Nanny's Role in Divorce

You are right—you do have an interesting situation!

First, around the age of two children naturally develop separation anxiety. Since you are the same sex as the mother, it is natural for this child to show some anxiety with you regardless of the divorce—even if he appeared fine up until now. The divorce, in my opinion, just complicates the normal issues he is having.

Second, you do not address how adversarial the divorce is. The more adversarial the divorce is, the more likely he may be feeling abandoned by the mother, or just fearful to separate from her.

While you do not want to tell the mother what to do, it will be important for the mother to get the message that she probably needs to spend more quality time with her son to reassure him that she is not leaving him.

Some additional symptoms that you might notice with him include: trouble sleeping, increased clinginess, crankiness, crying, not learning new skills as quickly, fear of abandonment, aggression or temper tantrums, emotional neediness, and so on. Remember that all of these symptoms are normal around this age regardless of whether there is a divorce or not.

To the extent that these symptoms continue or get worse over time, the parents may want to seek assistance with a therapist who specializes in working with parents and children through the divorce process. The parents or you can go to www.helpstartshere.org for a possible list of therapists in your area. In addition, I strongly recommend the following books: Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci, Ph. D.; Helping Children Cope with Divorce, Revised and Updated Edition by Edward Teyber; and The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons, PhD.

I hope this helps.