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  Topic Review (Newest First)
04-03-2009 01:50 AM
NullSet Well, I guess I am finally feeling ready to post my Encouraging Story. Ds is 8 months so I'd better get on it! Sorry it is short, I'm not one to be verbose.

First pregnancy- Dd1 born in Sept 04
Second pregnancy- Miscarriage at 11/12 weeks Mothers Day 06
Third pregnancy- Dd2 stillborn, 40 weeks 5 days June 07
Fourth pregnancy- Ds born 7/08 healthy and BREATHING!

I was terrified through my entire last pregnancy, but I did it. I survived, my ds is wonderful and I do not regret the decision to try again.

08-05-2008 08:22 PM
Miguelsmomma Okay. Talia is four weeks old today and I am finally sitting down to write her birth story.

A little background~~DH and I have been trying to have a baby for five years. After a year and a half of ttc we got pregnant only to lose it at six weeks. My mom died of cancer 10 months after m/c. I was diagnosed with endometriosis a couple of months later. After two more years I got pregnant with our son Miguel who was stillborn at 19 weeks. Four months later I got pregnant only to lose it at five weeks. A year and a half later I finally got pregnant with Talia.

One long pregnancy~~After losing three babies I was naturally scared and "certain" most of the time that I was going to lose this one also, but week after week she kept chugging along with me. On one of the first ultrasounds I had a subchorionic bleed, then I had a bladder infection. I had morning (all day) sickness that lasted from 8 weeks to about 17 weeks. At 19weeks I was diagnosed with placenta previa and was told I would have to have a c-section. At 23 weeks I got two kidney stones that led to a kidney infection and spent four days in the hospital. At 29 weeks I was diagnosed with not only placenta previa but placenta accreta and most likely placenta increta. My placenta had not only grown through my uterine wall but into my bladder. I was also diagnosed with gestational diabetes, anemia and another bladder infection. It was a fun pregnancy. My care was transfered to the University of New Mexico Hospital, which could better handle my situation and was told I would have a team of doctors in there with me but was told that they would leave the placenta in after delivery and give me Methotrexate to pull the placenta off the bladder and then after about four to six weeks they would go in and give me a hysterectomy because there was no way to pull the placenta from the uterus.

My Angel~~Monday, July 7, I am talking to my friend who is a doula and works labor and delivery at the hospital I was originally going to deliver at. I am 35 weeks. I tell her that I haven't felt the baby move like she usually does. She calls my old m/w who tells her I have to go in for monitoring and to pack a bag because they probably would not let me go after that. My husband works early the next day so my friend takes me to the hospital. We get there and I am hooked up to the monitors. Baby is doing great. I am having regular contractions. I tell them I have been having them for a few weeks. They tell me they have to stop them, that I can't go into labor. It is late at night, so they will start the next day. My friend leaves. The next day they take me into a L&D room to give me magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions. A few different doctors come in to talk to me about the "plan" for my delivery and that I will be scheduled for the c-section the next day and that they are getting my "team" all together. I am all alone except for the nurse. My husband has to work. My father is having heart problems and is just getting released from the hospital that day. My sister has to pick him up from the hospital and take him home. My brother and his family are at Disneyland.

My husband takes off early from work to go be with me. My nurse has started the magnesium and has to give me a catheter because you can't get up while on the magnesium. At about 2:30 my husband comes into my room followed by my nurse. I have to throw up. She hands me a bucket and I throw up twice. The second time I feel gushing liquid between my legs, gushing and gushing. For some reason, I don't know why, I think my catheter has come out and is backing up on me. I tell my nurse. She lifts my blanket and tells me that my catheter is still in place but that I am bleeding and she calls for the doctor. A doctor comes in followed by a few nurses. He too lifts my blanket and looks at the blood that is still just gushing from me and tells me that I am scheduled for the next day but they are going to have to do it immediately. He tells me it's okay, that the "plan" for me is all in place, we are just going to have to do it one day early, that the "team" is ready for me. I start crying. I am scared. I look at my husband. He is crying. He is scared. My husband helps pick me up and put me on the gurney. He gets covered in blood. The next thing I know they are running me down the hallway. They are running me so fast I hear someone panting. My eyes are closed. I am passing out. Someone is yelling at me to open my eyes. I am thinking, "They are open, aren't they?" "Open your eyes. Keep your eyes open." "I'm trying" is all I'm thinking. My husband is running down the hallway with us, holding my hand and talking to me the whole way. "Stay with me, Liz. Stay with me. Open your eyes." I'm so glad he is there. We get to the doors of the operating room. They tell him he can't go in and pull our hands apart and hold him back at the doors as they keep wheeling me. I lift my head to look up and back at him. I see him look helpless and terrified as they wheel me away and the doors shut. He tells me later that he tried to go in but they told him it was too much of an emergent situation and that he would have to wait out there. He tells me that he fell to his knees in the hallway and just cried and cried, still covered in my blood, but that one of the doctors stayed out there with him and she told him what was going to happen and gave him the different outcomes for us, including the one where they can't stop the bleeding and I die.

They wheel me into the operating room and there are people running around everywhere yelling at each other. One doctor looks between my legs and yells, "We need to get her going now. There's a blood clot here." Someone above my head says, "We need to get a central line," as he pushes my head to the left and starts looking at my neck. Then he's actually talking to me and says, "This is going to hurt." That makes me cry even harder. I hear another voice say, "Take deep breaths. Take deep breaths." I assume that was the anesthesiologist. I hadn't noticed that the big green mask that delivers the general anesthesia was next to my mouth. Someone reaches over and clamps it down over my mouth and nose. I do as he says and start taking big breaths as I start praying over and over for my little girl to be okay. That's all I want, is for her to be okay. I stare at the ceiling as everything goes dark.

That was Tuesday. The next day I am semi-coherent is on Thursday. By Friday I finally am aware of what is going on. My husband tells me that after they left him in the hallway, about 15 minutes later they brought our beautiful daughter out to him. She was 4 lbs. 8 oz. with lots of dark hair. Even though she was 35 weeks, she never needed oxygen and did really good right from the beginning. He followed her to the nursery with a promise that they would contact him when I was out of surgery. Five to six hours later, they told him that I was recovering in Trauma/Surgery Intensive Care. They did leave placenta in and went in through the groin area in my leg to try to stop the blood flow to the placenta but keep it going to my legs. They wouldn't let him stay there in the hospital, so he spent the next two days going back and forth between the unit I was on on the 4th floor and the unit she was on on the 3rd floor and going home real late at night and coming back real early in the morning. I have no memory of meeting my daugher the day after she was born.

My Placenta~~Like I said, the "plan" was to leave the placenta in, give me Methotrexate to pull it off of the bladder and then in four to six weeks, give me a hysterectomy. Friday I was still hooked up to my wonderful morphine drip. I could administer it every so often by pressing a magic little button that would take pain away. That day I was having a lot of pain, so that little button was getting a workout. My husband and aunt were in my room visiting. I got up to use the restroom and was having a lot of pain and all of a sudden I could feel what I thought was a big blood clot coming out. I called my husband and told him to call the nurse. She came in and looked and said, "I think that's your placenta." I was in the Special Care Unit and not regular postpartum, so some of these nurses were never in labor and delivery. My day nurse, who was a m/w for 20 years, came in and said, "Dear, you just delivered your placenta. Was somebody praying for a miracle?" And I said, "Everyone was." Because all of our friends and family, even people I didn't know were praying for us. All of the doctors were baffled. No one has ever heard of that happening. I am so thankful that I do not have to go back and have another surgery. How would I have managed? Who would have taken care of me and the baby? It was truly a miracle.

My Daddy~~My dad came to visit one of the days after she was born. This is his seventh grandchild, third granddaughter, and he was so excited to see her. He was still very weak after coming out of the hospital, so he was in a wheelchair, but he came to see me first, which I barely remember, and then he went to see her. My husband said that he just held her and held her and was so happy. I talked to him on Friday night to tell him about my placenta coming out and told him to come in on Saturday. I thought maybe they would release her and she might be in my room, so it would be easier to visit than having to go back and forth between the two floors. He said he would if my sister could pick him up and we got off the phone. That was the last time I ever talked to my daddy. He passed away the next day from his heart problems. Talia was four days old. It still seems unreal to me. I am a big daddy's girl and was very close to him, especially after my mom died. I always made it a point to call him and to go out with him at least once or twice a week. But I had been having a feeling for a long time that he would pass away either right before I had her or right after. I just didn't realize it would be in the same week. He was a wonderful father who taught us that your children and family are the most important thing in your life. I hope to pass that love onto my daughter. He was a disciplinarian but was always fair and loving. I miss him but I know I have been to busy for it to hit me fully that he is gone.

Of course, that is the really condensed version, but I had to share with you all. The women here at PAL really helped get me through this pregnancy. You always think that you are alone in these sometimes deep, dark thoughts, but I found a whole treasure chest full of women with the same fears and worries about a pregnancy after loss that I had. My daughter is so beautiful and wonderful and such a little miracle. If I had to do it all over again, I would in half a heartbeat.

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08-02-2008 03:49 PM
kohlby This is my 8th time pg and I've had 5 first trimester miscarriages. What kept me going was that I have children who made it. My pattern is: mc, mc, DS, mc, DD, mc, mc, currently 9 weeks pg. This is actually my 3rd time pg in 9 months and things are looking very positive. My DS was conceived just two weeks after a miscarriage, so there's more positive info! They're not sure why I miscarry so often. I have a couple possible reasons but nothing that's easy to treat.

If you look at the miscarriage stats, chances are that even a woman with several miscarriages is going to get a sticky baby. But stats mean little after so many times of being on the wrong side. But it still means there is a chance. I look at first trimester as the 12 week wait, like women with infertility look at ttc and the 2 week wait. Going through so many losses is hard. But I knew I had to keep to trying.

This last time is likely our last shot at trying because my husband had been diagnosed with testicular cancer. Four weeks after one testicle was removed he had low testosterone, which is normal for that but it means that the chance of me getting pg was low. We found out it was stage I on a Monday and chemo was set for that Friday. My DH didn't want to bank sperm becuase staying pg is so much trouble that he figured we were done if his fertility didn't return. (Chemo changes fertility 50% of the time). This baby was conceived right before he had chemo. This was also the first full cycle since my 5th miscarriage. So, this baby isn't just the hope of a sticky baby sticking after so many losses, but a story of hope since fertility was an issue for the first time as well.

*Update a couple months later: I'm now 20 weeks along! I did find out recently I had an additional clotting gene to the one I already knew of. So, I'm starting heparin injections today. (I'm already doing daily baby aspirin). I had a very detailed ultrasound a couple weeks ago due to a "positive" trisomy 18 screening, my positive being 1:31. All looked great on the ultrasound! I'm planning for a very healthy baby boy to be born in Feb!
07-15-2008 04:14 PM
shannjane I am very happy to be in this thread. My story is beginning to turn a leaf. I have had three miscarriages. The first happened at 9.5wks but was found at 12wks. The second was at 7wks and the third happened around 6.5wks. We went to a speacialist and was tested for everything under the sun. I was also tested for thyroid problems where they found an elevated level so I am now on meds. I am prego for the fourth time in 1year 3mon and have had 4us all have been great. We heard the heartbeat today (11wks) and are feeling great to have made it this far. I hope we are the success story to give people hope that even after multiple msc you can still be successful
07-09-2008 02:55 AM
jess_paez you know what helps me? I lost my dd at 22 weeks almost a month ago due to preterm labor. I constantly worry that I will never be able to carry a child and be able to take care of one. Not to mention that I feel like the pain from losing her will never go away, but what I do, is I try to imagine myself typing a encouraging message to the "me that I am now". I have a feeling that in due time I WILL have a baby to hold and keep. Try to imagine yourself a year from now or however long you'd like. Think of yourself being one of the success stories that you read. You know in your heart that there is a high chance of you having a baby.
05-29-2008 06:46 PM
skylarsmama I feel ok to share my story now. Hopefully it will help some of you in your journey of TTC.

I have 2 children. Hubby and I weren't going to have anymroe children but after going through a very bad spot in our marriage, we grew stronger and decided that we wanted to TTC. I got a positive pregnancy test in late May of 2007. We were beyond thrilled! Everything was going well as far as I could tell until June 29th, I started to spot. I didn't think anything of it since I had never experienced spotting but I've heard many stories of normal pregnancy spotting. The next day, it became heavier and we headed off to the midwife. To spare you all the long story, we ended up finding out that I had a blighted ovum. I finally started to m/c naturally on July 13th.
In late Sept./ early October, we started TTC again. Periods came and went and it seemed to get harder each month. My due date for the baby we had lost was Jan. 20th. On Jan. 19th I got a positive HPT. Although we were thrilled, it was mixed with many emotions since we were mourning the baby that we should have been welcoming.
I was a nervous wreck and my midwife scheduled me for an u/s for dating. My cycles had not become regular since my m/c and I had no idea when we could have concieved. At 6w6d, we found out there was a healthy beating heart. I was sick as a dog and spent a better portion of my first trimester either in bed or over the toilet. We had our first appt. with the midwife a few weeks later and again, heard a healthy heartbeat.
On March 27th, I started light brown spotting. My heart sank and I called my midwife in tears. She had me come right in and she was not able to find a heartbeat. I called my husband and asked him to come home from work because I wanted him to go to the ultrasound with me to confirm fetal demise.
It was at this u/s that we not only saw one healthy heartbeat, but TWO! We hadn't lost a baby and it spotting was some sort of freak thing that we never could figure out.
I am currently almost 23 weeks pregnant with twin boys. They're both developing well and perfectly healthy.
We planted an aloe plant and made a book of poems for the baby that we lost. We weren't sure if it was a boy or a girl but we named her Arella and keep the book on a shelf next to our aloe plant that has healed members of our family more than once. I know in my heart that our spirit baby came back to us.
A sucessful pregnancy after a loss can and does happen often. Try to have patience and remember that every pregnancy is new and different.
05-11-2008 04:21 PM
bluewatergirl I never thought much about pregnancy loss until it happened to us.
I had had two healthy, "normal" pregnancies resulting in 2 healthy
living children when I became pregnant for a third time. We found out
on the same day, at 9 weeks along, that I was carrying twins - but
that one had died probably a few days before. We were very, very sad
and named our little vanishing twin "Sam," as we never knew if it was
a girl or a boy. When our daughter was born, healthy and fullterm, the
doctor was able to show us her twin's calcified remains on the
membranes/placenta. The loss was hard to process, as at the very
same time we were also celebrating our growing girl.
Something a good friend once said has always stuck in my mind:
that the soul of our little lost one became part of our living daughter,
as she is "spirited enough for two!"
I never would have imagined that we'd have a second, devestating loss,
or that I would actually make it through what were very dark days
of numbness, pain and grief;
Nor could I have imagined the gut-wrenching fear of "trying again"
and carrying another pregnancy to term just on the faith that things
HAD to be all right this time.

My fourth pregnancy was fairly uneventful, and we all were looking
forward to welcoming J.T. to the family. We knew it was definately a
boy, and when I went into labor with him at 38 1/2 weeks we had
everything all ready for his arrival.
The nightmare began when we arrived at L&D and they couldn't find
his heartbeat on the fetal monitor. I had felt him moving as I had
contractions at home . . . but some time in the past hour, his little
heart had stopped beating. What we didn't know until he was born
was that his UC had become tightly wrapped 3X around his legs; the
contractions effectively cut off his oxygen supply.
I delivered him a few hours later, and he was so beautiful. Ironically,
it was physically the easiest labor and delivery I'd had. Emotionally,
mentally, I was never going to be the same person again.
It both tore me and my husband apart and brought us closer than
ever together.

I knew, even when I was still in the hospital that I couldn't NOT try
again. My DH felt the same way. My doctor asked that we wait 3 cycles
and then it was okay to TTC. I was very, very scared. I'm 38 and my
DH is significantly older. I feel that we were very, very lucky - or
blessed - or had divine intervention or a guardian angel watching over
us - as we conceived right away.
Being PAL was a long, tough, very scary road. Although everything
looked healthy and normal, this pregnancy was highly monitored
compared to any of my others. I invested in a doppler for home use,
and that really gave me peace of mind.

Our son Will was born screaming and healthy via a scheduled
c-section at 37 weeks . . . just a little less than 11 months after we
lost his big brother, J.T.

Love and best wishes to all who are going through or planning a
pregnancy after a loss. MDC has been a wonderful source of support
for me over the past 9 months.
Please feel free to message me if you have anything you want to ask.

Em
03-12-2008 07:01 PM
Kayda's Mom I haven't read this whole thread yet but thank goodness it is here because I need to hear those stories.

My MIL had 3 and went on to have 2 healthy children. Quite a few friends of mine m/c and went on to have healthy children. I was just speaking to my family lawyer about something and she told me she had one years ago and then had her daughter who is a teenager now. When I mentioned my age she went on to mention her sister who had 2 children in her 40's. There are success stories everywhere but they are hard to see through our eyes that are so full of sorrow. I didn't know about any of these m/c until I had mine.
I keep telling myself about these success stories and hope that I will be one of them later this year.
Lets be positive because the alternative isn't pleasant is it? We can be there for each other and hope and pray that one by one we'll graduate and be able to post our birth stories.
03-12-2008 03:16 PM
annieskry Although this is not directly from me, my mom actually had 5 miscarriages before she had my two sisters and i. Her earliest at 8 weeks and latest was at 14 weeks. She had them one after the other and then she found out she had systemic lupus and that she did not clot properly. She went on a medication and they watched her carefully and she went on to have three healthy babies in a row. I too experienced a loss in January, I am enjoying all the stories. There is hope after all.
02-19-2008 03:54 AM
flapjack The story's a bit long, so I put it on my blog.
01-10-2008 09:31 PM
matey We began trying to have a baby in the summer of 2006. We conceived in September. I dreamed I was pregnant days before taking the test. The BFP was not surprising, I felt I knew all along and that my knowledge and comfort meant that this pregnancy was meant to be.

I went to the OB at 9 weeks 5 days. The u/s showed the baby, but the dr. could not find the heart beat. He talked about blood work and a better u/s. Stupid me, I didnt even understand at first that my baby was gone. But as the dr. talked I started to comprehend it, and I fell apart. The baby was measuring over 8 weeks. I had thrown up the day before, my first bout of morning sickness I thought, but really, it was just my hormones plummeting. I miscarried on November 20, 2006.

The winter was hard. Their with other friends having babies and getting pregnant. There was heavy depression. Six weeks of bleeding following the miscarriage. Constant cramping. Soon after the bleeding stopped I started yoga, and then I started going to a chiropractor. This helped eith the cramping.

We conceived a second time in April 2007. We did a lot of blood work, and the progesterone levels began falling. The dr. started me on progesterone supplements, and things seemed to level out. My son was born on Decemeber 14, 2008.
10-14-2007 11:30 PM
ScarletBegonias

after many years of ttc and 3 m/c, dh and i gave up. my third m/c was hard. it was the first time i had conceived in almost 5 years. we were so excited. at 12 wks, our mw couldn't find a hb, so she sent me for bloodwork. it showed i was still pg, but hcg was low. a couple days later i started spotting, and then full on bleeding. i lost so much blood and was going into shock. dh called an ambulance and i ended up with a d&c. we were devastated.

a couple months later i had a distinct feeling that i would be pg again before that baby would have been due. i hadn't even started really cycling again. research shows though that women are very fertile for the first 3 cycles after a m/c.

i finally got af and sure enough, 1 day before our baby's edd, i got a positive test! we were elated, but also scared. i had a wonderful mw and a homebirth. dd is now 20 months old.

i have pcos (a rarer form of it), and so i was curious to see if i would start to cycle after i had dd. many women are "cured" of pcos after having a child, so i was hoping. i am still bf'ing dd, but got af back at 13/14 months pp. i got pg the next cycle and am currently 23 wks pg with #2.

i never thought i would have the privledge of being someone's mother. even reading stories like my own, i would think to myself "yeah right, that will *never* happen in my life".

it's so hard not to lose hope and hard when ttc and dealing with losses. each woman's journey is her own. much love, light and peace to you all.
10-13-2007 01:41 PM
Zyla This is a wonderful thread. I'm finally ready to share my story -- I need an infusion of hope myself!

I am a single mother by choice, currently 40 years old (yikes!). I had my first miscarriage many, many years ago, in my late teens. It was devastating. I already knew, at 18, that I wanted to be a mother. The next time I conceived I had a completely healthy and uneventful pregnancy and birth. My son is 18yo now. But after that I couldn't seem to get a pregnancy to stick: every time I ttc, I would conceive, only to lose the baby between 3 and 13 weeks after conception. I had four losses in all. And then at 31 I conceived again: my doctor (a new one) recommended I get tested for low progesterone -- it was only 6! They didn't think the pregnancy was viable but the u/s showed 6wk twins!! I began taking supplemental progesterone but sadly, one twin died. : Well, my daughter (now 8) is a joy and a treasure: after the early troubles I went on to have a completely healthy second and third trimesters and birth.

When she was 11 months old I miscarried yet again. But then the next time I conceived everything was fine My little boy is five now.

I am ttc again, and conceived at the beginning of September. Sadly, I miscarried last week. But I know it is possible for me to have another baby. I fully believe in my heart and soul that it is going to happen.
10-13-2007 11:29 AM
momoftworedheads I have had three earth children. My first one came with no complications, at 40 weeks @ 9 lbs 2 oz. He has been ours for 7.5 yrs

Our second son was born at 37.5 weeks, my pregnancy with him was like a rollercoaster. I ended up on bedrest. His heart rate would just drop and drop. I delivered him almost 3 weeks early and he had his cord wrapped aound his chest. He was 7 lbs 14 oz. He has been with us for 5 yrs, 2 months.

Our third son was a suprise sticky baby and i spent a lot of time with a high risk Dr. I was dilated 4 cm for a month and he would not come. At 39 wks and 2 days, our son came into the world. He has had many challenges in his short life, but he is ours and we love him. He has been with us for 2 yrs, 10 months.

Our fourth th pregnancy ended in m/c at 6 weeks. I was sad but i had just found out. It was 12/24/05. Our 3rd son was 11 months old.

Our fifth pregnancy was a surprise and a joy. Our whole family (all 5 of us were excited). Avery's EDD was 3/28/08. Our oldest son would be 8 and our youngest son would be 3. God was blessing us with the 4th child we wanted.
At 11 weeks, I heard our baby's heartbeat for the 1st time. It was the fastest Hb of any of my children, ever. I was excited and had an appt to see the high risk Dr for an u/s. Unfortunately this baby had passed away and his/her spirit moved onto heaven. We have been mourning this loss for 2 weeks and I know my child is watching over us all from heaven.

We are hoping for a Rainbow baby next year.

Dreams do come true, you just have to believe.

Take care all. I pray for everyone here. For our earth children, angels, losses, m/c, ectopic and all the families here.

Hugs,
10-08-2007 06:42 PM
clharr I suffered two mised pregnancies and a molar pregnancy in 2003, but I never gave up hope. WHen we were finally ready to try again last year, we were blessed with a normal, healthy pregnancy and our first child as a wonderful July 4th gift this year. Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me! All I can say, is that I know it's hard now, but keep hope. It will happen for you too!
09-01-2007 10:16 AM
Thalia We tried for a year to conceive. A day after we went for an intial visit with a reproductive endocrinologist, we found out I was pregnant. It seemed like a good healthy pregnancy, but at 8 weeks and 3 days I woke up, went to the bathroom, and found pink blood on the TP. We didn't even have a midwife yet, so I called my GP and she told us to go to the emergency room. We spent most of the day there, and around 2 PM we got into maternal fetal diagnostics for an u/s. The doctor doing the scan outlined and area on the screen and said: "This is the baby, but it's only measuring 6 weeks, and there's no heartbeat. I'm sorry." That wasy May 23, 2006. We had a long hard summer of grieving, and then started to focus on getting healthy and healing. We started trying again that fall.

We conceived again on our third cycle of trying, on Halloween 2006. Emotionally, the pregancy was very hard, but physically, it went very well. I was induced at 42 weeks (after trying every natural induction method there is except for castor oil) and delivered a beautiful, healthy, 8 pound 1 oz girl named Lucia after 12 hours of natural labor (with the exception of Pitocin). She came out after only 14 minutes of pushing!

She's here, and she's real, and we love her so much.
05-16-2007 12:18 AM
theboysmama Dh and I had 2 boys w/ no complications then we lost a baby at 12 1/2 weeks that we named sam. Then we got pg 3 months later and m/c at 6 wks. We named that baby Morgan. 4wks later we conceived again and had cyrus. I wrote up his birth story when he was about 2 1/2 weeks old. I am just now posting it. He is almost 6 months and is such a miracle.

Cyrus’s Birth Story

It has taken me a long time to process the birth for whatever reason. I have done it in small segments and am now ready to write and share the whole birth story.
My midwife was going to be out of town until December 3rd. I had known this since before we conceived. (I knew that I would not go into labor while she was out of town as with my first I went into labor as she drove into the city limits.) This time we had a backup midwife that I like but I was just sure that I wouldn’t go into labor until my midwife got back into town. On the morning of the 2nd I woke up and just had so much to get done. I picked-up the entire house (something that I had not done in a while), fully cleaned my bathroom, organized my large menstrual pads on the back of the toilet with a peri bottle and put them in a cute basket (so not me), then I just had to make organic rice crispy treats. Then I finished up my final project for an independent studies class that I was taking this semester. Then I was completely starving and hadn’t cooked any dinner so I threw the diapers in the wash (since I hadn’t washed them yet) and we headed to sweet tomatoes for dinner.
On the way there, at about 6pm, I started feeling some pressure in my uterus. It wasn’t anything that I could time and it wasn’t crampy like with my previous labors. I had pressure off and on while we were eating and I went to the bathroom 4 or 5 times while we were there. On the way home I told peter that I was going to get in the bath and if the pressure like feeling didn’t stop then he should call the midwife. He said “but she isn’t back yet” I told him that she was back because I wouldn’t be going into labor until she was. While soaking in the bath the pressure began to get stronger and stronger so I had peter call our midwife. He paged her about 8:00pm and she didn’t call back so he called the back-up midwife and she came right over. (They had both told me to call right away since my labors in the past had gone fairly quickly). Right before she arrived peter put the boys to bed. When our back-up Jayme arrived she checked me and I was a 6 so we called the girls mom so she could bring them over and we called my brother so that he could be there to help with the kids. A few minutes later our midwife Jenny came in the door. I was so excited to hear her voice. I told her that I had told the baby to wait until the 3rd and she laughed and promised she wouldn’t kill me until after the baby was born. (Turns out she hadn’t returned our page because her plane was just landing. I knew she was in townJ). She brought in all of her stuff and started helping peter set up the tub. I stayed in the bath for a while and my best friend came over. She sat in there with me while peter sat up the tub. It was kind of weird because the last time that she had sat in the bathroom with me I was having an awful miscarriage. This was very healing to actually be having my baby but I was still really worried. I started to get really cold so I got out of the bath and sat on the toilet until the tub was ready. Our hot water heater doesn’t work well and Peter usually has to boil most of the water on the stove.
As soon as the tub was ready I got in the tub about 9:00 pm. I was using hypnobirthing (The mongan method) that I have used with all of my births and I did not have any pain. I usually don’t catch my labor so early on so it felt really weird to be in the tub just hanging out and talking with everyone around. The boys were in bed but the girls each took turns getting in the tub with me. My neighbor and close friend came over and we told her she could stay. Around 9:30 I started feeling my body begin to push the baby down. With my second child it only took about three of those before he was out so that is kind of what I was expecting. Peter got in the tub with me around 10:00pm and my neighbor Ashley and my brother went to wake up the boys. The pushing urge was coming closer and closer together. Both boys had a chance to get in the tub with me and put water on my belly. They were really excited. Every time that I pushed his head would begin to crown and then it would go all the way back in. I was starting to get nervous. With my first child that was happening and then his heart rate dropped because his elbow was stuck on my pelvis. I was starting to worry that something was wrong. Both Jenny and Jayme were checking the baby’s heart rate frequently, which helped me feel better.
At this point I started trying different positions to see if that would help move the baby down. It didn’t seem to be helping. Every time that I pushed Peter could see the head and then when I stopped pushing his head would go back in again. I could still feel the bag of waters. I knew as soon as that broke that I would get to meet my baby. A little after 11:00 I asked Jenny if she could check me to see if she could tell if there was a problem. She went and put on her gloves and then I had a really strong surge. I asked her to wait to check me until the surge was over. It lasted forever then all of a sudden I felt the burning in the perineum and I knew that the baby was coming out. I felt a big gush of water and then his head was out and then it took a moment and then the shoulders were out. The baby came out facing down just like he was supposed but he never turned so when I passed his shoulders I also passed his back and then his whole body was out. I was so excited. I brought him up to me and as I did I felt kind of a pop and saw a plume of blood. I didn’t really think anything about it until a moment later when Jenny was fishing in the water and she mumbled “where the he** is the cord”. At that moment I knew exactly what the popping had been and I said, “It broke! The cord broke!” Jenny grabbed the cord and asked Jayme to grab a clamp. They clamped the cord but the baby wasn’t crying. Jenny flipped him over and rubbed his back. That is when I notice that our baby was a boy. Jenny handed the baby back to me and started doing mouth to mouth. I was so scared but I knew that Jenny knew what she was doing and that I had no control over the situation. I just spoke to my baby and let him know how worried I was and how badly I wanted to meet him. Jayme brought over the oxygen and gave him a little blow by. Finally his color started to return (he had been awfully white) and he started to get his tone back. I didn’t realize until several days later how worried I had been. I just couldn’t believe that was happening. I had been worried my whole pregnancy that something was going to go wrong and here it was happening. In reality that moment was just that, a moment, but it felt so long and so scary. When I watch the birthing video it is amazing how relaxed I look because I certainly did not feel relaxed. The cord was just really short and must have had a week area and that is why it tore. Within in 15 minutes of the birth he was nursing and looking up at me. I couldn’t believe I finally had him in my arms. The water was so bloody from all the blood that had come out of the cord and all of the regular blood so we got out of the tub and headed to the family bed.
I had torn a little but Jenny told me she wouldn’t stitch me if I would stay in bed for 3 days. That is not something that I had ever done but I really wanted to have a baby moon this time. I stayed in bed 4 days and it was wonderful getting to know my little man. He weighed in at 7lbs 14oz and 21 1/2 inches long. We named him Cyrus Austin Wayne.
A week after he was born I was having a really hard time processing everything. All of the what if’s were coming up. I feel that we made the right choice about homebirth and that his birth went just as it was supposed. The bag of waters slowed down the pushing which kept my cord from tearing while he was still inside. He is 2 ½ wks old now and is nursing great. He is a true miracle and we are so grateful to have him finally with us.
12-29-2006 09:27 PM
Patti Ann It has been wonderful to read all these stories. I finally have some time to add mine now.

Gabriel Griffin 10/2/06

I had my first loss- a miscarriage on 10/2/04 at 5 1/2 weeks. I went on to conceive again in early February of 2005. My due date was 10/25-my husbands birthday. We were so happy to be adding baby number 4 to our family. The pregnancy was esy aside from the early sub chorionic bleed I had at 6 weeks. An ultrasound relieved my fears of another miscarriage. I loved being pregnant and was enjoying the baby growing inside of me. I continued to run until about 29 weeks when I slowed down to walking 3 miles every morning. It was time alone with the baby to just bond and feel it move.

My world came crashing down on September 24th, 2005. I had been feeling very tired on the 23rd. Made myself sit down around 6:30 pm because the baby wasn't as active. I felt one movement around my belly button and got up to make dinner. Little did I know this would be my baby's last movement. I kept trying to feel the baby move all evening. I thought maybe it was just a slow day. I laid on the bed awake until 1 am when I nodded off for a few hours. I told dh about it, but didn't really express to him my extreme concern. I awoke at 4 am and came downstairs to get some cereal and iced tea in hopes of waking the baby up. Nothing. I kept moving my positions and nothing. When dh woke up I told him what was going on. He suggested we go to the hospital where I work as a labor and delivery nurse and have them listen to the heart beat to reassure me. I kept dragging my feet because I knew what they were going to tell me.

We got to the hospital and dropped the older kids with my mother in the laundry. She could see the concern on my face. We went upstairs into triage where I grabbed the doppler myself. I laid down on an empty bed and one of my friends came right over with the fetal monitor. One of the midwives in my group came right in with the ultrasound followed by the doctor. My worst fear was realized. They could not find a beating heart. My baby had died. I just screamed.

I chose to be induced and my midwife came in special for me. They drew lots of blood and took cultures. Surrounded by family and friends Griffin Patrick silently entered this world at 7:47 pm on Septemeber 24th. He weighed 6 pounds 9 oz and was 21 inches long. He was baptized and we got to spend a few hours with him. I was in such shock. Working where I work I have seen awful outcomes in the past. I never thought something like this would happen to me. We had an answer for his death. Upon his birth there was a true knot in his umbilical cord that had gotten pulled too tight. I have seen so many babies born with knots in their cords that have no problems at all. Why my baby?

I was desperate to get pregnant again. I got my positive test on Jan 31, 2006. I was happily expecting again with a due date of October 12th. Another physically easy pregnancy. I had another sub chorionic bleed at 6 weeks where I thought I had lost the pregnancy. I ran again, but this time only until 23 weeks when strange pulling in my abdomen told me it was not worth the worry. The pregnancy was full of worry, but I was trying to just enjoy it as best I could. Each day my baby was alive and I had to thank God for that.

I decided to be induced at 38 1/2 weeks. My first 2 came at 38 weeks so I felt that the baby would be ready. I didn't need an extra week and a half worrying if the baby had moved or not. In early September I scheduled the induction for October 2nd. Ten days before my due date. Two years after my miscarriage. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in early September and had surgery to remove the tumor on September 21st. My tenth Wedding Anniversary. The surgery went well. They had gotten all the cancer. We celebrated Griffin's birthday on the 24th and did a 5K walk /run to honor him. My friends from the running board arranged that. My mom was still in the hospital and not recovering well. They discharged her on the 25th. I picked her up to bring her to my house to recover. Sadly my mother died in front of me on Septemeber 26th. She died of a pulmonary embolus. I tried to revive her, but was not successful. Her funeral was on the 30th. I kept my induction date because my mom was more worried about me and the baby than herself. She even asked the doctor if she could postpone everything until after I had the baby.

On October 2nd I went in for incduction. Gabriel Griffin was born at 4:10 pm. He was surrounded by love. My dh,sister, oldest dd, sil, and 2 nieces were there. My best friend was my labor nurse and the same midwife who had delivered the other 4 was with me. My mom's sisters and sil and niece were still here from Ireland so they got to come and see him minutes after he was born. Their trip to America had a happy ending. Turns out he was born on the feast of the Guardian Angels. Gabriel my little angel. I was relieved to have him come out screaming. That sound has never sounded so good.

Griffin was not replaced. I think of him daily and am enjoying his little brother Gabriel Griffin. He is so loved and adored. He was a blessing to everyone. A much needed light after so much pain over the past year.

Patti
10-11-2006 06:27 PM
littleteapot Xan's story.

After our son Jericho died, we didn't want to TTC right away... we made love a lot, I think because it was the only reminder we had that there was some love and stability in our lives, but we used condoms.
Despite their use, I started feeling 'off' and had the inklings of being pregnant. I was very scared, so I didn't test for almost two weeks. Eventually I worked up the courage to, and when it came up positive I was terrified. I cried for days, and felt guilty that I hadn't been eating well, or taking any vitamins, or even begun to grieve for my son. It had only been about 8 weeks since his death and here I was already pregnant, albeit unintentionally.
We waited a long time to tell family members, because I was afraid they would all think to sweep Jericho under the rug. Now it's a happy time, so we can forget about grieving and death.

I chose another unassisted pregnancy: I couldn't do it another way after the peace and life-affirming experience I'd had while pregnant with Jericho.
Aside, 8 weeks fresh from a c-section and pregnant again meant another c-section just about anywhere I'd go. I was NOT having another. No way, no how. Even if I laboured a hundred hours I would not have another c-section.
I tracked less in this pregnancy, because I felt so guilty. I longed to apologise to my son. Even though I wanted this baby so much, I was afraid to admit to it, because in some way to me that meant that I wanted a replacement for my empty arms.
I was convinced I was having a girl, but I wanted a boy... Later on people suggested to me I convinced myself it was a girl because it would be too scary to know I was having a(nother) boy so soon after my first son's death.

I went between 1 and 3 weeks overdue: I never really knew my exact 'due date' and didn't want to. I had a lot of trouble being in touch with this baby the way I was with my son. Throughout my pregnancy I tried to address my fears of birth. i never feared it prior to my violating c-section experience, but now after failing my body I felt likely to fail it again.
I had two bouts of false labour that launched me into horrible panic attacks, which I believe stopped my labour. I was terrified, although I'm not sure of what. Having a baby on the outside of my body meant they were no longer safe. Jericho was alive and peaceful within me; he only started to die once he came out and his cord was cut. That in particular was always difficult for me: his cord was cut the instant he was out, and with that his lifeline gone. He did not survive much longer without that.

On the afternoon of October 3rd I went into labour with my (unbeknownst to us) second son.

--------------
Around 5am I started cramping on and off. It kept me awake until Curtis left. They weren't regular, and were pretty mild. Every so often I'd have one mildly intense one and then nothing. I told Curtis to go to work and if they actually turned into something I'd call him in a few hours. At 9:30 I was way too tired to stay awake any more, asked LC if she would watch Tempest for me, and went back for a nap.
I slept for almost three hours, only waking a few times, and when I got up I felt much better and the on-and-off cramps had long stopped, making them no different from my regular day-to-day braxton hicks. I had written on a filter that I thought they might turn into something, so I was on my way to call false alarm and then went to the bathroom and lost my mucous plug in a very big (and gross) way. I checked my cervix; it was around 4cm dilated with a bulging bag. I've never had a bulging bag before so I had no idea what it was at first. He was still posterior at this point so I gave into the idea of having three posterior labours! I guess when you don't know the difference it's not that bad.

LC and I decided to go for a walk down to the corner store for some drinks. We were gone about half an hour. While I walked I got mild, tiny squeezes every three minutes or so that really weren't that regular nor painful. I only had to stop walking twice, but not so much for pain as just for the intensity of the squeeze - they felt a little like someone taking both hands to the side of my belly and pushing it inward.
When I came home and sat down they spaced back out to ten-to-fourteen minutes and I barely felt them, but I had already resolved to call Amber and Curtis just the same. It was about 3pm, and I figured Curtis wouldn't mind coming home an hour early. I thought that real labour would probably hit late that night and I'd have him in the middle of the night, since all of this warm-up generally happens a day or so before the real contractions start going.

While I waited for Curtis I checked myself again and couldn't feel my cervix. The bulging bag and now part of a head were so low that I couldn't get my fingers in far enough to feel what was going on. I figured I couldn't be that much further in and gave up on checking. Real labour hadn't actually started yet, and the only difference seemed to be that he'd engaged. The braxton hicks were still barely on and off. Sometimes as far as twenty minutes apart and nothing to sneeze at.
I sat on the birthing ball in front of the computer and made my updates. Curtis came home about ten minutes later, and instantly real labour hit and the contractions were suddenly five minutes apart and intense. It was literally as though someone had flicked a switch. There was no gradual build-up to it at all.
I couldn't get off the ball; every time I tried a contraction would hit and I'd have to sit back down again. I ended up stuck at the computer for an hour. I was feeling rather ridiculous, thinking that I was going to have my baby in front of the computer with Livejournal up on the screen and how I could never again claim to not be addicted to the internet if that actually came to pass.

Finally I managed to get up and go to the bathroom. I laboured on the toilet for another hour, by myself. The contractions felt much easier on the toilet: I was able to focus more on opening up and made quieter, lower noises through them. I kept my fingers and throat open and tried to make my body limp when each contraction crept up. I had a little bit of bloody show at that point, and was still unable to check myself because of how low the baby's head was.

Curtis brought me ice water with a bendy straw and some yogurt and granola to eat. I had as much as I could, but was starting to feel nauseated and couldn't finish it. After a few more contractions I decided to try and fill up the tub and see if some of the warm water would help.
I ran the bath as high as it would go and tried to get comfortable. It was at this point that I started feeling that intense "nothing is working" feeling that is very typical of transition. Although I didn't recognize this as transition (also typical of transition...) The contractions were a little closer together, a little more intense but I was still waiting for them to get "really bad".

At the tail end of a few contractions I felt this very odd tingling feeling in my chest and upper belly. It was something I've never experienced before. It felt almost like a tiny urge to push, more of a nudge than an urge. With the next contraction I tried giving a little push and that felt pretty good, so I called Curtis in and asked him to stay. I still didn't feel like I was really that close to the end, and imagined I would be hitting transition soon. I always expect transition to be so dramatic that I cannot possibly mistake it for anything else, but this is my third labour now and I have yet to be "taken over" by one the way I see others experience it.
The tickling feeling started to get a little more nagging, but still didn't feel like a real urge to push. I held it in, not quite scared but a little unnerved by the speed and the idea of letting go of this baby. I asked Curtis to give me some reassurance that it was okay to give in and start pushing, and as soon as the words left his mouth my water broke with a huge pop that was audible even underwater. The level of the tub raised up by about an inch, if not more. There was some meconium (normal for postdates babies) and a little bit of blood. I felt his head come down very hard and the urge to push was now undeniable. I leaned back in the tub so I could raise my hips and get as much coverage in the water as possible. After only one push I started to feel a burning sensation. I had Curtis reach down and feel his head just as it started to crown.
The next few minutes were so incredibly intense for me. Not just physically, but emotionally. It was coming very fast and I had expected myself to be terrified... but I wasn't.
I applied counterpressure to my perineum to prevent tearing when I felt him crown at his biggest, and Curtis mistakenly thought I was trying to push him back in and at first tried to gently move my hand. It's a little difficult to speak coherently when one is crowning a baby, so all I could muster was, "No no no!".
I'm not a big fan of the ring of fire sensation, so I made a lot of horrible noises over the few seconds it took for his head to come out.

Once his head come out all the way the relief was instant. I reached down and felt his nose and eyes. He came out anterior, even though when I'd checked his positioning a few hours ago he was still firmly set in a posterior presentation. I had felt a lot of spinning and moving just moments before I started pushing and I imagine that's when he turned the right way.
I felt him rotate his body to prepare his shoulders for birth; the feeling was just like someone trying to pull him out and I yelled, "What the hell is that?!". Curtis didn't have an answer for me and didn't realize I was asking rhetorically. It was an incredibly weird feeling.
About twenty or thirty seconds passed and I gave one more push. His body flew out so fast he went almost clear across the tub. Both Curtis and I reached down and together we pulled him up out of the water. He was a little gray at first so I started vigorously rubbing his back. I turned him over one arm and slanted him downward, saying, "Come on baby, come on baby". Curtis tells me later this made him nervous, but I wasn't afraid at all. I knew he was fine. Curtis admits this was the point where he forgot everything I'd ever told him about how being a bit slow to start is okay when you're not clamping cutting the cord the instant they're out.
I saw him open up his eyes right away, he started grunting a few seconds later, and pinked up very fast after that. It always seems like longer as it's happening, but in reality that part was barely 20 seconds.

My mother, LC and Tempest were waiting outside the door and all came in to see him just as we were lifting him out. I vaguely recall my mother asking, "He's okay?" when she saw his initial colour, and I answered, "Yup!". She was incredibly supportive and calm through this experience, I'm so grateful she took what I had said to heart and been such a rock. She never tried to interfere and was incredibly respectful with offerings of help and support. She wasn't a "mother hen" in the least, didn't lose her cool and I'm grateful for her presence around me during the labour. It's a complete turnaround from how she'd acted when I was labouring with Tempest: fretting and busying and generally making everyone a little bit nervous.
Tempest wanted to join me in the tub, but it was pretty gross so I asked her not to get in. Instead she perched on the edge: "That's a baby! Look at that baby! That baby came out your 'gina. That baby is sad. Will you nurse that baby with your nipple?".
At this point we still thought Xan was a girl. He started nuzzling at my breast but didn't seem too interested in nursing. A few minutes went by before Curtis announced, "It's a boy!". He sounded almost unsure.
"It is not," I said. I lifted his legs to check, and then started screaming. All through my pregnancy I kept hearing his name in my dreams, I'd shared it with Curtis and wondered why it never felt quite right. We'd spent many nights sitting on the couch for hours at a time trying to figure out why it didn't fit when it felt like that was the right name. I kept applying it to a girl. In the back of my mind I would think, 'but it would be perfect for a boy'.

Less than five minutes after he was born Curtis pointed out that the placenta was sitting right at my perineum. I gave a tiny push and it came right out. We stayed in the tub about twenty minutes adoring him before I pulled the plug and had Curtis set up the bed with chux pads so I could lay down. I wrapped Xan in a clean, hot towel that my mother had just warmed in the dryer and passed him to LC so that I could clean off the placenta in the tub and check it over.
As I rinsed myself off I asked Curtis to bring me a half cup of water with a few teaspoons of chlorophyll in it to help rebuild blood supply. I drank a glass of ice water, and then sipped on some orange juice as I got into bed and nursed him. Amber arrived about ten or so minutes later and started taking photos. In the meantime, I called my father and announced the news personally, Curtis called his work (that he'd only left three hours before!) and his mother.

I felt so comfortable and glowing. I wasn't even the slightest bit sore. Everything just seemed absolutely perfect and... normal. Even though something so amazing had just happened, I could just get up and go on with life. After a few hours I called my LLL Leader and asked to borrow her scale to weigh him. She came by, oohing and awwing, took part in the weighing and asked me all about my birth. I promised to come and show him off at the next meeting (the 11th) and gave her permission to make a birth announcement to the email list.
Amber went and picked up Marian and brought her over to see him. I was up until almost 2am, nursing, making phone calls and letting it sink in that I'd just given birth. Life felt so undisturbed by the process; it was so quiet.
It's amazing to have a secret no one else knows until you choose to tell them.
A baby was just born and the only people who know of his new existence were those I wanted to. We had the opportunity to tell whoever we wanted, whenever we wanted.

We wrapped Xan's placenta in some towels, salted it and swaddled him up with it on his stomach. We didn't officially decide anything with it, but it didn't feel right to cut the cord so soon. When he was around 30 hours old, after the cord had long dried, it felt right to separate him. Curtis cleaned and boiled a pair of scissors and I spent some time talking with Xan and asking his permission. We put the placenta in the freezer, planning to plant it in the spring.
He nurses constantly: I don't know where he's putting it. He has such a tiny tummy and yet seems to be drinking more in a day than I do! My breasts were swelling by the time he was ten hours old - I've never been one to have to wait long for my milk to come in.


The initial announcement in my blog, with some really beautiful pictures is here:
http://babyslime.livejournal.com/358961.html

Pictures of birth here:
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...th/labour1.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth1.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth3.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth5.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth6.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth8.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...rth/birth9.jpg
http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...th/birth14.jpg

http://www.natural-forces.com/xan/la...th/xan1day.jpg
09-26-2006 04:19 PM
happiestmomma Melissa, what a beautiful, touching story.

I experienced two early miscarriage losses, in August 2004 and August 2005, which were absolutely devasating. I was found, in October of this year, to have a massively hyperactive thyroid, which seems to have highly contributed to my lack of being able to develop and carry a healthy pregnancy.

On Valentine's Day this year, I took a pregnancy test on a whim...and it read "pregnant!" It was a complete and total surprise, but very wanted and very cherished. Even though it's been a terribly high-risk pregnancy for several reasons, I am now about to hit 36 weeks with a truly blessed baby growing inside me. It's been a nail-biting experience, but I've found myself enjoying and cherishing every moment with this sweet baby, and I can't wait to meet our little miracle.
09-26-2006 08:57 AM
miss_honeyb Thank you so much for the opportunity to post. It is so healing to write about and share such deep life stories. As others here have said, there is hope. I've been so touched reading other's stories and my heart goes out to all who have recently suffered a loss.
09-25-2006 11:52 PM
ladybugchild77 I have to make this short as I am supposed to be working on my schoolwork...MDC is more fun though! To all Mamas who have suffered losses - my heart is with you and I understand. Here is my story:

I had a miscarriage in 2000 at 11 weeks when I was 21. It was awful. I had another miscarriage in April 2004 at 7 weeks - it was three months after I got marrie d- we lost the baby on our three month anniversary. I was so devastated that I said I didn't want to TTC for at least a year...in July of 2004 I found out I was pregnant!!!!!!!!!!! My little miracle baby is now 18mo and will have a little sister in about a month. I send all who have suffered losses big hugs and hope this little tidbit of a story is uplifting...NOw I really really really need to go read for school - no more posting!:
09-25-2006 11:44 PM
*bejeweled* Thank you for sharing your story. I am deeply touched.

Faith

Quote:
Originally Posted by miss_honeyb View Post
Matthias is not forgotten. He is not replaced. He is part of our lives and deeply imbedded in our hearts. Moses is with us, doing adorable baby things and soaking up an abundance of love. They are separate and uniquely loved children, as is my first-born daughter Grace. The Lord has given me Grace for 7 years, Matthias for 2 days and Moses for 5 weeks. Each one of my children has my whole heart.
09-25-2006 09:53 AM
miss_honeyb Matthias & Moses
“’Tis in my memory lock’d, And you yourself shall keep the key of it.” ~Shakespeare

My 5-week old baby nestles against my body as we lay in bed together. One small hand rests on my breast as if to reassure himself that I’m there. I smell his warm milky breath, his baby sweetness, moist and still new. He grunts contentedly and I kiss the top of his downy head. This is no longer a dream. Now it is real.

Last summer, one year ago, my baby was born and died. For forty weeks and four days he had lived inside me and I had dreamed of him. I had felt him move, had wondered intensely what he looked like and who he was. My husband and I named him Matthias. I longed for him to be born. My arms practically ached, waiting to hold him. I dreamed many times of breastfeeding him, kissing him, rocking with him bundled in my arms. Night after night my husband and I would lie in bed, watching my belly contort as Matthias did his in utero acrobats. We would talk about what it would be like to finally see him, to watch him grow. We’re going to have a baby in our home! Then he’ll be crawling, walking, talking, playing ball… These are the dreams of all expectant parents; parents who expect. They expect that they will have a baby, that he will live and thrive and grow. They expect that these things will happen. I did, too.

He came into the world so quickly. My early morning contractions went from mild to unbearable in two hours. Despite that, everything seemed fine until the nurse came into the delivery room, looked at the monitor and said, “Uh-oh. Where’s his heartbeat?” The pain made everything a blur to me, but I heard them ask my husband for permission to do an emergency c-section. Then I was being wheeled to the O.R. Suddenly the urge to push overwhelmed me and with three great pushes I delivered my baby, there on the table in the operating room. He was limp, blue, silent; six inches of his cord pinched tight.

With resuscitation, Matthias’ heart began to beat and a machine breathed for him. But his little body had gone without oxygen too long and 36 hours later we removed his breathing tube and gave his spirit back to God.

I left the hospital without my baby. I went home to a house ready for a baby. My life felt so empty, like his little bed, like my belly. In my mourning of Matthias I was also mourning the loss of all the expectations I had. All my dreams for him, everything
I thought would be was dead now too. The sadness of it all is something for which there is no word.

Seven weeks later I conceived again. Many things have been said about the proper time to wait to get pregnant after a baby has died. Some say at least a year, my midwife said, “Wait two cycles,” a book I read said no less than two years. But this was the proper time for me. Nothing and no one would ever, ever replace Matthias. He inhabited a place in my heart that was sacred and untouchable. We decided to get pregnant again because there was supposed to be a baby in our lives, not to replace or “get over” Matthias. And I believed I could mourn for the baby who was gone and look forward to the baby who was coming at the same time.

My pregnancy was both harder and easier that I expected. The hardest part was when I realized that this new baby really wasn’t Matthias and would not somehow give me back a piece of him. Deep down, I think I had hoped somehow to get him back. In that moment my heart said, “I don’t want a new baby. I only want Matthias back.” Thankfully I had a wise woman in my life who helped me work through all the conflicting thoughts and emotions. Because of course I did want this baby. And of course I wanted Matthias. To mourn and rejoice at the same time is a difficult paradox in which to live. The apostle Paul says it well: “Sorrowful yet always rejoicing.” This is where I was. But the Lord enabled me to eventually give my heart to my new baby as well as to Matthias.

As my due date drew near, I began to have vivid flashbacks. And I feared that I would relive the events of Matthias’ delivery while I was in labor with this baby (who we had discovered at 20 weeks was another boy.) Could my mind and heart be fully present for this new arrival when it had been less than a year since Matthias’ birth and death? I also feared that my emotions would be so unstable and that I would be remembering Matthias so vividly that I would not be able to bond with my new son. I wanted to be present for him and to give him my whole heart in those precious moments after birth and in the days following. But on the flip side, I also needed Matthias to be remembered. I didn’t want the excitement of a new baby to make everyone forget the equally precious baby who was no longer with us.

I can’t thank the Lord enough for giving us a wise, loving, deeply understanding doula. With her help, I realized I didn’t need to worry about anyone forgetting Matthias. He was a precious, unique child who will always be in our hearts. But this delivery was about this baby, and he deserved to have his mother focus only on him. It wouldn’t take anything from Matthias.

And we prayed. One morning I emailed a list of my fears to a group of women friends and asked that they would pray for me. A slow, unhurried labor. No flashbacks. The ability to bond and give my heart to my baby. They prayed, and that night I went into labor.

It was slow and easy. No flashbacks, just the eager expectation of holding my little son. I pushed him out with determination in a few mighty pushes. With my eyes closed, I waited for the sound I longed to hear. Piercing and strong came my son’s cry. Joy, relief, contentment and peace flooded me as my husband cut the umbilical cord and handed me my living, breathing baby. Moses. My son. He promptly peed on me and then found solace at my breast and in my arms. Did I have to work at “bonding”? Did it take time feel connected to him? Was it difficult to give him my heart? No. From the moment I opened my eyes after pushing him out and saw my son Moses, my heart was deeply, totally and irrevocably in love. I know it’s not true for all mothers, but the Lord granted that to me.

Matthias is not forgotten. He is not replaced. He is part of our lives and deeply imbedded in our hearts. Moses is with us, doing adorable baby things and soaking up an abundance of love. They are separate and uniquely loved children, as is my first-born daughter Grace. The Lord has given me Grace for 7 years, Matthias for 2 days and Moses for 5 weeks. Each one of my children has my whole heart.
09-15-2006 11:10 AM
barranquilla01 God Bless You All!!
08-27-2006 03:20 PM
*bejeweled* It is so beautiful to see this thread still going. Your posts keep me inspired. Congratulations on the birth of your babies! I look forward to posting our story one day in the future. We are content with our dear sweet daughter. But who knows what God has in store for us......................

08-26-2006 08:14 AM
homesick742 I had three healthy normal pregnancies. When I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time I was so ecstatic and was certain this was a girl and all would be normal. I had even had my first check up and the midwife said all looked good. A week later I began spotting. I already knew in my heart what was going on. Still I prayed otherwise. A u/s the next morning confirmed it.

So I swore I would never get pregnant again because I did not want to risk going through the pain of losing another baby. Three months later I was looking at a positive test. I was so scared. I worried about every little cramp and every time I didn't feel the baby. It was about 7 months along that I finally felt like I could relax. And now today is my baby's 1st birthday!
08-15-2006 12:40 PM
taradt My daughter was born in April 2002 5 1/2 weeks early by c-section due to severe pre-e.

We knew we wanted to try again but I wanted to wait until Cailyn wasn't nursing as much. When she was about 18 months old we got pregnant again and were thrilled the children would be about 2 years apart. This time we went with a midwife. At our 12 week appointment I heard the baby's heartbeat and was so thrilled, it was happening unfortunatly DH didn't hear the heart as he was in the waiting room with our very uncooperative daughter. At 16 weeks we went back and couldn't find the heartbeat, we chalked it up to the doppler not being clear and I went home, it was a week before Christmas (and in hindsight I knew something was wrong but wasn't ready to accept it). 4 days later I woke to light spotting and we went in to see the backup midwife who also couldn't find the heartbeat, then to an ultrasound that confirmed our baby had died about 2+ weeks before. We got through the holidays and nothing was happening so at what would have been 18 weeks we induced and had a very peaceful miscarriage at home.

We waited the 3 months and got pregnant again, this time we did an early ultrasound and then heard the heartbeat at 10 weeks. We then left on our annual trip to visit family for a month, while away we found a midwife willing to check for babies heartbeat at 14 weeks, all was good. we got back and things were going good so we started telling people, then we went at 20 weeks for an ultrasound and they found low fluid and several markers for genetic problems. We spent the next 6 weeks monitoring and trying to make sense of it all. We finally got enough fluid to do an amnio and the results came back with trisomy 9. That weekend the baby died and we induced the following week.

I took 6 months off TTC, I got in the best shape ever, went to a natropath and worked really hard on healing. Then we got pregnant again. Another 8 week ultrasound then at 11 weeks trying to hear the heartbeat (none) and another scan to confirm that yet again this was happening. We had a d&c that time.

Then I went to my GP and asked for some tests to be done, it came back that I had slightly elevated homocysteine levels which could lead to losses and there were a few studies showing possible corelations to high homocysteine and pre-e. I got on a high folic acid, b6, b12 regime for that and it brought the levels down. We got pregnant again, this time we declined the early scan, at 10 weeks the midwife heard the heartbeat. after that we rented a doppler for my piece of mind. At 15 weeks we retested homocysteine and it was still low. I finally told my family at this point. At 17 weeks we did a scan and things looked to be good. The pregnancy was very uneventful and my healthiest to date (though the most stressful in terms of waiting for something to go wrong) Kienen was born by VBAC August 2nd at 37 weeks.

tara
07-27-2006 03:13 PM
Mearaina Lynea's story

In April of 2005 I found I was (surprise!) pregnant with my third child. At that point, my dd's were 10 months and 34 months. Everything was great. I felt great. In hindsight, I think that should have been a clue because I NEVER feel great when I am pregnant, but I was just happy to feel good. At 9 weeks 3 days I start spotting and a few days later an US confirms what my heart already knew: my baby was dead. He (we felt the baby was a he) hadn't developed much at all, so we are not sure why my body held onto him for so long. I m/c'd at 10 weeks 5 days on June 8, 2005.

I wanted to try right away for another. We waited 1 cycle and started trying. I could tell all wasn't quite back to normal, so towards the end of September when I saw signs that things were normal, I was excted and very scared, also. 16 days past O I was holding a BFP in my hand and I started feeling the fear that would be ever present for the next 9 months.

I got tests to measure my progesterone and HCG levels. Everything looked good, numbers were rising well. The doc put me on progesterone as a precaution.

Then the spotting began. I spotted regularly, 3-4 days a week. At 7 1/2 weeks an US showed a healthy baby with a good heart rate. She was even moving her flipper a little bit!!

The spotting continued. No one could figure it out. At 12 weeks I passed clots and thought for sure it was over. As they started the US I looked away, and then I hear the tech say, there's your baby...and there's the heart rate. I just started crying. The baby waved her hand at us. She was fine.

The spotting decreased but continued. A yeast infection at 16 weeks didn't help. When I started contracting at 22 1/2 weeks I was sent to the hospital and hooked up to the monitors. The contractions stopped but they noticed unnerving decels in the baby's heart rate, so we had another US to check the cord and placenta. Everything looked great.

Everything goes swimmingly until 34 1/2 weeks, when I start contracting 4 minutes apart. After being monitored at the hospital for hours, they disappear as suddenly as they started.

After I hit 38 weeks the docs and I discuss induction. My first 2 dd's both had problems fitting out, 1 resulted in getting so stuck for so long when she came out she wasn't breathing and had to go on Oxygen Both went into distress at the same spot in my pelvis. Up until 38 weeks we thought that this baby was smaller than the others, but she had a growth spurt and we weren't sure if she'd fit out. I didn't want to be induced, but I didn't want to have another baby who wasn't breathing so I consented to be induced on June 14, my late grandmas birthday, when I would be 39 weeks 5 days. I knew when I conceived so I knew exactly how far she was, so about 5 days before the 14th I started talking to her every night, imagining myself in labor, and all that. I had been having BH mixed with real contractions for months, and the contractions really increased during these little bonding sessions. I was really hoping that she would come on her own and save me the trouble of deciding whether of not to show up for my induction.

All day Tuesday the 13th my 1 cat was acting strange. She was all over me. She knew something was up. At 10:45pm on Tuesday night, my water broke. I wasn't really contracting, so we went to the hospital to make sure we didn't have a cord prolapse and decided to wait til morning to see what happened. Contractions started a 4-6 minutes apart around midnight and continued that way until about 4:30 am. At that point I am uncomfortable, so I wake up dh and we do the walking and the ball and all that. At 4:45 I go in the tub. It helps for about 3 contractions until I feel the urge to push. I had been 4 cm going into the tub, 20 mintues later at 5:05 am I am 6 cm. Every contraction got worse, along with the urge to push. At 5:30 the doctor still wasn't there and I started pushing in spite of the nurse and dh trying to get me to stop. I was screaming my head off from all of the pressure. The doctor arrived and checked me immediately and I still had a lip on my cervix. Obviously sensing that I was not in the mood to wait to push, he pushes the lip out of the way as I pushed the baby over it, and then I started pushing in earnest. That was at 5:52 am. At 6:04 am her head is out, and she is stuck. Everyone swings into action. I had to change positions so the doctor had a better angle. Nurses were pushing on my stomach. I was pushing like crazy, constantly for 3 minutes. The doctor rotates her 180 degrees and she finally comes out. He shows her to me so I can see who she is, Lynea or Eamon. But she isn't breathing. For 45 terrifying seconds she is silent. Then they cut her cord to take her over to figure out what is wrong, and she starts crying. I was so relieved. I was exhausted and shaking hard. But about an hour later I was walking around the room and hugging my older dd's.

After a natural birth, I will never go back. I will never be induced again, ever. It was almost spiritual.

Lynea Grace was born weighing 9 pounds 3 ounces and was nursing as soon as I could hold her. She latched on and never looked back. I only had a 2nd degree tear, my best tear ever (I had a 3rd and 4th degree with my other dd's)

When I was pregnant I thought for sure she'd be the last one because it was so scary. But now I am pretty sure there will be more. I get the feeling that there is a Fiona out there waiting to join our family, and that she is getting tired of waiting for her turn .
07-24-2006 01:24 AM
butterfly_mom Here's my story...

I found out I was pregnant with DS in May of 2001. I was pretty young at the time and was nervous about my pregnancy and excited. DH was jumping up and down! The only dangers I knew about were risks of miscarriage in the first trimester. I knew not to drink caffeine and i knew once I was in the 2nd trimester I was safe. I wasn't even told about counting my kicks!!! My pregnancy was uncomplicated and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy 27 Nov 01. He weighed in 7lbs 9.8 oz.

To this day I still don't know why we waited long to get pregnant with our second one. I sometimes wonder if events would've been different if we would've had our second sooner. But I think I was pregnant with Bailee because she had a lesson to teach us. When I found out I was pregnant with Bailee DH and I were having some rough times. We were always fighting about petty things. My second pregnancy to me felt like "oh i've done this before. piece of cake!" I had terrible morning sickness for four months. As my stomach started to grow it didn't really hit me. I was excited of course to be pregnant and to be having a girl. My little girl moved so much. DS loved her (still does ). He would talk to my belly and by then we already had named her Bailee. He was excited about becoming a big brother. All of my tests were normal or negative. I had another uncomplicated pregnancy with Bailee. There weren't any red flags to make me a high risk candidate. And again I didn't know of the dangers or risks of loss in pregnancy. The last time I heard my dear daughter's heartbeat was August 22nd at my last OB appointment. The morning of August 27th, I started getting contractions and they were getting pretty close and in strength. I waited for DH to come home from school to tell him the good news. And as I was doing my regular duties around the house and getting ready for the hospital I never checked to see if she was moving. I blame myself for losing Bailee because although she moved a lot, I didn't count all my kicks. When DH came home we left to eat lunch because our hospital policy is to wait 2 hours before coming in. Two hours hit and so we dropped our son off with a friend and told him his sister was coming home soon. We arrived at the hospital nervous and anxious and ready to meet our bundle of joy. We walk into the Triage and start the process of getting admitted. The nurse grabbed the doppler to look for the heartbeat. She couldn't find it and we didn't even hear the swooshing of the placenta. She grabbed a doctor and a portable ultrasound machine. She said she couldn't see well with the portable so they took us into the NST room to use the ultrasound machine. By then I was crying and scared and DH was trying to console me. About four doctors came in and did the ultrasound and I can still remember hearing them say "i'm sorry. But there isn't a heartbeating" I yelled and screamed and cried. My baby was gone. I had never felt so much pain in my entire life. I wanted this little bundle of joy. I had gone to the hospital to have her and now I was going to give birth to her and leave the hospital empty handed. I didnt want to exist anymore. My Bailee was born silently at 1121pm. The room was so quiet. I was able to hold her and see our beautiful creation. She had so much hair and was beautiful. She was 8lbs 7.1oz and 20 3/4 inches long. She was 39 wks 6 days. The hospital staff took pictures and gave us a lock of her hair. She was peaceful. She was laid to rest 3 days later.

Tests were done to figure out what happen. In the end she passed away due to infection (chorio) and I ended up having Antiphospholipid Antibodies syndrome. It is a blood clotting disorder in which I have to take heparin injections and aspirin therapy during pregnancy and lovenox shots for 6wks postpartum.

DH and I wanted to get pregnant again. Not to replace Bailee but to bring a baby home. We were going to do this. And in a wierd sort of way it would help us heal. I found out I was pregnant in November 2005. I was excited, sccared, joyful, and felt guilty. I didn't want Bailee to feel like she was getting replaced. My doctor was wonderful. She was the one who delivered Bailee. She understood my fears and my nervousness. She saw me weekly from the time I found out I was pregnant to every two weeks. She knew we hated the doppler and used the ultrasound at each appointment to look for a heartbeat and show us that our baby was alive. All that lasted for 35 wks 6 days. My pregancy with DS2 was uncomplicated as well aside from the shots and previous history. I didn't bleed or had early contractions etc... We did have a level 2 ultrasound that brought us yet another blow. We were told that we had a 97% chance of having a normal baby and a 3% chance of having a baby with downs syndrome. With what happened before we felt like G-d was punishing us. We had to decide if our peace of mind was more important than risk of miscarriage. We did not do an amnio to find out. We waited the next 4 months to find out. At 32 weeks I started my antepartum testing. By then we were on an emotional seesaw.

As I got further along in my pregnancy I had been getting menstrual like cramps but nothing else. The docs were going to induce me 3 July. The night before she was born we ate Indian Food and during the meal I got a cramp that lasted for an hour. We headed to the hospital to be safe and had an NST. It was thumbs up. Around 115am I was sleeping then all of a sudden I felt water. I thought I had wet the bed. I went and grabbed DH and DS and we left for the hospital. The doctor checked and admitted us. I was given pitocin to get contractions started because of my history. Everything was going great. I was given demerol for pain. It took two vials of blood to tell me I couldn't have an epidural. The lab said the first vial didn't have enough so the nurse needed to get more and the second one didn't come back in time. I lost a good amount of blood that scared the heck out of me. I didn't know what was happening and the docs said I could possibly have a c-section if baby looked in trouble but she didnt. I passed a blood clot too. So after yelling and screaming and pushing I gave birth to Erin Bracha at 1001 am 24 June 06.

30 minutes after delivery she started to crash. SHe couldn't breath and her heartrate went down into the 50s. The nurse called code and the Level III staff came in, intubated my daughter and whisked her away. It was all a blur to me because of the demerol. When I was finally able to see her it was hard. She had tubes and IVs in her. SHe was hooked up to a ventilator and then a respirator. She was in there for a week before she was able to come home. In the end the docs think she swallowed too much fluid;more than she could handle.

I thank G-d for my family. He has blessed us with 3 beautiful children.
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