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	a quiet place by peggy o'mara

Mothers and Fathers
Issue 129

Before 1970, fathers paced hospital waiting rooms handing out cigars as their wives labored alone. After the birth, they could see their new babies only from behind glass. Emboldened by the natural-childbirth renaissance of the 1970s, fathers changed all that when they demanded to participate in birth. At first they only watched the delivery, but soon they began to coach their wives during labor as well. Some lucky fathers even caught their babies. The role of the new father was forever changed.

In the 1980s, when I taught parenting classes for Family Week at the Omega Institute, mothers would complain to me that they had to drag their husbands along; few dads attended at all. By the time I taught my last class there, in the late 1990s, it was mostly couples who attended - fathers were not at all reluctant.

Men have lacked good role models. My grandfather never changed a diaper, never carried a baby. But by the 1990s, I saw men proudly wearing their babies in slings, carrying diaper bags and using them with authority. Men have come a long way from the detached parenting of the Father Knows Best era to become the responsive fathers of today.

Today's father is more actively involved than his grandfather, and perhaps even his father. He is proud to have a fairly egalitarian relationship with his wife in which they share decision-making, financial responsibilities, and household chores. While this "equality" is never cut and dried, most couples aspire to it.

Most couples also aspire to the equal sharing of parenting tasks. Some mothers even go so far as to bottle-feed so that their husbands, too, can feed the baby. Others work out complicated nighttime arrangements to take turns being up in the night with the baby. However, something happens when the new baby comes that throws a monkey wrench into the whole equality thing: The baby prefers the mother.

Blasphemous as it may seem to say so, there is a biological imperative that bumps up uncomfortably against our strivings for gender equality. Breastfeeding, essential to a baby's optimum health, necessitates exclusivity between baby and mother during the early months. This can contribute to a dad feeling left out and unsure of his own role, and to a mom feeling overwhelmed.

In traditional societies, the new mother-baby dyad was protected by other women, grandmothers, and midwives. The protection was ritualized into a seclusion period of 30 to 40 days following the birth, during which the new mother and child rested, got to know each other, and established the milk supply. During this early time of adjustment the mother was fed and taught by the experienced mothers, and the nursing couple was kept warm and protected from outside stimulation and infection. This seclusion period was essential to the survival of the new baby and mother.

Today, we seldom appreciate the need for an adjustment period, nor do we appreciate the special expertise of the mother. And yet a dormant instinctual, maternal intelligence is unlocked within a mother when she births her baby. We sometimes joke about "emother's intuition" but it is real. A lack of awareness of this, and of the importance of protecting the mother-child dyad, can further contribute to a new father's role confusion.

If a new father embraces an equal relationship with his wife, he may be discouraged when the baby prefers her. Because he knows that the baby doesn't want him, he may think he's done something wrong and be afraid to take care of the baby on his own. On the other hand, the new mother is often desperate for a break from the intensity of the new baby's needs, and legitimately needs help. Both mother and father need to learn how to handle this new situation. For example, the father will be more successful being with the baby if he takes the baby right after a good nursing. The mother must be patient and encouraging as her husband learns how to hold and change the baby, and not undermine his confidence with her own expertise.

While it is a biological imperative that makes the mother and baby prefer one another during the early months, that preference is also related to how much time they spend together. Those dads who are around the baby a lot, engage more with the baby, and are willing to be responsive to the needs of mother and baby, develop closer relationships with their children sooner, and perhaps more reliably.

After the first few months, when the breastfeeding relationship is fully established and becomes routine, the baby reaches out for the father and then for the siblings, and begins to relate more to them. This delay in attachment can be hard on dad, especially if he is proud of being an enlightened man. Once he accepts the fact that the baby needs mom more in the early months, his role becomes more obvious. His job is to take care of the mother. If the most important thing in our life is family, then family has to come first. We must value ourselves not according to cultural stereotypes, but by how valuable we are to our family. In the early years of parenting, this means putting the needs of the mother first because she is putting the needs of the baby first. This means self-sacrifice for mother and father, but sacrifice builds character and personal capacity. The baby's needs are most urgent in the early years, when those needs require constant physical contact. A healthy family will respond to those needs unselfishly, not reluctantly or grudgingly.

In order for the family to unselfishly respond to the baby's needs, the father and mother must redefine themselves. If mothers take the lead and value themselves as mothers, then their husbands will follow suit and learn to value themselves as fathers and as helpmates. If a woman is ambivalent about her own role as a mother and wonders why her husband doesn't take a more active role, it may be because she is giving him mixed messages. She may not be so sure of her own worth.

To avoid marital pitfalls, it is important to know our needs and to communicate openly and honestly. New parents often fail to talk about the expectations they have of one another. Unexpressed expectations and a lack of clear communication can make things rocky for a couple as they adjust to being new parents. There's a steep learning curve.

Conflict with our spouses in the early months and years is especially difficult because, as new mothers, we are dependent. Mothers are so accustomed to carrying on that they often don't recognize their needs until they are in emotional or physical trouble. And because they feel overwhelmed, they sometimes unfairly expect their partners to anticipate and meet their needs without being asked. Fathers, on the other hand, are eager to help, but become discouraged when they are ineffective, or don't know exactly what is needed, or when too much is expected of them. And they can feel oppressed by the wife's needs if their own needs go unrecognized.

Repeated conflicts over the same issues can hurt a marriage. If your first attempts to discuss such problems fail, set aside time by having dinner together or going for a walk. If talking fails, turn to self-help books, which can provide a shared language to communicate with. And while it should not be the first step, there is no failure in seeking help from a counselor, therapist, or clergy member. In fact, one trait of a healthy family is the ability to ask for help.

Happy couples disagree just as much as unhappy couples do. In stable marriages, however, positive behaviors outnumber negative behaviors by five to one. In unstable marriages, positive behaviors barely outnumber the negative. There are three types of stable marriages: the validating, the conflict-avoiding, and the volatile. In the validating marriage, the couple does not fight a lota^??hinstead, they face issues, negotiate, and compromise. In order to negotiate and compromise, we have to learn how to listen. Everyone wants to be heard; but in good communication, it is also important to be able to show empathy and to be willing to deal with strong emotions and pain.

This last is perhaps the hardest. So many strong emotions and so much suffering are involved in the transformation of becoming a parenta^??hthe reality of children washes away many ideals and stereotypes. Couples face disappointment, and they may face tragedy. The hurts of their own childhood may be triggered by parenthood. It can be tough. When the hard times are not acknowledged, it is even tougher.

The irony of the early months and years of parenting is that a shift occurs. While mothers bond with their children through nurturing, fathers bond through play. Once the attachment period is past and the child's survival is assured, it's all about dad. Dad is the gateway to the larger world.

Fathers must follow the lead of their wives in the early years, trusting her instinctual intelligence and her mother's wisdom. It is real. And, during those vulnerable early years, they must protect their wives and children. This is as it has always been in the animal kingdom.

Mothers must take responsibility for their own emotions, ask for help when they need it, and not blame their husbands when things go wrong. Sometimes things just fall apart.

None of this means that we abandon the quest for gender equality. True gender equality means relinquishing the presumption of tasks preassigned by gender. It means picking up the slack, doing whatever needs to be donea^??hshowing up, taking responsibility, not assuming special privilege. Gender equality requires that both mothers and fathers pay attention to how much milk is in the fridge, to when the toilet paper runs out, to changing the oil. For parents, it means putting family first, but this cannot be accomplished unless the needs of all family members are acknowledged and taken seriously. It cannot be accomplished without the courage to change.