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Am I making a big deal about this?

515 views 10 replies 10 participants last post by  irinam 
#1 ·
So let me give you the broad picture. Dh and I have 2 children. DD1 is 3 ( just ) and dd2 is 11 months.
I am a SAHM asnd he works really hard, gets up at 5am every morning and doesn't get home till 6.30/7 pm each night.
He is a really hands on Dad, does laundry, does house work etc, no problem, no big deal.

DD1 is quite a spirited child, very quick tempered, loads of temper tantrums, hitting, kicking both to myself,and to other children. It has been really tough lately, well actually since dd2 has been born, i find it so intense sometimes, and have talked to Dh about it, but I find him so unsupportive.

Today, was not such a great day. He came home, aksed me how my day was, I replied, oh well, more of the same, and he asked me to elaborate.
I talked to him about how dd1 was, how it is so very hard for me to handle, and try to teach her a more acceptable way of behaving, he just seems so unsupportive of me. One of his responses was," well she doesn't act like that for me " and " you never have anything positive to say , you are always so negative " .
His facial expressions and mannerisms to me show me that he is just fed up with talking about it, or annoyed that I am bringing it up, like he doesn't want to deal with it.
I was crying this evening ( not sobbing , just a trickle ) and he just stood there on the otherside of the room looking at me.
I have mentioned to him previously a couple of times that I need support, that I need someone to tell me ( namely HIM ) to give me a hugs and tell me I am doing an awesome job. But he never has.
His response is that " well no one ever says that to me " Well, yes they do, they tell you at work, "Wow that looks great, you really have turned such and such around", and it is also seen with pay increases.

So , am I making a big deal about this in your opinion?
There are so very few people that I can easily talk to about this. I want to approach Dh again, but when I say" Hey I want to talk about something" , he gives a sigh, "Oh gosh, what ".
 
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#2 ·
i don't think you're making a big deal out of it.
it's not too much to want a little understanding and compassion.

my dp and i have a similar problem. while i have worked in an office, i can empathize with his day. but he's never stayed home all day with a pre-verbal, teething child.

finally dd had a bad teething day one weekend and dp finally got to hear the teething noise (it's somewhere between a moan, a goan and a whine and while i know it indicates pain, it gives me a headache). this have improved a bit since. i'm not sure he will ever entirely understand, but it's better. also it helps to talk about it when everyone is calm and not feeling pressured by the situation. i chose the car while dd was asleep.

good luck.
 
#3 ·
Yes it is very hard and you NEED your DH support. He doesn't know how it is. If you don't BF I'd suggest trying to leave him with the DC for a weekend by himself, then maybe he'd understand. Obviously i wouldn' tsuggest it if you were BFing. Unless you could pump enough and your little dear actually takes a bottle okay. Even one day might help give him perspective.
 
#4 ·
I'm sorry Jasmine, no you're not making a big deal out of it. I agree with others though, I bet he just has no concept of what it's like--and even when you leave him with the kids for a day or whatever-fact is, it's different so the behavior will be different. Molly saves her biggest meltdowns--the tantrums for me because she feels safe with me and knows how I will react.
I think you need to sit down and talk to him when everyone is calm, after a good day. Maybe make a point of telling him when dd1 has a good day--so he doesn't think he only hears about the bad stuff. Maybe show him this thread??
 
#6 ·
Thanks for all the support. I wish that Dh would give me the level of verbal support that virtual strangers on MDC give me, instead of making me feel like I am making a huge deal about nothing.

Oh well, today is better, and yes Shannon, maybe I will show hime the thread. Good idea!
 
#7 ·
Oh no. It's not too big a deal it's YOUR life and your children.


Here's something that made me feel better when we went through a tough spot when the twins were 3....

the hardest phases are always the whole numbers (age 1, age 2, age 3), and it gets easier on the half-years. This is because the whole ages coincide with major developmental leaps for children, for example, 3 year olds are really struggling with independence vs. neediness. It DOES get better.

I wish your dh would give you more support too.
My dh is the EXACT same way. Not that this helps you of course.
 
#9 ·
It might be helpful to write him a letter, telling him all you've said here. Let him read it and process it, and then sit down to talk with him. My dh can be a bit like this at times. When I try to talk to him he can get defensive and then it's hard for him to hear me. If I write it out it's easier for him to get the picture.

I hope things get better soon.
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by ella-makes-3
I want to approach Dh again, but when I say" Hey I want to talk about something" , he gives a sigh, "Oh gosh, what ".


I have a REAL problem with that statement above. It really angers me and I feel it is way out of line on your husband's part.


Marriage is a 2 way street! It means COMMUNICATION. Sometimes a couple needs to sit down and talk things out. You need to feel comfortable talking to him about ANYTHING. How can you feel comfortable coming to him to talk out a problem if everytime you come to him and tell him you need to talk, he reacts that way??????


Hugs mama!
 
#11 ·
You are not "making" a big deal out of it! If *you* feel it is a big deal then it is.

I hope your DH will realize that not only what he deems to be a big deal is important. Does he ever talk to you about his worl? Does he only have positive things to say, or does he have to b*tch about his work sometimes? (I know most people do!) Would he like it if you to roll your eyes and say something "Oh Gosh, not again!"?

He might be helping with the "easy" part of the family life - I personally would take laundry AND dishes AND kitchen remodeling over having to deal with two upset kids any day!

Has he ever been in managerial position? Has he dealt with two (or more) quarreling employees on a DAILY basis? It's freaking hard! Now have him imagine that on top of dealing with their quarrels he has to wipe their butts, feed them food, give them bath, put them to bed (add all the other endless things you get to do on a daily basis)?

Sorry for getting all wired up mama... Hugs to you! You AT LEAST deserve a sympathetic ear from him!

On the other hand (here my stubborn mind starts plotting
)... What if , lets say for about a week (if you can handle it!) you tell him nothing but positive. There is always positive to be said about kids, even if your whole day was from hell. As in "yes honey, my day was great. We went to the park, they had so much fun! Then we baked cokies, then
I wonder what his reaction would be... but that's only if it's not going to suck your last juices out of you
 
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