A Quiet Place by Peggy O'Mara

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	a quiet place by peggy o'mara

Peggy O’Mara is the mother of four grown children. She has gained international celebrity as publisher, editor and owner of Mothering Magazine. She is also the author of four books: Having a Baby Naturally: The Mothering Magazine Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth, Natural Family Living: The Mothering Magazine Guide to Parenting, The Way Back Home: Essays on Life and Family, and A Quiet Place: Essays on Life and Family. A dynamic speaker, she has lectured and conducted workshops in conjunction with organizations such as the Omega Institute, Esalen, La Leche International, and Bioneers. She has appeared on numerous television and radio programs and has been featured in national publications including The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, The Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Mother Earth News, and Utne Reader

Trust Yourself
Issue 146 - January/February 2008
by Peggy O'Mara, Editor and Publisher

The first talk that I gave as the new publisher of Mothering magazine was at the Omega Institute, in upstate New York. It was their premiere Family Week, in 1985, and my talk was titled "Trusting Yourself as a Parent." It was the first talk I was paid for, and for the six months preceding it I agonized over what to say. I certainly didn't trust myself as a speaker. One of the women who attended my talk was a singer, and she said that her issue was not only learning to trust herself as a parent, but also to trust herself as a singer.

Several years later, when I was speaking at an educational conference in Hawaii, someone put inspirational quotations in our cabins. Mine was by Goethe: "Just trust yourself. Then you will know how to live."

It's easy to see that trust is the foundation of everything. Trust—in something we believe in or someone we have faith in—underlies all decisions we make as new parents. Everything comes down to what or whom we trust or mistrust.

When we become mothers, we have to generate a new kind of courage. We are accustomed in our society to giving up our authority to experts, to assuming that powerful individuals know more than we do. We live in a culture in which we expect that authoritative knowledge lies outside ourselves. In more traditional, non-industrialized societies, people believe that authority rests within themselves, and that knowledge is everywhere. Once we become mothers, it is necessary that we, too, trust our instinctual natures.

People from simpler times inspire us because our modern world often comes with an anxiety they probably did not experience. The Pygmies, for example, believe that the forest they live in will provide everything they need. They believe that they live in a benign universe. With all of our wealth and possessions, can we say that? Do you believe in a benign universe?

In October, when I traveled to New York City, I put myself in the hands of many strangers. I drove on the highway to the airport along with many other drivers whom I did not know but had to trust. At the airport, I was in the hands of security people, and on the plane, in the hands of an unknown pilot. I ate food and drank beverages prepared by people I did not know and would never see again. Every day, we trust ourselves and those we love to people we will never know. We have to convince ourselves to trust our children and ourselves, and yet, without thinking, we consistently trust the skills and intentions of strangers.

There are also things that we routinely trust without seeing: God, love, air, gravity, radio waves . . . wireless Internet.

So we do, in fact, have more faith than we realize. We are more trusting than we may think we are. We do, in fact, routinely trust the world. Our children are evidence, every day, of our faith in a benign universe. But while our children are irresistible, it's no wonder we doubt ourselves as parents. We know we're improvising. And so does everyone else. Would you sign up for this job?

WANTED: Men and women volunteers. No experience necessary. No predictable schedule. Situation often out of control. Long hours. Unpaid. No training. No praise. Will be expected to work to an incredibly high standard with little support. Everyone else will think they know how to do your job better than you, yet you will be the only one blamed if something bad happens. A totally improvisational position.

Trust is a word of Scandinavian origin that means faithful. To trust yourself, you must remain faithful to yourself. But how do we learn to trust ourselves, to have faith in ourselves? Here are some ways:

1. Trust your child. Your infant's wants and needs are the same. The child is unencumbered by fashions, trends, and customs.

2. Gain new knowledge. Faith is a leap from a fortified mountain. Learn especially about human development. Understand that the first three to five years of your child's life is a critical period for the development of trust, empathy, optimism, affection, and conscience.

3. Befriend yourself. Getting to know yourself leads to self-love, which in turn leads to self-trust.

The courage to know ourselves requires that we do not underestimate our own capacity. It is our circumstances themselves that expand our capacities. Bear fair witness to yourself: Neither deflate nor inflate yourself, but simply be curious about yourself. Keep your own counsel. Have unconditional steadfastness with yourself.

As Rollo May says, "The opposite of courage in our society is not cowardice, it is conformity." Conformity does not serve children. They are not conformists. They are idiosyncratic. Being an authentic individual means that you make decisions based on your personal vision of what you believe is best for your family, not simply on what other parents are doing.

The courage to remain steadfast with yourself may mean straining relationships with family. It may mean finding new friends. It may even cause differences of opinion between new parents. This is healthy. This is normal.

Everyone has a right to an opinion, but only you can choose for your own family. It is the job of each new generation to finish the unfinished business of the past. Only you have the authority for your new generation. I am inspired by the words of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, whose difficulties far outnumber mine:

If when we get into a difficult situation our will or our courage lessens and we fall into the laziness of feeling inferior, thinking that we could not possibly accomplish such a difficult task, this diminishment of will cannot protect us from any suffering. It is important to generate courage corresponding to the size of our difficulties.

Fortunately, courage is self-generating. Have faith in your own capacity to change and grow. The more you face difficult situations openly, the braver you become. Here are some things that will help sustain your courage:

1. Practice self-appreciation. This is helpful every day, and is essential when making difficult decisions. Be gentle on yourself. Don't turn against yourself in tough times. Do not listen to negative self-talk. Mentally rehearse difficult situations in which you imagine yourself as successful.

2. Learn to navigate tough times. Contemplation, meditation, or just sitting and staring off into space—all can help during tough times. Simply breathe deeply and evenly. Allow fun and pleasure into your life, regardless of what you face emotionally. Build a social network of like-minded friends. Schedule a worry time, or decide how much worry something is worth. How long are you willing to feel bad about something? To keep your perspective during tough times, ask yourself two key questions: "What am I looking forward to?" and "What am I grateful for in my life?"

3. Understand how change happens. Change is a process. If you decide that you'd like to find time for family meals, for example, or want to stop yelling at the kids, or are simply interested in being "more natural," just give yourself some time. Only about 20 percent of people are prepared to take any action to make a needed change, so just by contemplating change you are already a nonconformist. You are already courageous.

In order to trust ourselves, we have to learn how to listen to ourselves. How do we know what we really feel? We can develop a truth sense, a feel for what is true, as suggested by this quote from Lloyd Alexander's Taran Wanderer:

Anyone can be a Truthsayer, even you. . . . It's a matter of self-honesty about the nature of your own feelings. It requires that you have an inner agreement with Truth, which allows ready recognition.

We develop this "inner agreement with Truth" by spending time alone contemplating our own experience, time in nature, and time simply spent paying attention and observing things as they really are, without blinders.

Sometimes our dreams give us clues to what is true for us. If you're interested in your dreams, leave a tablet ?and pen by your bed. Try to write down your dream as soon as you wake, before you forget it or move around. This is easier said than done, however, when little ones share our beds. (B vitamins are said to help dream recall.)

Emotional distress is sometimes a clue to a deeper understanding of our experience. Sometimes we are distraught, preoccupied, or anxious, and the reason is clear. Other times, we may not under-stand why we feel so emotional. Some-times distress is simply an untranslated message from our deepest self.

Hunch and intuition are legitimate ways of knowing. Our feelings are often confirmed for us by our body's language. We sigh or take a deep breath, get the chills or shivers. Our stomach gurgles; we yawn, or shift our position. The truth sense often speaks through our body, and we can learn to read its language. Coincidences can help to cement intuition or help us to notice something important. First impressions can be trusted.

One of the hardest things about learning to listen to ourselves, however, is simply waiting until we know, because we always know. As the Tao Te Ching asks,

Do you have the patience
to wait
'til your mud settles and
the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
'til the right action
arises by itself?

(Trans. Archie J. Bahm, Frederick Ungar Pub., 1958)

It is important to have a personal vision of mothering because not only is each child one of a kind, each parent is an original as well. You must trust that it is your position as a parent itself, not your experience, that gives you inherent authority. Authoritative knowledge rests in you. It is through our visions and dreams that we give birth to our own uniqueness, as well as resolve the conflicts and oppositions in our nature.

You may feel unequal to the task of being a mother. In realizing your lack of experience, you may feel that you don't know what to do. But you don't have to know. In fact, the world reinvents itself with each new mother and child. Being a parent is one of those things, like making love, that doesn't have to be taught. You learn it from the experience itself.

Whether you're smart, pretty, witty, or have no idea at all what you're doing, you are the one in charge. You are the expert witness. Would you volunteer for this job?

WANTED: Men and women volunteers. Develop the mental and emotional capacity of an entire generation. Potential to inexorably affect the quality of life on the planet. Potential to improve the environment, ensure world peace, eliminate nuclear war. Job is like no other yet will prepare you for anything. May hasten enlightenment. Value of job is beyond money; payment is made in memories, self-esteem, personal transformation. Individuals are handpicked for the position.

This is the job of being a parent. This is the job I signed up for. I know you did, too.

Love,