Maternal Anger

Dear parent,

The word “warranted” is really not what it is about. Anger is never warranted yet is human and has to be relieved. There is no reason that justifies anger other than our humanity. We can choose a peaceful response, yet often, we lose control. Our anger is not caused by the child, but by our thoughts about the child. These thoughts are always off, or we wouldn’t be angry. When we are angry, we are simply believing our own angry thoughts. All angry thought have the same content: They blame and judge the other person or child and they negate reality. In that, angry thought miss the opportunity to respond with kindness. When angry, we cannot see the valid cause of the child’s behavior and so we are blind and unable to respond peacefully.

A child is very sensitive to the way his own mother feels about him. Mother’s anger can therefore cause much pain, fear, anxiety and harm. So, ideally, your goal is to deal with your emotions at your own time, with a friend or a counselor, not your child. This is not always easy. If you do get angry, make sure to alleviate your child’s anxiety once you are calm.

I suggest that you read my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, http://authenticparent.com/book.html, where you will find a clear instruction on how to release your anger and stressful thoughts, so you can bring your kind self to your child. 

Anger is blame. It is saying, “The child should not do this. My anger is his fault. He did it to me.” It blames the child instead of noticing the cause inside of yourself. It also prevents you from noticing the child’s unmet need or other valid reason for his behavior. If your child hits or break things, she has a valid reason for doing so. You can stop her action, but you can do so kindly. Then look for the cause and eliminate it so the child won’t need to do what he is doing any more. There is never a reason to be angry at the child since he has no choice but to do what he is doing. Your goal is to understand how you taught him to act this way. 

For example, when we don’t respond to a young one promptly, he learns that in order to get what he wants, he has to whine, tag or scream. Then, when he asks for things in ways we don’t like, we are upset. Or, our own behavior becomes the model for the child’s actions. So we teach behaviors that we do not like and we don’t realize that we are teaching them. 

In short, when you feel angry, work on yourself, not at the expense of the child. You are the only cause of your own reaction. It is not your child’s fault that you respond with anger. Release your emotions with a counselor, by writing your thoughts down and doing the SALVE formula form my book, or by booking yourself a phone session with me. Once you are calm, you can do the REWIND from my book and reconnect this way with your child. 

If you are caught and must unleash anger, as a last resort, go ahead and express your feelings in a way that blames no one. “I feel frustrated. I wanted the house to stay clean.

I don’t want to clean the floor again. I want to scream and rage.” (Notice the use of “I” and not “you.”) Then, when you are done, hug your child and say, “I love you. It is not your fault that I had a tantrum. It is just inside of me. Now I got it out and we can start over.” Forgive yourself for your outburst and reassure your child that you love him.

Your question indicates to me a possibility that you are experiencing emotions that are out of your control. I recommend that you book yourself a phone session with me, so I can assist you more thoroughly. You can learn to be kind to yourself; so kind that anger will vanish quickly. You can sign up for a phone session here: http://authenticparent.com/guidance.html

Warmly, Naomi Aldort http://authenticparent.com/