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	a quiet place by peggy o'mara

Meaning And Belonging
Issue 110

I don't want to refer to the events of September 11 any longer. I'm sick of talking about it. Yet it continues to inform everything since then. This is a reference point for all of us in the world. It is a time when we have seen a deep division in the world regarding the means used to resolve conflict. We have all had to dig deeply into our beliefs. Some have generated faith, others fear. We have all had to reevaluate our beliefs about the meaning of life. We are challenged at this time and in everyday life to bring meaning to the events of our lives or to live with emptiness.

As Laurens Van der Post writes in A Far Off Place, "The real, the only crises out of which all evil came was a crisis of meaning. It was the terrible invasion of meaninglessness and a feeling of not belonging." The implication of this statement is that it is our sense of meaning and belonging that help us to be resilient to the vicissitudes of life.

How resilient do you feel? Where do you get your sense of meaning? To whom do you belong? Many of us have been asking these questions more lately, have been getting back to the basics. I went into a needlecraft store recently, and the shopkeeper said there had been a marked upswing of interest in knitting since September. When tragedies happen, we are reminded of the importance of the small, of the ordinary. I am always nourished by the familiarity of sweeping, washing dishes, hanging clothes, feeding the birds.

I am also nourished with a greater sense of meaning in my life when I acknowledge my inner life. It helps me every day to have a relationship with the invisible part of myself, and I appreciate that there is more to me than just my outward demeanor and performance. Having a relationship with my inner life helps me to remember that there is more to life than what I own and how I look. We all feel more at ease when we honor the existence of deeper principles and dimensions operating in our lives.

Sharing these deeper dimensions gives family life its unique intimacy. This intimacy of belonging to and having a common sense of meaning within our families makes us more resilient to life's swells and storms. I have found deep meaning in my family life because it is obvious to me that what I am doing in raising a child is to contribute in no small way to the future of civilization. I find deep meaning in the realization that I am one among a long chain of mothers continually birthing the human race. It is heroic to live a family life of your own design, to develop your own ethic of parenting, and to weave rich meaning into the fabric of your life by living intentionally.

Living intentionally means that we sometimes have to review our social life to see that it doesn't compete with family life. While we find meaning in life from our social connections, our friends and acquaintances, it is our family life we must protect. Likewise, we find meaning in helping the larger community and want to participate as a citizen. Here again we can feel pulled in many directions and must often say no to the outside world in order to have the time we need to be with our family. The idea of quality time is a myth. Our loved ones need quantities of our time.

What I find helpful when I feel overextended is to take some time to reflect anew on my priorities. I'll write each of the following words on small pieces of paper: society, friends, God, family, self, work. Then I will arrange the words in order of my priorities. I find that I am not always living my life in keeping with my priorities. It is at these times that things can feel meaningless and I can feel out of touch with those to whom I belong. And it is at these times that I forgive myself and initiate change to align myself more with my own priorities.

My priorities are set by my beliefs about where I find meaning in life. And they are also influenced by my sense of belonging. I belong first to myself, or perhaps first to God as an original expression of the Infinite. It is this originality to which I belong and to which I must be true. It is my responsibility to express my uniqueness and to keep faith with it by having an unconditional friendliness with myself. In this way I belong to myself. I abide with myself, am steadfast with myself. In this state of radical acceptance of my deepest self, I feel that things are right with the world.

It also makes sense that I belong to my loved ones. My family contains me and fosters a sense of belonging that gives my life deep meaning. My adult children and I speculate about this. We continue to enjoy each other's company very much and sometimes reassure each other that it's okay that we get along so well-although we know, of course, that it is. That this healthy intimacy should even be questioned points to our collective conflicts about what is meaningful in life.

It's been practical and economical for one or another of my adult children to live at home from time to time, and it seems harsh to expect them to follow a straight trajectory to full adulthood. In earlier times, as you know, it was commonplace for different generations to live in the same house. The sense of belonging that the adult child still has with the family can act as a buffer as they wean themselves to the world and face the challenges of low wages, high rents, and a myriad of new social situations. Likewise, as my parents have gotten older they have found new meaning in belonging to our extended family. The sense of belonging to family nourishes us at all ages.

Many of us are also nourished by friends, whom we love as family. We belong not only to them but also to other loved ones, to our neighborhood, our town, our state, our country, and our world. How can we possibly juggle our responsibilities to all to whom we belong? Here is where we may have to scale down our expectations of ourselves. We can't take care of our belonging to the few if we try to be too much to too many. This is just a fact, and we must daily choose our priorities with respect to our family and our responsibility to the larger society.

The larger society can always be tempting. We can lose ourselves in search of meaning and belonging in materialism and consumerism. Or we can be seduced by titles and accomplishments. Even when we do good work and labor for causes that help others, we must still strike the balance. Although work can be very meaningful, one can never belong to a cause. There is always more good work to do, and one even has to let that go. We cannot let things go with the family, however. We cannot let go of spending time with one another. Real-life belonging requires time. There is no substitute for this.

In a related way, I have spent time walking the land where I live. I have grown flowers, fruits, and vegetables here for many years and have gotten to know the habits of the seasons. I feel now that I belong to this land, that it has become a companion to me. I've lived in my house for almost 18 years, and I have a relationship with my place. I know the trees and the landscape and the habits of the wild animals I feed. There is reciprocity and harmony as well as the ever-present mystery. When I think of leaving this place, it is often the relationship with the land that I consider. To move would leave our family bereft of our history. The history of this place is something that we belong to as a family, something that we have in common with each other and with the land and something that gives our life as a family meaning.

Belonging to the land, to a place, hearkens back to our earliest beginnings as human beings. The Van der Post book mentioned before illustrates the deep relationship human beings have with nature. We do better when we are in tune with our own natures. We feel more confident when we know how to handle ourselves in nature. We are nourished and healed by being in nature. Whatever we do to develop a relationship with nature will give us a deep sense of belonging and bring richer meaning to our lives.

In this new year we will be asking ourselves the reflective questions of the examined life. How can we have a relationship with ourselves that holds steady no matter what we face in life? Where do we find meaning and a sense of belonging unassailable in our lives? How can we protect our family life? What is our responsibility to the larger community, the society, and the world? How do we find meaning in the simple things, the small things in ordinary life?

We ask these questions because we want to move forward by going deeper in life. As parents we have the responsibility to examine our lives in order that we may raise our children in the most authentic environment. An authentic environment is not perfect, but it does provide meaning and belonging. Sometimes asking these questions may inconvenience us. Sometimes the answers may require us to change. Sometimes they make those we belong to uncomfortable. Still our children require this of us. We do not want our legacy to them to be unquestioned hopelessness and cynicism, but instead the faith and optimism that finds meaning and belonging in all that happens in life.

To quote Van der Post once again, "Nothing that was ever done, was ever wasted or without effect on life. Nothing that was ever so insignificant as to be unimportant. Everything in life mattered and ultimately had a place, an impact, and a meaning."

Don't be afraid to be introspective, to acknowledge the importance of your inner life, to seek refuge in your family. The meaning offered by the materialistic values of consumer society can never keep you warm at night like the arms and caring words of family and friends. Invest in those to whom you belong. Infuse your life with community.

Just as we admire our ancestors who left beloved ones and familiar customs to make a better life in a new country, so are we the ancestors who now map the country of intimacy, of meaning and belonging for our lineage to come. We hold true to our vision of the inviolate integrity of the child and the inherent expertise of the parent. Even in the face of fear, we bear witness to the perfectibility of the human spirit. Even in the face of fear.