on my back, from below the shoulder blades to the top of the hips. A massage from DH did not help relieve it, and it was extremely uncomfortable but not sharp. Stretching helped a little, but it was a difficult area to stretch. After falling asleep exhausted, I was awoken again by a contraction at 3AM. I passed another piece of tissue on the toilet, this time something slippery, small and hard. It occurred to me that this may have been the sac with the fetus but I was too sore and tired to examine it, and thought that surely after a few weeks it would have been disintegrated. After another hour, the back pain stopped.


I have been drinking red raspberry leaf tea, trying to eat iron rich foods, and resting as much as possible while maintaining my routine of regular light, non-work activities such as shuttling my child to school and light house chores. My feeling of depression makes me want to exercise, but I feel like my physical body isn't ready to do that. I feel weak and anemic.


The one thing I am a little worried about is an infection. My home is --not-- a sterile environment. but, I am guessing that infections would be pretty rare, and perhaps more likely if you are in the hospital.

01-29-2014 08:33 PM

I posted this as a separate thread, but now see it belongs here as well. Peace and healing to you all…


Though it is difficult, I believe that sharing these stories is empowering, and sharing the details of delivering our lost babes may help many women. I’m so sorry for anyone who experiences this. Thank you for reading my story, as it is part of my healing.


We found out 6 days ago at 11w+4d that our baby measured at ~8weeks and the heartbeat we saw just 2 weeks previously had ceased. I had no cramping, bleeding, or other signs of impending miscarriage, and had attributed my diminishing symptoms to rounding the bend from morning sickness. Of course, we/are were shocked and crushed.


My goal was to avoid medical intervention if possible. I wanted to complete this life cycle on my own, in the comfort of my home, with my husband nearby. On Friday I began taking homeopathics sepia and sabina, Yogi Moon Tea, and red raspberry leaf tea as well. I went running one day, played tennis for 2 hours another, and walked for miles and miles each day.


On Monday evening around 6, cramping and spotting began. My energy really began to flow, where it had felt blocked before. I became unafraid, though my sadness was huge. The cramping came in waves, not unlike the tales of labor I’ve read in natural childbirth books. I slept fitfully, woken by discomfort through the night. 


Tuesday (yesterday) came. I had walked already in the morning, but after lunch my husband accompanied me on another loop around the neighborhood. The contractions (there is no denying what they are) came intensely throughout the walk. I would zone out and focus on my body almost unconsciously when they came. We got home and as I was telling him I thought things were really happening, I felt a sudden gush of fluid. I am not kidding you, my tiny water really broke. (It is absolutely insane that the docs tell you to expect a “really bad period”.) I sat on the toilet and pink-clear fluid rushed out, followed by blood. In the next 2.5 hours, I had intense contractions followed by some giant blood clots that looked like liver. At the height of the pains, I delivered our tiny little underdeveloped baby, who looked just like one of those week-by-week illustrations of the 8 week mark. I moved into the shower and the placenta came. It looked just like a placenta (like in birthing videos and stories), and it was big! The size of my whole palm, plus some. I had immediate physical relief after a few more pains and expulsion of what I hope were the last of the clots. I was exhausted, but also so grateful that I could accomplish this at home. I was impressed by the process, and so happy that I could have this tiny taste of motherhood. It felt nice to be free from anxiety after all this time.


I delivered our tiny child just yesterday. We placed its body and placenta among the flowers in our backyard. Though I’m still healing physically, I believe that having a natural miscarriage at home is helping me to heal emotionally as well. No woman’s choice is wrong, however, but I feel it was best for me. I wish healing and love to anyone who must endure this loss.




01-20-2014 11:32 AM

And now the story of my most recent loss. 


3. After being caught off-guard twice before, this time I had a feeling that something was wrong from the beginning of my pregnancy. On Nov 7, my temperature dipped to tell me AF was coming, but 2 days later when it still hadn't shown up, I took a HPT and saw only a hint of a line after the 2 minute window had passed. I repeated the next day and the next, and on Nov 11 (CD 32) it finally showed up during the specified time frame. I continued testing, but the line never got any darker. Also temperature was erratic. It never went below the coverline, but it came close a few times, each time eventually going up. I had to stop temping because it was worrying me. Around 5 weeks, I took the test that lets you know how far along you are, and it said 3+ weeks, which means 5+ weeks, and I believe corresponds to HCG levels of at least 2000, so that was reassuring. At 6 weeks, I had my first prenatal check-up and I talked my doctor into doing HCG testing. He gave me to blood reqs and told me to go a week apart, so I went at 6 and 7 weeks, and my levels were 12,732 and 26,821, respectively. My doubling time was almost a week! But dr said not to worry because both were in the normal range for their week and doubling time slows after HCG reaches 6000. However, due to my anxiety, he scheduled me for an "early" ultrasound on Friday, Dec 20. I would be 10 weeks by LMP, but I was thinking I may have  O'd a few days later to explain my lower HCG. So 9.5 weeks.


On the weekend before my ultrasound, I thought I was developing a yeast infection. I was feeling irritated and itchy and then my discharge took on a greenish tinge. On Tuesday Dec 17th, it turned brown, just before I started spotting. I had an evening doctor's appointment, in which he took swabs and said he saw no sign of infection--only blood. The blood was coming from the cervix, which was "tightly closed." I got a blood req for HCG to be taken the next day.


On Wednesday morning there was a snowstorm, so the local blood lab was closed. I had to travel through the storm to a blood lab in the city. Fortunately, no one else felt like braving the storm so the service was quick. I went home (called in sick) and waited for my dr to call with the results. The bleeding was getting heavier and more period-like. After my doctor hadn't returned my call, I called the clinic and asked the evening secretary to tell me the results. She told me (or I heard) that they were just over 2000. At that point, I knew it was over. I called my parents (who didn't know I was pregnant) and told them to come watch my son because I was miscarrying and might have to go to ER. It took them hours to get here because of the storm, so they spent the night and took DS home with them the next day.


On Thursday morning, my doctor called to say my HCG level was a little lower, but everything could still be okay. I asked, "What do you mean?" and he explained that the number had dropped to a little over 20,000, but it is normal for them to start to go down after 8-9 weeks and since it was a different lab it could give different results. I still don't know how I heard 2000 the night before, but I told him I was bleeding more now and he said it wasn't a good sign, but encouraged me to go to the u/s appointment the next day to find out for sure what was up. My bleeding got heavier throughout the day and I had very painful gas-like cramps. At one point I bled through a pad and needed help getting off the couch to walk to the bathroom because I was bleeding so heavily. On the toilet, I passed several large clots, about the size of my fist. It was very scary and emotional and somewhat painful. However, when I attempted to scoop them out of the toilet to see if there was any tissue, they dissolved into strings of blood. I put in a new pad (a heavy duty hospital one I had left over from my previous miscarriage) and bled through that in an hour, along with more large clots (same as above). I repeated again. I know I should have gone in at that point, but I didn't want to go back to the previous ER. I wanted to go to my u/s appt the next day, which was at a different hospital. So I went to bed and the bleeding actually slowed down to almost nothing.


In the morning, I showered, had breakfast, and drank my water. My bleeding had slowed down to heavy brown spotting. I went to the hospital for u/s and had to fill out a questionnaire about the pregnancy and my history.  I mentioned the bleeding and cramps. I went in for the u/s and told the tech that I was probably miscarrying and I didn't want to wait until Monday for the results. She promised she'd get me answers that day. She was very thorough, spending more time on images than any previous u/s tech had, although she wasn't showing us the screen (my DH was allowed in the room this time). Then I had to pee and get the vaginal u/s. Then she went and got a doctor. The doctor said, "You know I don't have good news for you, don't you." and I told her that yes, I knew things didn't look good. She said my uterus was enlarged and full of blood clots and "debris" but the only sign of pregnancy was a small gestational sac, measuring about 5 weeks, which was empty. She told me that the hospital had an Early Pregnancy Complications Unit, which was closed for the holidays, but she had managed to track down an on-call doctor or intern from there, who would see me in the Early Labour Assessment Unit. So I ended up back in the room I had been in when trying to convince others that I was in labour with my son. It was surreal. Of course I picked the D&C option again because I just wanted the pain and bleeding to stop.


When they found out it was my 3rd miscarriage, they brought in a Reproductive Endocrinologist who specializes in early pregnancy loss. She agreed to send the tissue from the D&C for genetic testing, and also to run blood tests on my and DH. The D&C was done under conscious sedation. This sounded scary to me, but apparently I did quite well, and DH noticed that I recovered much faster after the procedure than I had from the last one. With conscious sedation, you are given pain medication and something to make you forget(???) but you are not unconscious. However, I am told that most people sleep through it. I don't know if I did. 


After this miscarriage, I bleed lightly for almost a week and then spotted for another week. It took almost 5 weeks for HPTs to turn negative, and this coincided with more spotting/light bleeding. Less than 3 weeks later, I'm spotting again, and I still don't think I have ovulated. Suffice to say, my cycle is still screwed up. I am getting the blood work done this month and seeing the specialist in March to go over the results. I feel like the purpose of this pregnancy was to get me to the right doctor to figure out what is wrong with me so that I can have a healthy pregnancy in the future.

12-23-2013 06:47 PM
M Anna

((HUGS)), NSmomtobe. I'm so sorry.

12-22-2013 12:39 PM


January 13, 2013: I was approximately 11 weeks pregnant when I woke up at about 2:30 am not feeling well. I went to the bathroom to pee and I noticed I was spotting. I was devastated because this was exactly how my first miscarriage had started. Up until that point, I had believed that it couldn't happen to me again because a) I had had a healthy pregnancy in between, so everything obviously worked, b) I was so much further along in my pregnancy than I had been when I had my first loss, and c) I had strong pregnancy symptoms starting a couple of days before I realized I was pregnant (4w) and continuing on... although the nausea had started to lessen after about 8 weeks. I had an hcg level of almost 41,000 around 7 weeks, which I thought signified a healthy pregnancy, so I had started telling people around 8 weeks. Everyone was so excited for me that I couldn't imagine letting them all down now. I somehow managed to get back to sleep despite my worries.


When I awoke for the morning, the spotting was actually the least of my concerns. I woke up experiencing watery diarrhea and forceful vomiting, which I was quite certain was not pregnancy related. Fortunately, the spotting was no heavier than spotting. Since it was Sunday, my options for medical care were limited, so I chose to stay in bed (with plenty of trips to the bathroom) and I got my parents to come and get my son so I would not have to take care of him while suffering from the effects of a Norovirus.


January 14 (Monday): I called my doctor's office in the morning to tell him about my weekend. The vomiting and diarrhea was definitely a virus going around and there was nothing the doctor could do about it. As for the spotting, he said again there was nothing he could do, but if I wanted to get an ultrasound to check things out, my best bet would be to go to ER. He said that he could not requisition an ultrasound for spotting, and even if he did, it would not be a priority so it would take up to a month to get in. Again, he recommended the ER. So I spent the afternoon in the ER waiting room. Spotting is not an emergency, and it took 6 hours for me to be seen.


The ER doctor was not terribly compassionate. She seemed annoyed that I was wasting her time by coming in for spotting. She did an internal exam and said, "Your cervix is tightly closed, your uterus is enlarged, and you are hardly bleeding at all. You are not miscarrying." I was relieved for the first time in 2 days! But I still wanted reassurance. I asked if I could have an ultrasound to see if everything was okay or to find the reason for the bleeding. She said, "No, but we can do some blood work." It was not what I wanted at all. I didn't think that blood work could tell me anything at that point, and it meant waiting another 2 hours to get the results. I just wanted to go home at that point and be happy that I wasn't miscarrying and see if I could get an ultrasound arranged by my doctor for sometime in the near future. But finally I was called back in by the (not-so-compassionate) ER doctor.


Dr: "Your blood levels don't look good for 11 weeks. Are you sure you are 11 weeks pregnant?"

At this point my heart dropped again and I asked what they were. I figured out she was talking about HCG.

Dr: "3089." 

Me: "Uh, are you sure? They were over 40,000 at 7 weeks."

Dr: "Oh yeah? In that case, it really doesn't look good. I can give you medication to end the pregnancy tonight--you can take it vaginally--or... maybe I can send you for an ultrasound."

Me (weakly): "I would like an ultrasound please."

The doctor shrugged and said, "okay, I'll go arrange it with the OG/Gyn staff" and she left the room. 

I started bawling. I knew there was no way that the pregnancy could still be viable if the HCG level had dropped that much. 

The doctor came back in and said, "What's wrong? Did I say something to upset you?" Anyway, to her credit, she had arranged an ultrasound appointment the next day, followed immediately by an appointment with an OB/Gyn to go over my results.


January 15 (Tuesday): I went for my u/s at 2:00 in the afternoon. It was in the same place as my previous miscarriage ultrasound. The technician had a little bit more bedside manner than the last, but she didn't let my husband into the room and she didn't comment on what she saw. After a few minutes, she told me that she needed to do a vaginal ultrasound to get a better look. I said, "That's not a good sign" and she said, "I'm sorry I can't say anything." So I got to pee and change into a johnny shirt and then come back to the ultrasound room for a better look.  she took some more pictures and then when she was done, she directed me to where I was supposed to go to get the results.


The OB/Gyn I saw was fairly compassionate. When I arrived, he asked me to tell him what I already knew so he could fill in the gaps with the ultrasound information. According to the ultrasound, there was no heartbeat and the fetus measured 7w4d (1.3 cm). It had stopped developing weeks ago. It was a missed miscarriage. We discussed options and I chose D&C. The doctor told me that Wednesday was his surgery day, so he would schedule me in for the next afternoon. He did do a pelvic exam on me and told me that my cervix was still tightly closed. Then he had me fill out all the consent forms and paper work for the D&C and told me to take it home with me and bring it when I came into the hospital the next day. He also said that if anything changed between now and then--any increase in bleeding, cramping, etc.--I should go back to ER right away and bring the papers and they would wave me through (so I wouldn't be stuck in the waiting room for another 8 hours). Anyway, we wrapped up our meeting and headed home. On the way home, I started to feel cramps.


I got home around 4 and called my mother to update her on the situation and she decided to keep DS another night (she had been planning to bring him home that day). While I was talking to her, I said, "Wow, I feel like I'm having contractions here" and she said, "You should probably go rest." So I got off the phone and went to the bathroom. I sat down to pee and felt a gush come out of my vagina, along with a really large clump. I fished it out of the toilet and put it into a yogurt container. It was at least the size of a fist, and blood red. It was bigger than the amount of tissue I passed with my first miscarriage, and I really and truly believed that was it. I poked around looking for the fetus and found a small, fetus-shaped blood clot measuring approximately 1.3 cm in length. In retrospect (after my 3rd miscarriage) I believe this was, indeed, just a blood clot, but at the time I thought it could be my baby. It was the right shape and size, except it was blood red. There was no other colour present. When I tried to turn it over in my hand for a better look, it slipped back into the container with the rest of the blood and I never saw it again. At this point, I may have noticed I was bleeding profusely. I briefly considered not going back to the hospital because I thought I had passed it all, but then I remembered what the doctor said about going back if anything changed, so I placed a disposable diaper inside my underwear (I knew better than to bring cloth pads to the hospital), took my bloody yogurt container, and we headed back to the hospital.


I was admitted quicker upon arrival (around 6pm). I could barely walk because I felt like I was gushing so much blood and i was experiencing full labour contractions at that point. I was wheelchaired into a private room, where I stayed until I was ready to brave going to the bathroom again. DH notified a nurse, who came with me because I was scared of what I might find. One unexpected thing that I have mentioned to very few people was that as I walked to the bathroom, the disposable diaper in my underwear started to expand itself up my vagina, which was a startling sensation to say the least. When we got to the bathroom, the nurse came in with me. As I pulled down my underwear, there was a bit of a popping sound as the cork from the diaper was pulled out and the amount of blood and tissue I saw at the point was seriously traumatizing. I think someone else in this thread mentioned seeing something that looked like a liver. Yeah, that was in the pool in the diaper, and as I sat on the toilet, I could see/hear chunks falling out of me and blood flowing like pee. I had to have a pep talk from the nurse to get out of that bathroom. i was mad when she threw my underwear away, but rather than asking for it back, I just said, "How am I supposed to walk back out of this room without underwear to hold a pad?" She gave me an adult diaper and wrapped a towel around me for a skirt. I was very grateful for this nurse who stayed with me throughout the evening. We left the bathroom, which is where I believe my little embryo ended up--either in the toilet or the garbage (diaper). I got back to the hospital bed and was given an IV of fluid and my blood was drawn in order to get my blood type in case I needed a transfusion. At this point, I was glad to be in the hospital. I don't think I would have been able to handle it on my own. I might have passed out from blood loss.


After a few hours, I still had not passed everything (despite the on-call gynecologist trying to reach into my uterus and retrieve tissue, while being annoyed that I was in pain from contractions, and I was still bleeding heavily, so I went to the OR for a D&C around 10:30 pm and I made it out of the hospital a little after midnight. 


I couldn't sleep at all that night. I wondered if it was an after effect from the anasthesia. I did end up sleeping for a large part of the next day (Wednesday). When my son came home that evening, he nursed for the first time in more than 3 days, and it didn't hurt anymore, as it had throughout the pregnancy.


I spotted on and off for 2 weeks after the D&C. I met with the doctor who I had discussed my u/s results with and he said the procedure appeared to have gone well. He said that there was no fetus found in the tissue extracted by D&C (which is why it must have come out in the toilet; the ER doctor had dismissed the yogurt container contents as "just a couple of blood clots") and that the tissue was tested for molar pregnancy, which it wasn't, so I should be fine to try again after taking a cycle or 3 to heal. He said that since I had a healthy child, there was no reason to believe that I couldn't have another healthy pregnancy, and he assured me I would see him again under better circumstances (implying that I would go to him when I got pregnant again, which was rather presumptuous, but he was trying to be comforting so I let it go). I ordered a bunch of cheap pregnancy tests online to check HCG levels and by the time they arrived 3 weeks later, I tested negative for pregnancy. We avoided TTC that cycle, but I believe I O'd around 26 days after the D&C. I guess I should mention that after my natural miscarriage at 6 weeks my urine tested negative by 2 weeks (when I received tests) and I O'd on day 23. So it wasn't much of a difference in return to fertility.

12-21-2013 07:39 PM

I read through this thread while I was waiting for my 3rd miscarriage because my first 2 were so different from each other and now I think I should add my own stories. They will be in 3 different posts though.


#1. December 20, 2008 was the day I reached 6 weeks of pregnancy. When I woke up early in the morning to pee, I noticed spotting, which worried me, but I put a pad in and went back to bed. It was my first pregnancy and up until that point, the only thing that concerned me about the pregnancy was that I was still taking my basal temperature in the morning and it had dipped on the 18th and 19th. It was still above the coverline, but lower than it had been. When I mentioned it online, i was told to stop temping after getting a BFP. In any case, when I woke up for the morning, I was experiencing full-on period-level bleeding. I called the on-call doctor because it was the weekend, and he told me I was probably miscarrying and there was nothing he could do for me, so he said I should just stay home or go to ER if I started bleeding excessively or developed a fever, etc. I got off the phone and cried.


The whole day was spent crying and bleeding, but it really wasn't much heavier than a period, except there were clots, which were mostly very small. In the evening when I went to the bathroom and wiped, something fell out onto the toilet seat (I really don't know how it landed there instead of in the toilet) so I picked it up and examined it. It was blood covered of course, but it was a roundish fluid-filled membrane. I'm going to say it was about 3 cm in diameter (just over an inch?) and I can't remember if it was ruptured when I picked it up, but it was when I was done. I jammed my thumbs in and felt around for an embryo. I found nothing. I wrapped the sac in toilet paper, said my goodbyes and flushed it.


On Dec 23rd I had my first official prenatal visit scheduled. I showed up to see if my doctor could confirm the miscarriage. The bleeding had actually tapered off to spotting by then--I only bled for 3 days (20, 21, 22)--but then again my periods tend to be light and I wondered if this may have contributed to the miscarriage (not enough uterine lining). I told the secretary when I arrived that I believed I had miscarried over the weekend. She got me to give a urine sample anyway, and she dipped a pregnancy test strip--it came out positive (although weak). She shrugged and said, "Actually, I guess that could go either way. Let's wait for the doctor." The doctor came in and did an internal exam. He told me my cervix was closed so I was not currently miscarrying, but he couldn't tell by the size of my uterus whether I was pregnant or not. He sent me for an ultrasound.


Amazingly, I was able to get an ultrasound that afternoon. The technician was very impersonal. She told my husband to wait outside. She put the gel on my belly, waved the wand around a few times and said, "Okay. I'm all done."  I said, "What? You're done? What did you see?" She said, "I can't tell you that. I will send the report to your doctor within 24 hours." I was speechless, but she chased me out of there. I called my doctor when I got home, and he said he had not yet received the report, but he would call me as soon as he did. He pointed out that they were open the next day (Christmas Eve) only until noon.


December 24th - I called the doctor's office a few times in the morning and spoke to the secretary, who promised he'd call me back. He did call at 12:30 to say that my uterus was all clear. There was no sign of pregnancy remaining. It had all passed naturally. He told me to try to enjoy the holidays with my family and said that I could start TTC again as soon as I felt emotionally ready. Merry Christmas!


We did start trying right away and 4 months later I became pregnant with my son. 


I just wanted to leave that one on a happy note. I will be back tomorrow with another.

09-08-2013 02:15 PM
Shiloh Mareseatoats, I pray you never go into this rabbit hole and think its awesome you're educating yourself. There's too much about mc and birth loss I think collectively we ignore as its too difficult to wrap our minds around it. I wish I'd have known more about mc and have appologized for not being there for my friends after theirs before I knew how ugly the grief was.
09-03-2013 03:51 PM

Partial molar pregnancy at 9w1d.


I got my bfp at 10dpo and I was thrilled. My tests got darker faster than any of my past pregnancies. And that's saying something because with DS my beta's doubled every 24 hours. By 6 weeks I was starting to feel a little nauseous, which isn't like me in pregnancy, at 7w6d I found the heartbeat, but I didn't get my hopes up because i'd miscarried after this point before. By mid week 8 I could tell my fundus was measuring ahead, even for me. In hindsight these were all signs of a partial molar (except the heartbeat thing.) but at the time I didn't want to worry myself.

At 9w1d we were talking about how much I was showing, and I joked about twins. But I knew it was unlikely since i'd only heard one heartbeat. So, smarty that I am, I went to check again for TWO heartbeats. Only this time I didn't find any. The longer I looked the more I knew. I'd been here before. I wasn't finding the heartbeat, because there was no heartbeat to find.

That afternoon I went into the ER. They took me in quickly and thought they saw a heartbeat on the portable ultrasound. Went upstairs for a proper one and they were wrong. There was no heartbeat. It was a partial molar pregnancy. They explained to me the complications of this. A PMP can cling extra hard to the uterus, and not clear out easily. Bits of it can metastisize to the lungs or liver, so I had to have a blood test and lung xray.

The next morning I was scheduled for a D&C. I came in at 7am and was not allowed to eat or drink. It took til about 4pm before I was finally taken in for the D&C. They explained my anaesthesia options and wheeled me in. When I woke up in the recovery room they explained to me that they thought (incorrectly) that they had perforated my uterus and I had to have a laparoscopy. Which means a breathing tube down my throat and 2 pokes to my abdomen. I also needed a stitch to my cervix, which upset me because they had said the chances of such were like 1 in 1000.

It's been a couple days and I'm home now resting up. My arms are bruised from needles and my belly hurts the most. My throat still hurts a little. Emotionally it hasn't much hit me yet. But I think it will when I pick up the remains on in 2 more days. Which by the way, they won't give you until you make arangements with a funeral home, because the chemicals used by pathology are carcinogenic.

So. I'm also waiting on pictures from my ultrasound. That will help too. But for now i'm sort of in the limbo phase. Oh. And I have to go for weekly betas, and I'm not allowed to ttc until they've been solidly negative for a few months. So that's where I'm at right now.

09-03-2013 12:58 PM

:grouphug  It is such a gift to be able to read all of your stories. I have not had a loss, but I know the statistics and, as we plan on two or three more, it seems more likely it could happen. I have always avoided reading about miscarriage, as if avoiding the subject would save me from having one; I am very glad I decided to read your experiences. I don't know, I hope that doesn't sound flip or insensitive. I really feel so thankful to all of you for sharing your stories. You are all so wonderful and strong, and I wish you all so much love and light.

04-15-2013 10:38 AM

hmbill I am sorry for your loss. I really appreciated your story. I am a geologist and sometimes that scientific perspective is misunderstood as uncaring and insensitive but I don't think that your story comes off that way at all. I think your choice to stop the progesterone was spot on. I had to giggle just a little bit when you said that you weren't going to look at it. I thought yeah right that scientific curiosity is going to take over and sure enough it did. I am glad that you have closure, which looking at it provided. Rainbow.gif

04-13-2013 08:08 PM

This thread was very helpful to me leading up to my recent miscarriage, so I want to share my story to "pay it forward".  I want to preface this by saying that I am a biologist with a significant amount of pathology reaction to my miscarriage is definitely colored by this.


We conceived the first month that we stopped trying not to.  I was banking on a couple of months as a cushion, so I was pretty surprised that it happened so quickly.  I have a singleton and a set of twins and was experiencing symptoms somewhere in between what I had experienced with those two pregnancies, so I was a little freaked out that it might be another twofer!  I happened to have my annual exam scheduled for the week after I got a positive urine test, so had a blood test to confirm and found good hcg, but low progesterone.  Repeat blood work, good hcg, progesterone still low, so I started progesterone supplements.  This was at about 5 weeks I guess.


Around 6 weeks, I went for an ultrasound.  Because of the low progesterone, the fact that I have a set of fraternal twins and the fact that I had a blighted ovum in 2008 (between successful pregnancies), I was anxious to see what, if anything, was going on in there.  Found embryo with normal heartbeat and of normal size.  More bloodwork.  Progesterone not rising, hcg rising slower than doc expected...but I held out hope because it was already high enough that doubling times should be longer.


Around 7 weeks, another ultrasound because of "slow rising" hcg.  Found fetus, normal heartbeat, but not much growth since last scan.  I decided at that point, to stop taking the progesterone and trust my body to do what it needed to do...whether that was to keep the baby or to abort the baby.  My insurance stinks, so I was paying for the progesterone out of pocket and the side effects just weren't worth it for me.  I was a cranky, stressed out mess and it wasn't fair to my three children or my husband to continue for a "maybe".


After I stopped the progesterone, I was actually kind of surprised that nothing happened.  Week 8 came and went with nothing eventful as did week 9.  I started spotting the day before Easter (week 10) and I knew that was the beginning of the end of this pregnancy...but it was also the end of the agony of being in limbo.  As strange as it sounds, on some level, I immediately felt better once I knew what the outcome was going to be...even though it was not the outcome I had hoped for.  I spotted and bled lightly for exactly one week.  Two nights before I actually miscarried, I had some moderate cramping and thought that might be the day, but it stopped just before I went to bed.  I didn't have any bleeding to speak of for the following two days.  These days were very frustrating because after almost a week of random bleeding, I was ready for it all to be over.  Last Saturday night, the cramps came back.  This time they didn't go away.  They were just like labor contractions, except smaller because my uterus was smaller.  The pain started just below my belly button and would radiate downward before sitting in my cervix for what seemed like forever!  They were very regular, but completely manageable.  I spent this time sitting on the couch with my husband.  I found that sitting cross-legged with my head in my lap was a decently comfortable position, so that's how I sat.  About two hours after the cramping started, I felt something shift inside.  I had the thought that I might want to take some Tylenol and had better get it before it was too late...but it was too late already!  When I stood up, I could feel "stuff" starting to slide out and had to run to the bathroom.  I had not planned to look at whatever I passed, so I sat on the toilet.  As I sat there, I passed a few large pieces of "stuff" and the cramping immediately tapered off to almost nothing.  I felt like I wanted to get up, so I did, but had to sit back down immediately to keep from making a complete mess of my bathroom!  Shortly thereafter, I tried again to get up and, though it was a race to get my pants up before I dripped blood, I was able to do so and decided that I actually did want to see what I had passed after all.  I didn't have anything in the bathroom to use as a scoop, so gross as this may be, I reached into the toilet and fished out a large clot.  I tried again and I honestly couldn't believe what I saw...a completely intact placenta and sac with a little white embryo floating inside.  I can't even describe the feeling that I had when I saw was just amazing.  Looking at it brought complete clarity to the situation...I was 10 weeks pregnant, but this was clearly no more than a 6 week embryo.  What's more is that it never formed an umbilical cord...meaning that this miscarriage was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not my fault in the least.  That's a good feeling given that I had made the controversial progesterone decision a few weeks earlier.  Anyway, for the next hour and a half or so, I sat on the couch with my husband and got up every 20-30 minutes or so because I felt like I needed to pee.  Every time I got up, I ended up racing to the toilet because of another clot.  Finally, roughly two hours after the bleeding started, it had slowed enough that I could stand up without worrying that I was going to soak through my pad.  This was about 3am and I was exhausted, so I went to bed.  The next morning I woke up to only a light to medium flow.  I'm still spotting a week later, but I haven't had any cramping since that night and I'm feeling better every day.


In the end, I am a little surprised at how un-tragic this feels to me.  I know I'm supposed to be all torn up inside, but somehow, this tragedy has ended up giving me a different sense all together.  Life is largely about perspective...mine's just different, I guess.  I have three children, all of whom were born in a hospital with an epidural...this was my first experience with "natural labor" and though it didn't result in a living baby, it did result in a sense of empowerment that I've never felt before.  My body is incredible and I will definitely be more trusting of it and myself the next time I have to make decisions about labor and delivery! 

04-10-2013 06:28 PM
M Anna

tremieli, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing your story. I think that being able to read other women's stories does help because that's what I went looking for when I found out I was going to miscarry the first time. Today, in fact, is that little boy's second birthday. He was born at 12:30 AM while I labored in the bathtub. His story is here (it's at the bottom of the page).

04-10-2013 07:28 AM
tremieli Blighted Ovum, miscarried at 10.5 weeks

I want to keep this thread alive because it was very helpful to me and I think to many others.

I was diagnosed with a blighted ovum at my first OB appointment at 8 weeks. My midwife, who I hadn't met before, was extremely wonderful and caring as she told me. I felt very peaceful, and still do, and decided to wait to have a natural miscarrige, which the midwife supported. I had some bloodwork, which determined that my beta's were falling, and so I decided to wait for the inevitable. I read through this entire thread. Some of the stories are much more dramatic than what happen to me, so I want to share my story as an example of a relatively easy miscarriage.

I started spotting about 10 days after my appointment. i had some clots and some watery purplish bleeding, but it was not heavy. That went on from Friday to Tuesday. On Tuesday morning, I stopped spotting. I didn't believe my miscarriage was over, because I hadn't had much bleeding, and I expected it to start again.

In the late afternoon on Tuesday, I began to have some painful crams. Nothing like labor, as some woman have described, but more like really severe period cramps. After about an hour of cramps, I felt something move, and went to the bathroom and passed some huge clots followed by some blood. I think the clots were stuck and causing my pain, because the pain stopped after that. Then after another twenty minutes or so, I passed more clots and began bleeding at about the same level as a heavy period. I passed more clots about every twenty minutes for about three hours. I felt good and kept doing my regular activities between trips to the bathroom.

After the three hours, I mostly stopped bleeding and haven't had any pain. That was yesterday. I suspect my miscarriage is complete, and have an appointment on Friday to confirm. Overall, it wasn't frightening as I was expecting. The worst part was just waiting for it to begin and wondering how long it would take. I was very tired afterwards and went to bed early. I hope this helps someone as this thread has helped me.
10-18-2012 06:30 PM

Hadn't seen this thread before.


For me, miscarriages 1-5 were all very similar...just like a late, heavy period.  My first was probably the worst, because it was the most shocking (not that the rest weren't as awful, but I just knew what to expect).  Cramped like a normal period too, but I cramp a lot anyway.  (with my very first one I also DID take methergine after an E.R. visit...miscarriage happened while we were on vacation.  E.R. was terrible, asking if I was sure I was ever pregnant, how did I know, etc, then the vaginal u/s was terrible and made me bleed a HUGE gush afterward)


Miscarriage #6 was a MMC, we didn't find out until my 10 week u/s.  Baby had passed a week and a half prior.  I was adamant about avoiding a D&C so it was a full 2 weeks before my hCG dropped low enough for the process to begin.  I had NO spotting or cramping or ANY signs of it happening until the night of 12 weeks, then I woke up in the night with full on contractions (literally, just like full-term labor) for about 45 minutes and then I passed the entire sac intact.  The pain disappeared with that.  I bled like a regular period for about a week more.


Miscarriage #7 was an ectopic.  I had an empty uterus at my 6w5d u/s, but very clear tubes as well.  My levels we dropping normally, and I started bleeding that same day, and my doctor assured me it was just a normal miscarriage.  I bleed for a week...which WAS a "normal" miscarriage for me.  EXCEPT there was zero cramping.  At 8w3d I started to feel gassy, but without the gas.  I had some dark red spotting/bleeding off and on.  Called the nurse but she wasn't concerned.  By that night the pain ceased.  In the morning it was so bad, I barely got out of bed and just laid on the bathroom floor, unable to move and afraid I was going to vomit.  Hubby (a medic) came home, MIL and FIL came over (RN and MD) and gave me zofran and a percocet for the pain, and then we decided hubby would call work so they could transport me to the E.R. (did NOT want to go in ourselves and have to lay on the waiting room floor in horrible pain)  About an hour and a half later I was in the u/s room, and while she was scanning the pressure ruptured my tube.  I went back to the ER and was into emergency surgery a bit later and had lost 800cc of blood by that point, and they removed an 8cm mass from my tube, as well as the tube itself.  Couldn't do it laproscopically because of the extent of the bleeding and the damage, so I had a full 5" abdominal incision to recover from.  Had NO bleeding or spotting after the surgery though.  I DID suffer from some depression after this loss.  Whether it was from the experience itself or from a culmination of 5 consecutive losses in 12 months, I don't know.

10-16-2012 09:23 AM

Thank you for starting & bumping this thread. I am going through a miscarriage of my first pregnancy. It has been so hard to educate myself about something that no one wants to talk about. Here's my pregnancy and miscarriage story.


I started to have suspicions I was pregnant on August 16, but didn't get a BFP until August 21. My husband and I were surprised and happy and began to educate ourselves on how this all works. On Sept 6, we went for an early ultrasound for dating and viability. We should have been 7 wks at that point but the fetal pole measured 5 wks. I began to worry because I was very sure of our dates, but we were told to come back for a follow up in a week or so and we'd see some development. I'd also been spotting, light pink or brown, since the end of August, but I was told not to worry about that, it can be normal for some pregnancies. I had been charting using CRM so I was still in the habit of examining after I wiped, so maybe I was picking up on very faint signs that could safely be ignored. I felt pregnant - sore breasts, vaguely motion sick most of the time, very fatigued - so I put it out of my mind and focused on the positives.

My husband and I decided to wait a little longer to go back for our follow up u/s so that we could see a definite change in the growth of the baby. At around 9 wks, my pregnancy symptoms started to lessen, and the frequency of my spotting began to increase. At 10 wks we went back for the second u/s, and there was an embryo, but it measured 6 wks. They spent a long time looking for a heartbeat and we were told there was a flicker. We were told there was a high probability of a miscarriage but that it could still go either way. I had an HCG test done that day as well and was 22,555 - my mw said the hormone level was normal, but the u/s was cause for concern.


At 11 wks, my pregnancy symptoms were negligible and the spotting changed and became more like brown bleeding. It stopped and started, was very minimal. I called the mw and she told me to prepare for a miscarriage. I started to pass long, thin, dark red clots - about the length of my pinky finger - once or twice per day. I hadn't had any cramping though, so I was still uncertain about what was going on. I rested and waited, and searched forums online to try to learn about what was going to happen. How much bleeding? How much pain? How big was this going to be? The only specific advice that I got was to go to Emergency if I filled a pad within an hour.


At 12 wks, we had the follow-up u/s again. We had delayed again, this time because I thought the miscarriage might have finished by the time I got to the appointment. Instead we saw that the embryo had no change, no flicker. It was still in the center of my uterus so the doctor said that the miscarriage hadn't really started at all. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage. My HCG test measured 519. It was a relief to know for certain what was happening.The mw referred me to an "Early Pregnancy Loss Clinic" at a hospital, and gave me the details of the options for progressing the miscarriage. I could choose the D&C, the misopro... pill to induce, or just to wait and do it naturally. I again turned to the internet to try to understand what would happen with each of those options. I got some more practical advice, such as preparing for very heavy bleeding overnight (I put old sheets on our bed and put a plastic liner underneath to protect the mattress).


The next day, I began to have mild cramping like the first day of my period, and the bleeding started to increase. It never turned into a big steady flow for me. I was regularly passing clots the length of my pinky. The next day after that, I had moderate cramping, like the worst day of my period, and I passed some large clots, about half the size of my palm. Generally I was passing clots when I was having bowel movements. I was never instructed to retain any tissue for diagnosis, and I wasn't comfortable with trying to search for any remains. I thought, if I see it, I see it. If not, that's ok. (Again the practical details of saving the remains - like using a colander over the toilet - I had no idea.) I spoke often with the nurse at the EPL clinic and she said the clotting was the breakdown of the placenta. She said this day was the one when I had the"official" miscarriage, and that most likely, no other medical intervention would be required.


After the large clots, each day, I had moderate or heavy bleeding and mild cramping, like the first day of my period. It's been like that for 4 days now and is only slightly starting to taper. It's never been heavy enough to fill a pad so I know this is safe, it's just slower than I expected. The bleeding is bright red and looks pretty much like my normal period. Sometimes I still feel light gushes of it but I never had the contractions or very heavy flows that other ladies are describing.


My worst day was two days ago, after 3 more days of heavy bleeding. I felt physically worn out and emotionally drained. I'd had 5 days of the worst days of my period and I was getting tired of it. I wish it would be over and that I could get back to normal. However I am really glad that I didn't get the D&C or the pill. This miscarriage has progressed at its own rate, it's allowed me and my husband to process it one day at a time, .... much like the way the pregnancy began and ended as well. I had to learn how to surrender to the pregnancy and now I've surrendered to the miscarriage and this was the right choice for me, this time.


For most of the past 2 weeks I've worked from home. My symptoms were never strong enough that they would've physically prevented me from going into work, but I preferred the privacy of my own bathroom. I told my boss about the miscarriage and he was extremely sympathetic and supportive in giving me time off as I needed it.


My husband and I had announced the pregnancy to close friends and family, very early on, after about 6 weeks. We wanted to share our excitement and let them know why we were behaving differently, and we also knew there was a risk we'd have to tell them bad news. But we knew we could count on their support in the event of bad news, and this has been the case. In fact, we've expanded the circle of friends who know about the miscarriage now that we're going through it. For us, it felt better to acknowledge it. I can't imagine how difficult this is for women and families who suffer in silence. I'm very grateful for all the support we've had, from friends, family, as well as caregivers such as our midwife and the nurses at the EPL clinic.


I hope my story is helpful to anyone out there who is bracing for the worst and doesn't know what to expect. Everyone's different. This is a huge loss and I wish you strength and health and peace.

10-14-2012 09:05 PM
Jennyanydots We went in for our first US to check dates on Friday, September 21, and there was no heartbeat. It was incredibly sad. I thought I was about 11 weeks, but measurements showed the baby had stopped growing at about 6-7 weeks. So hard to think I was feeling excited about a new life that had been dead for weeks. I'd stopped feeling nauseous about 2 weeks prior to the US, and I was a little nervous about that but convinced myself nothing was wrong.

I began to bleed on Tuesday, the 25th. Steady, but a little lighter than a period. Then on Saturday, the 29th, I ran some errands before driving to pick my daughter up at a friend's house. At about 4:00 I started having intense cramps. They were very painful and really did feel just like labor contractions. I was still driving, though with difficulty (stupid, I know), and I looked at the clock every time they began and subsided. They were 3 minutes apart like clockwork and lasted about 1 min. I managed to get my daughter home and when I stood up to get out of the car it felt like my insides fell out. I had my daughter get my son into the house and I waddled into the bathroom. There was so much blood and tissue in my pants, I had completely soaked thru the jumbo overnight pad (I'd been wearing them in anticipation of a big mess) and my underwear.

I sat on the toilet and passed a lot of blood and tissue. I never looked at anything closely. And I just kept bleeding. It sounded like someone pouring water, so much blood. After a little while I started to think this really was abnormal. I put a pad in my bloody underwear and put them back on, and sat down again. I changed it again, and within ten minutes I'd soaked through 2 jumbo pads. So now I was sure I was bleeding more than enough to necessitate a call to the midwife.

I called her and she told me to lay in the bathtub and start a deep abdominal massage. The tub looked like a murder scene. The floor was covered in blood, the toilet smeared with it... I was crying and trying to clean up while making an even bigger mess. After about ten minutes the MW called back. My bleeding hadn't lessened, and she insisted on calling an ambulance because DP was at work and she was completely against my driving.

I called out to my daughters to bring me fresh pants and underwear, then cleaned up the bathroom as best I could. Mostly this consisted of wiping the floor and throwing everything in the bathtub. I didn't want the kids to see all the gore. I heard a siren approaching, so I emerged from the bathroom after being in there nearly 45 min, and told the girls what was going on. I just said that sometimes when you have a miscarriage you need a doctor 's help to stop bleeding, and that I needed help driving to the doctor, so that was why I was going by ambulance. I asked them to take care of DS and went out to meet the EMTs.

It was a fire truck & crew that met me. They had me sit on a chair on the porch and talked to me while we waited for the ambulance. I bled completely through 2 changes of clothes in the 20 minutes we waited. 2 pads layered each time, underwear, pants and all. It was humiliating to have those men see me with blood pouring down my legs.

And the blood just kept coming. At the hospital on the stretcher it pooled under me from my calves to my mid back. My sheets and the towels they placed between my legs were changed three times before I was taken for surgery. The OB on call informed me that they did not have any of my blood type, and she was only going to use O as a last resort. She also said that the fact that so much time had passed from the fetal demise to the miscarriage, the tissues and blood had become stickier and more difficult for my body to expel, and that was why I was hemorrhaging. I wish I'd been told this was a possibility- I would have scheduled a D&C rather than waiting to MC on my own.

The first dr we saw in the ER (DP met me there) was one of the most horrendously insensitive people I've ever met, and we are filing a complaint at the suggestion of the charge nurse who witnessed what happened. Because this is getting so long, I won't go into it here. The OB, and all the nurses, particularly in the L&D wing where they kept me overnight, were wonderful. In fact, it changed my mind a bit about hospital birth. If we do have another, that particular hospital will be a consideration.

Anyway, it's just over two weeks since the big day, and I'm still bleeding. Really hoping things will go back to normal soon. My hormones are crazy, too, and I've been depressed a lot- feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness... Not fun. Thanks for reading, if you were able to get through all that.
10-13-2012 08:51 AM

Lost in September 2012:

I knew I was pregnant from the very first week we conceived. It was weird. I was having insomnia every night. I now think my insomnia was because of adding a life on top of iron and b12 deficiency that I haven't confirmed, but as soon as I started taking those, I have been sleeping through the night. I had the really bad hunger pains by a week and a half after conception and some other various things that confirmed my suspicions though I hadn't had a positive test yet. I got a positive test 2 weeks after I think I conceived. I told friends and family, thinking it'd be nice to have their prayers and support no matter what happens. I hoped I would never be someone that would have a miscarriage, but of course, you never know. I started to notice after a few days that the pregnancy tests were NOT getting much darker. I was only getting a faint line. I knew that might be bad. It never happened that I could remember with my other pregnancies. I started to feel less pregnant as well. My symptoms were going away. I started spotting a week after my positive test. I asked the midwife I had set an interview up for about it and she suggested implantation bleeding, but that made very little sense since I already had a positive test, but it was nothing still though I expected the worst. By the next day the bleeding picked up and was like a heavy period day. I felt so exhausted and sick and crampy. My cervix was getting painful cramps(dilation) and I felt like I was in early labor that day and the next. I still had quite a bit of pain for a couple more days after that, but the bleeding wasn't very much anymore. I passed penny sized clots during the time and smaller. The bleeding tapered off after 3 days and was just like a light period and then spotting that ended after 8 days. It was pretty heart breaking. My best friend doesn't think a woman should even know they are pregnant that early, but I always know with a test or not. I can't hide from the truth. I'm sad that it happened, but I hope to move forward and Lord willing, I hope to have more children. I had another friend that had an early miscarriage that wasn't spotted until she was  9 weeks, so I was able to find comfort talking with her. We understood each other. I feel mostly fine about it now, but I am pretty scared of it happening again and do feel sad when I think about it sometimes.


So, even an early miscarriage can be painful and not necessarily like a heavy period. I've had really heavy periods at times and this wasn't anywhere like it. It was more like early labor and period hanging out with each other. :( I hope that helps if anyone finds themselves going through it.

10-11-2012 11:12 AM

I wrote about my miscarriage and recovery on my blog. I wish I'd known how much blood was too much. Now I know.

Praying for those of you who have gone through this like me. I am grateful not to be alone in loss.

10-10-2012 04:08 PM

Regarding the test, it takes a long time for your hormone levels to drop down after a miscarriage.  The baby could have passed a long while ago but your body still has the hormone, which does not fully go back to normal for weeks sometimes after a miscarriage.

01-07-2012 06:09 PM


Tuesday 1/3/12 (12w6d):

I'm supposed to be 13w pg tomorrow (Wed), but we found out at our ultrasound last night that the embryo/fetus never developed past 8 weeks. (Isn't 8w the transition to fetus-status? add that detail to my confusion at relaying my experience; I don't even know what to call it.) I'd spotted bright red last Thursday (*right* before boarding the plane back home to MO from Florida), but then it stopped as soon as it began, and I didn't feel any cramping. Just took it easy, spotted a teeny bit of brown on Sunday, and waited for my first mw appt yesterday (Mon) afternoon. When she couldn't find the hb, it didn't send any red flags up, really--she  has a less powerful doppler, and I was going to have an u/s that evening anyway. We just chatted, dh got comfortable with her (she's a friend of mine, but he didn't know her), and the boys (6 and 3) got to talk about being big brothers. At the u/s (dh and the boys were with me), the tech tried an abdominal u/s, but barely got anything--what she got was a small blip that wasn't moving; that much I could tell. We switched to transvaginal, and I could immediately tell it was way too small, not as developed as it should be, there was no blood flow or hb, and certainly nothing was moving. I now note she didn't turn the video recorder on for the transvag... She measured & said baby had stopped developing sometime around 8w. I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. She works with my mw a lot, and called her, then asked me to call her after I'd left. The boys were sad, dh was sad, I was sad--we talked about how it  meant the baby wasn't alive and we wouldn't have a baby this summer, and that was certainly something to be sad about. My 6yo seems to be having a harder time than I thought he would; he repeats several times a day how sad he is that we're not having a baby. We hug, I commiserate, rinse, repeat. When he asks why the baby died, I say it's because it wasn't just perfect--the DNA didn't come together to make a baby that could live. I hope he understands (says he does)...but even though *I* understand, it doesn't make it any easier for my heart. I almost feel duped--I'd sworn that I'd felt movement the past couple days. After reading, I know that those were uterine spasms, but that's what gave me peace of mind before the u/s. 


I'd been taking progesterone supplements to support the pregnancy since about 3-4w. We'd been TTC for about 18 mos (minus 2 that I did a detox in the middle there), and suspected some hormonal imbalances/deficiencies, so when I had a healthy BFP, I practically ran to my OB office for a progesterone level. It was deemed "normal," but was on the absolute lowest end, so I opted to supplement. I wonder now if that's why I still haven't actually had the m/c. Not that I'd change that, but this limbo is tough--I've been carrying around a dead baby for a month & would like to have physical closure now that I think I've worked through the mental part of where I am right in this moment. 


Where I am is having taken a couple doses of black/blue cohosh and cotton root bark tinctures to get contractions started. I've been wiping pink for nearly the whole day, and it seems to have increased a bit this evening and been accompanied by some very light cramps. I'll continue the tinctures through tomorrow, and hopefully the process of birthing my loss will begin soon thereafter (if not before). I have a chux pad under my sheet on the bed JIC I wake up with bleeding tonight. I'm concerned that since it's been a month already, that if I don't complete the m/c soon, I may end up with an infection or d&c. I do have misoprostol in case it's not completed by this weekend, but hope not to have to use it. DH and I discussed tonight that we'd like to see and touch and bury our baby if at all possible (I told him that it is probably already broken-down some), so a d&c would not give us the healing and closure we'd like. 


Thursday, 1/5/12 (13w1d):

A couple days later, and I finished the tincture protocol, even thought I'd pass everything last night, but the contractions petered out. I've read over half of the stories in the "what to expect" stories thread (boy, it's LONG :( ), and I assume I can expect it to pick up again tonight, right? [edit: it didn't; nothing happened at all] I feel like I've been in limbo for too long already--I've grieved as much as I can at this stage & feel like I need the loss to be completed before I can move through any more. I kind of just want someone to tell me that I will finish the physical process of miscarrying tonight... Or how many days/nights of "almost" birthing your loss it might take... Or what to expect with a home cytotec/misoprostol induction...


Friday, 1/6/12 (13w2d):

I did another "day 2" of the black and blue cohosh tinctures, and contractions were moderate, but bleeding was tapering off late in the evening. I was going to do cytotec at 9pm, but my less-than-helpful husband kept the boys up later despite my constant "they need to get in bed NOW" commentary. (I couldn't do it b/c I was contracting, of course.) Since my contractions weren't going away, but not getting any more intense or closer together, I decided I'd add cytotec at 10 instead. (400mcg sublingually, per WHO guidelines; I couldn't do vaginal since I was bleeding, and hadn't had a bm yet, so didn't want to do rectal in case it was "wasted" in short order) I took it along with 2 meclizine (antiemetic) and 800mg ibuprofen. The cytotec crumbled pretty easily under my tongue, but just kind of stayed there, so after a good 20 min, I had to swallow it with a swig of water (the taste wasn't as bitter as some meds I've tasted). I gathered things like orange juice, water, a book, my phone, a couple of chux pads, extra towels, and headed upstairs to my bathroom. I had been hydrating like mad all day, so decided to just sit on the toilet and pee/bleed while I was contracting. I'd flush when the blood made the water too dark to see through. About an hour after the cytotec, the contractions got much more intense (incidentally, 60min is the blood peak of misoprostol when taken sublingually; sublingual administration also maintains a higher concentration in the blood for a longer period of time than the higher/faster peak of oral administration). I passed a few marble-sized clots, then moved between the toilet and squatting/sitting on the chux pad for the next couple hours. Then I felt like I might have a bm, so got back on the toilet, and I did, but at the end of it, my waters broke into the toilet, too. Immediately, I got off the toilet and onto the chux pad, then flushed the toilet. When the amniotic sac had broken, I felt immediate relief, and didn't really have any more heavy contractions. Once I was squatting on the floor again, I felt a teeny ctx and pushed only slightly; that's when the embryo/fetus came out. I stopped what I was doing, picked it up, and looked at it closely. It had begun to deteriorate a little bit, mostly the arm/leg buds. DH squirted contact solution on it to slide it gently off my hand and into a Ziploc baggie. It was no bigger than my pinkie fingertip, maybe even smaller. We looked at it a bit more, and I realized that the head hadn't completely fused--there was a hole between the eyes, and another dark spot at the top of the head. Immediately, I felt gratitude that the pregnancy had ended; this clearly couldn't have grown into a baby, much less a healthy one. I'd had a strong feeling that the pregnancy ended because of a physical anomaly, and I was right. Then DH and I talked about everything, and I answered some biological questions he had (why the pgcy continued even after the embryo/fetus stopped, how it got so far along in the first place even without having a fully fused nuchal tube, etc). Then I realized I hadn't checked on how the labor was progressing & see if the placenta was ready to come. I thought I was passing a clot that had just sort of dried stuck to me while we looked at the embryo, but when I reached down to touch it, it was meaty, and I realized it was the placenta, but it wasn't budging. I realize now how fortunate we are that the embryo didn't fall out into the toilet when the amniotic sac burst. While we waited, I realized I was starving & had dh bring me some lunch meat and a piece of leftover pizza, and drank my orange juice. Fast forward an hour, and while I'm texting with my mw about how to get it to come out even though I don't have any ctx and bearing down wasn't finally just plopped out. (after I'd reached up past my cervix to sweep and see if it was still attached right there or something; it wasn't) I'd trickled blood for that hour around the placenta, but was afraid it was blocking a lot more, so wouldn't let DH go to bed until after it had passed and I knew I wouldn't hemorrhage. I did tell him to lie down on the bathroom floor, though (he's very much NOT a night owl and is typically pretty much useless in the middle of the night, lol). Once the placenta came out, though, I didn't really have much bleeding.


Maybe there's a "part 2" to the labor that's around the corner to expel more of the blood, but I'm not having much more than a light-moderate period-like flow. Maybe my body absorbed much of the lining, though, too. The placenta didn't seem as meaty as I'd think, but I'm thinking that stopped growing before 8w, too, and possibly started breaking down, too...? I know the amniotic sac kept growing bc of the ultrasound we'd had, and I assume that's why it broke rather than coming out intact; it was a lot bigger than the rest of everything I passed. I had a brief rinse-off in the tub to get the dried blood off, then got in my pj's with a big postpartum pad on, and went to bed at 2:45am.


Saturday, 1/7/12:

I woke up at 8am to pee, and went back to sleep until noon. Got up and ate more food than I have in an entire day. I'm still feeling tired, dizzy if I stand for too long, and everything else you'd expect after a birth (except very little bleeding still, and of course, no baby). We have the placenta and embryo/fetus (I don't know that it reached a full 8w; seems like the buds weren't developed quite that much, so I'm not inclined to call it a fetus) in contact solution in the refrigerator. My mw will come by in the next couple of days to take my blood to monitor hcg levels, bp, temp, etc, and when I asked, she said she was interested in having a look at them. They're really fascinating!


Now I just wait to bleed and start the roller coaster of TTC again. We have plans to bury the placenta and embryo, but don't have specifics yet, and don't have a memory box put together yet. I'd like to take pictures of what we have, but don't know that I'll put those in a memory box. 


Wednesday, 1/11/12:

Today was a pretty good day. Sunday seemed okay (still kind of numb, I think), but Monday was horrible. I had some computer problems that just sort of screamed at me as a reminder of how I had no control over anything and my anxiety just ramped up all day long. By evening, I was shaking and couldn't get to sleep. At 2:30am, I took one of dh's leftover hydrocodones in hopes that it would at least let me get some sleep...Bad idea, btw. It let me lose consciousness, but I wouldn't call it sleep, and certainly not restful; I had horribly disturbing dreams until I got out of bed at 9:30. Still had tons of anxiety/was shaking, but had appts and such yesterday, so I had to shower (always a positive step, lol). I cleaned my kitchen and did 4 loads of laundry before my midwife came for my hcg blood draw. I showed her the placenta (which also apparently grew to near-13w size) and fetus. I've since studied some embryology photos, and surmised that development was consistent with 8w+, but it was as small as 7w (there's a big jump in noticeable size between there). My theory is that development slowed significantly but still carried on until it simply couldn't. We looked at the teeny fetus and she saw the same malformations as I did. I also shared my anxieties with her, and she gently guided me back to my senses and toward natural solutions rather than toxic-in-the-long-run-no-matter-how-much-I-wanted-Xanax ones. I went to my naturopathic pharmacy and got some amino acids to help with restful sleep and relaxation (phosphatidylserine and L-theanine, in case you wonder; I was already taking GABA for calmness--which wasn't enough on its own). Taking those yesterday, I slept much better last night. Today I was pretty "normal" I think. Yesterday, I went to a homeschool field trip yesterday and could tell everyone was walking on eggshells around me. One woman asked me when I was due, and I was abrupt when I told her I'm not pregnant (I don't care for her much, anyway, though). I did talk about it with another friend, and it wasn't a difficult conversation at all, surprisingly. My bleeding has barely been more than streaking when I wipe, which I was concerned about (that I'm not bleeding enough), but my mw thinks it's normal, and after having seen my placenta, says I don't need to worry about not having passed everything. Even so,  my hcg yesterday was still 226, at 3.5 days post labor/birth. I'm having another draw on Friday, and will continue to have draws every 3-5 days until it's zero. DH and I also had a conversation last night about the loss and how my body worked perfectly well...and how we will try again as soon as my cycle is normalized. I'm going to start temping next week when (hopefully) my sleep cycles are a little more normal.


I took photos of the placenta and fetus tonight. I think I have the correct link to share private photos here.

12-04-2011 08:28 PM

Bumping for all of our new sisters and those who find themselves here again.


Love, peace, and light to you all.



08-10-2011 11:57 AM

I started spotting at 12 weeks pregnant - it started out pinkish/brownish but after a couple of days it became bright red. I talked to my midwife, I was hoping it would turn out okay but she sounded worried.


At 13 weeks (on a Thursday) I went in for the ultrasound we had scheduled. That was when we found out the bad news - the doctor said the baby was very small and there was no heartbeat. By its size, he thought that it had died at around 9 weeks. He said that it would be best if I could wait it out and have a natural miscarriage. I was in shock, I had no idea the baby could die but that I could continue having pregnancy symptoms for a month.


The following night (a Friday) I had some cramping and the bleeding got a bit heavier, but Saturday and Sunday it was back to just spotting/light bleeding. On Monday night I went home from work early, and as soon as I lay down in bed I started to have intense cramps. For the rest of the afternoon and evening I kneeled on the floor leaning on the couch, with a heating pad on my belly. It was painful and I was passing a lot of blood and medium sized clots. I went to bed around 11 pm and the cramping stopped, so I was hoping the miscarriage was over.


On Tuesday I just had light bleeding all day, with a lot of very slippery feeling clear fluid - maybe amniotic fluid? But then on Tuesday night, I woke up around midnight with cramping that was quite a bit worse than the night before. The heating pad wasn't helping anymore. I kept wanting to sit on the toilet and push, but when I did that I started to have really intense pain around the perineum area like I was hurting myself, so I just tried to walk around and went back to leaning on the couch. After about an hour and a half, I was feeling like the pain was on my bladder - I felt like I should pee but it wasn't happening. Eventually I tried to stop pushing and relax that area and try to urinate - and that's when there was a weird popping feeling and a little bit of urine came out. The cramping stopped immediately and I reached down and pulled away a chunk of tissue.


I am not really sure what it was - I feel like it was mostly placenta but I don't know what it should look like. Most of it was kind of grey/whitish, almost like the skin from raw chicken. On one side there was a dark red/brown piece that looked like a chicken liver (sorry for the chicken analogies but that is what came to mind). I looked through it all but nothing looked like a fetus. The whole thing fit into the palm of my hand, it wasn't very big.


When it first came out I felt like flushing it, but then I thought I would regret it, so I wrapped it up and took it out in the backyard and buried it under a tree. When I did that, I had a strong feeling that I was carrying on a painful tradition of women over millions of years... "All My Relations" were there with me, so to speak. There is a full moon this Saturday so I think I will have a little ceremony then. I'm not usually into that sort of thing but it feels right to me.

08-04-2011 12:48 PM

I know this is an old thread but it's so important and meaningful for woman to talk about this! Thank you for sharing your stories.

My miscarriage took place when I was about 12 weeks along. I was just getting to that "whew! Made it!" feeling when...spotting. I knew immediately it was the end of the pregnancy though my midwife told me not to anticipate the worst. I just knew in my heart, you know?

I had a severe hemorrhage and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where my blood pressure hovered between 50-60 for several hours while the staff administered pitocin and tried to manually clean out my uterus. After they realized it wasn't working and I continued to lose blood and kept losing consciousness, they transferred me to the ICU where I received 2 blood transfusions and an emergency D&C. Thankfully, it worked.

I wrote more about my experience at my blog and a little more about healing too.

The upside is - it is not common to hemorrhage in a miscarriage (according to my doc and midwife) but it can go badly very quickly without intervention. If you soak through more than one or two large pads in an hour, get help.

I didn't see my baby. All that I could distinguish was lots of tissue and blood. I am not sure if it would have made it easier or harder to say goodbye. Though I miss my baby and dread starting over, I have to say I am mainly grateful to be alive.

07-16-2011 10:10 PM


I miscarried a couple days ago, I was 9 weeks pregnant.  My due date was around Valentines Day.  This was my second pregnancy.  I have a 6 year old daughter.  

I had my first ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days.  I had a tablespoon of bright red blood during my first examination.  I had lots of cramps that weren't painful, just felt like tugging.  The midwife ordered an ultrasound right after seeing the blood.  I saw the baby.  There was a heartbeat and the little bean was wiggling around.  It was cute.  My pregnancy was going really well.  I had symptoms but it was so much mellower than my first pregnancy.  With my daughter I was so sick, I threw up for 6.5 months and lost almost 20 lbs.  This pregnancy I was super tired at night, I had to pee constantly, everything smelled gross but it was nothing to how awful I felt with my first pregnancy.  With my first pregnancy I never thought miscarriage would happen. It just didn't occur to me to worry about it, especially because I was so sick.  This time, though, I knew it could happen.  I am older now and I have had tons of friends who have miscarried.  I was careful to only tell people if it came up in conversation but then after seeing the heartbeat, I was told that there is a slimmer chance of miscarriage so I told a couple more friends.

This past Tuesday morning while in the shower, I had a string of blood come out of me.  I screamed, washed it off and forgot about it.  On Wednesday morning while in the shower, there was much more blood.  It was brown and red.  I woke my husband up and called the prenatal center.  I went right in to the prenatal center and had an examination with a doctor.  She said my uterus was enlarged which was a positive sign.  I had just started showing, barely.  My pants were tight and there was a firm roundness at the bottom of my belly.  There was some brown blood during the examination.  I immediately had an ultrasound.  It was so awful.  My husband and my good friend, who is a nurse at the prenatal center, were there.  The ultrasound tech didn't say anything.  I couldn't see the screen but my husband and friend could.  I said, "You'll tell me if you see a heartbeat, right?" and the tech didn't answer.  I said something again and the tech turned to my friend and asked if she worked at the prenatal center.  She said yes and the tech pointed out the head and the chest to my friend while not showing me the screen.  It was one of the worse moments of my life, like the phone call that my dad had died.  Just awful.  The tech not saying anything was the confirmation that there wasn't a heartbeat.  My husband started crying.  I asked the tech if she was sure there wasn't a heartbeat and she said that since I already had an ultrasound and knew what it looked like that she would show me.  So she turned the screen towards me and pointed out the still body and the chest with no heartbeat.  The baby was much bigger than the first ultrasound.  Oh, it was the worst.  So heartbreaking.  I've wanted to be a mother since I was two and realized that I wasn't my mom but my own separate person.  I remember that moment, toddling around with my homemade rag doll and wanting a real baby of my own.  I am so grateful to have my daughter.  I can't imagine the pain of going through this and not having another child.  My heart goes out to the women who read this and have that experience.  

After the ultrasound I met with the doctor and we talked about my options.  I knew that I did not want a natural miscarriage.  I wanted to be knocked out and have a D & C.  This goes drastically against my usual nature and if you knew me, you would be surprised by this choice.  I am a very natural person but I couldn't handle any more pain in life.  I've never been able to disconnect from pain, I feel everything and it those feelings don't go away.  I can still feel all the pain and all the joy I've ever felt. This was too much.  My good friend, who is a nurse at the prenatal center, suggested this older man doctor.  We walked to his office.  He did another examination and I started bleeding and cramping.  It was so sad.  This doctor explained how the D & C would happen and what I could expect.  He said I would be pretty out of it after wards but that the next day I would be at about 80% of my usual self.

After that, my husband left to get our daughter.  He spent the day with her at home.  He asked me if it was OK if he told our daughter that I wasn't pregnant anymore.  We talked for a little while about how to explain this to a 6 year old.  We decided to be brief and honest.  

My good friend had to back to work for a little while.  I walked to the hospital and registered for the surgery.  I was crying the whole time.  These really sweet women found a secluded cubby where I could fill out the paperwork.  My mom showed up while I was registering.  Someone brought us to the surgery center and we were put in a curtained off area.  At this point it was about noon.  A nurse brought me a Xanax and I slept for awhile.  I had to wait until 4pm to have the D & C.  My mom and I just hung out in our little curtained room for several hours.  Nurses would come in and check on me.  I was hooked up to an IV with fluid and antibiotics.  I was given some nasty tasting medicine to help digest the little breakfast that I had eaten.  I was bleeding more and more and having terrible cramps.  The Xanax was really important, took the edge off of everything.  One of the nurses had lost a baby at 12 weeks and had a D & C.  She was very kind, all the nurses were so sweet to me.  I cried the whole time.  When it was time for the D & C, a man nurse gave me one of those stupid blue shower caps to wear.  The anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself.  The man nurse and the anesthesiologist wheeled me into the surgery center.  My old man doctor was in there.  I live in a rural area and the surgery room was straight out of some other era.  My sweet old man doctor talked to me for a little while, I can't remember what about.  I was still crying.  The male nurse held my hand while the anesthesiologist put a mask on my face and told me to breathe.  I remember tears running down the side of the mask and the male nurse holding my hand.  Next thing I remember, I was waking up back in the little curtained room and my mom was there.  Even though the D & C didn't take long, maybe 15-20 minutes, I was knocked out for an hour.  My mom and I stayed at the hospital for an hour and a half.  I was bleeding a little after the D & C.  I was given a prescription for  Cytotec, a medicine that makes the uterus contract.  I took the Cytotec for one day.  I had light bleeding for two more days.  But that was the end of the miscarriage.  

Having a D & C was the right choice for me.  I didn't want to miscarry at home.  I didn't want my daughter to see any of that.  I didn't want to do a bunch of bloody laundry.  I just wanted to be taken care of and I was.  I was treated like a queen.  I didn't feel much physical pain and there wasn't much blood.  The emotional pain was bad enough.   This miscarriage has been awful.  Not just for me, but for my husband, my daughter, my sisters, my mom and my in laws.  My husband is an only child.  I'm the only one of my siblings who can have a child.  I pray that someday my little sister will be healthy enough to conceive.  We all want another child in our family.  So badly.  I can't imagine the future.  Right now I can only grieve this loss.  

07-15-2011 08:20 PM

KristaDJ - Thank you. I never felt as connected emotionally with this one, either - compared to with my daughter, where I felt connected even before I confirmed I was pregnant. Not seeing a baby's heart beating on an u/s or hearing it through the fetoscope makes it a little less-real, too. Easier.


I've read about your losses. I'm so sorry.

07-12-2011 11:14 AM

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) Thank you for sharing your story. Women experience all sorts of emotions after a loss. Some women feel like they never stop grieving and some feel like they aren't sad enough. It doesn't make you a terrible person. I have experienced different levels of grief with all of my losses and to be honest, my first one did not bother me emotionally. It was a blighted ovum so I never felt or saw a baby and I just did not connect to the pregnancy. I would not expect crippling grief to come but I would not be surprised by it either, we all react differently <3 I'm so sorry for your loss

07-11-2011 11:05 PM

My Pregnancy Loss


**very detailed, very graphic, very long.

This pregnancy was unexpected, but not unwanted. My husband had reservations, but those were easing by my 6th week. I  had an EDD of February 26, 2012. I was looking forward to a possible Leap Day baby. I was waiting for my first midwife appointment, scheduled for July 21st.
I didn’t have many symptoms with this pregnancy, just exhaustion, hunger, thirst, and sore nipples when my DD nursed. The (almost) lack of symptoms didn’t really worry me, because my 1st pregnancy was similar. I lucked out in the morning-sickness area.
Looking back, the few symptoms I did have this time around abated at some point in the beginning of my 6th week. I didn’t really notice at the time.
On Wednesday, July 6, I had strange perineum pain, like a shooting pain that intensified when I changed positions or got up from a seated position. It reminded me of my labour with my first child and I was worried. I also had cramps first thing in the morning, which I attributed to the very loose stools I experienced shortly afterward. The perineum pain had disappeared by Thursday morning.
Thursday evening, I was surfing for baby carriers and thru Kijiji (like Craigslist in the US) had found a woman nearby who makes them. She was selling wraps for $15 each (which is a GREAT price) and sent her off an email. I had to pee, so I got up to go into the bathroom….and saw bright pink blood on the toilet paper, and a dime-sized spot of red on my underwear. I was SHOCKED. 
I had zero bleeding with my first pregnancy, so I was immediately very scared. But it was late, close to midnight, and I didn’t want to “bother” my midwife at that point. So I tried to relax, and went to bed.
The next morning, the TP was free of blood the first time I peed, so I relaxed. But an hour later when I went in again, there it was – and stronger than before. I paged the on-call midwife. She told me it could be anything, and since I didn’t have cramps (I mentioned the perineum pain and cramps from Wednesday but she didn’t seem concerned) she wasn’t able to offer a definitive answer. She said I could go to an Urgent Care Clinic, make an appointment for the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit (EPAU) for the following week, or wait and see what happens. I said I’d wait and see.
I bled all day. Like a light- to medium-flow period. It’s hard to judge exactly how much blood I lost, because I use cloth pads with dark surface fabric, but there was a large amount each time I wiped, and drops fell into the toilet as I would pee. I was getting more and more worried, and I found the “Exactly what to expect with a m/c” thread on MDC. I started reading and was very sad and cried off and on all day Friday. 
Friday night, I decided I wanted to know if the pregnancy was viable, if the baby was dead…I wanted to KNOW. So I decided to go to the Emergency Room. At that point, the Urgent Care Clinic (which would have been more appropriate and I would have gotten better service) was closed. I had to wait until after my husband came home from work to stay with our daughter. I ate dinner first, because I knew I’d be there for a while. My husband and daughter (and dog) dropped me off at the ER and my friend would bring me home. They drove off. My daughter had asked all the way there why I was going, when I was going to be home, and if they were going to cut me up. I have no idea where she got that. She’s three and very intuitive. I understand now she was very upset at leaving me there.
I walked in between 1900 and 1930 hrs, and my heart sank to see that every seat was filled. It’s a big hospital, in a large city (350 thou plus) and the wait board said “6 hour wait for non-urgent cases.” I waited until 2000 hrs triaged, got registered, and the triage nurse drew 3 vials of blood. I went out to the waiting room and my friend showed up about half an hour later. Around 2100 hrs, another friend of mine (a doula) showed up and offered me a shot of whiskey to help relax me and hopefully stop the (undetectable to me) contractions that were making me bleed. She said one shot wouldn’t hurt a viable baby, and if some other reason/irritation was causing the bleeding, it might save the pregnancy. I figured, at that point, that I would try anything, and it wasn’t going to hurt. I went back into the ER to wait.
At midnight, I decided to go home. At 2200 hrs, they had changed the sign to read “8-hr wait,” I had been there for 5 hours, and figured a good night’s sleep would be better for me than waiting even longer just to hear my beta hcg level. They had already said they wouldn’t do an ultrasound because there wasn’t a tech on duty. So I had basically wasted my entire night. My friend drove me home.
I ended up falling asleep around 0200 hrs. 
Saturday, July 9, the bleeding was even heavier. More like a medium period. I called the on-call midwife around noon and was on the phone with her when my husband got home from work (he works half days on Saturdays and Mondays). She didn’t seem optimistic, given the rate of flow. I had also seen some small clots, similar in size to those I saw during a regular period – about ½ cm across and smaller. She told me how much blood is “too much” (soaking a pad front to back and side to side within 20 minutes, 2 in a row) and said to expect a heavy period with cramps/labour pains. I wasn’t overly worried, just hoped it would be over soon.
My husband had been invited to a friend’s campground for Kids Day – he was asked to do an RC helicopter demo for the kids. There would be swimming, kite building/flying, and a BBQ. We had all planned on going, but I couldn’t bear to be out somewhere and end up having to deliver my baby in some latrine, so I asked him to take her and go. The dog and I stayed home. 
I slept from about 1500 hrs to 1800 hrs. I got up and re-heated previous night’s dinner (Indian – yum) and took it outside to eat and read the “Exactly what to expect” thread. I was feeling mild cramps at that point. I think I had felt some previously, but nothing severe. Ones that are indistinguishable from poop cramps, if you know what I mean. (I had been suffering from intermittent constipation, so that’s nothing new). 
I knew at that point that I should expect to lose the baby for sure. Before I got cramps, I could pretend it was possibly something else happening, but once I felt cramps, I knew.
 My neighbour came out (she’s awesome) and I talked to her for a bit. My husband and daughter got home around 2000 hrs and my husband carried my DD inside (she was sleeping) and up to bed. I gathered my stuff and followed them in.
I had to go to the grocery store, so I left. I could feel some heavier bleeding when I stood up from the car, but nothing terrible. I was a little afraid that I’d suddenly have a big bleed, like some women described, so I hurried. I went to the beer store, too – I had originally planned to get wine (there’s a wine store right in the grocery store) but I arrived too late (2110 hrs) and it had closed. So I had to drive about 4 km to the closest beer store that would still be open. Basically, the idea was that, if I was going to miscarry, I wanted to be able to numb myself. But I wouldn’t drink it until/unless I had an actual event that caused me to believe I had lost the baby for good. When I stood up out of the car, I felt a small gush of blood, and thought, “Please God, not here,” and went inside. Of course there was a long line. I made it through and drove home.
I got home close to 2200 hrs and put away the groceries, then sat on the couch for a minute with my daughter, who had woken up while I was gone. She wanted to nurse. I felt like I had to pee, so I went into the bathroom. While in there, I felt the need to push and out plopped a big clot. I called my husband to get a pyrex bowl, a colander, and a slotted spoon.  I scooped the clot out of the toilet and looked at it – but it was just a clot. I flushed it.
Shortly after that (just before 2230 hrs), I felt stronger cramps – but nothing painful. More like period cramps. I knew it was my body trying to get something out, so I went into the bathroom. I had read of a woman using a menstrual pad to catch what came out when she pushed, so I used toilet paper. I put it against me and pushed just a little – there was no pain - and out came a piece of tissue about two inches by three inches. It was irregular shaped and coloured like liver. It was smooth on one side and grainy on the other. It was thicker in spots, especially against one edge. It was fairly thin – only a couple millimeters. It was the placenta. There were some egg-whiteish areas that I think were the sac. I didn’t see a baby. At that point, I would have been 6w7d.
I was very calm. I put the placenta into the pyrex bowl and called in my husband. We both looked at it. I should say here that I never experienced the “rush” of blood following delivery of clots or placenta like some women. I think that it’s because I had bled so heavily for the 2 days previous that there just wasn’t as much to come out.
My daughter saw it too, but I didn’t want her to be scared. We didn’t really tell her much. I had said over the previous two days that “Mama and the baby are sick” so she would let me rest, but nothing aside from that.
I didn’t shed any tears. Not then.
I called my doula friend and she said to keep the placenta in case the midwife wanted to see it.
I paged the midwife again (same one I had talked to earlier that day) and told her what had happened. I was very matter-of-fact and unemotional. I think she was surprised at my lack of emotion, but she was very professional. She said she didn’t need to see the placenta, and suggested I do a follow-up with the EPAU and said she’d get a referral going for me. They’d check for remaining tissue, confirm there wasn’t a viable pregnancy still in there, and take blood to make sure my hcg was dropping from Friday.
I went out into the kitchen and got a beer. I carried it into the living room, and DD said,
“There’s no baby in your belly anymore?” I was stunned. How did she know? But then I remembered that I had told her that I couldn’t drink beer because I had a baby in my belly. That was 2 months earlier, almost – and here I was, holding a beer. She had made the connection. Amazing. Like I said, she’s my intuitive girl.
I got a little drunk – I drank every single one of those 6 beers and read more loss stories on the MDC forum. Then I realized I was hungry and cooked two sausages. Just after they were done cooking, my husband stumbled out to go to the bathroom and I had a bit of a crying spell in his arms, then I was fine. He went back to bed.
About an hour or so later, I went to bed. As I lay there, it hit me – my baby was gone, dammit! My sobs and wails woke up my husband, but not our daughter (who co-sleeps). I crawled around the bed and wrapped myself in his arms, and just sobbed. I got too hot and went back to my side of the bed (DD sleeps in the middle because I get too hot when I’m sandwiched). I continued to sob and wail for quite a while. I don’t know how long. Finally I stopped and went to sleep. 
I’ve not cried since.
Sunday I bled just as heavily (a medium flow) with occasional small clots. Nothing baby-like, so either it already came out in a clot, was inside the placenta, was decomposed enough that it was indistinguishable, or there never was one in the first place (blighted ovum). We’ll never know.
I called the midwives around 1000 hrs this morning (Monday) since they hadn’t called me with the referral info and the admin gave me the # for the unit. I called and made the appointment for Wed afternoon. The admin told me my hcg levels from Friday night – 687. Way too low for being 6w6d. So it had ended at some point before Friday.
We had a chiropractor appointment today. We go every two weeks, and talking to my chiro’s wife really helped (she works as business manager). She’s very practical, like me, and says I don’t really need to go to the follow-up appointment, since they’d just prescribe Misoprostal if there happens to be any remaining tissue. I have no intentions of taking it, so why bother?? I might go, I’m worried about a possible haemorrhage caused by retained clots (happened after my daughter’s birth) preventing the uterus from shrinking back down to normal size. I might see about an herbal treatment to help, if I decide not to attend the ultrasound appointment.
I continue bleeding like a medium-flow period, with occasional large-ish (cherry sized) clots plopping out into the toilet. 
The thing that shocks me the most, aside from the complete lack of physical pain, is the almost complete lack of emotional pain. I don’t know if I’m numb, in denial, or what. Is this one of the early stages of grief? Will I be paralyzed with grief in a couple days? I don’t know. All I know is, I don’t feel what I expected to feel. Does that make me a terrible person? 
I’m sad that I’ll never know if the little one was a boy or girl (I feel it was a boy, but people have been wrong before). I’m sad that I’ll never meet him or her, and all of the potential that has been lost – an entire lifetime of memories. 
But I’m ok.
06-29-2011 05:33 PM

i've always been really in touch with my body, yoga and tai chi and meditation and all that,  but for some reason my body is clueless as to when it becomes pregnant. i spot lightly each month like a normal period and i don't feel any different until around 8 or 9 weeks! i didn't know i was pregnant for the first time with my ex-husband until i started throwing up so hard i couldn't control my bladder. we thought i had a really horrible flu, i got super dehydrated and went to the ER.  they did a urine test but it was negative, finally a savvy nurse thought to do a HCG quantitative and surprise! i was 10-11weeks pregnant. so happy!


1st natural miscarriage

that pregnancy was my first "natural miscarriage after 12 weeks." it started at 13 weeks. we'd moved up our wedding date from May 1st to Valentine's Day. i started spotting brown and red before the wedding, then the cramps/contractions started. i was starting to miscarry during my own wedding ceremony, it was so damn hard to keep it together emotionally! it turned out it was a blighted ovum. i have good luck finding good medical professionals *knock wood!* because no one said "at least it wasn't a baby," etc. the ultrasound tech was kind and explained and pointed out everything to both of us. i hadn't heard the term "natural miscarriage" until i read it here, i didn't even know it was an option! i told my OB i wanted to try it natural, no D&C and luckily she was all for it. she gave me a list to take home of "signs" to watch out for if things go wrong. i drank a LOT, i was so thirsty constantly, and cramps started getting worse, and i had severe back pain.


the cramps were much heavier than i'd ever felt, and there was sort of a rhythm to them, and i felt like i was on a roller coaster with big hills and i couldn't get off the ride. (looking back after the birth of my daughter, i know now i was having "surges" or contractions.) i started off bleeding pale red and brown, then i was bleeding bright red with small clots and stringy stuff. it didn't seem too heavy. it was more that the bleeding would almost stop when i was lying down and when i stood up it'd gush like crazy. i felt totally gross lying or sitting with wet pads, so i skipped them and sat and rocked on the toilet for a long time, i'd meditate, pray or read. i passed a few really large pieces (that part felt really weird, slippery but not painful) it looked like nothing i'd ever seen before. i didn't know how many pads i would have gone through per hour but it felt way more natural on the toilet, and also i took long, hot showers. i remember freaking out, what if the u/s was wrong, what if there is a baby? what will it feel like when it passes? do i want to see it? in the shower i sang that song that goes, "spirit of the rain, wash away the pain" to stay calm.


the entire miscarriage took about 3 weeks (wish i still had the journal from then). it was really only "active" feeling in the evening and night. that's when it got very painful, much heavier flow, more clots. i'd get a few deep breaths in and i'd cramp up again so tightly. one night i felt a sharp pain, i'm sure it was just my imagination but it felt like a "ripping" pain inside me. my temp. had gone up to 102, so i went to the ER. they put me in a labor room, the kind they reserve for both births and losses. i swear i could feel the "baby energy" in that room as well as the "loss" feelings. i asked for pain meds, got some, then i sat up and colored mandalas to keep my mind off of that room. when i felt the ripping feeling again, i let them know. a nurse used a hemostat to pull some tissue, she said it was stuck in my cervix, she was really nice, coaching me to breathe and push, my ex was holding me and stroking my hair. i got cleaned up and they laid the bed flat, then left us totally alone to cry for a while. i had light bleeding for about 2 weeks after that, but no more painful cramping and my temp stayed normal. looking back, i think i would have been much more freaked out if i'd known that a baby was going to pass out of me.


the next year i got pregnant with my daughter, i didn't know until 11 weeks (geez, body, get a clue!) and i felt scared until about 18 weeks, but did everything i could to stay relaxed. everything went fine, i had a natural labor but needed to go to the hospital for an emergency-C because my daughter was "yo-yo-ing" on a short cord wrapped twice around her neck. it's sad that i didn't get the birth i hoped for, but it was good i had 2 doulas present and MDC mamas online who understood even though i had a beautiful, healthy baby i still needed to grieve the loss of a natural birth. when i breathed and rocked through the surges, i realized how much that miscarriage felt like a smaller, less intense labor.


2nd natural miscarriage

this time is my second natural miscarriage after 12 weeks. at least i knew the date of conception exactly. i waited to tell anyone until a few days before 12 weeks (now of course i wish i hadn't told anyone), since i'm 44 and my circumstances are just wrong for having a baby - i conceived this child just 6 days before my ex-boyfriend left me and my daughter via email (yeah, he's an asshole). i didn't know i was pregnant until i was at 9 weeks, i'd had pneumonia for 2 weeks and then i thought it was the flu going around, but my daughter just knew. (she also knew when i started to miscarry, before i did!)


a few days before 12 weeks i felt safe to break the news, i'd felt bad for not enjoying this pregnancy out loud. joined a DDC, got super happy. but i kept stressing to those closest to me that this is a "maybe baby" because i'm just plain OLD and i have disabling health issues. my daughter really seemed to understand the concept that sometimes women have "maybe babies" and "angel babies" and it's all natural. i felt, and still feel, guilty as hell for not being in touch with this baby like i was with my daughter, though! because i saw a baby on the u/s, it measured small (10 weeks), was hard to see if it was moving and they couldn't find the heartbeat, but i've got belly fat so they said that's not unusual. i was going to have another u/s at 18 weeks unless anything came up. i was thrilled to be at a hospital that has more midwives than OBs, and offered birthing tubs!


the pregnancy hormones that made me feel awful also put my fibromyalgia pain and stiffness into remission, around 8-9 weeks, just like my last pregnancy. i got out my daughter's baby book and pictures and all that, finally worked on a scrapbook for her, it's been so awesome to share the memories with her now that she's old enough to understand! being pregnant really brought those days back into sharp focus. my girl loves hearing all about her babyhood. i was just totally blissed out on the happy hormones. since life has been hectic since my ex dumped me, i'd been doing everything "one day at a time," and then even "one hour at a time" if i started to feel anxious. i honestly couldn't see the future with this pregnancy, not at all, i tried so hard. it felt weird that i couldn't "connect" with this baby like i did with my daughter - she and i were deeply connected at 11.5 weeks - but i did get a very strong intuition of "boy" this time around. (my daughter's name would have been Phoenix were she a boy, so i named the baby Phoenix).


i started miscarrying at 12 weeks 2 days. i just knew was a m/c it this time, even though i'd been spotting light pink which wasn't unusual for me up until 18 weeks. it felt horrible to meet my midwife once, get the u/s, then just 2 days later call her for miscarriage advice. because i started spotting brown, then red with stringy brownish stuff. she said that since the baby had measured small compared to my conception date, it was likely that it passed even before the u/s. i told her i'd had a natural miscarriage before my daughter was born and wished to do that again, we went over all the signs and symptoms of when/if i need to come in, she has been so supportive of me doing this natural at home. she cautioned me that if the baby died a few weeks ago, i could expect "pieces" rather than a little body, i'm glad she told me so i could make decisions for my emotional health. i told one of my friends i was choosing natural and he didn't even realize there was any other way, bless him, so he's been one of my supports during this.


this has been much, much, much harder than my previous miscarriage. i am so tired of the word "miscarriage" let alone "spontaneous abortion." too clinical and cold. this has been simply "the end of my pregnancy." i have been giving birth, it's just a very early birth where the baby can't survive outside me, but Phoenix has been with me long enough to already be a huge influence on me and my daughter. i believe everything happens for a reason. without surgery, my hormones are ramping down slowly and naturally, even now i'm still enjoying some fibromyalgia pain remission and some pregnancy bliss. i've also been trying to count my blessings, one is that i got to experience a vaginal birth with this baby, but it took 2 days for that to sink in emotionally.


(edited to add:) right now i just feel so lucky that my body works normally, and that i've learned to trust my own body and instincts. i hope to pass that attitude on to my's hard sometimes not to feel judgmental when i see women running to doctors and electing to have surgical procedures for things that are totally natural (unless they're need emergency care) but i have to respect every woman's choices. i remember with my daughter's birth, we were at a teaching hospital and they asked if interns and nursing students could come in and observe and ask questions, my nurse explained "none of them have ever seen a natural birth" and i was like, "wha..?! yeah, let 'em in!" (though i would have kicked them out when i went into transition for real, that's just too intimate a time) why is our reproductive health so veiled in mystery?


positive things being said ... this has been awful to go through alone. i mean AWFUL. :( i feel so guilty for feeling "relieved" i'm not having a baby at my age, with my health, and with the ex as the father :(


i couldn't do what i did with my first natural miscarriage, i couldn't live in the bathroom or get noisy. i hid as much of the messy/loud physical stuff as i can from my daughter. she's old enough to know what a moon-time is, what a pad is, why i bleed monthly and how she will too someday. she's not hung up about it at all. since the miscarriage started, she cried really hard with me one night, yelled "it's not fair! i want a baby brother!" and cried herself to sleep in my arms, next morning she's going around talking to her "angel-baby Phoenix." my intuition told me not to disrupt her view of the experience.


during the extreme bleeding, clots and pieces, i bit into a towel and tried not to yell loudly and to keep my voice toned down low, growling. (it helps me to not tighten up with the pain, i get high-pitched and the pain gets bad.) i used my doula's techniques, like saying "ragdoll" every time i've tensed up, and going limp all over. i stayed in bed, kept moving pillows and myself around, did yoga like cat/dog and just rocked back and forth a lot with low moaning. pads still felt horrible up against me, i felt a huge need to bleed freely. but my daughter needed the bathroom a few times, i didn't want her to see that much blood and clots and be scared. i found a big old beach towel i keep for hair-coloring to kneel over. luckily this labor followed the same pattern as last time, slowing down when i lay down, and the heaviest stuff being at night, except for a few strong surges during the day with gushes of blood.


i was absolutely terrified to pass the baby in an in-tact sac, i don't know why though. i didn't know if i'd freak out and scream with grief, what if my daughter needs the bathroom at that moment, will i have the courage to fish through the blood (never thought of putting a colander in the toilet), a zillion worries zipping through my head and i noticed the pain was getting worse and worse, literally said "STOP!" to myself and got back to the business of birthing this baby. i flushed whenever the toilet seemed full of blood and just kept focused on not waking my daughter.


i'm 99% sure last night was the active labor and birth, because i felt waves of relief washing over me after passing a lot of small clots and then the last of three large pieces. (can't call it a "clot" but don't want to say "possible body part") after that, i got weirdly giggly and an endorphin rush. very lucky my girl didn't need to use the bathroom during those hours! i felt this big urge to push, bear down hard, i could feel the contractions helping but a "stuck" feeling also right before a big clot would pass. with each clot passing i felt that weird slippery feeling as with my last miscarriage, except 10 times more intense, i can't really describe it. perhaps it's just part of how vaginal birth feels? i started looking at everything at one point, it was mostly liver-ish-looking with some red, brown and some pale purple-ish tissue, but i chose not to look so closely as to see a hand or foot since i realized this birth was broken up and not whole. then i gave up looking. it was hard to accept, but my body chose this way to birth this baby so i have to believe there's a reason for it. a friend came over and kept me company for about 4 hours, rubbed my back and pressed on it when i asked. after the 3rd large piece, i had a steady bright red flow and my back stopped hurting, but my hip joints felt sore, i laid down and my flow stayed heavy but it didn't feel like it was soaking through a whole pad quickly. my friend said i zonked out asleep in mid-sentence! i actually slept 6 full hours (extremely rare for me, aches and pains keep me up) and woke up refreshed! but with a pad overflowing, bleah. even now i still have some adrenaline and endorphins running, i felt like pacing and cleaning a lot today, took 2 short walks.


today i have a medium red flow with the brownish stringy stuff, no real clots, but with no cramps. i felt a wave of sadness, those waves of pain meant i was still pregnant. same flow tonight, no cramps. my breasts are still huge and tender, they bothered me a LOT today, reminded me of breastfeeding my daughter, and i keep crying. now i wish the entire baby had been born at once, i read other women's stories about how perfect and tiny they are and it seems it'd be easier to bury, grieve, mourn and move on. then again who knows? i didn't save anything, i just kept feeling i need to concentrate on my daughter and how she's not so upset about the miscarriage, but she might be if she caught me all bloody or if i went to bury something - my gut told me that would not be a healing thing for her. gotta follow my gut with my amazing girl. i checked in with my midwife today and we agreed all seems well, my temp was at 100 last night but normal again this morning. she said put my feet up, keep hydrated, rest, keep taking my iron supplements. i can't be 100% sure it's all over, i mean there could be small parts of tissue inside, but i feel like it's over. maybe all that pushing helped? i guess i'll bleed like a period for a week or two, like last time.


i feel blessed i got to experience a vaginal birth no matter how much it sucks to be empty with no baby in my arms. i feel guilty i didn't want to view the baby. i feel stifled that i had to keep so quiet and keep going back and forth from bed to bathroom. i feel empty but somehow okay inside. i feel totally sad and wish i could have a primal scream of upset-ness. i feel blessed at re-connecting with my daughter's pregnancy and birth and being able to share it with her, we both needed that beauty. i refuse to feel like i did anything wrong or strange or weird by choosing to do this at home.


(edited to add:) at this point, my flow is identical to the lochia i experienced after the birth of my daughter. i feel far more fatigue and aches and pains than before, so i know the beneficial hormones are leaving. crap. i'm still having the baby dreams. i'll go in for one hcg quantitative, probably a week from Monday, unless my temp. goes back up or i have some other unpredictable sign of infection. i am just SO damn happy to avoid clinical instruments, cold lights and putting my feet up in stirrups!

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