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a quiet place  by
peggy o'mara |
One World
Issue 109
As I write, it is just eight days after The Tragedy. Emotions are running high both inside of me and in the larger community, and I assume they still will be at the time of this reading. By the weekend after The Tragedy, I had lost all faith in my fellow humans. First, the terrible acts of destruction, then the vengeful talk of retaliation. For a while, we all went mad from the enormity of what had happened. This is not unusual. Whenever we are wronged, we often first react with thoughts of revenge. Whether or not we act on these hateful thoughts is a test of our humanity.
In the family, just as in the world community, I have to choose every day to be adversarial or cooperative. And the more I choose cooperation, the more I must be willing to define, communicate, and enforce my own personal boundaries.
Early on in parenting I chose cooperation. It wasn't easy. My first introduction to nonviolent discipline was the book Liberated Parents, Liberated Children. I felt totally out of control when I read the author's suggestion to abandon punishment. And I recognized, although it was painful, that what frightened me most about abandoning punishment was that I might not be able to have my own way.
As it turns out in the reality of the family, punishment is not actually a very effective tool for getting what we want. An adversarial relationship with our children often escalates or deteriorates as the child gets older because older, taller children are less intimidated by our threats. More importantly, the child who is punished-like our society that has been attacked-thinks not how wise her parents have been, but about what she might do next to get back at them.
In the family, we learn a difficult truth that can provide a model for the current world conflict. Effective discipline is really based on our relationships with one another. Ultimately, it is our capacity for conscience and affection that prevents us from hurting one another, not our fear of punishment.
As a new parent, I hit my children at first, and when I read Liberated Parents I decided to change. It took years. I first had the mental resolve but feared the loss of control. I didn't know what to do instead of spanking, and I wanted to postpone giving it up until I knew. At about that time, I saw a bumper sticker that read "People Are Not for Hitting and Children Are People, Too." I realized then it was simply a decision. I didn't have to know what else to do. I just had to stop hitting and figure it out.
I discovered almost immediately that not hitting requires better boundaries. When I hit, I would wait until I got so angry that I blew up, thus justifying my actions. When I did not hit, I had to respond to the first stirrings of my anger so that I did not respond when my emotions or my actions were out of control. I came to realize that it is not the behavior of my children that creates my reactions, but rather my own inner resolve to parent nonviolently. If they act outrageously, this does not justify a violent response. It is not about their actions. It's all about my own inner resolve.
My inner resolve was born during the Vietnam War. I realized then, in my early 20s, that if I was serious about peace, I had to make peace with my family of origin. When I decided years later to have children and to raise them without punishment, it was these early yearnings for peace that spoke to me. I understood that the possibility of peace on earth begins with peace in the family. I wondered what society would be like if we could raise a whole generation of children nonviolently. What choices would those children make when they became our leaders? This is still my prayer and the work that you each do in your homes every day. Whether or not you are a pacifist and regardless of how you feel the US should respond to The Tragedy, I am sure that if asked, you would say that you are raising your child nonviolently. I am sure that this is a value we all share.
So when the US media, politicians, and polls call for a violent response to The Tragedy, it is we not "they" I worry about. This talk threatens members of our wonderful Mothering community. It threatens our international community of families. This situation puts all of us at risk. In one instant, on that day, we became one world. My community is no longer my neighborhood. In fact, I often have less contact with the people I live near than with friends thousands of miles away. I cannot name a potential "enemy country" that is not the home of a friend or a friend of a friend, or one of our readers.
Cynthia in Saudi Arabia is the moderator of the discussion boards at www.mothering.com. This week she e-mailed me with concern over a mean-spirited thread on the boards. At a time when our military threatened the region she lives in, she was worried about my feelings. Our webmaster, Cynthia Marshall, was in London attending her mother's funeral when The Tragedy happened. She told us of the fear in the UK of an immediate retaliation by the US and her own fear of being unable to get back home. Author Nitzan Gordon e-mailed from Israel with kind words and letters of condolences from Palestinian mothers. They wanted us to know that the images on the television of Palestinians celebrating were not accurate. Photographer Lloyd Wolf sent photos of people all over the world leaving offerings at US embassies. Cynthia Good Mojab sent us an article about living in two cultures. Her plea to not personalize The Tragedy and harm Middle Eastern Americans was echoed by many. Just yesterday I got a call from a Muslim American mother who needed information on HIV and pregnancy. I was so happy we could help her.
Contributor Wendy Ponte lost several firefighters in her Brooklyn neighborhood, and her friend lost her husband. The losses are beyond measure. And yet, military reprisal will risk my beloved community. We have readers in over 70 countries. I want to harm none of them. None of them is disposable. There's no way that US military action will not directly or indirectly hurt my friends. Like the workers in the Twin Towers, the world is now too close not to share a common destiny. What happens to one of us could happen to any of us. Like the HIV-positive moms we profiled in the September-October issue, the vaccine-damaged children we reported on in the May-June issue, and welfare moms we bring you in this issue, we must understand that "there but by the grace of God go I."
In our families, if one of our children acts out violently, we will not rest until we understand the motivation for our child's behavior. Understanding is everything because once the behavior is understood, appropriate action can be taken, and the behavior is less likely to be repeated. Taking action to address our child's needs will make it unnecessary for him or her to use frustrated, angry outbursts to bring attention to his or her problems. Seeking to understand does not imply that no action is taken, but rather that the action will be proactive rather than reactive and will be based not only on an understanding of underlying motivations, but also on a willingness for reconciliation.
Our behavior is orchestrated by the original melody of the early years of life. We are correct even at this time of common tragedy to redouble our efforts for peace in the family and peace in the world. Attending to the legitimate needs of our children and thereby raising children who have faith in their world will do more to heal the world than anything else.
So it is enough to go home and make peace with your family. Figure out how to do this. It will not be easy, so it will open your heart. Put family first in your life. Be political in whatever way you are inclined. Write a letter. Attend a meeting. Give a donation. But, most of all, speak up. Speak from your own feelings without blame or judgment. Don't bully others with your feelings, but speak up. Add your voice to the international conversation. Be inspired by the courage of Congresswoman Barbara Lee, who cast the lone vote in the House of Representatives against retaliation.
In 1988, we published an article by Thich Nhat Hahn entitled "Reconciliation." In this article, he describes seven practices of conflict resolution and reconciliation that have evolved in Buddhist monasteries over the last 2,500 years. First is Face-to-Face Sitting, in which the entire community sits together mindfully, breathing, with the willingness to help and not to fight.
The second practice is Remembrance, in which the two monks in conflict try to remember the whole history of the conflict, every detail of the conflict, while the community just sits patiently and listens.
The third practice is Non-stubbornness. Everyone in the community expects the two monks not to be stubborn. The outcome is less important than the fact that each monk is doing his best to show a willingness for reconciliation and understanding.
The fourth practice is Covering Mud with Straw. One respected senior monk is appointed to represent each side of the conflict and to say things about "his" monk that will help the other to better understand and de-escalate his feelings, his anger, and his resistance.
Next is Voluntary Confession. Each monk reveals his own shortcomings, without waiting for others to state them. The atmosphere of the community is supportive, expecting that the de-escalation will be realized. The senior monk reminds the monks to think of the larger community and its well-being.
Lastly are the Decision by Consensus and Accepting the Verdict. It is agreed in advance that the two monks will accept the decision of the whole group or leave the community. The decision involves suggested actions for each monk, and the entire community is asked three times if it accepts the verdict. This reminds me of something I stumbled on by accident with my children. When there was a conflict (and there were a lot), I would take the two involved aside and listen intently to each side of the story, one of them at a time with the other present. I was surprised to find that once they both had spoken, they each spontaneously jumped up and ran off to play again. They just needed to be heard.
If The Tragedy were about my kids, I would say, "No more hitting. Keep talking. Keep interacting." The Tragedy is, of course, bigger than my family, bigger than the US. It affects the world community and yet the principles are the same. Armed retaliation will hurt the family and friends of our international community of mothers. And it will hurt the families here in the US whose children will be called to fight. There can be no winners.
Since the world leaders are having trouble figuring out what to do to resolve the conflicts in the Middle East, perhaps we should volunteer our expertise as mothers. In all countries, we could form groups of mothers-International Mothers for Peace-that would be willing to hear both sides of the story and make a consensus decision. This is something mothers are particularly skilled at; we do it every day. We could start right away.
Mothering got a letter this week from Karen: "I am writing to ask you to help guide us pacifist mothers in how to prevent the US from systematically terrorizing families in other countries as a retaliation for Tuesday's events." Karen, this poem's for you.
Your Children Mine
Aren't you tired of it?
Aren't you just tired of it?
Seeing those faces
In helmets and uniforms
Carrying rifles.
Seeing those young faces in the newspaper.
Black faces.
Brown faces.
Red faces.
White faces.
Yellow faces.
Young faces.
Wearing the grim look of war.
Doing the dirty work of their grown-up puppeteers
Who condemn to die each year
Thousands, millions of our newest souls
Because we haven't learned how to talk to
one another.
To negotiate with honor.
To compromise with power.
To value human life.
So we take the easy way out.
The easy way of violence.
The lazy way of killing.
The whole symbolic transference of power
From old to young
Done on the battlefield of death.
But the power passes.
The old die
And the young remember.
The young who've had to fight at others' bidding,
The young who've seen their buddies die.
We must some soon decade
STOP
The Sacrificing
Of the young
For false and temporary
Glory.
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