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Dividing the housework--or not!

568 views 32 replies 26 participants last post by  stayinghome 
#1 ·
My question is one that nags at me frequently. I am a feminist and I believe intellectually that women's work is often devalued. Yet I find myself in a situation where I am devaluing my own work and wondering if I am expecting too much of dh when it comes to equitable division of labor in our household.

Here's the background: dh and I are both full-time students. Admittedly, his program is more demanding than mine--18 credits a semester in a graduate program in architecture--but we both attend the same competitive university and my schoolwork (13 credit hours in an undergraduate program--double major in Chinese and Spanish) is also incredibly demanding. Dh also has a job because we really need the money. During the school year, we don't always see a lot of him because he and I sort of have an understanding that his schoolwork is going to be a priority (I don't mean a priority in the sense that if we really needed him or something happened we wouldn't take priority--in that case of course we would. I just mean school comes first for him as long as I am available to be with dd, which I mostly am.) and I will take care of dd when I'm not in class. I am very happy to do this. I cherish my time with my dd and am glad to work on school stuff at home.

Also, I should note, dh is a very loving father and shares child-rearing responsibilities with me pretty equitably when he is home.

Also, though, he was raised by a mother who, although she was a doctor and quite a pioneer for her generation, also put food on the table for her boys EVERY NIGHT, then did all the dishes and cleaned the house herself, even though she worked outside the home as much as her dh, my fil. I worry that that's the model that he has, that he expects me to be this superwoman like his mom is.

My problem, though, is that when he *doesn't* have work or school, he isn't inclined to *anything* around the house. Sometimes I hate that I'm the ONLY one who every cooks, and then I end up cleaning up all the dishes, too. Or I have to ask him to set the table or clear the table or clean up the dishes. I feel that I'm pretty understanding of his demanding schedule and don't expect him to contribute a lot at home. But I find myself resentful that he doesn't do more sometimes. I would be soooo delighted if he'd just come home once and say, "Hey, babe, why don't you sit down and relax, I'm going to make dinner tonight." I know that I don't work outside the home like he does, but running a household and raising our child is work, too, and I get tired, too, and don't always feel like making a nice dinner and then doing all the dishes, either.

Then I feel guilty, like he works so hard and I'm expecting too much of him. But I wonder if this is just internalized female guilt at asking for what you deserve. I don't know. So my question is this: how are household chores divided in your families. SAHMs, what do you expect of your DHs? Thoughts, anyone?
 
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#2 ·
I won't comment on your situation cuz I think it's something spouses have to decide for themselves but I'll talk about how it works in our home.

DH works from home. He's semi-retired. He works a few hours a week on computer. Sometimes more, though, certain months or if something in particular needs his attention. He also travels for a week overseas every two months as part of his work. We also homeschool. This is all to just give you background info.

He does the litterbox (we have two cats), feeds the cats, takes out trash and recycling, vacuums most of the time, and does the dishes every morning and sometimes again if needed in the evening.

I cook (plan meals also), do laundry, make beds and change linen (with a bit of help with duvets from DH), do touch-ups to his cleaning of the kitchen (clean counters, sink, fridge and pantry tidying), clean bathrooms and toilets, clean our bedroom and do all the organizing of closets and linens, etc, and take DD to her classes.

Last semester, DD had more classes so DH took her to one of them and I took her to the rest.

We both tidy the living room and DD's bedroom.

It's still a bit one-sided but I'm pretty happy with the way it is right now. If there was one thing I'd change, it wouldn't be about DH...I'd love it if DD helped out more! LOL
 
#3 ·
Thank you for your reply. I should also have noted that dh exclusively cleans out the cats' litter (I stopped doing when I was pregnant with dd and haven't done it since) and he also takes out the trash and does the "manly" things like mow the grass in summer and shovel the snow in winter (which has kept him plenty busy this past week here in Michigan!). Writing this makes me think I'm being expecting too much of him again. But these feelings of resentment rise enough that I feel like I need to question where they come from and why they're there...
 
#4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by KaraBoo View Post
I won't comment on your situation cuz I think it's something spouses have to decide for themselves but I'll talk about how it works in our home.

DH works from home. He's semi-retired. He works a few hours a week on computer. Sometimes more, though, certain months or if something in particular needs his attention. He also travels for a week overseas every two months as part of his work. We also homeschool. This is all to just give you background info.

He does the litterbox (we have two cats), feeds the cats, takes out trash and recycling, vacuums most of the time, and does the dishes every morning and sometimes again if needed in the evening.

I cook (plan meals also), do laundry, make beds and change linen (with a bit of help with duvets from DH), do touch-ups to his cleaning of the kitchen (clean counters, sink, fridge and pantry tidying), clean bathrooms and toilets, clean our bedroom and do all the organizing of closets and linens, etc, and take DD to her classes.

Last semester, DD had more classes so DH took her to one of them and I took her to the rest.

We both tidy the living room and DD's bedroom.

It's still a bit one-sided but I'm pretty happy with the way it is right now. If there was one thing I'd change, it wouldn't be about DH...I'd love it if DD helped out more! LOL
Can you clarify whether you have a job that results in a 1099 or a job that results in hugs and kisses?
 
#5 ·
I don't know what you are trying to ask me there, Ruth. I won't allow myself to feel insulted until I know what your intention was...I get the feeling you are trying to say that I only want the hugs and kisses of my husband in payment for helping keep our combined household afloat? Is that what you are saying?

OP, I didn't say you were asking too much of him. I think we women get into the trap of thinking that quite often. It's perfectly OK to expect a grown man to contribute to the running of the household he shares. What that contribution is exactly is up to you two. And that is why I didn't offer advice on your particular situation and only recounted mine.
 
#6 ·
I might not want to jump in on this, but I assumed Ruth was asking if you were a stay at home mom (results in hugs and kisses) or a work at home/outside the home mom (results in a 1099).
 
#7 ·
We share equally in the chores. Right now, we both work. But, our work is unusual in that we can set our own times, and we can do it from home (though he does have an office outside the home as it's easier).

Once we do have a baby, I'll probably lessen my work load. But, beyond that, we'll share 50/50. Not everyday 50/50 ... just on average, I mean. If I'm tired one day, then he'll do more and vice versa.

I think it's perfectly understandable to expect that a grown adult contribute to the running of the household. Especially since you're both students, and neither of you is a full time SAHP.
 
#8 ·
For my family, I get stuck with the housework and I resent it like heck. I'm studying, parenting four kids (one is at home, one is at part-time preschool) and caring for my FIL, so the domestic arts just aren't on my mental schedule.
What is really bugging me, though, is that my parents modelled a 50/50 split of domestic duties. Mum cleaned the bathroom, dad hoovered the whole house and I did the dusting. Mum cooked, dad washed up. Laundry was woman's work, grass, mud, power tools and cars were man's work. They both worked, and this was just how things were done. I miss that, and I wish that's how my marriage worked. My DH grew up with a superwoman mom, whereas my FIL expects to be waited on hand and foot, and that dynamic keeps trying to creep into our relationship.
 
#9 ·
We don't really divide the housework. I just do it. I'd really rather clean my own bathroom and kitchen, I mop the house because if I have to mop up a spot, I might as well handle the whole thing, I clean the other areas of the house, and I cook because if he did it, we'd have scrambled eggs and a hunk of red meat for dinner every night. DH handles the trash and as long as he picks up his weights/work out gear, I'm happy.

I'm cool with it because it feels good to take care of my family and on the occassions that he does clean or make dinner, it's a real treat.
 
#10 ·
I do most of it. Dh works full time and goes to school. I work full time as well but have changed my schedule so I can drop my oldest son off at school and pick him up.

The reason I do most of it is because I'm the one who cares the most. I want my family to eat certain things and I like planning that and cooking it. I'm a bit obsessive about my house while dh doesn't care if his socks sit on the floor the next morning. Because these are my things, it doesn't cause much friction. The things dh cares about, the lawn, etc, he does because he has an opinion. I honestly don't care if the lawn ever gets mowed.
 
#11 ·
This is on my mind too. I don't have any answers but here's my experience to date:

For background, both my husband and I grew up in homes where the chores were constant pitched battles - screaming and really demeaning stuff, both between our parents and from our parents down to us. So it's a very emotional area for us. In the beginning of our marriage we fought about it a lot,

Around 7 years ago, although we were both working full time (no kids) I took over the vast majority of it just to end the argument. Not resentfully (it took time to get there) but as a gift to our marriage. So I moved my energy from trying to make things equal or to motivate two adults to just getting the chores done in the least amount of time and effort possible. I decluttered my and our shared things, changed how things were arranged, put down a new floor in one room so that it was much lower maintenance, and basically just got really good at keeping the house pretty decent (I kind of modified the FlyLady approach).

Then, ha ha, we had a baby. And we moved to a larger home (although in some ways easier to maintain.) And then I went back to work full time, so now we both work full time and we have one preschooler.

We parent very equally, but the chores are still fairly radically tilted towards my responsibility. I do: the planning and shopping, cooking, cleaning (although my husband does do a great job of cleaning up after himself and say, cleaning the bath tub after giving my son a bath), decluttering, laundry, bill paying and financial planning, and more than half the outdoor work. I also take care of my own car for the most part. He does the cat litter about 2/3 of the time, some home maintenance things like gutters and furnace filters, some of the yard work, and as I said he's really quite tidy as he goes along, wipes out the sink, etc. He also jumps in if needed - he's not just sitting there saying "do it woman" or something.

I still am finding it hard to maintain. There's just a lot MORE to do, especially around tidying and decluttering, and also, my time with my son (and energy to be really present for him) is limited and so I don't like to spend it all on chores. Also, I'm concerned about what it teaches my son that I'm doing a big lion's share of it.

So we're kind of opening it up again. The break in the arguing was really necessary for us, and I feel like we have made good choices about priorities - love and marriage first, parenting second, home third. Ideally I would like us to spend a set time all together cleaning up, at least, but that model is exactly where the screaming started for both of us, so we have to walk into it slowly.

Anyways, hope this gives you some insight somewhere.
 
#12 ·
This is a hard one for me too. DH's mom is the superwoman type and my mom was a single parent. So in a way, I feel like we both subconsciously expect the woman to do it all - but I don't want to!

Then there is the problem of standards - if my cleaning/cooking standards are higher than DH's, can I really expect him to do it my way? What if his standards include a sink full of dirty dishes and every horizontal surface piled up with "stuff"? And in the short term it's just easier to do it myself sometimes. I have to admit I'm really worried about what will happen once we have kids, how will we re-balance this (or will we?) and still survive as a couple?
 
#13 ·
I love how you framed the chore wars in feminist terms. I found the old feminist chesnut, Hochschild's Second Shift, great post-motherhood reading. I WOH 4 days a week and DH WOH full-time (really, 6 days a week, 1 from home), so he feels that I should do more. I feel that I take the paycut (and prestige) tradeoff because I want to attend to DD, not because I am any kind of happy housekeeper. We bickered about this regularly and finally in a big fight he disclosed that he cannot deal with my constantly "attacking" him (I would say reminding him of things undone). I made the decision to live with inequity and he opened up the pursestrings to have more of the cleaning work outsourced. So now, I do all dishes and laundry, he does all cooking and making DD's food for daycare, I do all the picking up around the house, and true deep cleaning is done by hired help. I feel okay with hiring help. I don't feel great that I do more, but I remind myself that this is a short-term gig to effectuate MY choices (to work PT) and that we can renegotiate when I go FT or when his job gets less stressful. Basically I refuse to let my work spill over into family life, whereas he chooses to let his so that he can be superachiever.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I took over the vast majority of it just to end the argument. Not resentfully (it took time to get there) but as a gift to our marriage. So I moved my energy from trying to make things equal or to motivate two adults to just getting the chores done in the least amount of time and effort possible.
I love this take on it. I also struggle with bitterness and the inequality of the division of household tasks. My main concern is that our kids will grow up seeing mom do most of it and perpetuate that.
 
#16 ·
Yes, as a couple of pps have mentioned, I worry about my dd and what I'm teaching her by doing all the cooking and cleaning. I love the satisfaction of cooking a lovely meal or having a clean house but I don't want to be the only one who does those things and I don't want dd to learn that women grow up to wait on men!
 
#17 ·
IMO, if you feel resentment, my guess is that you can make a minor change or two and make a big difference. Like maybe your DH can cook dinner once or twice a month. Or perhaps you can accept that asking for help is OK and that your DH probably appreciates that you're giving him a heads-up and clearly communicating your needs.


To be honest, DH and I both WOH far more than 40 hrs/week, so we're typically too busy trying to keep our heads above water to sort out who's doing what, so we're likely not a great example at this current stage in our life.
 
#18 ·
My partner and I split the housework. I sah, but I don't have time to do much more than clean up after ourselves when you factor in all the other stuff we have to do. I am certainly not spending my evenings cleaning while my partner does nothing.
 
#19 ·
Well, maybe this is juvenile, but why can't everyone just make a chore list? Seriously. Involve the kids in it to make it a family affair.

And then if someone slacks on the chore list ... you just leave it alone, until they understand the consequences of slacking on their chores, i.e. no dinner. Or no clean laundry. Or whatever chore it is that they missed.

For instance, if I missed out on my chores, we'd have no clean clothing/sheets, no clean dishes, no groceries. If my partner missed out on his chores, we'd have no dinner and no clean bathrooms/house.

Obviously if one of us is sick or overly tired, the other will step in. However, on an average day, we have our designated tasks. No slacking allowed.


I mean, a marriage or partnership involves two mature, rational ADULTS. Surely a compromise can be reached in terms of dividing up the chores so that no one feels resentment.
 
#20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by PiePie View Post
I do all dishes and laundry, he does all cooking and making DD's food for daycare, I do all the picking up around the house, and true deep cleaning is done by hired help. I feel okay with hiring help. I don't feel great that I do more, but I remind myself that this is a short-term gig to effectuate MY choices (to work PT) and that we can renegotiate when I go FT or when his job gets less stressful. Basically I refuse to let my work spill over into family life, whereas he chooses to let his so that he can be superachiever.
Are we the same person?? This is more or less *exactly* what DH and I have done. i, too, WOH 4 days a week and DH works FT. W

e've also divided the work like you all have, but have also hired the cleaning lady (who also irons!). It was worth every penny.

Yes, I still do more, especially with family management stuff, and I get resentful about it sometimes, especially when I'm overwhelmed with things at work, but DH has slowly started to do more, too, and we've found a good balance.

I realize that hiring a cleaner isn't a viable option financially for a lot of people, but, if it is, think about it! Or even having someone in to do a deep clean once every 4-6 weeks can make a huge difference.
 
#21 ·
Because I am a feminist, I don't believe in "woman's work". You don't need a vagina in order to competently clean a bathroom, why on earth would that job (or any other) be assigned to a particular gender.

Household chores are things that have to be done in order for a dwelling to be inhabitable. You want to inhabit said dwelling, you need to put some chore time in (IMHO).

My husband and I both split the chores 50/50 and always have. It isn't "expecting too much" of him, to believe that he is a capable human who has the tools to clean just as well as I can (at times better). I also don't think that someone helping you do a job devalues your job in any way.

I believe that SAHP are doing the job of childcare which would have to otherwise be paid for while the other parent WOH. Therefore, to me, it doesn't matter whether you are paid in dollars or kisses.

*I am a WOHP, if it matters at all
 
#22 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruth S View Post
Can you clarify whether you have a job that results in a 1099 or a job that results in hugs and kisses?

Quote:
I don't know what you are trying to ask me there, Ruth. I won't allow myself to feel insulted until I know what your intention was...I get the feeling you are trying to say that I only want the hugs and kisses of my husband in payment for helping keep our combined household afloat? Is that what you are saying?
Oh, I *think* Ruth was just trying to find out whether you work outside of the home or not. The hugs and kisses part was, in my reading, just a way of saying - the job that a SAHM does is completely valid work, you just don't get $$. Nothing about hugs and kisses from your husband
 
#23 ·
Household chores have never been an issue for dh and I; I do the cooking, he cleans and does laundry- we pretty much share the rest. But as I was reading along, something that happened the other night came to mind.

Dh started with a new company 5 months ago and needs to work more hours; not a problem and we have prepared and planned for it. He used to pick up our middle dd from hip hop every Friday night at 6. I no longer ask him to because I can't be sure he can be there right at 6 anymore. Last Friday was a crazy night- all three kids had things all at the same time. I was driving all over town picking up, dropping off, picking up, UGH. I had e-mailed dh the schedule earlier in the day. At 6:15, I texted him and asked where he was. He was AT HOME! I was livid! When I got home an hour later, and had calmed down, I asked him why, when he realized he was going to be leaving work at a normal time, did he not call and see if he could help me, since he knew what a crazy night it was. His response? I had it organized so well he figured he would just mess it up. To tell the truth, I was severely PMSing and probably would have told him to go home, I just wanted to be asked, LOL.

I think many times we women make things looks so easy and effortless that our dhs feel that they are extras in our life. I know I am a control freak to an extent, LOL, and like things the way I like them. We have been married a long time and he likes certain things a certain way (hence he does all the laundry and is damn good at it!). Dh really had no clue I would have wanted his help. Sometimes talking with them is the best thing to do.
 
#24 ·
I always thought (hoped) that dh would do more when he was home more. For years and years he worked while I was in school. I put in almost as many hours on school stuff as he did at work, but I did almost all of the house work. (dishes, most of the laundry, bathroom, vaccuuming, etc...)

Now, I work FT and he is home with the kids. He also runs a business after the kids go to bed. His hours now are almost identical to the hours I put into school. I still do 80% of the household stuff. Not much has changed. He helps more than he used to with less complaining, but not nearly half. I get really resentful when he will hold the baby so I can finish cleaning the kitchen.

I hate that as women we worry about burdening them with "our" work. I think about how my kids are going to see me when they are running their own houses. I will die of embarrassment if my son is like dh.

That being said, I try not to fight about it now. I mostly just get mad and clean up. Like now. I am going to go load the dishwasher.
 
#25 ·
This is a big fight a lot of times with DH for the last year or so. For some reason when I got pregnant with DD2 he decided he no longer had to help me around the house. Im still fighting him about it and shes 2 months old. Right now its about 90/10.

Ideally Im trying to get it about 70/30.. mostly because Im not a big fan of how he does laundry (everything gets washed on hot with tons of detergent, both DDs have sensitive skin so a lot of detergent is a no no and hot makes a lot of things shrink) and he can't cook to save his life.. We are working towards getting things where we are both happy and as long as he is willing to work towards it then I can't get to upset at the guy.
 
#26 ·
OP, I'm a feminist too so I totally understand your internal debate.

I work parttime and this is how we've worked it out. First off, I lowered my standards. I do not expect a perfect house and I do not feel any guilt to keep it perfect. DH and I both do not believe in clutter so we don't have lots of stuff to deal with. That helps. I do most of the cooking, the dishes, the laundry and the vacuuming i.e. most of the traditional "women's work." DH does the traditional male work i.e. he empties the trash, takes care of the cars and does all the household maintenance stuff like cleaning gutters. We both work outside doing the yard and gardens.

In all honesty, I LIKE cooking. I grew up in a cooking family and the main cook was my father. I don't really mind doing the laundry either. I do the vacuuming when the dust bunnies reach an unacceptable level.


DH is a natural fix-it guy and does it a lot. We live in a well-maintained house. Nothing is falling apart. He is conscientious about taking care of the cars. DH is a very involved daddy and never hesitates to spend time with DD. He bathes her at night and makes a point of spending time with her every day.

So even though we have ended up in generally traditional roles, I feel like it ends up being pretty evenly divided. We do not have a situation where DH sits around while I run about doing everything. DH does not have the expectations that I will somehow keep a perfect house.

All in all, I don't feel like I've lost my feminist credentials. I feel like we have a partnership and we've worked it out that we each do what we do best and what we like to do best and we respect each others' contribution to maintaining the family and the home.
 
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