Helping My Child Get Over Jealousy Pain

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Naomi Aldort

Over the last 18 months we've moved back from overseas and moved house twice and had babies - twins no less. My son is very upset as you'd imagine. I have also changed from being an attached relaxed parent to being much more authoritative angry and shouting. I've been doing transactional analysis and that's helped, then I have been following your advice about letting him be his real self. It is getting better but I do slip up. I've found the more I let him express his true feelings, the angrier he is. I know this is good because it is him feeling safe, but he's bot happy showing me on a Teddy or telling me how he wants to hurt his sisters, he keeps trying to squash them, kick them. I cuddle him and take the girls away frOm his to respect his space but he stills seems hurt. Will this ease with time? It is very hard for me as I have to protect them too. He also is upset with his play school or friends as they often fight and I dont know whether to lessen times he sees other children, because it is hard to provide as much time and activity as he wants at home?

Dear parent,

I am not sure that your way of allowing your child’s self-expression is fulfilling his need and empowering him to move on. It is obviously helpful, but somehow not opening the door to progress. In addition, I wonder if you have changed the conditions of his life so he is less affected by the girls. The cause of his anger has to be alleviated as much as possible.

The best way to protect the girls is to make sure your son has a life that fulfills him and that he feels valued and loved. If he sees his life as harmed by his sisters, then the reason for anger keeps rebuilding itself. When he is happy, he will not need to hurt them. Meanwhile, of course, don’t let them be hurt. You can remove them from harm, but, at the same time, provide a loving solution to your child and time away from them.

(I know it is not easy.)

To help your son be done with his anger about having sisters, he needs not only to express anger, but also to find that life is good and to be empowered to move on. Here are a few suggestions:

• Make sure to spend one-on-one time with him, without his sisters, every day.

• Do not use him as a baby sitter. Provide care for his sisters so he can live his life.

• When you validate, do not dramatize or justify; stick to facts.

• Protect your child’s toys, creations and property from the girls’ reach.

• Protect your child’s autonomy so his life is not “ruined” by his sisters.

• Avoid telling your son “I can’t do this for you because your sisters need...”

• Question your own thoughts of anger before you behave in harmful ways (Use SALVE from my book and The Work of Byron Katie.)

• Your son is never the problem: Work on yourself and make his life too engaging to bother with hurting anyone.

Protect your child’s autonomy and when he tries to hurt his sisters see it as your responsibility: You left him with them, you didn’t protect his tower or art, he needs attention... etc. He needs you loving and supportive response. Reread the last part of my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves about siblings jealousy.

If you need more guidance, I can assist you further via a phone session: http://authenticparent.com/guidance.html

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Helping My Child Get Over Jealousy Pain

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