DH and I realized (er, 'cause the counselor told us) that we have fallen back into the trap of non-verbal communication.
It is so damaging for so many reasons . . .it creates a lack of trust in one's partner and also puts the person in a box. Our counselor says that sticking to verbal communication means you have to risk that you do NOT know everything about your partner (which no one does), and that is OK.
Anyway, DH and I have been very diligent about sticking to only verbal communication. If we want something clarified (i.e., I think he looks mad) I ASK, and then no matter what his answer, I accept it (even if he says he isn't and I really think he is . . .I have to accept that he is not). In the past, we would not accept the answer (put each other in a box).
It has been working, even through the weekend, which is usually our nightmare time.
I agree, its too easy to fall into the trap of assuming the other person understands what you want or feel if you don't tell them. It always drives me nuts when people get mad at me for not doing something they never asked me to do!
It's good that you're really putting the things you're learning to use. Sometimes it's so easy to hear the right thing to do, but sooo easy to ignore it.
Plus your way sure beats the heck out of our snippy, "what the hell is your problem??"
Anyway, DH and I have been very diligent about sticking to only verbal communication. If we want something clarified (i.e., I think he looks mad) I ASK, and then no matter what his answer, I accept it (even if he says he isn't and I really think he is . . .I have to accept that he is not). In the past, we would not accept the answer (put each other in a box).
I think this is key....taking responsibility for your communication and only your communication! I.e. you can't and shouldn't take over responsibility for your partner by being a mind reader. My dh will do the thing a LOT where he looks upset so I ask "what's wrong, honey?" and he'll say "nothing" and I'll say "no, really, what is it?" and we go back and forth like that for a few times until he finally starts talking about why he's annoyed with me.
It's so frustrating because I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and can never trust that he's really not grumpy with me, and that I have to be responsible for finding out what's wrong with him!
I am going to start taking his first answer for his real answer....if he wants to talk about something, he needs to be honest and direct and bring it up!
Glad to hear things are going more smoothly - it must feel better not to have to dread the weekend so much! Remember, baby steps...it's hard to change long-seated patterns of communication so don't beat yourself or dh up too much when/if you backslide.
Thanks for posting this.
I read it last week and have tried a few times since to accept dh's answer as his answer and move on.
The results are nothing short of amazing.
Thank you!
Originally Posted by farmlife
Thanks for posting this.
I read it last week and have tried a few times since to accept dh's answer as his answer and move on.
The results are nothing short of amazing.
Thank you!
ACHHH! It's so difficult to deal with this sometimes. DH and I have a huge problem with non-verbal communication and we are both button-pushers. Counseling rocked for us b/c it helped us understand that.
I really need to work on this. I am one of those people that expect their partner to be a mind reader and I just realized recently that by doing this I am setting him up to fail no matter what. Even if I think he should "get" me by now, he might just really not!
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Mothering Forum
16.5M posts
285.1K members
Since 1996
A forum community dedicated to all mothers and inclusive family living enthusiasts. Come join the discussion about nurturing, health, behavior, housing, adopting, care, classifieds, and more!