Not at all.
It's taking the damn thing home that totally changes your life.
First off, everyone says you'll never sleep. That's garbage. My babies both slept pretty well while quite young. Most toddlers sleep like crazy, so you will sleep. There's a stretch there where you're napping on the toilet at the office, but it passes faster than most people tell you.
But, what they don't tell you is that your sleep schedule is radically altered. You don't go places at the times you used to. Dinner at 8pm? Yeah, no. Junior needs to be in bed at 8 because he'll be up at 1 for his middle of the night feeding and then again at 6 because it's morning at 6 and babies think bright lights means playtime. Don't want to get up at 6 for the next 18 years? Don't have a baby. They get up at 6 for half a decade and by the time they learn that getting up at 6 is stupid, they are in school and you have to wake them up at 6. So yeah, you're a morning person now, Sparky. You're also going to be eating dinner from 4:17 until 4:19 for a while. And the love of your life will likely not be joining you.
Ok, next up, you are gonna have to get used to carrying things. Like, every one of the things. Remember just showing up to stuff? I don't. Well, now I get to, because my kids are old enough to carry something heavier than a doll. But for about a decade they can't. So be ready to carry a car seat, which is secretly impregnated with osmium, the densest of all known substances, so as to make it heavier than a neutron star. Also, strollers, sporting gear, food in unending quantities, etc. You're a pack mule.
Food. Ah yes, food. You're going to have to make some or your spawn will die. It's a thing. At first food is easy. Babies nurse (hard on mom, easy on dad) or bottle feed (easier on mom, harder on dad). But either way, food prep is easy. Baby food is a breeze, too. Once they're about two, though, they start not eating whatever you put in front of them. As a parent, your response is to try alternatives to get them to eat. Oh, stupid inexperienced you. I'm not mocking - I did the same thing. And you will, too, even after you read this. You will because when your precious little angel is losing her damned mind because she does NOT LIKE GRAPES!!! you will finally acquiesce and give her crackers.
You're doomed.
I always assumed that they were called crackers because they made a cracking sound when you ate them. Nope. Crackers are called crackers because they are crack to babies. Once they have crackers, all other food is methadone. They. Want. The. Crack. And they will kill you in your sleep to get it.
Ok, I'm being a bit melodramatic. But only a bit. My oldest ate oyster crackers for dinner for a year. We would go to restaurants based on the quantity of free oyster crackers they served with soup. And then we would always order soup. Always. You're gonna get really familiar with the waitress at the diner.
School. I'm a school teacher. I love school. I think school is the greatest of humanity's invention. But school also sucks. Hard. Like "Jimmy won't play with me and so I'm going to cry for the next 6 hours" hard. Also, school makes parents crazy. Every parent wants their kid to get THAT teacher or THE honors math class. You will lose your mind over this stuff.
And if your kid is barely athletic or musical, you will spend the next decade watching your kid be barely athletic or musical while the other 900 barely athletic or musical kids suck at being barely athletic or musical. Read this sentence 10 times: DO NOT LET YOUR KID PLAY SOCCER. Yeah, I know, sports are important. But your kid doesn't know soccer exists. Don't tell them! Pick an indoor sport or you'll be sitting in the rain watching 20 children with barely functioning brains try valiantly to make your intestines run up your neck to throttle you. They will fail at that, too. Want a good sport alternative? Swimming. Indoors, warm (for you), and they serve hotdogs. Also, junior is less likely to drown, which is a plus. As for music, you have fewer options. Pick an instrument that you least hate the sound of.
Dating. My daughters are just barely at the age where this is a thing. But I know parents of older kids, and I can tell you that it's not great. Luckily I'm a chemistry teacher and also the destroyer of worlds. This means I know how to dissolve a human body and pour it into a pond, and also that I have the total lack of moral convictions required to do such a thing. But since you're probably not quite as awesome as I am, just be prepared to lose your mind when your child chooses the worst possible sexual partner in the world, and then has sex with that person repeatedly.
College. Start looking for a local person in need of a kidney right now. It helps to have one of those in case your child does not grow to be 6'8" and extremely good at manipulating leather spheroids. College is kinda pricey.
Leaving home. I'm assuming that I will almost certainly be a withered husk by the time my children move out. As such, I'm not making any plans. Well, I did buy a small plot.
All that being said, being a parent is great. I would do it again in a heartbeat. My kids are amazing, I actually like them nearly 50% of the time (though, admittedly, they still sleep something like 40% of the day), and most of what I described was slightly exaggerated. But my oldest did barf in my mouth, once. Milk barf. Like a lot. And my youngest ate poisonous berries and fell down a flight of stairs and got lost at the zoo. So yeah, I have no hair and I twitch a lot.
You're gonna love it.
It's taking the damn thing home that totally changes your life.
First off, everyone says you'll never sleep. That's garbage. My babies both slept pretty well while quite young. Most toddlers sleep like crazy, so you will sleep. There's a stretch there where you're napping on the toilet at the office, but it passes faster than most people tell you.
But, what they don't tell you is that your sleep schedule is radically altered. You don't go places at the times you used to. Dinner at 8pm? Yeah, no. Junior needs to be in bed at 8 because he'll be up at 1 for his middle of the night feeding and then again at 6 because it's morning at 6 and babies think bright lights means playtime. Don't want to get up at 6 for the next 18 years? Don't have a baby. They get up at 6 for half a decade and by the time they learn that getting up at 6 is stupid, they are in school and you have to wake them up at 6. So yeah, you're a morning person now, Sparky. You're also going to be eating dinner from 4:17 until 4:19 for a while. And the love of your life will likely not be joining you.
Ok, next up, you are gonna have to get used to carrying things. Like, every one of the things. Remember just showing up to stuff? I don't. Well, now I get to, because my kids are old enough to carry something heavier than a doll. But for about a decade they can't. So be ready to carry a car seat, which is secretly impregnated with osmium, the densest of all known substances, so as to make it heavier than a neutron star. Also, strollers, sporting gear, food in unending quantities, etc. You're a pack mule.
Food. Ah yes, food. You're going to have to make some or your spawn will die. It's a thing. At first food is easy. Babies nurse (hard on mom, easy on dad) or bottle feed (easier on mom, harder on dad). But either way, food prep is easy. Baby food is a breeze, too. Once they're about two, though, they start not eating whatever you put in front of them. As a parent, your response is to try alternatives to get them to eat. Oh, stupid inexperienced you. I'm not mocking - I did the same thing. And you will, too, even after you read this. You will because when your precious little angel is losing her damned mind because she does NOT LIKE GRAPES!!! you will finally acquiesce and give her crackers.
You're doomed.
I always assumed that they were called crackers because they made a cracking sound when you ate them. Nope. Crackers are called crackers because they are crack to babies. Once they have crackers, all other food is methadone. They. Want. The. Crack. And they will kill you in your sleep to get it.
Ok, I'm being a bit melodramatic. But only a bit. My oldest ate oyster crackers for dinner for a year. We would go to restaurants based on the quantity of free oyster crackers they served with soup. And then we would always order soup. Always. You're gonna get really familiar with the waitress at the diner.
School. I'm a school teacher. I love school. I think school is the greatest of humanity's invention. But school also sucks. Hard. Like "Jimmy won't play with me and so I'm going to cry for the next 6 hours" hard. Also, school makes parents crazy. Every parent wants their kid to get THAT teacher or THE honors math class. You will lose your mind over this stuff.
And if your kid is barely athletic or musical, you will spend the next decade watching your kid be barely athletic or musical while the other 900 barely athletic or musical kids suck at being barely athletic or musical. Read this sentence 10 times: DO NOT LET YOUR KID PLAY SOCCER. Yeah, I know, sports are important. But your kid doesn't know soccer exists. Don't tell them! Pick an indoor sport or you'll be sitting in the rain watching 20 children with barely functioning brains try valiantly to make your intestines run up your neck to throttle you. They will fail at that, too. Want a good sport alternative? Swimming. Indoors, warm (for you), and they serve hotdogs. Also, junior is less likely to drown, which is a plus. As for music, you have fewer options. Pick an instrument that you least hate the sound of.
Dating. My daughters are just barely at the age where this is a thing. But I know parents of older kids, and I can tell you that it's not great. Luckily I'm a chemistry teacher and also the destroyer of worlds. This means I know how to dissolve a human body and pour it into a pond, and also that I have the total lack of moral convictions required to do such a thing. But since you're probably not quite as awesome as I am, just be prepared to lose your mind when your child chooses the worst possible sexual partner in the world, and then has sex with that person repeatedly.
College. Start looking for a local person in need of a kidney right now. It helps to have one of those in case your child does not grow to be 6'8" and extremely good at manipulating leather spheroids. College is kinda pricey.
Leaving home. I'm assuming that I will almost certainly be a withered husk by the time my children move out. As such, I'm not making any plans. Well, I did buy a small plot.
All that being said, being a parent is great. I would do it again in a heartbeat. My kids are amazing, I actually like them nearly 50% of the time (though, admittedly, they still sleep something like 40% of the day), and most of what I described was slightly exaggerated. But my oldest did barf in my mouth, once. Milk barf. Like a lot. And my youngest ate poisonous berries and fell down a flight of stairs and got lost at the zoo. So yeah, I have no hair and I twitch a lot.
You're gonna love it.
