My question is one that nags at me frequently. I am a feminist and I believe intellectually that women's work is often devalued. Yet I find myself in a situation where I am devaluing my own work and wondering if I am expecting too much of dh when it comes to equitable division of labor in our household.
Here's the background: dh and I are both full-time students. Admittedly, his program is more demanding than mine--18 credits a semester in a graduate program in architecture--but we both attend the same competitive university and my schoolwork (13 credit hours in an undergraduate program--double major in Chinese and Spanish) is also incredibly demanding. Dh also has a job because we really need the money. During the school year, we don't always see a lot of him because he and I sort of have an understanding that his schoolwork is going to be a priority (I don't mean a priority in the sense that if we really needed him or something happened we wouldn't take priority--in that case of course we would. I just mean school comes first for him as long as I am available to be with dd, which I mostly am.) and I will take care of dd when I'm not in class. I am very happy to do this. I cherish my time with my dd and am glad to work on school stuff at home.
Also, I should note, dh is a very loving father and shares child-rearing responsibilities with me pretty equitably when he is home.
Also, though, he was raised by a mother who, although she was a doctor and quite a pioneer for her generation, also put food on the table for her boys EVERY NIGHT, then did all the dishes and cleaned the house herself, even though she worked outside the home as much as her dh, my fil. I worry that that's the model that he has, that he expects me to be this superwoman like his mom is.
My problem, though, is that when he *doesn't* have work or school, he isn't inclined to *anything* around the house. Sometimes I hate that I'm the ONLY one who every cooks, and then I end up cleaning up all the dishes, too. Or I have to ask him to set the table or clear the table or clean up the dishes. I feel that I'm pretty understanding of his demanding schedule and don't expect him to contribute a lot at home. But I find myself resentful that he doesn't do more sometimes. I would be soooo delighted if he'd just come home once and say, "Hey, babe, why don't you sit down and relax, I'm going to make dinner tonight." I know that I don't work outside the home like he does, but running a household and raising our child is work, too, and I get tired, too, and don't always feel like making a nice dinner and then doing all the dishes, either.
Then I feel guilty, like he works so hard and I'm expecting too much of him. But I wonder if this is just internalized female guilt at asking for what you deserve. I don't know. So my question is this: how are household chores divided in your families. SAHMs, what do you expect of your DHs? Thoughts, anyone?
Here's the background: dh and I are both full-time students. Admittedly, his program is more demanding than mine--18 credits a semester in a graduate program in architecture--but we both attend the same competitive university and my schoolwork (13 credit hours in an undergraduate program--double major in Chinese and Spanish) is also incredibly demanding. Dh also has a job because we really need the money. During the school year, we don't always see a lot of him because he and I sort of have an understanding that his schoolwork is going to be a priority (I don't mean a priority in the sense that if we really needed him or something happened we wouldn't take priority--in that case of course we would. I just mean school comes first for him as long as I am available to be with dd, which I mostly am.) and I will take care of dd when I'm not in class. I am very happy to do this. I cherish my time with my dd and am glad to work on school stuff at home.
Also, I should note, dh is a very loving father and shares child-rearing responsibilities with me pretty equitably when he is home.
Also, though, he was raised by a mother who, although she was a doctor and quite a pioneer for her generation, also put food on the table for her boys EVERY NIGHT, then did all the dishes and cleaned the house herself, even though she worked outside the home as much as her dh, my fil. I worry that that's the model that he has, that he expects me to be this superwoman like his mom is.
My problem, though, is that when he *doesn't* have work or school, he isn't inclined to *anything* around the house. Sometimes I hate that I'm the ONLY one who every cooks, and then I end up cleaning up all the dishes, too. Or I have to ask him to set the table or clear the table or clean up the dishes. I feel that I'm pretty understanding of his demanding schedule and don't expect him to contribute a lot at home. But I find myself resentful that he doesn't do more sometimes. I would be soooo delighted if he'd just come home once and say, "Hey, babe, why don't you sit down and relax, I'm going to make dinner tonight." I know that I don't work outside the home like he does, but running a household and raising our child is work, too, and I get tired, too, and don't always feel like making a nice dinner and then doing all the dishes, either.
Then I feel guilty, like he works so hard and I'm expecting too much of him. But I wonder if this is just internalized female guilt at asking for what you deserve. I don't know. So my question is this: how are household chores divided in your families. SAHMs, what do you expect of your DHs? Thoughts, anyone?