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describe your DH's interactions/involvement as a parent

524 views 27 replies 16 participants last post by  readytobedone 
#1 ·
i can't decide if i'm being unreasonable or not. but it seems like DH, while a loving and responsible father, is kind of checked out as a parent.

let me preface this by saying i am newly pregnant and some of this could be hormonal, but i've been feeling increasingly irritated, and i've been wanting him to step up for awhile. basically, he will parent her fine (as far as i know) if i am out of the house, but as long as i am here, i feel like i am the parent on duty no matter what.

like tonight i told him i need to grade papers/send emails (it's a busy time in the semester for me, since i am teaching 2 college classes and am swamped with grading and administrative details). and i asked him if he could watch her/play with her. well, watching her really entails him sitting there doing something else, like watching TV, or knitting (yes, he knits).

the other night i was exhausted, with a splitting pregnancy headache, and i asked him to take her for awhile, and he said "okay, DD, let's go watch e! news" or whatever he was watching


then of course she gets bored and comes and wants me to play with her.

she's only 2.5. she does play some on her own, but needs frequent redirection and reminders (like, "oh. you want to go get your blocks out? how about we play with play-doh? what about you cook me some soup in your play kitchen?") and then you can kind of do something else, but you have to continually check back in and sort of guide her toward an activity, or she'll just get bored and climb on tables and torture the cats, or whatever 2 year olds do


the last straw for me was i needed to read 40 pages for teaching. i got her ready for bed, gave her a snack, brushed her teeth, nursed her--all in between sending emails to students while DH knitted and watched some plastic surgery show--then asked him to take her up to bed while i went to take a shower. 5 minutes later she's in the bathroom bothering me, and he is still watching TV. i was like "can you come get her?" and she got upset, because i sounded annoyed. i wasn't annoyed at her. i was annoyed at HIM.

i dunno, i just feel like he expects her to completely entertain herself with no help from him. and when i expect more, he then expects ME to do it, since i am the one who thinks the parenting should be different. i don't think the TV should be on 4 hours a night every night with her there. i don't think he should always be doing his thing and expecting her to just hang out and fit herself into his activities. she's 2. she can't just hang out, YK?

we have a whole upstairs, where our 2 bedrooms are, and if i need to email students or read or whatever, i don't get why he can't take her upstairs and play with her. i do that all the time, just to get her away from the TV he is watching
and to get some nice one on one time doing what she wants.

it really worries me, too, now that we have another one on the way...
 
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#2 ·
I'm sorry you are having a tough time with this. It seems to me like you might benefit from having some serious conversations about what you both expect out of parenting. It is hard when they are little and you worry about keeping them supervised every single minute.

My relationship with dh is egalitarian. We both work full time outside the home and share the childcare pretty equally. If anything, he does a little more of it than I do, and I do a little more housework and cooking. He's a teacher and has summers off and is home earlier in the afternoon, so he picks the kids up from afterschool and gets them started with homework. I do the getting them up and on the bus bit.

Dh is a great parent and we are pretty much on the same page. In the beginning, I had to watch my natural inclination to micromanage his parenting and just trust him. In retrospect, I think he's more of a natural with it than I am.
 
#3 ·
Everyone is different. I'm a stay at home parent and my husband works. For the whole first year it was pulling teeth to get him to do anything with our daughter. He didn't enjoy her. She cried a lot when he awkwardly tried to interact with her. She didn't fit into any of his 'patterns' (he has Aspergers) so he just didn't know how to comfort her. Now that she is more person-like and predictable and interactive at 18 months old he spends a lot of time with her. Although if I tell him that I want him to play with her while I do stuff I have to say, "Will you please put your laptop away and go play with Shanna and her toys." Otherwise he will stick a hand in her direction but still mostly ignore her.
It's been a process for us. In our relationship we treat his Aspergers as a disability that requires specific, deliberate adaptation. I give him specific scripts to follow and I give him a lot of direction as to how to behave. I know that isn't something that works for most relationships but it works really well for us. I get what I want, which makes me happy; he gets to feel like he can succeed at pleasing me (a big thing for him); and most importantly he doesn't have any stress around trying to figure out the 'right' thing to do.

If my husband were doing what your husband is doing I would probably tell him, "Ok, this isn't working for me. When I ask you to spend time with our daughter you need to stop doing other things and pay attention to her. That is the kind of direct interaction she needs at this age. If you ignore her then she comes to get that direct interaction from me and it isn't ok for you to abdicate your share of parenting. I need help. If you need downtime we can negotiate that, but you need to be present and available as a parent to her and that means turning off the tv and playing with her." But I'm kind of bossy.
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
Although if I tell him that I want him to play with her while I do stuff I have to say, "Will you please put your laptop away and go play with Shanna and her toys." Otherwise he will stick a hand in her direction but still mostly ignore her.
It's been a process for us. In our relationship we treat his Aspergers as a disability that requires specific, deliberate adaptation. I give him specific scripts to follow and I give him a lot of direction as to how to behave. I know that isn't something that works for most relationships but it works really well for us. I get what I want, which makes me happy; he gets to feel like he can succeed at pleasing me (a big thing for him); and most importantly he doesn't have any stress around trying to figure out the 'right' thing to do.

If my husband were doing what your husband is doing I would probably tell him, "Ok, this isn't working for me. When I ask you to spend time with our daughter you need to stop doing other things and pay attention to her. That is the kind of direct interaction she needs at this age. If you ignore her then she comes to get that direct interaction from me and it isn't ok for you to abdicate your share of parenting. I need help. If you need downtime we can negotiate that, but you need to be present and available as a parent to her and that means turning off the tv and playing with her." But I'm kind of bossy.

that's really helpful, thanks. i think it might make him really defensive if i were this direct. but he must know i am frustrated; i am so b****y sometimes


so what do you guys think is reasonable in terms of interaction vs. doing your own thing and just checking in with the kid? i struggle with this myself. i like to check email or surf the web or whatever and just check in with DD as she needs. but if she needs more, i will put it away and focus on her 100%, and i try to do that some each day, no matter what.

i've brought up my dissatisfaction with the current situation--like, "i need you to deal with her so i can x or y"--and he's always like "well, if you need to do work, then leave." he says it's too hard to play with her and keep her distracted from me. if i need like hours of uninterrupted work time, i do leave. but for the love of god, i am not going to leave in order to send 5 emails and read 40 pages


our evenings go like this:

--he picks her up from daycare (on the days she goes; i am home with her 2 days/week). (that was hard won. i used to do all drop-offs and pick-ups. now i just do drop-offs.)
--i have made dinner, and it's usually ready when they get here, or close to ready.
--he changes clothes while i nurse DD and chat with her.
--i fix DD's food and drink and get her situated at the table.
--we eat and clear the table.
--DH sometimes does chores like dishes or laundry or sorting mail while i play with DD after dinner and then...
--DH settles into the couch and watches TV/reads/knits while i play with DD and tend to her.
--we do this for a couple hours before i either prod him to get her ready for bed, or do it myself (usually i do it myself).
--i do bedtime snack and teeth brushing, unless i specifically ask him to do it every. time.
--snack he can never do because he just says "DD, what do you want?" or else asks me what to feed her. she can't just say one thing she wants; she needs options and he doesn't seem to get that.
--i nurse her, and then he usually puts her to bed, which i think he resents, but i feel like that is the ONLY time of day i get to myself because i am parenting her the rest of the time. he also usually changes her diaper if it needs changing before the last change of the day.
--if he won't put her to bed, and i need to be up to work or i want to watch something on TV, she usually falls asleep on the couch w/us.

in general, i feel like parenting in our house often happens via attrition. one of us digs in our heels and just doesn't do something, forcing the other to do it by default--or it doesn't get done (i mean, all of her basic needs get met, but something like who's going to put her to bed, if we both just silently refuse, she falls asleep on the couch). but we don't talk about it.

we have tried schedules for who puts her to bed which night, and at one point each of us had a night each week to do whatever and not be in charge of her. it worked ok before i was so busy, and pregnant. now i really need him to do more--just logistically, i can't do everything on my plate right now.

i really have no idea how to approach him about this without sounding horrible. tonight i had to bite my lip when she was whining about wanting a snack & i was trying to get in the shower. i really just wanted to yell: "you are a PARENT. so PARENT!"

is there like something i could show him that's a good model of a father parenting or something? i think he needs to see how other households run.
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
i've brought up my dissatisfaction with the current situation--like, "i need you to deal with her so i can x or y"--and he's always like "well, if you need to do work, then leave." he says it's too hard to play with her and keep her distracted from me. if i need like hours of uninterrupted work time, i do leave. but for the love of god, i am not going to leave in order to send 5 emails and read 40 pages


we have tried schedules for who puts her to bed which night, and at one point each of us had a night each week to do whatever and not be in charge of her. it worked ok before i was so busy, and pregnant. now i really need him to do more--just logistically, i can't do everything on my plate right now.

i really have no idea how to approach him about this without sounding horrible. tonight i had to bite my lip when she was whining about wanting a snack & i was trying to get in the shower. i really just wanted to yell: "you are a PARENT. so PARENT!"

is there like something i could show him that's a good model of a father parenting or something? i think he needs to see how other households run.
I bolded the bits I want to respond to. You really don't need to show him a model of a father parenting, you need to figure out how parenting is going to work for the two of you and that is something that you can't get a manual on. (It sucks! I want a manual!!!!)

First bit: check your attitude and use "I" statements. They are annoying and clunky but man do they work.

Second bit: it sounds like you need to schedule a time for a serious conversation. I suggest after kiddo has been put to bed. Ask him what day out of the next few will work best for a talk. Personally I would emphasize that this is not a Serious Talk About Our Relationship because those freak people out. You just want to talk about scheduling stuff.

Third bit: have some concrete ideas about exactly what you would like from him. If you would like him to have some shorter amount of time with her every day, "How about if for 30 minutes every evening after dinner you take her upstairs to one of the bedrooms and play while I get work done" or maybe less often, "I would like to have two evenings a week where I don't do any of the parenting." It will be a huge change for the both of you but you really need to start pushing for this kind of thing. For me being pregnant was a full-time occupation (I got jack-diddly done. It was kind of pathetic) so I'm bowing down before you that you have a job and a two year old and your husband doesn't help much.
I couldn't do it.

Fourth bit: be ready to hold your boundaries and insist on what is agreed to very strenuously. You can't just expect him to change his habits easily because people don't do that. It's not a guy thing, it's a people thing. You will have to remind him often and try to do it without nagging. You know the tone of voice.
If you can maintain a positive tone of voice while helping him remember how to help you then things will probably go better.

I'm pretty sure that's more than just $0.02 so here's a whole bunch for you. Don't spend it all in one place.
: 2cents
 
#7 ·
Overall, when DH and I ran into this, it was as much (if not more) about his husbanding than his parenting. The problem was his seeming indifference to making an effort that actively supported my doing something important -- sometimes to me, sometimes to all of us. Every marriage is different; in our case this situation was a piece of a larger control issue.

Regarding the snacks: do you have room for a dedicated container / shelf / cabinet for snack options? Or a place you could post a list from which DH could present them? Work out the inventory together ahead of time, and maybe he'll feel more comfortable not having to come up with ideas every time and DD will have something more manageable than a wide open question. When she's hungry.

Good luck with the home stretch this semester. It came on fast, didn't it?
 
#8 ·
my dh was like this at first. baby is now 18 months old and it's getting better.

i found i held things in until they make me mad...Which made him feel like I was being b
tchy, and me feeling like getting anything to change was like pulling teeth. that sucked.

During our long talk I explained to him that if he is watching tv for 4 hours, yes it's cool for our almost 19 month old to hang out, watch a little tv, play with toys, etc. BUT that during that time, he is also going to want some interaction.

i think i said something along the lines of: when you make yourself unavailable to ds he comes to me. I need that to not happen. then i feel angry towards you, because i'm trying to get something done or just take a little me time too (because I understand the need to just veg out sometimes TRUST ME!!.)

dh got a little defensive, saying i didn't want him to unwind from work...that he felt like he was already doing everything (that one was a shocker--but it was good for me to hear as well.)...that he tried turning the tv off and reading instead but i still got on his case....a million excuses.

THEN i said...look, I don't care if you read or watch tv...it's when it happens for four hours after work. or 8 hours on the weekend that i start to get pissed. because that leaves me on parent duty the.whole.time.

after that our convo progressed a little.

i just reassured him that there were many times during the day when i didn't feel like being mommy. that ds picks up on it, and is good at amusing himself. but if he is asking for genuine interaction then we should at least give him the courtesy of acknowledging him. only sometimes will it mean the tv go off, or the book get put down (or the internet browser get closed, or the crafty project get abandoned
)

anyway. the progress ebbs and flows. but that's ok by me, cause there has been progress overall, and some weeks he is more "on" than i am. and some weeks i am more "on" than he is. so it might not be equal but it certainly is more fair.

sorry so long. a lot of your post resonated with me.
good luck.
 
#9 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
i can't decide if i'm being unreasonable or not. but it seems like DH, while a loving and responsible father, is kind of checked out as a parent.

let me preface this by saying i am newly pregnant and some of this could be hormonal, but i've been feeling increasingly irritated, and i've been wanting him to step up for awhile. basically, he will parent her fine (as far as i know) if i am out of the house, but as long as i am here, i feel like i am the parent on duty no matter what.
Howdy. Can't reply to how my DH acts, since I am the DH. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I do think there are things that you should make sure you're doing to make it easier for your DH in this kind of situation.

My daughter is much younger than yours, so maybe this is just very different. But she really really prefers her mom to me. If I do activities that she LOVES (like watching Elmo on Youtube until I want to puke), then maybe she'll stay with me instead of trying to find Mom. But more often than not, not.

So. If I'm going to be responsible for DD for a long period of time during which my wife needs to get stuff done, I try to separate myself from my wife. I will take DD into the backyard, or to the park, or for a walk, or DW will go into another room and close the door. It is extremely frustrating if I spend twenty minutes calming DD down and getting her into an activity and then DW walks through the room and resets it all back to DD chanting mamamamamama and trying to get to her.

As a little aside...even though it is irrational...it hurts my feelings how much DD prefers her mom. Maybe your DH feels this a little bit. I mean, of course, DD prefers DW...spends more time with her, has the magic Boob of Happiness, etc. But there's that little prick every time I try to engage DD and it becomes a struggle that DW is kind of oblivious to.
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post
I bolded the bits I want to respond to. You really don't need to show him a model of a father parenting, you need to figure out how parenting is going to work for the two of you and that is something that you can't get a manual on. (It sucks! I want a manual!!!!)

a lot of your suggestions were really helpful. thank you for your many cents


the only thing is, i wonder if maybe he DOES need a model. i say that just because he is a systems person. he is not a relationship person. he just doesn't have a huge interest in caretaking or in making other people "happy," i don't think.

but he does have an interest in calm and harmony so that he can do his thing and be un-stressed.

i think if he saw, "oh, in that family, they do the nighttime routine this way, and the DH does x, and the DW does y, and it works and no one gets ticked off...", it might have some effect.
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MariaMadly View Post

Regarding the snacks: do you have room for a dedicated container / shelf / cabinet for snack options? Or a place you could post a list from which DH could present them?
yes, the crackers and things for her are all together in the cupboard. the other stuff is fridge stuff. i suppose i could try putting it all in one section of the fridge.
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by plunky View Post

My daughter is much younger than yours, so maybe this is just very different. But she really really prefers her mom to me. If I do activities that she LOVES (like watching Elmo on Youtube until I want to puke), then maybe she'll stay with me instead of trying to find Mom. But more often than not, not.
yeah, this could be a factor. but it gets me that i feel like he isn't even TRYING to keep her entertained, then complaining that he can't. watching NFL monday nights or whatever is not going to keep your 2 year old happy. sorry!

Quote:
As a little aside...even though it is irrational...it hurts my feelings how much DD prefers her mom. Maybe your DH feels this a little bit. I mean, of course, DD prefers DW...spends more time with her, has the magic Boob of Happiness, etc. But there's that little prick every time I try to engage DD and it becomes a struggle that DW is kind of oblivious to.
i doubt it. i think i'd have a lot more sympathy if i thought he felt this way. but he is simply not the type to have his feelings hurt over this, and if anything probably likes that DD prefers me because it allows him more freedom.

can you tell my attitude is not good?
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by plunky View Post

So. If I'm going to be responsible for DD for a long period of time during which my wife needs to get stuff done, I try to separate myself from my wife. I will take DD into the backyard, or to the park, or for a walk, or DW will go into another room and close the door. It is extremely frustrating if I spend twenty minutes calming DD down and getting her into an activity and then DW walks through the room and resets it all back to DD chanting mamamamamama and trying to get to her.
ITA with this. My DH is a SAHD, but when I'm home, DD is alllllllll about mama. Since I'm gone most of the day, I do take on most of the parenting responsibility at night, but if I really, really need to get something done (say, on the weekend), I have to totally separate myself from DD. DH will take her upstairs, or I'll go upstairs. Or they'll go outside.

Maybe if you did go lock yourself into the bedroom or something when you need to send emails, etc, your DD and DH will be forced to learn to get along w/o you. I'm not meaning to blame you, at all. Your husband does sound like he needs to get in gear, but just to reduce the frustration on you, I'd say separate and let them deal with what needs to be done.
 
#14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
yeah, this could be a factor. but it gets me that i feel like he isn't even TRYING to keep her entertained, then complaining that he can't. watching NFL monday nights or whatever is not going to keep your 2 year old happy. sorry!
If your husband is into football, asking him to watch your daughter and not watch Monday Night football isn't necessarily a reasonable thing. Your plastic surgery example earlier I had a lot more sympathy for.
 
#15 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by plunky View Post
If your husband is into football, asking him to watch your daughter and not watch Monday Night football isn't necessarily a reasonable thing. Your plastic surgery example earlier I had a lot more sympathy for.
this made me LOL.

he claims not to care about pro ball, but if it's on, he has the TV on.

basically, he likes to have the TV on, either to some weird reality thing, or E! news, or sports, or "mythbusters." there is always something.

i like TV, too. which is why when i am home with DD during the day, i don't turn it on
 
#17 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
this made me LOL.

he claims not to care about pro ball, but if it's on, he has the TV on.

basically, he likes to have the TV on, either to some weird reality thing, or E! news, or sports, or "mythbusters." there is always something.

i like TV, too. which is why when i am home with DD during the day, i don't turn it on

Ah, yeah if it's just noise, then turn it off. I don't watch much TV, but my wife will respect that I want to watch MMA this Saturday for two hours. I think I'm the only guy in Pittsburgh that doesn't watch the Steelers every week.
 
#18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
and when i expect more, he then expects ME to do it, since i am the one who thinks the parenting should be different.
He has equal say in how your daughter is raised...right? If you are telling him how to be with her, well, you are mothering him...and I bet it would be safe to assume that he probably doesn't appreciate that.

It's not fair for you to tell him how he needs to act when he's with dd. That's something you do with a babysitter, not a spouse.

I get it though, totally. I used to be this way with xh all.the.time. And he did what I said...but still, I was being a total hag with him, and it wasn't fair (this wasn't the reason he became "x-h" though...just sayin
)

I get the frustration, though...I do.
 
#19 ·
I agree with all the other PP that you both probably need to have a bit of a tete a tete discussion to work out some basic functions especially at night. DH is the SAHP in our house, and I'm WOHM along with doing grad school right now, its a big bundle of fun with our 2 little ones.

That being said - our night time routine started to become a disaster mostly because we didn't talk to each other and like you mentioned one of us dug in our heels and tried to wait the other one out. Ugh.

In your talk, just mention look can we try to divide up the duties at night and then make provisions if I have to bring home work or do homework, so everything will run smoothly? For example here's our evening routine:

5pm-5:30pm - Me home from work, hugs kisses to all, takes DS2 upstairs, DS 1 follows, changes from work to home clothes.
5:30-6:30pm - Nurse DS2, start dinner or ask DH to start items for dinner (like browning ground beef or taking something out to thaw) DH relaxes on computer, DS1 entertains me with tricks & playmobil and talks about day. I'll cook dinner as planned out on the menu.
6:30-7:30pm Dinner served, eat, relax as family. Start to watch a movie picked out by the DS1
7:30-8pm - Nurse DS2, DS1 goes with DH for bath/shower time, everyone changes into jammies. I typically try to squeeze in either some NAK emails or read a bit if I have work to do.
8pm -8:30pm - DS2 (typically asleep- if not hand off to DH), DS1 & I upstairs for bedtime & stories (3) with a bedtime snack & water.
8:30pm bedtime - tuck DS1 in, nurse DS2 again to sleep and head back downstairs for either homework time, or DH & me snuggle time.

FYI - I know bedtime snacks was an issue, and this is how we handle it. Snacks are limited to 2 choices (e.g. goldfish or nilla wafers) if DS1 ate all his dinner, or he has to have a "healthy" snack (e.g. apple or carrots). This is typically decided at the end of dinner anyways so the message is constant to DS1 of the type of bedtime snack he's eligible for...

The nice thing about the schedule is one we each have our duties. Its sad it took us almost 3 years to come up with it finally though! If we can't do it such as I have a huge paper to write, I just call DH ASAP to let him know if he could handle parts of the night to let me work. I then close our office door from DS1 & DS2 coming in to bug me and DH reminds them I have work. I still come out for certain things (hugs, kisses and etc) but this is a rare thing mostly because its only 3 hours where I have to "parent". This really worked while I was pregnant as I knew what I needed to do, and where I got breaks too.
 
#20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by beansmama View Post
It's not fair for you to tell him how he needs to act when he's with dd. That's something you do with a babysitter, not a spouse..
I agree with this, as long as it is not an issue of safety or morality (we each have "veto" power for something the other does that is we believe is unsafe or highly inappropriate---like "Family Guy" for kids
).

That said, it isn't fair for him to ignore dd knowing that she will go to you looking for attention.

We "tag team" parent a lot, either with both kids, or taking one child each (you will likely need him to engage dd when you are tending to the newborn, etc). Even my 2 yo (3 next month) knows the phrase "off duty", as in "Mommy is off duty right now. You need to ask Daddy for that snack." Be firm and send her back each time, or call him to get her with a "Dd needs help with something!" (don't be specific....let him get up and come tend to her). He hopefully will learn that keeping her engaged enough to stay nearby is less work than leaving the couch to go fetch her from your side 20 times. Of course, you need to be in agreement of who is the "on duty" parent, and when each parent gets "off duty" time.

Let them work out how to manage snacks and little things like that. He might not do it just like you do, and you might do it "better", but that is ok. It is WAY more important for him to feel like a competent parent than to do everything the "ideal" way.
 
#21 ·
a few thoughts...

DD needs choices. Remind him when it's snack time, don't say "what do you want?", say, "do you want cheese and apples, or grapes and crackers?".

DD's attention span for any one activity is about 15 minutes. Provide them with several 15 minute activities. "Hey honey, I've gotta have an hour to myself. You guys should go do xyz upstairs, or go to a park."
 
#22 ·
When I started working from home in March, we really struggled with this at first. In a way, I can see how it is frustrating for dp b/c when I am home all day with dd (2.5) I actually can kind of "do my thing" i.e. check e-mail, do dishes, read a little bit, while she entertains herself. BUT, when he is watching her, if he tries to do other things, she immediately comes running for me (although this is starting to get a little better). But, unfortunately, I have to work too, so it is one of those things that he had to give in on and for the most part he really does give her the one on one interaction the whole time (usually three hours in teh afternoon/evening), which I know is exhausting to do! It took us a while to get here though.

Now, if we are both kind of hanging out, I do try (key word try!) to not micromanage what he is doing while she roams around, although I do feel like most the parenting stuff automatically falls on me (as the SAHP) even on the weekends/evenigns when I am not working, which can be frustrating. But really, neither of us get a lot of free time and I probably end up getting more during those quick breaks during the day that he is not getting between working and having intense interaction with her. I do ask that he not keep the TV on while she is awake.

As I said, it did take a long time to get to this point, and honestly, a lot of the time he actually takes her out (to the park, for instance, when it is nice out) when I am trying to work so that she doesn't have the option of running to me and so that he is not tempted to try to get something else done that might lead to her getting bored and running to me. Might that be an option for you guys, at least for an hour or so?
 
#23 ·
reading through these, i think a lot of the issue is that DD does not go to bed early. it's like 9 pm at the earliest. often more like 10. we have no time to ourselves after that, because whoever puts her to bed usually falls asleep, since she does not fall asleep independently.

i think if we both had a sense that evening parenting is from 5:30-8:30, followed by downtime, things would be a lot better. but it isn't like that for us.

i don't think i tell DH how to parent in a micromanaging way. when i said "i'm the one who thinks parenting should be different," i meant like "i'm the one who thinks when the kid is whining about not being able to reach her blocks in the other room, you should turn off the TV and go help her. or, more precisely, you should just turn the damn TV off from time to time and hang out with her."

expecting him to be responsive to her needs is not nagging, i don't think.
 
#24 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
reading through these, i think a lot of the issue is that DD does not go to bed early. it's like 9 pm at the earliest. often more like 10. we have no time to ourselves after that, because whoever puts her to bed usually falls asleep, since she does not fall asleep independently.

i think if we both had a sense that evening parenting is from 5:30-8:30, followed by downtime, things would be a lot better. but it isn't like that for us.

We have had similar evening issues in the past, and I agree that having a night owl child or two can make it harder for evening parenting. We both want some down time, and we have to tag team each other somewhat equally, or else no downtime.

I resented DH horribly about not being responsive to DD's needs, so that parenting always fell right back on me, especially when I was in school and under pressure to get stuff done. The only encouragement I can offer is that, for us, things improved greatly in the equality department after Child #2. Basically, we each do the bedtime stuff for one child (I do bath, snack etc for DD, and DH bathes and entertains DS in between nursings). If something isn't working, we just do a Kid Trade.
 
#25 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by major_mama11 View Post
We have had similar evening issues in the past, and I agree that having a night owl child or two can make it harder for evening parenting. We both want some down time, and we have to tag team each other somewhat equally, or else no downtime.

I resented DH horribly about not being responsive to DD's needs, so that parenting always fell right back on me, especially when I was in school and under pressure to get stuff done. The only encouragement I can offer is that, for us, things improved greatly in the equality department after Child #2. Basically, we each do the bedtime stuff for one child (I do bath, snack etc for DD, and DH bathes and entertains DS in between nursings). If something isn't working, we just do a Kid Trade.
interesting that you mention that about kid #2. i was thinking along those lines last night...like hmmm, if we had a baby right now, each of us would be a lot harder pressed to try to sit on our butts
i would probably be nursing and caring for the baby, and he'd be playing with DD, or else i'd be tending to DD while he held, changed, rocked the baby.

i know in my heart that DH is fundamentally a good person and caring father and husband. we are just so different in what motivates us. for me, i like responding to DD's needs...it's just exhausting, especially when what i am doing isn't working, and i feel like i want him to step in and try. it makes me feel supported when he steps in and tries to help in a situation that i don't feel like i have under control.

but we talked about it last night, and he's more of the school of thought that if she's frustrated or tantruming, we don't need to jump to help her, whereas i think we do--not "fix it," but to help her process it and make sure she knows we care. he thinks she needs to be upset and work through it on her own, and if we jump to help her, she won't learn. i think there is merit to both styles, but as a child, i needed help, so i am biased toward that route. i think as a child he felt interfered with a lot, so he is biased toward leaving her to work things out on her own.

interestingly, i realized that when she is trying me, and i am losing patience, one reason he doesn't step in is that he doesn't like my interfering when he is parenting her--even if he is getting frustrated and they are arguing. he just likes to either be in charge, or else not be. the whole partnering/tag teaming/intermittently being on duty thing just doesn't work for him, whereas i think it does work for me.

so how do we resolve that? any ideas?
 
#26 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by readytobedone View Post
he just likes to either be in charge, or else not be. the whole partnering/tag teaming/intermittently being on duty thing just doesn't work for him, whereas i think it does work for me.

so how do we resolve that? any ideas?
I'm confused, because his preferred "either be in charge, or else not be" is similar to our model of tag team parenting (I refer them back to dad if he is "on duty", and they have to deal with his answer/response. No running to mommy for a different response.)
 
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