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Weirdest question ever, need an answer ASAP!!!

2K views 55 replies 35 participants last post by  Smylingeyz 
#1 ·
I never thought I'd write a post like this...
DH and I just reconciled after a years separation. We were apart but always trying to work things out, and at all times agreed to remain faithful to our marriage although separated. I've had issues in the past of him lying to me, and in fact just a few months ago found out he was hiding a porn addiction and lying about it. Now we're working through things, our relationship has been amazing, and we just got a place together - we're moving tomorrow. Well last night he had his email up, and I noticed a weird email and clicked on it. It was from ashleymadison.com - a site for people who are looking to have an affair!!!!! He said he had no idea what it was, that it was spam, and pointed to another email to prove that he was getting weird spam. The other email was from adultfriendfinder.com, which turns out he has an old account to, with very detailed personal info so there's no way he can claim it's spam. The first site though, was created shortly after we separated, but right now there's nothing in his inbox or outbox there, I think it's auto erased after 30 days. So I can't prove he did anything, but he wants me to believe someone hacked into some account somewhere and made a profile for him with his personal info! Am I the only one that thinks that's the most idiotic lie ever?
I feel like I shouldn't move tomorrow, or that I need to hire a PI. He's pissed that I won't believe him, but even if this bizarre story was true, how can I believe him when he's lied about sexual issues before?
So my question is, can that stuff really happen with hacking and spam, and what do you all think of this? I feel insane, and now need to work this out by tomorrow!
 
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#2 ·
I think you know the answer. Perhaps one could, but for what motive? It's not too hard, from what I hear to check the IP addresses and verify...

But the bottom line is you still question his loyalty. I would say that's proof enough that the move is too soon.

Of course he's furious...is he supposed to be happy you dont believe him? The truth is if he WAS telling the truth he'd probably just be SAD because he'd realize that he had lied so many times you won't believe the truth, or he'd realize that his relationship has no hope. I think his anger is a cover up for his feeling frustrated that he got caught in such a stupid way. I would take his actions (not deleting his "spam" and leaving it up for you to see) as a sign that deep down he is not ready, and his anger as a sign that he is not ready to let you go either, but not in an I cherish her and the ground she walks on kind of way, more like a I never want her to be with another man sort of way.

I am sorry you are going through this...
You must be beside yourself with questions and sadness and frustration. Liars suck.

On the upside it is not HOPELESS, it may be that he needs to work through his addiction issues. Addiction to porn is like any other addicition, it is impossible to be an addict and not lie to yourself or others. It's a compulsion, but he could get help, IF he wants to, and not just because he wants YOU in his life. He should probably see an addiction specialist oir join a 12 step and be working on his issues for a full year (like in AA) before he allows himself to even consider a romantic relationship again.

And I also think you deserve the right to see other people during that time...you are NOT an addict (are you?) and you should not be left alone to suffer while he sorts his stuff out. You deserve to see if there are better people out there for you, and at the very least be SHOWN how wonderful you are. It's totally up to you, but you shouldn't be held captive, he has been cheating on you emoitionally with his additiction (the same would be true if it was drugs or alcohol, his addicition replaced his loyalty to you, full stop) and it's only fair that you are given the freedom to truly explore if he is what you want.
 
#3 ·
Dunno, taking into consideration he lied before and visited websites like that - it is most certainly possible that it was just spam, but I wouldn't believe him just as well.

I get spam for Viagra! Who knows how they have my e-mail? I most certainly don't need it and don't use it.
In our PUBLIC SCHOOL DISTRICT email accounts, we were receiving "Russian Bride" emails, that are now filtered by spam guard, but still, they were coming in pretty regularly. So, yes, it's possible it was just spam.

None of that matters, though, if you have that little trust in your partner.

I don't care what e-mail I would see on DP's account, I would believe his "spam" story in a heartbeat. But in 9 years he never gave me a reason to question him, kwim?
 
#5 ·
I'm so sorry. I can imagine how happy and excited you were at being able to work things out with your dh.

Yes, I think it can happen that someone can set up a profile on a website with someone else's personal info or hack into someone's profile on a website and change things. My 28yo ds and his friends do it to each other on MySpace and Facebook all the time as a joke. I've also had problems in the past of getting so much spam in my email that I couldn't stop that I finally had to dump that email account. Some of it was normal stuff but some of the spam was porn. I have no idea why I was getting it. I think it's rather easy to visit a site that takes your info and uses it or sells it.

That being said, with your dh's history, I probably wouldn't believe him either. It seems that in a year's time he would've either been able to get rid of all those random spam emails or would change emails so he didn't have to worry about them anymore. The issue at this point isn't whether or not he's lying. There's no way you'll be able to know that for sure unless you catch him on one of those sites actually chatting with someone. The issue is you don't trust him and you have good reason. I have a very short list of things I will absolutely not put up with in a relationship, abuse, lying and deceit. Next to safety trust is the most important thing in a relationship. So, don't let him make you feel guilty for not believing him. You've got every reason not to and it's his fault. He's the one who should still feel bad for how he behaved before even if he's not doing any of that anymore and understand why you are so afraid.

In that situation, I don't think I would be able to move back in with him. It's so important to do everything possible to keep a marriage in tact when there are children involved. But sometimes it just can't be. If both people aren't completely committed to doing whatever it takes to fix things, the marriage just won't work, imo. Don't sell yourself short. Don't settle because you feel the burden of obligation or duty. Listen to your gut and do what you need to do for yourself.
 
#8 ·
If it was spam, it wouldn't have a created profile attached to it. When he watched porn, he went thru hacker sites and never entered personal information or paid for anything. So if he didn't create it it doesn't make sense that it has his height, weight, build, ethnicity, and detailed sexual preferences...
Some good replies, thanks. At this point I just dunno if I should try getting the truth out of him and tell him I won't move in till he comes clean, or if I should just call it quits. I don't want to split over something that I can't prove whether he's telling the truth or not, but I can't keep being surprised with devastating information every time I think I can start to trust him again. Things have been so much better, I want to believe him, but my gut tells me no, so I have to listen to that. I want to hire a PI if only for my own peace of mind, but I'm guessing that's incredibly pricey. I'm very strong, and can handle the truth I think... and that's all I want at this point. I'd hate to commit myself to someone and then find out it was a waste of my time and life. I've felt that way before, and don't want to be in the dark about anything affecting such a major life choice. It's my life, I should have the right to a fully informed decision, kwim?
 
#9 ·
It sounds like there are serious trust issues and probably other issues as well. You don't have to justify waiting to commit to him. I would wait just based on the fact that you think you should wait. Maybe he did make this profile, maybe not. That's not really the point. The point is that you don't trust him yet. Wait to build that trust before you put yourself into a vulnerable situation.

I don't know what steps or deposits or leases have been signed at this point, but it might be something to look into.
Lisa
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Smylingeyz View Post
If it was spam, it wouldn't have a created profile attached to it. When he watched porn, he went thru hacker sites and never entered personal information or paid for anything. So if he didn't create it it doesn't make sense that it has his height, weight, build, ethnicity, and detailed sexual preferences...
I think this is probably correct. Unless he has someone either out to get him or someone who is playing a joke, he had to have set up the account/profile at some point. I don't think there's any point in trying to get the truth out of him. You don't need to waste your time and emotional energy. Backing a person in a corner and demanding the truth rarely results in the truth. I agree with the PP who said reacting with anger is probably a sign of guilt. He's acting defensive. If he hadn't done anything, he probably would've reacted with sadness at the loss of trust. Stop trying to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense. Like Judge Judy says, if it doesn't make sense, it isn't the truth. Trust your gut.
 
#11 ·
As I was reading I was thinking I was going to say that it was possible that it was spam left over from his porn addiction days.

Then I read this,

Quote:
So I can't prove he did anything, but he wants me to believe someone hacked into some account somewhere and made a profile for him with his personal info!
Sure that's theoretically possible, but it's a lot less likely.

I would suggest that if you're not already you look into a counselor of some kind. You might need a neutral third party to hep you guys past what seem like pretty serious (and justified) trust issues.
 
#12 ·
I would be inclined to believe it is his account. I suppose it's possible one of his "friends" set up an account with his email addy, but I don't think it's likely. I've been through something like this with my DH. I still don't know if I really believe him or not, but he had an adultfriendfinder account a number of years ago. I actually set up a fake account for me to go searching for him, but it's been years. If you DH entered his email on a porn site, he may get spam email from other sites (such as buying Viagra), but I don't think it would be linked to a profile. If the email he says is spam says something like "Bob, come back and see who checked out your profile!" then he probably has/had an account at one point. It may have been a while back and it doesn't necessarily mean that he ever met anyone, but probably at some point he at least created an account.
 
#13 ·
A generic spam-type e-mail would be believable. A full, accurate profile is not, IMO.

I heard an ad for that ashleymadison site on the radio a few months back and was rather appalled at how they just blatantly advertised facilitating extramarital affairs.
I'm so sorry for the pain you must be experiencing.
 
#14 ·
if there's a profile attached then it's not spam. Your gut is telling you what you need to know, when you need to know it.

If he has an addiction he should probably seek treatment with an addiction specialist, in the case of porn addiction the person would likely be a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) and there are 12 step groups (SAA). By joining a site like ashleymadison it sounds like his addictive behavior has escalated or is escalating.

You might also consider therapy for yourself in dealing with his addiction and moving forward in your life (either with or without him).
 
#16 ·
I am forever getting offers of miracle cures to extend the size and girth of my penis.
...it's not like I have a unisex or masculine name.

eta: Clearly none of those sites have an accurate profile for me
 
#17 ·
We are both in counseling. Him to work on his issues, me to deal with the trauma he's put me through. We're supposed to finally start going together next week, our counselor thinks we're "ready". I am starting to think though that sex addiction counseling is a good idea for him.
So I just spent all day texting back and forth with him. I told him I wouldn't be moving into the house with him because I can't take that step with someone who isn't willing to be totally honest, and he said it was fine because he was gonna move back in his parent's 2nd home. As if we haven't already signed a lease, and it's no big deal. So after some arguing, he told me he did make the accounts, that he didn't tell me because he was just curious and didn't do anything with it, and so it was no big deal. I think some stuff is gonna hit the fan when he gets home, there's only so much you can say via texting, but now that he's admitting to it, it opens the door to way more questions. He outright lied repeatedly last night, saying it wasn't his profile, he'd never heard of the site, it was spam, etc more bs etc. If it was no big deal, why did he lie, what else has he compulsively lied about, etc???
I've dealt with his lying way too many times. Originally it was that he lied about lots of things when we were dating, because he knew if I knew who he had been then I'd never be with him. Tricked me into marrying him essentially. When I found out one thing, he'd be all sorry and swear that was the only thing he lied about. This happened a few times, till finally he told me everything that was left because he felt bad seeing me totally devastated every time I found out something new. We spent a year separated, and he was acting so sorry and like he wanted to prove that he was getting help and I could trust him again. Well I started to slowly trust him again, and then found his computer full of porn. He got mad, gave me a retarded story that I couldn't believe, and it wasn't till I wouldn't give him sex for 2 weeks that he finally told me he had a porn addiction. And again, swore there was nothing more he was hiding. This pattern is too familiar at this point.
I want to be with him (well not right this moment cuz I'm mad), he has gotten help and has rectified pretty much all his issues. And has been consistently better for months. So now for this to come up again, I'm very worried, but also surprised. This email that I found was from when we were separated, as was the porn, so I guess he just had no concept of fidelity while we were separated, even though we were seeing each other a ton and agreed to remain faithful. I almost feel stupid for keeping my end of the bargain now...
I can't keep moving forward and forgiving and then finding a new problem. This is ridiculous. I feel like an idiot for staying, but looking back I know things are so much better and these issues are from months ago at least, so I don't know how to react I guess. I've always been quick to walk away if I couldn't trust someone, but he seems to try so hard and feel so bad when he hurts me. Maybe he just plays the game well, but I feel like if there's any hope for him then I want to stay and make this work...
 
#18 ·
So how would the hacker have his personal info? If it was one of his "friends" would they really put accurate info? My DH specializes in information security, he thinks if the personal info is accurate, it is unlikely it was a hacker, unless he entered that info for another site. One of his friend had his email hacked by another friend and signed him up for all sorts of porn sites, but also made him gay, into bondage, and searching for anonymous sex with people dressed up in fur animal costumes. It was very obvious.
 
#20 ·
Well I went through the EXACT same thing, I could have wrote your store. Found the hidden stuff, the account on ashleymadison.com, yup all the same.

It was 4 years ago this summer and well we're still together fighting it out. I'm still fighting the trust that was broken, trust I had had in him for almost 10 years at that point.

to you!!
 
#21 ·
Smyling. This is such a hard situation. It's so hard to give up on a dream or fantasy or wish of how you want things to be. You are not stupid and you are not an idiot. You are woman with a good heart who wants to lover her husband and keep your marriage in tact. There is nothing wrong with that. Each of us has to decide what she is willing to accept and what she isn't. Only you can decide what is best for you and your family.

That being said, I think it might be a good idea for you to take a break from him. Focus on yourself and what you want. Make sure you aren't dependent on him for the wrong reasons. Trust, imo, is the most important part of a relationship. If you can't trust your partner, you can not be truly close and intimate with him. I wish I could give you a real hug.
 
#22 ·
Thank you so much everyone. Your input has been very helpful and empowering
We did just have a good conversation, and I don't know exactly what plan we're going to follow, but I believe it will involve some kind of short-term separation. While he gets more help or something. He is very sincere and trying I believe, part of it is a major lifestyle change for him. It's no excuse for his behavior, especially the deception, but he was raised with zero guidance or moral background of any kind, and after he had a major car accident (which he shouldn't have survived) and met me he wanted to become Catholic (I am very conservative even as Catholics go)
I gave him no pressure, and he insists this is really what he wants and feels it is right, esp compared to his previous lifestyle. He admits, though, that it is hard, and a long process. So maybe I need to be more understanding, as long as he is honest with me. That is the key issue. Thanks so much everyone. This is hard, but maybe not hopeless yet.
 
#23 ·
You say you are considering moving forward in the relationship...what tangible things have you both discussed about this addiction? Are you looking into specifics like no access to the computer? Does he believe he has an addiction? Does he want accountability?

IMO the problem isn't that he has an account. The problem is that he didn't own up to it. Instead he started reaching....reaaaalllly far. That doesn't sound like an improvement at all.
 
#24 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by hakeber View Post
I think you know the answer. Perhaps one could, but for what motive? It's not too hard, from what I hear to check the IP addresses and verify...

But the bottom line is you still question his loyalty. I would say that's proof enough that the move is too soon.

Of course he's furious...is he supposed to be happy you dont believe him? The truth is if he WAS telling the truth he'd probably just be SAD because he'd realize that he had lied so many times you won't believe the truth, or he'd realize that his relationship has no hope. I think his anger is a cover up for his feeling frustrated that he got caught in such a stupid way. I would take his actions (not deleting his "spam" and leaving it up for you to see) as a sign that deep down he is not ready, and his anger as a sign that he is not ready to let you go either, but not in an I cherish her and the ground she walks on kind of way, more like a I never want her to be with another man sort of way.

I am sorry you are going through this...
You must be beside yourself with questions and sadness and frustration. Liars suck.

On the upside it is not HOPELESS, it may be that he needs to work through his addiction issues. Addiction to porn is like any other addicition, it is impossible to be an addict and not lie to yourself or others. It's a compulsion, but he could get help, IF he wants to, and not just because he wants YOU in his life. He should probably see an addiction specialist oir join a 12 step and be working on his issues for a full year (like in AA) before he allows himself to even consider a romantic relationship again.

And I also think you deserve the right to see other people during that time...you are NOT an addict (are you?) and you should not be left alone to suffer while he sorts his stuff out. You deserve to see if there are better people out there for you, and at the very least be SHOWN how wonderful you are. It's totally up to you, but you shouldn't be held captive, he has been cheating on you emoitionally with his additiction (the same would be true if it was drugs or alcohol, his addicition replaced his loyalty to you, full stop) and it's only fair that you are given the freedom to truly explore if he is what you want.


YES...all the above.
 
#26 ·
Um, about the head injury, I don't think so. Any yes I agree that the issue is the dishonesty, and it shows there has been less improvement than I thought. I still need to check his story, but he said he and some guys from school heard about the site and all went on together to look. Just messing around kinda thing. I told him he's gonna have to put me in touch with someone who can back up that story. Thing is, if that was the case, why would he lie? He admits he has a porn problem, and maybe needs help. He still claims he hasn't watched any porn in about 6 months, but admits it's really hard not to sometimes. We've been living with fam for months now, and have had to get our internet by leeching off the neighbor, so not only have we had much computer access but he hasn't really had the time or privacy to look at porn. So I believe that it's been awhile. Once we move though, we're really excited about getting internet (we both want to get back on WoW, but I'm nervous cause he has had an addiction to it in the past). Someone in my fam already gave me the idea that maybe a condition to me not leaving should be that we have no computer, and that he gets sexual addiction help. I like that idea, but he's such a geek/gamer I don't want to kill him either. He just got a 2nd job, and he'll have less time to be online (but also less time to be with his fam), so I feel like it'd be torture to take internet from him. On the up side though, he'd spend more time with us and I've noticed a huge difference in his connection to me and his behavior in general whenever he has to spend less time online and more time in reality. Maybe this ultimatum would be the best thing for him, if it doesn't kill him. I hate ultimatums, but I think at this point I certainly have the right to give one.
 
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