Husband Not on Board

Dear parent,

It seems to me like you are not respecting your own autonomy and that of the children. 

Your autonomous choice to raise the children in accordance with your values must be respected. Should the children be harmed so your husband can be free to do as he wishes? Why does his wish come first? Why not put the children first? And why not prioritize your own parenting choices?

Leading is not about “demanding.” You and your husband don’t have to make all decisions together. One is an expert in one subject, the other in another. When we have children, there is a lot we let go of and give up. If you are the parenting leader, then the decision is up to you, including on what to protect them from.

The area of parenting is often mastered fully by the mother. When it is mastered equally by both parents, then both make decisions based on equal knowledge. When only one parent becomes “professional,” the other parent must trust and let the educated parent lead the way. You read books, you listen to CDs, you have become a professional parent. Until he acquires the same professional expert skills and knowledge as you do, your husband can participate fully without being in charge of decisions and general direction. Likewise, his personal preferences cannot interfere with your choices for the children. At least this is what brought peace and joy into many homes including mine.

Your husband does not seem to know the scope of harm caused by what passes for “food” in this country, or the developmental damage caused by much of today’s media. That’s fine, he does not need to know. But you must take the leadership role. He can read everything you read and listen to everything you listen to and study and discus with it you. Or, he can be the loving father that he is and let you study and decide. He will have a happier family, if he respects your choices and avoids exposing the children to foods or media that you deem harmful.

My personal solution was exactly that: My husband, like yours, did not study parenting and had many opinions. He loves modern “foods” and media. He was free to have whatever he wanted for himself: away from home and without leaving any trace of it in the car or anywhere. He was not free to expose the children to what chose to protect them from. He enjoyed media in his office and junk food in the hours of being away from home. At home we had a children’s healthy and nurturing haven. 

Warmly, Naomi Aldort http://authenticparent.com/