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	a quiet place by peggy o'mara

Necessary Optimism
Issue 131

Having a baby is a transformative experience. It changes us irrevocably. During the early days, weeks, and months of motherhood, we feel consumed by the new and demanding relationship with our child. There is no escape from it, no exit. We are on call 24 hours a day, and our baby will accept no substitutes.

In the beginning of motherhood, we can feel very much inadequate to the task and afraid that we really do not have any mother’s intuition at all. But we do. It is just that life as a new parent is a kind of initiation or rite of passage. We have to follow the baby’s lead. While it is true that an instinctual, maternal intelligence is unlocked in us when we give birth, it is our baby who will teach us how to use it. The baby has the operating instructions.

Becoming a parent is not only a rite of passage; it can also be an opportunity for inner growth. We may be required to change our perception of things. For example, spiritual seekers get up at 4 a.m. to meditate and feel closer to God. Parents get up at 4 a.m. to feed their helpless infants and feel ripped off. Sometimes changing our point of view can make difficult situations bearable and even transcendent.

In fact, one can see the life of a parent as a yogic practice. As with yoga, we must breathe with it, keep aligned, keep moving, and be honest with ourselves about our capacities. As Paramahansa Yogananda said, “Meditation, plus right action, plus mental non-attachment are the virtues of a true yogi. Whether his garb is that of a monk, or a householder, he is treading
the sure path to enlightenment.”

Inner growth will happen to us as parents whether we like it or not, even sometimes despite ourselves. However, with our cooperation and attention, this necessary inner work can deepen into inner vision. In fact, holding a powerful vision of family life helps anchor us as new parents. It can even facilitate this inevitable inner growth and is one of the ways we become authentic individuals.

Becoming authentic, individual parents means that we base our decisions as parents on our vision of family, of the child, and of ourselves as parents, rather than simply on what other parents are doing. Creating this vision—this ethic of parenting, as it were—is an ongoing process that we get more accustomed to as time goes on.

Here are some questions that we might want to ask ourselves to foster this process: “What do I believe about my child? What do I believe about myself as a parent? How do I generate the courage to act on my beliefs? Can I bear the censure of others because of my beliefs? How do I live an authentic life?”

Often when we look deeply at our actions, we find that they are incongruous with our beliefs. Our words and actions may reflect cultural or family habits and biases rather than our own distinct, personal beliefs. As Rollo May said, “The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity.”

Conformity does not serve children. They are not conformists. They are idiosyncratic. For their sake, let’s examine our beliefs in order to develop a personal vision for parenting. It would be irresponsible for us as parents to operate on automatic. It would be a mistake to fail to examine our actions and our beliefs, particularly because they so dramatically affect those who are dependent on us.

One question we must ask in examining our beliefs is, “Who is the child?” What do you believe about the nature of the child? For example, do you believe that the child is inherently good, bad, or a blank slate? Do you believe that the child is the product of environment or heredity? Does the child feel things the same as you do? Does the child understand things the same as you do?
What do you believe about the world? Do you believe that we live in a benign universe? Do you see the world as a benevolent place? Do you trust others? Do you trust yourself? Are you tolerant of your child’s innate timetable and legitimate needs?
All decisions you make and actions you take will be based on the answers to these questions, which form the foundation of your beliefs. How you deal with nighttime parenting, what you believe about weaning your child, how you discipline, how you make health decisions and handle medical emergencies—all will depend on these core beliefs. Examine these beliefs. Make them your own.

Once you have examined your beliefs, you will have to access the courage to act on them. Finding this courage can be more difficult than discovering what you believe in the first place. The courage to remain steadfast with yourself may mean straining relationships with family. It may mean finding new friends. It may even cause differences of opinion between new parents. This is healthy. This is normal. Everyone has a right to an opinion, but only you can choose for your own family. It is the job of each new generation to finish the unfinished business of the past. Only you have the authority for the new generation.

Fortunately, courage is self-generating. The more you face difficult situations openly, the better you become at bravery. Here are some things that will help sustain your courage:

Practice self-appreciation. This practice is helpful every day and essential when making difficult decisions. Be gentle on yourself. Don’t turn against yourself in tough times. Do not listen to negative self-talk. Mentally rehearse difficult situations in which you imagine yourself as successful.

Learn to navigate tough times. Contemplation, meditation, and just sitting and staring off into space can all help during tough times. Allow fun and pleasure in your life regardless of what you face emotionally. Build a social network of like-minded friends. Schedule a worry time, or decide how much worry something is worth. How long are you willing to feel bad about something? To keep perspective during tough times, ask yourself two key questions: “What am I looking forward to?” and “What am I grateful for in my life?”

Understand how change happens. Change is a process. If you decide that you’d like to find time for family meals, or want to stop yelling at the kids, or are interested in being “more natural,” just give yourself some time. Only about 20 percent of people are prepared to take any action to make a needed change, so just by contemplating change you are already a nonconformist. You are already courageous. What people don’t often realize about change is that it happens in stages. It does not happen overnight. First, we have to contemplate the problem. Then we must imagine what it will take to make a change. Next we prepare ourselves mentally to take the new action. Finally, we act.

Even when we change, we must maintain the new behavior. And with any new behavior, there are lapses into the old behavior. While you are learning what to do instead of spanking, for example, you may spank and then severely reprimand yourself. This is a mistake. It is really the way you talk to yourself about lapses, not the lapses themselves, that can lead you back to old habits. Don’t blame yourself as if it were a catastrophe. Just pick up where you left off and start over with the big picture in mind. Remember to reward yourself for your successes. Reward yourself for laying off junk food for a month, for example, by taking time to relax, getting a new book, or spending time with a friend. Congratulate yourself for meeting your own goals.
Once you examine your beliefs and generate some courage, it will be necessary for you to find the information and support that you need to maintain your new beliefs. It’s important to find friends you are compatible with and whose values you share, and to avoid people who offer you despair, depression, and disrespect.

Perhaps it is most important that you be an optimist. Along with dependency, empathy, and trust, optimism is one of the qualities inculcated during the attachment period of the first three to five years of life, and recapitulated in the experience of adult love. For parents, therefore, optimism is a job requirement. Because of this, our mood cannot be dependent on whether or not the world deals us a fair hand, but on a deeper faith in things as they are.

What is interesting about optimism is that optimism makes people happy. In fact, defeat spurs optimists on. Interestingly enough, people at every age report the same levels of happiness. People who have extreme good fortune report about the same level of happiness as those who suffer bad luck. In fact, we recover from tragedy fairly quickly. Sometimes, it’s enough to act happy, to find an excuse to laugh. The mantra of Thich Nhat Hahn—“Breathing in, I calm myself. Breathing out, I smile”—never fails to cheer me up.

In addition to optimism as a source of happiness, people are happy if they have a sense of control over their environment. We feel like victims, for example, when we believe that life is out of control. Faith brings people happiness. People are also happy when they have meaningful activity and close relationships.

Lately, when I ask parents how they are and what is on their minds, they say they are afraid for the future, concerned about the current political climate. I am, too, but as a mother, I cannot afford despair. And I doubt that this really is the worst of times. I appreciate profoundly that I am not in prison or hungry, and that I have my health. Sometimes we fail to see the beauty all around us.

It is important to have a personal vision of mothering because each child is one of a kind. Each parent is an original. It is your responsibility to examine your beliefs in light of the evidence of your own child. You must trust that it is your position itself, not your experience, that gives you inherent integrity and expertise. Authoritative knowledge rests in you. It is through your visions and dreams that you give birth to your own uniqueness, as well as resolve the conflicts and oppositions in your nature.

You may feel unequal to the task of being a mother. In realizing your lack of experience, you may feel that you do not know what to do. But you don’t have to. In fact, the world reinvents itself with each new mother and child. Being a parent is one of those things, like making love, that doesn’t have to be taught. You learn it from the experience itself.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama says it best:
“If when we get into a difficult situation our will or courage lessens and we fall into the laziness of feeling inferior, thinking that we could not possibly accomplish such a difficult task, this diminishment of will cannot protect us from any suffering. It is important to generate courage corresponding to the size of the difficulties.”