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Forum: Single Parenting   11-16-2014, 11:22 AM
Replies: 53
Views: 525
Posted By captain optimism
So what will you do for Christmas if you have to...

So what will you do for Christmas if you have to spend it with your dh?

I'm Jewish, but I thought Christmas was the big deal family holiday of the year for the majority of people in the US. If my...
Forum: Single Parenting   11-16-2014, 06:11 AM
Replies: 53
Views: 525
Posted By captain optimism
Where are you going for Thanksgiving? Staying at...

Where are you going for Thanksgiving? Staying at home?

I think you should just make the plans to see your folks without him, and tell him after you've already booked the tickets.

Is your...
Forum: Single Parenting   11-13-2014, 10:29 PM
Replies: 53
Views: 525
Posted By captain optimism
Yeah, my ex did the thing where he couldn't let...

Yeah, my ex did the thing where he couldn't let go of his anger for a long time, and wanted me to take responsibility for making him feel angry. It's the worst, because I would try to fix my...
Forum: Single Parenting   11-13-2014, 09:39 AM
Replies: 53
Views: 525
Posted By captain optimism
Do you think that both of you are trying to make...

Do you think that both of you are trying to make this work? It is my impression from reading your previous threads that you are trying to make this work, and he is just... trying. To be with.
...
Forum: Parenting the Gifted Child   11-04-2014, 07:58 AM
Replies: 8
Views: 495
Posted By captain optimism
My son liked the Keva blocks a lot. (Other brand...

My son liked the Keva blocks a lot. (Other brand names are Kapla blocks and Citiblocs.) He also had hours of play with Snap Circuits at that age. The thing about the skinny blocks that's better than...
Forum: Single Parenting   11-02-2014, 03:34 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 237
Posted By captain optimism
Well, obviously I had privilege in this area and...

Well, obviously I had privilege in this area and both had a lawyer and was not worried about my ex getting custody if I died. If other moms think you need a lawyer, you probably need a lawyer!

It...
Forum: Single Parenting   10-29-2014, 12:53 PM
Replies: 8
Views: 237
Posted By captain optimism
My parents paid for me to see a lawyer to do a...

My parents paid for me to see a lawyer to do a will after my divorce. They were very worried about leaving me or my son money and having my ex control it while my son is still a minor. He would get...
Forum: Single Parenting   10-13-2014, 06:55 AM
Replies: 18
Views: 644
Posted By captain optimism
Don't worry about the forum. It used to be that...

Don't worry about the forum. It used to be that you could post in Parents as Partners with the expectation that only people who had been members for a certain amount of time would see it, but I think...
Forum: Single Parenting   10-12-2014, 09:52 AM
Replies: 18
Views: 644
Posted By captain optimism
It sounds like this is going to be difficult, but...

It sounds like this is going to be difficult, but positive. If you are afraid to go back to the house to get your things, you know that you made the right decision to leave. If you're saying he,...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   10-06-2014, 10:47 AM
Replies: 13
Views: 1,411
Posted By captain optimism
Good question, Stormborn, though I do not think...

Good question, Stormborn, though I do not think any amount of parenting experience would make this into a good response to the OP's question. The OP asked for help and advice, not for condemnation....
Forum: Gentle Discipline   09-23-2014, 11:00 AM
Replies: 12
Views: 1,130
Posted By captain optimism
This was the thing that made the biggest...

This was the thing that made the biggest difference for me. When my son was little, he didn't want to put things away AT ALL. Then, when he got older, he was willing but didn't know what to do. The...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   09-11-2014, 10:30 AM
Replies: 4
Views: 566
Posted By captain optimism
Oh honey. :hug I so identify with your...

Oh honey. :hug I so identify with your self-awareness here, with trying to want not to try to be perfect...

Sometimes you have to say no to your child, and it sucks. You acknowledged her feelings,...
Forum: Single Parenting   09-01-2014, 07:35 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 578
Posted By captain optimism
I'm in this situation with my ex paying for...

I'm in this situation with my ex paying for child-related expenses. He pays child support, he just doesn't pay his share of bills we're supposed to split. I really appreciate the words of wisdom...
Forum: Single Parenting   07-13-2014, 09:08 AM
Replies: 5
Views: 859
Posted By captain optimism
I'm 48. My body looks 48, though people often...

I'm 48. My body looks 48, though people often think I'm younger when they look at my dopey face. I have huge boobs. I have stretch marks. I have no idea how my sexy times partner thinks my ladybits...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   07-10-2014, 03:03 PM
Replies: 87
Views: 3,438
Posted By captain optimism
After our earlier discussion of inadvertent...

After our earlier discussion of inadvertent rewards for bad behavior, I tried to remember what it was like when my son was little. It was really hard to recall. Have I been rewarding bad behavior?...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   07-06-2014, 09:47 PM
Replies: 87
Views: 3,438
Posted By captain optimism
This is going to sound too simplistic. I hope. I...

This is going to sound too simplistic. I hope. I stewed over it for a few days trying to think about it.

As adults, we like positive feedback. I would say that most adults don't like to be...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   06-26-2014, 10:16 AM
Replies: 70
Views: 2,589
Posted By captain optimism
This is what I didn't like about using forms of...

This is what I didn't like about using forms of reinforcement with younger children, too. I think it undermines their intrinsic motivations. Plus, we know for sure that all three-year-olds lack...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   06-24-2014, 09:39 AM
Replies: 70
Views: 2,589
Posted By captain optimism
You mean here unintentional behavior mod, right? ...

You mean here unintentional behavior mod, right?

Obviously, there are always times when flexibility is good. I think what I've been objecting to here is your insistence that stating the rule is...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   06-24-2014, 06:26 AM
Replies: 70
Views: 2,589
Posted By captain optimism
But to me, this is basically the same thing is...

But to me, this is basically the same thing is worrying that you are rewarding bad behavior if you give a kid a hug to end a tantrum. The child is not a puppy. You don't train him by reinforcing good...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   06-24-2014, 06:09 AM
Replies: 70
Views: 2,589
Posted By captain optimism
Yes, there is a parenting philosophy that says...

Yes, there is a parenting philosophy that says not to manipulate the child's behavior with reward and punishment. It is the one espoused by Alfie Kohn in his book Unconditional Parenting. Kohn goes...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   06-22-2014, 09:51 AM
Replies: 70
Views: 2,589
Posted By captain optimism
That is not what you described in your post. You...

That is not what you described in your post. You didn't describe leaving the child to play by himself as part of an age-appropriate building of his inner resources. You said to stop reinforcing bad...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   06-22-2014, 09:39 AM
Replies: 70
Views: 2,589
Posted By captain optimism
Hey, if it's not broken, don't fix it! I look at...

Hey, if it's not broken, don't fix it! I look at the two moms of three-year-olds I see regularly and I think, "Holy cow, that was a hard age," and also, "Wow, they learn a lot at that age!" If she...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   06-22-2014, 09:04 AM
Replies: 70
Views: 2,589
Posted By captain optimism
I disagree with this. It's very behavioristic....

I disagree with this. It's very behavioristic. Children are young humans who are acquiring language. If you "ignore" them in the way you're describing, it's a form of punishment. It's basically a...
Forum: Gentle Discipline   06-22-2014, 08:27 AM
Replies: 15
Views: 1,144
Posted By captain optimism
I don't have the good fortune to have to manage...

I don't have the good fortune to have to manage all these siblings. It really sticks out to me that you say that this child did well in kindergarten and has trouble playing with his siblings at home....
Forum: Single Parenting   05-22-2014, 01:00 PM
Replies: 7
Views: 512
Posted By captain optimism
Wow, I'm glad to hear that you're moving forward...

Wow, I'm glad to hear that you're moving forward on separation. I hope it will be a very good thing for everyone in your family. 
 
You could move all the children into your room but not into your...
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