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Unhappy in marriage and not sure how to fix it.

449 views 8 replies 7 participants last post by  K-Mom3 
#1 ·
I'm not sure how to fix my relationship. It has gotten out of control rather quickly and took me by surprise.
First off, I think dh and I need to go to counseling. At the moment I don't see that happening. Even assuming we could find free counseling, I'd still need to find free child care. So that's not an option currently.
Dh and I have many issues these days. I have tried every way I can think of to get through to him- I've been direct and told him my needs, been passive aggressive, been confrontational, wrote letters and have ignored him. He flat out refuses to discuss things. He will not have a serious discussion with me. I've made attempts to heal our relationship- suggested things to do together, acted silly and lighthearted to ease the tension, tried to work on myself, etc.
I am starting to think that there may be no way to fix this because he refuses to fix himself or, really, admit that there is a problem.
What do I do with an emotionally closed off spouse and problems that just keep piling up without being resolved?
I appreciate any advice you all have. Thanks!
 
#2 ·
First of all,


I would suggest two things: 1) if you can't get into marital therapy (and do definitely look into it because it sounds like it could really help if dh is willing) then buy some books or look at some stuff online: Marriage Builders seems to be a favorite of a lot of mamas here; there's the Gottman Institute and books like The Passionate Marriage; the New Rules for Marriage; the Dance of Intimacy and probably a billion others (mamas here can suggest favorites).

2) This is really important if you haven't done so, it's what my therapist wisely suggested to me: if you are very seriously unhappy and feel you have tried really hard to make things better and are considering divorce, you may think you have tried everything with dh but what you need to do know is sit him down and tell him you are unhappy and that it's SERIOUS. I know that nothing really changed in my marriage until I sat down with dh and did just that. Since then, things have been really intense. But at least I know we are being honest with each other and that we're doing all we can to make it work.

And let me just say that I do highly recommend finding a book or a therapist that resonate with you and your issues and your values. Because I know that sometimes we have really bad patterns in our relationships and it's very difficult to see what those are as you are trying to work through stuff. You both need to start by being patient with each other and being open to seeing your part in the relationship.

Good luck to you mama!
 
#3 ·
I'm more or less in the same situation. I read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum and found it exceedingly helpful, much more so than MarriageBuilders and other sites on the 'net. What your DH is doing is called "off-the-table-itis", which basically means that nothing is on the table for discussion. My DH operates the same way and that basically makes it impossible to resolve differences. Kirshembaum goes on to say that fighting and miscommunications aren't necessarily a problem, assuming agreements are made, but that when a spouse suffers from off-the-table-itis all bets are off. She devotes and entire chapter on off-the-table-itis and even concludes by saying that most people who leave a spouse who suffers from this condition are happy that they did.
 
#4 ·
I was in your situation. I asked over and over again what was wrong, and asked over and over again how we could fix it. I made lots of suggestions. He told me I was delusional, and told me I watched too much "Dr Phil" and similarly really dismissive things. It was clear he thought it was my problem, not his. There's lots more to the story of course, but we ended up divorcing. I certainly hope your DH wakes up and realizes the severity of the situation. I'm sorry I don't really have any words of advice. But I understand how you feel and how frustrating it is to be in that situation.
 
#5 ·
Thanks for the replies.
I'm going to go to the library tomorrow and check out some books. The title of the Mira Kirchenbaum book sums my thoughts up exactly.
Dh says that to me too- that I watch too much oprah. I guess the fact I've never seen a single episode is besides the point, to him.
I really hope I can get through to him.
 
#6 ·
I also read "too good to leave, too bad to stay" and thought it was helpful. You might also try "the dance of anger," or anything else by Harriet Lerner. I went to see a counselor when I was about where you are now. My X would never go to any kind of counseling, but I went on my own and thought it was worthwhile. The counselor did tell me that sometimes men need a serious wake up call to "get" what's going on. She wasn't telling me to threaten to leave, but she did say she'd seen couples in similar situations and the wife kept trying to figure out what was going on and the husband was oblivious and denied any problem, and then the wife says OK I want a divorce, and the husband says oh wait a minute, you mean you're not happy?? What can we do? Sometimes I do think men need to be hit over the head with something before they're willing to address it. Best of luck to you.
 
#7 ·
Sometimes its helpful to begin by first working on what you can change too though if the problems are not of an immediately threatening nature.

We didn't have the marriage I wanted for quite a while, my husband wouldn't talk or listen about the things I was needing from him. Turned out I wasn't doing a good job of listening to him either or of talking in a way that made him able to hear what I was saying. Concentrating on me, and letting him begin to feel safe helped a lot, and he became really willing to work on things with me (which I'm really thankful for as I know a lot of men are not anywhere near as easy to convince to put the effort in).

I read lots over the last couple of years, I have a whole library of marriage and relationship books lol. Each one has had something important for me and lots of waffle that wasn't really applicable so there hasn't been any one that has made it all make sense but rather a general overall knowledge from reading lots of them that made me realise that it was taking two of us to stay in the cycle we were in.
 
#9 ·
I recently saw the movie "Fireproof" see this website

Warning: it is totally cheesy and not a super movie imo HOWEVER it does have "the love dare" which is a set of steps an individual can follow to try to improve their marriage. I thought of this for you because it sounds like at this point your dh is not cooperating...

Have you asked him if he is happy in your relationship? What does the relationship provide for him? What would he like it to add to his life? It would be nice to know those things. A lot of men don't know the answer to those questions, but it might be worth a try!

Hugs to you...it is really hard when you're trying so hard and dh is not. Hang in there!
 
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