I am seriously considering taking DD and myself to a hotel tonight. And I doubt DH would notice. He has been going to school to get his degree in computer science. He ended up having to start from square one because his credits from the school he went to in Europe didn't transfer. So, we have a few years to go and that's fine with both of us. I told him to take it slow and it doesn't matter if it takes 5 or 6 years instead of 3 or 4 to get his degree. He went back to school three months after I found out I was pregnant and he took a pretty full load. We talked about what would happen after DD was born and I told him that he needed to make sure he would still have time left for our family after work and school.
So, DD is nearly eight months old. Last semester was a killer because she was a newborn and DH left NO time for us in his schedule. It was hard on me. At times I wished I was a single mother because then I wouldn't have the expectation that somebody was going to help me. This semester it doesn't look like anything has changed. When he registered for classes he told me he was going to take a full schedule again. I told him it was fine but he absolutely had to have time for DD and I no matter what it took. It hasn't happened. During the week we both work full time. Then, Monday through Thursday evenings he's in school and doesn't get home until DD's bath time or right after she's already in bed. I spend what little energy I have left doing dishes, folding laundry, taking out the trash, or general picking up before turning in because he just doesn't do it. Yesterday was his night off from school (Friday). DD and I met a friend of mine from high school to catch up. When I came home I found that he had been sleeping instead of doing homework. So, once again, he devoted the rest of the night to homework. He works all day on Saturdays and he told me that he needs all day Sunday to do homework. This is getting old. I haven't gotten to pursue any of my interests nor have I had time to myself. Since DD was born I have had a total of two hours for myself. He keeps promising me time but doesn't give it. He takes naps when DD is napping and then does homework while she is awake, which leaves me to take care of her.
I just feel like I'm at a point where I have to do something drastic to get his full attention. It doesn't matter how many talks we have about this nothing changes. We had another talk this morning because I am just so burned out. I keep expecting to get time with him or some time to myself and it doesn't happen. And what about DD? She doesn't get to spend any time with daddy either. And that sucks. He can't put off bonding with her until he's done with school. By then she'll want nothing to do with him!
True, he may be busy, but he's not too busy to spend some time with his family. He may have to sacrifice more, like getting up an hour early every day to work on homework. I don't see why he would have to do homework ALL day sunday. That just doesn't make sense. He may not realize how much work it is to keep a home running. He may need a half day of taking care of your dd to see how it is. Can you use Sunday morning to go to a coffee shop by yourself for a few hours and leave the household stuff to him?
Originally Posted by funkygranolamama
True, he may be busy, but he's not too busy to spend some time with his family. He may have to sacrifice more, like getting up an hour early every day to work on homework. I don't see why he would have to do homework ALL day sunday. That just doesn't make sense. He may not realize how much work it is to keep a home running. He may need a half day of taking care of your dd to see how it is. Can you use Sunday morning to go to a coffee shop by yourself for a few hours and leave the household stuff to him?
That two hours I said I had gotten to myself since DD was born was exactly this. I left him alone with DD while I strolled around the mall. It didn't work that time, but perhaps it would a second time. Maybe I should leave for longer this time.
I'd just hand him the baby tomorrow morning (make sure she's tanked up or at least just eaten) and then head to get a coffee. Take a couple of hours. They'll manage.
The only time I get to myself is if I do this. Some days, I just walk out. It stinks, but my DH is the same way as yours. Too busy for us.
Yeah, I know the kids watch tv the whole time, but if it saves my sanity, it's worth it, IMO. I never did this with DS and I hit major overload/burn out right after DD was born. It's not fair and the thing is, if you're not expecting him to step up, he won't.
I know, it's hard to leave her. But do it for both of you, mama. Do it for your relationship. I sure feel more loving to my DH after I've had a bit of time to myself.
Originally Posted by anniej
I know, it's hard to leave her. But do it for both of you, mama. Do it for your relationship.
It is hard to leave her and I just feel like I'm walking out on her in a way. Even though I know I'm not, I just feel guilty. I realize DD probably doesn't care much either way, but it's hard to come to terms with me NEEDING to be away from her. I see your point though. If I'm going to reclaim some of my pre-baby sanity I have to do it. I've resolved that I will leave tomorrow morning after she has had her first nap and eaten. At least I know she'll be in a good mood while I'm gone.
I was actually even thinking of going to a movie by myself tomorrow. Or taking my camera that I just bought and haven't been able to use to a park or the botanical gardens to get some practice. We shall see what tomorrow brings.
I too feel/felt like I was abandoning them. But, to save my own sanity, I have to.
I have to have some time for "ME" - I am a person after all, too. I was very much a loner before DH and kids and it's nice to feel that part of me again. To remember how much I liked myself and that I'm an ok person to spend time with.
And I'm a much better mommy when I have some time to myself too.
Take time for yourself. Schedule it, give him the kid, go. He won't even come close to measuring up to your standards of "child care", but he has to learn. My DH is now WONDERFUL with dd, but I know he did not do things the way I feel is right. He learned because I let him. He learned that he has no tolerance for dd crying by herself. It makes him feel like sh!t. He learned it the hard way though, and a lot of MDCers will sit her and say, they can't do that. To each their own.
Second, schedule family time. Oktoberfest is coming up. go to that. Visit a museum of a free day. Schedule it in advance (with him) and don't let your dh out of it. Family time is important- for you, him and your dc. DH and I have breakfast out once a week. It costs less than $10. We get unlimited coffee refills and breakfast sandwiches at a chain cafe. You may have to cut these short - say 2 hours to give your dh time to study. It's hard, oh so hard, but if you hold tight now, do what you need to do for yourself and your family, I believe you can come out the other side. Together.
I think MAKING time for yourself is the only way you will get time for yourself... your dh isn't going to offer it... he is overloaded too.
In your original post you said 'its okay' for him to take a full load of classes, but he must also make time for the family. I think your DH needs a reality check by you doing just what everyone is saying... taking the time you need for the rest of this semester. So when it comes time to reregister, next time he may think twice about how many classes he is going to take.
Also, what may help in this area is for you to hire a mothers helper for a couple of hours once or twice a week. To help you pick up or clean or to watch the baby while you shower and get some cleaning done. Just 1/2 hour to yourself in the evening (after baby is in bed and after the helper leaves) well make a huge difference. It doesn't really matter what it costs, you need it and the extra money going out will also be a way for dh to realize he needs to be more present...
Originally Posted by Felicitymom
In your original post you said 'its okay' for him to take a full load of classes, but he must also make time for the family. I think your DH needs a reality check by you doing just what everyone is saying... taking the time you need for the rest of this semester. So when it comes time to reregister, next time he may think twice about how many classes he is going to take.
N
I meant to follow this with the clarity of your communication. Is it really 'okay' for him to take a full load???? I think you all have to have a discussion about priorities before next semester. And be clear, if it isn't okay for him to be at school all the time or doing homework... SAY IT.
How about taking a class or joining a group or something????
A reasonable man is not going to refuse to watch his own child if you have sometimes a schedueled committment you need to be out of the house for.
This may help you prevent burnout.
I would also insist that at least one day on the wekend you get to sleep in - he can sleep in or do whatever he wants the next morning
I sense from your post, however, that you are feeling a little like a single mom. I know when I feel like running away, it is because my husband is doing so little that I figure I might as well do it myself. You are not alone in this, woman post about it all the time. (((HUGS)))
If he is basically a good guy, I would book that hotel room for the night...but invite him
Sometimes a change of scenerary can help a couple communicate better and recharge. If you invite him, I hope he takes you up on it.
my husband and i have been having the same disagreement for a few years now. he wants to get done with the PhD as soon as possible. I want to enjoy life a little and have him be around to enjoy it with me. But so far it has gone his way. I guess this has been the one issue in our marriage so far that there has been no compromise on. I am not angry about it anymore(at least not most of the time). It has been going on for three years now so I am used to it I guess. I guess the saving grace in our relationship has been that my dh is a very positive high energy person, so even though he isn't home alot, when he is he makes the time count. He really plays with the girls. But he didn't really realise that dd1 was a real person I think until she was like two. When she started talking, pretending, doing fun activities, he got a lot more interested in spending time with her. So your dh may be in the same place in that regard. That doesn't mean he shouldn't spend time with her now though. Defineatley give her to him for a few hours for everyones benefit. I wish I would have done that more. I guess the thing that has suffered for us has been the sex life. You could always talk to your husband about that. if anything will convince him to take less classes, that might be it
I hope it all works out for you and your family. When my dh first started this program, we had a very, very difficult time. But it has slowly gotten better. I hope your situation does too.
Having been roommates in college with someone who was studying computer science, the man is not exaggerating when he says he needs to do homework all day on Sunday.
Frankly, I think your DH is doing AMAZING, considering the fact that he is so overloaded. He works a full time job and is taking on a full course load in comp sci? WOW.
I really think the problem is in his taking a full course load. It is simply going to be almost impossible to fit in family time while working a full-time job and going to school full-time. He needs to cut back on the school a bit, even if it does end up taking 5 years instead of 4.
I was actually even thinking of going to a movie by myself tomorrow. Or taking my camera that I just bought and haven't been able to use to a park or the botanical gardens to get some practice.
Do it
Your sanity helps everyone including yourself. I used to just go out for long walks/runs or bike rides. Helped tremendously.
I went to nursing school when my ds was 3-5 years old. The school required a full-time load (there was no part-time option) and I worked full-time because my ex-husband couldn't (wouldn't) find a job.
It was SO hard not to spend that much time with my son. I remember falling asleep in my car after class/work. I remember living on snack crackers and cereal from work. I cried all the time- in class, at work, in traffic. I was SOOO stressed from school and working full-time. When my x complained about the time I wasn't at home, I got upset... I was working hard to make $ for us (for basic survival) and working hard to make a secure career choice that would take care of us for a long time. I was stretched so thin that I ended up in the hospital. I could not physically give any more to my family than the minimal amt I was able to muster up each day, and I'm sad to admit it wasn't much.
But I knew it was short-term and the sacrifice would be worth it. And while it pains my heart to realize what I missed, I rejoice in the time and security I have with my ds now.
Hugs to you, momma. I'm not trying to excuse your husband. I know how hard the newborn time is. I just wanted you to hear how someone who had been the full-time worker/full-time student felt.
Def encourage him to take part-time if it's available. Can he withdrawal from any classes this semester to drop some hours and take them later? Make sure he doesn't take a full-time load again.
If that's not possible, do you have any friends/family who can help? (I know you need your husband, but I mean to help you NOW if he can't.) YOU do need a break. I don't know if he can give you consistant time.
I'm sending some positive vibes your way. I hope you get relief soon.
Because your husband is so overloaded right now, it may not be possible for him to do a lot more than he is doing. Next semester he will definitely have to consider taking fewer classes. I'm not trying to let him off the hook - he definitely has responsibilities toward you and your dd. But I'm willing to bet that he feels completely overwhelmed too right now. And from your op, it sounds like the key problem is that your needs are not being met because you are the sole caretaker of your dd.
So for right now, if this is possible, I would try to let go of your expectations of your dd. Instead try to focus on meeting your needs, at least partly. It's okay and healthy for you to get away from your child some and to have time to yourself. I think that leaving lo with your dh is perfectly acceptable, even if dh protests. But, imho, it might be more trouble than it's worth right now (this is just my personal experience talking, so feel free to ignore!), so I would start looking into other options for getting time to yourself, such as a mother's helper/babysitter. I've been able to hire a high schooler to come in occassionally and watch dd while I'm in the house but otherwise occupied, and it's worked out well for everyone. Sometimes I'll even just go in my room and close the door and just read a novel (gasp!) while dd plays with her "friend." Do you have any mommy-friends that you could trade babysitting with? You'll watch her lo one Saturday, and she'll watch yours the next. I hope that you're able to find some workable arrangment - it's so exhausting and frustrating.
Originally Posted by kathymuggle
How about taking a class or joining a group or something????
...
I sense from your post, however, that you are feeling a little like a single mom.
I have looked into a few photography classes. The problem is scheduling them around his schedule. It just isn't possible right now, but I have let him know I'd like to take one in the spring and it needs to be considered when he registers. And yes, I feel like a single mom. So much so that sometimes I would rather be a single mom so I don't have that expectation of help, you know?
Quote:
Originally Posted by newsong
But he didn't really realise that dd1 was a real person I think until she was like two. When she started talking, pretending, doing fun activities, he got a lot more interested in spending time with her. So your dh may be in the same place in that regard.
I definitely think this is part of what's going on with DH. He keeps saying "I can't wait for her to start walking and talking" rather than enjoying everything she is doing now. I think he just doesn't think she's "fun" right now and he hasn't taken the time to realize just how fun she really is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Papai
Having been roommates in college with someone who was studying computer science, the man is not exaggerating when he says he needs to do homework all day on Sunday.
Frankly, I think your DH is doing AMAZING, considering the fact that he is so overloaded. He works a full time job and is taking on a full course load in comp sci? WOW.
I really think the problem is in his taking a full course load. It is simply going to be almost impossible to fit in family time while working a full-time job and going to school full-time. He needs to cut back on the school a bit, even if it does end up taking 5 years instead of 4.
I think DH is amazing for doing all of this also. It's a tough thing to do. But, he also promised to have time for his family. He knew how much time class would take up because he's been at this for over 4 years now. He KNOWS what kind of homework he'll be getting. So I don't mind him taking the full course load as long as I get at least a couple hours per week with him, which he swore would happen but hasn't.
You have all given great advice and I really appreciate it. It's nice to know there somewhere I can go to "talk" about this stuff. This morning I got up and told him I was going to go out and get some things we need and I would take DD with me. He HAD to get up and work on his homework. His routine has been to sleep while we're gone and then do homework while we're home, which is not exactly how I'd like him to manage his time as it still leaves me to be the only one to take care of DD. DD fell asleep after the store, so I parked under a tree and just read for 40 minutes until she woke up. Then we went home and played. In all I gave DH 4 hours of uninterrupted study time. DD is playing on the floor while he does who knows what in the kitchen. I told him that when DD goes down for a nap I am going to color my hair (decided to be creative today!) When she wakes up I'll ask my mom to watch her so we can go to a movie together or something.
I also told him that starting next weekend I will be taking two hours to myself EVERY Sunday without fail. He'll be in charge of DD as I will not be home. He was pretty receptive to this, so I don't feel like I'm doing myself a disservice by compromising so much today. I still got to read by myself while DD was napping in the car and we'll hopefully get some time together this afternoon. I feel like we really need time together because I find myself annoyed at every word that comes out of his mouth. And that can't be good.
Originally Posted by Papai
Having been roommates in college with someone who was studying computer science, the man is not exaggerating when he says he needs to do homework all day on Sunday.
Frankly, I think your DH is doing AMAZING, considering the fact that he is so overloaded. He works a full time job and is taking on a full course load in comp sci? WOW.
I really think the problem is in his taking a full course load. It is simply going to be almost impossible to fit in family time while working a full-time job and going to school full-time. He needs to cut back on the school a bit, even if it does end up taking 5 years instead of 4.
I totall agree with this. It looks like he might have to cut back on some of his school hours in order to make it work better.
He probably meant to keep his promise but when you get down to it, it is super difficult when you work all day and then have to go to class for another few hours afterwards.
I think you did the right thing. It sounds like you need to schedule a regular time every week when he'll be either with your DD while you get time alone, or where you have a sitter of some sort (family, high schooler) and you two get time together.
I agree he should cut down on his school classes. This is time with you and your dd that he will never get back. He is going to stop and look around and find that dd is 5 and he doesn't know her...or you.
On top of that, the less you do, the less you end up doing. I know that probably doesn't make sense, but the less time you spend with your children, the less time you want to spend, or think you can spend, when you are busy and preoccupied. The more time you spend, the more you want. I think he needs a reality check about your life. You have 2 jobs too. I think the whole your dh is amazing thing is a little over the top. He may be amazing, but so are you. He may be working full time and then school, which is like 2 full time jobs...but so are you. Do you not work full time, then take care of the babe when you get home and through the night and morning.
If it's the beginning of the his "school year", I think now is the perfect time to cut down.
This may sound mean, but I would only wash, cook and clean for you and baby. Perhaps then he will realize how hard it is for you to keep up a household with a baby while working fulltime. If he wants clean clothes and a hot meal, he'll have to do it himself. The "I'm too busy" is no excuse. He knew how much work studying fulltime would be, he shouldn't bite off more than he can chew.
Thank you everyone for reading my rant, offering advice, showing support, and helping me feel validated. I really appreciate it and knowing that there are plenty of mamas feeling the same way makes it a little easier to deal with all of this. I made another deal with DH last night. I told him that I will be taking that two hours every Sunday to myself while he stays home with DD, UNLESS he makes time for a family outing. Whether it's just walking around the park, hiking, strolling the botanic gardens or museum, I don't care. He sounds like he really wants to do this. I think he just needs to learn how to manage his time. Napping when DD naps and then working while she's awake doesn't exactly help me out. Because while DD is napping, I'm cleaning. Last night he cleaned while I gave DD a bath and it was a great help even if not much got done. I hope he keeps it up. I help him with his homework for his English class (English is his second lanaguage and he's not always eloquent in his writing) so it's only fair that he helps me with my "homework."
Also, since English seems to take up more of his time than calculus or circuits since he's a brainiac in those areas, we agreed that he wouldn't take English classes during the regular school year anymore. He's going to start taking one English class each summer. This will free up some time during the regular school year, he'll still have extra time in the summer, and he'll still finish school in the time frame he wants to.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I just hope he keeps to his word because this seems like the perfect setup for our family, you know? Everybody wins. Both of us working so much is hard on everyone, but this way we both gain a little breathing room.
*takes deep breath and smiles*
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