Healing Relationship

First, recognize that there are some normal children's reactions that all children go through in a divorce. Having loyalty issues is one of them. This is exactly what your step-son is demonstrating to you. He probably fears, partially because it is normal, and partially because of the strained relationship between his mother and father, that if he has a positive relationship with you that he will upset, or even alienate his mother. As you said, you want to be the best parent that you can so it is important to love your step-son unconditionally, be aware of his loyalty issues and try not to add to them by forcing him to be a certain way when he is around both you and his mother. Another issue for you to think about is the whole issue of loss and grief—you are grieving what you see as the ideal relationship with your step-son; he is grieving the loss of his ideal family with his parents in the same house and each of his biological parents are grieving from the custody battle.

Some resources to consider are family counseling or a divorce/family mediator with you, your step-son's father and his mother to help the three of you have a more positive co-parenting relationship. You can check out www.mediate.com, www.helpstartshere.org (a website of National Association of Social Workers), and www.divorcenet.com for some counselors and/or mediators in your area. A couple of books worth checking out are Stepfamily Problems: How to Solve Them by Tom Frydenger, The Step Family Survival Guide by Natalie Gillespie, and The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life by Karon Goodman. You may also want to contact the Stepfamily Association of America at 1-800-735-0329.